The 2013 Film Release Calendar: September
The Film Release Calendar is something I do each year to preview the upcoming year’s slate of films. It started as both a way for me to start paying attention to what was coming out (since I was really slacking around the time I started the blog) and to be able to see how well I know myself and how much I know exactly what I’m gonna think about a movie before I even see it.
What I do is, I go through the list of films scheduled to come out in a given year (using my go-to article, Wikipedia’s year in film article), month by month. I write down what they’re about, who’s in them, and generally what my thoughts are on what I see. And then I guess what I think I’m gonna rate it when I see it. Because at this point — I’ve seen so many movies — I know what a movie is gonna be. I’m running about a 70% correct percentage on guessing stuff in January. Plus, that aside, it also gives me a chance to see what movies, come the end of the year, surpassed (or fell way below) my expectations (or everyone’s). So it’s not all just a chance for me to talk about how awesome I am (since, believe me… I’m gonna do that anyway).
Today, we’re looking at all the films that are currently scheduled to come out in September:
I’ve always liked Vin Diesel. I just enjoy his movies. He’s been MIA the past few years, since Babylon A.D. Mostly just Fast and the Furious films. In fact, entirely Fast and the Furious films. But now he’s back to his other bread and butter — Riddick.
I love Pitch Black. I tolerate (not really, since I’ve only seen it once) The Chronicles of Riddick.
I’m not even gonna bother with a synopsis. I hope this one is good. But I won’t expect much.
3 stars. It’s the first week of September. I know the deal. I just hope I enjoy it.
Battle of the Year
An American b-boy crew heads to France to compete at the Battle of the Year International Championships.
Oh my god. This looks terrible. But in that campy as shit way. They must be trying to make this the male Pitch Perfect. They must be.
I — this won’t be good.
2 stars. I wonder if this’ll be Unforgivable. Seems unlikely, but never say never.
(That was only a slight pun.)
I love that Robert Rodriguez compiles these ridiculous casts for his movies. Danny Trejo is back, Jessica Alba is back, Michelle Rodriguez is back, and he’s got Amber Heard, Mel Gibson, Sofia Vergara, Charlie Sheen, Alexa Vega, Vanessa Hudgens, Antonio Banderas, Cuba Gooding Jr., William Sadler, Lady Gaga, Demian Bichir — the cast is stacked.
I don’t know what the plot is for this, and frankly, does it matter?
No, no it does not.
3 stars. The first was marginally fun. I assume this will be slightly less so, but the cast will keep it at the same level.
Frankenstein’s monster, named Adam and having taken the surname of his creator, becomes involved in a war between two immortal clans in an ancient city.
Uhh… all right.
Aaron Eckhart is Frankenstein.
3 stars? I don’t know what the fuck this is gonna be.
But we all agree this sounds more Jonah Hex then — (something good. I can’t think of something off the top of my head), right? I’m give it the benefit of the doubt and wait to make any judgments until I see it, but — we’re clear on how this looks from the outset, right?
A Boston man kidnaps the person he suspects is behind the disappearance of his young daughter and her best friend.
Hugh Jackman and a pretty badass poster.
Jake Gyllenhaal is in this, Paul Dano, Maria Bello, Terrence Howard, Viola Davis, Melissa Leo — that’s pretty fucking good.
This sounds like this script was on the Black List one of those years, off the top of my head, and they got the director of Incendies to do it. They love bringing in foreign talent for these things.
Honestly, with that cast and the late September date — I’m gonna go 3.5 stars. I almost went 3 saying it could go up to 3.5 but fuck it, I’m taking a shot and saying 3.5 stars. Let’s live. It sounds like it could be a solid thriller, and I hope it is one. That cast has to count for something.
This was announced for last year, but they hadn’t shot it in January, and I think at the last minute they said 2013, so I took it off my 2012 Release Calendar. Either that or it’s on there, but I said it’s almost certainly gonna be 2013. Either way —
Ron Howard is directing, and it’s about F-1 driver Niki Lauda coming back after a horrible crash to face his rival James Hunt at the 1976 Championship in Japan.
I smell some sound nominations at next year’s Oscars!
They love car racing movies.
Daniel Brühl (who most people know as the young German soldier from Inglourious Basterds) and Chris Hemsworth are the stars. Brühl is Lauda and Hemsworth is Hunt. Olivia Wilde is in it and Natalie Dormer is in it too. I guess they’re the love interets. Peter Morgan wrote the script and I remember hearing for the longest time that Russell Crowe was gonna cameo as Richard Burton, but something tells me that won’t happen.
Anyway — this could be really good, or I could not give a shit about it. 3.5 stars is a baseline figure, and I’m wondering if I want to go up to 4 stars or not. Those two seem like the main options, and if it’s disappointing, it’ll be 3 stars. This is right in Ron Howard’s wheelhouse, and I trust Peter Morgan. I think I’ll keep it 3.5 stars and hope I like it enough to make it 4. That seems like the best option.
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones 3D
Oh, yeah… this is happening.
Just wanted to warn you in advance.
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2
I love the amount of animated movies that are coming out this year. I’m pretty sure I said this shit before 2012 — just fucking put those out. They always make money.
I love it when Hollywood does what I say. I mean, it’s not great for me, but it’s nice to know that they did what I said.
Anyway — it’s a sequel to the first one. The first one was 3 stars, and I imagine this is more likely to be 2.5 stars. And if it’s enjoyable enough, maybe 3 stars again. But honestly, I don’t give a fuck about this, so let’s assume indifference and make it work to get anything more.
I’m pretty excited for this one. It’s written by Brian Koppelman and David Levien, who did Rounders, and Knockaround Guys and Runaway Jury and Solitary Man — mostly writing, but they directed Knockaround Guys and Koppelman did Solitary Man. Anyway, it’s about —
A businessman who owns an offshore gambling operation finds his relationship with his protégé reaching a boiling point.
I thought it was about Justin Timberlake as a dude who loses all his money to Ben Affleck (Affleck runs the gambling operation), and goes over there to get revenge by beating him at his own game. Either way — Timberlake stars, Affleck is the antagonist, Anthony Mackie plays a cop, Gemma Arterton is the love interest — I trust the writers, they know poker, they have a good track record, the stars are solid, it has a nice release date —
3.5 stars and I hope for more. This looks solid all around, and I hope it’s incredible. Can’t wait for this one.
Stallone and Schwarzenegger. That says it all, doesn’t it?
But no, it doesn’t. Because this actually has a really great premise.
Sylvester Stallone is a structural engineer who is wrongly convicted of a crime. So he’s sent to prison. However — it’s a prison that he built. And his cellmate is Schwarzenegger. So they have to escape together. Naturally, he built the prison to be escape-proof, and has to beat his own design. Jim Caviezel plays the sadistic warden, Vinnie Jones plays his henchman guard, and 50 Cent plays a computer expert who helps the two break out.
This sounds fucking great, doesn’t it?
I’m gonna go 3.5 stars, even though 3 stars seems most likely. But fuck it — I’m excited as shit to see this, and I spent the entire summer not giving a fuck about all that stuff that came out. I want a chance to get overly excited about something, and if it means being half a star off on this one, so be it. I love this kind of shit, and I can’t fucking wait to see this movie.
(P.S. This is the movie that gave us this photo.)
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September was actually pretty good. And tomorrow is October. I hope it doesn’t suck.