The 2016 Film Release Calendar: September

Every January, I preview all the films that are scheduled to come out for that year. I go through the existing release calendar, month by month, and guess how much or how little I’m going to like each of the films.

The major benefit is that it allows me, come the end of the year, to see which movies ended up surprising me for better or for worse, or which ones I had wildly disproportionate expectations for. It also gives me a chance to know what’s coming out and what to look forward to.

I also take all the films that are filming or in post and theoretically able to come out that year and preview those too, along with all the films from the previous year(s) that have yet to come out that I’ve been tracking. In all, I end up previewing more films than pretty much anyone else, I’ve been told.


The Infiltrator

A U.S. Customs official uncovers a money laundering scheme involving Colombian drug lord Pablo Escobar.

Directed by the guy who did The Lincoln Lawyer and Runner Runner.

Starring Bryan Cranston, John Leguizamo, Diane Kruger, Amy Ryan, Jason Isaacs, Olympia Dukakis.

Cast is solid. Labor Day release, so you’re not getting more than 3 stars. But the cast is better than average, so I won’t go generic 2.5 here.

Patient Zero

After an unprecedented global pandemic has turned the majority of humankind into violent “Infected,” a man gifted with the ability to speak the Infected’s new language leads the last survivors on a hunt for Patient Zero and a cure.

Not the worst synopsis I heard.

Natalie Dormer, Matt Smith, Stanley Tucci.

Okay. Not bad.

Still, 2.5 stars. I need this to prove to me it’s not generic.


A psychic works with the FBI in order to hunt down a serial killer.

I have this. So I’ll see it soon. No idea what to guess on this though.

I think I have to stick with 3 stars because of Colin Farrell/Anthony Hopkins.

I know this was held for over a year, but the cast makes me think it’ll be worthwhile.


The story of American pilot Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, who heroically landed a troubled aircraft full of passengers on the Hudson River. But the storm was yet to come, a storm which could ruin the life of a hero.

Clint Eastwood. Tom Hanks.

Are we not assuming 3.5 stars here?

Clint is a minimum 3 star director. And even though his last few films looked like he was old and didn’t give a shit, at worst we’re getting a perfectl fine movie. I haven’t gotten anything less than 3 stars out of Clint for… ever, really.

Bridget Jones’s Baby

The continuing adventures of British publishing executive Bridget Jones as she enters her 40s.


2.5 stars.

A Cure for Wellness

Gore Verbinski is directing. Apparently it’s a supernatural horror movie.

Jason Isaacs and Dane DeHaan.

Verbinski did The Ring, so he’s been in the genre before. I just don’t like the genre.

2.5 stars.

The Magnificent Seven

Seven gun men in the old west gradually come together to help a poor village against savage thieves.

Yeah, boy!

Antoine Fuqua directing. Chris Pratt, Denzel Washington, Ethan Hawke, Vincent D’Onofrio, Peter Sarsgaard, Cam Gigandet, Byung-hun Lee, Luke Grimes, Matt Bomer, Halet Bennett.

Great cast, great story, solid director.

4 stars.

Western bump. 3.5 star movie, western bump to 4. That seems easy.

Anything less than 3.5 out of this and I’m incredibly disappointed.


Storks deliver babies…or at least they used to. Now they deliver packages for global internet giant Junior, the company’s top delivery stork, is about to be promoted when he accidentally activates the Baby Making Machine, producing an adorable and wholly unauthorized baby girl. Desperate to deliver this bundle of trouble before the boss gets wise, Junior and his friend Tulip, the only human on Stork Mountain, race to make their first-ever baby drop – in a wild and revealing journey that could make more than one family whole and restore the storks’ true mission in the world.

Cute idea.

Nick Stoller is directing. So, after Sarah Marshall, Get Him to the Greek, Five-Year Engagement, Neighbors and Neighbors 2 — he’s earned some slack.

3 stars.

Not gonna say this will be great, but I’m not going into this with a yawn and a “don’t care.”


Two high school girls are best friends until one dates the other’s older brother, who is totally his sister’s nemesis.

Written and directed by a woman.

Starring Hailee Steinfeld, Woody Harrelson, Kyra Sedgwick.

No idea what to do with this.

2.5 stars.

Deepwater Horizon

A story set on the offshore drilling rig Deepwater Horizon, which exploded during April 2010 and created the worst oil spill in U.S. history.

Pete Berg directs.

Kurt Russell, Mark Wahlberg, Kate Hudson, Gina Rodriguez, John Malkovich, Ethan Suplee. Good cast.

Pete Berg is good when he has solid material.

3.5 stars. I’m actually trusting in Kurt Russell here.


A night guard at an armored car company in the Southern U.S. organizes one of the biggest bank heists in American history.

This got held over from last year because of the Relativity mess.

Still think this is gonna be terrible.

Directed by the guy who did Napoleon Dynamite, starring Zach Galifianakis, Kristen Wiig, Owen Wilson, Kate McKinnon and Jason Sudeikis.

2 stars.

Nope. Just not interested in that combination whatsoever.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is October

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