The 2011 Release Calendar (March & April)

Today is 1/11/11. That’s cool. Let’s get right into it.

The Adjustment Bureau

Here’s a movie that was pushed back from last October. I’m not sure if this was a mark of quality or just too much Matt Damon. He was in Hereafter and True Grit, and I think this film was probably looked at as something that would hurt his Oscar chances for either of those two films. That’s my guess.

Plus, this is more of a thriller, and it seems better suited to March. (I’m liking this trend of what promises to be a better breed of movie being released in March….taking it back.) However, this same release tract (including the bumped date) happened to Green Zone, and we all know how that turned out. Let’s hope this one turns out better.

It’s about Damon, a congressman, whose “bright future” is “thrown in doubt by uncontrollable elements and the arrival of a mysterious ballerina in his life.” Basically I think it’s one of those Hitchcock movies. (You know…one of those…god knows no one thought highly of those when they came out…) Damon meets woman, falls in love. Mysterious government bureau shows up and tells him, “We control things. You’re not supposed to see this woman.” He goes all Cary Grant with it, like, “I’m not taking this shit seriously. I’m charming.” Then these guys start to pop up everywhere, just looking at him. Then they start to chase him and do things to him. Like bump into him right when he’s about to do something and take his pens. Fucking nondescript agency guys. Never have enough pens…. And it becomes a chase film as he tries to figure out what happened while also keeping him and this woman alive.

4 stars. Has to be. 3 if it’s bad, 5 if it’s really good. Damon has not made a bad movie since Stuck on You. Also, Emily Blunt…Mmmmm. Highly recommended.


I was intrigued by this from it’s original trailer. Johnny Depp is playing a chameleon, and there’s a Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas reference in it.


Basically, it’s a Western. Which means, I’m there. He stumbles into a town, which is terrorized by all these bad creatures (snakes and shit). He becomes sheriff (for personal reasons and shit, never to actually help the town. Then he learns something about himself and stays on at the end. Embrace the tropes), and agrees to take them down. Classic Western. I’m very proud of Hollywood for taking more chances with the animated films.

4 stars. This will be entertaining. 3 if it’s too kiddy. But Johnny is usually a sign of quality.


I said usually.

Take Me Home Tonight

Here’s a film that was shot in 2007. That should tell you a lot about it. Then again, Easy A was bumped for over a year. That turned out really well.

Topher Grace and Anna Faris are twins. Oh boy. They’re both recent college graduates. Yeah, okay. What college is this Thornton Melon? They, along with their friend, Dan Fogler, try to figure out what to do with their lives, while Topher tries to pursue dream girl Teresa Palmer.

Seems generic. Seems like it takes place over one evening. Still, seems generic.

2 stars.

Battle: Los Angeles

Oh, wait, wrong battle…


Take one part Skyline, and one part … Cloverfield … oh, no.

Aliens showed up, the marines are fighting them. The film follows the marines and airmen during the invasion. This seems like it’s going to be a fairly interesting concept made to action-y with boring dialogue and contrived minor characters. Just like those two films I mentioned up there.

2 stars. Maybe 3 if it looks pretty.

Jane Eyre

One of these comes out every two years or so. Last one I remember was Brideshead Revisited. It’s the stuffy, British novel movie that stars either Emma Thompson or Judi Dench. This one stars Judi Dench.

The chick from Alice in Wonderland is Jane. Michael Fassbender is Rochester. I really don’t like these movies.

2 stars. Because it’ll be boring. Maybe 3 if it passes by quickly.

Kill the Irishman

The title is either that or “The Irishman.” I have no idea, they keep switching between the two. Kind of like when Casino Jack fluctuated between that and “Bagman.”

This movie’s about an Irish mob boss and FBI informant, who tried to “shoot his way to the top of Cleveland’s criminal underworld during the late 1970s.”

Walken is in it. So is Val Kilmer. And Vinnie Jones.  And then most of the cast of Goodfellas. I’m guessing this is a movie that will be interesting but be bogged down by way too many references to Scorsese movies (Looking at you, Middle Men).

3 stars. For Walken. Maybe 4 if they don’t rip too overtly from other mobster movies. So, let’s just call it 3, because you know they will.

Mars Needs Moms

I played a Magic School Bus Genesis game that looked a lot like this.

Here’s the springtime animated movie that will make a shit ton of money. Previous examples include: Monsters vs. Aliens and How to Train Your Dragon. This movies seems like the worst of the bunch.

Basically, dude’s mom gets stolen by martians who want to steal her “mom-ness.” Then it becomes like Wall-E. Dude stows away and wreaks havoc on the ship and planet.

3 stars. Possibly 2. I don’t like these kinds of movies. See: Planet 51.

Red Riding Hood

It’s a retelling of Hood by the woman who directed Twilight. Don’t tempt me with Gary Oldman, this is going to be a huge piece of shit.

2 stars. Maybe 1.


Let us pause to examine just what comes up when one types “Beastly” into Google image search.

Well that’s terrifying. Is her name Ameryca? Or Domynica?

The Care Bears. Okay, fairly innocuous…


Is he wearing an Iron Cross?




Look at that beastly fucking salad…


One of these is the main character in a children’s movie…just sayin’.

Also, every single one of these comes up in a search for a children’s movie. Nice marketing, Hollywood.

This is a modern day Beauty and the Beast, starring High School Musical chick and some white guy who looks like that last picture up there.

Anyone give a fuck? Didn’t think so.

2 stars. 1. I won’t see it.


Look at that tagline. Is this movie advertising pharmaceutical companies?

Let’s work our way through the synopsis. This should be fun.

“Eddie is an intellectual slacker and former cocaine addict, now eking out a living as a copywriter for a small publishing house.“

Could go either way from here. This could be a comedy, a drama, a porn movie, for all we know.

“Through a bizarre series of coincidences, he obtains MTD-48, a Nootropic drug with curious side-effects.”

All consequences must be bizarre, mustn’t they?

“After trying some, Eddie discovers MTD-48 boosts his intellect and makes him faster, more intuitive, and more charismatic.“

Still don’t know what type of film this is, do you? This could be an Eddie Murphy movie, and you’d never know.

“By warding off sleep and focusing his attention, the drug enables him to write a book, learn a foreign language, and predict certain events by detecting patterns in vast amounts of information — all in a matter of hours.”

This sounds like a book I just was paid to adapt. “All in a matter of hours.” Also, still don’t know the genre, do we? Is this a nice way of saying he relapsed on coke? Or is this a way of saying coke isn’t so bad? Because that would be awesome.

“As he becomes more intrigued by the drug, he investigates its mysterious origins, setting in motion a deadly chain of events.”

Ah, there we go. It’s a shitty March thriller. Starring Bradley Cooper and Robert DeNiro. Seeing Robert DeNiro in a movie nowadays is almost certainly a mark of a lack of quality. The man just doesn’t get offered any good roles anymore. So when he is in something, it’s either for the paycheck or because nothing else was offered to him (See: Machete).

Also, now go and watch the trailer. Actually, let’s do it together.

0-5 seconds. Ripoff Ocean’s Eleven music.

6-10 seconds. Bad voiceover. There goes Mike. Also, I’m pretty sure your excuse for looking like that is years of cocaine addiction.

11-14 seconds. Contrived breakup scene within first twenty minutes of the movie, meant to make his decision to take the drug more relatable. Also, this makes it seem like she’s telling him to give up the writing because it causes him to look like that, and not because he sucks at it, which is what the trailer is supposed to be implying. Voiceover > visual. It takes more work, so we will focus on that, especially when the visuals are less than 1 second long and the voiceover is our only way of making sense of this noise. Also, doesn’t this really sound like writing is an analogy for cocaine?

15-17. “But just in case you thought nothing ever happened to me…” Don’t be impertinent, you fuck. This has just the right amount of snark to get yourself shanked in the right environment. Also, we just saw something happen to you. In fact, we just saw the first fifteen minutes of the film happen to you. You’re a mess, you can’t write, your girlfriend dumps you because you’re a loser, you go out drinking (always a good decision for a man with addiction issues), and run into an old friend on the street, who provides that movie pet peeve moment of characters who conveniently state the main character’s name so the audience knows who they are. (It’s either that or voiceover, because clearly those are the only two ways left…)

17-24. Mr. Plot Device conveniently shows up as our protagonist is depressed from the breakup (either consciously or not) and stuck on his book. And he gives him a drug. Clearly this is a close friend, because the best support you can give to a cocaine addict is amphetamines.

24-25. Requisite close-up of the drug. Maybe it’s a dwarf baby tear.

26-31. “You know how they say that we can only access 20% of our brain? This lets you access all of it.” … “You know how they say…” always a great way to start dialogue. In fact, “they say” should be stricken from every movie from here forward, or at least be subject to its own Hays code for censoring its usage. It’s like when characters say, “So what about you?” and we end up with a whole long expositional scene that’s boring as fuck. “They say,” is the voiceover equivalent of that.

Also, I’d like to know the exact meaning of that shot as the dude is saying about the “20%.” Is this what his brain is picturing right now? Like, “If I could use more brain points, I’d be able to small talk with everybody!” Or maybe he’s thinking like, “If I were smarter, I could go up to people and talk them into making me sandwiches. I’d make them make me sandwiches all the time.” What kind of person pictures that when they find out they can be smarter? Does he think these people are the smart ones?

Which brings me to what I think it is — since the dialogue, “You know how we use 20% of our brains” is playing over the image, I’m assuming this is a joke about how stupid the American public is. If so, +1, trailer cutter.

32-33. CG of brain, with close-ups of random shit meant to show a brain functioning at 1.21 gigawatts full capacity.

34-37. “They’ve had clinical trials and it’s FDA-approved.” Yeah, I’m sure that’s accurate. The guy looks slicker than a used car salesman covered in oil … “All right, just out of curiosity and that’s all…” well, he’s drunk in this scene. Also, way to cut a trailer to make it seem like that’s why he’s taking the pill. Just listening to that line tells me he said more after that sentence. Like, “Out of curiosity, what are the side effects?” But, it’s a trailer. They do that shit.

38-39. Requisite shot of him taking the pill. In case we weren’t sure if he did based on what’s to come. The light bulb metaphor. I wonder if it explodes in the movie or not.

40-45. “I was blind but now I see.” First off, here are the first two things he does upon taking the pill … sits ups and buying a suit. Does it really take a larger percentage of brain power to get someone to realize exercise is important? Oh… Also, is that really all he does? Turn back into Bradley Cooper by shaving and buying a suit? Because the sit ups are just to explain the presence of abs. Also, let’s not leave out those brief shots of him in a sports car and going to Vegas. But it all comes back to that dialogue snippet. In the movie, this would be one of those stupid phantom voiceover things where he suddenly and randomly brings in a Bible parable, like, “The Pharisees said…” and then relates it to his own life. This is often the point where I stop the movie and kill an animal to appease the movie gods for this brazen disrespect toward them.

46-48. “A tablet a day (keeps the doctor away), and I was Limitless.” Movie using its title! Movie using its title!

49 seconds-1:01. All the shit he does over the span of a fortnight. And narrated by him too, just in case we don’t get it. He learns about art and shit (by picking the easiest painting to like. Everyone knows that one!). He finishes his book in four days (with random CG letters falling all around the room. Yeah, I’m sure that book will make sense. He must be on cocaine again). He learns Italian. He swindles his publisher out of more money. He learns math….and swindles the stock market out of money.

1:02-1:25. Ah, Bobby D is in the place. First, he repeats the main character’s name. Why? Do they really expect us to remember it after they repeat it three times in the trailer? This isn’t Nightmare on Elm Street.

Also, let’s pause to talk about this main character’s name — Eddie Morra. Could they really not come up with anything more subtle than Eddie Morra? A guy who learns to use morra of his brain? That lack of creativity means I couldn’t think lessa of this movie if I tried. Anyway, back to Uncle Bobby D.

He’s apparently some kind of mentor/rich fuck businessman, opening up a line of credit for Cooper so he can do what he wants and make a fuck ton of money in the process. We can tell this based on him flying in private jets and bringing like 7 women with him to fuck as he does. While also being with old girlfriend. And also he buys a big house. Something he should have done earlier. But we need to save all those obvious things for when the script has nothing to go to on page 40. We’re seriously only like 45 minutes into this thing.

1:25-1:40. And here’s where shit kicks in. “Everybody wants a piece.” People are following him, for whatever reason and want in on his success. Whatever. Bad Scarface reference in the titles.

1:41-1:58. Pop song in the trailer. Sure “Power” is a rap song, but a song that came out in the last 12 months should not be used in a trailer, no matter how on-the-nose it is. And here’s where shit goes wrong. He starts losing memory, doing crazy shit…basically what happens after the good part of the cocaine use goes wrong.

1:59-end. The money shots. Nicely set to the chorus of “Power.” Not enough to save what came before it. Tell me we don’t already know everything that will happen in this movie.

Also, it’s based on a book called “The Dark Fields.” 2 points says the novel ends bleakly and the movie doesn’t.

1 star. On unforgivable watch. There’s potential here. Bad potential. Botential.

The Lincoln Lawyer

Hey, it’s a Matthew McConaughey movie. This is the first non-Romance he’s done in a while (and his first without Kate Hudson too).

He’s a slick lawyer. I didn’t even have to read the synopsis to know that the word slick was in the description. He’s defending Ryan Phillipe, who is the son of a big businessman, and may or may not be guilty. He is. Because for Ryan Phillippe to be in this movie, he has to be guilty. Sometimes actors like him try to prove they can act. In doing so, they choose movies like this where it seems like they’re doing the same old thing, then end up “playing against type” by being revealed to be the bad guy at the end. It never works, because they play type for 80 minutes, then look evil for 10. And most of that evil is in only one scene and flashbacks where we see them scowling as soon as the scene where they were being good ends.

Marisa Tomei is in this movie. She’s gorgeous. William H. Macy is in this too. So, that alone probably means it won’t be unforgivable. It’s based on a book. That explains why people wanted to do it.

Still, 2 stars. What did you really think this was going to be?


Here’s a movie that can either be really good, or just really bad. Or, Pineapple Express. That’s what I’m thinking this is going to be. The movie that doesn’t know how to blend comedy or action and ends up being neither. But, it’s Pegg and Frost, so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.

Basically, two comic geeks go on a road trip. On the way, they discover an alien named Paul.

So…yeah. The alien will be terribly and obviously CG’ed. Then again, that picture isn’t terrible, but it really depends on how it looks in context. It’ll be a mix of comedy and action, since they’re gonna chase him down and shit. Lots of geek movie references, shit I don’t care about (probably). The x-factor here is how funny they are. Since they wrote it.

I compared it to Pineapple Express, so, if it plays exactly as that did, 3 stars. 4 if they make it actually funny. I’m hoping for 4, expecting 3.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Rodrick Rules

Sequel to last year’s movie that I haven’t seen. Apparently it’s a kid’s movie that actually treats the kids like real people. So, I’ll root for it. Might not see it, but I’ll root for it.

Let’s call it 3 stars. And say it’s better to be seen by kids than some of the other bullshit marketed at them.

Sucker Punch

Oh, Zack Snyder, how you do exactly the same thing every time, sans and including Watchmen. Here’s a movie that, I guarantee you, will be awesome. It will look good, despite being horrendously CG and green-screened, have some random awesome moments, have no coherent story to tell of, have complete stereotyped characters, be offensive in some way, and not be boring enough to speak that badly of. Hey, look at that, I just described 300.

3 stars. Maybe 4, but it’s got to be really awesome to overcome the fakeness of it all. Seriously, stop with the fucking CG shit, Snyder. You want to kill the Superman franchise for the second time in 6 years? Ever hear of practical special effects? Sets? They go a long way to making things seem more realistic.

Win Win

No picture for this. That should tell you how many theaters this will end up being in.

This is the third film by the guy who made The Station Agent and The Visitor, two very low-key, well-received dramas. Richard Jenkins was really good in The Visitor. I have no such hopes for this film.

Paul Giamatti (oh no, it’s him), is a “disheartened attorney,” who “moonlights as a high school wrestling coach,” – oh-kay – and “stumbles across a star athlete through some questionable business dealings while trying to support his family. Just as it looks like he will get a double payday, the boy’s mother shows up fresh from rehab and flat broke, threatening to derail everything.”

Not interested. At all. Less so because of Giamatti.

2 stars. Maybe 3 if Giamatti doesn’t piss me off too much.


“From the director of Alvin and the Chipmunks,” the poster said, as though it were a boast…

That pretty much tells you everything you need to know about this movie. It’s being released the same time such classics as Marmaduke and Underdog were released. This is the kind of movie that will suck, and you hope doesn’t make money so they stop making them and only stick to the good animated movies.

2 stars.


Doesn’t that thing look like the headless dude from Hocus Pocus?


“A young family discovers that the body of their comatose boy attracts evil entities, while the boy’s mind is trapped in a dark realm known as The Further.” …starring Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne.

They should have called it Der Further! With the exclamation point. I’d have seen it then.

Oh, no. It’s written and directed by the guys who brought us Saw.

1 star.

Source Code

I wrote a fake movie scenario starring Jake Gyllenhaal in one of my scripts that has close to this exact moment in it. That tickles me.

A Black List script. A very well-thought-of Black List script. However, a thriller, which means it will never translate as well as one thinks. So, that 4 star script almost always becomes a 3 star movie when it’s a thriller.

I said, thrillers never break new ground, and the April release date almost assures this is a 3 star movie, despite the fact that the idea is really good. Maybe 4 if it’s really cool. Idea is cool as fuck. But you know they fuck up the end game. I really hope it translates well, despite the fact that I do not like Jake Gyllenhaal.


A remake of one of my favorite movies of all time. The original Arthur was a brilliant, hysterical movie. Now, they update it – which is okay – and add a dose of Helen Mirren instead of John Gielgud. I like it. Nice alteration. My problem with this, potentially, is if Russell Brand goes full Russell Brand. It’s kind of like going full retard. The man can be too much. I hope they keep him reigned in. And I hope Helen Mirren does full deadpan, the way Gielgud did. There’s a reason he won an Oscar for the movie. I also hope his drunk is even half as good as Dudley Moore’s drunk was.

I read the script. It kept all the hysterical lines from the original. Which is fine, because no one will really remember the original unless they’re fans of it like I am, so it’s okay for them to just reuse the lines because they’re so good.

4 stars. Just because it’ll never be the original. 3 stars if they really fuck it up.

And, the original is currently available to be watched instantly on Netflix. Do yourself a favor and check it out. (For those who know me and want to know why this movie is great … Arthur is drunk for 90% of the movie. And witty. And solicits hookers over the opening credits. Literally 30 second in. It’s good.)


Saorsie Ronan is awesome. Girl deserved an Oscar for Atonement. This is actually the teen actress that can act well. Not Dakota. (A very large black man is now upset with me because of this, but it’s true.)

This is about her, as a child assassin, directed by Joe Wright, who did Atonement. Her father, Eric Bana, is ex-CIA. He sends her on a mission to kill someone, and she’s pursued by a “ruthless intelligence operative” (Cate Blanchett), who no doubt has to be her mother. I mean, who else can she be?  Anyway, I don’t care. This should be interesting.

This is at minimum a 3 star movie. And that’s if it’s action-heavy like the trailer paints it out to be. However, Joe Wright is not an action director, so that gives me hope the trailer is the extent of the action and this is a character piece, in which case it has a very good shot to be a 4 star movie.

Soul Surfer

Interesting movie. About a girl surfer who gets her arm bitten off in a shark attack, then fights through it and keeps surfing. Small movie, could be good, I’m rooting for it. It seems like a pleasant enough movie. Aside from the arm and all. Also, when’s the last time Helen Hunt was alive? And where’d Dennis Quaid get the guns from? Though that dick line is a bit much.

3 stars. Why not?

Your Highness

Here’s a movie that, based on what I’ve heard about it, and its trailer, has an opportunity to possibly make a top ten next year. I won’t even say anything, just watch this thing.

It’s a comedy, so there’s the possibility that it fails miserably, but that trailer alone makes it a 3 star movie. I’m betting that this movie has enough laughs to make it to 4. Though I haven’t been this excited for a comedy since Tropic Thunder. The Hangover took me by surprise. Tropic Thunder was the last one I knew going in I’d enjoy. Everything else was something I either discovered to be better than I thought, or I thought it sucked.

I’m going to assume 4 stars. I also think everyone should go see this. This will end up being a cult film for years. I can also probably guarantee that no matter what happens, this movie will not make any money in theaters (if it makes $20 million opening weekend, it’s a smash hit) and will be a huge cult hit on DVD. Like Scott Pilgrim. It won’t make money and people won’t really know why because everyone who has seen it thinks it’s awesome. So, see this in theaters, help the cult. (Also, if this sucks, I take full responsibility for saying this in the future.)


I like that Dreamworks has no animated movie scheduled at this point in the year. That makes me very happy about the potential here. This is from the people who made Ice Age, which, the first one wasn’t bad, and the rest I didn’t care about. So I’m guessing this will be in the vein of that.

Jesse Eisenberg is voicing the bird (interesting), a rare macaw that lives at a bookstore. Scientists find a female macaw in South America (Anne Hathaway … also interesting), so they send him out there to meet her (as in, fuck). He has to overcome all his fear of flying, and his neuroses and shit (I’m guessing. It’s Eisenberg). They get kidnapped or whatever along the way, and meet other friends, a Toucan, bulldog, redbird and canary (George Lopez, Tracy Morgan, and Jamie Foxx … two stereotypes, a business decision and one actual actor), who, along with his owner (Leslie Mann … yes), get his ass down there. Also, the bad dude is played by Jemaine Clement. He’s a cockatoo.

This should be interesting. I’m guessing it’s straddling the fence between 3 stars and 4 stars. If it’s too kiddy, 3, and if it’s legit good, then 4.

Scream 4

I’m actually insanely excited for this. I remember seeing all the movies from this franchise in theaters. So if Wes Craven feels he can squeeze another one, why the fuck not? I mean, it’s basically an excuse to fuck with horror movie conventions, so I’m all for it.

They pulled out all the stops for this. Got everyone back (who’s alive…in the movie. Not like, in life), and pulled in some cameos and roles from stars who are bigger than this – Emma Roberts, Hayden Panettiere, Rory Culkin, Adam Brody, Marley Shelton, Mar McDonnell, Anthony Anderson, Anna Paquin, and Kristen Bell. (Those last two are the ones who get killed in the opening scene. I hope they make them lesbians. That would be a nice twist. A nipple twist. Zing!) So, I’m excited. Like, for the movie, not for the possible lesbians. Well okay, maybe a little for the possible lesbians. They should do a good job with this.

Though I’m wondering who the fuck else could be the killer here if it’s not Neve Campbell. I mean, why bother making a 4th if it’s just some random ass person? Clearly it’s not David Arquette, his character is borderline retarded. And Courtney Cox wouldn’t make sense. It’s either gonna be Neve Campbell, her cousin (who is Emma Roberts), or Adam Brody, since he seems like he’d fit that roll. There’s also random love interest guy, but that would be too simple.

The ending I’m hoping for – one of two, actually – is either everyone is the killer, like Clue, where they all did it in some way, shape or form (mostly form … I mean, Ghostface…), or, none of them are the killer and it’s really just some sick fuck that they never find out the identity of. Anyway, the reason this can’t be too bad, is because it was only made for $40 million. If Scream 3 were budgeted at $40 million ten years ago, this is a perfect number. Just the right amount. It’s not obligated to make money, and wasn’t made for the paycheck.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this gets 4 stars. 3 is most likely, but something tells me they’re gonna do this thing right. They might have even already sold a ticket. Because these were horror movies I actually enjoyed in theaters. And I fucking hate horror movies. So, good for them. I probably will pay $10 for this.

Apollo 18

One of those micro-budget movies that got greenlit after Paranormal Activity hit it big. Apparently they were gonna make a big budget version of a similar story and then said, “Fuck that, let’s just make it for like $20 bucks and take the profit.” Good call on that one.

I hate these kinds of movies. Sure they show how someone can be creative in the face of zero budget, but they’re just not interesting to me because they’re always thrillers with supernatural elements. I fucking hate horror movies. Do a regular movie for no budget. And then bump up the script and camerawork to not make it seem so indie.

2 stars. Also, don’t care. Will not see.

5 stars if this is really a teaser for Transformers 3. And it’s essentially a prologue to that film.

Born to Be a Star

There is no photo, so I’m just going to post one of Christina Ricci from Speed Racer.

I’m curious as to what this film is. I’m guessing, based on who is producing it and who wrote it, it’ll be terrible. These were the same dudes who wrote Grandma’s Boy. So, I’m not really expecting much.

It’s about a dude who finds out his seemingly normal parents were famous porn stars in the 70s. This motivates him to go out to Hollywood (which is wrong, isn’t it? Isn’t Vegas the porn capital? Or do they all just live there and shoot in the seedy Hollywood neighborhoods?) and become the “biggest” porn star in the world. Biggest not being a pun, just their word. So maybe it is a pun. That’s bad, when I have to guess.

I quote “biggest” because this means the goal is an extremist example, which usually hints to the quality of the film. Example: Dude finds out his parents were porn stars. He, A) wrestles with this reality, wonders what it says about them and him, takes a long, hard look in the mirror (no jokes here, this is serious … seriously hard. Zing!) and decides he needs change in his life, and goes out to do porn as well, to be closer to them and to find himself. Then it’s a dramedy. Could be dramatic, could be comedic, more so in the line of Adventureland. Or, he B) says, “Well I’m going to go out to Hollywood. I’m gonna do porn too. How you like that, Mom and Dad? Fuckers.” Then it’s just a comedy. However, he C) decides to go to Hollywood and become “the biggest porn star ever!” Now it’s a bad comedy. The more extreme the situation and character type, typically, the worse the comedy.

So, 2 stars. Why two stars? Because Christina Ricci is in it, and she is gorgeous. I love her. So, let’s assume she makes this worthwhile.

Madea’s Big Happy Family

Tyler Perry movie. Do not care. Do not care.

2 stars. Why the fuck not?

Water for Elephants

Here’s a movie that sounded like shit when I heard who was cast, but when you read the synopsis, actually seems like it can possibly be good.

First, it stars Robert Pattinson and Reese Witherspoon. I know, I know. They’re terrible. I know. Let’s move past it. I did. Let’s all of us do it together. It’s a Depression-era movie, which always intrigues me. I like period pieces like this. It’s also being directed by the dude who made I Am Legend, which is also interesting. Not sure what to make of that.

Anyway, Pattinson ends up traveling with a circus (the movie is also narrated by Hal Holbrook, who plays Pattinson at 90. Apparently this is some Little Big Man shit.), he’s a veterinarian, and he’s put in charge of caring for the animals. There, he meets Reese, who’s married to the lion tamer, played by … wait for it … Christoph Waltz. Things are looking up already, aren’t they? They refer to him in the synopsis as “charismatic, but twisted,” which is another way of saying schizophrenic. I seriously hope they show the scizophrenia and not just turn him into a dick who is charismatic and then just a mean asshole who beats her. Because then the character is ruined and then it’s all about Pattinson. After all, Mr. Lawrence knows all about ruining characters, doesn’t he? But, coming out in April, I’m afraid they’ll end up turning him into a generic villain. Christoph should be able to handle it admirably, though. Anyway, Pattinson also meets an elephant who is “untrainable” … the one that’s not Reese Witherspoon. I know exactly where this is going. Maybe this won’t be very good after all. I mean, Remember Me also sounded like it could be okay based on the cast and general premise. Look how that turned out:

Isn’t the title made ten times more hilarious when you know this? If they had called it what it was supposed to be called, then assholes like me would have jokingly guessed if that’s what the film was about and it would have ruined the whole conceit. Then it would have been twice as hilarious when we turned out to be right.

Let’s say 3 stars, for the period-ness. It could wow me and go higher, it could be shitty and lose points. Let’s assume 3. I like me some Depression era period pieces.

Fast Five

Here’s a franchise that was past its welcome after number one. 2 Fast 2 Furious was atrocious, Tokyo Drift was laughable (complete with dude with terrible Texas accent). The only thing I got out of these movies was how great they are at naming them. These titles are incredible. (For those who don’t know, #3 is named after a badass Yakuza film from the 60s. Check it out it’s better than this entire franchise put together, and makes about as much sense as they do.)

Somehow the 4th entry in this series made $70 million its opening weekend. I doubt it’s because of the film. I think it’s because of Vin Diesel. He’s one of the legit action stars we have left. Him and Statham. The rest are holdovers or actors who like doing action movies. All the younger actors are pussies.

I like Vin. I like The Rock. I’m sure this will be worth it for them. The rest, I don’t care about. So, when I watch this movie for free, I’ll probably be indifferent toward it.

3 stars. Unless they don’t give Dwayne and Vin something to do. Then, oh boy, guns are out.


You have to hand it to Disney. They burn out High School Musical, and then move right along to another franchise that’s equally as dumb and twice as likely to make shit tons of money.

I mean, I’m sure the movie will be shit, but they have an audience, and this movie will make at least $100 million. I guarantee they don’t spend $100 million, total, on this.

2 stars. Because, it’s just bad because it’s not my cup of tea. It’d get more if I were ten years younger and a girl. But I’m not, so, 2.

What’s Your Number?

Wasn’t there some tween superhero movie that came out like three months ago with this exact same title?

Anna Faris is back. Aren’t you excited for another one of her bad comedies? I feel like she chooses bad movies on purpose just so she can get reviews for being the best thing in them. Maybe it’s a way to hide a lack of talent. Like beating up children because you can’t actually beat up someone your own age. Actually, beating up children is just fun. It’s like beating up retarded people because you can’t beat up a normy.

Her character is called Ally Darling … that’s about as subtle as Jane Getstheguy. She looks back at the past twenty men she’s had relationships with (20? What kind of skanky bitch is this? Does getting fucked in the ass behind a Denny’s by a counter boy because you didn’t have enough spare change count as a relationship? Either way, 20?), and wonders if one of them might have been her true love.

Doubtful, ho. 1 star. Maybe 2, but I doubt it. It’s rated R, so that gives it some hope.

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