Oscars 2014: Razzie Awards

The Independent Spirit Awards were also today, but I don’t care about those. The usual people won. Birdman won Picture and Boyhood won Director. Otherwise, your usual cast of characters won and no one is surprised. I don’t care about them.

What I do care about are the Razzie Awards. Because I want to see what they picked as the shit of the shit for 2014.

Nothing makes me happier than seeing them shit all over bad movies. Of course, they always get political and vote for the wrong stuff, but I’m still excited to see what they choose.

Here are your 2014 Razzie Winners:

Worst Picture

Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas

Left Behind

The Legend of Hercules

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Transformers: Age of Extinction

Ooh… this is an interesting one.

I’m analyzing this, by the way, because why not?

They’re past Transformers. They’re not gonna go there again. Ninja Turtles doesn’t seem like the kind of movie they’d go for. Legend of Hercules wouldn’t be memorable enough. It’s either Left Behind or Kirk Cameron. And since they like to give their worst movies multiple awards, and Nicolas Cage is barely in Left Behind, and Kirk Cameron seems like an easy target… I’m gonna say that won.

Winner: Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas

Yup

Worst Actor

Nicolas Cage, Left Behind

Kirk Cameron, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas

Kellan Lutz, The Legend of Hercules

Seth MacFarlane, A Million Ways To Die in the West

Adam Sandler, Blended

There’s no way he loses this.

Winner: Kirk Cameron, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas

Yup.

Worst Actress

Drew Barrymore, Blended

Cameron Diaz, The Other Woman and Sex Tape

Melissa McCarthy, Tammy

Charlize Theron, A Million Ways to Die in the West

Gaia Weiss, The Legend of Hercules

Ooh. Uh oh.

Charlize ain’t winning. Neither is Gaia Weiss. If the films haven’t won yet, they’re not winning now. McCarthy seems too easy. And I think they like her.

It’s either Barrymore or Diaz. And Diaz has two entries here. She’s gotta be the choice.

Only problem is, that means… Supporting Actress… does she not win that, or do they make her a double winner?

Winner: Cameron Diaz, The Other Woman and Sex Tape

Yeah.

Now I’m curious to see if this messes up the category she really should be winning for.

Worst Supporting Actor

Mel Gibson, Expendables 3

Kelsey Grammer, Expendables 3, Legends of Oz, Think Like a Man Too and Transformers: Age of Extinction

Shaquille O’Neal, Blended

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Expendables 3

Kiefer Sutherland, Pompeii

 

Three Expendables nominees.

Keifer could win, but I doubt anyone cares about that movie. Shaq isn’t big enough now to win. You’d need LeBron (who is in Trainwreck this year!) level fame to win this.

Gotta assume Kelsey, since he’s nominated the most. If you’re nominated multiple times, that usually means you win.

Winner: Kelsey Grammar… for all of those movies.

Yup.

Worst Supporting Actress

Cameron Diaz, Annie

Megan Fox, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Nicola Peltz, Transformers: Age of Extinction

Brigitte Ridenour, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas

Susan Sarandon, Tammy

Hmm…

Diaz should win this.

Peltz won’t win, because it’s not her fault.

Sarandon won’t win because… she just won’t.

Nobody knows who Ridenour wins, but the sweep factor helps.

Megan Fox… will they go there? I don’t know. Seems petty to go her for that.

Screw it. I say Cameron is a double winner.

Winner: Megan Fox, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Really?

That’s dumb.

Worst Director

Michael Bay, Transformers: Age of Extinction

Darren Doane, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas

Renny Harlin, The Legend of Hercules

Jonathan Liebesman, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Seth MacFarlane, A Million Ways To Die in the West

I just assume they never pass up a chance to give Bay this.

Winner: Michael Bay, Transformers: Age of Extinction

Yup.

Worst Screenplay

Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas

Left Behind

Sex Tape

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Transformers: Age of Extinction

It’s either Kirk Cameron or Transformers.

Let’s say they go Transformers.

Winner: Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas

Okay.

Worst Screen Combo

Any Two Robots, Actors (or Robotic Actors), Transformers: Age of Extinction

Kirk Cameron & His Ego, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas

Cameron Diaz & Jason Segel, Sex Tape

Kellan Lutz & Either His Abs, His Pecs or His Glutes, The Legend of Hercules

Seth MacFarlane & Charlize Theron, A Million Ways To Die in the West

MacFarlane and Theron would make sense for them, but no. Lutz no.

Honestly, it’s Cameron. You know it is. Why bother?

Winner: Kirk Cameron & His Ego, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas

Worst Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel

Annie

Atlas Shrugged #3: Who Is John Galt?

The Legend of Hercules

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Transformers: Age of Extinction

Either Transformers or Turtles, I imagine. Though Annie probably should be the choice.

Winner: Annie

Oh, good.

The Razzie Redeemer Award

Ben Affleck (Razzie Winner for Gigli to Oscar darling for Argo and Gone Girl

Jennifer Aniston (4-time Razzie nominee to SAG nominee for Cake)

Mike Myers (Razzie winner for Love Guru to Documentary director of Supermensch)

Keanu Reeves (6-time Razzie nominee to critically acclaimed John Wick)

Kristen Stewart (Razzie winner for Twilight to art house hit Camp X-Ray)

It’s Affleck. He’s the only reason you create this category.

Aniston didn’t get nominated, and they still hate her. Myers, nobody even knows about. Reeves is a no, and Stewart is a no.

Affleck is the only reason you have this category.

Winner: Ben Affleck

Of course.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow morning, I post my picks, and Oscar night is upon us.

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One response

  1. Nothing for The Interview? I, Frankenstein? Transcendence? Dracula Rising?

    February 21, 2015 at 11:48 pm

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