Ranking the Bond Girls

Today we rank the Bond Girls. A huge staple of the franchise, obviously this was gonna happen at some point.

Though there are a lot of specifications when it comes to Bond Girls. First, who counts? Technically any female who is in a Bond movie is considered a Bond Girl, even if they’re in one scene. Shit, Rosa Klebb could be considered a Bond Girl, by the way people throw around that term. I try to hold them to higher standards. Typically, a Bond Girl is a chick that Bond has some sort of sexual relationship with, good or bad. Now, there are the primary Bond Girls for each film (one film is generally regarded as having two), and then there are the rest. So the way we’re doing this is — first we’re gonna rank the primary ones, since they’re a set list. We’ll just pick which ones we like best, and that’ll be that. It’ll be based on anything — mostly their role as a Bond Girl, how they function within the plot, whether we like the character, if they’re completely useless or not — that sort of stuff. Their attractiveness won’t really factor into it, as I’ll explain in a second. Then the second list will be a list of our twenty-five favorite other Bond Girls, who are not the primary ones.

Then, since we should factor in how hot some of these chicks are, we created a base list of all the women in the franchise who can vaguely be considered a Bond Girl, and we went and ranked which ones we considered the hottest. First we voted on their personalities, now it’s completely superficial. Because sometimes you just want to appreciate a Bond Girl for simply having nice tits. Because that’s all some can offer to a plot.

So those are gonna be today’s lists. The pictures will be especially choice.

Ranking the Bond Girls

24. Severine (Skyfall) (temporarily)

On looks alone, she’ll go far. I’m hoping for a great Bond Girl, but am expecting (again, this is knowing nothing about the film except the trailer) her to be high (or low, depending on how you’re looking at the list) teens as a base figure. We’ll take everything else from there once I see the film.

So, now that we’ve both seen this film, she gets ranked, and I put her at #5 overall, just behind Domino. Honestly, for sheer looks, I don’t think I like anyone better. She’s probably my ideal Bond girl. In fact, the acting, her looks and her scenes are so good for me that I don’t care that she doesn’t get enough screen time. And every time we see her it’s in some amazing location. Think about it, we see her basically six (sort of seven) times, and every one of them is awesome — at the meeting in Shanghai across the way from Bond and Patrice, at the gorgeous casino in Macau, where she gets her best scene, in her cabin on the yacht where we see her hair disheveled and her in a sexy ass robe, shower sex with Bond, on the deck of the yacht, coming into Hashima and then when she’s brought out by Silva’s men. Every single one of those scenes takes place in a fantastic setting and she looks stunning every time. I’m putting her at #5 in spite of the fact we don’t see enough of her. I love this Bond girl, and her end was, in a way, more unfortunate than the Aston Martin’s. In fact, I should say that I am to Severine as Mike is to Solitaire; you’re lucky she’s only going as high as fifth. 

23. Stacey Sutton (A View to a Kill)

She’s here because she’s the most useless Bond Girl. She’s the granddaughter of an oil tycoon,and her father took over the business. So she’s from money, and hasn’t had to work a day in her life. She took fucking earth science as a major in college. Come on, now. Her father died (is it implied that Zorin killed him? I forget. I think he just died), and the company was bought by Zorin, who cut her a $5 million check for her shares (and to buy her off because she knows some shit). Apparently she’s not happy about that. I don’t know why — she lives on an estate (a nice estate), probably pays no mortgage on it, and will have $5 million (in 1985. That’s worth like, double that now) to live off of. And she’s also the daughter of an oil empire — if she’s smart, there’s no way she can’t turn that into a position somewhere else or make some good investments to set her up for life.

TokyoRemix:

Wow, apparently $5 million in 1985 is around $10.2 million in 2011 terms. Good guess. 

That said — she’s totally useless. She’s working as a geologist for the state and found out about Zorin. So basically she’s in a perfect position to take the money and go away. Only, Zorin keeps trying to have her killed, which is either because he never intended for her to cash the check or because he knows she won’t let it drop. Either way — useless. I think it’s the fact that she comes from money that makes her seem so ridiculous. Bitch, just be rich. Why you working as a geologist? And then Bond shows up — by the way, we don’t meet her until about 45 minutes from the end of the movie (we see her earlier, briefly, but we don’t actually meet her until over an hour in) — and she can’t do anything herself.

I mean, she does have a shotgun because she knows people are trying to kill her, but it’s full of fucking rock salt. That’s one of those good, then bad, things. I have a shotgun… full of rock salt. What, are you trying to ward off some ‘coons and coyotes? (Don’t answer that. Whatever you say will be racist.) She seems like she can ward off one attacker (and probably has been for a few days), but then Bond shows up and she’s all like, “Oh, I can’t do anything, sleep next to my bed all night so I’m safe.” And then she actually does nothing throughout the rest of the film. They go to City Hall, and then she just sort of tags along for everything. She exists to be kidnapped at the end of the movie. Which — she gets kidnapped by a fucking airship!

HOW DO YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE KIDNAPPED BY AN AIRSHIP FROM THE GROUND????

TokyoRemix:

I honestly think even Helen Keller would have felt that telltale whoosh of air coming and groped at her surroundings until she found somewhere to hide that wasn’t in the middle of a clearing large enough for a fucking blimp drive-by.

She serves no purpose, shows up way too late for us to accept her seriously as a Bond Girl, and her mother was younger than Roger Moore at the time. It’s bad all around. The basic premise for the character could work, but it doesn’t, and again — too late in the film, nothing to do. She’s not bad looking, it’s just — of all the Bond Girls, she’s the most useless to the film and to the plot. I think TokyoRemix pointed out in the View to a Kill article that Bond actually could have left her behind after City Hall and it would have changed nothing. That’s a useless Bond Girl.

22. Holly Goodhead (Moonraker)

The only reason she’s not #23 is because she’s a trained astronaut. Anyone who made it through NASA isn’t totally useless. And honestly, the only real drawbacks to her as a character are her subpar acting skills and the writing. Well, I guess performance is more the word. I don’t want to call her a bad actress after one performance, but — the performance isn’t very good.

I’m not always a huge fan of when Bond Girls are “lesbians.” The best Bond Girls are ones that either want sex (Tatiana Romanova), are willing to have/use sex to their advantage (Tiffany Case) or ones that clearly are available for sex (most of them). The “lesbians” just don’t ring true for me, because you know he’s gonna fuck them. And the “turn” of them not wanting to fuck and suddenly fucking him never works for me because this is a franchise that’s not exactly built on three-dimensional characters, especially female characters.

So Goodhead is working at Drax industries and is like, “Bond, you’re an asshole, I’m not gonna fuck you.” She has a pretty good opening exchange where he’s like, “A female astronaut? Ha!” and she’s like, “Well you and your people lost a fucking space shuttle, so who’s the asshole?” But then she continues with it, for no reason. She keeps being like, “I’m not gonna fuck you!”, and that’s basically her entire character for most of the film. And then the space shit happens, and she uses her skills to help out there, which basically makes her seem like a Bond Girl who exists just so Bond can not have to randomly know how to fly a spaceship. The downside is that they give her such horrible dialogue. The entire exchange about the radar jammer is so fucking ridiculous. And then later, Bond’s like, “Where do you think the radar jammer is?” and she actually says, “Well, we came from that way, let’s check this way!”

I don’t care that she vaguely reminds me of Lauren Bacall — she’s totally useless and gives a bad performance. I can’t imagine anyone not putting her in the bottom three Bond Girls of all time.

TokyoRemix:

It’s actually BECAUSE she vaguely reminds me of Laurent Bacall that I dislike her this much. It’s like getting someone who looks like Humphrey Bogart and acts like Chris Kattan. Okay, sure, she’s an astronaut and she insists on pulling the lesbian card. She also dresses in extremely feminine clothing for the majority of the film. None of the Pussy Galore pants. What an awful performance this was. We all know the real love story of this film was between Jaws and…Bond.

21. Kara Milovy (The Living Daylights)

To be fair — I kind of like Kara. But that’s also the equivalent of me being like, “I kind of like A View to a Kill.” I think we’re all aware of where that film sits within the canon despite me saying that.

My thing with Kara is — she’s not a bad character, it’s just — who is she and what does she do? The set up — she’s the girlfriend of a Russian general. General Koskov. He’s defecting. But not really. His plan is to fake defect and then get “abducted” back so he doesn’t have to give up any information and can be a free agent and go to work for Brad Whitaker, who is playing both sides against each other because he loves war. But he doesn’t tell Kara this. He doesn’t really love her, even though she loves him, and he uses her as bait. He has Bond be a sniper to cover him in case anyone tries to kill him. And he sets her up to pretend to be a counter-sniper to make the whole thing look legitimate. He figures Bond will see her and kill her and he won’t have to deal with her anymore. And she goes along with it because she’s in love with him. Only it’s pretty clear that she doesn’t know what she’s doing, so Bond just shoots the rifle to scare her.

Then, later, Bond goes to look into her, because she’s the only lead once Koskov is gone. And we see that she’s really in love with Koskov, and that he clearly doesn’t give a shit about her and she doesn’t realize it. So, on that level, I like the character. I like that idea, as a writer and as a film fan. But, her actual character — she’s a cellist who wants to be able to play all over the world, which she can’t do because she lives in the Soviet Union. And then Bond comes, posing as Koskov’s friend and basically gets her to fall in love with him. But then she turns on him because Koskov comes back, but then Koskov reveals he doesn’t care about her and she ends up with Bond. It’s not a bad character, it’s just — she’s not that interesting. Plus I don’t like how they turned all her scenes with Bond into a romance movie. This is one of those rankings where I could put her a spot higher, but the fact that the person above her accomplished something as a person makes me leave her here.

TokyoRemix:

Kara is without doubt the worst Russian Bond girl. Think about her competition. Tanya, Anya, Natalya, basically. And they’re all top notch.

20. Octopussy (Octopussy)

Another pretty useless Bond Girl. Her backstory is something like — her father was a spy against the British, and was caught. And then Bond helped delay his execution long enough for him to kill himself before that could happen. I believe is the point. But she then became a jewel thief and started an octopus cult and a circus, and now she’s basically a wealthy entrepreneur. Which is fine. The fact that she as a character managed to do all this stuff on her own is respectable. That’s why she goes here.

She also goes here because she’s totally useless and does nothing in the film. We don’t meet her until about halfway through, and she basically just lives in luxury and just sort of sleeps with Bond, talks to him, and then becomes part of the plot. She ultimately does nothing. She’s just some rich bitch Bond makes friends with and fucks.

And aside from being useless, they cast Maude Adams, who was pushing 40 at the time (and it showed) and didn’t look as good as she did in The Man with the Golden Gun almost a decade earlier (which still wasn’t that great comparative to the rest of the Bond girls, not to take anything away from her looks). So here’s a Bond girl who isn’t that attractive, is up against a 56 year old Roger Moore, in a lifeless film, with no real relevance to the plot and no character development — honestly all she has going for her is her name. But since she’s not a cellist who wants to do shit and expects to get help in doing it from the people she fucks, she at least started her own business and does shit (aside from action shit, since Bond ultimately does need to help her) on her own. So that’s something, I guess. And again, the name is pretty classic. So she gets the Die Another Day spot — “You do some good things, but ultimately, you’re still not that great.”

TokyoRemix:

Nothing to say about her, because I find this film so fucking awful I don’t want to think about it ever again.

19. Jinx Johnson (Die Another Day)

I never liked this character. And because she got a big press push, everyone started calling her one of the best Bond Girls ever. I laugh at those people. It’s ridiculous to even think she makes the top half of the list of the best Bond Girls of all time.

Think about this — she’s an NSA agent (Nice Sexy Ass) who is also looking into the same people Bond is looking into. We see her in Cuba (where they completely rip off the Ursula Andress shot from Dr. No, so anyone who wants to claim that the image up there is a classic shot can kiss my dick. Also, she’s about as graceful as a porpoise serving stuffed mushroom caps at a debutante ball. You see sexy in that shot, I see completely fucking ridiculous), and she immediately fucks Bond. No messing around, she fucks him. Graphically, too. We actually see her climax. Then the next day she goes to this medical facility which is doing some shady shit, shoots the doctor running it and breaks out. Then she escapes police by diving off a cliff in a bikini, which is so clearly CGI’d it’s not even remotely interesting to see.

TokyoRemix:

Oh, hey, porpoise. I was trying to think of what beloved marine mammals the Japanese don’t eat. Yet.

Then she shows up later at Grave/Moon’s ice palace. She sneaks around and gets captured and Bond has to save her. Then she gets captured again and they almost kill again (and basically do, for a few seconds) her and Bond saves her. Then they go on a plane and she has a sword fight with Miranda Frost and manages to kill her. Then she fucks Bond. That’s all she does.

So anyone about to claim that she’s a kick ass Bond Girl who does some shit — arguably she’s worse than most Bond girls because she actually can’t do anything herself. The first scene, I’ll give you — she shoots that doctor. She could be competent. But then she misses Zao, despite having a clear shot at him. And then from then on, she does nothing and fucks up everything she does and Bond has to save her. And then they try to make it better by having her kill the Villain Chick, only — she’s so woefully outmatched in that scene it’s ridiculous. She’s fighting a world-champion fencer. The fact that she doesn’t die is a miracle. So that’s really the one semi-competent thing she gets to do. I get that she’s sort of portrayed as a competent Bond Girl, but that’s only in presentation. In practice, she’s actually pretty useless and ends up looking pretty good purely because her boss comes off looking like he fucked up and because she’s with Bond, who did all the shit, and she’ll get credit for it from her country.

TokyoRemix:

I thought the final fight between her and Frost was ludicrous. A world-class fencer against this random CIA agent? It was silly enough when Bond was a badass swordsman, but Halle Berry holds one of her knifes overhand grip and gives Frost a look that would have made more sense in Bring it On than in a Bond film. And then she wins? Olympic golds for everyone!

So anyone claiming she’s an all-time great Bond Girl probably doesn’t know what they’re talking about. She’s hot, yes. She’s Halle Berry, but outside of that, this character is pretty useless, and by the time we meet her, a film that started off really well is on the fast track to being the most ridiculous Bond movie ever. So that doesn’t help her case any. No joke, I wouldn’t put her higher than #17 no matter how much I liked her. She’s really not that good a character.

The other thing — Bond movies are not always (at least, since the 60s, when the fact that you couldn’t say anything helped them make really suggestive dialogue) the best written movies, but hearing her say the dialogue only made the dialogue sound worse. I don’t know if that says anything about the dialogue, her acting ability, or the fact that she tried to “make it interesting” and failed miserably, but the sound of her reading lines in this movie makes me cringe. Seriously, listen to it. It’s like an out of tune instrument in an orchestra. It’s like, “Do you know how out of key you sound right now?” At least Christopher Walken has made it a thing, or when actors decide to go all the way to 11 and overact, it usually makes things more enjoyable, but here — it just comes off as bad.

18. Wai Lin (Tomorrow Never Dies)

Two reasons she made it this high — she’s Michelle Yeoh, and for the most part, she’s competent. I think it’s the film that lets her down, rather than her letting the film down or not making herself stand out from the film.

The reason she’s this low — she doesn’t do anything. She starts off strong, but then fades, almost certainly due to horrible writing on the part of the film. We meet her at Carver’s party, where she says she works for the China news agency, and Carver talks to her about potentially getting a job when he opens up a bureau in China. So it seems on the up and up. Then we see her breaking into Carver’s news facility the same time Bond is. Then there’s an action sequence, and Bond has to kill a bunch of guys, while she gets to escape using gadgets. It’s implausible, but it kind of works. Though it’s kind of a waste, because Michelle Yeoh knows kung fu! Why wouldn’t you have her beat the shit out of people? Isn’t that why you hire her in the first place?

Then she disappears and Bond encounters her again underwater (randomly too. She only seems to be there because they needed to get her and Bond in the same place. I get that they were going for the “Bond meeting the Bond Girl underwater” thing from Thunderball and For Your Eyes Only, but the writing doesn’t set it up at all and just makes it seem out of nowhere), but then they get caught. (I wonder if it would have made more sense to just have her get caught and have us wonder what she did. Maybe have Carver say something about her fucking up eight of his guards in the process, make her a badass off-camera, and make us want to see her do some shit like that and imagine what it would be like.) Then they escape, and they have the motorcycle chase. Which is fine, only — she does nothing during that chase. She’s like, “Let me drive,” and Bond doesn’t let her. So she’s basically just on the motorcycle with Bond.

Then there’s the shower scene, which — all right, I’ll give you that.

Then she gets attacked by some guys and she beats them off (I mean…), which is really just an excuse to get some of her kung fu in there, but it’s really not enough of a scene to make up for how badly they’ve misused her until that point. Then there’s the scene where Bond sees all her equipment, which is fine and all. But then in the final showdown, she’s captured and Bond has to save her. Which is fine and all, since apparently all Bond Girls need to get saved by Bond at some point, but how could you give her so little to do until that point?

As much as I love Michelle Yeoh, and as much as I want to rank this character higher — I can’t. The film let her down. And I’ve already made my displeasures known about the film, and how badly I think it’s written. So that does explain a lot of why her character is so woefully underdeveloped (doesn’t explain why they don’t let her show off her badass action skills, though), but even if the excuse is legitimate, I still can’t rank her any higher. Excuse or no excuse, there comes a point where the character’s just not that interesting.

TokyoRemix:

Validation of Mike’s opinion — I love Asian chicks in Bond (well, the other way round, I suppose) and she still does next to nothing for me. Even trying to make her look competent just failed, and I keep coming back to the end of that shower scene as the example of why we can’t take her character seriously. She cuffs Bond to the pipe, trying to look badass, and Bond just pulls the pipe apart, as if to say, “Really, bitch? Yeah, you’re smooth. Gimme a call when you’re ready to play with the big dogs.”

17. Melina Havelock (For Your Eyes Only)

I made fun of her in the article for not showing any expression, but there’s no denying that 1) she looks good, and 2) she’s pretty serviceable as a Bond Girl. She’s just a regular girl, the daughter of an archaeologist, who happens to see both her parents murdered in front of her. Then she goes out for vengeance. She finds the hitman who killed her parents (who she knows because he flew her to the boat to see them) and kills him. She happens to save Bond in the process and helps him escape (in TokyoRemix’s favorite Bond car ever). But that’s where things take a weird turn. She sees Locque paying Gonzales and thinks, “This goes higher, I have to continue killing people.” I think I’d be okay with just the people who killed my parents. This is turning into some Batman shit.

She’s the Bond Girl this franchise deserves, but not the one it needs right now.

Look, it’s a compulsion. I can’t help it.

Anyway, she decides to keep killing people, which gives her an excuse to stick around. Bond is like, “Don’t keep doing this because it’ll kill you,” and she doesn’t care. She doesn’t really have much of a character, and her lack of facial expressions throughout the film is hilarious. The basic character premise is pretty good, though. And she looks great. So I’ll put her here. Though, in practice, she’s not really that interesting to watch outside of, “Damn, she’s pretty.” So we’ll put her her, since at least she has a function within the plot, even if it gets vague and ends sort of like, “Uhh… and she sort of… is there to fuck him at the end.” Mostly I think the writers just run out of steam with the Bond Girls because it’s always like, “Well she has no purpose anymore outside of tradition.” That’s probably what happened here.

TokyoRemix:

Can you imagine if this chick had been Trinity in The Matrix instead of Carrie-Ann Moss? Opposite Keanu Reeves, the emotion vacuum would have been incredible.

Morpheus Note:

16. Kissy Suzuki (You Only Live Twice)

Look, as much as I think Christmas Jones is underrated, you’re just not gonna beat a sexy Japanese bitch. (And that’s me saying it. Just wait til we get to TokyoRemix.) On the surface, Kissy Suzuki doesn’t really have much to do with the plot of You Only Live Twice, and really is only there because they killed the first (and better) Bond Girl in the film. And Bond has to have somebody to fuck.

She’s introduced after Bond completes his ninja training and is turned Japanese (I really think so). In order to go undercover in the fishing village, he needs to take a wife. And at first he’s worried that she’s gonna be hideous, but then Kissy shows up and he’s all like, “Oh, I can fucks with that.” And then they marry, but she’s like, “Nuh uh, I ain’t fucking you, this is business,” which shows some backbone. Bond’s all ready to do some wedding night fucking and she’s like, “Nah, son, this ain’t a real marriage.” But then she tags along and gets involved with the action and sees him being a badass and once they get in the raft is like, “Let me get some of that DICK.”

She doesn’t actually do all that much, but she’s a hot Japanese bitch. That counts.

TokyoRemix:

I see that you’re basically leaving her this far down because she doesn’t do anything but a bit of swimming and marry Bond. But she IS a hot Japanese chick. Big fan of that. She’s in a bikini for half of her screen time, and gets in some action. She’s also supposedly Tiger Tanaka’s protege. I’d put her ahead of Christmas Jones cause I have nothing wrong with her and Mie Hama is super fine. It’s also awesome how at first she spurns Connery’s advances and then later, she’s like, “Oh, volcano sex? I didn’t know it was gonna be VOLCANO sex. Okay.” Plus, Hama’s comment that, “Bond is playboy. Connery is warm heart,” is amazing.

15. Christmas Jones (The World Is Not Enough)

Never in my wildest dreams did I think this character would make it this high, but honestly — she’s not that bad. The only real knock against her is Denise Richard’s performance, but since when has a Bond girl been an Academy Award winning… oh.

(P.S. Notice how she went higher than her.)

Christmas Jones is a nuclear scientist (and yes, make the jokes. Because it’s not like this isn’t a franchise that made you think Barbara Bach was an agent who was as competent as James Bond) who is encountered by Bond about midway through the film. It’s perfect timing, because she’s introduced right before we realize that Elektra King is not our Bond Girl. We assumed Sophie Marceau would be the Bond Girl, but then, right after we meet Christmas, we find out she’s the villain. So I think her showing up midway through the film totally works for that reason.

Then, she’s suspicious of Bond, and correctly realizes he’s not who he says he is. Of course, she doesn’t know he’s a good guy, but it’s fine. How is she supposed to know? So then Renard goes to blow the place up and she happens to be down there so Bond has to get her out of it. Only she helps him as much as he helps her. She wires up a generator that opens up blast doors for him to get through and he kills all the guys that allows them to escape unharmed. And the “Bond can’t die” magic allowed them to get out of there despite him actually being on top of a bomb 1.6 seconds from it exploding. So she holds her own in the first encounter.

Then they get back to MI6 and they find out there’s a bomb in Elektra’s pipeline. And Bond asks her what he needs to disarm it, and she says, “Me.” Which is a good line. It prevents Bond from randomly knowing how to disarm a nuclear weapon (which technically he’s done before, but in the Brosnan iteration of Bond, he doesn’t “do” technology), and gives her something to do.

Then Bond stops her from disarming the bomb in order to confirm Elektra is indeed the villain and give him time to take her down. Then there’s that weird exchange where Christmas sounds like a high school girl — “What’s the deal with you and her? Are you fucking her?” I can’t tell if the culprit is poor writing or poor line delivery. (Probably it’s a bit of both.) But that aside — then she goes with Bond to act as a hot diversion so he can talk to Zukovsky, then gets caught and ends up on Renard’s sub and Bond has to save her. But until that point, she has knowledge of how to do things, does things, and even helps Bond not get killed.

Honestly, outside of ridiculing the performance and the fact that it’s Denise Richards playing a nuclear physicist, she’s a very serviceable and even good Bond Girl. Not top ten or anything, but she’s better than a lot of other Bond Girls by default. So the “Denise Richards is playing a nuclear physicist!” argument is just lazy, since she actually does more for the plot than Halle Berry does. Sure, she’s not gonna win an award (well, an Oscar, I should say. She won a Razzie for the performance, which is ridiculous to me, because she’s not that bad at all) for the performance, but in terms of her function within the plot and the shit she gets done — she’s actually a pretty good Bond Girl overall.

And I’ll say it again, were it not for intangibles, I’d actually rank her higher than Pussy Galore, since she actually does more than Pussy Galore does and has more of a character than Pussy Galore does.

That’s right, I said it.

TokyoRemix:

Completely disagree on this one. I don’t consider “doing stuff” grounds for merit, especially for a female in a Bond movie. If anything, they gave her too much to do in this movie, because she messed up so much of it. The other thing is that every time you have a really hot chick playing something nuts, like a nuclear physicist, AND try to make her a “lesbian” it doesn’t quite work out. Holly Goodhead actually did quite a bit in Moonraker, if you consider being around all the time and piloting the shuttle that destroyed the orbs to save hundreds of millions of lives “quite a bit” — but she didn’t merit a spot even this high. Richards’ delivery is poor, she has no chemistry with Bond, she looks silly in her role and for the last third of the movie or so, there’s no reason for her to even be there.

(Mike Note: I know, but I was on a roll. So the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor!)

14. Mary Goodnight (The Man with the Golden Gun)

TokyoRemix loves her.

I’m actually a fan of Mary Goodnight. I know the bitch is dumb as bricks, but hey, she does stuff. She’s Bond’s assistant. We first see her coming to pick him up at the airport, just as he’s about to chase after Andrea Anders. And we think she fucked everything up by being inept, but then she’s like, “Nah, she went in a hotel car. I know where she is.”

Then she has some great moments where she sees Bond being all flirty flirty with Anders and is like, “When am I gonna get to fuck you? You fuck everyone else!” She’s like Moneypenny, but with an actual chance to fuck Bond. And then Bond’s like, “Don’t worry, your turn will come.” (Actual dialogue.) And then he goes to fuck her, but then Anders comes in and Bond makes Goodnight wait in the closet. And then he proceeds to fuck Anders. Which is pretty great.

Mostly Goodnight is a comic assistant, who means well and does accomplish some good things, but also seems to make a mess of shit unintentionally. So she’s kind of dumb, and almost gets Bond killed a few times, but she functions within the plot, and brings some humor to the film, which actually works for me. (Plus, consider her next to Sheriff J.W. Pepper. I rest my case.) Her getting thrown in the trunk of a car is just hilarious to me. And then Scaramanga’s like, “Well, you can’t leave this place, so you can go do what you want,” so she just hangs out on his island with him. And then she gets to be “pissed” at Bond the way Tiffany is at the end of Diamonds Are Forever. So she sort of has an excuse to be around at the end, and she does function within the plot. So we’ll put her here. She’s functional. (Not so sure about fully functional, but functional is enough.)

TokyoRemix:

God is she dumb. They should have called her Sandy. And no, that wasn’t a hurricane thing, it was a– never mind. She does look good in a bikini, though, I’ll give her that. She’s like the pageant contestant of the Bond franchise.

(Mike Note: Bond’s dick is her world peace.)

13. Pam Bouvier (Licence to Kill)

I’m not crazy about Pam, but she’s not bad either. She’s an FBI informant on Sanchez who Bond meets after Felix is eaten by the shark so he can find out where Sanchez is. So she meets him in a bar, and very quickly someone tries to kill her. And there’s a bar fight, and then she and Bond go off and fuck. And Bond hires he to be his pilot as he goes to kill Sanchez, and she decides to come with him, mostly because they’re gonna try to kill her anyway, so why not pal around with a former secret agent who has no qualms about killing people?

She’s pretty serviceable, all things considered, and helps Bond out a bunch. And they sort of play the Moneypenny angle with her, in that she has feelings for Bond, but Bond keeps coming up Lupe, and she’s pissed. It’s pretty funny watching her get pissed, not funny watching her get Bond, because Bond should have chosen Lupe instead. But anyway, I like Pam. She does a good job. I just can’t consider her more than this level of Bond Girl because she’s white and she’s boring. She’s actually just a random white woman. Not exotic, not anything. Even the early white women had something. They were Russian, or their name included the word Pussy, or their name was a pun. She’s just — white. And that’s not as interesting to me, even though she’s pretty solid all around. And I think the ranking reflects that.

TokyoRemix:

You summed her up for me in that first sentence. She’s just sort of there. And then in the end when she cries, I want to drown her in the pool. You know Connery wouldn’t have consoled her. He’d have given her something to cry about.

12. Pussy Galore (Goldfinger)

The name. That’s it. I’m willing to concede that the name is classic, and the idea of her puts her pretty high up on a Bond Girls list. But I don’t like this character at all.

Think about it — Bond is going through the plot pretty smoothly, then he’s knocked the fuck out after the laser scene. He wakes up on a plane, looking at Pussy Galore, not dreaming. And she says she’s Goldfinger’s pilot, and she’s immune to his charms. Way to be interesting. She also teaches a “flying circus” of female pilots. Oh boy. Then we find out she’s gonna fly this poisonous gas over Fort Knox and kill a bunch of people, mostly because she’s getting paid so she can go live on an island by herself and retire to there. Which is fine, only — what does she actually do in the film?

Think about this — she has the one scene with Bond on the plane, then a brief one after, where Bond warns her that Oddjob kills people like her, but she doesn’t care. Then later she stops Bond after he escapes from his cell and brings him back to Goldfinger. Then Goldfinger finds out the CIA knows about him so he pretends to be nice to Bond and has her be nice to him. So then they go and “fight” in the barn and eventually fuck. And then because of his dick magic, she substitutes fake gas for the real gas during the raid and phones the FBI to say she’s giving up Goldfinger. That’s all she does. And she’s barely on screen and she’s not all that attractive to begin with. If she’s not named Pussy Galore and is in another Bond movie, she’d be six spots lower on this list. That’s all I’m saying.

But, her name is Pussy Galore, and that demands some respect. But I’ll tell you, in terms of pure character and character development — she’s probably #17 for me. No joke.

TokyoRemix:

Once again, I’ll say that doing stuff isn’t really required for Bond girl greatness in my book. Pussy is about image (ahhhhh.). She’s the first attractive woman that’s ever been consciously associated with the villain. Without her, Bond has no way of “fucking” up Goldfinger’s plan. It also gives us a way for Bond to show off more of his character once we’re in the villain stages of the movie. Even though he’s captured and has to be mostly serious with Goldfinger, he can still flirt with her and get in some lighter dialogue. At any rate, she has about as much character development as Tiffany Case does.

11. Natalya Simonova (GoldenEye)

Natalya’s good. She’s a good Bond Girl. She feels more like an ally than a Bond girl, almost.

First, think about this — she’s a computer programmer in Russia, working a regular government job where a satellite base is housed. Then, one day, a General and some woman come in and kill everyone. They set off the satellite on the facility. She and her “friend” are the only survivors. What the fuck do you do? So she goes and contacts the friend, who happens to be working for the people who did it. So she’s captured. She’s tied up in a helicopter that’s going to self-destruct with a random guy who is knocked out. She don’t know who the fuck he is. He wakes up, gets them out of there. Then they’re picked up and brought in for questioning. The general comes in and kills the Russian defense minister. She and the guy (who she’s now met) have to get the fuck out of there. She’s captured again and he gets away. She’s taken to a train, but is rescued by the guy, but not before she finds out where he has to go to get revenge on the dude who left them there to die by outsmarting her friend, a computer genius (who is invincible). Then she and the dude go to Cuba, because she’s the only one who knows how to disarm the new satellite. Purpose. And then they get through the end an they fuck. She even helps. She plays dead in the elevator and knows how to shoot a gun.

Everything about Natalya works within the context of the film. She helps the plot and is able to do things Bond cannot, therefore making her more than just someone Bond has to save. Here, he has to save her because, while she can help him, it causes her to be put into dangerous situations, which are his specialty. Rarely does the combination of Bond and Bond Girl work as well as it does here, and dare I say, it might not work better than it does here.

So, on relevance to the plot alone, Natalya is top ten. But she’s not really that exotic and doesn’t look very hot in the film (even though Izabella Scorupco is gorgeous), so I dock her a little bit for that. But Natalya is definitely one of the better Bond Girls ever.

TokyoRemix:

Easily a top ten for me. I still find her totally hot throughout the film, even in her bulkier clothing. Too much skin all the time is boring. Gotta have a girl well-wrapped occasionally, cause it keeps you guessing. Then you get the scene on the beach and DAMN. Plus, this is our last really good Russian girl. She gets excellent stuff with Boris, including her kicking the shit out him, and she’s one of the only Bond girls who has some success criticizing Bond about his lifestyle. I like her a lot.

10. Camille Montes (Quantum of Solace)

I don’t care that he doesn’t sleep with her. The mold is being altered with every new film. At least he banged somebody in the film. So that doesn’t bother me at all. So take that, purists.

That said — Camille is a perfect Bond Girl for the modern era. She has something to do within the plot, which allows her to stay around Bond. Because this Bond isn’t Roger Moore — Daniel Craig would fucking leave Stacey alone and go do his shit. Shit, Bond almost leaves Camille alone — remember? She goes to kill Medrano and he stops her, and she’s like, “I waited my entire life for that chance!” and he’s like, “Oh, sorry.” And then they get chased, she gets knocked out, he gets them out of it, then leaves her with a random dude on the dock, like, “Here you go,” and leaves. She comes back because she’s got shit to do.

I like all the scenes she’s in — the first scene in the car, “Get in,” and then the realization that she was this close to being killed, were it not for sheer chance, then her storming in on Greene and being pissed, and their whole exchange — then the chase. Then she shows up again at Greene’s fundraiser and fucks shit up for him, and he goes to make her have an “accident” and Bond steps in. And now she’s stuck with Bond. The police stop them, Mathis is in the trunk, they have to get out of there. They get on a plane, are shot at. They find out the plot. Then they end up at the hotel where all the shit goes down at the end.

She doesn’t have a bad scene in the movie. And on top of that — this is Melina Havelock for the modern era. Her father — I always forget specifics, but basically when the government was overthrown, Medrano came into her house when she was a kid, raped her mother and sister and killed them and killed her father, and then set the house on fire to get rid of her. And she survives and has sworn revenge. And then she gets it. And as an added bonus, she has that great moment of being in the fire again and having a flashback to her childhood and being frozen in fear, and Bond goes to shoot her in the head to spare her the psychological and physical pain, but finds a way to get out at the last second. It’s incredible.

So I don’t care that they don’t fuck, because honestly, the relationship between the two of them feels perfect without it. The argument that they should have fucked is the same as saying we should have a white president because that’s what the tradition is.

Just saying.

She’s a top ten Bond Girl.

TokyoRemix:

Another one I’d say that’s clearly in the top 10. People moaned about her, but she’s got depth and you care about her. Can’t argue with any of that.

9. Aki (You Only Live Twice)

She’s a trained female ninja who works for the head of the Japanese secret service (whose identity is a secret to everyone in the country except a select few and moves about on an underground secret train) — I’m sorry, did you say anything?

I can’t say anything about Aki as good as TokyoRemix could, but I’ll leave it at this — if she made it through the entire film, she’d probably be a few spots higher on this list. The fact that she gets killed 60% into the film and still makes number 9 says a lot about her.

What I like about her is that she’s clearly on top of her shit, and manages to help Bond out of more than one tight squeeze. And it takes a nina to kill her. (Only a ninja can kill a ninja.) She’s also really good looking. That helps too.

I probably should have her as #10, but — Bond sleeps with her. (Look, I’m not saying I’m immune to these things, I’m just saying I don’t put as much stock into them and use them as “auto-excuses” as everyone else does.)

TokyoRemix:

Oh yes. She goes higher than this for me, but I can see why she’d be a ninth. It was such a shame she had to die, cause she really was perfect. Hot, for one thing. And she’s got that rare combination of competence and submissiveness that you’d only get with a Japanese Bond girl. She’s great at what she does, but she’s also totally ready to do anything Bond says or sleep with him or whatever. No bullshit that we have to get past, she’s ready to go. And that car. Oh, that car. I’d bump her up just for that.

8. Honey Ryder (Dr. No)

I don’t even care that she’s the first one — she works. She’s just a regular chick who’s had a fucked up life. Her father came around the area she’s at now and disappeared. Then she went out and lived a wild lifestyle, got raped by a dude, then killed him by putting a spider in his bed. Now she goes back to this place every day to collect seashells (so she can sell them). Now Bond is there and Dr. No knows they’re there, so she ends up having to go along with him.

She honestly doesn’t do all that much, and I’m sure a lot of my ranking has to do with her being the first Bond girl, that opening shot of her, and her looking as good as she does, but honestly — what the fuck are we doing here?

I stand by my ranking. She accomplishes what she needs to accomplish, and the novelty factor helps a little bit too. You can’t not consider her a top ten. I just can’t put her higher because she actually doesn’t do all that much in the film.

TokyoRemix:

Yeah, I’d say she looks great, has the famous shot coming out of the water, and has the first moments of real connection with Bond that we ever see. She’s also there out of necessity — it’s not like they just decided that Bond could bring a chick along. They also used her to show some interesting character stuff about Bond after they’ve been captured. I’m a fan.

7. Anya Amasova (The Spy Who Loved Me)

TokyoRemix said it best in the article — she’s just as capable as Bond, and might even be better than Bond in certain instances. Or something like that. You get the point. Here’s basically Bond’s Soviet equivalent. They’re both great at what they do, and she’s pissed at him because he killed her boyfriend. But they need to work together, so there’s always this thing hanging over them that she’s gonna kill him once the mission is over. It makes for a great relationship.

Two things I hold against her, though — one, she’s not wholly convincing in the part, and two — man, if this character happened in the Daniel Craig era, imagine how much better the characterization would have been.

I also don’t love the character, so I can’t consider her a top five. She’s just pretty good for me, has a great storyline and some great tits. I think that more than puts her here.

TokyoRemix:

She’s pretty much the single largest reason for liking this movie as much as I do, so I feel compelled to put her way up on the list. “What’s the matter, sailor? Never seen a major take a shower before?”

6. Tiffany Case (Diamonds Are Forever)

I love me some Tiffany Case. I made it well known in the article.

A lot of this has to do with me really liking her. But I do like the character. She’s a diamond smuggler who crosses paths with Bond. Bond pretends to be another smuggler and pretends to kill himself. They go along together because he thinks she’ll lead him to the person who is stockpiling all the diamonds. They fuck, and she sort of tags along for the ride. I like that she’s pretty much out for herself and is willing to cut and run as soon as she gets what she wants. And he stays with her all along.

Then she ends up getting kidnapped by Blofeld (through her own doing) and then gets pissed at Bond, like, “Oh, so you just fucking left me here, did you?” But then she helps him, and sort of fucks up (can’t shoot a machine gun worth a fuck, though I guess it’s not that big an offense. It’s just — jesus), but whatever. She functions well within the plot, and gets a lot of scenes to be scantily clad and look good. That’s the epitome of Bond Girl to me.

TokyoRemix:

Yeah, never liked Tiffany Case. For one, I don’t find her all that hot — it’s gotta be the hair style. I see the rest of her and that’s fine, and then I get to her head and lose all interest. And then, I’m not big on her for the same reason I wasn’t big on Vegas as a Bond location. It’s loud, a little too American, not quite classy enough. Maybe it’s a 70s thing, but she feels like a major departure from the refined, European girls from all the earlier films. They sounded smarter. I kept waiting for Tiffany to drop a, “Say, what’s the big idea?” And then there’s the whole idea that she starts out a criminal, Bond helps her out of that, even though she screws things up, and then at the end, she’s still thinking about the diamonds.

5. Solitaire (Live and Let Die)

Look — I can’t help it. I would quit for her. That’s what this comes down to.

I like how she works perfectly within the plot. She’s a tarot card reader who manages to be right every time. How? I don’t care. And her “powers” remain as long as she’s a virgin. Now tell me — is there any better set up for a Bond Girl. As TokyoRemix said, it gives Bond a perfect chance to actually fuck up their plan.

I like how she’s got that whole stoic, “I’m a goddess” nature until Bond shows up and is like, “We go’n fuck,” and then the cards say they’re gonna fuck. And then Bond manipulates her by making all the cards the one that says they’re gonna fuck and then he fucks her. And then afterwards, he finds out she knows nothing, but now he’s stuck with her because if she can’t read the cards, they’ll both be killed.

Plus she’s insanely gorgeous.

Look, there’s no way she wasn’t going top five for me. Be glad she’s only #5. I could have put her higher.

TokyoRemix:

Nah, not too interested. I’ll admit, she is hot as hell. And the whole “virgin” thing…wow. But I’m instantly turned off by the tarot card thing, and her lack of worldly knowledge (not a virgin joke, I’m being serious) would get really old really fast. It could be that I just watched Carrie, and saw another story about a girl with strange powers who was brought up in a strict, religious environment, but I don’t want anything to do with this girl after the film is over. Would I quit for her? Absolutely not. I stated in the article, the voodoo stuff that she’s still doing after she’s lost her powers seems endearing now, but wait until 30 years later when she’s no longer hot and STILL doing creepy witch shit. Finding shrunken heads all over the house and stuff. I’ll pass.

4. Tatiana Romanova (From Russia with Love)

Incredible Bond Girl. Simple Russian office clerk who is duped into working for a Russian colonel who has defected to SPECTRE. They’re gonna have her work with Bond to steal a Lecktor decoding machine and then they’re gonna kill her and Bond and steal the machine (and disgrace Bond as well by having filmed the two of them fucking). Her cover is that she’s fallen in love with Bond and wants to help by giving him the Lektor personally. Of course she goes alone because she loves her country.

Then she meets Bond, fucks him, and actually falls in love with him. And then they have to get her out of the country with the Lektor, so she poses as Bond’s wife as they go back to England together. And then Red Grant shows up and all that happens, and then she ends up safe with Bond in Vienna, where they fuck.

It might not sound like much, but ask any real Bond fan — Daniela Bianchi is a top five Bond girl.

TokyoRemix:

No doubt in my mind over this one. She’s magnificent. She’s super hot, has great scenes with villains and Bond, gets DRUGGED and smiles at getting her ass slapped. What else do you want in a Bond girl, seriously?

3. Domino Derval (Thunderball)

Tits.

Look — Domino is awesome. Pretty much the top Bond Girls to me come down to which ones are the most attractive and sort of function well within the plot. Domino’s brother is a pilot who is killed by SPECTRE. They replace him with a dude who’s been given his exact face so they can steal some weapons. This is all done by her benefactor, Largo, which she doesn’t know about. Then Bond comes along and is like, “You look good, I want to fuck you. Oh, by the way, your benefactor killed your brother.” So she kills Largo at the end. She’s one of the few Bond Girls to actually kill the film’s primary villain.

But really she’s just pretty hot throughout most of the film. Honestly, Tatiana should probably be #3, but I did this list a while back and I don’t really care about the numbers outside of 1 and 2 anyway. Mostly this was just so I could say which Bond Girls I liked the best. And really, as long as Tatiana, Solitaire and Domino are in the 3-5, I don’t care about the order.

TokyoRemix:

Oh, yeah. I have her as #4, so this makes sense. She’s pretty, she works really well as a character, kills a villain and acts right as Bond makes really obvious advances. I like her a lot.

2. Tracy di Vincenzo (On Her Majesty’s Secret Service)

I mean, really? Of course she’s number two. Should I even waste time explaining why? There are only two women who ever get to Bond, and she’s one of them. She’s the most important Bond Girl there is, but she’s only #2 on the list because she doesn’t get as much screen time or character development as our number one. Otherwise, her and #1 are pretty much the same in my mind.

TokyoRemix:

Well, her “importance” is claimed to be the same as Vesper’s — people talk about her as the reason Bond is the way he is. Vesper is just the reboot’s Tracy done in a different way, and a lot better.

1. Vesper Lynd (Casino Royale)

Of course. She gets character development, an arc, and we actually see Bond fall head over heels in love with her, even though she’s basically betraying him the entire time. And then she helps him while betraying him, sacrificing herself to keep him alive. She even gives him the name of Mr. White, which leads Bond to Quantum, tips off MI6 to a global conspiracy involving a secret organization, and provides the best ending to a Bond movie since — Tracy. She’s the only Bond Girl who actually brought about a sequel. It’s not even close, really. She’s the best Bond Girl.

TokyoRemix:

Nothing more to be said on that. Oh, she’s hot.

– – – – –

Ranking the Bond Girls (Tokyo)Remix Edition

24. Stacey Sutton

23. Holly Goodhead

22. Christmas Jones

21. Kara Milovy

20. Octopussy

19. Jinx

18. Melina Havelock

17. Wai Lin

16. Mary Goodnight

15. Tiffany Case

14. Pam Bouvier

13. Kissy Suzuki

12. Solitaire

11. Pussy Galore

10. Camille Montes

9. Natalya Simonova

8. Anya Amasova

7. Honey Ryder

6. Aki

5. Severine

4. Domino Derval

3. Tatiana Romanova

2. Tracy Bond

1. Vesper Lynd

– – – – –

Ranking the Other Bond Girls

25. The Gypsy Girls (From Russia with Love)

Oh, you know they fuck like animals. Plus, he fucks both of them, so — that’s exciting. Come on, you know you thought about what it was like.

24. Dink (Goldfinger)

She’s one of those women you can find anywhere. A bird. One of those you take home… wear out.

Plus, that exchange with her, and the slap on the ass… I had to.

23. Mei-Lei (Goldfinger)

1) Look at her

2) She’s the first person who Bond says his martini order to.

3) Look at her.

22. Rosie Carver (Live and Let Die)

Bond’s first black chick. Gotta respect that.

21. Corinne Dufour (Moonraker)

Man, she looks good.

Plus, she’s a pilot, she succumbs to the magic dick, and gets herself killed. I think she’s pretty memorable. (Though that fucking death scene is strange.)

20. Miss Taro (Dr. No)

Aside from the fact that she’s a white playing an Asian, she’s actually the first chick Bond sleeps with in the franchise, isn’t she? (Second, actually.) Plus she’s working for Dr. No and as a secretary to the head British guy down there and informing on him. And Bond finds this out, fucks her, then turns her over to his people. That’s pretty great.

19. Solange (Casino Royale)

I love this character. Bond’s first hook up. Goes to the Bahamas, finds this guy, needs to find out more about him. Well — let’s go fuck his wife. He goes to fuck her, finds out what he needs to know. Unfortunately he doesn’t fuck her, but she’s still memorable nonetheless.

18. Tilly Masterson (Goldfinger)

She’s a good sister. Goldfinger killed her sister, she’s gonna kill Goldfinger. Even though she shouldn’t be doing this at all. She works well in her brief time on screen and has a memorable death scene.

17. Magda (Octopussy)

She was more interesting to me than Octopussy.

She shows up, fucks Bond, then steals his faberge egg and has a great exit from his hotel, using her sash to slide down the balcony.

Plus she gets to actually say the line, “That’s my little Octopussy.” That merits inclusion on this list.

16. Miranda Frost (Die Another Day)

Villain chick. Working for Gustav Graves but also working for MI6 but also working for Colonel Moon who is Gustav Graves.

Exactly.

Plus she fucks Bond and can fight with a sword. The writing and the film let her down, but on character construction alone, she’s a great Bond Girl.

15. Pola Ivanova (A View to a Kill)

Russian agent goes to kill Zorin, fails, her partner gets killed, so then she goes to Bond to fuck him and steal a cassette tape that contains some important information. So Bond fucks her, switches out the tape, and she goes off, thinking she outsmarted him. It’s more of a Bond Girl cameo, but she makes a lasting impression.

Plus she fucks herself with one of the hot tub jets, I think. So that’s also pretty good.

14. Paula Caplan (Thunderball)

Bond ally. She basically acts as a wingman for Bond to go fuck Domino, and then gets caught by Largo and uses her cyanide capsule to kill herself so she doesn’t give up information. That’s a good agent. Solid character, from what we saw of her anyway. (And that’s only partially a pun.)

13. Andrea Anders (The Man with the Golden Gun)

She’s the reason that movie happens. That alone makes her okay by me.

Plus it’s also an interesting role. Mistress to a hitman. Can’t get out or else he’ll kill her. So she gets the only dude the hitman respects to kill him. It almost works, and then she gets killed. Quel dommage.

Though her post-death scene is pretty great. A million dollar death, actually.

12. Ling (You Only Live Twice)

She helps Bond fake an assassination after fucking him. Try to come out better than that.

This is a real Bond Girl.

11. Patricia Fearing (Thunderball)

She’s a physical therapist who helps Bond gets better and then is blackmailed into fucking him. Then she realizes how good his magic dick is and wants to fuck him a lot more. But by then he has shit to do, and she’s upset, because she wants more dick. That’s a pretty good recipe for a Bond Girl. I’m also partial to general practitioners who get some dick from Bond. It always turns out well.

10. May Day (A View to a Kill)

Look — she’s a great character. She works for Zorin, killing people for him, acting as his henchman. She also fucks him. Also sort of loves him. Then Bond comes and fucks her, and Zorin lets her (maybe that’s a sign he doesn’t love you). Then Zorin leaves her for dead and she becomes good and even foils his plan. She also blows herself up in order to stop him. I don’t think she needed to, but for the narrative, she did. She has more complexity than most primary Bond Girls and is memorable because she looks like Grace Jones. So in all, a very, very memorable villain who actually has a really strong role. I should put her higher, but — I’m biased.

9. Strawberry Fields (Quantum of Solace)

God, I fucking love Fields. I love everything about this character. She works in an office, doesn’t do field work, and is tasked to bring Bond back in. Bond doesn’t take her seriously at all, and then fucks her because he can. And then after getting some magic dick, she deliberately puts herself in harms way for him. And it gets her killed. And she ends up with a nice little update of the Goldfinger shot but with oil.

It’s not a huge role, but I think it’s an important one, especially given the tone of the new Bond movies, with the theme of him getting the women to do things for him and then dying. He actually doesn’t get one yet to make it out alive, does he? (One he fucks, I mean.) Craig’s got some bad luck with the women.

8. Miss Caruso (Live and Let Die)

She’s only in it for one scene, but I love it.

She’s an Italian agent who worked with Bond and now he’s taken her back to his house and fucked her and hasn’t reported in. So M comes to his house, wondering what he’s been doing and where she is. So she sneaks around the house to not be seen. Then Moneypenny shows up and sees her hiding in the closet and even helps her not be seen by M. It’s a pretty great scene. I know next to nothing about her character, but I can fill it in on my own, and that makes it all right by me. Big fan of her (and what I’ve made up about her in my head).

7. Elektra King (The World Is Not Enough)

She’s the first (and so far only) female Bond villain. She’s a very complicated character. But I said it in the article and I’ll repeat it here — on paper, the character is higher on this list. But I don’t fully buy the character and don’t fully see all the stuff the film says she is. So while I have her high on my list, I just don’t think she’s absolute top tier for me. (Though again, the justification for the rankings is skewed. I’m going by how much I like the characters. On characterization alone, she destroys everyone on this list.)

6. Plenty O’Toole (Diamonds Are Forever)

From her first exchange, to that nice shot of her ass when she gets into Bond’s hotel room, to her being thrown out the window and the guy throwing her not knowing he was throwing her into the pool — she’s a great Bond Girl. Easily one of the most memorable.

5. Lupe Lamora (Licence to Kill)

It’s the only secondary Bond Girl I wanted Bond to end up with over the primary one. She’s just better than Pam. I should have her higher, but — there are intangibles after this.

4. Xenia Onatopp (GoldenEye)

Have you seen GoldenEye? I rest my case.

Wouldn’t want to fuck her, though. That’s a dangerous proposition.

3. Jill Masterson (Goldfinger)

Iconic. That’s it. You can’t beat this image. This image beats even my logic.

2. Fiona Volpe (Thunderball)

Oh, I like her. Female assassin who is great at her job and fucks Bond for sport. But it doesn’t change her. She’s immune to the magic dick (seemingly). She was gonna kill him, she fucks him, she still is gonna kill him. And she’s shot by her own man, not even Bond.

This is probably the most competent Bond woman I’ve seen in the movies. She gets shit done. And she knows how to have fun. You know she’s good because she had to die through the “Bond can’t die” rule.

1. Sylvia Trench (Dr. No and From Russia with Love)

How can you not love her? Bond meets her playing cards, they flirt, they make a date. Bond doesn’t call, so she goes over to his house, puts on his shirt (and only his shirt) and waits for him. She says she wanted to fuck, but he’s gotta go out of town. But he fucks her anyway. So she’s the first girl Bond sleeps with in the movies. And then she shows up again in From Russia with Love, fucking Bond some more.

What I love about her is how she really just likes to have sex, and pretty much knows what the deal is with Bond. And then, that moment when she’s like, “No, he’s not going in, he’s fucking me,” and Bond’s like, “Nah, I have to go in. … but not before I fuck you again,” she has this little moment where she does a mini clap to herself, like, “Oh goodie, I get to fuck one more time.” I fell in love with her right there. Honestly, I wouldn’t have minded if they went through with their original plan of having him and her together in every movie and him having to go off on another mission before they can really get down to business. I just love this character so much that I’d have gone with it just to get more of her.

– – – – –

Ranking the Other Bond Girls (Tokyo)Remix Edition

25. Rosie Carver

24. Corinne Dufour

23. Andrea Anders

22. Magda

21. Dink

20. Mei Lei

19. Ling

18. Miss Caruso

17. Paula Caplan

16. Miranda Frost

15. Pola Ivanova

14. The Gypsies

13. Tilly Masterson

12. Patricia Fearing

11. Lupe Lamora

10. Plenty O’Toole

9. Solange

8. May Day

7. Miss Taro

6. Fiona Volpe

5. Strawberry Fields

4. Elektra King

3. Xenia Onatopp

2. Jill Masterson

1. Sylvia Trench

– – – – –

Ranking the Bond Girls (By Hotness)

50. Severine (Skyfall) (you know she’s gonna be on the list, so I’ll put her here and update it once I see the film)

TokyoRemix:

She’s going up there for me. Holy shit, I like this one by hotness. And now that I’ve seen the movie…yeah. You’ll see.

49. Gypsy Girls (From Russia with Love)

There’s something insanely hot to me about two fiery gypsy chicks who are willing to kill each other because they want to fuck the same guy. Then Bond shows up and they both fuck him. I’m sorry, is banging two chicks at the same time ever not hot?

(Note: Irma Bunt and Rosa Klebb.)

(Don’t forget, I live like two minutes from “there.”)

48. Bianca (Octopussy)

That photo. Plus she knows how to use it, so that’s nice too.

47. Caroline (GoldenEye)

It’s impossible for me to go solely on looks, so I have to incorporate some of their personalities occasionally. I just do. It’s who I am. And I like the idea of a psych evaluator who is all straight-laced and then is like, “Oh, fuck it, let’s just bang.”

Look at that moment — she’s trying to maintain properness, “I like a spirited ride as much as the next girl — who’s that?” “The next girl.” And that’s her look. Like, “Oh, so there’s a next girl, huh? Well fuck that, you’re gonna stick your dick in me.” She pretend she don’t want it, but she’s just playing. She want it.

46. May Day (A View to a Kill)

I think it’s a weird fascination thing for me. If I were Bond, I’d totally do it just for the experience. She fascinates me more than anything. I have to put her here. It’s like a rubbernecking thing.

45. Octopussy (Octopussy)

I think it’s that milf thing. Any situation I can see with her is one of those porno set ups. Pussy’s mom has got it goin’ on. You know what I mean.

44. Naomi (The Spy Who Loved Me)

This image is not from The Spy Who Loved Me, but was most representative in showing off her… assets.

Look at her. She goes here.

43. Linda (The Living Daylights)

Think about this — hot woman on a yacht is like, “All the men here are boring.” Then you come in on a parachute…

Seriously, half of these Bond chicks are porn set ups. It’s mostly the situation that makes her attractive to me, but she looks pretty good too.

42. Log Cabin Chick (The Spy Who Loved Me)

I’d fuck her in a log cabin on a mountain too.

41. Prof. Inga Bergstrom (Tomorrow Never Dies)

She’s a Danish professor. You know you would.

40. Pussy Galore (Goldfinger)

If you have a chance to fuck a girl named Pussy (and it’s not a stripper name or something), and you don’t take it — you don’t deserve to be able to have sex.

39. Pola Ivanova (A View to a Kill)

Hot Russian spy chick who has no qualms about fucking the opposition and doesn’t care when her mission fails and all she got out of it is sex.

I like her

38. Dink (Goldfinger)

It’s also her body they project the credits on. She goes on.

37. Andrea Anders (The Man with the Golden Gun)

She looks good to me. And yet — on another day — she might not be on this list. But she’s pretty hot to me. Especially in this scene. (Plus, between this and Octopussy…)

36. Magda (Octopussy)

I consider her the hottest chick in that movie. The cult thing’s a little weird for me, but mostly it just seems like she’s more in a circus sorority. Plus it’s a gang of jewel thieves. Mostly it just seems like a good cult and not a bad cult. They don’t really do any of the weird cult shit. So she’s okay.

35. Wai Lin (Tomorrow Never Dies)

It’s Michelle Yeoh.

I repeat. It’s Michelle Yeoh.

34. Mary Goodnight (The Man with the Golden Gun)

Bitch looks good in a bikini.

33. Kara Milovy (The Living Daylights)

She should be lower, and yet, there’s something about her that’s attractive to me. Maybe it’s because she’s stuck behind the iron curtain for most of the film, so you actually can fuck her and leave her. You have to deal with Goodnight all the time. This one is a ho in a different area code.

32. Stacey Sutton (A View to a Kill)

Too bad she’s totally useless as a Bond Girl, because she looks good.

31. Miranda Frost (Die Another Day)

Look at that photo — I rest my case.

30. Xenia Onatopp (GoldenEye)

Dangerous, but she looks good when she’s not in a Russian military uniform.

29. Miss Taro (Dr. No)

Really my only question is — is her crotch blurred out or not?

28. Valenka (Casino Royale)

Google image search Ivana Milicevic. I rest my case.

27. Miss Caruso (Live and Let Die)

It’s a situational thing that makes her so hot to me. This is the aftermath of what happens with a Bond Girl. Bond goes off to fuck her, not wanting to be found, and then he’s found and her people are like, “Where the fuck is she?” and she has to pretend like she wasn’t with him because it’s unprofessional to be fucking another agent. Big fan of that. Plus — this is a chick. Boss comes in, she hides in the fucking closet.

26. Corinne Dufour (Moonraker)

The fact that this photo reminds me of Keira certainly doesn’t hurt.

25. Pam Bouvier (Licence to Kill)

That photo.

Sometimes a plain white chick is okay.

24. Natalya Simonova (GoldenEye)

Izabella Scorupco is gorgeous.

23. Kerim Bey’s Girl (From Russia with Love)

She loves the dick, and she looks like that. Go ahead and tell me she shouldn’t be here.

22. Jill Masterson (Goldfinger)

I find people below her more attractive, but she really likes to fuck, and that image of her painted in gold is iconic. So for some weird reason it makes me want to put her here.

21. Solange (Casino Royale)

When you get to fuck another guy’s wife, and she looks like that — you fuck her. God damn.

20. Elektra King (The World Is Not Enough)

Two words: Sophie. Marceau.

19. Melina Havelock (For Your Eyes Only)

I never said she wasn’t really attractive, I just said she has no facial expressions in the movie.

18. Anya Amasova (The Spy Who Loved Me)

I think that photo explains everything.

17. Fiona Volpe (Thunderball)

Oh my god is she attractive as hell to me. When a woman doesn’t flinch when you walk in on her taking a bath, that’s something. She’s a little too serious for me, but we do kind of see her having some fun (she doesn’t kill Bond in the car, and fucks him instead). Seriously though, very attractive. And she reminds me of Deborah Kerr.

16. Plenty O’Toole (Diamonds Are Forever)

She’s Plenty O’ Lotta Things.

15. Kissy Suzuki (You Only Live Twice)

Look at this photo.

14. Christmas Jones (The World Is Not Enough)

Denise Richards is very attractive. There’s really no denying that.

13. Tracy di Vincenzo (On Her Majesty’s Secret Service)

I’m sort of letting her character bleed into this, but even so, she’s very attractive.

12. Jinx Johnson (Die Another Day)

It’s Halle Berry. Forget how bad her character is — yes.

11. Aki (You Only Live Twice)

Oh, Aki…

10. Camille Montes (Quantum of Solace)

The fake tan they gave her hurts, but Olga Kurylenko is absolutely stunning.

9. Honey Ryder (Dr. No)

Really?

8. Strawberry Fields (Quantum of Solace)

Love me some Fields. Even when she’s not a redhead, Gemma Arterton is gorgeous.

7. Domino Derval (Thunderball)

Another one — do I even need to say anything?

6. Tatiana Romanova (From Russia with Love)

Oh, she is so fine.

5. Tiffany Case (Diamonds Are Forever)

This photo explains it all.

4. Lupe Lamora (Licence to Kill)

Look, I still would choose her over Pam. On looks alone, she is absolutely perfect.

3. Sylvia Trench (Dr. No and From Russia with Love)

She looks like that, has a sense of humor, and loves to fuck.

The end.

2. Vesper Lynd (Casino Royale)

I’m letting personality come into this, but — she’s intelligent. She knows how to answer a sarcastic remark. And she looks like that. When is Eva Green not on a top five list of attractive people?

1. Solitaire (Live and Let Die)

Look, you knew this was coming before we even started. Let’s not pretend this is a surprise.

– – – – –

Ranking the Bond Girls (By Hotness) (Tokyo)Remix Edition

I’ve decided to go with the top 20, cause after that they’re all just sort of there for me. Up to 20, I’m like, “Oh, yeah. This works.” But after that, I’m simply acknowledging that they’re there, like all the other hot women in Bond movies.

20. Fiona Volpe

19. Jinx Johnson

18. Tracy Di Vicenzo

17. Xenia Onatopp

16. Anya Amasova

15. Elektra King

14. Domino Derval

13. Miss Taro

12. Honey Ryder

11. Camille Montes

10. Strawberry Fields

9. Natalya Simonova

8. Kissy Suzuki

7. Solange

6. Solitaire

5. Aki

4. Tatiana Romanova

3. Sylvia Trench

2. Vesper Lynd

1. Severine

– – – – –

Tomorrow, we rank our favorite Bond Villains and Bond Allies.

http://bplusmovieblog.com

4 responses

  1. No other franchise has had such a wide array of female characters, and we are in agreement that Vesper is by and large #1 when it comes to character, looks, and impact. Also, love that you included a second opinion in TokyoRemix. It’s a great article which you’ve obviously put serious time/effort into!

    November 10, 2012 at 4:11 pm

  2. BlueFox94

    No discussion on Moneypenny D:

    November 10, 2012 at 5:59 pm

  3. BigTrakAttack

    The same actress that was Paula Caplan was also one of the (get the freak on) gypsies.

    March 24, 2013 at 12:41 pm

  4. Exact ranking! Solitaire deserves rank 1 only. I just love her. She is my favorite bond girl. Well all are good but she is the one who took my heart. Well, this list of bond girls is awesome.

    July 16, 2014 at 12:42 am

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.