2011: Year in Review (The Post-Script)

So we took care of everything that came out. Now — let’s talk about everything that didn’t come out.

That is, everything that either was scheduled and was pushed, or was not scheduled but was in the process of being shot/edited/tinkered with/reshot/shelved/what have you, and still hasn’t been heard from.

First, we start with a shitty Julianne Moore movie. (The only film from the first six months of the year to not come out at all.)


What I said about it back in January:

“Oh, great…Julianne Moore is back doing shitty thrillers! I remember back when The Forgotten came out and I thought, “Boy, I could sure use more of these in my life!” Then she went and did reputable movies for 6 years. But now she’s back! Oh boy!”

“Bonus points for including Jeffrey Jones (a.k.a. Principal Ed Rooney) in the cast. Convicted sex offenders just don’t get all the juicy roles anymore.”

1 star. Maybe.”

…They never released it. Let’s assume that’s because I was right.

One for the Money

What I said about it back in January:

“This is the subtitle to Katherine Heigl’s career.”

“Here is a movie I can almost guarantee you will be shortlisted for (and likely make) the Unforgivables list come January. It has to. It just has to…Because the film stars Katherine Heigl, who is perhaps one of the top five people you can guarantee to make a bad movie.”

“Also, I can guarantee you that whatever “mystery” is, in fact, in this book, will be downplayed for the “comedic” and “romance” angles in the movie. Essentially this will become just another shitty Heigl movie where there’s another one of those “comedy” moments where she has to chase down an evildoer while wearing really expensive heels. You know there will be. She does about as much for feminism as a nice blowjob followed up by a sandwich.”

0 stars. You know how they force retire old executives when they stop being useful? Actually, better yet, do you know how they euthanize pets?”

They bumped this from the summer to 2012. Guess when in 2012? January 27th. Oh yeah. Papa was right ’bout this one.

The Apparition


What I said about it back in January:

“How many “ghost” movies come out in September?”

1 star. 2 is too generous to give.”

This was bumped to late summer 2012. So… basically the same time this was going to be released last year. Yeah… I’m sure that’s a good sign.

Piranha 3DD

What I said about it back in January:

“Here’s one of those movies that was announced as soon as the first one did well. I can’t imagine how they could shoot it that quickly and get it out this year, especially with the shark attack movie already coming out, but, stranger things have happened. This feels like it would be better suited to come out next year, but who am I to ruin a Hollywood franchise when Hollywood is doing an exceptional job of doing that themselves?”

“No word on what this is about, but, if you saw the first one, you have a pretty good idea.”

3 stars. Diminishing returns only counts if there were returns on the first one.”

This was originally scheduled for November 23rd. It would have been up against The Muppets and Hugo. They bumped it. Not because it was gonna go up against those other two, probably because it wasn’t done. It’s not officially scheduled for 2012 yet, but my guess is it’ll be Labor Day (if not Spring Break. It’ll be one or the other).


What I said about it back in January:

“This movie has one thing that makes me extremely excited to see it (directed by David Wain), and one thing that makes me want to avoid it at all costs and just put it on the Unforgivables list right now (Jennifer Aniston).”

“I’ll give anything that Wain does a chance. But did he have to cast Aniston?”

3 stars. +1 (at least) if he can make Aniston tolerable.”

Originally this had an October release date, a la Role Models, but they bumped this to February 24th, 2012. Yeah — that’s gotta be Aniston’s doing. Can’t say I didn’t see this coming.

Red Dawn

What I said about it back in January:

Nothing really. Just that it was a remake of the first one with them killing Chinese people instead of Russians.

This was shelved indefinitely because MGM went bankrupt. It was a 2010 release, pushed until 2011, and now has a 2012 release date. November 2nd. So, basically, two years after it was originally scheduled to come out. All right.

Seeking Justice (Formerly The Hungry Rabbit Jumps)


What I said about it back in January:

“Cage. Pure and simple. Nicolas Cage makes a movie, I’m there. I’m like Tom Joad.”

“The stranger the title, the better.” (They made the title less strange. That can’t be good.)

Four Cage movies in a year was just too good to be true, I guess. After the first two, the other two were buried and dumped. Trespass was put in two theaters and given an immediate VOD release (aka, they didn’t like it, and they just dumped it). This one took the more traditional route of — three title changes, bumped back to the year after, and maybe a 10 theater release, but most likely straight to DVD. Ouch.


What I said about it back in January:

“Here’s a movie I know because it was on the Black List of 2008. And a lot of big talent surrounded it and it got quietly made and no one really talked about it since then. Now it’s ready to come out. So I’m back to being excited about it.”

Not really sure what’s going on with this. It looks like it’s leading to a small-to-wide spring release. March 16th, in fact. (I wrote that first sentence before I even saw the release date. I’m awesome.)


What I said about it back in January:

“This is one of those Soderbergh films he goes off to shoot himself and no one knows anything about. The only reason this made some noise is that he cast an MMA fighter as his lead.”

“This sounds interesting though. Soderbergh usually makes things worthwhile.”

This is getting released in January. January 20th. That’s all, really. It was assumed to be coming out in 2011, and they couldn’t find a late month spot for it. (That or, they didn’t think it would make money and put it in January. Soderbergh films tend to have that happen to them.)

Girls, Guns and Gambling

What I said about it back in January:

“It’s Gary Oldman as Elvis, what did you think was going to happen?”

That’s really the only reason I was interested in it.

I have no idea what happened to this one. I’m sure it’ll wind up on DVD within a year, and I’ll rent it, and it’ll be decidedly mediocre, and the excitement I had for it will have just been me getting worked up over nothing. But hey, I still have this stage.

The Details

What I said about it back in January:

“I know nothing about this movie except that it’s about to enter Sundance, it’s starring Elizabeth Banks, Tobey Maguire, Laura Linney, Ray Liotta, Kerry Washington and Dennis Haysbert, and has this synopsis:

When a family of raccoons discover worms living underneath the sod in Jeff and Nealy’s backyard, this pest problem begins a darkly comic and wild chain reaction of domestic tension, infidelity and murder.

That’s really all I need to check this out. Dark comedies are usually good. Dark comedy indies are usually a little too weird, but we always keep hope alive.”

No idea what happened to this. Probably didn’t get a distributor. It’ll probably be on Netflix within the year.


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