The 2016 Film Release Calendar: June

Every January, I preview all the films that are scheduled to come out for that year. I go through the existing release calendar, month by month, and guess how much or how little I’m going to like each of the films.

The major benefit is that it allows me, come the end of the year, to see which movies ended up surprising me for better or for worse, or which ones I had wildly disproportionate expectations for. It also gives me a chance to know what’s coming out and what to look forward to.

I also take all the films that are filming or in post and theoretically able to come out that year and preview those too, along with all the films from the previous year(s) that have yet to come out that I’ve been tracking. In all, I end up previewing more films than pretty much anyone else, I’ve been told.


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

The Turtles return to save the city from a dangerous threat.

The first one was such a piece of shit. And this one is being directed by the guy who did Earth to Echo. Oh boy.

They’re bringing in Casey Jones, Bebop, Rocksteady and Kraang. Because why not?

I can’t imagine I’m getting anything more than 2.5 stars out of this. Even if this is better than the first one, we’re still looking at a maximum of 3. But I don’t even think we can go that high. Because they just do not care with this franchise.

Top Secret Untitled Lonely Island Movie

So The Lonely Island are making a movie. It’ll have a bunch of people in it, but will it be funny?

Based on knowing absolutely nothing about this movie, I guess I’ll say 3 stars. 2.5 seems pretty likely, but we’ll go 3. I don’t want to guess too low here and feel dumb later. And guessing too high only means bad things for the movie.

The Conjuring 2

Didn’t see the first one. Or did I? I don’t know. I can tell you that I will not see this one.

(But 2.5 stars. You know, for the cause.)

Now You See Me 2

One year after outwitting the FBI and winning the public’s adulation with their Robin Hood-style magic spectacles, The Four Horsemen resurface for a comeback performance in hopes of exposing the unethical practices of a tech magnate. The man behind their vanishing act is none other than Walter Mabry, a tech prodigy who threatens the Horsemen into pulling off their most impossible heist yet. Their only hope is to perform one last unprecedented stunt to clear their names and reveal the mastermind behind it all.

They added Lizzy Caplan and Daniel Radcliffe. Sure.

3 stars.

The first one was entertaining, probably not great on the second watch. This one I imagine will be fun but not as good as the first. Which is fine. And if I can get 3.5, I’ll be pleased. I’ll even be fine with 3.


Man, does this look terrible. Did you see that trailer? Holy shit.

I don’t even care that Duncan Jones is directing this. Moon was good, but you need to build on that. He has not done that at all.

What the fuck is this movie supposed to be? How can this be any good whatsoever?

If I get more than 2.5 stars out of this, I will be shocked. This looks abysmal.

Central Intelligence

After he reunites with an old pal through Facebook, a mild-mannered accountant is lured into the world of international espionage.

Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson. Directed by the guy who did Dodgeball. And We’re the Millers. So I can’t gauge this in either direction based on that.

Surprisingly looks kinda funny. The trailer was charming enough. This could work. Or it could suck.

I’m leaning toward it being okay.

Not gonna guess too high, though, because comedies always find ways to disappoint.

3 stars. I’m hopeful this can go higher. But let’s wait and see.

Finding Dory

The friendly-but-forgetful blue tang fish reunites with her loved ones, and everyone learns a few things about the true meaning of family along the way.

It’s Pixar. Yes, it’s a sequel, but it’s also Pixar.

4 stars.

I’m not excited for this, but I feel like they can make this good enough for me to like it.

Can’t imagine this will go particularly high for me end of next year, but if I can get a movie that I actually give a thumbs up to other than the Monsters University, “Yeah, whatever it was good,” then I’ll be happy.

Because the last thing I want from them is going back to the sequel well, which they’re doing for 4 out of their next 5 movies.

So I’m not going to continue to look for magic. I’m going to hope they can make things worthwhile.

Shut In

A heart-pounding thriller about a widowed child psychologist who lives in an isolated existence in rural New England. Caught in a deadly winter storm, she must find a way to rescue a young boy before he disappears forever.

Apparently this was a Black List script. Two people I know read it and said it was terrible. It looks like a generic thriller.

Naomi Watts stars, along with Jacob Tremblay and Oliver Platt.

Looks utterly generic. 2.5 stars.

Independence Day: Resurgence

Two decades after the first Independence Day invasion, Earth is faced with a new extra-Solar threat. But will mankind’s new space defenses be enough?

Are we all not terrified about this? Because I sure as shit am.

The trailer was not good.

Roland Emmerich is back, but Roland Emmerich hasn’t made a good movie in 15 years.

They’ve killed off Will Smith’s character and brought everyone else back from the first movie who survived. Liam Hemsworth is now in it, as is Maika Monroe, playing the Mae Whitman President’s daughter part. Charlotte Gainsbourg is now in it too. And William Fichtner and Sela Ward.

Look, I’m not gonna go less than 3 stars with this, but man, does this have the possibility of being fucking awful.

I’m guessing what we’re gonna get here is a perfectly acceptable action movie that didn’t need to be made and certainly didn’t need to be an Independence Day sequel. So ultimately, “It’s decent enough, but why?”

The Shallows

A young woman is stranded alone on a buoy with a great white shark circling the waters between her and the shore.

Oh. This is not what I though this was gonna be.

Blake Lively is starring.

The director has made almost entirely 3 star movies. Orphan, Unknown, Non-Stop, Run All Night. So I have no other choice, really.

3 stars.

– – – – – – – – – –

We’re gonna take a break for ten days to let the calendar sort itself out, and also to go back to some Oscar stuff and year-end stuff.

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