Ranking Disney: Big Hero 6 (2014), Part III

This has become a tradition. I did the original set of articles in 2012. And they were very brief. One part, not too many shots in them. And then the Bond articles happened and then Fun with Franchises happened. It was a progression. But now, each time a new Disney movie comes out, I write it up. Though now that Fun with Franchises has set the standard, they’re all at least four parts.

This movie came out a year ago, but fortunately we’re busy here, so this is the first time I have time to go over it. I wasn’t particularly excited for it. Disney shouldn’t be doing superhero movies. It’s not who they are. So I went in with a lot of trepidation.

And, after seeing it twice now, I’m still not sure I like it very much. It’s fine. It entertains you enough, but the story feels slight, there is no character development to speak of, and half the dialogue is way too dense for kids. It really makes me wonder what they were thinking when they decided to use the Marvel canon to create a kids movie. But it’s healthy to try different things. I’m just wondering if they tried them for the right reasons.

Anyway, here is Part III of Big Hero 6:

We begin Part III with another goddamn montage.

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We still don’t really know what that scanner does. Just kind of hooks up to the computer and does… stuff.

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This has nothing to do with the scanning.

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“The neural transmitter must be in his mask. We get the mask, then he can’t control the bots. Game over.”

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“The neural transmitter must be in his mask. We get the mask, then he can’t control the bots. Game over.”

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So you guys are doing this in the garage and not in the school that’s still functioning?

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Where are you getting the money for this?

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Did all their lab shit burn down? I’m confused. They were in the hall, not the robotics lab.

And why is he only slicing apples in half? Maybe try something harder. Like stones.

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The fact that you’re seriously about to do what you’re about to do shows how stupid this movie is.

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So does that purse have every element in it? How does that work? Maybe show me how that works rather than show a purse that can just synthesize elements out of nowhere.

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This purse must be super heavy and super dangerous.

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Why do you seem so surprised? Didn’t you design it? Or is the 14 year old actually doing everything for you guys?

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This seems dangerous.

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But he’s down for it.

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Is there legit science behind this?

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Is she stupid? Did she really think this was the bad guy until she lifted the mask? You know it’s bad when you’re not even sure if the one-dimensional character even has the one-dimensional character trait they’re supposed to have.

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Okay, she turned into a light cycle that fucked Pikachu.

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Wow, it’s almost like she has a character.

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Yeah, I’m sure that’ll work.

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This is like practicing against people four years younger than you and thinking that makes you prepared for the big game. Maybe practice against someone putting up a fight.

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And now he gets upgraded.

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Did you make that in your 3D printer?

I really want to know where you got the parts for this and the money for this.

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Where was Baymax during the previous montage? Did they keep him open the whole time?

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Seems like that would make him pop.

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Getting ready to go to the party like…

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That’s a weird cut in to follow the previous shot.

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How does he not pop with this?

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Why?

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That’s all I’m gonna ask is why.

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I guess no one looks out their windows.

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You lit stone on fire that quickly?

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What am I watching?

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Japan.

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Must suck wiping your ass.

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It’s a shame the most dangerous one is the wimpiest.

He’s also wearing hammer pants.

This looks like if Aladdin were made today.

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IT’S A FUCKING TENNIS BALL OF COURSE A LASER IS GOING TO CUT TROUGH IT MAYBE MAKE SURE IT CUTS THROUGH FUCKING MICROBOTS

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You guys remember Hook?

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And now he’s suddenly a badass? Okay.

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That thing cost money.

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Real easy when he’s not putting up a fight and doesn’t have an army of microchips surrounding him.

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It’s actually scary how many superheroes sit around a mansion most of the time.

Money is the real superpower, isn’t it?

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And that’s something she never uses.

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What the fuck are you wearing?

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Baymax 2.0.

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“Hello.”

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“Focus.”

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“Show them the fist.”

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“Ba-la-la-la-la-la-.”

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Hooray, property damage!

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“That’s just one of his new upgrades.”

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“I fail to see how flying makes me a better healthcare companion.”

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To the moon, Alice.

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And now the boring flying scene that serves no real purpose and will end with a woo hoo.

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Every flying scene has one of these.

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And one of these.

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This is super illegal.

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How did he know to go here?

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Super illegal.

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Those aren’t melting the bridge?

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Oh, there’s the Tokyo part of the bridge. That’s cool.

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“Your neuro transmitter levels are rising steadily.”

 

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“Which means what?”

“The treatment is working.”

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Does he not have to recharge?

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Baymax is Buckbeak.

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What’s the cost of living in this place? There’s no way any of this property is affordable. It’s San Francisco and Tokyo.

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Why do we never see anything else flying in this city?

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This isn’t making the news?

Do they have news?

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Is this where Trinity fell from that building?

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That’s totally the building they dropped Morpheus on where they caught the helicopter.

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This isn’t very San Francisco.

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That seems stupid and dangerous.

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Aww, just like with your brother who got killed shortly thereafter.

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Whoa, a city that gives a shit about renewable energy.

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And there’s the fucking woo hoo.

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“That was –’

“Sick.”

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“It is just an expression.”

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“Your emotional state has improved. I can deactivate if you say you are satisfied with your care.”

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“No, I don’t want you to deactivate. We still have to find that guy.”

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Oh yeah, that super scanner thing that he said once and was able to do perfectly that we never knew how it worked or when he did it. Great job, guys.

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“I have found a match.”

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Of course he’s on the island. Bond villain lair.

The island here Alcatraz was never built.

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“Killer view.”

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Of course the black guy has to ride below.

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Welcome to Jurassic Park.

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Oh good, a quarantine area. You’re all about to get radioactive.

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Of course he’s the one to say something.

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“Quarantine: a forced isolation to prevent contamination that could lead to disease or in some cases, death.”

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And you didn’t even kill it.

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“Well, at least we know our gear works.”

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Does this guy have security, or…?

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And he’s singing.

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“Fred, I will laser hand you in the face.”

That’s a line designed to get a reaction. Anything that ends with “you in the face” can always be funny if it ends harshly.

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GoldenEye.

“This structure is interfering with my sensor.”

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Oh hey, random door we’re gonna check because that’s where the plot is.

Is this the room they make the Gobstoppers in?

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Weird how you found the right room immediately. What’s in the rest of this facility?

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You don’t even really need the symbol if the plot is this easy.

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This is like Moonraker.

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Any reason this bird is the symbol of this project?

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EXPOSITION TIME!

Seriously, I thought Exposition Hall burned down.

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Krei.

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Ah yes, the Monocles for Giants program.

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Teleportation.

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Funny they’re standing right next to the thing and yet have to shoot a pilot into it.

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Abigail is going through.

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Weird how they don’t say her last name or rank. Wonder if that’ll be part of a reveal later on.

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Seems like you’re putting too much effort into this. Someone can just go through. You’re just asking for shit to go wrong.

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Slight irregularity.

Of course. Despite the dozens of times you tested it to get to this exact moment.

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And of course they go anyway.

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And of course there’s a problem.

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Why do they feel so bad right now?

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They think it’s clearly Krei.

Because characters have to make immediately conclusions.

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“Oh no.”

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How does this guy get in these rooms like this? Did he let them see all this? How did he know they were here? Very confused about all of this.

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Bits of that concrete would still break and hit them in the face.

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“It’s Fred time.”

It should never be Fred time.

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MICROBOTS OUT OF NOWHERE

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Good.

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“What is the plan?”

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“Get the mask.”

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“Right behind you.”

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“For real, what is the plan?!!”

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70 year old man, guys.

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You guys are doing a lot but not really accomplishing anything.

Just like this movie.

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Still a 70 year old man.

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SMOKE BOMB!

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Pretty sure that doesn’t exist.

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“Hey!”

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“You wanna dance, masked man?”

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“Hand over the mask or you’ll get a taste of this!”

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“Hey, I did all right.”

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“That all you got?”

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“You got that too?”

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Well that was convenient.

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Oh you just got fucked up.

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How does he not break a hip here?

Big Hero 6 - 1018

That must be kinda cool, thousands of microchips falling on you.

Big Hero 6 - 1019

This is like in wrestling matches when they do the 10 count.

Or when two people both start crawling for a gun.

Big Hero 6 - 1020

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What if it was Muammar Gaddafi?

Big Hero 6 - 1022

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Re-veal!

Big Hero 6 - 1025

It’s old man Callaghan who runs the science school downtown!

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“The explosion – you died.”

Clearly.

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“No, I had your microbots.”

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So, did you set the fire? I’m curious as to what actually happened there. The movie does a shit job of explaining it.

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“But Tadashi, you just let him die.”

“Give me the mask, Hiro.”

Give me the blood, Eli.

“He went in there to save you.”

“That was his mistake.”

CUT OFF THE KID’S HAND NOW!

Big Hero 6 - 1032

Oh, don’t look so shocked. He’s not wrong.

“Baymax, destroy.”

“My programming prevents me from injuring a human being.”

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“Not anymore.”

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Maybe hold onto that?

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Uhh, cause that’s a thing?

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“Destroy!”

With what? Karate moves?

KARATE MAKES YOU EVIL, GUYS

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What if he just shot him in the head right now?

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“No!”

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Get the fuck out of my face cycle chick!

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This is some Terminator shit. Kids are supposed to be terrified right now that the lovable robot is evil. But it’s not scary and it amounts to nothing. Horrible storytelling.

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I love how he’s suddenly evil just because his “evil” chip knows karate.

This is such white people shit.

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I’m not really sure why he should be dead other than the boy wanting vengeance. HE can’t control the things anymore. Your movie ends now.

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JUST DESTROY THE FUCKING MASK IDIOTS

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DID YOU REALLY COME BACK FOR THE MASK?!

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Oh look, Neville found the sword.

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You can fly.

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“My healthcare protocol has been violated.”

We’ve all been a little violated.

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“I regret any distress I may have caused.”

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“How could you do that? I had him.”

“What you just did, we never signed up for.”

“We said we’d catch the guy. That’s it.”

This is horrible. Absolutely horrible.

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“Find Callaghan.”

Scanner damaged. Naturally.

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Maybe we should try to talk the 14 year old boy out of murder.

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“Hiro, this isn’t part of the plan.”

Nope? Okay.

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He can’t be fucking far. Maybe follow him. Why is he suddenly gone. Look for the guy USING MICROCHIPS TO FLOAT ACROSS THE FUCKING BAY.

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What are we doing?

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“Your blood pressure is elevated. You appear to be distressed.”

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“Are you going to remove my healthcare chip?”

“Yes.”

“My purpose is to heal the sick and injured.”

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“Do you want me to terminate Professor Callaghan?”

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“Will terminating Professor Callaghan improve your emotional state?”

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“Yes! Uhh, no. I don’t know.”

“Is this what Tadashi wanted?”

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“Tadashi programmed me to—”

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“Tadashi’s gone!”

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“Tadashi’s gone.”

“Tadashi is here.”

“No, he’s gone.”

“Tadashi is here.”

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Somehow he knew to show him this right now.

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Why did he record this? Or rather, why is this still in there?

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You must be a shitty programmer to have it fuck up this badly this many times.

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“I’m not giving up on you. You don’t understand this yet, but people need you.”

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“Your neurotransmitter levels are elevated. This indicates that you are happy.”

“I am, I really am. Wait til my brother sees you.”

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“You’re gonna help so many people, buddy. So many. That’s all for now. I am satisfied with my care.”

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“Thanks, Baymax.”

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“I’m sorry. I guess I’m not like my brother.”

Alive?

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“Hiro.”

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“Guys – I—“

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That was the most honest moment in this movie. Too bad they didn’t earn it.

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“We’re going to catch Callaghan. And this time, we’ll do it right.”

… and they ruined it.

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“But maybe don’t leave your team stranded on a spooky island next time.”

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“It’s cool. Heathcliff picked us up in the family chopper.”

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Deus exposition flash drive.

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If only he could get his Calla-hands on him.

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And somehow this was not brought up during their initial encounter.

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It was his daughter.

Aww, I thought bitch be Krei.

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“So what are we waiting for?”

That piece of exposition, I guess.

END OF PART III.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part II.

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