Five-Word Movie Reviews of the Films of 2014

I got this idea during the year. I think it was when I wrote my review of Gimme Shelter. I won’t ruin it here, but as I wrote it, I realized it was a very succinct five word review of the movie. And then I thought, “I wonder if I could do that for every movie…” That’s how it starts with me. And now here we are.

Of course, not all of them are serious. In fact, I devolve into jokes pretty quickly. But they are a lot of fun to do. And they test your ability to be accurate and succinct. Or accurate, funny and succinct.

In case you don’t know what five word reviews are (which, it should be obvious), it stems from the six-word short story, and that famous tale that Ernest Hemingway bet everyone he was drinking with ten dollars he could write a short story in six words. And he wrote: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” This is a movie version of that. Examples of five word movie reviews are: The Wizard of Oz — There’s No Place Like Home; Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? — Burton, Taylor Drink, and Argue; and one of my personal best: Atonement — This Cunt Ruined Our Lives.

I think you get the idea. It’s pretty simple. And I thought it would be fun to do them for the entire year that is 2014. Which of course will most likely make it a recurring feature here on the blog. So, without further delay, here are five word movie reviews of all the films I saw in 2014:

2013 & Unreleased 2014 Films

The Anomaly — Made No Sense At All

Beauty and the Beast – Tale as Old as Time

Berberian Sound Studio – Horror Movie Using Sound Design

Best Man Down – Surprisingly Has Lots of Heart

The Captive — Moderately Interesting, But Ultimately Mediocre

Cas and Dylan — Lovely Canadian Road Trip Movie

Clouds of Sils Maria — Theater People Doing Theater Things

Decoding Annie Parker – You’ve Never Heard of It

Electric Slide — Boogie Woogie Woogie. (Right, Though?)

11 A.M. Good Idea; Needs American Remake

Grace of Monaco — As Vapid As Its Star

Haunter – Interesting Concept; Needed More Money

I Know That Voice  Voice Actors Are My Heroes

In a World… — A Movie About Voice Actors

Maps to the Stars — Real Fucked Up. Very Cronenberg.

Outcast — That’s the Cage I Know

Paddington — But It’s a Fucking Bear

Playing It Cool — Reeks of ‘First Screenplay’ Syndrome

The Riot Club — Too British; Did Not Care

The Salt of the Earth — Some Random Guy Taking Pictures

The Salvation — I’ll Watch Any/All Westerns

Serena — They’re Pretending This Doesn’t Exist

’71 — Jack O’Connell: New Leading Man

Sunshine on Leith – Absolutely Joyous Scottish Jukebox Musical

To Write Love on Her Arms — Made Me Wanna Cut Mine

12 O’Clock Boys – Honestly… ‘The Wire With Wheelies’

What We Do in the Shadows — I Bet It’s Butt Stuff

Wild Tales — What Happened to Anthology Films?

The Young and Prodigious T.S. Spivet – Wait, This Guy Did Amélie?

Zulu – Orlando Bloom Does South Africa


Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones – So Done With This Franchise

The Adventurer: Curse of the Midas Box – Don’t Worry, Not Worth It

Jamesy Boy – White People Problems Bore Me

The Legend of Hercules – Obviously a Piece of Shit

Devil’s Due – Do Not Give a Fuck

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit – Doesn’t React Well to Audiences

Ride Along – Oh Boy, More Kevin Hart

The Nut Job – Could Also Be a Porno

Gimme Shelter – Vanessa Hudgens Tries to ‘Act’

I, Frankenstein – What the Fuck Was This?

Best Night Ever – Three Words: Friedberg and Seltzer

That Awkward Moment – When Nobody Saw This Movie


The Lego Movie – Cute Animation; Really Dumb Plot

The Monuments Men – George Can’t Find a Tone

Vampire Academy – Must Not Make ‘Bite’ Pun

After the Dark – Good, But Watch Ladybug Ladybug

A Field in England – Hooray for Small Budget Filmmaking

RoboCop – Wouldn’t Buy That For $1

About Last Night – See, What Had Happened Was…

Endless Love – Too Maudlin To Be Good

Winter’s Tale – Almost Ashamed I Enjoyed This

The Pretty One – Could’ve Gotten More From This

Date and Switch – Somewhat Progressive Movie Nobody Saw

Pompeii – Completely Derivative Piece of Garbage

3 Days to Kill – But How Many to Pack?

Barefoot – She’s Only Barefoot Like, Twice

In Secret – Man, Draco’s Still a Bitch

The Bag Man – B Movie; On Showtime Soon

Stalingrad – I Need More War Movies

Non-Stop – I Really Hope He Doesn’t


300: Rise of an Empire – All I Remember Is Tits

The Grand Budapest Hotel – We’d All Totally Fuck Tilda

Mr. Peabody & Sherman – I’m Sure Somebody Liked This

Grand Piano — Phone Booth But With Piano

Better Living Through Chemistry – Pills Pills Pills Pills Pills

Need for Speed – Where the Hell Was Goose? (or: Aaron Paul Isn’t a Lead)

Single Moms Club – Another Tyler Perry to Skip

The Face of Love — She Bangs Dead Husband’s Doppelganger

The Art of the Steal – Heist Films Are Always Interesting

Veronica Mars – Never Saw Show; Don’t Care

Bad Words Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt… Almost

Enemy Well That Was Fucking Weird

Divergent – And Somehow No Frost Reference

Muppets Most Wanted – Wasn’t This Made in ’81?

Blood Ties – Great Movie You Haven’t Seen

Nymphomaniac Vol. 1 – My Vote for Sound Mixing

Nymphomaniac Vol. 2 – Because We Needed Another One

Cesar Chavez – White People Have No Idea

Jodorowsky’s Dune — Potentially Great Film Never Made

Noah – Fuck That. Stab the Baby.

(If these were seven word reviews, that one would have been “I Find Your Lack of Faith Disturbing”)

Sabotage – Arnold Sort of Plays Bad

Finding Vivian Maier — Mysterious Woman Took Many Photos

The Raid 2: Berandal – Bigger, Longer. Not Sure Better.


The Pirate Fairy – Can’t Believe I Saw This (or: I Do Believe in Fairies) (or: Not Same Tink, But Acceptable)

Captain America: The Winter Soldier – Best They Can Probably Do

Dom Hemingway – Wish He Did More Drugs

The Trials of Cate McCall – Trials Make Movies Exponentially Better

In the Blood – Shitty Action Movie for 4AM

Frankie and Alice – And Bob And Carol And…

Under the Skin – Rejected Little Mermaid Song #55

Draft Day – Great Script; Execution Needed Work (or maybe: The Carson Palmer of Movies) (or maybe: Kevin Costner No Matter What)

Joe – Nicolas. Cage. Is That Five? (or: I Believe in Nicolas Cage) (or: The United States of Cage)

Hateship, Loveship – The Same Standard Indie Shit

Only Lovers Left Alive – But the Haters Live On

The Railway Man – Not About Hobos; Very Disappointed

Perfect Sisters – As If Anyone Saw It

Oculus – This Title Sucks in Latin

Rio 2 – Second Verse Same As First

Cuban Fury – The Rejected Title for Scarface

Heaven Is For Real – Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

(The seven-word review is: This Could Be Us But You Prayin’)

Fading Gigolo – Old Soldiers, Gigolos, GTA Victims. (or: Turturro’s First Movie Was Better)

In Your Eyes – Still Not a Whedon Fan

A Haunted House 2 – Why Do I Even Bother?

Transcendence – Will Not Make ‘Transcend’ Joke

Brick Mansions – All Over Her Face. Ewww. (or: District B13 Was WAY Better) (or: THEY CAST THE SAME GUY!!!)

The Other Woman – They’re All Cunts. Don’t Bother.

Blue Ruin – A Really Solid Little Movie

Locke – I Fucking Loved This Movie

Filth – Ehh, You’re Not That Bad

Bad Country – Only Saw It For Cast

The Quiet Ones – Don’t Have to Be Watched


The Amazing Spider-Man 2 – Where Was All the Dancing?

Belle – Black People in Period Pieces (or: A Breath of Fresh Air)

Ida — Reminiscent of 60s Foreign Movies

Walk of Shame – Why Shame? You Got Sex

Neighbors – Just Watch the Red Band

Chef – Food as Metaphor for Movies

Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return – Yellow Brick Walk of Shame

The Double – Weird As Fuck, But Awesome

Moms’ Night Out – I’m the Idiot Who Watched

Tokarev – Apparently It’s Called Rage Now

Devil’s Knot – Sure. Cast Reese. That’ll Work.

Godzilla – YEAH! Let Them Fight, Motherfucker! (or: Aaron Johnson Has Bad Luck)

Million Dollar Arm – Next: Million Dollar Baby Arm

The Immigrant – Marion Cotillard Speaks Good Polish

A Night in Old Mexico – I Will Always Watch Duvall

Palo Alto – Why Did I Even Bother?

God’s Pocket – So Many Condoms in There

Coherence — Make Sense. This Movie. Toaster.

Parts Per Billion – Basically… Everybody Dies, The End.

X-Men: Days of Future Past – Let’s Fix What Ratner Did (or: Now What Do They Do?)


The Love Punch – Like, a Donkey Punch, Or…?

The Angriest Man in Brooklyn – Wait, This Title Is One

Cold in July – When Aren’t You Cold, Karen?

Night Moves – Starring the Silver Bullet Band?

Maleficent – This Movie Is a Lie

A Million Ways to Die in the West – Dick Jokes Detract From Story


Edge of Tomorrow – All You Need Is Cruise

The Fault in Our Stars – This Really Won Me Over

A Long Way Down – I’m Sure Book Is Better

The Case Against 8 — The Issue Makes It Interesting (or: Just Let Them Get Married)

Trust Me – This One Is Really Good

22 Jump Street – Not Disappointment, But Not Same

How to Train Your Dragon 2 – “I Know Kung Fu” — Dragon

Obvious Child — Well This Is Really Fun

The Rover – Reviews Stretching Over Several Films

Hellion – Almost Like a Review Haiku

The Signal – Who Said There Were Rules?

Jersey Boys – Lifeless, But Songs Were Great (or: A Musical with No Music)

Third Person – Great Cast, Of Little Substance

Think Like a Man Too – Enjoy The Money, Steve Harvey

Venus in Fur – Polanski Is Getting More Minimalist

Very Good Girls – Somehow Not Female Bad Boys

They Came Together – I Mean… Way Too Easy

Snowpiercer – More Single Location Movies, People

Begin Again — Likable, But Soul Wasn’t There (or: ‘Once’ Is Enough, But Decent)

Transformers: Age of Extinction – EXPLOSIONS! EXCESS! SETPIECES! DINOBOTS! OPTIMUS! (or: Bay’s a Product Placement Auteur)


Deliver Us from Evil – Just Don’t Require a Signature

Earth to Echo – Remember E.T.? This Movie Does

Tammy – What Happened To Comedy Movies?

Life Itself – Roger Ebert: A National Treasure

Boyhood – Boy Grows Up on Film

The Battered Bastards of Baseball — Begging to Be a Movie

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes – No One Was Named Dawn (or: Gary Oldman Rocket Launchers Apes) (or: More Apes, Less Franco = Win)

I Origins – Better Idea: I, Crispin Glover

The Purge: Anarchy – I’m Cool With This Franchise

Planes: Fire and Rescue – I’ve Watched Both Movies. Somehow.

Wish I Was Here – I Really Wish You Weren’t

Sex Tape – And the Razzie Goes To…

Hercules – And the Oscar Goes To…

Mood Indigo – Somebody Get Gondry a Screenwriter (or: I Still Really Enjoyed This)

Magic in the Moonlight – Why Must It Be Moonlight? (or: Magic in the Produce Section) (or: Magic in the Denny’s Bathroom) (or: Another Forgettable Woody Allen Movie)

The Congress – Trippy, Yet Endlessly Fascinating Movie

Lucy – Transcendence, But With a Woman (or: The Origin Story of God)

And So It Goes – What Happened to Rob Reiner?

Happy Christmas – Maybe A Script Next Time

A Most Wanted Man – Always Down For le Carré


Get on Up – Don’t Get Up Offa This (or: Chadwick Boseman Is a Star)

Guardians of the Galaxy – Most Charming Marvel of All (or: More of These, Less Avengers)

Calvary — I Got Nothing For This

What If – Hey… You Guys Remember Creed?

Into the Storm – Great Effects, Absolutely HORRIBLE Writing

Step Up All In – When Will They Stop Stepping?

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Heroes in a Half Shell (technically The Secret of the Ooze works too) (or more appropriately: What a Piece of Shit)

The Hundred-Foot Journey – Hyphenated Titles Turn Me On (or: And So Does Helen Mirren)

About Alex – The Big Chill, But Shitty

Let’s Be Cops – Why Not Be Responsible Adults?

The Dog — Doc on ‘Dog Day’ Guy

The Expendables 3 — Unabashedly Okay With This Franchise

The Giver – Win One For the Giver (or: THE GIVER GAVE ME HERPES)

Frank – Why Is It Never Stallone?

Life After Beth– Tonally Weird Little Zombie Movie

If I Stay – “I Will Always Love You”?

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For – What Would Jesus Kill For? (or: The Pacing Is All Wrong)

The Prince — Shitty Bruce Willis Paycheck Movie

When the Game Stands Tall – It’s Taller Than Tom Cruise (or: The Game: Grower Not Shower)

The One I Love — High Concept Look at Relationships

Love Is Strange — Gay Make Way for Tomorrow

Are You Here – No, Karen, I’m Somewhere Else

As Above, So Below – The Carpet Matches the Drapes

Behaving Badly – Think Only I Saw This

The November Man – Formulaic Thriller. Not Bad. Meh.

Starred Up — Really Solid British Prison Drama

Last Weekend — Indie Setup You’ve Seen Lots

Jamie Marks Is Dead — Maintained Atmosphere. Ultimately Didn’t Care

The Last of Robin Hood — Kline’s Played Fairbanks AND Flynn

Life of Crime – Not as Shitty As Expected


The Longest Week — Uninteresting Wes Anderson/Woody Hybrid

God Help the Girl — Twee But Enjoyable Scottish Musical

Dolphin Tale 2 – Not Even a Subtitle Pun? (or: True Story Has a Sequel?) (or: Not Even Ending With ‘Fin’?) (or: Charles Martin Smith, Racking Pussy)

No Good Deed – Comes to Those Who Wait? (or: A Thriller Starring Black People)

The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby – Father McKenzie: Still at Large

My Old Lady — My Grandma and Your Grandma…

The Drop – Gandolfini’s Last Performance; See It

The Skeleton Twins – Not DeVito and Schwarzenegger. Disappointed.

The Maze Runner – “Fuck You, Maze” — The Runner

This Is Where I Leave You – Where the Fuck Are We? (or: Taste Is a Subjective Thing)

High Moon — Somehow There’s a Robotic Dinosaur

Space Station 76 — Porn Staches: A Space Odyssey

Tusk — Goo Goo G’What The Fuck?

A Walk Among the Tombstones – Cue ‘The Ecstasy of Gold” (or: Why Not a Lively Jaunt?)

The Zero Theorem – Zero Equals a Great Movie

The Guest – Generic Story Elevated By Wingard

The Scribbler — Visually Interesting, But Very Forgettable

Hector and the Search for Happiness – Ends At Thai Massage Parlor (or: He Really Only Finds Waldo)

Good People — Spoiler: They’re Not Good People

Two Night Stand — Surprisingly Likable Little Rom Com (or: Single Location… I’m Telling You)

Jimi: All Is By My Side — Pretty Sure ‘All’ Means ‘Drugs’

Pride — This Is So Much Fun

The Two Faces of January — Serviceable But Not Memorable Thriller

Tracks — Fantastic Australian Movie. See This.

The Boxtrolls – Sounds Like Something Vaginas Have (or: ‘Girlfriend’s Got The Boxtrolls Again…’)

The Equalizer – Denzel Has Clearly Stopped Trying


Men, Women & Children — The ‘Crash’ of Social Networking

Annabelle – More Horror Bullshit to Skip (or: Goosebumps Did Killer Dolls Better)

Virunga — It’s No Dunston Checks In

The Liberator — Foreign Movie About Simon Bolivar

Gone Girl – David Fincher Does It Again

Left Behind – The Gospel According to Cage

The Good Lie I’ll Be Judge of That

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day – Title Is Way Too Vague

Whiplash – Blood Sweat and Drum Sticks

Addicted — Holy Shit This Was Awful

St. Vincent – Bill Murray’s The Fucking Best

The Judge – Really Needed a Better Director

Dracula Untold — Probably Should Have Went Untold

Stretch — I Miss Movies Like This

The Town That Dreaded Sundown — The Star Is Really Hot (or: So At Least There’s That)

Kill the Messenger – Does the Messenger Ever Live?

You’re Not You — Then Who Am I, Karen? (or: Oscar Bait To the Max)

Fury Just a Badass War Movie

The Best of Me – This Isn’t My Personal Highlight Reel? (or: That’s Right, Folks, I’m Awesome)

The Book of Life – You Know You Can’t Read

Birdman – See This Movie Right Now (or: The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

Camp X-Ray — Gitmo Prisoner Just Wants Potter (or: Seriously, That’s What It’s About)

Rudderless — Son Dies, Dad Starts Band (or: Lesson: Don’t Go to Class)

Young Ones — Gwyneth Paltrow’s Brother Directed This

The Tale of the Princess Kaguya — It’s What Animation Should Be

John Wick — This Movie Was Fucking BADASS

Dear White People — You Guys Are Fucking Assholes (or: Can I Actually Write Them?)

Laggies – Keira Refuses to Grow Up

Low Down — About Some Jazz Guy

Glen Campbell… I’ll Be Me — Think He Remembers Doing This?

CitizenFour — Icy Climate Because We’re… Snowden

Ouija – I… I Don’t… Fucking Know

Stonehearst Asylum — The B Movie Shutter Island

White Bird in a Blizzard – Shailene Gets Naked… And Stuff

Force Majeure — Man Bitches Out During Emergency

Before I Go to Sleep — Always Ready For a Quickie

Nightcrawler – If It Bleeds, It Leads

Horns — Certainly a Unique Little Movie


Big Hero 6 – Also What I Call My…

Interstellar – Might Have Tried Too Hard (or: Loved It, Just Not Unabashedly)

Jessabelle – All Poltergeists Have Southern Names

Rosewater — Sounds Like A Douche Brand

A Merry Friggin’ Christmas — Worth It For Robin Williams

Elsa and Fred — Old People Find Romance; Decent

Theory of Everything – I Can’t Feel My Legs

Beyond the Lights – Decent, But Needed Actual Singing (or: Would Have Killed in 1995)

Dumb and Dumber To – Exactly Eighteen Years Too Late

Foxcatcher – Behind the Candelabra with Wrestlers

The Homesman — Love Westerns, But It’s Weird

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1 – This Entire Movie Was Meaningless (or: Hunger Stopped Being a Game?)

The Imitation Game – Nobody Imitated Anyone Else Once

The Mule — Man Has Drugs In Ass (or: Number Two Movie of 2014)

Reach Me — Self-Help Version of Crash

The Babadook — I Actually Really Liked This

Before I Disappear — Great Expansion of Amazing Short

Horrible Bosses 2 – Only the Movie’s More Horrible

The Penguins of Madagascar – We’re Combining Animated Franchises Now?


The Pyramid — Title Wasted on Shitty Horror

Wild – White Women Are Fucking Stupid

Black or White — Thought He’d Be More Racist

Peter Pan Live — Christopher Walken Is Captain Hook

Comet — Eternal Sunshine Meets (500) Days

The Dying of the Light — Cage! Cage Against The Dying… (or: See What I Did There?)

Life Partners — Bit Too Indie, But Good

Cake — Think You Used Enough Bait?

Top Five — One of the Year’s Best (or: Features Best Cameo of 2014)

Still Alice — Just Give Her the Statue

Miss Julie — Classic Hot Substitute Teacher Name

Exodus: Gods and Kings – They Franchised the Fucking Bible?!

Inherent Vice – Marlowe on a Lot of Weed

Six Dance Lessons in Six Weeks — Straight to Video Level Filmmaking

Mommy — That Kid Is Fucked Up

Song of the Sea — Hand Drawn = Thumbs Up Always

The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies – Completely Baffling, But Still Enjoyable

Annie – Should’ve Called It Orphan Black

Winter Sleep — People Talk for 200 Minutes

The Gambler — This Is Not About Gambling

Mr. Turner – Of Course It Isn’t Nat (or: Why Is It Never Nat?)

Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb – Think You Milked Robin Enough?

Big Eyes – Burton’s Best in Twenty Years

The Interview — Korean Actors Make It Work (or: Could Never Overcome The Hype)

Into the Woods – Doesn’t Get Better Than Sondheim

American Sniper — Have Sniper Rifle, Will Travel

Two Days, One Night — And a Partridge in a…

Selma – White People Did Bad Shit

Unbroken – It’s Cheese, But Good Cheese

Leviathan — Russian Guys Fight Over Land

A Most Violent Year — This Is Proper Classy Cinema

– – – – – – – – – –

So that was fun. We’ll do this again next year.

One response

  1. This is awesome.

    January 3, 2015 at 4:35 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.