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Fun with Franchises: The Lord of the Rings – The Two Towers (2002), Part V — “This Is Why You Can’t Blame Godzilla For Any of the Shit He Did”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Part V.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Lord of the Rings franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers:

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We begin Part V just as the good shit is about to happen:

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I love this shot. I love the idea that they’re just waiting out here for the battle to start. Because that’s what it is, right? These old timey battles, they didn’t just start willy nilly. The people must have been waiting there, and the other people waltzed up, and then they fought. But since you don’t know exactly what time they’re coming, you just have to wait outside until they do.

This is really the surprise party of warfare.

Colin:

Why isn’t anyone boiling oil? Nobody’s doing anything. I guarantee there are ways they could make themselves more ready for this.

That might be my favorite subtitle possibility of the franchise: “Why Isn’t Anyone Boiling Oil?”

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Love this shot.

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Colin:

This is so much better at night than it would have been during the day.

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“You could have picked a better spot.”

Colin:

Short people got no reason to live.

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“Whatever luck you live by, let’s hope it lasts the night.”

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“Your friends are with you, Aragorn.”

Are they? I wasn’t sure. Thanks for letting me know.

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“Let’s hope they last the night.”

He does realize he’s partially speaking about himself in the third person, right?

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Wouldn’t be a battle without rain, would it?

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I like that reaction. “Huh… it’s raining now.”

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This is fucking great, though. It’s just raining and they’re standing there.

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This must have been a bitch to shoot.

And yet… that’s what makes it great. Because if you put this in the wrong hands (Lucas), this could have sucked.

Colin:

This battle, but — wait for it — with droids!

“Meesa come back on the fifth day from-a that direction.”

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Colin:

This is some Takashi Miike shit. He loves ending movies with showdown battles, and there’s pretty much always some crazy weather to go with it. Sukiyaki Western Django, Crows Episode Zero, 13 Assassins

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Colin:

I want to be this guy in any hand-to-hand battle. If it’s a gunfight, the one yelling on top of the rock is the first to get taken out. But in a hand-to-hand fight like this, he gets to look like the most enthusiastic one of all, while remaining safely toward the back on top of this rock. This is smart.

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Telling you… that’s the only way to go into battle.

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“What’s happening out there?”

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“Shall I describe it to you, or would you like me to find you a box?”

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“Ahhhh.”

Colin:

John Rhys-Davies’ laugh here is the best thing ever.

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Now there’s a cut.

Colin:

This orc is doing a great steam engine impression.

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I love that the orcs are psyching themselves up and stomping the yard in anticipation for this fight.

The only thing missing is this.

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“Oh fuck.”

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Did you know they make shower heads that simulate rainfall? Instead of the single head, it’s just a rectangle that makes the water come down like rain, and it’s awesome.

Norm

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Honestly it was going to start somehow. At least you know dude has good aim.

Colin:

I’m confused. What exactly is the problem with him shooting that guy? Is something going on in the background that they’re stalling for? Is there a reason they want the orcs to continue stomping the yard instead of attacking? How was this going to play out otherwise? They’d just do the stomping thing for another two minutes and THEN attack?

Exactly. Plus, that kind of accuracy at that age is something that can’t be… taut.

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Wait, is that Hama? I see Hamas, son of Hama, next to him. Does that make this Hama?

Is this… Hama time?

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“So it begins.”

(Is that bearded Matt Damon back there?)

(Also, has Matt Damon ever had a beard?)

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Someone falling over like that is usually funny.

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The orcs are going nuts and they’re still just standing there.

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I love that line. Because you know they’re all skilled enough to take advantage of that.

Colin:

Legolas has fought these guys once before, so he knows what’s up. But that is the cool part — he could have told them that the orcs’ left nostril was their weak point, and one of the elves would have been like, “Their left, or our left?” And it’s always their left.

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“FIRE!”

Colin:

Ew, was eye socket guy really needed here? I didn’t need the reminder that the Middle Ages fucking sucked.

His roommates at Middle Earth college must have pulled the worst pranks on him when he passed out.

Though, that line is probably more like…. “F-eye-re.”

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I love this shot too. Because would you trust anyone to actually not hit you when firing like that? These motherfuckers know what they’re doing.

Colin:

Gimli asks if they hit anything. Like he hasn’t seen Legolas perform fucking open heart surgery with an arrow from 200 yards like 17 times.

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This is also pretty funny… what exactly are the front line guys gonna do? Just start chipping away at the wall?

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Or… that.

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Colin:

The elves are all badasses, but apparently they can’t dodge arrows.

I want to see the scenes where they plan out the battle. They have to sit down and devise strategy. Why don’t movies ever show that?

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Colin:

Did nobody ever teach these guys about boiling oil and shit? Ever play that computer game series, Stronghold? You could build castles and defend them against attacks and shit. I’d always coat the ground with pitch, wait until the attacking army was on top of it and then light that shit up.

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How awesome would it be to be the dude riding the ladder?

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“RAHH!”

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Stab.

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Wilhelm scream!

Colin:

Wilhelm scream!

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That was awesome.

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“Two already.”

Colin:

You don’t boast about two.

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“I’m on seventeen.”

It’s always seventeen.

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Reaction shots.

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That’s great. “What? Seventeen?” And then he axes a dude in the nuts.

Colin:

IN THE NUTSACK!

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Just takes out two guys in a single shot.

Colin:

 I never bought this fight. Gimli actually wins in the end, but look at Legolas. He’s killing dudes nonstop. Do have to wonder where he’s getting new arrows.

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And Aragorn takes out a ladder.

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Too bad there are a dozen more.

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Anyway…

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There’s still the matter of this shit.

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Imagine having to stand there as a group of foreigners were talking in their native language for an hour and you had to stay there because their decision involves your future.

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“We have just agreed –”

This is the Ent version of, “You are aware…”

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“Yes?”

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“We have agreed you are not orcs.”

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“Well that’s good news.”

“And what about Saruman?”

I guess that part is an… Entmoot point.

(Note: I left this in, because when I made it, I didn’t know Colin would also make a moot point pun. But just so we’re clear, his completely blows mine out of the water. But more puns is always better. Much more… ent-ertaining.)

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“Now, don’t be hasty, Master Merriodoc.”

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“Our friends are out there.”

Somewhere out there?

“They need our help. They cannot fight this war on their own.”

Colin:

Goddamn old people. Sometimes you want to yell at them to get to the fucking point.

Why did they even have to agree about Merry and Pippin? Gandalf already told Treebeard what was what, so Treebeard should have just told the Ent Moot that these two were chill.

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“You must understand, young hobbit, it takes a long time to say anything in old Entish, and we never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say.”

Colin:

Do you not all speak English? Speak English. I hate how narcissistic they are. “Yeah, I’m sure you got your problems, but we speak slowly, so…”

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I like this shot. We just cut back as Gimli counts from 17-21 in kills. That’s great. That instantly makes a scene better, when a dude is just counting his kills as he goes along.

Colin:

Gimli’s got the hot spot right here. This is how you do work.

Oooh, I really like that as a subtitle, too.

Or rather, as a statement. That’s a perfect complement to “This is why you have people.” This is how you do work.

Do work, have people. That’s it.

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This is nice. Like the formation, like the idea behind it.

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The great thing about this is how small this whole thing really is. That door is like, ten feet high. And when you watch the movie, you think this is this big, epic thing. Meanwhile this entire battle is happening in the span of like, a football field.

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“Is this it? Is this all you can conjure, Saruman?”

Colin:

I legit say this at work when I complete a task that was easier than expected.

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Good timing, Theoden.

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Favorite dude in the franchise.

For several reasons – first, that run. With the torch. It’s like an Olympics opening ceremony.

Colin:

Yeah! The Olympics are starting!

Second –

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Shot in the shoulder – doesn’t give a FUCK!

Third –

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Shot in the other shoulder. STILL doesn’t give a fuck!

Colin:

Sucks that this is the one guy that Legolas can’t take out in one shot. Usually, he kills bad uruks with one arrow, even through armor. This one has no armor, takes two and keeps going.

Fourth —

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Tally ho!

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That was his purpose – to do this one thing. And that motherfucker did it.

He should go down as a fucking badass on all sides of this tale. That’s a motherfucker that got shit done.

Favorite character in the franchise.

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Well that’s not good.

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Big fan of the one random body that’s flying around.

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Maybe wait to run in until the torrent of water has subsided.

Colin:

This explosion happened on the drain, where the water is. What if it ruptured the water main, and all the people hiding in the caves underground got Keira’ed?

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Colin:

It’s awesome how the battering ram ripples through the formation of orcs, and how you see their shields go up and spread out.

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Colin:

I guess rocks would do it, but seriously…why didn’t you just coat that whole ramp in grease before the battle? You don’t even have to light it on fire – just coat it with grease and get ready to play the Benny Hill Theme as soon as any orcs try to run up it.

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I guess you can say it’s now Helm’s… Shallow.

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“Mo-hp.”

Colin:

Aragorn got knocked the fuck out.

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YEAH GIMLI!

Colin:

Gimly may take the tally ho award for this film. There were an awful lot of pikes pointing straight up and he jumped right in the middle of them.

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“Shoot these fucks!”

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Love this shot. You see all the arrows go forward and not once does anyone even think Aragorn is gonna get hit.

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Colin:

It’s pretty cool how Aragorn can lead elves or men, and how he adjusts his style to whoever he’s with. This little pose he does before charging…is not something men do.

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Colin:

But why would he have them charge so soon? Wouldn’t you take advantage of the distance between them by ordering another volley or two? Seems like he’s just leaving arrows on the table.

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Wouldn’t you hate to be that guy who charged right into the end of a spear?

Colin:

One of these elves was clearly never taught to not just run right the fuck into the end of a pike.

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This is so stupid, and yet works completely.

Colin:

This Legolas moment is possibly too badass to be taken seriously. He’s snowboarding down some steps on an orc’s shield, killing three orcs with his bow before launching the shield into an orc’s throat. He then stabs an orc and shoots another with the same arrow. At least they weren’t playing California Girls.

I like that you know that link is gonna end up in a moment like this, one way or another.

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The Ents aren’t going to war.

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“How can that be your decision?”

Holy fuck? What’s with that face?

Colin:

Treebeard and Pippin still don’t seem to understand that we play the game for keeps.

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They beg for help. Treebeard tells them their part in this tale is over and to go home.

Colin:

This one on the right has the best beard/mustache thing going on. He’s like the Dr. Robotnik of ents.

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But also, in a way, their part in this tale is over, since they don’t really do all that much. Well… Merry does some good out in battle against the Witch King, and I guess Pippin has a moment or two lighting the beacons… but essentially they don’t really need to be here.

You know it’s hard out here for a Pip, when he tryin’ to get some help from the Ents.

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Pippin says they might as well just go home.

“The fires of Isengard will spread, and the woods of Tuckborough and Buckland will burn. And all that was once great and good in this world will be gone. There won’t be a Shire, Pippin.”

Colin:

It’s funny how at this point, Isengard is still their worry. Not even Mordor. Like Isengard isn’t an extension of Mordor for all intents and purposes.

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Uh oh. Legolas brought out the knives. Y’all done fucked up now.

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The Keep of Helm’s Deep?

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That’s great. Gimli’s like, “Why are you stopping me? I want to kill bitches.”

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“What the fuck? What is this liquid? This is a thing that happens?”

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Colin:

He got merc’ed.

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“NOOO!”

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I love a good forearm shiver.

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“I never saw Venice.”

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Colin:

As I said before, Haldir isn’t supposed to be here, let alone die here. As far at the books go, he’s still alive. If he and Aragorn were REALLY such good friends, he probably wouldn’t have been such a dick in Ralph Lorien. He’d have shown up and been like, “Yo Aragorn, y’all need to come see my boss.” But then, they seem to have changed his boss from Galadriel to Elrond. Why couldn’t they just get a new elf?

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Apparently that’s the elven symbol of friendship. Chest to chest or something.

Because to me it looks like hands, touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you…

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AND NOW IT’S TIME TO FUCK BITCHES UP!

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Colin:

THAT’S A PUNCH!

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All it takes is a friend getting killed for you to hulk out and do something crazy reckless. That’s what movies have taught me.

Colin:

Not only is the wall breached, but there are already orcs on top of the wall as well. And Aragorn decides to ride this ladder down to the outside of the wall where there are even MORE orcs? Dude, now you’re just being crazy.

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They’ve breached the gate.

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These motherfuckers is everywhere.

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Theoden gets stabbed and harpoons a guy. That’s really the only proper way to get stabbed. Unless you’re a ninja burglar, in which case the proper way to get stabbed is to not make a sound.

Colin:

Theoden takes one in the chest. Not sure it actually touched him, though. Cause he doesn’t seem to be injured later.

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I also like how they pull him back to recoup. No one else gets that.

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“We can’t hold much longer!”

“Bitch, can’t you see I just got stabbed?”

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“Hold them!”

“How long do you need?”

“As long as you can give me.”

All that’s missing here is a, “Potter… It’s good to see you.”

Colin:

Why would this side door exist? It doesn’t even seem to be locked.

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I like that. Take Gimli and slip out the side entrance.

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What is this, Hagrid’s hut? Why does it have a side entrance?

You know what this randomly reminds me of? The bridge in The Mask where he finds the Mask.

I told you it was random.

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Black Friday.

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“Oooh, come on, we can take ‘em!”

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“It’s a long way.”

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“Toss me.”

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“What?”

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“I cannot jump the distance, you’ll have to toss me!”

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“Don’t tell the elf.”

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“Not a word.”

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“EUUUAHHHH!”

Colin:

This is for the audience. 100 percent. Dwarf tossing? Just don’t tell Legolas.

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Tally ho!

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What if he didn’t make it? That would suck.

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I love that two people can take on about a hundred and be fine.

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Holy shit.

What kind of uruk engineers do you have?

Colin:

These ballistas are cool as shit. I want a ballista. I would fire it at everything.

China. He means China.

Colin:

Also yes.

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Jesus. They came prepared.

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My favorite part about these ladders is that they have those double hooks to catch and make sure they don’t fall. They really came prepared.

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This must have been so much fun to put together, as a model.

Imagine how much fun a Lego set of this would be.

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The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1408

Good thing we have Legolas, though.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1409

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1410

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1411

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1412

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1413

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1414

Colin:

There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who ride the ladder being held by a rope, and those who do the cutting.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1415

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1416

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1417

And he gets these two out of there.

Colin:

Legolas is strong as hell!

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1418

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1419

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1420

Wow… that sucks.

Colin:

THAT DUDE GOT BALLISTA’ED IN THE CHEST!

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1421

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1422

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1423

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1424

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1425

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1426

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1427

They’re in.

Colin:

It seems premature to fall back. They only break through the gate after the guys holding it in place run away.

I do really like that, though. Shots of a bunch of people storming a big, complex location. Storming an embassy is one thing. But this place — you got lots of places to spread out and loot.

Big fan of that.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1428

Treebeard is gonna take them to the western border of the forest. Pippin says to take them south, to Isengard.

So I guess he will be taking the hobbits to Isengard.

The closer they are to danger, the farther they are from harm.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1429

“That doesn’t make any sense to me, but then… you are very small.”

Colin:

I’ve had to say this at least three times a day since I moved to Japan.

Thlice.

Colin:

Collect.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1430

“I always like going south. Somehow it feels like going downhill.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1431

Oh hey… remember Frodo? This is a film about Frodo.

(A+ to whoever gets that reference.)

Colin:

How many times have I been like, “Oh right. Frodo and Sam are in these movies?”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1432

Osgiliath.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1433

“The ring will not save Gondor.”

Faramir doesn’t care. He still won’t let Frodo go.

When Frodo was in Gondor’s land (let my people go).

Colin:

Yet again, I want to ask Faramir exactly what he plans to do with the ring. How will he use it to defeat whole armies?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1434

Uh oh. Saruman killed a bunch of Treebeard’s friends.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1435

“A wizard should know better!”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1436

“NNNNOOOOOO!!!!!”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1437

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1438

(Basically.)

Colin:

And Pippin’s ruse comes to light. Treebeard’s yell that covers the whole forest is a lot like Indiana Jones’ scream after getting hit by the mirror in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1439

“There is no curse in Elvish, Entish or the tongues of men for this treachery.”

What about Esperanto? Have you tried Esperanto?

Colin:

“Have you tried ‘cunt?’ ‘Cunt’ is a really good one.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1440

Oh shit. It is on.

I don’t think he has enough… Saru-manpower to handle this.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1441

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1442

WAR OF THE TREES!!!

Colin:

He’s gonna call a couple o’ hard, pipe-hittin’ ents to go to work on the Homes here with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch the rock and stone.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1443

This is gonna be good.

Are we not… ent-ertained?

(It’s hard to tell if I’ve stopped trying or have never tried at all.)

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1444

“It is likely that we go to our doom. Last march of the Ents.”

That’s pretty great, that line. There’s so much behind it.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1445

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1446

What if you woke up and the trees were just coming at your place like this?

This is some Macbeth shit.

Colin:

Wild SUDOWOODO appeared!

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1447

Osgiliath.

Colin:

I love that they’re fighting in the ruins of this city. This used to be the capital of Gondor, by the way.

I like that the ruins of their capital are now a military garrison. Imagine that concept. It’s genius.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1448

Also pretty great that Mordor is just sending people constantly to attack this place. Just like, “Ehh, we haven’t sent anybody in a week. Send 200 guys.” And they just attack, and Gondor has to fight them off.

Big fan of that.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1449

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1450

Frodo’s blacking out.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1451

“MII-IIKE!”

Colin:

MIII-IIIIIIIKE!

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1452

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1453

“Take them to my father.”

That bitch ass steward?

Colin:

As he will forever be remembered.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1454

“You wanna know what happened to Boromir? You want to know why your brother died? He tried to take the ring from Frodo! After swearing an oath to protect him! He tried to kill him! The ring drove your brother mad!”

Colin:

The way Sam phrases this, it sounds like Frodo killed him.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1455

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1456

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1457

Oh… we lost Pvt. Jackson.

Colin:

Did Parker get out?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1458

You’re telling me Gollum can’t shimmy those cuffs off?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1459

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1460

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1461

“They’re here. They’ve come.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1462

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1463

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1464

Nazgul.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1465

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1466

Colin:

Oh no. It’s them.

Oh, what a great moment that was. That was one of those moments where I was completely serious and didn’t even recognize that what I said was hilarious.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1467

This part was humorous to me, because last time we saw this, they broke in and were just fucking EVERYTHING up. And now it’s like — some of them are still fighting, but mostly shit is calm, some people are taking a break… it’s not as intense as it was an hour ago.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1468

Theoden’s acting like a bitch. Aragorn refuses to give up.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1469

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1470

“So much death… what can men do against such reckless hate?”

Uhh… kill it before it gets to the children?

He’s turned into Slughorn. This motherfucker can’t do anything.

Colin:

Never liked Theoden. At least when he was a vegetable, he was malleable.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1471

“Ride out with me. Ride out and meet them.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1472

“For death and glory?”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1473

“For Rohan.”

Colin:

Aragorn’s got no point here, though, unless he’s already thinking of Gandalf showing up.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1474

But wait a minute…

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1475

Gandalf. First light on the fifth day. Dawn. Look to the east.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1476

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1477

“Yes. Yes!”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1478

“The Horn of Helm Hammerhand will sound in the deep, one last time!”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1479

“Let this be the hour when we draw swords together.”

Which is a pretty great line, since they are the two kings of the biggest cities of men in Middle Earth.

And because they did that like four times already.

Colin:

Let’s see if Gandalf comes through this time. Or maybe he was delayed again.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1480

Colin:

Now THERE’S a tuba.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1481

Colin:

Is that vertical tube where the sound comes out? I like that a cloud comes out of it, like the vibrations stirred up all the dust that had settled inside.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1482

“Now for wrath, now for ruin, and the red dawn!”

Colin:

Gimli’s gonna let you do the fighting; he’s practicing scales.

He’s getting ready for his speech. Because as we all know, it’s… Gimli liberty or Gimli death.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1483

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1484

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1485

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1486

Colin:

How are these horses not tripping everywhere?

They only took like a half a tab each. Supplies are limited.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1487

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1488

That’s a shitload of orcs for so little to be happening around this inner area.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1489

Fuck all y’all motherfuckers. We got horses.

Colin:

People on horseback always seem to have some crazy advantage over those who aren’t. I’m confused. Why wouldn’t you just crouch, and take out one of the horse’s legs as they ride by? Does that not work? You’d be too low to be hit by their sword and you’d probably send them flying off their mount.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1490

Colin:

It’s nice that everyone stops when Gandalf shows up, cause otherwise Aragorn would have been chopped up while he was just standing there, grinning like an idiot.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1491

Oh yeah!

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1492

“Theoden, king, stands alone.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1493

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1494

“Not alone.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1495

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1496

Oh shit, the Rohirrim are here and they’re not gonna show any… Eo-mercy.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1497

Telling you… the only way to go into battle.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1498

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1499

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1500

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1501

Colin:

That’s…kind of a steep hill for horses to charge down, no?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1502

One, I love this shot. And two, what’s that like, looking up and seeing about a thousand horses bearing down at you?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1503

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1504

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1505

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1506

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1507

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1508

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1509

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1510

Colin:

Why did I think it was Gandalf who shines the light on them? It’s just the dawn cresting the ridge at that exact moment that blinds these orcs.

Because he does it in the next movie. I always just sort of figured he had something to do with it too.

But in actuality, that’s nature’s way of saying, “Remember when he said he’d be here at dawn? Yeah, right as the sun crests over that hill, this motherfucker will start destroying motherfuckers.” A wizard does arrive precisely when he means to.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1511

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1512

He just shadowFUCKED YOU UP!

Colin:

But again, with the pikes. Amazing that all of them aren’t skewered. Like wild boars. Or Daniel Craig’s lamb.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1513

Tree time!

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1514

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1515

Colin:

This scene is hilarious to me. This is also why you can’t blame Godzilla for any of the shit he did. What do you do when a bunch of little things are running everywhere? You fucking step on them.

This Is Why You Can’t Blame Godzilla For Any of the Shit He Did

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1516

I love that they’re just fucking LAUNCHING rocks at this tower.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1517

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1518

Punt!

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1519

Oh shit, he just lasso’d a tree.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1520

I guess all you can say is… Timber!

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1521

Colin:

Treebeard gets off a little bit with the hobbits throwing rocks at the orcs.

Some days you just can’t get rid of a rock.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1522

Colin:

Christopher Lee, you done fucked up now.

He shouldn’t have let his… Isen-guard, down.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1523

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1524

Imagine looking out into your front yard and the trees are rioting.

Or doing anything, really.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1525

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1526

Not the lifeguard tower!

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1527

The funny part — that bridge always looked like that. Because if there’s one thing I’ve noticed, evil places never take care of their wooden suspension bridges.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1528

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1529

I don’t know what I like better, that it just did that or that the tree has a beer belly.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1530

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1531

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1532

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1533

Tree on fire!

Oh, that reminds me…

One of my favorite shots in the franchise is coming up.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1534

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1535

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1536

I like how Saruman is just chilling and watching this shit happen out his side window. Because what else can you do?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1537

Colin:

“Break the dam! Release the Kraken river!”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1538

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1539

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1540

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1541

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1542

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1543

Look at that tree just tossing a motherfucker onto the rocks, to be taken away by all the water. That’s awesome.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1544

Also pretty weird that there’s just a damn here. I’m curious what that was beforehand. Because that’s a tall fucking dam. Was that gonna be a waterfall? Where was the river going? how long was it there? Did they plug it up so they could dig underground? Probably, right? Since there’s not really that much around this place that looks like a place where water flows to and from. And later on, when we see it in the next movie, it’s just sort of flooded. The ground gets filled up, and then there’s just water up to the ankles all around the place. We don’t ever see it flowing anywhere or anything. It’s just sort of there. So my question is, what kind of river is this and why is the damn so fucking big?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1545

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1546

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1547

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1548

Looks like a There Will Be Blood pipeline. Is Saruman stealing oil on the down-low?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1549

Colin:

Oh. This part should probably be censored in Japan.

Because of Hiroshima?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1550

That tree running to put himself out is just so funny to me. He’s like Joe Pesci in Home Alone.

Colin:

Go get your pine box?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1551

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1552

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1553

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1554

Colin:

All of this shit is so obviously CGI, and yet I don’t care at all. In fact, the underground construction stuff kind of reminds me of Fraggle Rock, which is never a bad thing.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1555

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1556

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1557

This is kind of a lot of water. I still don’t really see where it was supposed to be flowing to.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1558

Frodo’s still going hassa hassa.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1559

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1560

Does no one notice the midget staggering around?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1561

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1562

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1563

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1564

Colin:

Well, shit.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1565

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1566

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1567

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1568

This is a real creepy set of shots. Since… what’s going on? Doesn’t he want the ring? Why is Frodo just standing there and putting it on?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1570

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1571

There’s a shot.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1572

He just fucking tackles him, that’s great.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1573

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1574

Colin:

IN THE HEART

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1575

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1576

Dude, he saved you. No need to pull out Sting.

Colin:

Sting looks nice. But why does he have it now? Weren’t their weapons confiscated?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1577

“It’s me. It’s your Sam.”

“Your” Sam?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1578

“Don’t your know your Sam?”

This is like the end of Deer Hunter.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1579

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1580

“I can’t do this, Sam.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1581

“I know. It’s all wrong. But rights, we shouldn’t even be here. But we are.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1582

“It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really matter. Full of darkness and danger, they are. Sometimes you don’t even want to know the ending. Because how could the end be happy?”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1583

“How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened?”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1584

“But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, the shadow.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1585

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1586

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1587

Colin:

She isn’t allowed to kiss him.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1588

“Even darkness must pass. A new day will come.”

Colin:

I’m not really listening to you, Sean Astin. I’m sorry.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1589

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1590

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1591

“And when the sun shines, it’ll shine out the clearer.”

Colin:

The wide shot of Isengard looks pretty good.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1592

“Those were the stories that stayed with you, that meant something, even if you were too small to understand it.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1593

“I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. The folk in those stories, they had lots of chances to turn back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding onto something.”

Colin:

Is this supposed to be the Oscar speech?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1594

“What are we holding onto, Sam?”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1595

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1596

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1597

“That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1598

It’s not “our dicks.” I really thought it was gonna be “our dicks.”

Too soon?

Colin:

“What are we holding onto, Sam?” I can only imagine what George Lucas would think up as a response for Sam here. I bet it’d be, “Each other.”

Like they did on Naboo in the Shire.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1599

How Precious. Amirite?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1600

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1601

“I think, at last, we understand one another, Frodo Baggins.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1602

“Really? Because there’s not really all that much to understand. Either you’re gonna let me go or you’re not.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1603

“You know the laws of your country, the laws of your father. If you let them go, your life will be forfeited.”

This seems arbitrary.

Colin:

Faramir hasn’t told anyone else about the ring. I guess it was just the people that witnessed whatever Gollum said. And only Faramir came in and saw the ring himself. So…why is he held responsible for something that nobody else can really confirm?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1604

I like how Gollum is invested in this.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1605

“Then it is forfeited. Release them.”

All right. Arbitrary, but at least he’s a good dude.

Colin:

And he’s better than his brother.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1606

“Sauron’s wrath will be terrible, his retribution, swift.”

He’s gonna write a song about them.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1607

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1608

“The battle for Helm’s Deep is over. The battle for Middle Earth is about to begin.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1609

“All our hopes now lie with two little hobbits, somewhere in the wilderness.”

Colin:

Hah. Good luck with that.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1610

I like these trees.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1611

Sam starts talking about how he wonders if they’ll ever be put into stories. If kids will ever ask to hear about “Frodo and the ring.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1612

“You’ve left out one of the chief characters – Samwise the Brave.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1613

“Frodo wouldn’t have gone far without Sam.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1614

“Now Mr. Frodo, you shouldn’t make fun, I was being serious.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1615

“So was I.”

Oh, just fuck already.

Colin:

Frodo seems to change his opinion on Sam every 15 minutes. How far into the next film is it before he sends Sam home?

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1616

Oh, right. We need our cliffhanger.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1617

Gollum tells Smeagol to kill the filthy little hobbitses so they can takes back the Precious.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1618

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1619

“The fat hobbit. He knows. His eyes are always watching.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1620

“Then we stomps them out. Put out his eyeses.”

Colin:

More movies need the line, “Put out his eyeses.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1621

“Yes!”

Colin:

Andy Serkis deserves all the praise he got for this. The CGI could have been better, but I’m so glad they did it with motion capture. This guy is fucking GOOD.

This whole scene makes me happy. Plus, one take.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1622

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1623

“We could let her do it.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1624

“Come on, hobbits! Long ways to go yet!”

Colin:

Never trust someone who acts so friendly after you’ve just betrayed them.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1625

“Smeagol will show you the way.”

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1626

“Follow me…”

Colin:

Put a knife through his windpipe right now.

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1627

The Lord of the Rings The Two Towers - 1628