The 2014 Film Release Calendar: July

Every January, I preview all the films that are scheduled to come out for that year. Not all of them do, of course, and it gets a bit crazy every year in terms of changes, but basically the point of it all is to know what’s coming out, know what to get excited for, know what to start bracing myself for, and, selfishly, guess what I’m going to think about all the movies to see how accurate I was at the end of the year. And also see which movies surprised me, for better and for worse.

It’s gotten to be a whole great thing. Since at first it was just what Wikipedia’s year in film article said, plus a few others that weren’t scheduled that I just knew about. And then the year after that it was a few more films. And last year it was like, 200 or something. And now, it’s probably like 200 or something, plus all the ones from last year that I’m continuing to track. Eventually it’ll be to the point where really the only ones I haven’t heard about or previewed at some point are either foreign films, documentaries, and like 5% of those movies that just come out of nowhere.

What I’m doing is going over everything as it’s currently scheduled. I’m doing the first six months now, then taking a ten day break in between to go over some other stuff (Oscar nominations are going to be announced, the Golden Globes will happen — big stuff), plus allow for the later months of the year to maybe become more solidified, and maybe let a few changes happen, since I’ve discovered that a lot of things do get moved this time of year, often right as I’m putting the articles together. So it works twofold. I get to talk about other stuff and let the dust settle as much as possible so as not to make everything that much crazier come December.

Here’s July:

July

Deliver Us from Evil

The story of Ralph Sarchie, a New York cop who meets a renegade priest when he is pulled into a case which the priest convinces him, against the officer’s religious beliefs, is demonic related. Together they work to solve the case and combat the paranormal forces working against them.

Renegade priest?

Also, I can’t stand these paranormal movies. Stop with this shit already.

I’m saying 2 stars, since I’m not convinced I won’t get roped into seeing this. But I really don’t want to right now, and would like to skip it. But apparently it’s supposed to be a cop thriller at the heart of it, which might lead to me eventually seeing this. Even if I do, it’s gonna be either 2 or 2.5 stars. Nothing else.

Tammy

After losing her job and learning that her husband has been unfaithful, a woman hits the road with her profane, hard-drinking grandmother.

Oh no.

Oh no, oh no, oh no.

Starring Melissa McCarthy and Susan Sarandon.

And Dan Aykroyd!

And Allison Janney, Kathy Bates and Mark Duplass.

But Melissa McCarthy.

I am not looking forward to this at all.

2 stars. Let it prove me wrong.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Eight years after the events of the first film, a growing nation of genetically evolved apes led by Caesar is threatened by a band of human survivors of the devastating virus unleashed a decade earlier. They reach a fragile peace, but it proves short-lived, as both sides are brought to the brink of a war that will determine who will emerge as Earth’s dominant species.

Okay.

Gary Oldman, Keri Russell, Judy Greer, Jason Clarke — it’s got people.

I did like the first one. I imagine this won’t be as good, but will be solid.

Let’s go 3 stars. 3 is fine for this. I don’t need anything more than 3.

Jupiter Ascending

The Wachowskis.

I’m in already.

Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is an unlucky Russian immigrant who cleans toilets for a living. She encounters Caine (Channing Tatum), an interplanetary warrior whom the Queen of the Universe sent to kill Jupiter. Caine tells Jupiter that the stars were pointing to an extraordinary event on the night she was born, and that her DNA could mark her as the universe’s next leader.

Interesting. It’s almost like a Disney princess story, but as a big budget action sci-fi movie.

They’re certainly interesting, the Wachowskis, I’ll give them that.

And then Sean Bean, Eddie Redmayne, Doona Bae… apparently Terry Gilliam has a cameo somewhere, according to IMDB — look, I was in from “Wachowskis,” so I don’t need anything more than that.

I have to go 3.5 stars here. Because these two have earned my trust. Cloud Atlas was amazing, Speed Racer is legit one of my favorite movies of the past decade, and The Matrix. (Even the sequels are entertaining, and were a bit unfairly maligned.) They’ve earned my trust.

Honestly, I hope this is 4. I’m cool with whatever the Wachowskis want to do.

And for the love of god, everyone, go out and rewatch Speed Racer and see how good that movie is.

Planes: Fire & Rescue

Nobody really knows what this is about. They haven’t released anything, but we know generally what the deal is, after the first one.

3 stars is the ceiling here, so let’s go 2.5. Worst I’ll be is a half-star off. It’s gonna be one or the other. This is a really easy one to not be wrong on.

Hercules: The Thracian Wars

Ha.

Ha ha ha.

Ha.

It’s Brett Ratner’s Hercules movie.

It’s starring Dwayne Johnson, so I won’t get too down or sarcastic about it.

But seriously — it’s Brett Ratner. Does anyone think this is going to be good?

Dude has made two good movies. Rush Hour and Red Dragon — and most people hearing that would, “He did Red Dragon?” Exactly. Every other movie — dude fucked up X-Men to the point where they had to start over! Did you see Tower Heist? It was a mess! Obviously this is gonna be a disaster.

But we’ll go through the motions.

Yesterday, a tormented Demigod walked the earth: Hercules was the powerful son of the god king Zeus. For this, he received nothing but suffering his entire life. After twelve arduous labors and the loss of his family, the dark and world-weary soul turned his back on the gods, finding his only solace in combat. Over the years, he warmed to the company of six similar friends, their only bond being their love of fighting and presence of death. These men and women never questioned where they would go to fight or why or whom, just how much they would be paid – until the King of Thrace hired them to train his men to become the greatest army of all time. It was time for the group of lost souls to finally have their eyes opened to how far they have fallen, when they must train an army to become as ruthless and bloodthirsty as their reputation has become.

Also starring Ian McShane, Rufus Sewll, John Hurt, Peter Mullan, Joe Anderson, Joseph Fiennes (apparently), and some model chicks who Brett Ratner probably masturbated in front of while eating shrimp in his trailer.

Seriously — who thinks this goes above 2.5 stars?

I’ll give him 2.5 stars, but I’m really thinking this can go down to 2. No way I get 3 here. How can I possibly get 3? This sounded like a disaster from the second they announced it.

Sex Tape

A married couple wake up to discover that the sex tape they made the evening before has gone missing, leading to a frantic search for its whereabouts.

I’m worried about this. It’s starring Cameron Diaz and Jason Segal.

Jake Kasdan is directing. I wasn’t a fan of Orange County, but I love Walk Hard, and I enjoyed The TV SetBad Teacher, though… ehh… I’m not gonna give him the benefit of the doubt. He’s gonna have to earn this one.

It was written by a woman, though. We support that here.

But something tells me this is gonna end up a broad, “family” movie that has no bite to it whatsoever.

I won’t completely discount it, though. I think it maybe has a few laughs up its sleeve… maybe… but to be honest, I can see all the ways this can go wrong. Think of any movie about married people — kids walk in during sex, random poop and/or projectile vomiting jokes, viagara and/or marijuana (to recapture their “youth” or whatever) — something tells me, if Cameron Diaz is involved in this, it’s gonna have some of this stuff.

2.5 stars. I’ll be okay with this if it ends up 3. But I’m guessing there’s a strong possibility of this going Unforgivable. (I’m also being very lenient with the 2.5 stars. I fully expect 2 here, but 2014 is my year of optimism.)

Step Up All In

What exactly are they stepping up to?

Have they not stepped up to their destination yet?

Can they step all the way up and off a cliff?

Oh, but yeah — I’m skipping this, in case it wasn’t obvious.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is August.

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