Mike’s Movie Reviews: Crazy, Stupid, Love.

I’ve tried to avoid these as much as possible, just because, the purpose of the blog at this stage is the Oscar Quest. I’d love nothing more than to write reviews for things, but for now, I really need to get this Quest out of the way as soon as possible. Trust me, though, once that’s done, more of these will happen. The more practical reason I avoid these is because — I’ve kind of become infamous among my friends for them.

One day last summer (almost exactly a year ago), I watched The Switch. It was after midnight, and I put it on as one of those throwaway movies before bed. One of those ones that don’t require you to think. New releases are perfect for that. And, instead of the movie getting me ready to sleep, as was the plan, it made me angry. Very angry. And, as I watched it I wrote a rant about the film that was — pretty memorable. It became the basis for my Unforgivables list. But because of that list, I’ve become hesitant whenever I wanted to write up my thoughts for a film (at least, anything more than a paragraph), just because, what if it turns into something like that Switch rant? I figure, just wait, and do it in January for the Unforgivables list. But, sometimes anger finds a way. (Dr. Malcolm taught me that.)

I don’t stop writing down my thoughts on films when they come to me (that would be a waste of material), so what I do is write them down to my friends in Facebook messages, so that way I can limit the audience to a handful of people who would enjoy it most, and then in a few months, throw it up on here, because then it’s just something funny I did once that more people should see. Here, though, my rant was a little on the long side. (10 pages in Word!). It would have taken 5 Facebook messages to post. And I have the habit of being a bit verbose (in case this intro wasn’t enough of a hint), so I try not to write things that are overly long, so as to not piss off the people in that thread who already feel overwhelmed by my constant honey badgering. Which means this had to be posted here. Because I can’t sit on this for another four months. Not gonna happen. So, enjoy my complete bashing of review of Crazy, Stupid, Love., a crazy, stupid, movie.:

Crazy, Stupid, Love. is the most offensive movie I’ve seen in years. And I’ve watched Katherine Heigl movies. This movie manages to be more demeaning to women than a Michael Bay movie and rap music combined! It’s so bad I wish it would die in a fire.

First off, what’s with the title? “Crazy, Stupid, Love.” It looks like one of those stupid phrases 13-year old girls put as the tagline on their Myspace pages. “Kristin – Crazy, Stupid, Love.” Right between the dumb quote about dancing like no one can see you and “I <3 Jayson!!! 143!!”, with the “anniversary” date that’s eight days prior. Seriously, why would you give your movie such a stupid, vapid, bullshit yuppie title as that? With a period at the end of it… mother fuck you! You arrogant piece of shit. You don’t need a period at the end of it, you’re a fucking cunt for naming your movie that.

(Note: For those not familiar with my reviews, at least for films I deem “Unforgivable,” there’s a lot of random, angry yelling. I tend to only do this for films that physically cause me anger when I watch them. I try to capture me true feelings toward the movie rather than censor myself. You’ve been warned.)

Maybe it is appropriate that the title is so stupid and yuppie and vapid, because it’s a forbearer of what the rest of the movie is. Here’s a movie filled with NOT ONE redeemable character (and if they are, they don’t do anything, so it doesn’t matter). All of them are so fake, so stupid, and so annoying, that I wish every single one of them were on United Airlines Flight 93.

The movie starts with Steve Carell and Julianne Moore at dinner. He asks her what she wants for dessert, and she says a divorce. Then we see them on their ride home. It’s awkward. About as awkward if you were friends with a vampire and accidentally sliced your finger open. And you’re sitting there on the couch afterward, not looking at each other, and he’s like, “Yeah, sorry I just tried to kill you there. Sometimes I can’t help myself. I wasn’t really going to slit your throat open and dance under the cascade of blood, that’s just something I say. I don’t really want to make it rain throat blood. Hey – you want some of this popcorn?”

So they’re in the car, and she’s like, “Twenty-five years of marriage, and you have nothing to say?”, and he’s just sitting there, hurt, wounded, upset, not wanting to be there, staring straight ahead, just wanting to die. And she starts telling him she slept with someone else, who it is, how he knows him, and all of these details about it, and Carell, really not wanting to hear this, opens the door or the car and dives out onto the pavement because he can’t take it anymore. Oh man! What a way to start a comedy! Aren’t you ready to have a good time now? Maybe we can all slit our wrists while listening to Death Cab after this.

So we intercut that opening scene with what’s going on at their home. Their babysitter, after putting their daughter to bed, accidentally walks in on their older son masturbating. But, before that, there’s this really overt shot where, as she was playing with the daughter before putting her to bed, they knock over a picture, and as the babysitter picks it up, she covers Julianne Moore with her hand so she can only look at Steve Carell. Get it? She wants to fuck Steve Carell! I bet you did get it. Because the shot was about as subtle as a dick in the ass.

But wait, there’s more. The son comes in afterward and apologizes to the babysitter, for, I guess…pursuing his biological urges. I don’t really know. He says, “I’m sorry you had to see that,” which is okay, but strange, considering what he’s about to say. Because he then tells her, “If it makes you feel any better, I only think of you when I do it.” Oh-kay. So why apologize first? Shouldn’t you not be sorry she had to see that? Shouldn’t you be like, “Yeah, look at this. Look at my dick. I’m jackin’ it to you. Come over here and help me out”? But, I guess coming out and telling her you love her is another way to go.

So let’s get this straight – the wife is fucking another guy, the son wants to fuck the babysitter, the babysitter wants to fuck the father, and the father is Steve Carell, who, at this point, has done nothing. Honestly, if someone doesn’t get hit by a car and get amnesia by the end of this movie, I’m shanking some motherfuckers.

But let’s get back to teenager and the babysitter. Less than three minutes after being caught masturbating (Do you think he finished? Or did he just zip up and come outside? Do you waste a hard-on, or do you try to rectify the situation as quickly as possible (and possibly even get her to help you out with it)? And if you do go outside without finishing, do you think he finishes after this? Because you have to finish at some point. You can’t just leave that unfinished. The movie doesn’t address this, and I think it should. When does one finish masturbating after being caught?), he is in the living room, apologizing to the babysitter, telling her that he was jacking off to her and that he loves her.

I don’t really have a problem with him telling her that he was jacking it to her. My problem is why he continues. No normal person would do this, even if this is the optimal time to do so. And the way he does it is so bad, it makes me want to watch a Beverly Hills Chihuahua sequel than finish this movie. Seriously, fuck you screenwriters. Fuck you with a giant purple dick named Oprah. This is what he says:

“I know you’re seventeen, and I know I just turned thirteen – the same age as your little brother – but, soon, our ages won’t even matter, which is good, because, I think you’re my soulmate.”

First off, what fucking kid talks like that? Second, what possible purpose could the “same age as your little brother” aside serve? That’s one of my biggest movie pet peeves. Not exactly, but it’s similar. It’s when the filmmakers try to shoehorn in exposition at the sake of the exchange making sense. They think the audience is so dumb they won’t understand certain relationships that they assume they’re so dumb that they won’t pick up on the fact that this dude, while talking to his brother, says, “You know, Clara – my wife – she likes using vibrating eggs in her anus too.” They’re so worried the audience might not know who Clara is, that they overlook the obvious – why the fuck isn’t his brother like, “Dude, I know who Clara is. You’ve been married for 17 years. Are you stroking out or something?” That would be like if I were talking to you and was like, “You know, Obama – the President – he’s black.”

What makes this doubly worse is the fact that – WHO GIVES A FUCK WHAT AGE HER YOUNGER BROTHER IS? What relevance does that have to what’s going on? If it weren’t there, would you care? If you want to bring up the fact that he’s the same age as her brother, write ONE MORE FUCKING LINE! Don’t just cram it in there like that. All you have to do is have her be like, “You’re the same age as my little brother. It would be weird.” Done. Done! God, I want to commit some fucking hate crimes right now. We’re only four and a half minutes into the goddamn thing.

I’m not even going to get into the soulmate thing. No child talks like that, and if they do, I think they might be a Trisomy baby.

We then cut – out of nowhere, mind you – to Emma Stone, who is talking about how she’d have Conan O’Brien’s babies. Why? I don’t know, and, frankly, I’m not going to ask. It’s meant to be funny, and, honestly, it’s fine. My problem with it is how they just drop it once they get into the scene and don’t even bother to transition you into the alleged “meat and potatoes” (which feels more like Spam and that powdered shit you add milk to and make Instant Mashed) of the scene. She goes, “You’d have sex with Conan O’Brien? Eww. One friend to another — eww.” And then they just pause, like, “Well, I guess we gotta get into the scene now,” and the friend just goes, “I don’t know, you’re life is just so PG-13.” Which, where the fuck did that come from? Try harder, filmmakers.

Not only that, after dropping a comedy bit out of nowhere to get to the point of the exchange, they just breeze through all the exposition as well. Why bother? You 86 the fluff, and then force in all the exposition you can as quickly as possible. This is how this scene goes: they make the Conan O’Brien joke (which is awkward. It’s not that funny), then there’s the pause, and the friend goes, “I don’t know, you’re life is just so PG-13. I worry about you sometimes.” And then she literally just throws out all the exposition in one sentence. “You’ve never left LA. You pass the bar in two months and then you’re what, a patent lawyer, married to that human Valium Richard?”

Really? Is this what friends talk about when they go out to the bar? Also, do you think Emma Stone doesn’t know all this? It seems like these two have known each other for a while. You sure people would talk with that kind of specificity and no shorthand in a casual situation? Or is this so an audience watching can pick up on it? How about — and I’m just spitballing here — if you cared that much about the exposition, you cut the lines at the beginning of the scene, and maybe tried a little more artfully to get the important information out there. You know, the way writers are supposed to. Or, how about you don’t throw it out immediately and feed it out slowly over the course of the scene? Which would allow you to have your riffing at the beginning and then the meat and potatoes too. Why must you fuck up both possible versions of this scene by doing it this way? (Anyone know where I can buy a gun without the waiting period?)

Then Gosling shows up. We first see him creepily watching Emma Stone from the bar. Probably with his hand on his dick. And he comes over and all he does is spout pickup lines at her. Here’s where everything gets offensive. He starts spouting lines, one after another after another, and she tells him, “I’m not attracted to you, these aren’t working, please stop.” And he keeps going, because apparently she’s just a piece of meat whose shield isn’t that strong. And she tells him he’s a little old to be using lines, and he keeps using them anyway. Let’s also mention that in this exchange they find a clever way to tell the audience that she’s a lawyer, which right there eliminates the necessity for that terrible exposition earlier. (The disregard for logic and entertainment here is baffling.) He also hits on her friend during this exchange, which –

Let’s talk about the friend. The ethnically diverse, Asian friend. Her sole purpose in this scene is to be like, “Don’t go study to be a lawyer, don’t marry the stable guy, come out with me, drink and get dick!” (She does have a couple of great moments when toasts are being made, and they’re going long, and she’s like, “Dude, focus,” pointing to her drink, like “We need to get on this shit.” My kind of woman.)

But that’s not what I wanted to talk about with the friend. I’m here to talk about the draft her reaction to Gosling. Here’s a scene that has a dude trying mercilessly to sleep with a woman. He does so in the worst way possible (don’t mistake being an asshole for being smooth), completely disregarding her feelings in the matter and just waiting for her to say yes so he can take her home and fuck her. And here she is, responding the way an intelligent woman should respond (whether she wants to fuck him or not). And the film, seeing that they’re doing the right thing, seems to (and it does this a lot over the course of the film) realize that, and go, “We’re doing the right thing….we need to fix that.” Because, as Emma Stone turns down this man who is willing to demean her in order to get in her pants, this friend — is immediately smitten with Gosling and falls for everything he has to say. She completely disregards her friend, does nothing to take her side in the matter, and instead, stares at Gosling like he’s an adonis. To the point where, when he turns to her (probably because she’s staring at him) and says, “Hi,” she immediately says, “I love you.”

I don’t know what’s worse – that he’s here, spouting all these pickup lines, expecting them to work, or the fact that this friend is so fucking stupid that she’s fallen for them. And Gosling is literally hovering over the table like a rapist, going,” You find me attractive.” And she’s like, “I don’t.” And he’s like, “You do. You totally do.” And her friend is sitting there like, “She does, she totally does.” What is this, Rain Man? “De-de-definitely finds you attractive.” And Emma Stone is literally telling him to get the fuck away from the table, and he, instead, takes a chair and sits down. And he tells her, “Look, one day, you’re gonna die. You’re gonna get old, unattractive, and you’re gonna fucking die. And before you do, you’re not gonna think back and be like, “Oh man, I shouldn’t have fucked that one guy I met in that bar that one random night, even though he was totally awesome in bed.” Which, okay, she probably won’t be thinking that. She’ll probably be screaming, like, “Oh my god it fucking hurts! I don’t wanna die, oh my god it hurts!” But, that’s the scene. We’ve just been introduced to our co-lead, and, he’s a creepy rapist. Great way to start a comedy, right? I feel like Irreversible started in a similar fashion.

Steve Carell — we’re back to him — he goes to that same bar (on a different night) and starts getting drunk. He goes to the same bar for two weeks. Here’s where we get the Steve Carell humor. Which, oh man, you know how I love that. He’s sitting at the bar, talking loudly and awkwardly, telling random strangers his wife fucked another man. He uses the word cuckold a lot. I guess this is supposed to be funny. I guess it’s also funny when his boss is being extra nice to him because someone heard him crying in the bathroom and they think he has cancer. And then he announces to everyone that it’s not cancer, it’s a divorce, and they all clap. Because that’s funny.

Somebody euthanize these characters.

So Ryan Gosling comes over to him and tells Carell to stop being such a bitch. He tells him he’s gonna help him. Which, is really the only thing the movie’s done right so far. I say they did it right because – this is the point of the movie. Gosling helps Carell get over his wife leaving him. So they do that for a while. There’s a montage. And then Josh Groban is in the movie, as the boring boyfriend. Who isn’t that bad. But her ethnically diverse Asian girlfriend talks about him like he’s some asshole. But the movie doesn’t care about that story, so neither do we.

So Steve Carell goes to a bar, and gets lessons from Ryan Gosling. Now, the problem with this is – Gosling is a creepy rapist. He uses terrible pickup lines (the kind where, no women but those willing to ignore them because they really want dick would ever let work. And even so, is it that worth it?), and even when Carell calls him out on it, like, “You use that? That worked?,” EVEN THE WOMAN SAYS IT WORKED! What is this movie saying about women? That all they need is some compliments and they’re totally willing to to give it up to you? I don’t even know where to begin with how demeaning that is. We’ll pick up on this later. Because there’s so much worse shit that happens in the meantime.

Gosling brings Carell to a bar, and basically has him stand and watch as he picks up a woman. Not from afar – he has him stand next to them. So Gosling goes over to a woman, Carell in toe, and introduces himself. He’s basically saying, “Hi, I’m here to make you come have sex with me, and he’s going to watch.” No joke. That’s what happens. He asks the woman her name, then high fives her and introduces himself. Then Carell, trying to be cool, does the same. And Gosling completely turns away from the woman, ignoring her, and says to Carell, “Not yet,” which is basically saying, “No, no, you’re not supposed to be introduced yet. Let me show you the correct way to conquer. Look, I’m sorry lady, he doesn’t know the proper protocol. Bear with me. He just needs to see how I’m gonna get you to fuck me.” It’s so fucking offensive to women I can’t believe it.

This scene – and this movie – is operating under the basic assumption, as I said, that women, when approached by a guy who forcefully inserts himself in front of them, says nice things about them, and basically says, “Let’s go and fuck,” will always go home with that man. (And this is including the fact that, whenever they try to tell him about themselves, he goes, “That’s boring. I don’t want to know about you. I want to go home and fuck. Let’s get out of here.” And they do! What the cock is that shit? This should not be working at the rate it does in this movie.) And not only that, the movie also operates under the assumption that all men who have been married and are now single are completely incapable of carrying on a conversation. Do all men immediately say stupid shit and make dated references that reveal their age and tell boring stories about their children that they think are funny but really aren’t? All of them? Why bother, screenwriter? Seriously. Why bother, if you’re not even going to try? (I guess this means that all men who can talk to women after they’re married are automatically adulterers. Anyone notice that subtlety that operates in films without us knowing it? Interesting, right?)

And then – oh man, I almost forgot about this – there’s one moment that’s so overtly offensive that I’m amazed it even made the movie. I blame the filmmakers on this one. There’s a montage of Gosling leaving with women – like, a crazy number of women. I’m amazed he’s allowed to even go back to that bar, the amount of women he’s fucked. Wouldn’t they all know each other by now? Or are we operating on the assumption that only he returns to the bar and none of the women he slept with will ever go to that bar again? But anyway, after he leaves with one woman, Carell is sitting there, alone, and a hot, dark-skinned, vaguely Indian woman starts walking over to the table (in slow motion. There’s a lot of slo-mo in this movie, for no reason at all, really). I say vaguely because, she’s dark, but she could be a bunch of different ethnicities. But we know for a fact that she’s Indian. The movie makes this explicitly clear. You know why? Because, when she’s walking toward Carell, the soundtrack suddenly gets this vaguely Hindu type sound to it. They literally start playing a sitar as Carell watches her come over. They code her as Indian so clearly, and the way Carell looks at her basically makes it so you know he’s thinking, “I’m gonna fuck an Indian chick!” I cannot believe this got in. It’s like that overly racist moment in X-Men: First Class where Kevin Bacon says the word “slave” and they immediately cut to the only black guy in the movie in mega close up. Wow.

There’s also a scene where Gosling explains his methods to Carell by using The Karate Kid as an example. He says, “You know how Miyagi teaches him the wax on and off thing but is really teaching him how to fight?” And then he goes, “What do I do when I go up to a girl?” “You buy her a drink. Always. Even if she doesn’t want it, you insist.” “And do I talk about myself?” “Never. Never talk about yourself, always about her. Because bar banter is boring and you put the impetus on her. She has to be the interesting one. ‘Impress me. Impress me with how interesting you are.’ It’s a game. A creepy little game.” “At the end of the night, what do I do? Do I ask them to come home with me?” “No, you tell them to come home with you. They have no choice in the matter, it’s your choice, and they are so overjoyed to have had the opportunity to make sweet, sweet love to you.” And Carell goes, “Oh my god! You did. You Miyagi’d me.” Which is basically him approving of this horribly, horribly demeaning treatment of women, and saying, “Yes, this is what we should do to members of the opposite sex.” We do recognize that this is not okay, right?

But let’s leave Rip and Rape for now. Because we have Carell’s son to deal with. He has an entire plot line for no specific reason.

After that opening scene with the babysitter, the next time we see the son, he’s in English class, as the teacher talks about The Scarlet Letter. Apparently they don’t teach any other books in movie schools. They also apparently have not found a way to accurately show what class is like on screen. Because here, the teacher writes the title and author of the book on the board (you’d think she wouldn’t need to do that when the kids have the books in front of them), underlines it, while saying it aloud to the class and talking about the major themes of the book. We always seem to catch them while they’re talking about the major themes of books. And asking the students about them. That’s what I don’t get. How can you do both? If you’re talking about themes, wouldn’t the students have already read the book? Wouldn’t it be stupid to say the title and author of a book after the students have spent weeks reading it? Similarly, if you’re introducing it for the first time, how would the kids know what the major themes are? Did anyone even think about logic here? Or did they just assume the audience doesn’t think at all and won’t care about that little oversight (and the many others that are in this movie)?

So the kid is in class, sending texts to his babysitter (how’d he get her number, again?), totally harassing her, and is caught by the teacher. And she asks what all teachers ask, “Are we interrupting anything?” Which — who’s we? The rest of the class? I bet they don’t give a fuck. They’re probably welcoming a change from the droning. Is it the royal we? Because if so, stop being such a cunt, lady. It’s 2011, be glad he’s not taking pictures of your ass and putting them on Youtube. So she catches him, and he, out of nowhere, goes (stands up, too, because you have to stand up. It’s a bad movie), “You wanna talk about ‘The Scarlet Letter’?”, and gives a whole speech about how he thinks the “A” stood for “asshole,” and how “love is for stupid assholes,” and how anyone who is in love is an asshole, and how all the characters are assholes –

Actually, this might be the best way to review this movie. Good job, kid.

Then, later on, he stands outside in front of a crowd and declares his love for the babysitter in front of her entire school. Which – what were the writers thinking here? Did they think it would be realistic? Did they think it would go over and fit with the material? Did they think people wouldn’t see how contrived that situation is and would just go with it anyway? I’m really curious. Because actual thought had to go into this scene, and I’d really like to know who thought this was a good idea. Because they probably should be killed.

Okay, back to Carell, and what might be the most demeaning scene of the entire movie. Because, in a movie like this, what they should do (if they were respectable) is balance out the bad message with a good one. You have Gosling go around, treating women like shit and teaching Carell to do the same — “Tell her she’s boring. Berate the shit out of her and don’t make her feel like a person, but then tell her she’s pretty, and she’ll be sucking your dick in no time” — and then Carell’s supposed to do it, it doesn’t work, and then he learns that all he really needs to do is just be himself and not treat women like objects to stick your dick in, which would be underlined when Gosling falls in love with Emma Stone and gets her by being himself and not doing the whole asshole with pickup lines act. The problem, though, is, the movie doesn’t do that. In fact, it again underlines the point that, Gosling’s methods really do work. It says, “No, women really are shallow and willing to give up the vag in exchange for compliments.” Check this shit out:

Carell goes over to Marisa Tomei, trying to employ Gosling’s methods. He goes to buy her a drink, and she says she’s a recovering alcoholic. (They always frequent bars.) And she asks what he does, and rather than answering (like a decent human being), he ducks the question, to the point where she’s like, “You’re not going to tell me what you do?”, and then when she starts telling him what she does, he immediately goes, “Boring!” and insults her. (I guess this is supposed to be funny. Attacking a woman’s alcohol issues and belittling her career choices are always funny and never hurtful at all.) And she gets up to walk away, and I’m like, “Oh, good! Now he’s going to be himself and win her over.” But no. No he doesn’t. This is what happens instead:

He apologizes, tells her he’s sorry like six times, says exactly what he does for a living, says he has children, says his wife is cheating on him, says he wasn’t supposed to tell her that (“pay no attention to that man behind the curtain”), says he was supposed to say that she’s the “perfect combination of sexy and cute,” says that’s something he used to say to his wife, but that it’s become corrupted (because Gosling now uses that when he picks up women), talks about how he’s wearing so many clothes that he’s sweating like crazy, says he’s looking at her breasts, and all of these things he’s not supposed to be doing.

I know what you’re thinking. It’s bad, he’s doing what he shouldn’t, but she’ll find his honesty charming, sit back down and have a nice, adult conversation with him. Right? And he’ll realize, “I should have just been myself.” You know what happens instead? Marisa Tomei listens to him saying all these things, first the hurtful, mean things, then the honest, embarrassing things, and after all of that, the only thing she has to say to him is, “You think I’m the perfect combination of sexy and cute?” And then we cut to them going back to his apartment and fucking.

Anyone want to take a croquet mallet and hit me thirty or forty times in the fucking face?

What THE FUCK? Did they seriously put in a scene where a dude makes fun of a woman’s alcoholism, is completely socially inept, says all the wrong things, even tells her he’s looking at her breasts, and then, simply because of one offhanded compliment he says he was “supposed to say,” but doesn’t actually say, she forgets it all and immediately takes him home and fucks his brains out? Do we not see what’s wrong with this? Not only that – as they’re having sex, he’s saying all these terrible things, like, “I’ve only had sex with one woman before,” and “I’m really worried you might have AIDS,” and, instead of her not wanting to sleep with him, she gets excited, especially when he says, “I want to have sex with you and make my wife jealous.” Just – wow.

Then we have a montage of Carell being really successful with women. Because apparently one night of sex can immediately make someone smooth like that. But even so, he’d rather be with his wife. There is one humorous moment when they discover that the son’s teacher (who he said asshole to a bunch) is actually Marisa Tomei. That was well done. She did manage to have the funniest scene in the movie. It actually surprised me. I was like, “Wow, is this going to get better?” It’s like that moment when the prisoner on the chain gang stops, looks up in the sky, and sees the beautiful bird, silhouetted against the clouds, and it’s so beautiful he can’t help but stare at it. And watching that bird flying against the sky, for that one moment, he feels free. And then, THWACK. “Get back to work, motherfucker!”, and he gets hit with a chain. That’s what that scene was like. So I guess the movie’s telling me to get back to work. Yes massa. We go’n back to work now.

There’s another scene after this that just baffles me (notice a trend here? How can one movie make so many questionable decisions at once?). Emma Stone is at a party where she thinks Josh Groban is gonna propose. Instead, he offers her a job at his law firm. She wasn’t expecting this. He tells her he has to think about where they are as a couple before he proposes. She dumps him and walks out on him – why? I don’t fucking know. I guess everyone in this movie is drunk. Which is what I should be, right now, in order to get through this. And she leaves, storms out, goes right to that bar, walks right up to Ryan Gosling (because apparently she knew he was gonna be there), says, “You!”, and comes over and kisses him in the middle of the bar. Why does she do this? I don’t know. Why does she all of a sudden decide,” God-damn! I wanna get fucked!”? I guess this is what women do. That’s what I’m getting out of this movie. Now I know how to treat women.

I guess they sort of explain why she does it, but the way they show it is just wrong. It’s saved by the way Emma Stone plays the ensuing scene. Her and Gosling work really well together. I could do without the Dirty Dancing bit, but whatever. It’s brief.

Then some boring shits happens. Gosling falls in love with Stone, ignores Carell, Carell is now a womanizer, but is also in love with his wife and creepily fixes her garden at night, and then she loves him, but is upset because he fucks a lot of women and she’s only fucking one, and then the babysitter is still in love with Carell and takes naked pictures of herself (she’s supposed to be 17, by the way) to send to him, and basically what happens is, Carell is in Gosling’s situation and Gosling is in Carell’s situation, and the asshole wins and the main character is now sad and alone. Fucking HILARIOUS, right? And to top it off, the movie decides to play the coincidence game. Which, I guess kind of pays off that soap opera joke I made earlier.

What happens is, Gosling calls Carell and tells him that he’s going to meet Emma Stone’s mother. Turns out, Steve Carell and Julianne Moore are Emma Stone’s parents. And here is the movie shooting me in the head as I exit the elevator.

They play it for laughs too. How do I know? Because at that moment, the babysitter’s father (played by the great John Carroll Lynch) comes over and attacks Steve Carell for sleeping with his daughter (because he found the pictures), which he isn’t doing and doesn’t know about the pictures. So, in one moment, we (and Gosling) find out Emma Stone is Carell’s daughter, Carell finds out Gosling is sleeping with his daughter, Carell finds out the babysitter is in love with him, as does his son, which in turn makes Carell realize the son is in love with the babysitter and makes the son pissed off at his father for stealing the woman he loves, and during all of this, Kevin Bacon shows up like, “Hey, what’s up guys?” And Gosling, when he finds out this is the dude that broke up Carell’s marriage, goes and starts beating the shit out of him. And then a big brawl breaks out where all the men are hitting each other. This scene could have been funny with the right tone. Here – not so much. It’s just a huge clusterfuck. (Kudos to Bacon and Gosling for absolutely nailing the proper tone, though.) That’s the main reason none of these coincidences work – the tone is so off. What is up with this movie? I should just start calling it Dan in Real Vag.

Oh, but we’re not done yet. We still have an extra 20 minutes. And, the ever popular SAD MONTAGE! Who doesn’t love a sad montage? As a sad song plays and we see everyone looking upset into the distance. These scenes are how I keep up on what the newest hipster garbage is. It’s like, “What songs are they playing? Don’t know what they are or who sings them? No? Great. Still doing a good job.”

And then there’s the climax. The big graduation scene, which is set up, oh, about three minutes beforehand. Carell’s son graduates (and coincidentally is the valedictorian) and makes the speech (which, why would they let him speak? What kind of asshole lets a kid with that kind of mouth speak in front of the students, faculty and parents?). And everyone from the film is in the audience, and the kid is like, “Love sucks. It doesn’t exist,” and everyone’s like, “Dude, shouldn’t you be quoting from “Oh, the Places You’ll Go”? What page is that on?” “Love is a sham. It’s nothing but a scam. To love I say god damn. I’d much rather listen to Wham!”

So he’s making this speech about love – and none of the faculty stops him, because, I guess they don’t care that he’s diverting from the speech they had to approve (or they did approve what he’s saying, which, what does that say about them? — “Oh, that was Mary Beth in Administration. She’s been lonely for a while.”), and he has to be stopped by Carell, who of course gets up in front of the entire student body and makes his own speech. Which, way to steal your son’s thunder, dickhead! Totally hijacking his moment.

And he’s standing up there, like, “Love does exist. Because I’m in love with your mother, and love doesn’t go away,” and here he is, basically talking to his wife, completely ignoring what his son said and everyone else in the fucking room, recounting the first time he met this woman, and no one is saying anything (they’re all listening and waiting to start the slow clap), meanwhile if this really happened, people would be like, “Tackle him! He’s a terrorist! Why is he doing this to the children?! Oh the humanity!” Then everything gets resolved and there’s that whole tying up of loose ends in the last three minutes.

But wait, there’s still one more thing to address. Because there’s one more terrible, terrible, horrible moment that continues the trend of sending wrong messages to people. This time, it’s to the children. They’re sending very, very not okay messages to our children.

After Carell gives his speech and reaffirms his son’s beliefs (and his own) in love, the son says, “Just kidding, I love you, babysitter!” (Who cares what her name is? If this movie taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need to know their names as long as you have compliments.) And she comes up to him, and he’s like, “Look, I know I’m too young for you now, but, in a few years, I will be old enough. Plus you have a thing for my father, and I’m gonna look like him, so, let me know.” And she, instead of being like, “Yeah, sure,” and laughing him off, says, “That sounds like a plan,” (which I think is exactly what that cunt Jennifer Aniston said at the end of The Switch) and kisses him on the check. But that’s not the worst part though. No, I can buy a 17-year old falling sexually for a 13-year old. The worst part of it all is –

SHE GIVES HIM THE NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF THAT SHE WAS GOING TO GIVE TO HIS FATHER!!!

She, a 17-year old girl, gives, to a 13-year old boy, photos of herself that she took while naked, and tells him, “Here’s something you can use to get through high school.” I swear to god, that’s what she says.

THIS MOVIE IS ADVERTISING THE DISPENSING OF NAKED PICTURES TO UNDERAGE CHILDREN BY OTHER UNDERAGE CHILDREN!

How the fuck was this released in 3,000 theaters? She literally just gave this dude naked pictures of herself (much like her idols on the Disney Channel have done), and basically says, “You can’t fuck me now, but here’s some more stuff you can use to jerk of to until I can fuck you.”

What. The. Fuck. Is. This. Shit.

And that’s how this movie ends, compounding one terrible message with an arguably worse message. From this movie, I’ve learned that women don’t matter, as long as I’m willing to give dick and compliments, I can take whatever I want and get it without any fight, that even though you fuck a lot of women to get back at your wife, as long as you give her compliments it’ll all be okay, and that it’s okay if you’re under 18 to take naked pictures of yourself and give them to even younger people. Schindler’s List has nothing on this fucking movie in terms of a message.

In closing (I was told I should give the movies ratings), I rate this movie: ZERO Fucks.

As in, I do not give One Fuck about this movie. Zero Fucks.

3 responses

  1. BlueFox94

    Just wait, 1967 is coming back for vengence!! :)

    August 9, 2011 at 11:35 am

  2. Good Review! Overall, the film is too conventional for my liking. It needed to be sharper, wittier, and funnier. But for average summer fare, it’s okay. It’s far from perfect and runs on the long side, but rom-com and chick flick lovers will likely be satisfied. Check out my review when you can please!

    August 11, 2011 at 12:17 am

  3. this movie was too cringey. I have no idea how i saw the entire movie.

    March 12, 2018 at 5:49 am

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