Fun with Franchises: The Twilight Saga – Eclipse (2010), Part I — “Don’t You Bring Robert Frost Into Your Bullshit”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, The Twilight Saga. Today we start Eclipse.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Twilight franchise, and today is the first part of Eclipse:

Liking that they’re doing this personalized logo thing.

(Someone wants to be Harry Potter.)

Colin:

Time for the third Twilight film. I have no idea why there’s even a second film, let alone a third. I just can’t wait to see how much I love this one. Subjecting myself to this is sort of like a victim of domestic violence repeatedly coming back, but only so they can blog about it.

That’s a pretty boring opening shot.

Colin:

Whaddaya know? It’s raining.

This movie opening is the opposite of a joke — a guy walks out of a bar.

That’s how you know it’s going to be shitty.

Who is this fucker?

Oh… I can already guess.

You watch enough movies and you already know the progression.

Whenever you meet someone whose name you aren’t immediately told at the beginning of the movie – they’re not important and are most likely setting up for someone you do know.

So this fucker is about to be turned by Victoria.

Colin:

Please let this guy get hit by a car.

Or a person. Vampire? Let’s say vampire.

This is like a Hong Kong action movie.

I’m a ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost

“Who’s there?”

You idiot.

Colin:

Hey, this is a new douchebag. What douchebag is this? I wanna say it like Daniel Day Lewis after he takes down the guy who tries to murder him at the theater. “WHOSE DOUCHEBAG ARE YOU?!”

At what point do you think the person is just gonna go, “I’m there” and introduce themselves to you?

(Which – why hasn’t anybody done that? Start off menacing, then, “Oh, no, it’s me,” and they have a nice chat and everything, and then they kill them.)

Colin:

Throat.

I know he’s not a badass, otherwise right now he’d say, “Go ahead… trach my day.”

EUAHHH!

He’s getting thrown around like this redhead’s stepchild.

Nice siding.

Colin:

You just got thrown across a street by your throat, and slammed into a solid wall. I don’t think you get up after that.

You’re probably right. Just like the hookers on Sesame Street he’d probably be… down, for the Count.

This isn’t fair at all. You’re just toying with him.

Colin:

Hah. Yes. Run, run from this vampire. That always works.

Is he running to a boat?

I guess we’re… a-boat, to find out.

Fucking dive into the water. Why not?

Colin:

From what I can tell, it… a-piers, to be too high.

“What do you want?!”

“Pain.”

Apparently to take a bite out of his wrist.

Colin:

Drive-by biting. Seems like fun. This vampire apparently has no issues just biting once.

Again, though – kind of weird that they’re doing it this way. Fucking drive-by biting. Just bite his fucking neck from behind. Doesn’t he see who you are anyhow? What’s the point of doing it like this?

(Also, Victoria, and this location… Boats and Hoes indeed.)

Acting.

When it comes to Oscar performances, I really have to… hand, it to this guy.

How many fucking fangs does she have?

I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!

This is usually what I’m like after I watch these movies.

And then boom, title card.

Kind of a fan of these titles, too.

I also like that they’re not going out of their way to say “Twilight” in the titles, as well.

Colin:

Oh, you guys, I get it. It’s an eclipse.

That was kind of a random opening scene. But I understand it.

I also don’t like to go into a Twilight movies before I’ve had a few… Biers.

You gotta stop with these fucking trees, though.

When it comes to these shots, I really think they ought to… leave, me alone.

“Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice.”

Fire does 2x damage against Ice.

“From what I’ve tasted of desire – I hold with those who favor fire.”

Well thanks for telling us that. I’ll make a note in the ledger.

Colin:

Are these all going to start with establishing shots of the Pacific Northwest and a Kristen Stewart voiceover? Cause if so, you lose already.

Can we stop repeating shots?

I mean, I like these shots, but seriously, can we not repeat them? How about we find a new location.

Then again, this entire franchise takes place within about three square miles, save two trips to other places. So I guess I understand. Maybe find new ways to show us the space, though.

I don’t really care how. I’m willing to… field, suggestions.

“But if I had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate, to say that for destruction, ice is also great.”

Well that’s quite the… Frost-y, introduction.

Colin:

Wait a minute. I know this. This is Robert Frost. DON’T YOU BRING ROBERT FROST INTO YOUR BULLSHIT!

Don’t You Bring Robert Frost Into Your Bullshit

She’s trying to study for an English final.

Never had an English final that involved poem memorization before.

Also, it’s school. Who gives a fuck? Go get the dick.

Colin:

Seriously, I learned next to nothing in English class all those years. I learned how to write. That’s one thing. I learned some vocabulary words. There’s another thing. But if you asked me to recite some shit I had to memorize from an English class, like Shakespeare or whatever, I’d be lost. “Alas, poor Yorick. By any other name…the guy stunk worse than fucking Denmark.” That’s about where I’m at these days.  

You’re talking to someone who is the first person to bring up how useless that class was. The more I think about it, the more I think there might be more to it, since it did introduce me to certain books and stuff, but generally, the class is useless because there is no structure to it and it’s way too easy for kids to not read the books, which is contributing to making this country dumber. So, I’d say — in high school, I’m cool with English. College, though — complete waste of a major. It’s so bullshit. And I have a degree in that major. It’s such horse shit.

Colin:

They just kiss an awful lot. Isn’t it sunny? Why isn’t he shiny? This is the meadow that she was dreaming about in the last movie, isn’t it? Is this shit over yet?

Sparkly.

Colin:

There. He sparkled.

“Marry me.”

“No.”

Credits.

“Marry me.”

Somehow I knew her response to “Marry me” was going to include that.

“Change me.”

Rabbit season.

Colin:

Mike wins at life for making that reference. Seriously, that made my day. And if it didn’t make yours, you need to buy the Looney Tunes Golden Collection. Volume 1, Disc 2. Episode 13. Watch that shit.

I thought I won at life for having that comparison be exactly what is going on right now between the two of them. But I’ll take it.

Colin:

Oh, of course. This is exactly what’s that was. Even the setting is close.

Well, there’s one thing we can agree on for this franchise. It’s certainly never… fuck season.

“Okay, I will if you marry me. It’s called a compromise.”

I – have nothing to say about that. That’s actually what it’s called.

“It’s called coercion. It’s not fair.”

I don’t understand the holdup. He says he’ll do it, and you still don’t want to marry him? What do you have against marriage? Aren’t you planning on spending the rest of eternity with him anyway? Clearly he believes in this even if you don’t, so just humor him.

You’re just being… sacra-mental.

“Marriage is just a piece of paper.”

EXACTLY!

Colin:

Marriage is just a piece of paper? Or is it something to show you love someone? Funny, those both sound like reasons to support (or at the very least, allow) gay marriage. But some of the money made from the Twilight franchise went to the Mormon Church through tithing, and that undoubtedly large sum was in the coffers when the LDS folks mobilized to fight Prop 8 in California. Even if they didn’t donate directly, the church did fund mobilization efforts. So there you have it. Twilight has, in some way or another, support anti-gay activism, and just about anything else LDS officially supports.

Meyer has commented that her Mormonism is too often a target; that nobody says anything about Jon Stewart being Jewish. The difference is that no matter how many times I watch The Daily Show, Israel doesn’t see a dime. If he was giving semi-compulsory and regular donations of his income to Israel and that money was making a difference in funding the missiles used to kill Palestinian civilians…I think we might be talking about his religion, too.

On a related note… why must he always wear that stupid fucking arm band?

You know the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.

“Where I’m from, it’s the way one says, “I love you.”

Well, for a 110-year old, it makes sense that he’d have such… old-fashioned values.

“Where I come from, at my age, it’s the way one says, “I just got knocked up.”

You oughta get knocked up…side the fucking head because you’re such a fucking bitch.

(That wasn’t a pun. That was a sincere sentiment.)

(I sin-seriously want her to be hit upside the fucking head with a croquet mallet.)

(Heather Swan.)

“So… you’re worried about what people will think?”

“You know, two-thirds of marriages end in divorce.”

Yeah… something tells me you’re not gonna have that problem.

“I think you’ll find the vampire/human divorce rate is a little lower.”

Because they murder them.

She still won’t marry him.

Cocktease.

“I have to be back by four.”

Colin:

Didn’t she spend the whole last movie agonizing over him and how she wanted to be with him forever? She finally got him back, he’s proposing constantly, and she has to be BACK BY 4??? Bella Swan, you are the most insufferable cock tease in the history of shiterature.

I’m surprised she didn’t slip on a flower and break her fucking femur.

That would have been a real… field, trip.

Does he jizz sparkles? How often does he masturbate? He can clearly get it up. Can vampires have children? Does that mean Carlisle has had a vasectomy or has Esme been on the pill this whole time?

Colin:

We start the third film with a THIRD wave of killings and disappearances. I really don’t think she’s trying.

Also, the Washington Inquisitor is not a real paper. And I don’t trust a single paper called the “Inquisitor.”

That’s a great nickname for someone to have.

Though isn’t it funny that the chief of police is reading a paper for clues about murders and disappearances? You’d think he’d fucking do something about it. Instead he’s about to spend the film going, “Hmm… maybe I’ll find this one boy.”

Still awkward.

Colin:

Couldn’t she have stuck around a little longer and let Edward run her home super fast?

And miss this prime sitting around time? Not Likely.

Know what she’s thinking about right now?

I’ll give you the answer.

It’s a trick question.

He says she’s still grounded because he wants her to get some separation from Edward.

Colin:

Dad’s still drinking that beer. Nothing like beer at 4pm. On the dot. Notice how the depressing dad drinks a lot (which is bullshit, cause drinking’s awesome. In fact, I should do that tonight.) and the main protagonists never touch the stuff. Sounds like orc Mormon mischief to me. They should make some normal kid mistakes. And I’m even being generous calling booze a “mistake” to be made; she’s 18 years old. It’s just what’s done.

Orc Mormon Mischief.

I catch everything.

“Dad, there’s nothing you can say. Edward is in my life.”

Colin:

Edward’s in her life. If this were a lesser film, she’d have said she loved him. So I’ll give them credit for being less shitty than they could have been.

Drinking a beer is always the best reaction.

He makes her a deal – she’s ungrounded if she agrees to see some of her other friends. Like Jacob.

Colin:

It’s funny how he looks to be at a loss when he’s trying to come up with who her friends are.

But I accept this. Charlie’s good friends with Jacob’s dad, and he recognizes that some shit is up with Jacob. He’s trying to be a good parent (another thing a beer can help with) and have her help out someone who helped her out in the past. Good going, Charlie.

I miss Harry, though. His kung fu was strong. But not strong enough. :(

Well that was an easy decision.

Colin:

She’s got a cell phone again. And now Jacob does too? I see we’re finally moving into the 21st century.

Oh, I get it. Jacob won’t talk to her.

Colin:

I have a feeling this is going to be better than the first movie, and maybe even better (gasp!) than New Moon, which was only marginally better than the first movie. So that means this could get like…1.6 stars. But it’s still following the same formula — she starts out with shit working out, where she should be happy, but manages to find SOMETHING to be upset about and have a voiceover to discuss with us.

So did he not get a new piece of paper to write the note? You know she can read those old drafts, right?

Also, how come it doesn’t say ‘cunt’ on it?

Colin:

What is this note? Were they writing back and forth on the same piece of paper? The back and forth theory doesn’t work at all, though, based on what’s written. I also like how the paragraph that we can see at the top says, “We can’t be friends when you’re spending all your time with a bunch of…” And no more. It was gonna be “crackers,” wasn’t it?

I like that he wrote it on notebook paper.

I guess it’s acting as an… inter-Mead-iary.

This music is terrible.

Colin:

Why did nobody ever notice that her scar is obviously bite marks? Doctors recognize this shit. She was under intensive care at the hospital in the first movie when she was supposed to have flown through a window and got cut up. The doctors would have been like, “Okay…lacerations from glass…a broken leg…bite mark…wait, what?”

I was gonna make a pun, but I noticed those lights behind her in this shot and hoped for a second they were laser sights on giant fucking guns that were aimed at her in this exact moment.

The car won’t start.

Colin:

I’m still trying to get my head around this truck. Is there a significance to it? Did Stephenie Meyer have one of these growing up, or something? Cause I’m missing any other potential reasons for her to be driving it, and it’s a pretty noticeable vehicle.

Is someone about to get white girl nervous?

Colin:

Doesn’t start? Death.

Is someone about to get white girl raped?

“You scared me.”

“You’re going down to the reservation.”

Alice foresaw it.

They have a dumb conversation. “You can’t see him.” “I can do what I want.” “He’ll hurt you.” “No he won’t.” “They can’t control themselves.” “I can see him until graduation. Then I’ll be one of you and he’ll hate me.” Yawn.

Colin:

Listen to Edward. You can’t have two boys. None of this cockteasery.

I like how once graduation happens, that’s it. Everything is over.

Colin:

I guess she’s not going to college?

If she is, she better get her… ACT, together.

This shot is how I know the direction is back to being shitty.

Fifty… Slades, of it.

Anna Kendrick is valedictorian. Mike is writing her speech.

Colin:

They’re coming up with graduation speeches? I’m pretty sure no conversation ever went like this. Asian kid is now 30, I’m pretty sure. Too lazy to check. This movie is already eating into my fuck-giving reserves.

I love that phrase. “I’m already into my fuck-giving reserves.”

Fuck yo speech.

Also, this motherfucker gets hit in the head a lot.

Wait… they’re both smiling?

I think a black hole just opened up.

There are also two gingers back there.

“I’ve decided to throw a party.”

I feel like she’s always doing that.

Also, look at Jasper. He looks like he wants to ravage her.

“After all, how many times are we gonna graduate high school?”

“Ahhh.”

It’s a party at their place.

“I’ve never seen your house.”

That took the exact tone of “I want to go to there.”

Also, anyone else noticing that their skin doesn’t look as good in this movie?

Is it the HD cameras?

Colin:

So they ALL hang out now? That’s cooler than before, anyway. I like the Cullens interacting with real people. Still, what if one of the girls is menstruating and Jasper has to give her a rainbow kiss?

“It’ll be fun.”

“That’s what you said last time, Alice.”

Please don’t flash back to it. Please don’t.

Visions.

My favorite thing about this is how Bella immediately goes to draw attention away from it.

Shouldn’t they embrace it? Shouldn’t she pretend like she just spaced out, which would only add to her character?

And then he gives her that fake reassuring smile like, “I know she just foresaw that you were gonna get orc-raped, but I’m pretending like everything’s cool.”

I love that this is one of those towns where the police and fire departments are made of wood.

Colin:

Haha! He’s still in that Volvo. This is still a 2010 model, so it must be the same as the one from New Moon. Looks nice next to Charlie’s old Crown Vic.

Motherfucker doesn’t know how to park straight, though.

They wait for Charlie, who is talking to the parents of some missing kid.

Colin:

What a shitty town. The police chief is dealing with people. In real towns, the police chief is a buff guy who sits in an office with his jaw made of granite and he throws manilla folders down on the desk and yells at his subordinates to get results. Oh, and sometimes he’s called “Commissioner.”

Does he even have other people? I’ve seen no one else at this police station, ever.

“I know you know what she saw.”

“It was nothing.”

Tell her it was sexual. That’s how you make it go away.

But then she asks who the people Charlie is meeting with are, and he basically tells her anyway.

A bunch of unexplained disappearances. It’s pretty obviously vampires.

He says that if it gets too out of hand, the Volturi will step in, and maybe they’ll see that she’s still human…

Colin:

Wait, so is it like their job to handle shit in the tri-state area? Wouldn’t the Volturi be keeping tabs on them anyway? They seemed so chill at the end of New Moon, saying shit about how easy it was to trick the Volturi or hide stuff from them.

“It is just gonna be us two for dinner, right?”

He said it right in front of him, too.

Which is funny. Since — who cooks, there? Does he cook? Does he make her cook? Or is dinner them going to that diner?

Oh, and apparently Edward got her a “ticket” to see her mother. As a “graduation present.”

Colin:

Can’t he just read Charlie’s mind? Is that what he’s doing? He just made up this shit about the ticket on the spot, right?

“Well I can’t just drop everything and go.”

What exactly are you dropping? The bass? YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING!

“It might be your last chance to see her before you graduate.”

Which I kind of like, as a line. It does have layers.

She wants him to use the “companion” ticket.

I like this scene, conceptually. Someone makes up a lie to get someone out of danger or trouble or something, and the other person goes on with the lie and makes the other person have to go along with it to meet their terms.

I guess all’s… fare, in love and war.

“Wait, there’s two tickets?”

YEAH THERE ARE!!

Looks like he’s got two tickets… to Paradise, Florida.

Nice reaction.

“Super. That makes me really happy.”

Colin:

Charlie was stoked for a second. Get my daughter away from this dick. It’s like an alabaster obelisk of bad news.

Oh, hey, it’s Days of Heaven.

“I did want to see my mom.”

OH GOD THE FUCKING VOICEOVER AGAIN.

Colin:

Her legs really have…no shape at all. I can’t be the only person who notices this. This franchise would be so much easier to watch if I was into Kristen Stewart.

This franchise would be so much easier to watch if I was into cutting.

“I wanted to know that her life was full. And satisfying.”

Like, her sex life? Since when I hear the words “full” and “satisfying”…

Sure looks full and satisfying.

That’ll be me. I’ll be the person talking to my kid while also drinking.

Colin:

Mom seems like such a ditz. You’re better without her, Charlie.

Apparently she’s thinking of going to college in Alaska or some such shit she’s telling her mother.

Colin:

There’s a University of Alaska? I’m sorry, but I usually forget Alaska even exists.

But the way she’s talking about this is awfully…loose. Like, she’s about to graduate, and shit is decided, and Mom’s like, “Well, you could always go here.” People in movies are always so cavalier about how easily you can undo certain life choices. They’ve accepted you at this school, and you’ve told them you’re going. Providing Bella even APPLIED to schools in Florida and got accepted to them, it’s already past the time when she tells them she’s going. No, Mom, it’s too late for her to change her mind on this shit. Even in America, it would be easier to get an abortion than it would be to change where she’s going to college three months from now. Which is probably how it should be.

I love how it’s easier to get an abortion than to change colleges on short notice.

That is how it should be.

AMERICA.

Colin:

Wait, are the eagles here?

And Edward is creepily watching her.

“The way he’s watching you – it’s like he’s willing to leap in front of you and take a bullet or something.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

She tells her to make a decision that’s right for her. Sine she’s the one that has to live with him.

Colin:

This is like the pot telling the kettle to be careful with men.

Things are much better between the two since the pot underwent racial sensitivity training.

Also, why is mom straddling that lounge chair like that?

“Con-graduation.”

Bitch beat me to the pun.

Bitch didn’t even set me up.

I’m… Barry upset right now.

So that’s where she gets it from, huh?

Colin:

I have no use for this woman.

Reason for Divorce #76.

It’s a quilt made of t-shirts.

I want a specially made quilt.

Or like movie poster and shit. Or screenshots. Somebody make me a quilt of awesome movie images that I love.

I actually kind of like her relationships with the parents. Her and her mother get along better, but it’s a shallow connection. And her and her father are awkward, but there’s a lot of depth there.

Colin:

I like that too. The parental dynamic is usually pretty good. It’s stupid when she then has to arbitrarily hurt Charlie. But I do like this. Mom’s always been the party girl who’s more of a friend than anything else. Like, she can give the support, but not the direction. And Charlie’s got the support and the direction, but he’s not a friend. He’s her dad. You could see the disappointment in Mom’s eyes when Bella decided to stay in Forks. She was like, “What? But…but I’m the fun one!”

So there is one thing this franchise does right.

So that’s… one.

Colin:

Hug the lady. Whatever floats your boat. Or sinks your sub. Or whatever.

Do we want her boat to float? I think we’d much rather she Ordinary People‘s right now.

Colin:

Well, that boat was no good.

Also, am I the only person who finds it weird that Robert Redford has never been seen driving a red Ford? These are the questions that consume me.

“I miss you.”

Colin:

I’m not really from a touchy feely family.

Like the Kellers?

Colin:

Also yes.

There’s no lifeguard. Those swimmers are fucked.

Trees.

This looks like the preview for a new season of an HBO series.

Colin:

I dunno. Looks kinda shitty to me. I was gonna say either ABC or…UPN.

If you say so.

Colin:

UPN.

Uh oh. It’s Little Red… riding, in the hood.

Go get that btich.

Colin:

They’ve improved upon the running fast thing. It looks better than it did. Still not amazing, but way better than the shit job they did with the first two movies. I guess the budget is almost double that of the first film, so there’s that. But I’m so glad these movies didn’t make more money. I mean, they made more money than they should have on this budget (or more money than they should have, period), but it could have been more and I’m really glad it wasn’t.

I just find it hilarious that they were just standing in this forest, waiting for her to show up.

Why the fuck would you do that, for starters? And second, what the fuck was she doing coming back? Was she just hanging around the woods for no reason? Couldn’t she just come and kill Bella at any point in time, if that were the case? What do you need an army for? This whole situation makes no sense whatsoever.

Colin:

This chick is STILL the antagonist? It’s mind-boggling to me how little ground we’ve actually covered in this many films.

Which is weird, since they’re, you know… super fast.

A flying tackle out of nowhere would be awesome.

He just got Endor’d.

So I guess it was the… Endor, the line for Emmett.

GO DROP KICK THAT BITCH ALICE!

Or maybe send her… to the moon, Alice.

Either way – TALLY HO!

“Oh, that’s right you motherfuckers, you didn’t know I got hops.”

Colin:

And Biers.

Now she’s in their territory.

Colin:

Oh, that’s kinda cool. Their territories are marked by this river and she’s hopping between them? Someone just shoot this bitch. Silver bullet or whatever.

Over the river and through the woods.

Kinda weird how they have the same enemy and yet still don’t want to work together.

This shot makes it look like they’re chasing a giant pumpkin head.

I like how she’s still running.

What is the point of this?

Did she show up just to get chased?

This bitch be leapin’ everywhere.

What if a Gyarados came up and ate her out of nowhere?

This Bitch Be Leapin’ Everywhere

Man, these white bitches be crazy.

Airball.

You done fucked up now, Emmett.

He looks mad. He seems to be a real forest… grump.

Not bad. It’s not as obvious they recast the part just yet.

At least they worked up to it… gingerly.

Colin:

These wolves are fucking dumb. The Cullens are trying to kill the bitch, and you peel off so you can fuck with HIM? I hate it when people are more caught up in their own bullshit than with the issue at hand.

Sometimes that’s good. Like if individual little storylines are happening during a giant conflict.

In this situation, though — they should all die in a fire.

Isn’t it funny that the transition shots look better than the rest of this movie?

Colin:

VAMPIRE IN A VOLVO AHAHAHAHAHA IT DOESN’T GET OLD

He brought her to her mother’s in the hopes that she’d want to stay there.

Colin:

You moron. You don’t tell her that you’re purposely trying to change her mind. That’ll just make her resist you more. Tell her some shit about how it’ll be easier for him to accept and support her choice if he knows she’s considered everything first. You should know better than this, man. Bitches require diplomacy.

Bitches Require Diplomacy.

“If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me?”

“If I asked you to stay in the car, would you?”

“Of course not.”

Colin:

Yet again, don’t do the sarcastic, “If I asked you to stay in the car, would you?” Try a, “Please stay in the car. I won’t let things get out of hand.”

See, what I don’t get is why she automatically says no. Wouldn’t you go, “Why would you want me to stay in the car?”

Because what if she automatically said no and went outside and then a Gyarados ate her?

A HA HA HA HA HA.

Colin:

Easy there, 8 Miley.

Look at this fucking face.

YOU DON’T EVEN GO TO SCHOOL HERE.

“Charlie said you left town.”

“Yeah, to visit my mom, why?”

“He’s checking to see if you’re still human.”

His mad face is hilarious.

Colin:

Radcliffe’s is still probably my favorite. “I’m angry, so I make *THIS* face, errrrrrrrr!” But this one is pretty damned funny.

Only in this face does a mad face involve a lip bite.

He’s warning him about them going on his people’s land.

Colin:

So now we have a hissy fit over territory, like anyone gives a shit about your soggy ass land.

“What?”

Oh… she doesn’t know.

Colin:

Just noticed that this movie is seven minutes shorter than New Moon. Silver linings!

“See… what had happened was…”

“You should just leave. Now.”

“She has a right to know. She is the one the redhead wants.”

I’m sorry… I can’t… I just started laughing involuntarily. The way he phrased that… made me think of Jabba… and redhead… Eclipse… I can’t. These images. They’re too much.

“Victoria?”

No. Carrot Top.

Colin:

Why is she surprised about Victoria? The chick almost Jaws’ed her in the last movie and then nobody ever killed her, so…what did you think happened to her? Think she just skipped town? That should have been her first priority after getting back from Italy. I can’t believe I’m sitting here putting this stuff together in my head.

This shot.

Remember when Gandalf made this same face?

Practically the same thing.

I guess you can say this one… pales, in comparison.

This is a nice little moment. She’s like, “You lied to me,” and he’s like, “To protect you,” so she goes, “Okay, we’re gonna talk about this, but you… why didn’t you call me?”

I like when characters put priorities in order. “This is something we’re gonna do, but first – you –”

Colin:

“Hey! Fuckwad!” Is what she should have said.

“I had nothing to say.”

And then she tells him to “wait up,” and goes to go with him.

Edward doesn’t like this, but she tells him to trust her.

And he says, “I do trust you. It’s him I don’t trust.”

Colin:

“It’s him I don’t trust.” Man, that’s the first time I’ve ever heard that line used anywhere, and it’s BRILLIANT.

“Lose the grin, asshole.”

Colin:

I was gonna tell him to stop smiling because it isn’t appropriate, nor does it fit the scene, but she beat me to it. Well done, Bella. The first thing I think I’ve applauded you for in at least a whole film.

♫ “You’re motoring. What’s your price for flight…” ♫

P.S. For those who didn’t get that last reference, it was hilarious.

Colin:

Don’t they have school? What if you get in trouble for skipping so much and don’t graduate? And then you wouldn’t be able to go to college in Alasta or whatever that made-up place was called.

I like forests.

Colin:

Just huge tracts of land covered in unmade paper and animals fucking everywhere.

Actually, when I put it that way, they do sound pretty cool, huh?

“No.”

I like older cars in movies. Beat up Fords and shit. I hate seeing nothing but those sleek, plastic shits they have nowadays.

Colin:

I go for realism. Like, a lot of sleek cars in a Bond movie makes sense, cause he’s rolling up in Montenegro or Monte Carlo or wherever, and that’s what should be there. But if this movie was too into product placement, there’d be all sorts of new cars everywhere, and that wouldn’t fly. This is pretty good, especially putting shitty old cars around here. Cause that’s what rural America is. I’m just glad they didn’t give the Native Americans a Jeep Cherokee or a Mazda Navajo or something like that.

In the parking lot of their casino, right?

(Ha ha. Why hasn’t Bond ever gone to an Indian casino?)

(I guess he’s not a Steely Dan fan.)

All… right.

Colin:

These guys are douches. And they don’t have shirts. This is another racial thing. The super pale people being depicted as cultured, upper-class, and not hyper-sexualized, while the racially marked people are lower-class, crude, decidedly without culture (not even Native American culture really factors in with these people) and they’re constantly topless and showing off muscles. It’s amazing that after all these years, nobody recognizes this kind of race shit in Hollywood.

I’ve been beating that drum for years.

Oh… wait…

Well, I guess it counts.

Graham Greene had a daughter.

And she’s fine as hell.

Colin:

Harry’s daughter. I wonder how her kung fu is.

I wonder if her bush is huge.

Oh… but she doesn’t like Bella. That means she and Jacob are gonna bang.

Colin:

She’s a bitch, though. Maybe try a little tenderness. All of this shit is Jacob’s fault for being an asshole and not taking her calls or whatever.

Still wondering who gives them those wolf tattoos.

At least he has chicken.

Scarface is back.

Colin:

This chick’s face looks less awful than it did.

Angry wolf chick.

Colin:

So Leah can phase, too. But…their clothes rip off. And the boys are ostensibly topless all the time because their wolf-ness-ness-ness makes them too hot. Shouldn’t she be all burning up? It’s…uh…sexist! Yeah, it’s sexist that she should have to cover up even though she’s too warm all the time. Should let those titties breathe.

When Israel was in Egypt’s land, let those titties breathe.

Apparently there’s that wolf telepathy thing, so angry chick is pissed because Scarface’s man dumped her for Scarface.

Drama, right?

I guess that makes her a nava-ho.

Colin:

There’s randomly a VW Rabbit on their property. That’s a total Native American car. Not.

He imprinted on her, too.

“Do I even want to know what that is?”

This is the correct response.

Colin:

Imprinting is just jizzing. Whatever they decide to explain it as later, it’s jizzing. Even if they tell us it’s not jizzing, it looks like jizzing.

I like that the license plate is covering her ass. This amuses me.

“Imprinting on someone is like –“

Wait, you took all those shots just to continue an exchange that was, at most, two action lines of separation between dialogue lines? You cut between locations? There was that much silence happening?

We’re back to bad direction.

“Like when you see her – everything changes. All of a sudden it’s not gravity holding you to the planet, it’s her. Nothing else matters.”

Not a great description, but he stuck the landing. I’ll… bite.

Colin:

I only feel that way about some of the things I jizz on.

“You would do anything –”

Or, you’re still going.

“Be anything, for her.”

Can I imprint on chili fries?

Colin:

The chili monster already has. That’s the point. 

“Sounds like you know the feeling.”

I love how their eyes always have to go down. Must they always check them out?

“Have you imprinted on someone?”

“You’d know if I had.”

Would she, Jacob? Would she?

“So for now, you’re still you.”

“And you’re still you.”

“Until graduation.”

ANGER!

Colin:

He didn’t know it was happening so soon. Aw. Too fuck-ity bad.

Just like Anakin.

Bring on the blue shit!

I don’t understand why he’s so upset. Can’t he just accept it?

Colin:

“Or before I –” Before you could jizz on her, right? That’s what  you were gonna say.

He’d rather she be dead than one of them.

Hooray, racism!

Colin:

This is actually sort of interesting. He just gave her a “better dead than Red” thing. Which, I love the discussion that surrounds that whole concept. Mike and I took a film class at Wesleyan on Western movies, taught by Richard Slotkin — you can find it on iTunes U to download and watch for free, and I recommend you do at some point. Actually, Mike was taking the class, and I was being paid to audit it and film everything. But one of the central theme in the early Cold War-era films was the whole “better dead than Red” thing, particularly in movies like The Searchers. It’s stating that there is a fate worse than death, and that fate is being one of ‘them.’ This is the foundation of mutually-assured destruction, and a philosophy that permits indiscriminate killing.

The episode often mentioned in the course — because of how it informed films like Little Big Man — was the destruction of the Vietnamese town of Ben Tre, of which a US Army major commented, “It became necessary to destroy the town to save it.” The idea of destroying the village in order to save it is a horrific concept and represents a logical extreme of this way of thinking. The real perversion of it wasn’t really played with in full until High Plains Drifter, when Clint Eastwood put the whole idea front and center.

I’m sure Stephenie Meyer didn’t think about all this when she was writing the books. I don’t give her that kind of credit. But I bet she grew up hearing things like this. It’s one of those things where you can analyze everything intellectually, but she was probably just spouting stuff that resonated on a subconscious or creative level. Like it felt like the thing to have him say.

But look at me, trying to inject some intelligence into this blog series of debauchery.

Though, in this case, I think Jacob would prefer if she was more red… than dead.

THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO ADD TO THE CONVERSATION PEOPLE

Canted… angle?

“I can’t believe you said that.”

I think he can’t either.

The Beast Must Cry.

Colin:

He’s sorry. But how is she getting home? This is why you always have a vehicle. It’s like how guys know you have to break up with a girl at her place, cause if the breakup goes down at your place, she can just stick around and keep talking.

Creeping on the room.

Colin:

Get rid of that shit. I bet it’s evil. It wants you dead. It’s sort of like a ring. It has a will of its own.

Colin:

Oh, it’s not her. It’s some other creepy dude.

Well that’s probably not good.

Colin:

Is that the dude from the beginning? I guess he’s been a vampire for a year now? That’s the disappearance they were talking about before, right? And I assume that now he’s working for the Volturi or something, which is why he’s here to check up on her.

Why not smell her panties?

And I mean that in an actual curious sense, not a, “I want to be disgusting for disgusting’s sake” reason.

Isn’t that where you’re gonna get the most… scent?

So I guess vampires have the ability to walk around without being heard.

Any reason why that occurs?

His hand looks like he was jacking it before bed.

This might be Charlie’s… Swan song.

Colin:

Getting a nice, long look at Charlie’s flavor saver.

And here comes dumbass Ashy Larry.

Nope. Not dead.

Who saw that comi… I mean who saw where that came from?

He thinks she was with Edward. Nah. She was with Jacob.

Colin:

She was with Jacob that whole time? Wasn’t it the morning when she left with him? Wasn’t she skipping school? And now it’s all late and shit. And she has a cell phone, so why didn’t Charlie just call her and tell her to get home?

But then there’s a knock at the door. Of course that’s him.

Colin:

Charlie really hates Edward, huh? Yeah, I’m not a huge fan myself.

Colin:

Sup, ‘Duardo?

He looks like he just got fucked in the ass by a wolverine.

He was worried sick.

Can you even get sick?

Apparently it’s not okay for her to be hanging around Jacob or something.

“Something’s wrong.”

“Did Charlie have bratwurst for dinner? Jesus Christ.”

Did they bug her dreamcatcher?

Is this a monosyllabic version of The Conversation?

Are they being listened to? Is Edward gonna pretend to be James St. John Smythe?

He knows what’s going on.

Colin:

He can smell nasty orcses another vampire, which is interesting. Do they just have superior senses all around?

Vampire Trapped in the Closet.

To be honest, I really do hope all these people get AIDS.

Colin:

I like their house. I think that’s why I’m on board with the Cullens way more than Jacob. No groupthink, no clan-like behavior, and they roll in style. Plus, Alice’s titties.

Family meeting.

It’s Victoria.

But Alice says no.

It’s not the Volturi either.

Apparently she’s been “watching” Aro’s decisions.

That’s a thing? She can just do that? I thought she didn’t have control over the visions.

Bella says there’s no way they can protect her, watch Charlie, look for whoever it is and keep themselves fed all at the same time.

Colin:

Selfless to a fault. I hope she dies.

Plus, she won’t be unprotected, she has –

“What?”

Colin:

Ah, she’s going to enlist Jacob.

This fuckin’ guy.

Colin:

And there he is. You’d almost expect them to get along for her sake, but nope. They’re only 12, after all.

“We’ll handle it from here.”

Facial expressions.

Eiffel Tower.

Colin:

London Bridge.

The good, the bad and the ugly.

She says from now one, she’s Switzerland, but – we know what it is.

(Also, kudos to that reference. That sounds like something I’d drop. Good on them, assuming a basic intelligence.)

Colin:

She really isn’t Switzerland. Switzerland doesn’t prevent fights, nor does it mediate. It stays out of other countries’ shit and forbids fighting within its borders. So the only way I can read this line (assuming a basic intelligence) is that they’re not allowed to fight when they’re both…in her. At the same time. And with that…

We’ll END PART I.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part II, and more useless shit.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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