Mike Watches Fifty Shades of Grey

Sometimes a movie comes along that deserves a write up.

I started watching this movie back in February and pretty quickly realized I had to write it up as I watched it, otherwise there was no point. It was really the only way I was gonna get through it. I’m not sure if that was a good idea or not. But we’ll find out.

I doubt this movie will end up Unforgivable at the end of the year, because honestly, they capitalized on a cash cow. I didn’t fault Twilight for the same thing, so why would I fault this? It’s a terrible movie, sure, but I’m fine with them making all the money. So this write-up isn’t to get a jump on the Unforgivables list. It’s purely based on just me watching it and deciding to write what I’m thinking as I watch.

So here’s what happens when I watch Fifty Shades of Grey:

I’m thirty seconds in and already I feel bad for Annie Lennox.

Oh boy, establishing shots of a city. Never seen that before.

What’s with these credits? He’s running, and then he’s picking a tie, and then there’s a school, and then he gets in to a car – what am I watching?

“… and Marcia Gay Harden.” You forgot “is so embarrassed to have been a part of this movie.” Or maybe more appropriately, “Only did this because they shot it about a mile from where she lives.”

Francine Maisler cast this movie. She also cast The Usual Suspects, Milk, Moneyball and 12 Years a Slave.

Danny Elfman wrote the Simpsons theme. And he composed Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, Back to School, Beetlejuice, Batman, Edward Scissorhands and Spider-Man. 4 Oscar nominations.

Dana Sano was also the music supervisor on Se7en, Friday, Boogie Nights and Magnolia.

Mark Bridges won an Oscar for doing the costumes for The Artist. He also did costumes for Boogie Nights, Magnolia, There Will Be Blood, The Master and Inherent Vice.

Anne V. Coates edited Lawrence of Arabia.

And why did this movie require two additional editors?

David Wasco was the production designer on Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown, Rushmore, Royal Tenenbaums, Kill Bill, Collateral and Inglourious Basterds.

Seamus McGarvey was the DP on The Hours, Atonement, Anna Karenina and Godzilla.

What she does to her hair in the mirror – that’s not how women fix their hair.

Is her having a ponytail some major element to her character? Why did we track in on that?

I bet the ponytail does it.

This is a mystery, right? Or is the only mystery how this book and movie both made so much money?

She bit her lip. I hate her.

Wait, she’s about to leave to interview someone and forgot she was supposed to have a recorder on her?

That roommate doesn’t look too sick to go to this interview.

She said she has a 4.0 GPA. That’s Natalie level “I’m smart” exposition.

Why did she kiss her roommate on the head? My roommates don’t like it when I kiss them on the head.

It was pointed out to me that this started as Twilight fan fiction.

That explains the lip bite.

Now she’s driving 90 MILES just for an interview? Do it over the fucking phone!

The author of this book is now a member of the PGA. I just want you all to know that.

Oh, wow, there’s just a parking space right in front of one of the most busy buildings in the city.

A HA HA HA there’s a shot of her looking up at a giant penis building.

(If Terrence Malick made a porno.)

This was also as the writer’s name showed up on screen, because talk about dick in the ass subtlety.

The funny thing being there will actually be a dick in the ass in this movie.

Wait, she seriously has a printout of questions to ask this guy?

Why is her name on the top of the page? Fucking seriously? Would someone else have confused them for their pages? Is there a copy of interview questions for someone else?

They know who she is once she gets off the elevator? Why are they taking her coat? What the fuck is this place?

Why are they paging like a doctor’s office? What is going on here?

What do they do in this place?

Do they even tell us what this guy’s job is? Or is “rich” a job in this universe?

What a shitty assistant. She leads her to the door and then makes her push it open herself? That’s a dick move.

Oh no, she trips into his office.

This was clearly fan fiction.

Of course they use their full names.

Wait, what’s going on? Her friend is sick so she’s doing an interview for her? Really? You can just reschedule. You’re not even the same fucking MAJOR.

Why did he agree to this in the first place? A random journalism major wants to ask him questions. That’s like if some high school student asked Richard Branson for a sit down, as opposed to a fucking NEWSPAPER and he said yes.

He only has ten minutes. Sure he does.

She doesn’t have a pen? What happened to the one that just hit the floor? Did no one pick it up?

Why does he have pencils on his desk? Nobody uses pencils anymore.

For the “special graduation edition of the school newspaper.” Yeah, you sound like you’re in college.

Stop sounding like a high school chick. That makes this even creepier.

He’s giving the commencement address. Why? And why didn’t she know that?

Note: It was at this point during the initial watching of the movie that I realized I was live-blogging and actually was going to put effort into the watching of this movie. And since I had shit to do at that time, I had to turn it off and put on another movie instead, one that I could not have to invest as much attention into. Which turned out to be Spongebob: Sponge Out of Water. Which has about the same masturbation ratio.

“The key to my success is that I’m a fucking baller.” Is basically how he answered that question.

What shitty questions. This is a journalism major asking them? She should not be allowed to graduate. (And apparently she’s gonna be the valedictorian.)

What’s this shit about his heart?

She’s an awful actress. That’s not entirely true. She was good in Social Network. This is awful writing. She’s certainly not making it any more tolerable, though.

“You aren’t married. Oh, you were adopted at age four.” Weird transition. Does him being adopted explain why he’s not married? Are you gonna ask him if he has powers? Because that should be the first question orphans are asked.

“That’s a matter of public record.” Okay. She’s just pointing out that public record. Should she only be asking you questions not from the public record?

She asks if he’s gay. And he just answers.

I’m curious if in this universe, if he was gay, if that would have been considered a “scoop.” Would that have changed anything if he was? Does that lose him points on the CEO power scale or something?

She said “curious” and bit down on the pencil. Fuck you, movie.

“What about you?” FUCK YOU. I’m out.

Okay guys, I’m back. With more booze. This movie is a taller order than I expected.

“Earlier you said…” So, like a minute ago?

That was not ten minutes when that chick walked in. Unless she was interrupting to say that everyone was in the conference room for his next meeting. But he just cancels it like it’s nothing. Was it important? Do all of these people have to go home? That’s a dick move, having someone come all the way to your place and then telling them to get the fuck out. Not even reschedule? Not even push fifteen minutes? Because by the time this interview is over, I guarantee those people that came up to meet you are still only getting to their cars. This woman doesn’t know how meetings work.

Oh, so now he wants to know about her. Because that’s normal.

“Tell me, was it Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte or Thomas Hardy who first made you fall in love with literature?” Why is it those three? I’m so confused. Why did she answer? Why is it one of those three? Is he being a dick because of her terrible questions? I don’t think the movie is smart enough to do that.

What is going on?

“I was planning on moving here, to Seattle.” Yes, we know where we are. There was a sign before.

He wants her as an intern. There’s a lawsuit.

You think he pays his interns? Because technically he’s gonna use her as an intern for the rest of this movie anyway.

“Look at me.” “I am.” Kill me.

So he takes the pages to answer them later?

She drove 90 miles for about eight minutes with the guy, not even the ten he said he had. He cancelled a meeting that didn’t need to be cancelled, and then in all the time it takes her to drive back, he sits down and answers the questions better than he did during the actual interview. What a waste of time.

Her car should be towed right now. There’s no way that was a spot.

“Holy cow”? That was erotic for her?

She uses adjectives.

What a shitty google images that computer has.

“And now you’re defending him.” What is going on?

And she just took her sandwich? What a horrible roommate. And she just leaves her laptop there for her to masturbate?

Yes, daydream about the random dude you met for ten minutes.

Suck that pencil, ho.

Is that Drake?

Her friend does photos. He’s totally gay.

What a shitty car. Nobody drives a car that shitty. That’s deliberately shitty.

Oh, she works at a hardware store. Subtle.

Her parents can’t come to graduation. What shitty parents.

Oh, she has a stepdad. Daddy issues. Typical.

And now he’s a creepy stalker.

He should have said he’s looking for a screw.

But seriously, how did he know she works here?

Why would he need cable ties? He’s gonna murder somebody.

Masking tape.

Is that the joke? That we think he’s a murderer, but no, it’s just weird sex stuff.

And rope.

What if she worked at like, Staples?

“Anything else?” “What would you recommend?” Sell him a bunch of shit.

Yeah right, like this place in the suburbs of Washington has paper bags.

“Want me to bag for you, Anna?” What kind of offer is that? Does he not think she’s capable?

HA HA he has a driver to hold his creepy sex stuff. This is why you have people.

Oh, so that’s why we met photo guy? So this elaborate setup could be explained?

He can’t hear them whispering about him?

He’s asking if these people are her boyfriends. Why is this coming off like an uncle asking about a teenager? Also, why boyfriend? And not, “Are you banging?”

She studies English lit so she has to be a romantic? I studied English lit because it was easy as fuck.

Oh man, I hate it when I almost get hit by a biker and have a weird sex moment.

“I’m not the man for you. You should steer clear of me.” You’re the one coming onto her. What the fuck is happening?

She randomly can quote books? People can’t quote books anymore.

“I can’t accept these, I have to send them back.” Sure you can’t.

Of course drunk dial the creepy billionaire.

I like her better when she’s drunk.

So he’s just gonna find her? What is this, Terminator?

Oh, photo guy isn’t gay, he just wants to bang her secretly.

No way, Jose.

Jose won’t take no for an answer.

That vomit was too clean. I’ve been around many a drunk chick, it’s never that clean for that level of drunk.

He’s still staying at the hotel? That’s so stalkerish.

And he’s leaving his brother to bang her roommate.

She fainted? Jesus.

I’m regretting my decision to live blog this movie.

Yes, leave notes to explain what to do with orange juice and aspirin.

Also, no way are those not roofies and gin.

“How are you feeling?” “Better than I deserve.” What? No seriously, what?

And he just takes his shirt off. As you do.

“You’re here because I’m incapable of leaving you alone.” A HA HA HA HA HA HA kill me

“Enlighten me, then.” Seriously, kill me.

“I would like to bite that lip.” “I think I’d like that too.” How did this not win Best Screenplay?

There’s a good way to get laid. Make them sign a written consent form first.

Random businessmen in suits always gather outside of elevators. That’s their favorite pastime.

Oh good, the roommate and his brother are banging. Because we met them. They have to be dating. God forbid they bang randos.

He said laters and I immediately want him to die.

Why are we not making a bigger deal about the billionaire wanting to bang the random college chick?

Oh good, a helicopter. With his company name plastered all over it. That he’s flying.

This is female fantasy bullshit.

“Seattle? That’s where we’re going?” Yeah. He works there, remember?

No way you’re allowed to fly that low to the ground.

Oh good, more establishing shots. Just what I wanted. No titles, too?

“Would you like a drink?” Didn’t you just disapprove of her getting shitfaced a DAY ago?

“Do you play?” “Yes.” “Of course you do.” He has a fucking piano. Would be pretty stupid to own if he didn’t play.

Sex NDA.

“Are you gonna make love to me now?” There is not enough booze in the world to help me make it through this movie.

I like that his lawyer is aware of his creepy sex tastes and told him to make girls sign an NDA. Because I guess it would be weird to find out that a billionaire likes chains and whips and shit. Motherfucker, have you been to Japan?

Can we get a scene where we see Wes Anderson style overhead shots and he explains what each sex tool is? “Let me tell you about my sex dungeon.”

What the fuck? She lives at his house for the weekend, but not with him, and he says he doesn’t sleep with anyone even though he slept in the same bed as her the PREVIOUS NIGHT.

A CONTRACT? You really need to drink to make it through this movie.


“Where have you been?” “Waiting.” Fuck you.

42 minutes. Finally some nudity. Not that I’m particularly interested in it, but that is the selling point of this movie, right?

Sex scenes are not erotic whatsoever. Especially when they’re set to Sia.

You should really let this sex scene play out for like 12-14 minutes. I’d give this movie five stars if you did that.

I’d also bump this movie up a full star if we see a random scene of them doing sheets the next day.

I thought he never slept with anybody.

And cut to the Rolling Stones. Because what could make less sense?

I’d like this cooking scene better if she had no idea how to cook.

Oh, I see what you did there. You took Beast of Burden and made it about sadomasochism.

The moral of the story, ladies, is that if you wait long enough, sometimes a billionaire is willing to take your virginity.

That bath didn’t clean you.

You only asked if she trusted you NOW?

I hope he makes her stand naked in that room for fifteen minutes.

Don’t tie her up with a tie. That’s probably expensive. Use that rope you bought from her the other day.

I hate it when I’m going down on a girl and my mother shows up.

Is meeting mom part of the contract?

He can’t have lunch, he has to drive her home. What about your helicopter? And what kind of excuse is that?

That was a weird mom visit. It’s like she only showed up for the plot.

“How many women have stayed in here?” “Fifteen.” Shit. You gave a number.

I like how he banged her before he made her sign the contract. Leave the terms, take the virginity.

More shots of highways. We’re just filling in the screen time with nonsense, aren’t we?

We’re standing outside a meadow in the state of Washington an speaking shitty dialogue. How fucking Twilight can you get?

How old is this guy? He’s telling her she’s the only one that could get him to do this “abnormal” behavior, yet he’s gotta be like 31.

“Email me if you have any questions.” “I told you my computer’s down.” Bitch, this is the 21st century.

You get a lot of mail for a college student. You get more mail than I get now.

You and your roommate have awkward conversations.

Imagine this movie being reversed. And it was a guy and a woman billionaire. More ridiculous or less?

So he’s having her sign another contract that says it’s confidential. Is anyone paying attention to the dialogue here?



What kind of weird fucking internet is this?

This actually seems like a pretty good fitness plan. She’s eating healthy, running. That’s not so bad.

What’s her job situation like? I’m sorry, I’m way more interested in that than her being tied up right now.

Can I be blindfolded? That might make this movie more tolerable.

Why did this book sell so many copies?

I’m actually impressed at how many words they cut out of this script to prevent the shitty book dialogue from appearing. “That was really nice.” *long sigh* “What are you doing to me?” That’s like four terrible lines in between we cut out.

He’s got welts on his chest. Or pimples. That’s that bad Irish skin.

There are multiple scenes in this movie that are just text conversations between the two of them.

Oh look, one nicely composed and lit shot. I needed something to remind me this was a movie and not a nightmare.

Is she using the same pencil?

They should have brought in lawyers for these contracts. That would have made this way more entertaining.

Oh man, no anal fisting? He should have snuck that in there like the Willett Creek Dam.

And vaginal fisting? Killjoy.

Why are fellatio and vaginal fisting the only two on the list?

How do you not know what a butt plug is?

This is why we needed the Wes Anderson montage.

Do you always have dinner brought in to a business meeting?

Do the others not show the same commitment to the contract signings?

This is how all sex should go. Careful negotiations. I’m gonna try that next time.

How long is this meeting scheduled for? Do the cleaners expect jizz in the conference room?


Why does she always get a spot in front of buildings?

Why is she flirty all of a sudden?

Wait, you moved to Seattle before graduation?

Oh, right, commencement speaker. I almost forgot that shitty plot point.

I just zoned out for like five minutes.

Wow, they really just redid Twilight, didn’t they? Like, all of it. Is that how to make money? Redo Twilight, just slightly differently?

Happy graduation, take this car, now let me put it in your butt.

Did you guys know this movie is banned in Kenya?

Oh, I’m sorry, I’m reading other things, because I don’t care about this movie.

Why would you not know how birth control works? Haven’t you done this before?

Yup, totally checked out for this sex stuff.

Is this supposed to be erotic? Why is this a movie?

What am I watching?

Sinatra? Don’t do that to Sinatra.

And now they’re just dancing.

She dances weird.

Why are the roommate and the brother dating? What kind of horse shit is that?

“My mother’s in Georgia?” “What part?” “One of the two places anyone’s ever heard of.”

Is she really having a difficult time with this? Fuck you. You don’t deserve any of this. This shit is tame. I’m not even into that stuff, but what I’ve seen is nothing compared to what she’s getting from him for agreeing to do it.

“It’s you that’s changing me.” AHA HA HA HA booze

His mother was a crack addict? That’s… random.

I’m so tuned out right now. This happens during all of these movies. Always at the same time.

He gave her all these things yet she still has a flip phone.

Maybe if you put this level of effort into your Sprint contract we wouldn’t be here.

She remembers what clause from the contract prevents her from drinking?

Why did you introduce her by full name to random pilot guy?

I’m openly not paying attention to this movie at this point.

“I got business shit going on, but instead, I’d like to whip your tits for a while.”

Did he go to knot school?

He should put on Enya right now. “Sail away, sail away, sail away…”

This just turned into a sexy version of Roots.

Her safe word is Toby.

Wait, she still hasn’t signed the contract? What the fuck am I watching?

“Fifty shades of fucked up.” Is that a walk-off? Can I end everything right now? Because I want to. In more ways than one.

This movie is better than it deserved to be. Even though it’s still awful.

She told him to do the worst, and he whipped her? Pretty sure anal fisting would be involved with “the worst.”

Well this is a shitty ending.

So she leaves him and then goes to sleep in the other room?


Aww, he’s sitting in his penthouse sad like Christian Bale did when Maggie Gyllenhaal blew up.

“I want my car back.” “It was sold.” “Then I want the money he got for it.” What? Have him get the car back. What fucking money could he have gotten for that piece of shit? What do you even do? Can you afford a car?

That was the ending? Man, that sucked.

– – – – – – – – – –

That was really the only way I was gonna get through this.

So tomorrow we actually start all the movie stuff. There’s gonna be lots of that over the next few months.


2 responses

  1. Hi I have started a blog about short films catered to people interested in film or filmmaking would mean a lot if you could check it out
    I also have a Twitter if you’d like to follow-@brevisweb

    July 6, 2015 at 3:19 pm

  2. Mark

    Mike – Great post, it made me laugh good and hard throughout. I’m so glad I had the thought in my head, “I hope there is a B+ Movie Blog post about this crappy movie I just watched.” This almost made me enjoy the movie more. Not in the way that I will ever watch it again, but in the way that your running commentary enhanced the experience after the fact, which I guess is just about the highest praise I can heap on a movie review. Thank you for being the witty, savvy, review that is way better than the one in my head.

    March 15, 2016 at 1:52 pm

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