My Favorite Disney Characters (50-1)

Here’s part two of my characters list. 50-1. (You can find 100-51 here.)

I’d like to say, before we get started — I highly recommend everyone attempting to make their own list of favorite Disney characters, because it’s a very enlightening task. Assuming you’ve seen all (or most) of the films (because you can’t really rank the characters without having seen some of the films. Package films are okay, but if you haven’t seen The Sword in the Stone, it’s kind of hard to rank things), you should really give this a go. Because when you think about who these characters are and what you truly like about them that’s not, “Well, it’s Pinocchio, and he’s a big character, and he kind of has to go high,” you really start to see where you truly think the interesting people are.

That said — I was very surprised at how number one turned out. There were a couple surprises for me at the top of the list. I expected the people that ended up in the top five to be high, but — specifically for number one, I thought that character would end up around like, number six. And I would have been really happy with that character ending up at number six. But as I kept ranking people (backwards, remember. I started at 100 and worked toward 1), I realized more and more that I actually liked that character better than everyone else on the list. Which is why I recommend that everyone attempt this, because if you have to actually decide which people you like better — I bet you’re gonna be surprised with your choices.

That said, let’s clear up the suspense. Finish the list.

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50. Alice, from Alice in Wonderland

What I like about Alice is that, from the first moment we see her, her entire attitude is, “Fuck this shit, Imma go daydream.” I like that. I like that she’s like, “Who give a fuck about history? I wanna dream about hookah smoking caterpillars.” She does get a bit, whiny, when she’s in Wonderland — the whole crying bit is a little much for me, but overall, I like how she doesn’t like the formalness of British society. Big fan of that.

– – – – –

49. Mrs. Potts, from Beauty and the Beast

This lady runs shit. Gotta respect the old lady that runs shit. Plus she’s got that great accent, too. Also — she’s got a ten-year-old son. Who was she fucking?

– – – – –

48. Tony, from Lady and the Tramp

What I like about Tony isn’t what’s on the page. On the page — he’s a nice Italian chef who feeds stray dogs and even sings to them. That’s a nice dude. But — what I like about Tony is — this motherfucker is living in a borderline wealthy town. There are some well-to-do people in this town. And he’s seemingly the only immigrant. So this dude had to travel from the old country, showed up here, and built his restaurant from nothing. And now he’s got a successful business, and is still nice enough to feed stray dogs out of the kindness of his heart. And not just bones, either. A full pasta dinner. We need more people like this. Tony’s a good guy.

– – – – –

47. Cheshire Cat, from Alice in Wonderland

Gotta love a cat that can disappear whose only purpose seems to be to fuck with people.

Seriously, that’s all it is. What does he do? Shows up, says some cryptic shit, disappears. And occasionally he opens magic doors in trees and shit. And then later, when he pops up to fuck with the most powerful woman in the land, who chops off people’s heads like it’s nothing, it ain’t even a thing to him. He knows he won’t get caught. I love that. Cheshire Cat don’t give a fuck.

– – – – –

46. Magic Brooms, from Fantasia

The music has a lot to do with it, but — think about it. They ain’t doing anything wrong. They’re doing what they were told to do.

Plus they’re brooms with arms — how awesome is that?

– – – – –

45. Geppetto, from Pinocchio

This man makes a list of top ten kindest souls in Disney. What a nice man. Geppetto is the kind of man who would live in a town and all the kids would run to his shop and he’d put on puppet shows and do voices and entertain them. You know, before it was creepy and everyone got distrustful of those people. He’s the kind old man who only wants to see children be happy. And all he wants is a boy of his own. And through his goodness, he gets it. Look at the scene when he discovers that Pinocchio has come to life. He’s so legitimately happy. You can’t help but feel good for him.

And then when his child is stupid and gets himself into trouble — what does Geppetto do? Closes up his shop and goes to find him. Gets himself caught up in the belly of a whale all out of the love of his child. That’s a good dude, and respect needs to be paid.

– – – – –

44. Bagheera, from The Jungle Book

He’s not the flashy character of the film, but he’s definitely the most sensible. He’s a jungle panther who shows kindness to an orphan boy, and delivers him to a family he knows will care for him as one of their own. And then over the years, even though he doesn’t have to, he watches over the boy, and becomes a friend. And then, when the boy is in danger, he takes it upon himself to bring the boy to safety, because it’s for the boy’s own good. He’s a good man, Bagheera. Not enough people give him credit for that.

– – – – –

43. Sebastian, from The Little Mermaid

He’s a Jamaican crab that makes fuck music.

Do you have a Jamaican crab that makes fuck music?

– – – – –

42. Lilo, from Lilo and Stitch

I like that she’s different from all the other kids. I like that she has a really twisted sense of humor. It’s always fun watching movies where a kid is ostracized from the other kids because they’re “different” and the kid is actually way cooler and more interesting than the other kids. Not like, when they’re actually weird and moody and shit. Like Lilo. She’s the kind of kid who has a doll and is like, “Yeah, he’s got meningitis, I don’t think he’s gonna make it through the month.” That’s a great kid. Because to have that kind of imagination, you need to be smart. So I’m a fan of this little girl. She’s a lot more interesting than most Disney kids.

– – – – –

41. Chernabog, from Fantasia

He’s a fucking demon. Plus “A Night on Bald Mountain” is my favorite segment in Fantasia. Everyone always goes “Sorcerer’s Apprentice.” Not me. I like how scary they made it. It’s a really great segment.

And I like that Chernabog — sure, he’s evil, but it doesn’t seem like he’s that evil. (Even though I know he probably is. This is all just bullshit rationalization just so I can argue the point, but hey, whatever.) He shows up at night while everyone’s sleeping, and then he and his demons have a party. That’s it. And then in the morning he goes to sleep. That’s not so bad. He just wants to have some fun with his demon buddies.

But yeah — I like that he’s this big imposing figure. And with the music behind him — he’s an awesome character.

– – – – –

40. Man, from Bambi

I love that Man is the only Disney character that never appears on screen and makes such a big impact on his story. It’s pretty great. Never once do we see Man, and he’s such an important character that he made the AFI list of top villains of all time.

Mostly I love the fact that they never show him on screen. Because, thinking about it — he’s not really cruel. Because for all we know, they’re people who need the deer meat to survive, which makes Man no worse than a lion or something. That’s not the implication, of course, but I’m saying — it’s not just all we see. Sure, they accidentally set the forest on fire, which is fucked up, but maybe it’s actually an accident. You don’t know. And I like that we don’t actually know what the truth is, but within the lens of this story, Man is a villain. Complexity without complexity.

– – – – –

39. Pocahontas, from Pocahontas

The songs count. That’s a big part of it. This bitch sings “Colors of the Wind.” That counts for a lot.

Plus I like that she’s part of the good Native American culture (since, you know, we only really know it from movies, since, we killed them. So the good culture is the “let’s respect the land and live peacefully,” and the bad is, “Let’s KILL PEOPLE!”), and is also like, “Fuck that shit. Imma go dive off waterfalls.” Free spirits are fun. This bitch talks to a tree. It takes a special kinda person to talk to a tree.

Plus she doesn’t get with the guy at the end. That’s interesting. Disney doesn’t usually pull off that kind of stuff.

– – – – –

38. Alan-a-Dale, from Robin Hood

It’s a minstrel rooster that plays guitar. The only thing better is if he were voiced by Burl Ives.

I love that he has such an original voice, I like that he’s no-nonsense about everything, and I love this one visual gag they do with him where he’s narrating about how they threw everyone in prison, and then we cut to him in prison and he’s like, “That’s right, even me.” He’s like Sam Elliott before Sam Elliott.

How can you not like this guy?

– – – – –

37. Pacha, from The Emperor’s New Groove

I don’t know if I’ve seen a Disney character with a heart as big as this guy’s. (No coronary jokes, please.)

This motherfucker is so goddamn nice it’s alarming. You don’t see that in Disney. I like how nice he is, even though Kuzco is literally going to bulldoze his house and his entire village just to have a house to live in for a couple months in the summer, and doesn’t feel bad about it at all. And this dude actually helps him way beyond any reasonable amount because it’s the right thing to do, and even knowing (up until the end) that even though he’s helping this guy out, he’s still gonna build the summer house. That’s a good guy.

Plus — John Goodman is the voice. John Goodman is awesome.

– – – – –

36. Eeyore, from The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh Winnie the Pooh

Gotta love this depressed fuck. Is there any other character in all of Disney who’s more of a suicide risk?

“Oh, wow. I won the lottery. I’ll probably blow it, or they’ll find out it was a misprint. But I guess I won’t hang myself today. But I bet if I did, the rope would break…”

I feel like one day they’re gonna go up inside Owl’s treehouse and see “Eeyore Was Here” carved up in a fucking branch.

But who doesn’t love Eeyore? (Well, I don’t, I think he’s annoying. But I like that as a construct he’s one push away from blowing his brains out. That’s hilarious to me. But having to listen to this sulky fuck all the time isn’t exactly fun. So I like the concept of him even if I find his bullshit tiresome. It’s like, “Just fucking do it already if you’re so goddamn sad.”)

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35. Aladdin, from Aladdin

I like that he gets the best of both worlds. He knows how to live as a thief, stealing shit to survive, and avoiding government trained guards who love hunting him down, while also being a good dude who has to be a nice person, otherwise Cave Tiger wouldn’t let him enter his mouth. (That came out wrong…)

Plus he gets to fuck Jasmine.

And his best friends are a monkey, a genie and a magic carpet.

And — oh yeah — he gets to FUCK JASMINE.

– – – – –

34. Kuzco, from The Emperor’s New Groove

Casting David Spade for this character was a masterstroke. Brilliant choice. He was perfect for this role.

Kuzco is a dick. And that’s what makes the character amazing. Seriously — master casting, right there.

Just watch the movie. You can’t help but love the guy, just because he’s that much of a dick.

– – – – –

33. Professor Ratigan, from The Great Mouse Detective

It’s Moriarty, played by Vincent Price. The end. Obviously he goes top 50.

Vincent Price makes anything better.

– – – – –

32. Mulan, from Mulan

I love everything about this character. I love how they make her unable to fit into regular society, where women have to do the stupid shit like dressing up like a geisha to find a husband, and that the thought is, if they don’t find a husband, it’s shameful and they’re fucked for life (not in the good way).

I like that she’s like, “Fuck this traditionalist bullshit. I wanna do my thing.” And then she goes off and joins the army. And she does it for the right reasons, too.

Plus “Reflection” is an amazing song.

She’s also not racist in any way, shape or form. I really like that they held back on that front.

– – – – –

31. Judge Frollo, from The Hunchback of Notre Dame

I don’t actually love this character as much as I love the other ones in the top 50. In fact, when watching the film, he’s one that wouldn’t even come close to cracking my top 50. (He’d be like, 65 or something.) But — what I love about this character, which I kept coming back to as I made this list — I love how complex he is.

Because here’s a guy that fucking hates gypsies. And he accidentally fucking kills one on the steps of a church. And then he’s guilted into adopting the woman’s child, which he was about to throw down a well. Which, right there, shows that he sort of respects religion a little bit, since he’s afraid of what the archdeacon can do, and also shows that he’s pure evil, since he raises the child for his own gains.

Then, later on — he really hates Esmerelda. Really wants her captured. And then he sings that song that basically says that he really hates her because he’s attracted to her, and wants to purge himself of these impure thoughts. That’s some complex shit, right there. And I like that he’s probably the most complex Disney villain there is. I really respect that, so much so that, while I wouldn’t put him high on entertainment factor, I have to put him high on that. Because he really is more complex than all other Disney villains. On the page. Not even shit that is hinted at. He’s actually shown as being complex. He fucking sings about it.

Very underrated character, Frollo.

– – – – –

30. Lumière, from Beauty and the Beast

It’s a candlestick based on Maurice Chevalier. Hello, Disney? You win.

Seriously, though — this motherfucker is amazing. He’s French, he’s sarcastic, he sings, he’s a good dude — and he’s FUCKING THE MAID! How great is that? It’s one of the most overt references to fucking I’ve ever seen in Disney.

I fucking love this guy.

– – – – –

29. The Emperor of China, from Mulan

What a fucking badass this guy is. You don’t really see it early in the film, but you kinda do. The first scene is the mini-assault on the Great Wall and Shan Yu being like, “Oh I’m comin’ for you motherfuckers.” And then they go see the Emperor (voiced by Pat Morita, which makes it even better), who is like, “Fuck protecting me, protect the people,” which makes him great right there.

Then, at the end of the film, Shan Yu goes and takes him hostage, and he’s all like, “Fuck y’all motherfuckers, I’ve seen everything but Jesus no way.” And Shan Yu’s about to cut his fucking head off, and Li Shang shows up out of nowhere, and the Emperor just walks away. It’s a badass shot, because either he knew Li Shang was going to show up at that exact moment, or he was going to just walk away anyway as Shan Yu was going to stab him. That’s badass.

And then afterwards, when Mulan has saved everyone, everyone’s wondering what to do, since here’s a woman who did shit a woman’s not supposed to do, and he bows to her and all that, and is like — it’s like that meme — “Mulan, you fucked all the shit up! … But it was awesome.”

And then Mulan goes back home and he turns into the wise man, and goes to Li Shang like, “You know you wanna go fuck her, but you’re having a crisis of conscience. Maybe you should go fuck her,” but all cryptic and shit. And then he just puts on his hat like, “Emperor out,” and just walks away.

Just walks away. This guy is a fucking badass. You don’t get too many badasses like this in Disney.

– – – – –

28. Gaston, from Beauty and the Beast

When he was a lad, he ate four dozen eggs every morning to help him get large.

Now that he’s grown, he eats five dozen eggs, and he’s roughly the size of a barge.

– – – – –

27. Merlin, from The Sword in the Stone

How can you not love Merlin? A great wizard (well, for the most part. He fucks up sometimes, but mostly he’s right about shit and doesn’t get enough credit for it), and eccentric as shit.

I love how he’s all like, “Fuck this knight shit. Learn shit. I know shit they ain’t gonna know for 400 years, motherfucker.” And he’s got a talking bird. That’s awesome.

I love everything about Merlin. He’s such a great character.

– – – – –

26. Jasmine, from Aladdin

One of the few Disney princesses who has an opinion and mostly holds her own. She’s not too physical, but she does do a solid job of not being a damsel in distress. (And if she is, she has damn good reason to be.)

I like that she’s like, “Fuck history and fuck the future of this kingdom. I’m marrying who I want.” Which I like. Since she should have that choice. (Even though it’s fucked up that her father is always like, “Marry some prince, marry some prince! … oh, wait, the movie’s almost over. Marry who you want!”)

I also like how she’s flexible about shit. Like when she almost gets arrested for stealing and Aladdin pretends she’s his crazy sister, and she just goes along with it and acts crazy. You have to respect a girl who goes right into it like that without a word.

And then later, she’s able to see through the prince veneer and tell it’s Aladdin. She’s a great character. And she’s ethnic. Which is pretty awesome.

– – – – –

25. Scat Cat and the Jazz Cats, from The Aristocats

I’m sorry — watch this scene and tell me these aren’t some of the greatest Disney characters of all time.

Wouldn’t you want to hang around a bunch of cats that just played jazz all day?

These motherfuckers know where it’s at.

– – – – –

24. Maximus, from Tangled

I love when animals have personality.

This animal happens to have more personality than most other Disney characters.

Think about it — he’s a good solider. He works for the palace guards, and for all he knows, he’s tracking down a fugitive who stole the princess’s tiara. You can’t fault him for that. And he does better than all the soldiers of the kingdom, too. He doesn’t give up, and he even finds Flynn when no one else can.

Then he hears Rapunzel’s story, and can’t help but want to help her, so he agrees to put aside his differences with Flynn for the time being while helping her do what she wants, and then they’ll continue their quarrel. That’s the kind of shit you’d see with a human character.

Plus him and Flynn have such a great relationship. Watch the moment where Rapunzel makes them shake hands and play fair, and then when she smiles and walks away, he punches Flynn in the fucking kidneys. When you see that, how can you not immediately put him as one of the best Disney characters ever?

And then you see him and Flynn learn to respect one another, since they realize neither is exactly what they seem to be. And there’s that great moment where he wiggles his eyebrows at Flynn like, “Oh, you like her huh? Huh?” That’s pretty great.”

And then you get that moment where he breaks Flynn out of prison, which is a complete character arc for this character, who is a fucking horse.

Plus, look at that picture up there — he has a fucking sword fight!!

There’s no way I couldn’t put him top 25. He’s too awesome to not.

– – – – –

23. Jafar, from Aladdin

Badass villain, Jafar. He’s not particularly entertaining, but as a villain he’s really well-drawn. He’s the corrupt advisor who secretly wants to take over shit, and he has this whole hidden agenda, and he does a great job going about it. And — I don’t know. There’s just something about Jafar that really works as a character. I can’t explain it, but when you watch it — he’s one of the most well-rounded Disney villains out there. And by the end, you’re legitimately worried that, “Shit, this motherfucker might not be able to be stopped.”

And in a way — he isn’t stopped. They just contain him. That’s a good villain, when you can’t kill them, you can only contain them. I’m a big fan of him, even if I like some people more that I ranked below him purely on entertainment value. But there’s something to be said for a really great villain, and I felt I should show him that respect.

– – – – –

22. Belle, from Beauty and the Beast

How can you not love Belle? She’s one of the best Disney princesses out there. Actually, I’m pretty sure I only ranked two others ahead of her.

I love that she works on a farm, for one. She might not do as much physical labor as some other Disney heroines, but she definitely does something, and I like that. I don’t like when they’re all spoiled and rich. Here’s a girl that is poor and has dreams of being rich and gets them. She’s not secretly a princess or anything, she’s just so good that a prince says, “Yeah, this girl is awesome.” I like that better than, “Oh, I’m a princess, but I don’t know it/some evil person is pretending like I’m not, and, oh, look, a prince wants to fuck me. I’ll sing a song and live happily ever after.” That’s not as interesting to me.

Plus I like that Belle hates where she lives. She hates how provincial the people are. How all they know or care about is the shit that goes on in their little town in the middle of nowhere, and have no education or dreams of anything better. (Obviously this strikes a personal chord, but even so, it’s nice.) And I like that she stands up to shit — she tells Gaston to go fuck himself, she tells off the Beast, who can actually fucking rip her throat out if he wants. There’s that scene where he saves her from the wolves, and she’s applying the bandages to him, and he’s like, “That hurts!” and instead of backing down, she’s like, “Well maybe if you weren’t acting like such a pussy, it wouldn’t!” To the point where even Beast is like, “Damn, this bitch has some claws.” I like that.

Plus, she’s just an all-around good person. She’s not good just because she’s pretty. She’s just a good person. And she sings those songs, which I factor into it. So she totally belongs here on my list. She ain’t no housewife like Snow White.

– – – – –

21. Tigger, from The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh Winnie the Pooh

Tigger please.

You know the wonderful thing about Tiggers, right?

Seriously, how can you not love Tigger? He’s a giant ball of fucking ADHD.

I can only take him in small doses, and I struggled putting him this high, since I don’t really like him and find him kind of annoying. But I realized — hey, I don’t have to hang out with him. If I did, I’d have shanked his ass within ten minutes. But when I think about him — he’s Tigger. And I love Tigger. He means well. That’s what also factored into it. Despite everything, he means well.

And we can always get him some medication.

– – – – –

20. Archimedes, from The Sword in the Stone

He’s kind of uptight, but on the whole, he’s a great character.

Watch this scene and tell me that’s not amazing:

– – – – –

19. Captain Hook, from Peter Pan

He’s Captain Hook. I’m sorry, if you need any more than this, just stop reading.

– – – – –

18. Scar, from The Lion King

Don’t even act like you don’t love Scar. Everything about this lion is incredible.

And I know you’ve seen the film, so you know exactly what I’m talking about and agree completely.

I don’t need justification here. It’s your fault if you don’t know what I’m talking about.

– – – – –

17. Baloo, from The Jungle Book

I love how carefree he is. What does Bagheera call him? A ‘jungle bum’? That’s great.

His motto is “The Bare Necessities,” which automatically puts him high on the list.

Then, there’s that great moment at King Louie’s, where Bagheera is like, “Let’s formulate a plan,” and Baloo is like, “Damn, man — that is a nice beat.” And just sort of dances off and wings it.

He’s just a great, fun character. He’s like your fun uncle. And then he goes and fights Shere Khan for Mowgli. So he shows that not only does he have a big heart and is willing to fight for his friends, he also shows he can fucking fight, too. He’s fighting a motherfucker that kills people like him for fun. And he don’t care, since you gotta do what you gotta do.

There’s no way I can’t put him top 20.

– – – – –

16. The Headless Horseman, from The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad

It’s the Headless Horseman. The end.

Also, watch this segment and tell me this character isn’t fucking amazing. First, we got the song about how terrifying he is, then watch this. The sounds, the introduction — this motherfucker is scary as shit!

The only reason he’s not top 15 is that he doesn’t really have character development. But the fact that he doesn’t even need it puts him this high.

– – – – –

15. The Mad Hatter, from Alice in Wonderland

No justification necessary. It’s the Mad Hatter, and he’s voiced by Ed Wynn. I couldn’t not put him here. He’s just great. The man’s so batshit the laws of physics don’t apply to him.

– – – – –

14. Wendy Darling, from Peter Pan

I knew I liked her the moment her mother told her she had to grow up and she was like, “I don’t want to grow up.” That’s like, my life motto. Who says I need to grow up?

Plus I like how she’s very sensible throughout the whole story. She doesn’t want to grow up, yet is mature. Since an immature person would stay with Peter in Never Land and probably be miserable, since he’s such a huge dick.

She doesn’t have too much to do in this film, but honestly, her not wanting to grow up automatically puts her here in my eyes. I can love her for more reasons than what’s just on screen. To me, she represents a whole lot more than that.

– – – – –

13. Jiminy Cricket, from Pinocchio

Come on. He’s a fucking conscience!

Also — this alone puts him here:

– – – – –

12. Hades, from Hercules

Oh, how fucking awesome is Hades? James Woods’ performance here is one of the best Disney voiceover performances of all time.

I don’t even need to say anything here as justification, since the performance is the justification.

Put it this way — watch Hercules and then come back to me and tell me Hades isn’t a top 25’er for all time.

Then we’ll talk.

– – – – –

11. Yen Sid, from Fantasia

What a badass wizard. He sits there, making butterflies and shit for fun. And then he’s so much of a badass that his apprentice could literally almost flood the place and fuck everything up, and then he can wake up from sleep and be like, “Get the fuck out of here, water!” and it does.

And then he’s nice enough to not really reprimand Mickey. That’s pretty zen of him.

But honestly — it’s Yen Sid. How can he not go this high?

– – – – –

10. Rapunzel, from Tangled

I made this well known when I wrote up the film — I love this character. I really, really do. There are certain things that always work for me with female characters, and it’s when they’re just excited. Legitimately excited about stuff. That kind of excitement you have when you’re five and you have one of those Spielberg moments where you see something extraordinary, and you’re just like, “Wooowwwwww.”

I love that Rapunzel experiences all this shit for the first time and is so excited about it. Because none of us ever have that experience about things. We take all that shit for granted. But is there nothing better than just feeling the touch of grass on your bare feet? Just stepping on a nice patch of grass (and I mean a nice one. Not one of those city ones where it’s all flat and the dirt is hard. I mean the kind of grass you can walk around on and not even notice it). It’s amazing. And I like that she appropriately appreciates that kind of stuff. Plus she’s just a fun character.

Other people might not agree with me on this one, but fuck you, it’s my list. She’s top ten.

– – – – –

9. Winnie the Pooh, from The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh Winnie the Pooh

Yes.

– – – – –

8. Mufasa, from The Lion King

James Earl Jones, as a lion.

Mufasa.

I’m sorry, I can’t believe I had to go that far. Shouldn’t the name Mufasa and the picture of him be enough to justify him being #8?

It’s fucking Mufasa.

– – – – –

7. Maleficent, from Sleeping Beauty

Oh this bitch is great. She doesn’t do all that much in the film, and it’s kind of weird that she obsesses over finding Aurora for 16 years and doesn’t really do all that much on her own to find her, but just the look of Maleficent, and her aura. She just exudes evil. But like, cool evil. She just kind of waltzes into the palace, knowing no one can do anything about it.

I just like how she’s designed. She makes some questionable decisions throughout the film. But the purple in her robes, and how she’s so stoic and calm most of the time — I really like her. I had her top five for a while, but I felt top ten was good.

I don’t know. I just watch that movie and go, “That’s a great character.” I can’t completely explain why I put her here, yet to me, it just makes perfect sense.

– – – – –

6. The Girl Squirrel, from The Sword in the Stone

I was shocked she went this high.

I gushed over the character when I wrote the article, but I never expected she’d make it this far. I thought this was going to be one of those where I was like, “Well, I like the character, so I’ll make sure to put it top 25, just to really point out how well they drew her up,” and then the top 25 came, and I kept looking at her and was like, “Nope. Like her better than that person. And that person.” And she ened up here.

To quickly reiterate why I love this character — I like how simple it is. She’s a girl squirrel, who sees a boy squirrel, and falls in love. Simple. She likes a guy. And she’s not shy about pursuing him. That’s a nice touch, since in Disney, it’s always about the princesses not talking to a guy and all that. I hate that. Even in life. Fuck that shit. You like someone, go the fuck up and talk to them. Do something. If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a merry Christmas. So I like that she’s like, “Oh, I like this one.”

Then, she goes and pursues him, and through no fault of her own, he wants nothing to do with her. (Because he’s actually Arthur, and is a human. Which is strange to me, since you’d think that by simply turning into a squirrel, you’d act like a squirrel. In The Princess and the Frog, they eat flies. They have the urge to eat the way frogs eat. So why doesn’t Arthur have feelings for the girl squirrel?)

And he avoids her, and she won’t be denied. Which is awesome. She knows what she wants, and she’s gonna get it.

And then he turns back into a human, and right there, she becomes more three-dimensional than most Disney characters. (Princesses even.) Merlin explains that when a squirrel picks a mate, that’s the mate they pick for life. So she picks Arthur. And then he turns into a human. And naturally she feels terrible, since she’s been, in a way, duped. And not only that — she picked him! So now she’s doomed to a life of being unfulfilled. She won’t love another squirrel the way she loved that squirrel. The rest of her life is fucked just because Merlin and Arthur decided to become squirrels for whatever the fuck reason.

Oh, and did I also mention — she takes on a fucking wolf to save him from being killed!

Every way I look at this character makes me feel she belongs here. I’d love to even put her top five, but — competition is fierce. Top six is already enough to make people take note of her. That’s enough for me.

– – – – –

5. Rafiki, The Lion King

Asante sana Squash banana, wewe nugu mimi hapana.

What a badass mandrill Rafiki is.

This dude is actually the best character in The Lion King.

Another one I don’t need to explain. You just watch him and it’s impossible to not want to make him top 20.

The moment that really sealed it for me is when Simba has that vision of Mufasa in the clouds, and it’s this big moment, and then afterwards, Rafiki is like, “What the fuck was that?!”

Seriously — there’s no way he couldn’t be top five.

– – – – –

4. Cinderella, from Cinderella

She gets a slight bump because she’s a Disney princess. (From #5, I mean.)

What I like about her is — she’s a princess, but her father dies, and then she’s reduced to a common house servant. This is through no fault of her own. And she never complains, and even adopts this station in life. That’s just what it is. Though she never loses all those qualities that make her a princess. She’s always kind, and she’s never cruel — and she has to put in work. They fucking torture her there.

And “A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes” — what a beautiful song. I like that she never really has any specific dreams (right?). I mean, she probably is dreaming of a prince and a fairy tale ending and all that, but it’s not exactly “Some Day My Prince Will Come,” is it? You get the sense with Cinderella that it’s about more than just a prince. Snow White — you don’t even think she’s that miserable doing what she’s doing. Here, you know, her dreams are about getting the fuck out of where she is.

And I like that her entire story is — she doesn’t want much. She just wants one day of happiness. She doesn’t need anything more than, “Oh please, let me wear a nice dress and go to the palace and have this one night, and I won’t say another word about anything ever again.” (It’s like Quasimodo.) Just give me a one day reprieve from this suffering and that will last me forever, because I can use that to dream about.

And then her dream comes true, and it comes true beyond her wildest imagination. I love that part especially. She only wants to go, and she gets so much more than that. I like the implication that good things happen to good people. Everything about this character makes me happy, and she is by far my favorite Disney princess for all those reasons.

– – – – –

3. Genie, from Aladdin

At first I thought he was gonna end up like, 22, or at best, like 17. Because in my mind, Genie was always a character where I was like, “Yeah, he’s nice, but — it’s too much Robin Williams. He’s just doing his schtick, and it takes over the film.”

But when I rewatched the film, I realized — it totally works. It really does. I don’t even question half the shit he says being totally anachronous. I don’t. A Nicholson impression? Don’t even mind it. Because it’s just fun. And, in a way, you can explain his schtick by saying — “Well, he was trapped in a lamp for a thousand years. You would go kind of crazy too.”

He’s just a fun character, and he’s really likable. It’s impossible not to love Genie. And honestly, despite me thinking he wasn’t a great character — he totally is. Even now, as I went back to this list to write up these comments, I was like, “#3? Really?” and then I realized, “Well, I went in not really wanting to put him that high and did, so he probably earned it.”

And the more I think about it — he actually did.

– – – – –

2. Megara, from Hercules

Oh, I love this chick.

My favorite Disney heroine of all time. Of all the girls that end up with the guys (sexually, I mean), she’s the best.

Because she’s real. She has a backstory, and I like that we don’t find it out immediately. I like that she’s sarcastic. I like that she can take care of herself. I like that she’s the closest thing to a screwball character as I’ve ever seen.

And by that I mean — if you were to take every Disney character, and see which ones would fit really well in a 30s/40s screwball comedy (a Hawks or a Wilder or something. Which — those are my heroes, and those are the types of characters I like to write best) — she’s really one of the only ones that could pull it off, and is the one who could pull it off best.

I fucking love this chick, and I can’t even pretend like I wouldn’t put her in the top two every single time I made this list. I just can’t.

Plus, “I Won’t Say (I’m in Love)” is a fucking great song.

– – – – –

1. Tinker Bell, from Peter Pan

I thought she was gonna be #6. I really did. I didn’t think too much about this list for a while, and I figured these people who weren’t main characters were gonna end up not making the top five because they weren’t the “main” characters. And I would have been really happy with her being #6.

But as I went through and pulled people off, I realized — I don’t like anyone better than I like her. I just don’t.

To me, this character is absolutely perfect. And she never speaks a word!

The first time we see her, she’s with Peter. He’s looking around for his shadow. And she’s looking around too, and then stops and looks in a mirror, like, “Wow, is that what my ass looks like?” and actually is like, “Holy shit, I’ve got a big ass!” (Like that’s a bad thing.)

And then she gets stuck in the drawer because of her ass, which is pretty funny. But, what really endeared me to her was that — when it becomes obvious that Peter likes Wendy, that’s when Tink pulls out the claws.

First, let me say — I love the dynamic between Tink and Peter because — you immediately know what their relationship is without any words. She loves him, and he’s sort of comfortable around here even though it’s clear they could never be together because he’s a person and she’s tiny. But we know she loves him and wishes she could be with him. And since there really aren’t any other women like him around (he can’t fuck the mermaids), she sort of acts like he’s all hers. So now Wendy is in the picture, and Tink isn’t happy. Her fantasy is being destroyed. (Plus, I’m sure you remember my whole thing in the previous article about Peg from Lady and the Tramp reminding me of a specific type of movie character. Tinker Bell is almost the exact same thing!)

So what does Tink do? She fucking yanks on Wendy’s hair. Really violently. (When she thinks she’s gonna kiss Peter.) It’s great. She gets vindictive as hell. And obviously it’s a bit of an overreaction. But how many Disney characters have claws like this?

And then she goes to kill her, which, all right, is a bit much. But afterwards, when Wendy ends up okay and everyone’s like, “Well Tink told us to kill her,” and Peter is like, “Tink, did you do this?” And she just is like, “Yeah, I did it, whatever. I don’t give a fuck,” and struts away (the picture is up there). Right there, there was no way she wasn’t going to be my favorite Disney character ever.

I like that she doesn’t give a fuck. I like everything about her. Plus, even at the end, Peter realizes the reason she’s acted like that is because he treated her like shit and they reconcile. That’s really sweet.

And also, she turns red when she’s mad. That’s awesome.

Seriously, this chick is amazing. Easy #1.

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3 responses

  1. Fina

    Boo u forgot snow white

    March 5, 2014 at 1:23 pm

  2. One message for the squirrel: it was not Arthur’s fault. The squirrel was so single-minded in her pursuit of him that she wasn’t listening to his pleas. And frankly, I’m not surprised the “romance didn’t work out.

    December 15, 2014 at 4:03 pm

  3. Torgo25

    Alice is my all-time favorite Disney heroine. She’s so charming and adorable, and Kathryn Beaumont portrayed her perfectly. Also, her bloomers (long frilly underwear) are very cute, and I just love the way her dress poofs up like a parachute. I love the part where she flips over as she waves goodbye to Dinah. And “In a World of My Own” is a very beautiful song I could listen to all day.

    November 6, 2017 at 1:12 pm

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