Oscars 2015: Razzie Awards

The Razzies were just announced an hour ago. The hits just keep on coming today. And here you thought I was done posting shit.

I should probably learn not to make myself have to put up ten articles the day before the Oscars when I’m trying to write up a giant article for the next day. But we all know I’m stupid, so why should anything change?

Here are your Razzie winners:

Worst Picture

Fantastic Four
Fifty Shades of Grey

Jupiter Ascending
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2
Pixels

Winner: Fantastic Four Fifty Shades of Grey

That makes sense. They both fit the mold.

Plus, I can shit on them both from different perspectives. At least one of them made money, though.

Worst Actor

Johnny Depp, Mortdecai
Jamie Dornan, Fifty Shades of Grey
Kevin James, Paul Blart Mall Cop 2
Adam Sandler, The Cobbler and Pixels
Channing Tatum, Jupiter Ascending

Winner: Jamie Dornan, Fifty Shades of Grey

The problem with them is they just sweep certain films.

I think they’re afraid to vote for Depp. And Sandler is probably too easy for them.

Not a great category this year.

Worst Actress

Katherine Heigl, Home Sweet Hell
Dakota Johnson, Fifty Shades of Grey
Mila Kunis, Jupiter Ascending
Jennifer Lopez, The Boy Next Door
Gwyneth Paltrow, Mortdecai

Winner: Dakota Johnson, Fifty Shades of Grey

Yeah, they sweep voted it.

Also, not a fucking chance in hell they saw Home Sweet Hell. Only me and like ten other people watched that movie. Don’t even pretend like you know what it is either. People just voted for Heigl. I’m not saying they were wrong, I’m just saying — come on, guys.

Worst Supporting Actor

Chevy Chase, Hot Tub Time Machine 2 and Vacation
Josh Gad, Pixels and The Wedding Ringer
Kevin James, Pixels
Jason Lee, Alvin & The Chipmunks: Road Chip
Eddie Redmayne, Jupiter Ascending

Winner: Eddie Redmayne, Jupiter Ascending

The exact thing I wrote when nominations were announced was, “Eddie Redmayne will win this, but he shouldn’t.”

Kinda think Chevy Chase should have won. But I understand why they went the way they did.

Worst Supporting Actress

Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting, Alvin & The Chipmunks: Road Chip and The Wedding Ringer
Rooney Mara, Pan
Michelle Monaghan, Pixels
Julianne Moore, Seventh Son
Amanda Seyfried, Love the Coopers and Pan

Winner: Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting, Alvin & The Chipmunks: Road Chip and The Wedding Ringer

Not surprising.

I like how whitewashing only results in a nomination and not a win.

Cuoco was the one who made the most sense based on what they usually do.

Worst Remake/Rip-Off/Sequel

Alvin & The Chipmunks: Road Chip
Fantastic Four

Hot Tub Time Machine 2
Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence)
Paul Blart Mall Cop 2

Winner: Fantastic Four

It won Worst Picture. Of course

Worst Director

Andy Fickman, Paul Blart Mall Cop 2
Tom Six, Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence)
Sam Taylor-Johnson, Fifty Shades of Grey
Josh Trank, Fantastic Four
Andy and Lana Wachowski, Jupiter Ascending

Winner: Josh Trank, Fantastic Four

Did you follow the release of that movie? They had to give it to him.

Worst Screen Combo

All Four “Fantastics,” Fantastic Four
Johnny Depp and His Glued-On Moustache, Mortdecai
Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, Fifty Shades of Grey
Kevin James and EITHER His Segue OR His Glued-On Moustache, Paul Blart Mall Cop 2
Adam Sandler and Any Pair of Shoes, The Cobbler

Winner: Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, Fifty Shades of Grey

They’re actually a combo.

Though the “pair of shoes” thing is really funny to me. Not that anyone actually saw that movie.

I’m pretty sure no one actually watches any of these nominees except the big ones. I’m not really sure why I even follow these every year.

Worst Screenplay

Fantastic Four
Fifty Shades of Grey
Jupiter Ascending
Paul Blart Mall Cop 2
Pixels

Winner: Fifty Shades of Grey

Was there any doubt?

Razzie Redeemer Award
Elizabeth Banks
M. Night Shyamalan
Will Smith
Sylvester Stallone

Winner: Sylvester Stallone

This category was created specifically so he could win it. He’s about to win a fucking Oscar.

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One response

  1. I’m frankly surprised Pixels didn’t win anything. I’m going to call that an improvement for Sandler.

    February 28, 2016 at 10:02 am

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