Five-Word Movie Reviews of the Films of 2014
I got this idea during the year. I think it was when I wrote my review of Gimme Shelter. I won’t ruin it here, but as I wrote it, I realized it was a very succinct five word review of the movie. And then I thought, “I wonder if I could do that for every movie…” That’s how it starts with me. And now here we are.
Of course, not all of them are serious. In fact, I devolve into jokes pretty quickly. But they are a lot of fun to do. And they test your ability to be accurate and succinct. Or accurate, funny and succinct.
In case you don’t know what five word reviews are (which, it should be obvious), it stems from the six-word short story, and that famous tale that Ernest Hemingway bet everyone he was drinking with ten dollars he could write a short story in six words. And he wrote: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” This is a movie version of that. Examples of five word movie reviews are: The Wizard of Oz — There’s No Place Like Home; Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? — Burton, Taylor Drink, and Argue; and one of my personal best: Atonement — This Cunt Ruined Our Lives.
I think you get the idea. It’s pretty simple. And I thought it would be fun to do them for the entire year that is 2014. Which of course will most likely make it a recurring feature here on the blog. So, without further delay, here are five word movie reviews of all the films I saw in 2014:
2013 & Unreleased 2014 Films
The Anomaly — Made No Sense At All
Beauty and the Beast – Tale as Old as Time
Berberian Sound Studio – Horror Movie Using Sound Design
Best Man Down – Surprisingly Has Lots of Heart
The Captive — Moderately Interesting, But Ultimately Mediocre
Cas and Dylan — Lovely Canadian Road Trip Movie
Clouds of Sils Maria — Theater People Doing Theater Things
Decoding Annie Parker – You’ve Never Heard of It
Electric Slide — Boogie Woogie Woogie. (Right, Though?)
11 A.M. – Good Idea; Needs American Remake
Grace of Monaco — As Vapid As Its Star
Haunter – Interesting Concept; Needed More Money
I Know That Voice – Voice Actors Are My Heroes
In a World… — A Movie About Voice Actors
Maps to the Stars — Real Fucked Up. Very Cronenberg.
Outcast — That’s the Cage I Know
Paddington — But It’s a Fucking Bear
Playing It Cool — Reeks of ‘First Screenplay’ Syndrome
The Riot Club — Too British; Did Not Care
The Salt of the Earth — Some Random Guy Taking Pictures
The Salvation — I’ll Watch Any/All Westerns
Serena — They’re Pretending This Doesn’t Exist
’71 — Jack O’Connell: New Leading Man
Sunshine on Leith – Absolutely Joyous Scottish Jukebox Musical
To Write Love on Her Arms — Made Me Wanna Cut Mine
12 O’Clock Boys – Honestly… ‘The Wire With Wheelies’
What We Do in the Shadows — I Bet It’s Butt Stuff
Wild Tales — What Happened to Anthology Films?
The Young and Prodigious T.S. Spivet – Wait, This Guy Did Amélie?
Zulu – Orlando Bloom Does South Africa
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones – So Done With This Franchise
The Adventurer: Curse of the Midas Box – Don’t Worry, Not Worth It
Jamesy Boy – White People Problems Bore Me
The Legend of Hercules – Obviously a Piece of Shit
Devil’s Due – Do Not Give a Fuck
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit – Doesn’t React Well to Audiences
Ride Along – Oh Boy, More Kevin Hart
The Nut Job – Could Also Be a Porno
Gimme Shelter – Vanessa Hudgens Tries to ‘Act’
I, Frankenstein – What the Fuck Was This?
Best Night Ever – Three Words: Friedberg and Seltzer
That Awkward Moment – When Nobody Saw This Movie
The Lego Movie – Cute Animation; Really Dumb Plot
The Monuments Men – George Can’t Find a Tone
Vampire Academy – Must Not Make ‘Bite’ Pun
After the Dark – Good, But Watch Ladybug Ladybug
A Field in England – Hooray for Small Budget Filmmaking
RoboCop – Wouldn’t Buy That For $1
About Last Night – See, What Had Happened Was…
Endless Love – Too Maudlin To Be Good
Winter’s Tale – Almost Ashamed I Enjoyed This
The Pretty One – Could’ve Gotten More From This
Date and Switch – Somewhat Progressive Movie Nobody Saw
Pompeii – Completely Derivative Piece of Garbage
3 Days to Kill – But How Many to Pack?
Barefoot – She’s Only Barefoot Like, Twice
In Secret – Man, Draco’s Still a Bitch
The Bag Man – B Movie; On Showtime Soon
Stalingrad – I Need More War Movies
Non-Stop – I Really Hope He Doesn’t
300: Rise of an Empire – All I Remember Is Tits
The Grand Budapest Hotel – We’d All Totally Fuck Tilda
Mr. Peabody & Sherman – I’m Sure Somebody Liked This
Grand Piano — Phone Booth But With Piano
Better Living Through Chemistry – Pills Pills Pills Pills Pills
Need for Speed – Where the Hell Was Goose? (or: Aaron Paul Isn’t a Lead)
Single Moms Club – Another Tyler Perry to Skip
The Face of Love — She Bangs Dead Husband’s Doppelganger
The Art of the Steal – Heist Films Are Always Interesting
Veronica Mars – Never Saw Show; Don’t Care
Bad Words – Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt… Almost
Enemy – Well That Was Fucking Weird
Divergent – And Somehow No Frost Reference
Muppets Most Wanted – Wasn’t This Made in ’81?
Blood Ties – Great Movie You Haven’t Seen
Nymphomaniac Vol. 1 – My Vote for Sound Mixing
Nymphomaniac Vol. 2 – Because We Needed Another One
Cesar Chavez – White People Have No Idea
Jodorowsky’s Dune — Potentially Great Film Never Made
Noah – Fuck That. Stab the Baby.
(If these were seven word reviews, that one would have been “I Find Your Lack of Faith Disturbing”)
Sabotage – Arnold Sort of Plays Bad
Finding Vivian Maier — Mysterious Woman Took Many Photos
The Raid 2: Berandal – Bigger, Longer. Not Sure Better.
The Pirate Fairy – Can’t Believe I Saw This (or: I Do Believe in Fairies) (or: Not Same Tink, But Acceptable)
Captain America: The Winter Soldier – Best They Can Probably Do
Dom Hemingway – Wish He Did More Drugs
The Trials of Cate McCall – Trials Make Movies Exponentially Better
In the Blood – Shitty Action Movie for 4AM
Frankie and Alice – And Bob And Carol And…
Under the Skin – Rejected Little Mermaid Song #55
Draft Day – Great Script; Execution Needed Work (or maybe: The Carson Palmer of Movies) (or maybe: Kevin Costner No Matter What)
Joe – Nicolas. Cage. Is That Five? (or: I Believe in Nicolas Cage) (or: The United States of Cage)
Hateship, Loveship – The Same Standard Indie Shit
Only Lovers Left Alive – But the Haters Live On
The Railway Man – Not About Hobos; Very Disappointed
Perfect Sisters – As If Anyone Saw It
Oculus – This Title Sucks in Latin
Rio 2 – Second Verse Same As First
Cuban Fury – The Rejected Title for Scarface
Heaven Is For Real – Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
(The seven-word review is: This Could Be Us But You Prayin’)
Fading Gigolo – Old Soldiers, Gigolos, GTA Victims. (or: Turturro’s First Movie Was Better)
In Your Eyes – Still Not a Whedon Fan
A Haunted House 2 – Why Do I Even Bother?
Transcendence – Will Not Make ‘Transcend’ Joke
Brick Mansions – All Over Her Face. Ewww. (or: District B13 Was WAY Better) (or: THEY CAST THE SAME GUY!!!)
The Other Woman – They’re All Cunts. Don’t Bother.
Blue Ruin – A Really Solid Little Movie
Locke – I Fucking Loved This Movie
Filth – Ehh, You’re Not That Bad
Bad Country – Only Saw It For Cast
The Quiet Ones – Don’t Have to Be Watched
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 – Where Was All the Dancing?
Belle – Black People in Period Pieces (or: A Breath of Fresh Air)
Ida — Reminiscent of 60s Foreign Movies
Walk of Shame – Why Shame? You Got Sex
Neighbors – Just Watch the Red Band
Chef – Food as Metaphor for Movies
Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return – Yellow Brick Walk of Shame
The Double – Weird As Fuck, But Awesome
Moms’ Night Out – I’m the Idiot Who Watched
Tokarev – Apparently It’s Called Rage Now
Devil’s Knot – Sure. Cast Reese. That’ll Work.
Godzilla – YEAH! Let Them Fight, Motherfucker! (or: Aaron Johnson Has Bad Luck)
Million Dollar Arm – Next: Million Dollar Baby Arm
The Immigrant – Marion Cotillard Speaks Good Polish
A Night in Old Mexico – I Will Always Watch Duvall
Palo Alto – Why Did I Even Bother?
God’s Pocket – So Many Condoms in There
Coherence — Make Sense. This Movie. Toaster.
Parts Per Billion – Basically… Everybody Dies, The End.
X-Men: Days of Future Past – Let’s Fix What Ratner Did (or: Now What Do They Do?)
Blended – DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP
The Love Punch – Like, a Donkey Punch, Or…?
The Angriest Man in Brooklyn – Wait, This Title Is One
Cold in July – When Aren’t You Cold, Karen?
Night Moves – Starring the Silver Bullet Band?
Maleficent – This Movie Is a Lie
A Million Ways to Die in the West – Dick Jokes Detract From Story
Edge of Tomorrow – All You Need Is Cruise
The Fault in Our Stars – This Really Won Me Over
A Long Way Down – I’m Sure Book Is Better
The Case Against 8 — The Issue Makes It Interesting (or: Just Let Them Get Married)
Trust Me – This One Is Really Good
22 Jump Street – Not Disappointment, But Not Same
How to Train Your Dragon 2 – “I Know Kung Fu” — Dragon
Obvious Child — Well This Is Really Fun
The Rover – Reviews Stretching Over Several Films
Hellion – Almost Like a Review Haiku
The Signal – Who Said There Were Rules?
Jersey Boys – Lifeless, But Songs Were Great (or: A Musical with No Music)
Third Person – Great Cast, Of Little Substance
Think Like a Man Too – Enjoy The Money, Steve Harvey
Venus in Fur – Polanski Is Getting More Minimalist
Very Good Girls – Somehow Not Female Bad Boys
They Came Together – I Mean… Way Too Easy
Snowpiercer – More Single Location Movies, People
Begin Again — Likable, But Soul Wasn’t There (or: ‘Once’ Is Enough, But Decent)
Transformers: Age of Extinction – EXPLOSIONS! EXCESS! SETPIECES! DINOBOTS! OPTIMUS! (or: Bay’s a Product Placement Auteur)
Deliver Us from Evil – Just Don’t Require a Signature
Earth to Echo – Remember E.T.? This Movie Does
Tammy – What Happened To Comedy Movies?
Life Itself – Roger Ebert: A National Treasure
Boyhood – Boy Grows Up on Film
The Battered Bastards of Baseball — Begging to Be a Movie
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes – No One Was Named Dawn (or: Gary Oldman Rocket Launchers Apes) (or: More Apes, Less Franco = Win)
I Origins – Better Idea: I, Crispin Glover
The Purge: Anarchy – I’m Cool With This Franchise
Planes: Fire and Rescue – I’ve Watched Both Movies. Somehow.
Wish I Was Here – I Really Wish You Weren’t
Sex Tape – And the Razzie Goes To…
Hercules – And the Oscar Goes To…
Mood Indigo – Somebody Get Gondry a Screenwriter (or: I Still Really Enjoyed This)
Magic in the Moonlight – Why Must It Be Moonlight? (or: Magic in the Produce Section) (or: Magic in the Denny’s Bathroom) (or: Another Forgettable Woody Allen Movie)
The Congress – Trippy, Yet Endlessly Fascinating Movie
Lucy – Transcendence, But With a Woman (or: The Origin Story of God)
And So It Goes – What Happened to Rob Reiner?
Happy Christmas – Maybe A Script Next Time
A Most Wanted Man – Always Down For le Carré
Get on Up – Don’t Get Up Offa This (or: Chadwick Boseman Is a Star)
Guardians of the Galaxy – Most Charming Marvel of All (or: More of These, Less Avengers)
Calvary — I Got Nothing For This
What If – Hey… You Guys Remember Creed?
Into the Storm – Great Effects, Absolutely HORRIBLE Writing
Step Up All In – When Will They Stop Stepping?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Heroes in a Half Shell (technically The Secret of the Ooze works too) (or more appropriately: What a Piece of Shit)
The Hundred-Foot Journey – Hyphenated Titles Turn Me On (or: And So Does Helen Mirren)
About Alex – The Big Chill, But Shitty
Let’s Be Cops – Why Not Be Responsible Adults?
The Dog — Doc on ‘Dog Day’ Guy
The Expendables 3 — Unabashedly Okay With This Franchise
The Giver – Win One For the Giver (or: THE GIVER GAVE ME HERPES)
Frank – Why Is It Never Stallone?
Life After Beth– Tonally Weird Little Zombie Movie
If I Stay – “I Will Always Love You”?
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For – What Would Jesus Kill For? (or: The Pacing Is All Wrong)
The Prince — Shitty Bruce Willis Paycheck Movie
When the Game Stands Tall – It’s Taller Than Tom Cruise (or: The Game: Grower Not Shower)
The One I Love — High Concept Look at Relationships
Love Is Strange — Gay Make Way for Tomorrow
Are You Here – No, Karen, I’m Somewhere Else
As Above, So Below – The Carpet Matches the Drapes
Behaving Badly – Think Only I Saw This
The November Man – Formulaic Thriller. Not Bad. Meh.
Starred Up — Really Solid British Prison Drama
Last Weekend — Indie Setup You’ve Seen Lots
Jamie Marks Is Dead — Maintained Atmosphere. Ultimately Didn’t Care
The Last of Robin Hood — Kline’s Played Fairbanks AND Flynn
Life of Crime – Not as Shitty As Expected
The Longest Week — Uninteresting Wes Anderson/Woody Hybrid
God Help the Girl — Twee But Enjoyable Scottish Musical
Dolphin Tale 2 – Not Even a Subtitle Pun? (or: True Story Has a Sequel?) (or: Not Even Ending With ‘Fin’?) (or: Charles Martin Smith, Racking Pussy)
No Good Deed – Comes to Those Who Wait? (or: A Thriller Starring Black People)
The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby – Father McKenzie: Still at Large
My Old Lady — My Grandma and Your Grandma…
The Drop – Gandolfini’s Last Performance; See It
The Skeleton Twins – Not DeVito and Schwarzenegger. Disappointed.
The Maze Runner – “Fuck You, Maze” — The Runner
This Is Where I Leave You – Where the Fuck Are We? (or: Taste Is a Subjective Thing)
High Moon — Somehow There’s a Robotic Dinosaur
Space Station 76 — Porn Staches: A Space Odyssey
Tusk — Goo Goo G’What The Fuck?
A Walk Among the Tombstones – Cue ‘The Ecstasy of Gold” (or: Why Not a Lively Jaunt?)
The Zero Theorem – Zero Equals a Great Movie
The Guest – Generic Story Elevated By Wingard
The Scribbler — Visually Interesting, But Very Forgettable
Hector and the Search for Happiness – Ends At Thai Massage Parlor (or: He Really Only Finds Waldo)
Good People — Spoiler: They’re Not Good People
Two Night Stand — Surprisingly Likable Little Rom Com (or: Single Location… I’m Telling You)
Jimi: All Is By My Side — Pretty Sure ‘All’ Means ‘Drugs’
Pride — This Is So Much Fun
The Two Faces of January — Serviceable But Not Memorable Thriller
Tracks — Fantastic Australian Movie. See This.
The Boxtrolls – Sounds Like Something Vaginas Have (or: ‘Girlfriend’s Got The Boxtrolls Again…’)
The Equalizer – Denzel Has Clearly Stopped Trying
Men, Women & Children — The ‘Crash’ of Social Networking
Annabelle – More Horror Bullshit to Skip (or: Goosebumps Did Killer Dolls Better)
Virunga — It’s No Dunston Checks In
The Liberator — Foreign Movie About Simon Bolivar
Gone Girl – David Fincher Does It Again
Left Behind – The Gospel According to Cage
The Good Lie – I’ll Be Judge of That
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day – Title Is Way Too Vague
Whiplash – Blood Sweat and Drum Sticks
Addicted — Holy Shit This Was Awful
St. Vincent – Bill Murray’s The Fucking Best
The Judge – Really Needed a Better Director
Dracula Untold — Probably Should Have Went Untold
Stretch — I Miss Movies Like This
The Town That Dreaded Sundown — The Star Is Really Hot (or: So At Least There’s That)
Kill the Messenger – Does the Messenger Ever Live?
You’re Not You — Then Who Am I, Karen? (or: Oscar Bait To the Max)
Fury – Just a Badass War Movie
The Best of Me – This Isn’t My Personal Highlight Reel? (or: That’s Right, Folks, I’m Awesome)
The Book of Life – You Know You Can’t Read
Birdman – See This Movie Right Now (or: The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)
Camp X-Ray — Gitmo Prisoner Just Wants Potter (or: Seriously, That’s What It’s About)
Rudderless — Son Dies, Dad Starts Band (or: Lesson: Don’t Go to Class)
Young Ones — Gwyneth Paltrow’s Brother Directed This
The Tale of the Princess Kaguya — It’s What Animation Should Be
John Wick — This Movie Was Fucking BADASS
Dear White People — You Guys Are Fucking Assholes (or: Can I Actually Write Them?)
Laggies – Keira Refuses to Grow Up
Low Down — About Some Jazz Guy
Glen Campbell… I’ll Be Me — Think He Remembers Doing This?
CitizenFour — Icy Climate Because We’re… Snowden
Ouija – I… I Don’t… Fucking Know
Stonehearst Asylum — The B Movie Shutter Island
White Bird in a Blizzard – Shailene Gets Naked… And Stuff
Force Majeure — Man Bitches Out During Emergency
Before I Go to Sleep — Always Ready For a Quickie
Nightcrawler – If It Bleeds, It Leads
Horns — Certainly a Unique Little Movie
Big Hero 6 – Also What I Call My…
Interstellar – Might Have Tried Too Hard (or: Loved It, Just Not Unabashedly)
Jessabelle – All Poltergeists Have Southern Names
Rosewater — Sounds Like A Douche Brand
A Merry Friggin’ Christmas — Worth It For Robin Williams
Elsa and Fred — Old People Find Romance; Decent
Theory of Everything – I Can’t Feel My Legs
Beyond the Lights – Decent, But Needed Actual Singing (or: Would Have Killed in 1995)
Dumb and Dumber To – Exactly Eighteen Years Too Late
Foxcatcher – Behind the Candelabra with Wrestlers
The Homesman — Love Westerns, But It’s Weird
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 1 – This Entire Movie Was Meaningless (or: Hunger Stopped Being a Game?)
The Imitation Game – Nobody Imitated Anyone Else Once
The Mule — Man Has Drugs In Ass (or: Number Two Movie of 2014)
Reach Me — Self-Help Version of Crash
The Babadook — I Actually Really Liked This
Before I Disappear — Great Expansion of Amazing Short
Horrible Bosses 2 – Only the Movie’s More Horrible
The Penguins of Madagascar – We’re Combining Animated Franchises Now?
The Pyramid — Title Wasted on Shitty Horror
Wild – White Women Are Fucking Stupid
Black or White — Thought He’d Be More Racist
Peter Pan Live — Christopher Walken Is Captain Hook
Comet — Eternal Sunshine Meets (500) Days
The Dying of the Light — Cage! Cage Against The Dying… (or: See What I Did There?)
Life Partners — Bit Too Indie, But Good
Cake — Think You Used Enough Bait?
Top Five — One of the Year’s Best (or: Features Best Cameo of 2014)
Still Alice — Just Give Her the Statue
Miss Julie — Classic Hot Substitute Teacher Name
Exodus: Gods and Kings – They Franchised the Fucking Bible?!
Inherent Vice – Marlowe on a Lot of Weed
Six Dance Lessons in Six Weeks — Straight to Video Level Filmmaking
Mommy — That Kid Is Fucked Up
Song of the Sea — Hand Drawn = Thumbs Up Always
The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies – Completely Baffling, But Still Enjoyable
Annie – Should’ve Called It Orphan Black
Winter Sleep — People Talk for 200 Minutes
The Gambler — This Is Not About Gambling
Mr. Turner – Of Course It Isn’t Nat (or: Why Is It Never Nat?)
Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb – Think You Milked Robin Enough?
Big Eyes – Burton’s Best in Twenty Years
The Interview — Korean Actors Make It Work (or: Could Never Overcome The Hype)
Into the Woods – Doesn’t Get Better Than Sondheim
American Sniper — Have Sniper Rifle, Will Travel
Two Days, One Night — And a Partridge in a…
Selma – White People Did Bad Shit
Unbroken – It’s Cheese, But Good Cheese
Leviathan — Russian Guys Fight Over Land
A Most Violent Year — This Is Proper Classy Cinema
– – – – – – – – – –
So that was fun. We’ll do this again next year.