Mike’s Movie Reviews: Retro Edition

A long time ago, back when I was a fledgling writer, that wasn’t yesterday, I would write things that I thought were funny all the time. Of course, some of them were, I’m sure, but a lot of it was just me constantly writing, writing, writing. And back in the heyday of Facebook (remember those days?), they had a bunch of applications and such that you could play games, or whatever they did. And one of them was a Movies application. I forget the name of it. But on it you could take stupid quizzes and stuff, rate movies, judge your tastes against your friends’. Things like that. At this point, I was pretty pretentious about my film tastes. It was my first year away from home, and I was used to people who watched the shittiest dribble possible and loved it. And I, having seen like thirty more good films than they did, felt I was better than them. Naturally, those movies I saw were the same thirty films that anyone getting into film sees and loves when they’re first starting out. But, the point there is, because I had that chip on my shoulder, it allowed me to start berating other films. And we all know how that turns out.

In fact, for those who enjoy my beratement of movies — good movies, bad movies, whatever. I take humor where I can get it — these reviews are essentially an earlier version of what I do now. Any kind of wordplay or minor flaw in logic that I can find is blown up, exaggerated and made fun of. That’s just how I am. I find it fun. I don’t care if you do.

Having a distraction that allowed me to engender my supposed superiority in film tastes and write stuff, I started rating movies on this application. At a crazy rate. Granted, it was the summer, and I had little better to do, but I must have ended up with over 800 rated movies. And if you haven’t seen this application, rating movies takes time. So it’s not like Netflix where you can rate 800 movies within the span of like three hours if you tried hard enough (Of note: I’ve currently rated over 4,300 movies on Netflix. Apparently this is a trend in my life). And, of those 800, a considerable number of them I reviewed as well. Of course, the word review is specious. Some of them were merely just, “awesome film,” with the appropriate rating. But, there were still a lot.

And after Facebook became corporate and the applications started gathering all your information and advertising to you and stuff, I went in and deleted all the ones I had. But, before doing so, I stopped over at this Movies application and read through these reviews to see if any were funny enough to save. It’s no secret that I am a huge fan of my own writing, so it makes sense that I would do this. Plus, the amount of time that went into it, naturally I should see how much good came of it. And the other thing that made me do it was that I distinctly remembered reviewing a specific movie (which I will point out later) that apparently was so good, I got two separate messages from people telling me how funny it was and then two friend requests because of it (which I turned down. I’m not gonna be friends with someone I don’t know. That would just be weird).

Anyway, after saving all those reviews for some time, I wondered what the fuck I was going to do with them. And then came Bronson, so to speak. Along came a blog, which now allowed me to share all my curds and whey with the world. Plus this shit takes up room. So posting it on here allows me to clear up some fucking space on my hard drive, so I can more easily find the shit I’m going to work on.

So, to clear the hard drive, I present to you, all of the worthwhile reviews I wrote on the Movies application on Facebook. For your convenience, I got rid of all the boring ones. So these are only the funny ones. A final note on them is that these are 100% unadulterated, posted exactly as I wrote them. And, for the ones I think you might not recognize, I’ll link to IMDB. Ain’t I nice sometimes? Now to make with the funny:

Look Who’s Talking Now — The dogs. That’s who’s talking now. There, I just saved you 100 minutes.

The Hills Have Eyes 2 — So, they still have eyes? The hills still have eyes, apparently. They should just make puns off of the title from here on out. “The Hills Have Twenty-Twenty Vision.” “The Hills Get Laser Surgery.” “The Hills Get Reading Glasses.” “The Hills’ Eyes Are Up Here, Sir.”

Enough About ten minutes in. That’s when I said the title. How about you?

The Skeleton Key — How about using that key to get into whoever made this’s house and shoot them in the knee cap?

The Flintstones — Well, they got Elizabeth Taylor. That’s got to count for something, right?

Highlander — There can only be one. And yet they made like, four sequels.

Constantine — Interesting biopic about the Holy Roman emperor who converted the entire empire to christianity. Still not sure what peter stormare was doing in a red body stocking, though. Or why Keanu Reeves was wearing a suit. Isn’t this the thirteenth century? Wait, what movie is this?

The Lost Boys — Was this really what Peter Pan was about?

Honey, I Blew Up the Kid — I would like to see a literal version of this title. That would amuse me.

The Shaggy Dog (Note: The Tim Allen one) — Jesus. I’m not exclaiming my disgust, I’m praying. Please, Jesus, smite thee who created this unholy monstrosity.

American Pie 5: The Naked Mile — Must have been cold outside that day.

21 – I want to see the counterpart to this movie, the one where 21 year olds go binge drinking at the Coor’s factory in Colorado and get alcohol poisoning and their money stolen by a hooker.

We Own the Night — I don’t think they actually specify who, in fact, owns the night. I’m assuming that it’s the police, since, they win. Which, I guess then would imply, since police work for the government, that the government owns the night. I don’t think I like that message. Then it’s, we own the day, we own the country, we own you, we own the world, we own Starbucks. Well, they can take Starbucks. Starbucks sucks.

Tristan and Isolde (Note: I was proven right on this one. The first part, anyway.) — James Franco needs a new agent. Or a new career. Or both. Seriously. Or, let’s just shoot the fuck and make all of our lives better.

Tremors — Giant worms! That is so awesome. That’s only one degree of Kevin Bacon. If you ever had to link Kevin Bacon to giant killer worms — bam. One degree. That’s why he made it.

Pretty in Pink — Also another great title for a porno. Just picture those words as character names. Uh huh.

That Thing You Do! — This could so easily be a porno, except, instead of an exclamation point, there would be parentheses (With Your Tongue). That would totally sell.

The Nutty Professor II: The Klumps — What a klump of shit.

Lemony Snicket’s a Series of Unfortunate Events — You know, when you get right down to it, it’s just enjoyable to see bad things happening to children.

Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey — Yay. Homeward Bound! I love talking animals. It’s like Look Who’s Talking Too, only the animal isn’t Kirstie Alley.

Are We Done Yet? — God, I fuckin’ hope so.

Dark Water — Yeah, okay. The Hudson river water will kick the shit out of this dark water. Ours actually dissolves the bodies.

Thelma and Louise — The ultimate feminist movie, taken to its natural conclusion — driving a car, off a cliff.

The Covenant — Kill all of these people. Whoever wrote this movie should be strapped to a chair and disembowled in front of their children.

Jurassic Park III — What the hell are they going to do now that they’ve escaped? “J-Park IV: Dinosaurs Take Manhattan.” “J-Park V: Mr. Rex Goes to Washington.” “J-Park VI: The Passion of the Raptor.” (Note: J-Park VII: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire.”)

How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days — These two should only do movies together. Then I’d only have one movie to avoid a year instead of two. (Note: Right on the money on this one, wasn’t I?)

Jumanji – Finally, an excuse for Robin Williams to have all that hair.

Blades of Glory — Someone should have stabbed Will Ferrell in the face for making this.

Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins — …and don’t come back.

P.S. I Love You — P.S. Your movie sucks.

Contact — It’s funny, because, there is no contact, at all, until the last fifteen minutes. And it’s like, three hours long. Why would you do that?

I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry — An hour and a half long gay joke. Not a funny one, so, it’s a long hour and a half. (Note: I Now Pronounce this Movie Dead on Arrival.)

Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed — It’s a joke. The monsters are the actors.

Speed 2: Cruise Control — The subtitle says it all. (Note: It should be the name of the Scientology movie.)

The Grudge 2 — I had a grudge against the filmmakers for the first one, and guess what? Now, if I see them, I will shiv them in the gall bladder.

Shanghai Knights — It’s a play on the first movie’s title (Note: Shanghai Noon.), and yet, that was a play on a western title (Note: High Noon.), and yet, this takes place in England, where there is no national genre (Note: Unless it’s a historical movie about a king. Making a speech.), and it has kung fu, and knights (Note: Not from England). What the fuck is going on?

All Dogs Go to Heaven — Which would mean — all cats go to hell. Where’s that sequel?

Agent Cody Banks 2: Desination London — Good, get that kid out of my country. Let them have him.

The Neverending Story — It just keeps going and going and going..and then it ends. Liars.

Babe — I just had so much fun picturing that same poster layout for other movies. Like Schindler’s List.

(Note: Here’s the poster.) (Other note: Wouldn’t that tagline be great for a pork company?)

The Last Mimzy — What’s a mimzy?

Zathura — Also known as Jumangi 2: Cha-Ching. Seriously though, all in all, it’s worth it the first time. Like marriage. After that, you’re just throwing away your money.

Saw III — This is like I Spy. I spy, before my eyes were gouged out by that giant contraption, sixteen executions and more gruesome shit. (Note: This is funnier now that they made one in 3D.)

Broken Arrow — A great revisionist movie about a guy who falls in love with an Indian princess and makes peace between the whites and Cochise. Travolta rightfully plays the Indian princess.

Twister — There is no plot. Shit happens. Stuff gets blown around. White people run toward it. God, white people are stupid.

Big Daddy — What have I learned from this movie? Getting hit by cars makes kids happy, newspaper covers all messes, peeing on things is fun, and the main credential for winning over somebody’s heart is the ability to wipe one’s own ass. (Note: Technically I learned this from The Miracle Worker too.)

Free Willy — Quite an inspiring movie. You almost forget the opening scene is a bunch of poachers killing whales. God I miss those days.

Fool’s Gold — There’s stupid, and there’s stupid. This is both the former and the later. At least they’re making all their movies together now, giving me only one to skip each year instead of two. (Note: Ha.)

The Aristocats — The dirtiest joke of all time. My favorite? The one where they talk about fist-fucking the daughter with Popeye arms. Oh, this is the children’s movie…damnit! I always mix those two up.

Beauty and the Beast — I think the synopsis says it all (Note: This was the actual synopsis they had.): “A young, beautiful girl awaits the day she will be killed after having asked for a most humble gift.”

Cheaper By the Dozen — That’s what it says above the bin this is in at Wal-Mart.

Cruel Intentions — Exactly what all 13 year old boys who watched this movie had.

Because I Said So — Don’t watch this movie, (insert title).

Dr. Dolittle (Note: The Eddie Murphy version) — If I could talk to the animals, I wouldn’t help them, I would make them do my bidding. I’d have monkeys raping children and cattle molesting old people. Who wants to save a tiger with a tumor? I want rhinos sodomizing mailboxes.

She’s the Man — She should be shot.

My Best Friend’s Wedding — I wish it were My Best Friend’s Funeral, and my best friend was this movie.

Raise Your Voice — Don’t raise your voice, raise your axe. Steady now…steady…

The Lake House — “Whoa. This chick is talking to me through this mailbox. She’s sending me letters but I can’t see her. Whoa. Hey, isn’t that the chick that rode the bus with me?”

You’ve Got Mail — When a stranger emails, except the stranger is Tom Hanks, and not some crazy pervert looking for pictures to masturbate to. Or is he?…

The Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride — Haha, get it, pride? Clever. Instead of being based on Hamlet, this one is based on Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinkin’ Your Juice in the Hood.

Runaway Bride — I have something in common with Julia Roberts. We both ran away during this movie.

Enemy of the State — A nice commentary about how the black man is the enemy of the state, and really is only an enemy because they made friends with the white man all those years ago. (Note: That’s scarily accurate.)

When a Stranger Calls — Kinda seems dumb to remake when everyone has Caller ID, doesn’t it? Next year — “When a Stranger Voicemails,” “When a Stranger Instant Messages,” and “When a Stranger Telemarkets You Even Though You’re on the Do Not Call List.”

28 Days — Intense psychological zombie movie, with lots of tense moments….oh wait, what the hell is this? Sandra Bullock in rehab? Jesus Christ, this IS a zombie movie. (Note: This is the one I got the messages about.)

The Mummy — I actually liked the sequel better.

The Mummy Returns — Rachel Weisz is hotter in this one.

Dumb and Dumber — Great psychological drama. A nice examination into the dichotomy of good and evil. I really think the explosive diarrhea scene really helped elevate the claustrophobic tension of the film to a palpable level.

Rocky V — Yeah, well, we all have retarded cousins.

The Santa Clause — It’s a Tim Allen Christmas. Argh Argh Argh Argh.

Scream 2 — New and improved, and now featuring real black people!

The Forgotten — Perfect title. You’ll understand when you see it.

Firewall — “Why did it have to be computer thieves?” (Note: “Get off of my email!”) (Other note: “Passwords. I hate these guys.”)

Fantastic Four — Is that a big orange pile of rocks or Jessica Alba acting? I couldn’t really tell.

Big Fat Liar — Big Fat Liar. That title goes to Disney, who told me this would be “Fun for the whole family.” Well, I’m part of the family, and this was a piece of garbage. (Note: Look who directed it.)

Are We There Yet? — Are We Done Yet? That’s what I asked, and apparently they thought I wanted a sequel.

My Girl — Best line ever, in this synopsis – “A doomed Macaulay Culkin becomes the object of affection…” That gives away your weepy ending right there. He’s allergic to bees for god’s sake! Maybe he shouldn’t have went and dropped his mood ring in there. Yeah, i said it.

Rumor Has It… — Rumor has it Jennifer Aniston can’t act. The rumor is proven here. (Note: Fuck her.)

Coach Carter — “Enough is enough! I want these motherfuckin’ opponents losing this motherfuckin’ game!”

Jeepers Creepers — Who else wouldn’t want to see Justin Long die?

Yours, Mine & Ours — Yours = Money; Mine = Yours; Ours = A real shitty movie.

The Hills Have Eyes — I have eyes too. I didn’t want to while watching this movie.

Ladder 49 — I got through it okay. Can’t say the same for Joaquin Phoenix.

A Walk to Remember — “Hey, I’m Mandy Moore. I have leukemia. Boo hoo. Please come to my movie and cry.” I sincerely apologize to all the teenage girls who actually liked this movie, but you let your crazy women feelings get in the way of what is a bad movie. (Note: It’s true.)

Save the Last Dance (for me) — Save the last bullet for me.

E.T. The Extra Terrestrial — “E.T. phone home” … “Oh we’re sorry little buddy, we’re running low on daytime minutes and the bill doesn’t cut off for another two weeks. Looks like you’ll have to hide in my closet until then.”

That’s it. Now I kind of want to go back to this thing and review some more movies. This is fun. There will be more of these eventually. I guarantee it.

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