Oscars 2014: SAG Awards
The SAG Awards were tonight.
They’re an important awards show, but they’re also boring as shit. They never change the format at all. They start with the boring “I’m an actor” speeches, which are so poorly written. And then they just rush through categories and make speeches about the union and stuff.
But we’re in it for the winners, so we trudge on.
Here are the winners of the 21st Screen Actors Guild Awards:
Best Actress in a Comedy Series
Uzo Aduba, Orange Is the New Black
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
The clips they chose from these SUCKED.
Winner: Uzo Aduba, Orange Is the New Black
Yeah, that makes sense.
Got nothing for this, really. It’s TV. Don’t care, ultimately.
Best Actor in a Comedy Series
Ty Burrell, Modern Family
Louis C.K., Louie
William H. Macy, Shameless
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family
These clips sucked too.
Winner: William H. Macy, Shameless
He’s beloved. He was the obvious choice. Louis doesn’t give a shit about these things, Parsons’s show isn’t respected, and the two Modern Family ones cancelled each other out.
Best Ensemble in a Comedy Series
The Big Bang Theory
Orange Is the New Black
They really need a new clips choosing person.
Winner: Orange Is the New Black
I wrote that shit out before he even said it. It was them or Modern Family, and Modern Family won like four years in a row.
Plus it had the other one — it was winning.
You can telegraph this things very easily.
Best Supporting Actress
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Emma Stone, Birdman
Meryl Streep, Into the Woods
Naomi Watts, St. Vincent
Winner: Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Guess who’s shocked? Nobody.
It’s great when they settle into a choice so easily and for absolutely no reason.
She’s got a clear path to the Oscar. Ain’t no one beating her. I told you. The second Jessica Chastain wasn’t nominated, it was over.
“I can’t tell you what this means to me.” Probably a couple mil and about ten more years of work.
THEN THEY BROUGHT OUT GOLDBLUM!
So happy for that.
That’s all I needed.
Best Supporting Actor
Robert Duvall, The Judge
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Edward Norton, Birdman
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Winner: J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
I needed to see this.
So glad he’s (most likely) going to win the Oscar. Nobody deserves it more this year.
His speech was great, too.
Best Actor in a Miniseries or TV Movie
Adrien Brody, Houdini
Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock: His Last Vow
Richard Jenkins, Olive Kitteridge
Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart
Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo
Winner: Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart
Not Billy Bob? That sucks.
Ruffalo wasn’t even there!
Best Actress in a Miniseries or TV Movie
Ellen Burstyn, Flowers in the Attic
Maggie Gyllenhaal, The Honourable Woman
Frances McDormand, Olive Kitteridge
Julia Roberts, The Normal Heart
Cicely Tyson, The Trip to Bountiful
Winner: Frances McDormand, Olive Kiteridge
That was gonna be the reaction no matter who won.
I honestly don’t care about this category at all.
I bet no one even saw that miniseries.
Come on. You think anyone saw that shit? Or just voted by the actor?
Man, this isn’t even a fun show. They’re just going completely through the motions here.
Best Actor in a Drama Series
Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones
Woody Harrelson, True Detective
Matthew McConaughey, True Detective
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
Winner: Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
Yeah, we’re pretty past True Detective. That was almost a year ago.
You gave the awards in June, that shit would have won everything. Including a Grammy.
Spacey wasn’t there, though. That’s how you know this show isn’t worth watching. The people you want to see aren’t even there.
Best Actress in a Drama Series
Claire Danes, Homeland
Viola Davis, How to Get Away with Murder
Julianna Marguiles, The Good Wife
Tatiana Maslany, Orphan Black
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
Robin Wright, House of Cards
Winner: Viola Davis, How to Get Away with Murder
They love her.
Don’t care, ultimately.
Maslany should have won.
Best Ensemble in a Drama Series
Game of Thrones
House of Cards
Winner: Downton Abbey
Do not care. I’m over this awards show.
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Jake Gyllenhaal, Nightcrawler
Michael Keaton, Birdman
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Winner: Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Well folks, there’s your Best Actor winner.
BAFTA is only gonna help him. This shit is over.
Jennifer Aniston, Cake
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Reese Witherspoon, Wild
Winner: Julianne Moore, Still Alice
We knew that was happening. Got nothing to say about this one. This was locked from before nominations.
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
The Theory of Everything
So yup. Pretty much everything as expected. That was essentially a waste of two hours.
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All right, those are your SAG Awards.
Didn’t really do anything that surprised me at all.