The Unforgivable Films of 2013

It’s time to go over the shit. The darkest before the dawn. That moment you scrub all the crusted stuff off the plate with the brillo pad before you can give it that nice wash to make it clean. Because before I can go over the best films of the year, I have to go over the worst.

It’s time for the Unforgivables list.

The Unforgivables list started pretty unintentionally. Over the summer of 2010, I was home from college, just starting my Oscar Quest, and generally being a lazy individual. I was filling time watching all the 2010 movies I’d missed and had sat down to watch a movie called The Switch. (It’s the movie where Jason Bateman spills Jennifer Aniston’s artificial insemination jizz and fills the cup up himself and fathers her child. You know, like Citizen Kane.) And while watching that movie, I got so unbelievably mad that I had to pause the movie and send an angry message to all of my friends, warning them to never watch the movie. And it turned into a pretty hilarious angry rant, which became legend among my friends. (You can read the rant, as well as all my Unforgivables lists here.) Fast forward to six months later, I’m starting the blog and I figure I might as well begin it with a list of my favorite films of the previous year. And then I was quickly asked by a friend, “Are you gonna berate the shitty ones, too?”

Which is what I did. My first article was a top ten list, and my second article was an Unforgivables list. I got to reuse that Switch rant, and come up with a few more. And since then, it’s become an annual tradition for me, berating a bunch of movies that made me angry but comically exaggerating my hatred for them. It’s led to some pretty amusing little rants.

I only have a few rules for what makes my Unforgivables list each year. The first is that the film has to make me angry. I don’t care about its quality, or what I rated the film. The film has to make me angry while I watch it. What makes me angry might change from year to year, but something in the film must inspire actual anger from me, otherwise it can’t truly be Unforgivable. Something I know is going to be shit, that is shit, isn’t truly Unforgivable. Take a Friedberg and Seltzer movie. This year’s example was The Starving Games. We know that movie was always going to be a piece of shit, and we know it’s an abortion that should have been coat hanger’d away from the uterus of Hollywood before it was even birthed, but at this point, we know what we’re getting with these movies. They don’t make me angry anymore. So the first rule for a movie to make my Unforgivables list is that it has to make me angry.

The second rule — and this one is more of a guideline for me (as we’ll find out later on the list) — is no sequels. Since we generally assume that sequels are going to suck, and a lot of the time it’s too easy to beat up on a bad sequel.

Like I said, these are not absolute rules, but I do try to keep to them if I can help it. And usually I can help it. It allows me to find more diverse sets of films to rant about, usually ones that people either don’t even know are terrible (or exist), or ones people wouldn’t even bother spending much time on. My number one and two films on last year’s list were Big Miracle and LOL. Find me two other people that spent as much time berating those movies as I did.

So anyway, that’s how this works. I find ten movies that made me angry, and I berate them.

Here are the Unforgivable films of 2013:

A Good Day to Die Hard

10. A Good Day to Die Hard

Right off the bat, you’d think I was breaking one of my rules for the Unforgivables list. The ‘no sequel’ rule. But I’m not. Because this isn’t a Die Hard sequel. This isn’t even a Die Hard movie. This is a shitty action movie with Bruce Willis playing a character that happens to have the same name as his most famous character.

There are a lot of things about what this franchise has become that piss me off. And I think it all begins and ends with Bruce Willis. Does he not know what makes these movies work? Does he not care anymore? It must be the latter. Bruce Willis has appeared lethargic and disinterested a lot over the past decade. You can pretty much spot which movies Bruce actually cares about and which are essentially paycheck movies. Looper? He cared. Which is why he delivers a great performance. Surrogates? Didn’t give a fuck. G.I. Joe? Please. When Bruce Willis stops caring about a movie, he completely checks out. He doesn’t want to be there, and only shows up to do the bare minimum.

And here, it seems like he started to mold his present day action persona onto the McClane character. Since it was a decade between Die Hard movies last time. So I guess he got caught up in what he was doing and turned McClane into that persona, which effectively killed the franchise as we knew it. When did McClane become a super soldier? When did he stop having dialogue? Remember when all he did was say sarcastic shit about how he shouldn’t be in this situation? For some reason, now John McClane has become Bruce Willis — the invincible action star who doesn’t give a shit anymore. Now it’s come to the point where he’s barely a part of his own movie. When in fact, he used to be the focal point. Why did the first three movies work? Because he was reacting to the situation he was put in. Now, the movies focus more on the situation, and then, “Oh yeah, McClane’s here too!” You can actually spend 90% of this movie pretending McClane isn’t there, and you’d barely notice. It’s pretty amazing. It’s like they took a preexisting script and just added McClane to it so Bruce Willis could feel like he was accomplishing something.

Everything McClane does in this movie is not what John McClane would do. Which has to all come back to Willis. He must have script approval. Either they’re taking non-Die Hard scripts and adding McClane to them, or he just doesn’t give a shit and this is what the character has become due to laziness and apathy. Because no writer put on a Die Hard movie would ever let McClane look and sound like this. Everything about McClane’s actions in this movie is just wrong.

We first see McClane in this movie at a firing range. Remember the first time we saw McClane in Die Hard with a Vengeance? He was being picked up by the cops while nursing a “perfectly good hangover.” He doesn’t want to be in situations. He’s not the perfect cop. Trouble finds him. And here, he’s firing, perfect aim, into a target. PRACTICING to be a cop. And then he has some stupid conversation that makes no sense, hops a plane to Russia, and on the way there, reads a dossier. You know how Machete don’t text? McClane doesn’t read dossiers. It’s lazy writing and even lazier franchise shepherding by Willis.

And who gives a fuck about the whole Russian subplot aspect of this? It’s just lazy. I barely went along with the premise of Live Free or Die Hard. I don’t even give a fraction of a fuck about this one. The first three worked because there was some big terrorist scenario that McClane was thrust into. The fourth one is kind of that, only that one is its own — I’m not gonna get into that at all.

Watch Bruce Willis in any scene of this movie. He’s barely in it. Watch how they shoot him. Close ups. He showed up for his closeups, and for nothing else. It’s incredible. Watch him in almost every shot. It’s just him, and you can barely make out the background, because he’s not in the same location as the rest of the scene. He’s standing in one place, they’re shooting him, and they’re putting that with everything else. Only if he has to is he even bothering to be in the same location as everything else. This movie should be called “Bruce Willis Looks At Shit.” Because that’s all he does in every shot.

In the first act of this movie, Bruce Willis is on screen for less than five minutes. And I’m really thinking that total is less than three, if I actually counted. Why the fuck are we watching this movie, if not for John McClane?

There’s actually a moment in that first act where a bomb goes off, men with guns are walking around, John’s son has the dude in an escape van, and John magically walks in front of it and asks his son what he’s doing here. And he says that about four times. The same line. No variation. And his son says he shouldn’t be there, and drives away. And John just stands there. That’s a fucking scene. Bruce Willis Looks At Shit.

The best part is when he decides to get in a truck himself to follow. Why? I don’t know. Just to be involved, I guess. You see him, in medium shot (and shaky cam, no less), walk to the door and say, “Get out of the way!” I guess the officer or mercenary in this truck just listened to him and got out without a fight. Or the civilian in the street watching all this chaos just knew English and listened to him as he stole this empty vehicle. But that shot is about two seconds long. Tops. Then we cut to a medium shot of him closing the door. Literally blink and you’ll miss it. Then, wide shot of truck pulling away. Clearly a stunt man. Then, every other shot of him in this scene is a close up, where he just says lines. The rest is all second unit action. It’s so fucking obvious that he’s not even remotely part of the scene at all. And the amount of times we see him after this, for the rest of the sequence — its about three times, maybe, and they’re all split second shots, where he says one line, in close-up, and then they cut away. It’s amazing. It’s like a walk-on role. We see the wide shot where McClane’s truck rams another car and it flips over, then we cut inside to Willis in close-up, who says, “That’s gonna hurt in the morning,” or something generic like that, and then we cut away from him again. He literally only shows up for one line, and then we cut back out. And the line isn’t even as good as what I said up there. He doesn’t even care enough to be on screen in his own fucking movie.

Even in scenes where he’s supposed to be in the same car as his son, he doesn’t even look like he’s in the same location. It’s incredible. Because he probably isn’t. Jai Courtney was probably acting opposite a fucking coat rack. It’s incredible how much of this movie looks like they shot Willis, then shot Courtney, and neither was on the scene as the same time as the other. Watch this movie and count the number of shots where Willis is clearly on the set as the same time as another actor. Then count the number of times he’s on the same set as another actor and he’s not on camera. But it’s still clearly him. You can’t do it. Because it doesn’t happen. It’s absolutely astounding. Bruce Willis doesn’t even care to be in his own movie anymore.

And that’s what this franchise has become — John McClane isn’t even a part of it anymore.

This movie is a god awful piece of shit, and what most makes it Unforgivable is that they had the gall to call it a Die Hard movie. If they just had it be an action movie, then I’d be okay with it. But it’s the fact that they branded it with Die Hard that makes it truly Unforgivable. It seems like this franchise still only exists to make Bruce Willis feel productive. And even then, he doesn’t give enough of a shit to put forth an effort in the fucking movies! I can’t believe how far this franchise has fallen. It’s become a series of action movies with John McClane shoehorned into them. Nothing more. And at this point, you can just pretend that it isn’t John McClane and it’s not a Die Hard movie and you honestly wouldn’t be contradicted at all.

The only thing this movie is good for is as a case study of watching a franchise cut around its disinterested star. If you watch it that way, then this is fascinating.

Also, this movie breaks one of the cardinal rules of filmmaking — if you feature a scene of a character singing badly to a song, you’re not allowed to start the next scene (or finish that same scene) with the song playing. It’s a fucking disgrace on every level.

This is no Die Hard movie. The later Police Academy movies had more integrity than this.

Right now is a Good Day for this franchise to Die Hard.

Mortal Instruments- City of Bones

9. The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones

First off, what the fuck does that title mean?

What’s a Mortal Instrument?

And a City of Bones?

Remember when they made The Golden Compass? There’s a reason they didn’t call that movie His Dark Materials: The Golden Compass.

My god, did they fuck everything up with this movie from top to bottom.

Everything you need to know about this movie starts in the trailer. Watch this trailer for the movie, and you know everything you need to know. If a trailer for a movie can be this bad, there’s really no way the movie isn’t Unforgivable.

So I’m going to base this entry solely on the trailer. Because why the fuck do I want to subject myself to this movie ever again?

We begin:

“The following preview has been approved for appropriate audiences by the Motion Picture Association of America, Inc.”

So many questions right off the bat. Why are they specifying that this is a preview? I’ve never noticed this before. They don’t do this with actual movies. Are there people that think this is actually the full movie? If this wasn’t there, would someone go, “Where the fuck is the rest of it? Why am I not getting another full movie on top of the movie I paid for?” I never noticed how dumb that green screen was.

I want to make a short film that’s the exact length of a trailer and sneak it in there amongst the trailers just to fuck with people. Tell a full narrative in two and a half minutes, and put it next to the trailers and make people think about the nature of the business.

Also, what qualifies as an “appropriate audience”? I’m guessing this means, “Don’t put this in front of Despicable Me 2.” But is there such a thing as an appropriate audience for this movie? Considering it only made back half of its budget in theaters, I don’t think there is. I’m pretty sure the appropriate audience for this movie is people who shouldn’t be allowed to procreate.

Also, the MPAA is a corporation. We never think about that. It is a corporation that is funded by the studios, and yet does nothing but cause problems for the studios. It’s kind of like religion. We funnel money into something that tells us not to do shit and does nothing but cause problems and set done archaic guidelines that people just follow blindly because, “Well, that’s just how it’s done.” Plus you’re telling me you’ve never fought with your priest to get that NC-17 chopped down to an R?

Anyway, let’s get into the piece of shit trailer for the piece of shit movie…

Helicopter shot of a city. I’ve said many times how I despise those. Movies that start their credits with those automatically get downgraded by me the way movies that start with voiceover do as well. (Unless I know I’m in capable hands, that is. If Martin Scorsese wants to use voiceover, I’ll go along with it. If Frank Coraci does – I’m tuning out.)

They ripped the score for Sunshine. Because that’s what happens to great scores – people ignore them when they come out, and then they steal them and put them in trailers and other movies. They stole this same song and used it in Kick-Ass when they burn Cage to death. Just blatantly used the song in the movie. And this song gets used in countless trailers now. And it pisses me off, because Sunshine is an amazing movie that nobody saw. And now they just steal the score from it like it’s nothing. (And don’t even get me started on The Fountain…)

Voiceover by Jared Harris (who has the unfortunate job of being in this movie): “Every day, you live your life…”


No shit, Moriarty.

Also, I think it’s atrocious when a movie starts with voiceover. How bad is it that this trailer has to start with voiceover just to make fucking sense?

Then we see Lily Collins, who I think is beautiful and hate to see subjected to something like this, getting out of a cab. Then she’s in her apartment (amazing how all 21-year-olds in New York can afford their own giant apartments like this one), and her mother tells her to be sure to come “straight home tonight.”

I guess this is them showing us how every day, we do live our lives.

Every day, we live our lives. And we should be grateful that every day, while we’re living our lives, we don’t have to watch this movie.

“Ordinary… normal…”

Why the fuck is this voiceover even here? Would we not understand that she has a normal, ordinary life without it? Actually no, no we wouldn’t, because I saw this movie, and this literally all happens within two minutes of the opening. We don’t get a sense of this chick’s life at all. We’re just hurtling through the pages of this book, and don’t really bother to set anything up whatsoever.

Oh, by the way, their way of letting you know things are “ordinary” and “normal,” is by showing Lily and her generic co-star walking down the street and him saying, “You know your mom, she gets like this sometimes.”

You know, I really hope she knows her mom.

The only thing worse is if he went, “You know your mom, Jocelyn. She gets like this sometimes.”

Also, gets like what? All she said was, “Be sure to come straight home.” We don’t know why she told her this. Maybe it’s “Hey, come straight home, because I really need you to be here when I go in for that surgery on my uterus.” Maybe there’s a legitimate reason for mom to want her home. Oh, but you know – “She gets like that sometimes.” SHE’S A FUCKING MOTHER! What a monster.

“But there’s only so long you can hide from the truth…”

So, to pause – “Every day we live our lives; ordinary, normal. But there’s only so long you can hide from the truth.”

What is this, I Love You Philip Morris?

Then Lily Collins is outside a club, and sees some weird ass symbol amongst graffiti. I’m pretty sure that’s the universal symbol for, “If you enter, you will be date raped.” So she goes, “Let’s go in here,” because she’s a dumb white woman.

And inside, some androgynous creature (played by the dude who was Grindelwald) stabs another dude. This is never explained, in the trailer or the movie. Lily screams, as one is wont to do when someone gets stabbed in the middle of a crowded place. Instead of turning to your friend and going, “Holy shit, that guy just got stabbed. Maybe we should get out of here.”

And then Tilda Swinton starts following her. Only apparently no one can see it but Lily.

Don’t you hate it when invisible people start following you?

Then she confronts Tilda in an alley, because if someone is following you, the best place to confront them is an alleyway.

“Why can I see you and no one else can?”

Yes, ask the invisible person that. I’m sure that doesn’t speak to any psychological issues.

“You’re not a mundane.”

A mundane? This movie is a fucking mundane.

“What is a mundane?”

I like how this question is asked in voiceover on top of an image of her getting a coffee with that same weird symbol in cinnamon on top. I don’t get it. Is getting coffee mundane? Did anyone even try to cut this trailer?

Also, all of this footage happens in the first twenty minutes of the movie. All of it.

“Someone from the human world.”

You’re in the human world. Maybe don’t talk about it like it’s something foreign.

“If I’m not human, what am I?”

And then he gives her a blank look that, in this trailer, can be construed as a, “Come on, buddy.”

And then, over black, Tilda says, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

How about we fucking test that theory? If she saw you kill a dude in the middle of a crowded club and knows she’s the only one who can see you, I’m pretty sure she might believe you if you told her.

Then her mother calls. Because if there’s one thing I don’t want to happen when I’m alone in an alleyway with a stranger whose been following me who I’ve seen kill someone in a crowded place, it’s my mother calling.

She answers the phone, annoyed, because goddamnit mom why are you interrupting my dangerous stranger alone time, and says, “Mom, I’m coming home!”

And mom says, “No, no, no, you can’t come home!”

This is why people need therapy.

Then some dude kicks the door in with mom behind it.

And it looks like she’s about to get stabbed.

Way to incorporate the element of surprise.

But this all literally happens in the first ten minutes, and they speed by, so it’s not like they give a shit.

And then we get about three seconds of shots of her running home. Just in case we didn’t understand what she was gonna do. Christ, this was a terrible trailer.

Then she comes home, where of course a tentacle rape monster attacks her. Because that’s what we need right now, horribly CG’d monsters.

But of course Tilda Swinton is there, because that’s what she does. And she kills the rape monster.

But it’s too late. The damage is already done. When the CGi in Robogeisha is better than the CGI in your movie, you’re already lost.

And then a title says “A world hidden within our own.” Just in case the other stuff wasn’t enough of a tipoff.

And then Tilda kills two cops, who are apparently demons. As you do.

And then they tell us that demons exist around the world, and the trailer spends more time giving us titles instead of movie footage.

“A stranger who holds the key,” says the title.

And then we meet a soothsaying black woman, because of course it’s a black woman. She says her mother was a “shadowhunter.”

So, “mundane” and “shadowhunter.” This looks cut and pasted from the generic, shitty sci-fi/fantasy writing handbook.

And then apparently there’s a map inside her head. And she’s “different.”

Isn’t it great that our protagonist, our eyes and ears as audience members, doesn’t know what’s going on, and is just sort of being led from place to place? Great way to tell a story.

Apparently the book is also an international best seller.

Sure it is.

And then her and her shadowhunting friends get weapons. Why? Because fuck it, that’s why. Shit’s just happening. She finds out her mother was a shadowhunter, and apparently she’s one too, and then she goes along with these people, who tell her she’s different and has a map in her head, and now they all have weapons.

And then she meets some guy who is hitting on her, and he can’t see her friends, so they just bump into him as they walk away. That’s a scene that’s in the trailer.

And then we get some generic lines about how things are theirs for the taking, humanity is on the brink of extinction… yada yada yada, I’m three drinks deep already.

It’s pretty amazing how shitty this whole thing looks.

And then, to top off everything, this line happens:

“The werewolves are here to save us.”

I assure you, dear readers, the werewolves are not here to save us.

Anyway, just watch this trailer. It’s fucking appalling. I remember when this came out and we all watched it, and everyone was like, “Oh my god… was this leaked or something? There’s no way they approved of this coming out.” Because if you can’t even cut a watchable trailer from a movie, what the fuck must the movie look like?

And it didn’t disappoint. I think my biggest problem with this film is the fact that it looks unspeakably bad, is unspeakably bad, and also just sort of expected that people will go see it because – “Well, they go see every one of these, so why not ours?” And I hate that assumption. Not every young adult book series deserves an adaptation.

And if we learned anything from The Host – please, dear god, don’t let Stephenie Meyer go near your movies ever again.

But seriously, just watch this trailer all the way through, and know – the movie is worse. By the end of the first act of this movie, we’ve all completely checked out. The dialogue is atrocious, the actors don’t give a shit, the costumes look like they were bought out of a second-hand Halloween store, they spent no time dressing sets or making sure anything in the movie looked good. It looked like they shat this out and said, “Meh, it’s good enough.”

They spent $60 million on this movie. And that’s what it looks like.

It’s almost as if nobody was trying here whatsoever.

Also, it’s 130 minutes long.

Watch that trailer, and let me know how they could possibly get 130 minutes out of this movie.

Even 80 minutes is pushing it for this movie.

God, what a piece of shit this was.

Man of Steel

8. Man of Steel

This was one of the biggest disappointments of the year for me.

You know you fucked up when Superman Returns is better than your movie.

I was really excited when they said they were gonna reboot Superman, because it’s not really something that’s hard to do — just don’t go too emo, don’t get too campy, and just tell the same story that worked in 1978.

And what did they do? They hired Zack Snyder.

I knew from then this wouldn’t turn out great. They tried to fool me with that nice teaser trailer, baiting me with Lord of the Rings music and shots that made it not look like a Superman movie. But I should have known. No good can come out of a Zack Snyder movie nowadays. He peaked at Watchmen.

The problem with this movie is that they did too much. Krypton has alien spaceships and shit, and we spend like, half the movie there, or so it feels. Even though they’re basically just telling the Krypton story from the first movie, which they knocked out in about ten minutes that time. There’s too much going in with Krypton, and it looks like the original Star Wars trilogy after Lucas added all those extra effects twenty years later. It’s unnecessary. Why are they riding those bird things? John Carter was literally only a year ago.

And then we retell the origin story. Him going to Kansas with the Kents. And Kevin Costner is in the movie for like, two scenes. One where he’s basically like, “Hey, you can’t use your powers. Even if it means people will die.” And then the next where he gets killed by a tornado. Which — fucking seriously? A tornado? I guess they were going for the whole, “Clark could have done something” angle, but the whole thing was horribly planned. The dog is stuck in the RV, and Costner is like, “No, you don’t go, I’ll go,” meanwhile Clark could literally get sucked up in the tornado and live, and it’s not like anyone else is surviving that shit anyhow. So Costner goes, and then stops right as the tornado is upon him and shakes off Clark like, “No, don’t use your super speed to come and save me,” even though Clark could literally have done that and no one would have seen. I don’t see how that adds any kind of emotional depth to him whatsoever, since wouldn’t the original heart attack have done more, since there was physically no way for Clark to save him, and that’s what eats at him?

But anyway, he goes away and works at sea and shit, and apparently saves people. And then Amy Adams decides to investigate, because apparently journalists do that. Show up on an iceberg that’s been taken over by government agencies and go, “But I’m Lois Lane.” And then everyone goes, “Oh, well fuck, you’re Lois Lane, come right in!” It’s amazing how much this movie wants you to just go along with ridiculous shit.

And then Russell Crowe shows up in hologram. Which I guess I could have gone along with… the first time. Later on, when the hologram appears when it wants to and starts talking to Amy Adams and giving her directions, somehow knowing who she is — that’s when we start getting into, “What in the blue fuck?” territory.

Oh, also — Michael Shannon is terrible as Zod. Don’t let anyone try to tell you otherwise.

At least Kevin Spacey was going for campy and over the top. To the point where it was funny. I’m watching Michael Shannon in this movie, going, “Dude, do you need to yell every single line? You’re gonna pop a blood vessel. None of this shit means anything.”

And then, the biggest joke in the movie is later when Zod shows up, and his henchwoman is like, “Hey, we need Superman to come here. Also, this woman. Yes, her.” It’s amazing how many moments of convenience they work into this plot. They have no idea who the fuck Lois Lane is, but they somehow know she’s important to the plot, so they bring her onto the ship, and only her.

And then the entire last forty minutes of this movie, it seems, is them just destroying an entire city for no goddamn reason. Literally thousands of people die in the destruction, and somehow that doesn’t make Superman flinch at all.

Oh, also, remember how Superman’s one big thing (like Batman) is not killing people? How exactly are you gonna rectify snapping a motherfucker’s neck in cold blood? The whole movie is like, “Don’t let people die,” and yet — neck snap.

This movie is such a fucking disaster it’s actually astounding. They just didn’t give a shit about any of the script, any of — pretty much anything except the visuals. And even those are CG as shit.

This movie was a fucking disgrace. It’s nothing but logic holes, plot holes, dumb shit, and just bad, bad filmmaking. How do you fuck up Superman this badly?

My god, was this atrocious. And somehow it wasn’t even the most poorly made superhero movie this year! (Though it was the most disappointing.)

And now Zack Snyder is making Superman vs. Batman with Ben Affleck as Batman.

So I’m sure we all expect that to go swimmingly.

After Earth

7. After Earth

This film’s real sin is that it was so lifeless. And that it could have been so much more.

But, when your director is M. Night Shyamalan, your star is Will Smith, and your co-star (because of nepotism) is Jaden Smith, we pretty much all should have expected this would be shit.

The basic premise is fine. Father and son have an estranged relationship. Dad is the most famous and respected military man on the planet, and the son is trying to get his father’s acceptance and not be such a little bitch. They go on a mission together, where they’re going to train or what not, and their ship ends up crashlanding on Earth, which was abandoned a thousand years prior because of whatever pollution. So now, dad is incapacitated from the crash and the son has to overcome his fear and get across the jungle (which is now inhabited with all sorts of scary shit) to a place where he can signal for help. It’s a perfect representation of becoming a man. And they could have cut this story down to its barebones and really done it well. But, they turned it into a sci fi movie, and there’s some sort of villain creature that lives off of fear, and there are all these other creatures — it’s really just a giant mess.

This movie could almost be all right if you’re high and it’s 2:30 in the morning, but as it is, it’s just a boring fucking movie. Will Smith looks like he’s on sedatives throughout this entire movie. He looks like he barely gives a shit. It’s amazing to me how little he cares about making good product, and how his only goal is to make money.

That’s what’s really unforgivable about this movie — it doesn’t care to try to be good. It’s trying to hit the right formula to make money. And it’s so boring. There’s nothing worse than a movie that makes you angry because it shows you glimpses of where it can go right and does nothing but go horribly wrong. These are the kinds of movies that inspire you as someone who wants to make these things, because you watch this movie and go, “I could have done so much better with this,” and it shows you all the things not to do, which is arguably a better lesson than seeing people do things right.

So, while this did make me angry, this is really the one film on the list that I’m all right with, but I felt it was the right thing to do to make it Unforgivable, just because they wasted potential in the interest of making money, and because it allows you to plainly see how easy it is to fix a bad movie, if only you gave enough of a shit to.

Which, clearly, Will Smith doesn’t.

Thor- The Dark World

6. Thor: The Dark World

This is the second time on the list where you’d go, “Isn’t that a sequel?” No. No, this isn’t a sequel. Because Marvel has fashioned their studio as such that from now on, no movie will be a sequel. It’s all part of a bigger universe. The second The Avengers came out, all bets were off. The only superhero whose films can remotely be considered sequels is Iron Man. And even then…

And that’s really what this entry is about, more so than the movie itself (though the movie is terrible): it’s Marvel. Marvel movies have devolved into unwatchable pieces of shit. Aside from the first Iron Man, every single Marvel movie has had major issues, and it’s because they keep trying to focus on a bigger universe rather than tell the story at hand. That’s why, despite its problems, I liked Iron Man 3. Because they focused on Tony, and only Tony. The rest of the movie are trying to be movies and expand this all into a bigger universe so they can keep making Avengers movies. You can’t have your cake and eat it too when you don’t know how to bake correctly.

Now, onto this piece of shit…

When your movie has to start with voiceover explaining the world and what goes on in it, especially a sequel — you’ve got problems. And this movie starts talking about dark elves. Seriously? Dark elves? And Aether? Who gives a fuck about any of this? I’m gonna need some Aethanol to make it through this movie. The first Thor movie was barely passable. Do you really think we want more Thor comics stuff? Do you think we give a fuck about any of this stuff? We just want him and Loki. Why do I give a fuck about elves?

I also love that the first time we see Asgard, they have to put a title on the screen that tells us what it is. How fucking brain dead are you that you need that title? So not only are they building a universe, they don’t trust us to know anything that exists within that universe. So on top of not giving a shit about our entertainment by making movies that don’t really have standalone plots, they’re treating us like idiots on top of it. Way to maintain an audience, Marvel. Way to go.

The rest of this movie is completely inconsequential. There is no story worth telling with Thor as the main character. The only part of this movie that works is Loki. Take Loki out of this movie and it’s fucking unwatchable. Even that opening fight scene where Thor takes down the giant stone thing — they used that in the trailer and wasted the joke (not to mention it’s an Indiana Jones ripoff). Thor and Loki are the only two things worth seeing, and we don’t get nearly enough of them.

No joke, this entire plot is meaningless. You can skip whole chunks of this movie and all that’s ever going to matter from it is the fact that there are things called Infinity Stones, and some shit is going down with Benicio del Toro. The rest of it — totally irrelevant. And that’s a problem. When the only point to a movie is to set up some shit that’s probably going to happen in another movie (where it no doubt will be a completely minor plot point. Remember how much that Tesseract thing mattered?), why bother having a movie at all? Not to mention, all that stuff that they’re using to set shit up — isn’t even part of the fucking movie! It happens during the credits! So you wasted two hours of everyone’s time to basically let everyone know that this guy is still around and will be back for the next Avengers movie. That’s it.

This movie is Unforgivable because it’s not a movie. It’s a $200 million placeholder that’s supposed to get you more interested in a universe that hasn’t amounted to anything and another movie that will be a giant sprawling mess like the last Avengers movie was.

Seriously. I dare one person to actually tell me what the point of this movie was, what the character arcs were, what the major threat was, and why anyone should give a fuck about it at all.

Fuck Marvel, is basically what I’m getting at. They caught lightning in a bottle with Iron Man, and have done everything they could to fuck that up ever since. Quality-wise. I get that they’re making boatloads of money, and I have no problem with that. But seriously, guys — tell a fucking story first, and then worry about expanding your universe. Your last five movies have been dog shit.

This is my request to everyone — stop giving these movies a pass. They’re not good movies. They’re awful, awful movies. Just because they numb your brain for two hours doesn’t make them good. Everyone comes out of these movies and refuses to say anything bad about them because, “Well… they’re fun.” No. Fuck that. This movie is unwatchable. I’d rather watch X-Men: The Last Stand five times in a row than watch this movie once more. Marvel is not making good movies. And don’t treat it like they are. No joke, I got more out of The Human Centipede than I got out of this movie. At least there I could tell you what happened.

Oh, also — does anyone give a fuck that Natalie Portman is in this movie? Anyone at all?

We're the Millers

5. We’re the Millers

If you notice, most of the entries on this list are representing a bigger trend that pisses me off nowadays because of how lazy some of them can be while assuming they’ll make money. The superhero movie, the young adult franchise, Bruce Willis’s apathy, Will Smith, Marvel – now we’re going to get back to the bread and butter – just shitty, shitty movies. And who better to bring us back into the fold than Jennifer Aniston?

This film begins with someone watching a bunch of famous Youtube videos, which is really just a giant mark against it. It’s pretty much the equivalent of opening your stand up set and doing bits about the local town for five minutes to try to win the crowd on your side. Really? From right there, I’m saying, “Fuck this movie.”

What I wonder is — what person cycles through those videos? Haven’t we all seen those? Wouldn’t you be cycling through random shit? That’s how you know both the writers and the characters have no touch with reality. Because no real person does that. No one searches for the top trending videos of all time and watches those. You pick the random ass thing you want to search for, be it “puppies interacting with babies,” or “black people on the news” and you watch just those. Sometimes it’s a “fat people getting hit by cars” kind of night. Sometimes it’s a “people drinking ipecac” kind of night. Sometimes you’re just doing google searches for “weird Japanese shit.” So right here, the film has lost me. And I’m angry with it because it feels like it’s trying to get me to like it by appealing to the broadest, lowest common denominator.

Oh, but yeah, Jason Sudeikis is a drug dealer. That’s the premise. Just weed, because if it were anything stronger than weed, he wouldn’t be likable. There’s the obligatory scene where he meets an old friend to lay the exposition out. He’s still dealing weed, has no family, and clearly has feeling about that. I don’t. I’m cool with him dying in a fire.

Like a grease fire, too. A real nasty one. Where you burn to death and the oil starts popping and shit.

Then we cut to a strip club, where we see a silhouette of a stripper. I’m almost interested, but I know where this is going, so I’m not fooled. She turns around, and it’s Jennifer Aniston.

RIP my boner.

I didn’t know they allowed strippers at her age.

She does have that perfect vacant stripper expression, though.

It’s also the worst stripper routine I’ve ever seen. She turns around, walks forward, then shakes her shoulders a bit before they cut away.

That barely counts as her playing a stripper. That ain’t no dedication. If you’re not on the pole, you’re not a stripper. You know who had some fucking dedication as a stripper? Marisa Tomei. And she got nominated for a fucking Oscar.

That’s why you aren’t a real actress, Jennifer Aniston.

Then she goes backstage and another stripper tells her she dances “super good.” Because what’s a comedy nowadays without broad stereotypes? Her name is “Kimberly, with a y.” Because apparently people have to say it like that. God, this writing makes me want to slaughter a family of baby lambs.

And then Aniston says, “I’m Rose. With an R!” And she sounds like a huge cunt. The way she says it just makes me angry. Why do they let her be in movies? Why do people like her?

Oh, and she and Sudeikis hate each other, because that’s just everyone’s natural reaction to the two of them.

Then Sudeikis gets cleaned out for some stupid reason that I don’t care about and isn’t remotely funny. Then he gets in trouble with his boss, played by Ed Helms, who to me is the harbinger of a not funny movie. And he has to go to Mexico to get some shit. So he decides to pretend he’s a tourist family to allay suspicion. And naturally he recruits all the four people we’ve met so far, because movie universes are convenient like that.

So it’s him, Jennifer Aniston, the virgin neighbor and Emma Roberts, who is supposed to be homeless but is actually a runaway.

The best part is that when he recruits Aniston, she’s supposed to be giving him a lap dance, and no joke, it’s the worst lap dance I’ve ever seen. It’s laughably bad. It really makes you wonder how boring her sex life is that she can’t even give a lap dance that’s ‘E for effort’ good. Fuck, I can give a lap dance better than she can.

I also like how Aniston is forced into doing it because she, as a stripper with no children, can’t afford to pay her rent, and has to quit her job because her boss is illegally trying to force her to have sex with the customers for money. I also like how not once have I laughed at this movie so far.

It’s also always amazing to me how comedy movie characters are just so stupid. This dude’s one job is to create a fake family and be convincing. So the second this dude gets on the plane to fly to Mexico, he starts talking to the stewardess without any provocation, and starts telling her about his “family.” And in doing so, conveniently forgets his “daughter’s” name. Which I guess is supposed to be funny, but to me, I’m going, “How can someone be this stupid?” It’s the fakest shit ever. I’d put these fuckers on the watch list based solely on that.

Then some bullshit happens, none of it funny. Weird how drug cartels have giant places right out in the open with guys standing on the walls with guns, and no one does anything about it.

And then I stopped paying attention for like ten minutes because I thought back to Marisol Valles Garcia, the 21-year old criminology major who thought it would be a good idea to take over as sheriff of a Mexican border town whose previous sheriff was taken and beheaded by the cartel. My friends and I had a watch on her to see how long before they killed her. Somehow, she survived like, two or three months before fleeing to the U.S. looking for asylum. Definitely one way to get across.

Anyway, Luis Guzman shows up, because he’s just in everything. He’s a cop that wants a bribe. It’s a decent scene in set up, but it drags on for too long, it turns into a gay sex joke, and the punchline ends up being that all he wants are pesos, and the exchange rate makes it out to be like $100 American. It might have been funny if it weren’t so generic.

Then there’s the obligatory “tense scene at the border.” They end up getting over because some illegals stow away under the van. Apparently the drug sniffing dogs who were going crazy weren’t enough to get them to search the vehicle after the illegals ran away.

And then they sing along to “Waterfalls,” because why the fuck not?

And then there’s some Mexican cartel caricatures, because apparently we need that subplot now too.

Every single fucking thing in this movie is not even remotely realistic, and it makes it impossible for me to find any of this funny.

There’s literally about twenty minutes of this movie where Jennifer Aniston uses a giant bag of weed and pretends its a child, and somehow, despite the child never crying, and her refusing to let anyone else hold it, no one thinks it’s out of the ordinary at all.

And then she throws it and it gets run over by a tractor trailer, and the weed flies everywhere, and they say, “No, it was oregano and shit, for a project.” And somehow, Nick Offerman, a DEA AGENT, is like, “Oh, yeah, that makes sense.”

And somehow this turns into an action movie. And you wonder how the fuck we’ve gotten to where we’re at.

And then a tarantula bites the virgin in the balls and naturally they swell up to the size of grapefruits. Because apparently that’s funny. God, I wish all of these people were dead.

It’s unfathomable to me that people find this funny. Even a little bit. I had to sit through two hours of this movie. Fucking TWICE! And I’m pretty sure this movie is responsible for genocide.

Ass Backwards

4. Ass Backwards

This movie begins with the two leads pissing down a sidewalk.

I’d say it was all downhill from here, but we’re already starting down the incline.

Talk about unintentionally appropriate metaphors.

There’s something inherently unforgivable about movies where characters are not only stupid, but they’re so stupid that it defies logic. And not once do they ever show any kind of insight into their own stupidity or attempts to change. And that’s what this movie is.

These two women are so unbelievably stupid, I’m not sure how this is supposed to be funny.

These two sleep in the same bed, one is a self-appointed CEO of her own fake company, in which she’s attempting to sell her eggs as a surrogate. She takes meetings at a coffee shop, pretending it’s her office. I’m four minutes into this movie, and I’m wondering how no one ever has gotten through to these people. I can’t go along with anything because I’m wondering how these people make it through the day without being raped by scarecrows. These people are literally so stupid, they wake up in a waterbed they’ve been sleeping in for years, and when it starts moving, they go, “Whoa!” like it’s some sort of new phenomenon.

It’s hard watching a movie when all you want to see is the characters dying a painful and agonizing death.

Every scene of this movie is life telling these two morons what the score is, and them going, “I don’t think anyone understood what’s really going on.” I’m pretty sure, but natural law, these two would not have made it to this point. These are the kind of women who end up in white slavery.

Wow. This movie would have been so much better if they ended up in white slavery.

You also know your movie is complete dogshit when you’re stealing jokes from Corky Romano.

What’s amazing to me is the amount of denial in this movie. It’s impossible for people to be this stupid. What I don’t get is — how did these women decide, “These are the characters we’re going to play”? Where did they think this would be a good idea for a movie? Where during any of this did it seem like a good idea for comedy?

Seriously — if you watch this movie, you will be amazed. You won’t believe how these people are supposed to exist. They literally walk into a gas station, knowing they have extremely limited funds, and then on impulse, buy a bunch of random, stupid shit, like paddle balls and stupid hats. Or attempt to. And I’m watching the scene, wondering how little self-awareness it takes to not once think about the reality of the situation. It seriously pisses me off.

It’s movies like this that make me understand what we did to the Native Americans.

And then Vincent D’Onofrio. I’m telling you guys — it’s amazing to me what Vincent D’Onofrio put into this movie. This movie is complete dog shit, and yet Vincent D’Onofrio actually delivers a performance filled with such pathos it’s incredible.

I think it’s because the two main characters are so evil, that when you see someone who has been destroyed by them, you can’t help but feel emotional attachment to them.

The entire premise of Vincent D’Onofrio’s character is that he loves his daughter (and her weird friend) so unconditionally that it’s ruined him. All he’s been doing for the past twenty years is supporting these two idiots. They think he has lots of money because he’s always been giving it to them, meanwhile he’s working all these horrible jobs just to help them. It’s incredible. All he wants is to help them, and it’s the saddest, most heartbreaking thing in the world. And that’s the only thing in this movie strong enough to get through to to these bags of meat.

This movie is 86 minutes long and it’s already 85 minutes too long. No joke, you will watch this movie and wonder why you decided to do it to yourself. This is actually a movie I can’t even recommend to people just for the entertainment factor. This is a movie so bad I actually think the gas chambers would have been preferable.

It’s amazing when a movie wears out its welcome before the end of the first act, and then you have to suffer through another hour. The biggest “joke” in this movie is that we suffer through an entire hour of this movie, which amounts to five days of these fucking morons doing shit, thinking they’re going to Florida, and then after five days, they find out they’re only like four hours outside of where they started from.

If you ever have the choice between this movie and cancer… think about it.

The Heat

3. The Heat

Because what the fuck was this movie? How was this supposed to be funny?

It opens with the most generic cop scene in the world, and then we see Sandra Bullock, at home, having kidnapped her neighbor’s cat. Because that’s what serial killers do.

Then it sets up to be a cop movie. I’m not interested, but at least they’re trying to tell a story. And then Melissa McCarthy shows up. And it completely fucks up the movie. It takes everything in the movie to a grinding halt as she goes on unfunny improvisations for five minutes.

In her first scene, she says the words “shit and piss” about ten times, and it’s not even funny the first time. I never understood why people went for this stuff. It’s not organic. It doesn’t make scenes better. It’s basically showing off. She’s not helping the movie at all. And in her first scene, she tells her boss to go fuck himself, and assaults someone for no reason.

Why would you bother attempting to establish a coherent story and then set it all on fire in the very next scene? It’s so schizophrenic. They cut back and froth from sane to insane, and both of them suck.

We literally cut between Sandra Bullock interrogating a dude and Melissa McCarthy climbing through the windows of cars. What is that?

Almost all of her scenes are improvisations. Here’s one of them: “Hey, has anyone seen the captain’s balls? Let me know, they’re about this big, but a lot tinier. They’re like a pea, or like a, like a ball bearing, or like if you’ve ever seen a mouse ball. About half that size. Incredibly tiny. They’re like really, really tiny, little girl balls. If little girls had balls. So if you find little, tiny girl balls — they’re so fucking tiny, and shriveled up — let me know, cause I’ll put ’em right back up his scrotum.”

That’s just nonsense. She’s speaking nonsense. It’s not funny because it doesn’t make sense. It’s not even ridiculous. why would you waste screen time on this? Why does America think this stuff is funny? This stuff makes me want to jump off a roof into a giant pile of chlamydia.

How is this person allowed to work for the police?

The fucked up thing is that this movie could actually have gone right. If they didn’t let Melissa McCarthy run wild, this could have been okay. There are scenes that actually do kind of work. Sandra Bullock walking into the precinct and not knowing where to go. That was nicely done, because it was in a single take, where he corrected her path four different times. Melissa McCarthy living in the same building as the drug dealer. The tracheotomy scene even does work as a shock comedy moment. And Sandra Bullock even works as the straight man. But the way they play some of it is awful. How do you actually not play her living in the same building as a joke? What are these movie’s priorities?

Half of Melissa McCarthy’s dialogue involves scatalogical humor, and random curse words in the middle of sentences. This movie could have been watchable if they just focused on telling a story and didn’t careen off the side of the road for no reason all the time. Here’s an idea — it’s a COMEDY. How about we let the jokes serve the story instead of spite it?

It’s offensive to me how comedies nowadays either don’t focus on being funny at all (see: the next entry on this list) or go out of their way to try to add unnecessary jokes for no reason. And this movie is no different. This movie offends me.

Grown Ups 2

2. Grown Ups 2

It wouldn’t be an Unforgivables list if I couldn’t say “Fuck you and your choices, Adam Sandler.”

I already got Aniston covered. Now to take care of the king of the Unforgivables list.

I really hit the jackpot that one year when they worked together. They should do that more often to save me time. Because they make dog shit movies. Consistently.

Now, despite two previous entries on the list that make it seem like I’m breaking my no sequel rule, I actually am breaking that rule here. Because this movie was a shit stain on the underwear of life. And I actually want to go through the things that happen in this movie, just so I can wonder the thought process that went into them. Because people sat and thought about this. People planned to do this. A script was written. Rewritten. Went through executives. A director. A director of photography. They had a table read of this script. They planned how they were going to shoot these scenes. They blocked these scenes. They did multiple takes of these scenes. And I’d really like to know how they managed to get through all of that thinking what they were doing was going to be entertaining for anyone else but them. The short answer is that they didn’t, but even so — how the fuck do we end up at this?

I think we all knew this movie was unspeakably bad, so I don’t need to bother with a rant about it. I’m just gonna post a live reaction of me watching this movie. That felt like the best way to handle this one:

Tracking in from a helicopter shot to a house. Really? Fuck you.

Adam Sandler is married to Salma Hayek. Yeah fucking right.

And there’s a moose in his room. Because apparently someone thought, “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I woke up and there was just a moose in the bedroom?”

The moose is eating popcorn. And there’s a Pepsi next to the bed. Do people actually do that before bed? If I eat popcorn at 10 am on Tuesday, I’m still picking out kernels from my teeth on Friday. Why the fuck would you do that to yourself before bed? Did anyone think this through at all, or is it just supposed to be funny to watch a moose eat shit?

…and the moose is peeing on him. Because apparently this is funny. What the fuck does this have to do with anything?


All movie houses look fake as shit.

Holy shit this mailman looks one fry short of a coronary. There is no way this dude delivers mail. He’d be fucking dead by lunchtime.

So apparently Maria Bello is trying to be positive with her son, so every time he gets a math problem horribly wrong (which… who the fuck thinks 8+6 is 28? THIS IS WHY WE HAVE NATURAL SELECTION!), she says he’s right. Because parenting — anyone can do it.

Chris Rock is in this movie.

God, it must suck to be him.

Apparently David Spade is supposed to have fathered a child. I take it that’s the joke.

I like how we’re just watching these people and it’s supposed to be amusing.

What of these things are we counting as jokes?

It’s amazing how much Adam Sandler has stopped trying.

Is he really letting his child ride her bike to school, unattended? I mean, she’s like seven. What if the school is a mile away?

Oh, good. Nick Swardson is in this movie.

Oh, wait. There was an extra o in that last sentence.

“She caught me eating a banana. With my butt.” They’re gonna find me dead in my bathtub in about five days.

Adam Sandler is driving the bus now. Because why the fuck not? It’s not like we have a plot or a story to adhere to. Shit’s just happening.

I’m not really sure what’s harder to believe — that city transit allowed Swardson to drive children to school, or that Adam Sandler can just commandeer a bus and pick up children and no legal ramifications will come of it.

Also, his daughter just rode her bike to school, and he’s picked up like, thirty kids on this bus. How fucking far away is this school? Either you can ride your bike to it or it requires a bus to get there. It’s not both.

And then Chris Rock gets on the bus. Because apparently random adults can just get on school buses with children and it’s okay!

Remember when school buses were supposed to have cameras on them?

This dialogue was written. On paper. And actors had to deliver them.


Why are there so many fat people in this movie? And why are they making fun of them?

Cheri Oteri? Just like it’s 1999.

And apparently she’s been holding a candle for Sandler for like thirty years. And no one in this town has noticed it at all. Or said anything about it. Honestly, I think the one thing with comedy is — never have a character who is clinically insane show up unless they’re being treated as clinically insane all the way through. This is a small town. People know these people. There’s no way they’d be allowed to coexist with others with behaviors like this.

So the principal of the school’s one big trait is that he has a big gut and wears tiny t-shirts. And only shows up so the other characters can make fun of him.

And now Kevin James is on the bus. Because apparently you can just drive these things around.

Now the wives are doing yoga. For no goddamn reason whatsoever.

And it’s Jon Lovitz. Because sometimes people need a paycheck.

And now they’re at K-Mart, which is appropriate for this movie.

It’s weird how these guys just show up everywhere and make fun of people. They really are huge assholes. Why would anybody want to be friends with them?

Is it funny to see people walk up to other people and just berate them for no reason?

They’re literally just wandering around K-Mart. I’d honestly be more interested if this is all they did for 90 minutes.

How the fuck did they come up with this? Why is everyone a caricature?

Why does this kid sound like Q-Tip?

Why is Dan Patrick here?

Oh, that’s the line of the movie. “Who wants to watch me climb a rope?” That sounds like something I’d say while drunk.

And Shaq is a cop.

Apparently they’re getting a police escort to a dance recital at the school. The school they just left after DROPPING ALL THE CHILDREN OFF AT IT. Do they really ned a police escort to make it through the town?

Damn. Ballet teacher got some titties.

Ulla — go to work.

Why is this happening? Did they even try to come up with a plot for this?

I can’t believe they spent $80 million on this movie.

FYI, Gravity only cost $20 million more than this did.

And Steve Austin is here.

He’s actually got a nice screen presence. Maybe it’s because he’s the only one who sounds natural in this movie.

And Colin Quinn.

Subjecting himself to shit humor.

Wasn’t there a jumping into the lake ‘joke’ in the last movie?

Can they all drown?

I’d like it very much if they all drowned.

Has anyone else found it amusing that Adam Sandler is making a movie called “Grown Ups,” meanwhile his screen persona has always been anything but? Is this what he thinks being a grown up is like?

And now Taylor Lautner is here. Glad to see he’s moving up.

This is making me think of the second movie, where Kristen Stewart jumped off a cliff.

Did he just drop an Al Jolson reference?

I don’t know how to feel right now. He called a bunch of 40 year olds old, which is an idiot character tendency that pisses me off, but he also knew who Al Jolson was, and fucking nobody knows who that is anymore.

“I haven’t been around this many arrogant, white college kids since Eminem played Duke.” What?

Am I being Punk’d?

This is karma for all the bad things I’ve done, isn’t it?

Holy shit, David Spade just spoke the only words of truth in this movie. (When has anyone ever spoken those words?) He just asked, “Why are you acting so crazy?” And there can be no better line in this movie.

I can’t believe I’m still watching this movie? What am I doing with my life?

I should probably go grocery shopping at some point. I really need to do that.

Male cheerleaders are washing a car and rubbing their balls all over it. Is this a movie?

Why do we glorify the 80s?

Why do we glorify a lot of things?

I’m done with this movie.

Just in case you’re feeling happy, or optimistic about the future, and think everything is going well and that people really aren’t that stupid — just know… this movie, it made $130 million at the box office in this country alone.

Identity Thief

1. Identity Thief

It seems like almost every year, my number one Unforgivable (if it’s not Jennifer Aniston) is a movie where all of the characters in it are thoroughly unlikable, and yet, it expects you to like them and feel something for them.

That’s what offended me most about this movie. All the characters are unlikable. The movie begins with Melissa McCarthy stealing Jason Bateman’s identity. How are we supposed to feel anything positive about here from here on out? And then she spends a shit ton of money and gets wasted and arrested at a bar. Meanwhile, Jason Bateman is boring. Like all of his movie characters. And he’s married to Amanda Peet, who is still making movies. Apparently this movie thinks it’s 2001.

Anyway, he discovers that all of his money is gone and has to go clear his name by going down to Florida to bring her to Denver so she can be arrested. Because apparently that’s how these things work. Apparently it’s the 18th century. It’s only state jurisdiction and not national. And apparently none of the activity by McCarthy was suspicious at all. Pretty sure a credit card company will suspend activity if someone who clearly lives in one state tries to make a big purchase in another. Hell, I once tried buying a $200 piece of electronics off a regular card and they called me because they weren’t sure if the transaction was legitimate or not. I’m pretty sure no real life situation would ever escalate to this.

And then he goes to Florida, and Melissa McCarthy punches him in the throat, assaults him, steals his car, and runs away. It’s pretty disgusting how awful a person she is. Why are we supposed to be entertained by her?

And then for some random reason, the cartel is after her, because apparently this is what movies have to include now — random cartels chasing people.

It’s amazing how horrible everyone in this movie is, especially its lead character. And then they try to have her do funny shit, like sing along to songs on the radio and it just falls flat. It’s unfunny, and disturbing. This woman is completely unrepentant the entire time, and continues doing horrible things. It’s disgusting how horrible she continues being throughout the entire movie. There is nothing redeemable about this woman, and she’s essentially our main character. Since Jason Bateman is just this side of Candide in terms of a three-dimensional character.

I really wish I hadn’t watched this movie. This movie offended me more than anything else this year, and if you ever think about watching this movie for enjoyment, you deserve to have your citizenship revoked.

– – – – – – – – – –

And those are my Unforgivables for 2013.

Now let’s get into some other movies I really didn’t like:


11. So Undercover.

12. Inappropriate Comedy.

13. Scary Movie 5.

14. The Starving Games.

15. Battle of the Year.

– – – – –

– – – – –

16-25: The Big Wedding, The Canyons, Dark Skies, A Haunted House, The Internship, Lovelace, Movie 43, Plush, Safe Haven, Stuck in Love

– – – – – – – – – –

3 responses

  1. I’m curious, why didn’t you like the film Lovelace?

    February 17, 2014 at 2:45 pm

  2. JeffDJ

    I clearly liked “Man of Steel” more than you did, but I do agree about a few of your points: Too much time spent on Krypton, way too much Metropolis destruction at the end (it just went on and on and on and on — they easily could have cut all of that in half), and I agree that Michael Shannon was miscast as Zod. He’s too American to be Zod, and I just didn’t like his performance at all. I do like the more “realistic” tone of the film, which all the superhero movies seem to be going for these days, as opposed to the more comic-booky feel of, say, “Superman Returns” (which I also like).

    February 3, 2015 at 5:00 pm

  3. Hey Mike, IIRC, you gave Grown Ups 2 zero stars, and Identity Thief 1.5 stars.

    April 3, 2015 at 1:42 pm

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