Ranking Disney: Big Hero 6 (2014), Part I
This has become a tradition. I did the original set of articles in 2012. And they were very brief. One part, not too many shots in them. And then the Bond articles happened and then Fun with Franchises happened. It was a progression. But now, each time a new Disney movie comes out, I write it up. Though now that Fun with Franchises has set the standard, they’re all at least four parts.
This movie came out a year ago, but fortunately we’re busy here, so this is the first time I have time to go over it. I wasn’t particularly excited for it. Disney shouldn’t be doing superhero movies. It’s not who they are. So I went in with a lot of trepidation.
And, after seeing it twice now, I’m still not sure I like it very much. It’s fine. It entertains you enough, but the story feels slight, there is no character development to speak of, and half the dialogue is way too dense for kids. It really makes me wonder what they were thinking when they decided to use the Marvel canon to create a kids movie. But it’s healthy to try different things. I’m just wondering if they tried them for the right reasons.
Anyway, here is Part I of Big Hero 6:
We begin in a mythical place…
Or the Macau portion of Skyfall?
Ah, San Fransokyo.
For relaxing times, make it Fransokyo time.
That’s a pretty big area for people to walk around and do nothing in.
If you want to make tech nuts jizz all over their Linux, combine San Francisco and Tokyo into a single location.
Blade Runner much?
What would the Pixar version of Tokyo Drifter look like?
I’ve spent many a night in an alleyway in Chinatown.
The Robot Mafia is gonna fuck you up.
Oh, I’ve seen this movie. It’s called Real Steel. It’s better than this.
If only you let the scene develop, the reveal of them being little toys might have worked.
She seems fun.
Why do you have eyes?
I hope it’s Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
Look at the size of that track suit guy!
Whoa, the score sounded a bit like the Venga Bus song the old guy from Six Flags danced to.
Why do we care about any of this right now? We started a movie by watching toys fight.
She look like she into some nasty shit.
Is this some kind of weird porno?
I think it might be some kind of weird porno.
I really think this might be some kind of weird porno.
Which you somehow weren’t using before this.
This is why you don’t build a robot with eyes.
Were you not watching him beat other people before this? Shouldn’t you have known what he was gonna do? Why are you so surprised?
Why are people betting on this?
Where are we? Why don’t we maybe establish a location first before we start showing random stuff?
You don’t want to mess with a one-eyed Asian woman. She’s been involved in some shit.
I didn’t know Tony Siragusa was in this movie.
“Who has the guts to step into the ring with little Yama?”
Is Little Yama your dick?
Are you seriously that afraid of his toy?
Also, was this the first match of the night? Why are you suddenly getting so afraid to fight him?
“Can I try?”
Now would be a good time for this:
“I have a robot. I built it myself.”
Why would you let a kid into this alleyway?
Seriously, how do you not see this is a hustle? General rule: if it looks too good to be true, it is.
“Beat it, kid.”
“House rules, you gotta pay to play.”
There’s a prostitution joke to be made here.
“Is this enough?”
That’s how you walk up in the club.
“What’s your name, little boy?”
Though I hope Big Hiro 6 is what he calls his dick
You’re white, Hiro Hamada.
Great job, guys. Less than three minutes in and already we’ve checked the racism box.
“Prepare your bot, Hiro.”
His boty is ready.
She must have fun key parties.
Is this supposed to make us like this kid? Have we abandoned all manner of storytelling? I thought this was Disney.
“Two bots enter, one bot leaves.”
Is this the Thunderdome?
What if both bots left together? “I’m parked over by the commissary.”
This is going well.
“That was my first fight… can I try again?”
“No one likes a sore loser, little boy. Go home.”
Why hasn’t anyone told him to go home before this?
“I’ve got more money.”
This is a trap. This is either a hustle or entrapment.
How much money is this, exactly?
“Megabot – destroy.”
Why is the robot looking at the other robot?
You took off the wrong arm.
ROBOT LAP DANCE.
ROBOT FACE FUCK
I feel so bad for those guys around him. They don’t even have the decency to be in a gang. They gotta hang around as lackeys for robot fights.
“No more little Yama.”
“This is not possible.”
“Hey, I’m just as surprised as you are. Beginner’s luck. Wanna go again?”
Here’s another problem with this movie. Normally you see your main character fail at the beginning, showing their shortcomings. It helps us sympathize with them and get to know who they are and what major flaws they will need to overcome. This doesn’t happen here. As far as we know (and will continue to know), our character has no flaw that needs to change. Which goes against the BASIC RULES OF STORYTELLING.
“No one hustles Yama!”
“Teach him a lesson.”
What?! ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ABOUT TO BEAT UP A CHILD RIGHT NOW?!
WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING???
IS IT BATMAN???
DEUX EX DELIVERY BOY
“Hiro, get on!”
Are you just gonna leave your robot behind?
This is how I am with infants.
Who are you running from, exactly?
“Are you hurt?”
You basically just asked the same thing twice.
“Then what were you thinking? Knucklehead.”
This exchange makes no sense. This makes it sound like he should have been hurt in order for it to be okay.
“You graduated high school when you were 13, and this is what you do with it?”
Dick in the Ass Exposition.
Were you guys really just walking up the alleyway after them? WHERE IS THE LOGIC?
“Bot fighting is illegal. You’re gonna get yourself arrested.”
“Bot fighting is not illegal. Betting on bot fighting – that’s illegal.”
“But so lucrative.”
Hey, if that’s your college fund, I got no beef.
“I’m on a roll, big brother. And there is no stopping me!”
Great. So in the first five minutes, our main character is a smarmy child genius who illegally hustles money from robot fighting in back alleys who has gotten arrested. Way to get us to empathize with him and want to root for him.
Title Card: The Departed
Uhh… all right.
Does Tadashi get raped? What’s the purpose of this shot? This is a Disney movie.
If she gave birth to them, she would be Mama Cass.
“Are you guys okay?”
“Then what were you two knuckleheads thinking?!”
So just so we’re all on the same page — there’s an illegal robot fighting dice game in the alley. The police somehow got word of this and decided to raid it. Our main characters were both there and got arrested. And this is a Disney movie.
“For ten years, I have done the best I could to raise you.”
Also, that means they’re orphans. And they’re gonna be given powers. Ugh.
“Have I been perfect? No. Do I know anything about children? No.”
Well, ten years, you must know something. Shit, I know nothing about children and I could care for one for a week and do a decent job.
“Should I have picked up a book on parenting? Probably.”
I forgot how much I don’t like this movie very much.
“Where was I going with this?”
“We love you, Aunt Cass.”
“Well I love you too!”
“I had to close up early because of you two fellas. On beat poetry night.”
Sounds like they did you a favor.
And a stress eating joke? This movie won an OSCAR.
“You better make this up to Aunt Cass before she eats everything in the café.”
Is she bulimic? Also, how can you make being arrested up to her in ten minutes?
“And I hope you learned your lesson.”
“You’re going bot fighting, aren’t you?”
“There’s a fight across town, if I book I can still make it.”
Wow, those are boring book titles.
“When are you gonna start doing something with that big brain of yours?”
“What, go to college like you? So people can tell me stuff I already know?”
“Unbelievable. Oh, what would Mom and Dad say?”
“I don’t know. They’re gone. They died when I was three, remember?”
Please don’t anyone ever defend this movie to me again.
“I’ll take you.”
“I can’t stop you from going, but I’m not gonna let you go on your own.”
So you can both get arrested twice.
That’s also dumb logic. Also, how does he know about all these illegal fights? If he found this on the internet, the cops know too.
“What are we doing at your nerd school?”
Why didn’t you notice he was taking you there earlier?
Everybody has Japanese names but they all look suspiciously white. Is this just okay to everyone?
“Is this gonna take long?”
“Relax, you big baby. We’ll be in and out.”
Shouldn’t you be upset about the fact that he took you somewhere you didn’t want to go?
“Oh great, I get to see your nerd lab.”
Seriously, you should be way more upset about this.
Damn! She got the booty!
This seems like a place for people to make stuff that doesn’t really serve a purpose.
“Whoa. Electro mag suspension.”
This is a kid’s movie, by the way. And you’ve explained nothing to us so far about anything.
“Hey. Who are you?”
“GoGo, this is my brother.”
Welcome to the nerd lab.”
“I’ve never seen electro mag suspension on a bike before.”
“Zero resistance. Faster bike.”
“But, not fast enough.”
Token black guy.
His name is Wasabi.
Spicy token black guy.
“Hello, Hiro, prepare to be amazed.”
His nose and lips are not something those animators should be proud of.
That seems pretty dangerous to just have around.
Of course. Just like in Cinderella.
WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT LASER PLASMA IN A KIDS MOVIE. WE’RE ONLY 8 MINUTES IN.
And he has OCD. Which is easily decipherable when you’re 6.
“I have a system. There’s a place for everything, and everything in its place.”
That’s kind of offensive, the black guy talking about things being kept in their place.
Weird that she randomly didn’t have her own tools.
And now crazy chick.
She’s talking over her loud music. Comedy.
She knows how to say hello, though.
“That’s a whole lot of tungsten carbide.”
“Four hundred pounds of it.”
And now she’s adding some chemicals. I’m not gonna bother to say what they are, because THIS IS A KID’S MOVIE.
That seems unhealthy to breathe in.
And then electricity. Because sure.
This seems not healthy at all.
“Chemical metal embrittlement.”
Kids movie. Still a kids movie.
“Not bad, Honey Lemon.”
That’s the kind of thing you say right before you slap her on the ass and tell her to pick up that file you dropped under the filing cabinet.
“Honey Lemon? GoGo? Wasabi?”
“I spill wasabi on my shirt ONE TIME, people!”
What’s your actual name, then? Knowing Disney, I bet it’s something like Bling Bling Jaquanson.
“Fred is the one who comes up with the nicknames.”
The guy we’re about to meet right now.
Ah, TJ Miller, playing a stoner. Real stretch.
Still curious, though — Tadashi has a real name and not a nickname. Everyone else has a nickname and not a real name. Great storytelling, guys! We don’t know these other people’s real names and you didn’t bother to give Tadashi a nickname because you’re gonna kill him in twenty minutes.
A sign spinner. Oh boy.
He’s not a student. He’s just kinda there.
He also wants to turn into Reptar.
And now all of our characters are going to gather around.
And this is apparently the entire enrollment in this school. We never see anybody else, so I’m left to believe no one else goes here. How can they afford to keep going? I know I saw other people before. Do they not matter?
Anyway, Fred goes on about some stupid shit. Invisible sandwiches and shrink rays. All of which are apparently “not science.” And yet what we just saw somehow was.
And apparently Tadashi can go off and do whatever he wants, but the rest of them have to work in packs and aren’t allowed to be individuals.
His window is a Poké Ball.
“So, what have you been working on?”
“I’ll show you.”
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Is this some kind of sick porno?
When someone asks what you’ve been doing in your super secret lab, don’t pull out a roll of duct tape and not say anything.
“This is what I’ve been working on.”
A giant condom friend?
“Hello, I am Baymax. Your personal healthcare companion.”
Personal healthcare companions already exist. They’re called whiskey.
“I was alerted to the need for medical attention when you sad ‘ow.’”
“On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your pain?”
“Physical or emotional?”
My thoughts exactly.
“I will scan you now.”
Damn gurl you lookin’ fine as hell.
“You have a slight epidermal abrasion on your forearm.”
“I suggest an antibacterial spray.”
“That’s a bummer. I’m actually allergic to that.”
“You are not allergic to bacitracin. You have a mild allergy to peanuts.”
“You’ve done some serious coding on this thing, huh?”
He just has that in there? Does that mean he has xanax and shit in there too?
“Programmed him with over 10,000 medical procedures.”
CAN HE DO A SEX CHANGE OPERATION?
“This chip is what makes Baymax, Baymax.”
Remember that for later kids. Hint hint, obvious closeup, hint.
“Yeah. Going for a non-threatening huggable kind of thing.”
“Looks like a walking marshmallow. No offense.”
“I am a robot. I cannot be offended.”
They go over technical specs. Which is apparently what this movie has instead of character development.
He can lift a thousand pounds.
“You have been a good boy. Have a lollipop.”
Where do you keep those? In your Baynus?
“I cannot deactivate until you say you are satisfied with your care.”
That’s a fucked up fail-safe. So can he keep saying he’s not satisfied until he gives him morphine?
DOES BAYMAX HAVE PARTY DRUGS?
I want my drug dealer to look like a giant marshmallow.
Gimme some of that Bay-Molly!
“Well then, I am satisfied with my care.”
“He’s gonna help a lot of people.”
You can send him to get weed for you when you’re lazy.
“What kind of battery does he use?”
I’d have guessed 9 volt.
“Super capacitors would be way faster.”
Did you not know that? I feel like you’d have known super capacitors would be faster.
“Burning the midnight oil, Mr. Hamada?”
And now we meet this random old guy. Cuz, sure.
He says some shit about his daughter. He’s a non-threatening old man.
“Pretty sick, huh? Wanna see how I put him together?”
“Hey, genius, he invented them.”
“You’re Robert Callaghan.”
You know who invented magnetic-bearing servos?
Oh, y’all didn’t know you were in the presence of greatness?
“Ever think of applying here? Your age wouldn’t be an issue.”
So what are the criteria for going into this school? Why wouldn’t age be an issue? This seems like a shady place. I don’t trust an old dude who tells a 14 year old, “You can come to my school.”
“I don’t know, he’s pretty serious about his career in bot fighting.”
And the hours don’t lend themselves to both?
“I imagine with your bot, winning must come easy. If you like easy, then my program isn’t for you.”
What program? People can do what they want.
“We push the boundaries of robotics here. My students go on to shape the future.”
If you say so, Captain Cardigan.
This would be known in GTA as a Faggio.
“We gotta hurry if we want to catch that bot fight.”
Yeah, I’m pretty sure he said if he went straight there and hurried he might make it. This was a lazy excuse to get us to this institute. Bad writing.
“I have to go here. If I don’t go to this nerd school, I’m going to lose my mind. How do I get in?”
Also, SERIOUSLY? Is that all it took to make him want to go despite months of him saying “fuck that shit”? What fucking terrible writing this is.
Why do you have a poster for an illegal activity on your wall?
How fickle is child.
“Every year the school has a showcase. You come up with something that blows Callaghan away, you’re in.”
So, like a bomb? Doesn’t he die from a bomb explosion? Is this foreshadowing?
Also, didn’t the guy already say he should apply and he’d get in? This seems like a lazy excuse to move the plot along.
“Trust me, it will be.”
He said, doing Walken Fingers.
Also, if someone tells you that you need to blow someone away, and they say that and make that face, stay away from them.
Oh-kay. Weird shot.
Eye of the Tiger? REALLY?
Just like Rocky IV.
What if he just stabbed himself with that?
Even if this is a fake montage, that was a terrible choice.
We’re still only like fifteen minutes into this movie. And we’ve gone from arrested to random nerd school to “I need to win this talent competition.” And we’re gonna end with SUPERHEROES.
“Wow, washed up at 14. So sad.”
How do either of you jerk off in here?
“I got nothing. I’m done. I’m never getting in.”
“I’m not giving up on you.”
You should. I have.
What am I watching?
Also, I like to think of that clock as dancing all the time.
“Shake things up. Use that big brain of yours to think your way out.”
“Look for a new angle.”
See? Doesn’t this get better if you think of the clock as dancing in the background?
How this gave him the epiphany, I’ll never know. And we’ll never know. Because they don’t bother to tell us.
What happened to the montage music?
How are we supposed to care about our hero if we cannot see or understand what he is doing? Really, really poor storytelling, guys.
Somehow they have a cafe, a house and a garage all in one location.
Do these people not have friends? Do they only hang out with each other?
Do you think they have orgies?
Look at dat booty.
Is he stealing these from the neighbors? Or is he buying them? Those cost at least $50 if you want to buy one from the city. Where is he getting the money?
Here’s another issue with this movie – he’s a rich smart kid. So he has more money than all of us and is way smarter than all of us. And we haven’t been given anything about him to like or identify with.
And we still don’t know what we just watched. Great job, guys.
Way to set up this competition as something that matters. We already know he’s going to win. This is pointless.
Would be better if his breathing apparatus was a mustache.
“Sweet tech here today. How you feeling?”
“You’re talking to an ex-bot fighter. Takes a lot more than this to rattle me.”
Again, this hasn’t been built up to mean anything, so who gives a shit?
“Yup, he’s nervous.”
She tells him to stop being such a little BITCH.
Time for the token black guy to say something sassy.
“I haven’t done laundry in six months.”
And this guy.
He wears his underwear four times. Wears ’em front, then back, then front and back.
“Wow. That is both disgusting and awesome.”
Oh wow, and it’s magically his turn. Weird how he showed up like right as he was about to go on and not a second before.
And now they all say catchphrases.
“What’s going on?”
“I really wanna go here.”
Why are you nervous all of a sudden after everyone just cheered you up? THIS IS BAD WRITING.
“Hey – you got this.”
That’s your pep talk?
Please start singing “In Dreams” and then drop the mic and walk off stage.
A candy-colored cloud they call the sandman…
“My name is Hiro Hamada.”
They know this. They announced you.
Is this a Richard Simmons hologram workout tape? AWESOME.
“This is a microbot.”
Same here, guy.
“It doesn’t look like much, but when it links up with the rest of its pals…”
“Things get a little more interesting.”
So he comes up with this in about five seconds and makes it in about a week in his garage. Sure. He had the money and the resources to do that.
Neural transmitter. Whatever.
“I think what I want them to do.”
“They do it.”
MAKE IT GIVE THEM THE FINGER.
What if you think about fucking the chick in the front row? Do they simulate that?
Why wasn’t Aunt Cass allowed to show up with everyone else? Was she parking the car? Or van? Or whatever the hell U-Haul truck it took to bring all those containers? Which somehow never fell over during transport?
Was Aunt Cass banging a dude in the bathroom? She seems like the type.
Uhh… it just created metal?
“If you can think it, the microbots can do it.”
Wow, if only that couldn’t ever fall into the wrong hands.
Again, if I can think about no more cancer, or like… donuts, can they do that?
That actually kind of works as a cut in. He doesn’t look suspicious and this works as him being impressed with the work.
Is that the first compliment I’ve paid this movie?
“The only limit is your imagination.”
So that happened. I don’t care.
Is that a sentient clapping robot? Or is it attached to that helmet the other dude is wearing?
She want some of that D.
Wasabi knows what I’m talking about.
Aww, that’s how he’s gonna die in five minutes.
Wow, the people in the school are congratulating him. This isn’t rigged at all.
Also, did they not know what he was working on? Why are they so happy? Because he was able to speak in public? Is this what we’ve become as a society?
“That was amazing!”
“Yes. With some development, your tech could be revolutionary.”
That’s a subtle dick move. “Yeah ,your shit can be great… with some work.”
“I want your microbots at Krei tech.”
Lisa, I wanna buy your rock.
“Mr. Krei is right. Your microbots are an inspired piece of tech. You can develop them, or you can sell them to someone who’s only guided by his own self-interest.”
These guys must be really great friends.
I’m not great with obvious social cues.
“This is your decision, Hiro. Who you gonna go with? The trustworthy old man who runs the carnival downtown, or the oily businessman who clearly deals arms under the table to brown people?”
He cuts corners and ignores science.
Plus… brown people.
“I wouldn’t trust Krei tech with your microbots. Or anything else.”
What a dick move.
“Hiro, I’m offering you more money than any 14 year old can imagine.”
Would you really say that to a 14 year old?
Also, this is an old man you met once. You have no reason to trust him other than he runs the school you want to get into and created some shit you use now, and he’s like, “Don’t fucking trust this guy” out of nowhere with no reasoning and no real purpose.
Why are you on the spot right now? We don’t even know if you got into the school. If my choice was school or money, and I really wanted the school, okay maybe. But if the schmuck in the water tank won, and it’s money or nothing, I’m weaponizing that shit. Cut the check, count my money, party with bitches.
“I appreciate the offer, Mr. Krei, but they’re not for sale.”
Or you could take his card and take a minute to think about it.
“I thought you were smarter than that.”
“Mr. Krei – that’s my brother’s.”
This dude Krei should sue this movie for libel.
“I look forward to seeing you in class.”
Would you have given that to him if he sold his tech?
Also, does he not pay tuition? What if he was like, “You’re in. Now pay me $84,000”?
This has to be frowned upon. Are any of the other contestants hanging out with students?
That’s like auditioning for a part in a movie when your best friend IS THE LEAD ACTOR.
Exposition Hall. You got that shit right.
“Dinner is on me.”
Is it whipped cream?
“We’ll catch up, okay?”
So all the non family members are gonna eat and these guys are gonna go off on their own?
“I know what you’re gonna say. I should be proud of myself cause I’m finally using my gift for something important.”
No, he’s gonna say you should have taken the money, you fucking moron.
“No, no, I was just gonna tell you your fly was down for the whole show.”
Still a Disney movie.
“Welcome to nerd school. Nerd.”
“Hey, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you, so – you know, thanks for not giving up on me.“
Giving up on him? He’s 14! And related to you!
Uh oh, fire alarm. Let’s run toward it!
That fire spread really quickly really fast. You were all just inside of there like seconds ago. Very strange plan by this guy.
Which is all Tadashi’s fault, by the way. If he didn’t make Hiro interested in this school, he wouldn’t have created the microbots, which is the reason this evil plan is happening. So Tadashi basically caused his own death.
“Are you okay?”
Well clearly not, she’s fucking COUGHING HER LUNGS UP!
Oh no, Professor Cardigan is still in there! Thanks, Exposition Lady!
They set this up too obviously that Tadashi’s about to die. The better way to play this would have been to have them start planning to work together to save the guy, and it’s, “Yeah, we’re gonna use our brains and work together and save the day!” And then Tadashi suddenly is dead and it blindsides you. Here, you know where this is going.
It’s your classic superhero orphan dead family member origin story.
Yeah, seriously, no.
“Callaghan’s in there. Someone has to help.”
And what if it was Krei? Would you still feel the same?
Of course his fucking hat falls off.
And this is why you always go eat right away.
Why did they stop, exactly?
For just this moment in the story.
Bad writing, people.
And of course he’s perfectly fine after this explosion.
And that’s the END OF THE MOVIE!
And that’s the end of the movie!
Or just Part I.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part II.