87th Academy Awards Live Blog

We’ll tally everything up tomorrow. In the mean time. I was typing up the Oscars as I watched it with my Chinese food and alcohol.

I was also feverishly texting throughout the whole thing. It’s actually kind of a miracle that I managed to get all of it done.

So, here’s my live blog of the Oscars, as I was watching:

Nice looking set. Why the Oscar statues on stripper poles?

Bradley Cooper’s mother looks exactly like him. Is that bad?

One joke, right into the music. Good choice.

Eastwood has no idea what’s going on.

Nice effects.

“Godfather II, the movie Clue.”

That’s gotta be the only time that movie has been referenced at the Oscars.

Anna Kendrick. Way to make an opening better.

Nice Gone Girl joke.

YES. Jack Black.

I love that he’s the villain of this song!

This is pretty terrific.

Nice applause break. I’m loving this.

Busting out the costumes.

Stormtroopers, nice touch. Just cause why wouldn’t Stormtroopers be in any musical number?

Loved that number.

Needed more Anna Kendrick.

Did Oprah bring Steadman?

OPRAH BROUGHT STEADMAN!

“That whole thing, completely improvised.”

Awkward way to segue back into a monologue.

Nice monologue though. How we love movies.

Jokes aren’t working, but there aren’t that many of them.

Busting out with Supporting Actor, as per usual.

Lupita looks fucking great. As per usual.

Her entire dress is a pearl necklace. Definitely not open for any kind of jokes.

Shit, busted out with a Robin Williams quote. I guess the theme of this year’s Oscars is, “Let’s quote the dead people we lost.” Is Ebert next?

This is where we all think The Judge is better than it actually was.

They picked the car scene for Hawke? Should have picked the end, when he’s consoling him after the breakup.

Shirley MacLaine is sitting behind Hawke.

NORTON!

They picked that moment? Okay. I guess because he doesn’t curse. But a nice look at the end. That makes up for it.

Ruffalo. They picked that scene at all the other shows. Boring choice.

SIMMONS. All of his clips are great. So nice that he’s gonna win.

Winner: J.K. Simmons, Whiplash

Now I don’t have to riot.

So fucking deserved. This man was so brilliant .

STANDING OVATION!!!!!!

You don’t get many standing ovations.

Great speech, too. Tell your parents you love them. Good for him. Don’t give the bullshit speech, thanking everyone.

People should stop thanking their agents and studio people. Just give a good speech.

That Farmer’s joke wrote itself.

I love that they haven’t cut to commercial yet.

Shit. He’s doing a magic trick at the Oscars. Good for him.

LIAM NEESON.

Announcing the first Best Picture nominee.

The Grand Budapest Hotel.

“My old friend, Ralph Fiennes.” Nice.

And American Sniper.

Shit, double duty.

Neeson can handle it.

#1 and #4.

Trying to figure out how they figured out the pairings.

I’m guessing the remaining pairs are:

Birdman and Theory of Everything

Boyhood and The Imitation Game

Whiplash and Selma

Though Boyhood and Selma makes sense as a pair.

And then Whiplash and Imitation Game

And Birdman and Theory of Everything

Totally guessing. No fucking clue. But these things are fun for me.

I’m having more fun with this than the commercials.

“You have to do one, it’s required.” Harvey jokes.

Dakota Johnson.

Shit. Original Song.

Oh, they’re performing “Lost Stars.”

Maroon 5. Jeez.

This sounds awful.

He wasn’t the right choice. Needed a female voice.

The final note was strong, though. And the lighting is nice. Cause, you know, stars. Get it?

And then we cut to Keira.

And whoever that is next to Adrien Brody.

Is she famous or just someone he’s banging?

Oh, it’s Adam Levine’s wife. Got it.

The Dependent Spirit Awards.

$160,000 gift bags. Nice joke.

Jennifer Lopez and Chris Pine.

Animated Feature? Documentary Short?

Costume Design. That was the next choice.

He’s got those sociopath eyes.

She’s got the tits out. Big fan of that.

And… those.

I like the sets they’re putting up.

And how they’re showing the costumes.

Winner: The Grand Budapest Hotel

This chick won for Barry Lyndon!

And Chariots of Fire and Marie Antoinette.

Why is she getting an ovation? Do they know her? Or for the film?

“Thank you, Wes. This is you.” Great way to start a bunch of wins.

She thanked him for Life Aquatic and Darjeeling. Fuck yeah.

Look at Wes Anderson clapping. Can we make that a gif?

Reese.

Ring of Fire? Really? The musical choices at these shows are such shit.

Makeup.

Shit. Running along.

Two in a row for Grand Budapest. This is turning into 2011.

Hugo won most of its five Oscars early, and then disappeared.

Winner: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Bill Murray introduced her to Wes Anderson. And now she won an Oscar.

The moral is: Bill Murray makes shit happen.

The chick next to Wes Anderson is so Wes Anderson.

Channing Tatum.

They have Budapest guys opening the sets? That’s awesome.

Oh, he’s announcing that bullshit thing.

They’re just zipping along.

Where’s it gonna slow down? Because it will.

Okay. Natalie Portman in a commercial with a Janis Joplin song.

I think she left a wedding for perfume?

A lot of host here. Not a bad thing.

Chiwetel Ejiofor and Nicole Kidman.

Animated Feature?

I’m just gonna guess that for every random pairing.

Foreign Language Film.

ZAZA!

What a name.

Winner: Ida

YEAH BOY!

Loved that movie.

Please cut back to Clint Eastwood every time. I don’t think he knows where he is. Or at best, doesn’t care.

This is a real lively crowd. Lots of applause breaks.

He thanked his crew, who are drunk.

HE TALKED OVER THE MUSIC. Fuck yeah.

Shirley MacLaine.

Clearly to introduce Everything Is Awesome.

Boyhood and Theory of Everything.

So it’s Birman and Selma and Imitation Game and Whiplash.

AND Birdman. Shit. Three of those fuckers.

Good call. Do it now before you have to cut time.

LOVED “Crazy” and the screech. Perfectly edited clips package.

Neil Patrick Harris doing crowd work.

This is fun. Talking to the seat fillers.

Improvising too.

Oh. Carell.

K.

Weird moment. He doesn’t seem to be handling the comedy well.

Marion Cotillard. Nice.

Music choices too on the nose, but the audience doesn’t know who these people are anyway. So I guess they have to do that.

A HA HA Marion Cotillard is announcing Everything Is Awesome.

Please have that lego set turn into a real chorus with one person wearing a panda head.

That was a missed opportunity. Using an actual chorus for the song.

And the panda head.

Frank needs to be at the Oscars. We need the Frank head at the Oscars.

I hope everyone in that audience quickly realizes how bad of a winner this would be.

Will Arnett and Quest Love?

Devo?

What?

Love that Tegan and Sara are at the Oscars. That’s pretty great. More of them in the future.

Who the fuck is this girl in the commercial? Guillermo del Toro?

Robert Redford did the voiceover for that. Okay.

Nice Sheen cameo in that Goldbergs episode.

Kerry Washington and Jason Bateman.

Feels like a Screenplay award.

Could be announcing the President of the Academy.

Wait, I wasn’t listening, was that a Bond song?

Documentary Short.

Oh, Live-Action Short.

Winner: The Phone Call

Check out The Slender Thread. 1965. Sidney Poitier and Anne Bancroft. A feature about the same thing. Terrific movie. Syndey Pollack’s first movie.

AUSTRALIAN!

This rambling is better with the accent.

TALK OVER THE MUSIC! FUCK THE MAN!!!!

And now Doc Short.

Winner: Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1

What the fuck is that dress?

They’re gonna play the women off. You know they are.

They know they’ll cave to the pressure.

DON’T DO IT! FUCK THE MAN!

Is she wearing Tribbles?

“We should talk about suicide out loud.”

We should talk about Kevin out loud.

“Takes a lot of balls to wear a dress like that.”

A+

Viola Davis.

Announcing something bullshit, I’m sure.

The Governer’s Awards.

Yup.

Who won those?

Maureen O’Hara, Hayao Miyazaki. Shit. Fuck yeah.

Harry Belafonte!

Maureen O’Hara is the fucking best. More of her. She’s like 100.

Fuck, that was depressing, Miyazaki. “I’m proud to make films in the last era when you can do them with a pencil.” What the fuck? Keep that shit alive. Don’t be so pessimistic about it. I don’t want to hear that shit.

They should have had the translator from The Departed for Miyazaki.

Chris Rock!

DAY-O!

Man, he don’t sound too good.

More crowd work.

UK accents.

“Oh sure, now you like him.”

It’s better that he laughed.

Ooh, Annie joke. Ouch.

“With a British accent, it’s not at all insulting.”

That movie sucked, though.

AHAHA they announced Gwyneth after a bit about British accent.

Paltrow loves faking a British accent.

FUCK YOU MOCKINGBIRD MUSIC, though.

Also, “My friend, Tim McGraw.” Fuck you. You don’t get to call everyone your friend.

Remember Duets? Jesus.

Where’s Huey Lewis? He should be doing this.

He’s doing a good job with it. McGraw.

That hat is too big.

You think Glen Campbell has any idea what’s going on right now?

This song is kind of dickish. “I’m Not Gonna Miss You.” Because I won’t know who the fuck you are! “You’re my wife, and I’m dying. But you know what? I ain’t gonna miss you as I die. And I just made a hit record. And what?”

His wife and kids are there. Where’s he?

Glen Campbell is the Shelley Miscavige of the Oscars.

Bill Belichick should host the Oscars.

He said, randomly, during a commercial break.

It’s because the guy climbing that mountain sounded a lot like Belichick.

Why are you taking a chinsaw to your phone bill? Go paperless, motherfucker!

“Gonna Fly Now.” Okay

Okay, cool. Go Backstage.

BIRDMAN BIT!

AND MILES TELLER AS THE DRUMMER!

Nice.

“Acting is a noble profession.”

Wonder if that underwear bulge is real or not. We’re all thinking it.

Margot Robbie and Miles Teller.

GREAT pairing.

Probably to do sound categories.

Oh, wait, no the Tech awards. Right. They get attractive people to host that shit. Because someone has to light up a room full of trolls.

Let us clap for the shit we don’t know about.

“Take My Breath Away.”

Ah, here are the sound categories.

Sound Mixing.

Is Sienna Miller gonna give an award to her own movie?

Winner: Whiplash

Yup.

Editing has to be Sniper now. No way Birdman wins only one.

That was an awkward speech.

Shit, look at the Asian with the titties next to Terrence Howard!

Winner: American Sniper

Am I good or what?

Nice tux, Neil Patrick Harris.

Love the dark red coat.

Jared Leto.

Now Patricia Arquette wins.

Look at the beard on Bruce Dern.

That clip was very Keira.

That’s the only clip for Emma Stone.

And now, let Meryl sing.

Should have done “Last Midnight.” She fucking destroys that song.

Winner: Patricia Arquette, Boyhood

Like the instrumental of “Hero.”

Weird camera work, tracking in to Channing Tatum and the empty seat.

Boring speech.

Why is J-Lo next to Meryl?

FUCK YEAH, WOMEN!

Jared Leto’s gonna try to bang her.

AND THE PORN MUSIC!

Nice punchline to my inner monologue.

“Moon River.”

Duvall don’t give a fuck.

Hutcherson? Really?

Announcing a song.

“Grateful.”

Just guessing.

Knew that shit.

Nice background and lighting and shit.

Think I may have gotten epilepsy at one point.

Not a fan of that performance.

How does she get off that podium now?

Diane Warren claps like a crazy person.

Diane Warren looks like a crazy person.

And J-Lo’s tits.

The refrain to any good piece of writing.

Ansel Elgort and Chloe Moretz.

Okay.

She is two different colors.

Visual Effects.

Winner: Interstellar

Fucking told you people.

That guy with the scarf is great.

Anna Kendrick and Kevin Hart.

Same size.

Dirty Dancing music.

Interesting tux. I like it.

They made short jokes.

Animated Short.

This’ll be interesting.

Winner: Feast

They love them some dogs.

Disney has now won twice since 1969, and twice in three years. Good to know.

The shorts are not so freaking amazing this year.

Moving along.

Animated Feature.

This’ll be interesting.

Zoe Saldana and Dwayne Johnson.

GODDAMN Zoe looks good.

Winner: Big Hero 6

K.

HA HA HA DRAGON LOST!

The cast and crew in the audience. Awesome.

I love that his wife is crying. That makes me feel good about this win.

STOP PLAYING PEOPLE OFF ASSHOLES!

Don’t cut the speeches, the speeches are why we’re here. Cut the unnecessary clips packages and extra songs and shit.

Lot of host stuff. I like it. They’re comfortable with him.

Hi, Cheryl Boone-Isaacs.

Please say Dick Poop.

I love that Dick Poop was trending on Twitter after she came out.

She’s gonna be known for that from now on. That’s awesome.

She’s talking about Sony, isn’t she? I wasn’t paying attention. This is the international piss break.

Chris Pratt and Felicity Jones.

“Hooked on a Feeling.” Get it? Because it was in that movie. Man, these people are clever.

Production Design.

More Budapest.

Winner: The Grand Budapest Hotel

One of the biggest locks of the night.

Stage is set for Wes Anderson to win Screenplay.

Wes Anderson is the New Zealand of this Oscars.

Idris Elba and Jessica Chastain. Completely different skin tones.

Cinematography.

Almost didn’t catch it because I was staring at her chest.

Goddamn, Chastain.

Winner: Birdman

I love that she just said “Chivo.” That was awesome.

Birmdan is on the board.

Oh, she worked with him on Tree of Life. That’s why.

Nice applause for Inarritu. He’s winning.

“I’m All Right”? Okay.

Meryl.

Dead people montage. Gotta be.

Lady Gaga singing it? Seems that way.

Why were they teasing her that long? This isn’t 2010.

I feel like Meryl’s done the dead people montage a few times the last couple years.

No clips. Just drawings. I guess that speeds it up.

GEOFFREY HOLDER! YES!

Aren’t you glad you know who died because of my article?

When did Louis Jourdan died? Had to be in the last two months. I’d have had him in the article otherwise.

Wait, Williams went, Bacall went…. Who are they saving for the end?

ELI WALLACH!

HOSKINS!

NICHOLS.

Oh, right. Nichols is the last one. That makes sense.

Jennifer Hudson.

Okay.

She looked better chunky.

This song doesn’t need to be there.

This is why you run long.

Skinny Jennifer Hudson is bullshit.

That song was unnecessary and that could have saved you five minutes.

Naomi Watts and Benedict Cumberbatch.

Editing.

Big one.

Winner: Whiplash

YEAH BOY!

There goes Boyhood. That shit is over.

Terrence Howard.

Announcing Whiplash and The Imitation Game and Selma.

He’s acting up there? What’s going on? Why is he crying?

And now… what are they announcing?

Documentary.

There we go.

Last of the bullshit categories.

KEVIN MCALLISTER DID LAST DAYS IN VIETNAM?

Home Alone Shocked

Winner: CitizenFour

Yup. That was more of a lock than I gave it credit for all along.

What’s left? Score, Song, both Screenplays and the big four.

What’s with her sleeves?

More crowd work.

And commercials.

Octavia Spencer.

Announcing Glory, no doubt.

Best performance of the night. And I wrote this seconds into it.

Legend is killing it.

This performance is so good they’re gonna feel so shitty if this loses.

Why did all the songs end with the title being spoken? Anyone else notice that?

See that ovation? You guys are gonna feel so shitty if this loses.

People are actually fucking crying. This better win. Rig that shit if it hasn’t won. You’re gonna look so terrible if this loses.

Then again, it went on last. Usually when that happens, they know it won. Like with “Let It Go.”

Eddie Murphy is there. Awesome.

Nice Travolta joke.

Idina Menzel.

YEAH!

She’s gorgeous.

Travolta too. Nice.

I’m glad he’s making fun of himself.

This is actually a really nice bit and shows he’s not that big of a douchebag. Nice job, Travolta.

Winner: “Glory,” from Selma

Thank god.

Overall, a great five minutes at the Oscars.

Great speech too.

And now everyone feels a little less racist for the next few hours.

“We live in the most incarcerated country in the world,” Legend says, and Common lifts his Oscar, as if that’s gonna do something.

What’s next? One of the Screenplays or Score.

Typically they do Best Actor before Best Actress, but they should switch that around this year, since Actor is the tighter race.

Then again, maybe they want it that way.

Scarlett Johansson.

Announcing Gaga.

Oh. Sound of Music. 50 years old. She’s gonna sing a tribute to that?

I hope Tony Bennett plays the Christopher Plummer part.

She’s doing a good job.

Imagine Julie Andrews having those tattoos.

Too long. Solid, but too long.

AND NOW JULIE ANDREWS!

YES!!!!!!!!!!

That made it all worth it.

Julie Andrews is the fucking best.

Seriously. I got so inordinately happy when Julie Andrews walked onto that stage. No announcement, nothing. That was the best.

I actually almost teared up. Julie Andrews is the best.

Julie Andrews just referenced The Godfather and Star Wars.

It’s weird to think of Julie Andrews even having seen those movies, let alone possibly voting for them. Ever think about that? What has Julie Andrews voted for Best Picture?

Anyway, Score.

Holding onto my false hope that Theory of Everything wins. Seems unlikely at this point.

She said Budapest the correct way.

Theory of Everything is a better score than I thought it was the first time.

Interstellar is fucking great.

Mr. Turner score sounds like a Hitchcock score.

Listen to that Imitation Game score. How does that not win?!!!!

Winner: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Finally, Desplat wins. Good for him.

Hans Zimmer awkwardly on camera. He hasn’t won in 20 years.

Wonder who’s presenting Best Picture? Is it Eddie Murphy and Oprah? They announced them. That could be it.

Will Smith, Michelle Obama and Jack Nicholson, Spielberg, Cruise, Hanks… those were all the recent ones. You need stature to do it. Though typically they don’t announce who it is beforehand.

Eddie Murphy doing Screenplay.

Which one?

Original.

Winner: Birdman

Shit.

All right.

Very happy.

But damn. No Wes. Which means Birdman’s got it all in the bag.

Inarritu can pull off the hat trick.

Nice to stop them from playing off the family stuff.

Though that guy just thanked his dog.

“Nobody Does It Better.”

Oprah.

Nice way to play her on.

Adapted Screenplay.

Imitation Game got a cheer.

Winner: The Imitation Game

She said that like “Everybody’s getting a CAR!”

“Thank you so much to the Academy. And to Oprah.”

He’s…flamboyant.

“When I was 16 years old, I tried to kill myself. Because I felt weird and I felt different and I felt that I did not belong. And now I’m standing here, and so I would like this moment to be for that kid who feels like she’s weird or she’s different or she doesn’t fit in anywhere. Yes you do. I promise you do. You do. Stay weird, stay different, and when it’s your turn, and you are standing on the stage, please pass the same message to the next person that comes along.”

GOOD FOR HIM

BEST GODDAMN SPEECH OF THE NIGHT

Let us also appreciate that I typed all that shit out as he said it.

Affleck for Director.

That’s a fuck you to him.

Winner: Alejandro G. Inarritu, Birdman

Smells like balls. Love that he pulled that line.

He should have pulled that line during every speech.

Good for him though.

He’s gonna pull off the hat trick.

So right now, we’re looking 4 Budapest, 4 Birdman. And only Keaton can break the tie.

4 Birdman, 4 Budapest, 3 Whiplash. Can we talk about how those are three of my top four movies of the year? And how great these Oscars are for me?

Blanchett. Here we go. Best Actor.

I want my friends to call me Golden Eagle.

Winner: Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything

Yeah. Can’t beat SAG and BAFTA.

Statistics, motherfucker.

Great speech.

“Eye of the Tiger.”

Here’s McConaughey.

Let’s see how long Julianne goes.

A HA Felicity Jones’ clip ran long and they clapped early. That was great.

Winner: Julianne Moore, Still Alice

Not a single surprise of the night so far.

Not one.

Not even a moderate one.

Picture’s the only thing left.

Oh, but let’s hear the speech before we worry about that.

Standard speech.

Who’s presenting?

Oh, the magic trick.

Anyway…

Sean Penn.

Winner: Birdman

“Who gave this son of a bitch his green card?”

That’s racist.

Hat trick.

Inarritu. Writing, Directing, Producing.

“Two Mexicans in a row, that’s suspicious, I guess.”

Keaton.

“Who am I kidding? It’s just great to be here.”

He’s the best.

Man, it’s gonna be real fun to see all the bitterness of the Boyhood people tomorrow.

– – – – – – – – – –

Yup. So those are my notes. I’ll check in tomorrow with the recap of everything, and then we go on vacation the rest of the week.

And then Sunday.

Which… well, I won’t spoil it. But it’s good.

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