The Box Office Report – February 11-13

Last week, in Box Office…

The Roommate wins the weekend with $15 million. Good for the film, since it was only made for $8 million. Still, we all know it’s a piece of shit. So…yeah. Whatever. It’ll be the film that helps them make up for whichever big budget movie fails first (because you know they will). I said between $12-14 million. Everyone said $16 million. We split the difference. I was trying to be optimistic in hoping it would fail. Turns out, there are that many stupid teenagers.

Sanctum makes $9.4 million. I said 10-11. I’m happy. Let it fail. Let them all fail. Evil laugh. Seriously, watching all these movies either underperform or fail to overperform (because studios wont say it, but they do expect certain movies to overperform based on their budgets) is the best thing to happen to Hollywood right now. Also, it was higher budget than Roomie, so seeing it fail more is better. Sorry Jim, you made your money. This whole, 3D shit isn’t working, no matter how much you try.

NSA did $8 million. I guessed 8 and change, closer to 9. So, good. Less money, while staying in line with expectations. I’m both right and happy.

The King’s Speech did $7.7 million. I called it around $8 million. Check. Good for it. Honestly, I’m happy about everything to do with this film except the fact that it’s gonna win Best Picture. If it doesn’t win, then this film gets no ill will from me. What it’s doing in the box office is incredible.

The Green Hornet did $6 million. I said around 6, I was right. Good for me. Let’s pat the right shoulder this time. I probably won’t have to mention this film ever again. It’s going to fade into the sunset with just under $100 million (hopefully. I don’t want this to be considered a $100 million (profit) movie). It’s at 87, should top out at 95, max. Good. Maybe we won’t be stuck with a sequel.

The Rite made $5.6 million. Oooh. That stings. Good. I said 7-8. This is so much better. Fuck this movie. (Note: Nothing against the actual movie. It’s just the idea of the movie I have a problem with. Failure tastes good. Like Starburst. Mixed with vagina. Maybe I’ll report on this one more week just to bask in its failure.

The Mechanic did $5.3 million. I said shouldn’t do more than 6-7. This is better. Bad movies don’t deserve to have legs. Sorry don’t get it done, Dude.

True Grit did $4.6 million. I was hoping for $6 million, knowing it wouldn’t do it. Meh. It’s all great what this does at this point. When a Coen brothers movie makes $100 million, there’s still hope left.

Black Swan did $3.4 million. Right in line with expectations. Should be the last week I talk about it. Good for the film though. $96 million. Great fucking job. This is where the money should be going.

So, this week…

The big release is the shitty Adam Sandler movie, Just Go With It. A movie I will save my bad words for, because something tells me there’s a good rant to come on this one. However, Adam Sandler movies tend to open really fucking well, despite the fact that they’re really fucking bad lately. People are estimating that this movie makes at least $35 million this weekend, to which I say — the end is nigh.

I refuse to guess that a bad movie will make that much money, so, I’m going to use this week to pray to whatever higher power is out there to not let this movie make over $30 million. In fact, if it makes $26 million or less, I will accept Jesus Christ as my personal savior. For real this time.

No prediction, just a dear wish that this movie not make $30 million.

The other big opening is the Justin Bieber concert film. Which means that this weekend should single handedly net at least $70 million between these two films. Oh, dead god, why is this happening to us? They’re calling for $30 million on this too. Miley did 30. Jonas Bros. did 10. I’m guessing that he’s closer to Miley, so, he’s probably going to do closer, if not better, than those numbers. Fuck.

I am also going to use this space to pray that this doesn’t hit $30 million either. The #1 is clearly between these two, and I know there are enough stupid people in this country to go see both of these films and give them enough money to hit #1.

Why? Why can’t they just fail? (Though if they fail, oh man am I happy.)

Just to recap, we’re hoping for less than $26 million on Sandler and less than $25 on Bieber. That happens and you will hear me proclaim there is a god.

This is a weekend where I just keep my head down and then deal with the numbers after they come in. My goal is to guess who badly they fall next weekend and not what they’re gonna do now. Because, honestly, the American public is stupid. Oh, so stupid.

Also, anyone reading this — do not go see these movies. Do not pay for them. See them if you want, but buy a ticket to True Grit, King’s Speech, Black Swan or something like that. Giving movies like this money is like voting for a flat tax when you’re poor.

Wide release #3 — there are four of them this weekend. This is like fighting a cold with steroids. It’s like Gary Oldman in The Professional — “Send everyone!” — is Gnomeo and Juliet. Judging from the fact that this is an animated movie geared toward very young children, and that it wasn’t made by Disney, Pixar or DreamWorks, we can pretty much assume this will make less than $15 million and not be remembered at all. Remember Alpha and Omega? Yeah, it’s one of those. This is clearly one of those $8-12 million movies, maybe $13 million, and it will be forgotten about in three weeks.

Wide release #4 is The Eagle. Rome movie, action. Shitty, small, no one cares. If this movie makes more than $8 million I will be astounded. They’re saying it’ll do around 10, but I don’t think so. I think everything is dilute enough that $9 million would be a fantastic number for the studio if they get it. I’m saying around $8 million.

Now for the holdovers —

Yeah, these are gonna do really poorly. I love it.

Roomie should fall below $8 million to around $7 million and change. 50% drop. I’d like for it to be high 6 or even lower, but let’s not waste hope on this when we have bigger fish to die up there.

Sanctum has gotten no opening, bad reviews, and probably bad press, so, let’s say that does around $5 million and change. That way next week I won’t need to mention it at all past what it did this weekend.

King’s Speech continues to hold, so let’s say it does around high 5, low $6 million.

NSA did 8 last weekend, so … let’s call it around $5 million.

The Rite I will mention one last time to bask in its failure — let’s say, $3.5 million. Then I get to laugh next week and not mention it ever again.

That’s it. The others are already or will be well under $5 million. I’d like to report on them, but we have enough as it is. If something I didn’t mention overperforms, I’ll say something. If not, the rest were all under $5 million and are nonfactors anymore.

Everyone, pray the bad movies fail.

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