88th Academy Awards Live-Blog

I live-blogged the Oscars tonight. I have no real thoughts on anything yet. I just typed up everything as I watched, and I’m going to post it right now without having proofread anything. Because that’s what real people do. Fuck that editing shit.

I’ll figure out my thoughts on it all tomorrow.

Here’s my 88th Academy Awards Live-Blog:

All right, Oscars time.

Hollywood’s biggest night, on Hollywood’s biggest shithole street.

So weird to think I was across the street from where they’re having this show on Friday, watching a guy with a full head tattoo yelling at Optimus Prime.

Nice montage to start. This is reminding me of movies that came out last year that I’ve completely forgotten about.

How come no Jupiter Ascending in the montage?

Oh shit, Fight the Power! YEAH.


Nice way to turn the controversy into standup.

He’s starting with the right tone.

“Too busy being raped and lynched to care about who won Best Cinematographer.”

“It’s also not fair that Will was paid $20 million for Wild Wild West.”

I like the In Memoriam of black people shot by cops on way to the movies joke.

A different type of racist. “Sorority racist.”

He’s not even really telling jokes. This is a monologue.

There is no chance in hell people are gonna call his hosting job bad. None.

I like how at exactly 15 minutes he had to cut it and move to the show.

I like this new formatting.

Best Original Screenplay

Straight Outta Compton, by four white people.

I like how they’re reading the stage direction, but this is taking up time.

Winner: Spotlight

1 for 1. Yeah boy.

This little ticker at the bottom is annoying already.

They got out right in time before they got played off.

Bittersweet Symphony.

Gosling and Crowe. Their movie looks good. They didn’t even announce it.

Gosling is always really good at pre-category banter.

Probably not best to have a clip where a character is named “Wife.”

Good scene choice from Brooklyn.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Winner: The Big Short

2 for 2.

Academy Award winner Adam McKay.

Totally deserved, too.

McKay’s wife directed Welcome to Me. Hmm.

He just told everyone to vote for Bernie.

“Thank you very much Plan B.” He means the birth control, right?

“Some of Hollywood’s most exciting stars are coming up.” And some other assholes we had to make come too.

This black actors thing is pretty funny. Tracy Morgan as the Danish Girl. Getting Jeff Daniels and Kristen Wiig to do the Martian thing.

Sarah Silverman introducing the Bond song. Okay.

This is going too long.

Sam Smith looks like if Jude Law had a Justin Timberlake baby.

I like the globe thing behind him with the Bond girl silhouettes.

And when they cut back to the side screens with all the debris and shit. Good design.

I also like how they think Gaga is gonna win. They’re gonna put her on last.

Chris Martin is listening to this falsetto, going, “…fuck.”

Wow. They just left him standing there while Chris Rock walked back on stage.

They’re introducing The Martian first. Okay.

It would be really fucked up if Kerry Washington didn’t get to speak at all. I guess she’s gonna introduce the next one. I’m guessing it’s gonna be Spotlight.

Oh, The Big Short. Okay.

Almost an hour in and only two awards so far. Only 22 left to go.

Oh shit. J.K. Simmons. Here we go. The one potentially surprise acting category.

Best Supporting Actress

Good Leigh clip choice. Kind of a spoiler, but not really.

Rooney Mara’s clip was good too.

McAdams — there really aren’t that many clips for her. This was the only choice.

Vikander — she’s so good.


Winner: Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl

3 for 3.

They’re picking the whitest orchestra music possible.

Despite only being 1/8 of the way through the categories, they feel like they’re moving. They might be on time.

Lot of Chris Rock this year. I like it.

Cate Blanchett doing Costume Design.

Whoa, I like how they did this introduction. All the costumes and fabrics. I like how they’re doing this.

Solid walk and talk.

Best Costume Design

Well you know Carol’s not winning.

Winner: Mad Max: Fury Road

Look at this lady. Of course she did the costumes for Mad Max.

I’d like to spend a year of my life in the Namibian desert.

They played her off with Ride of the Valkyries.

And then Que Sera Sera. That felt passive aggressive.

Best Production Design

This will be an interesting one. Though should be another easy win for Max.

Winner: Mad Max: Fury Road

5 for 5.

Love people going with the white tux.

Margot Robbie and Jared Leto.

Walking through the Makeup tables.

That Magic Mike joke fell real flat.

The merkin joke was saved.

Best Makeup & Hairstyling

Winner: Mad Max: Fury Road

6 for 6.

Three in a row for Max.

I like this little side room where they put all the nominees nobody cares about before shepherding back to the far recesses of the theater where the Phantom lives.

Benicio del Toro and Jennifer Garner. This, to me, is diversity. Talent diversity.

Revenant and Mad Max together. Interesting.

Live and Let Die.

This is a nice soliloquy about water. And then they used it to sell a phone.

Like the Kiss from a Rose intro.

Well, about to be 7 for 7. This shit is locked.

Best Cinematography

Nice way to remind everyone how good Deakins is.


Winner: The Revenant

7 for 7.

He’s 3 for 3 now. In consecutive years.

Diamonds Are Forever!

And now… TV actors.

Oh shit. Editing. Big one.

Best Editing

Winner: Mad Max: Fury Road


8 for 8 on smart ballot.

7 for 8 on my ballot.

There goes Big Short for Picture. It’s Revenant.

Mad Max has four Oscars now.

Black History Month Minute. What the hell was that?


Also, Ghostbusters.

They should have had The Roots do the music.


Jennifer Garner just took a photo with Common. What are the odds she sent that to Ben and said she fucked him?

Lil Dicky being used for a commercial? Shit. That’s cool.

But what the fuck was Elizabeth Banks doing in that commercial?

Oh, the Sound categories. Get it?

Chadwick Boseman is no joke. This motherfucker is a star.

Here’s where the ballots slip. This happens every year. I start off perfect, then miss a bunch in the middle, and reel off a bunch toward the end to catch back up. Happens every time.

Best Sound Editing

NICE way to present the category. This is BRILLIANT.

Winner: Mad Max: Fury Road

So I’ve gotten one wrong on both. Cool, cool.

8 for 9 on both.

Best Sound Mixing

Winner: Mad Max: Fury Road

Got that wrong. Oh well. Makes sense that it would win both. That’s my fault. Selling out too hard on Revenant.

8 for 10 on both.

Max has six Oscars. And it probably won’t win another one.

Best Visual Effects

Winner: Ex Machina

WHOA. Did not see that coming.

That’s what happens. Three deadlocked nominees, something comes out of nowhere.

The stat went down, but not to the film we thought.

We all got that one wrong.

8 for 11 on both.

I like how they announced the sci tech awards. Showing you the technology they created. This is smart. Whoever produced this did a great job.

Oh shit, 3PO and D2 in the house!


Nice Star Wars scroll to go to break.

They’re selling girl scout cookies live on the Oscars. This is why you guys run out of time every year and have to cut the speeches short.

Fucking minions.

Best Animated Short

Winner: Bear Story

Big night for bears.

Best Animated Feature

They’re looking at an empty stage right now.

Winner: Inside Out

10 of 13.

“Your life is gonna suck, but you can make shit. That’ll pass the time.”

Our next song…

After about three minutes.

It’s the freaking Weekend.

Having the violinists with ball gags in their mouths was a bold move.

Have no idea what this commercial is about, but the use of “St. Elmo’s Fire” is on point.

We’re six Best Picture nominees in. They’re really moving this show along. Good for them. Spotlight and Bridge of Spies. That leaves… Room and Brooklyn.


This just tells me that black people don’t watch movies.

NICE Jolie/Pitt joke.

This could be a great Chappelle’s Show sketch. “I’d like to thank the Academy. Shout out to G.G. and Sweet Ray, 92nd and Crenshaw, baby!”

And now for Sly.

Best Supporting Actor

Good clip for Hardy.

The only clip they could have shown for Ruffalo.

Winner: Mark Rylance, Bridge of Spies

Damn. That’s a letdown. But Rylance is fucking GREAT in that movie.

SAG is wrong. BAFTA is right. Sly doesn’t get his ovation. Oh well. He got a Razzie Redeemer award. That makes up for it, right?

10 of 14.

It’s hard to feel bad for him, even though the Stallone win would have been so sweet.

Oh shit, Good the Bad and the Ugly. Is Morricone about to get his Oscar?

Oh. Doc short. Here’s where everyone’s ballot gets fucked up.

Louis C.K. should probably host one of these years. He’s great.

Best Documentary Short

Winner: A Girl in the River: The Price of Forgiveness

10 of 15.

Yup. Okay. So they mostly adhered to what they usually do.

And they got a law changed. So we can’t be that upset.

If I locked my guesses a week ago, I’d have actually done two better.

Oh, well this one should get us back on track.

Best Documentary

Winner: Amy

11 of 16.

Should be pretty smooth sailing from here on out.

What is this cookie thing about?

Remember when Cheryl Boone Isaacs said Dick Poop? That was funny.

Lou Gossett Jr. is a boss.

Announcing the dead people montage.

“Blackbird”? Really?

David Bowie’s clip was from Zoolander. No.

Best Live-Action Short

Winner: Stutterer


Got that shit right on my ballot.

Sorry everyone else.

This year teaches me to stick with what I know. Don’t overthink it. The obvious is usually the choice.

12 of 17 on my ballot, 11 of 17 on the smart ballot.

Two foreign language people to introduce Foreign Language Film

Best Foreign Language Film

Winner: Son of Saul

Of course.

13 of 18 on mine / 12 of 18 on smart.

They’re gonna be alternating until we get to Song and Picture, wherein the Smart ballot will take the win.

They just introduced Joe Biden with the Raiders March. Of course they did.

This better have won, they better have rigged the fucking voting after this. How can it lose after the Vice President introduced it?

She’s wearing what she wore before the show? Don’t they always change for these things?

Diane Warren is probably super pissed that Gaga is getting all the credit since you know she wrote practically the whole song. But she hasn’t won yet and almost needed a Gaga to put her over the top. She must be feeling like Kobe, post-Shaq.

Man, wouldn’t it suck for them if “Simple Song #3” won after that?

Pharrell and Quincy Jones. Okay. Quincy is so legendary I won’t even make a Pharrell joke.

Best Original Score

Just hearing these, Carol seems like it might win. And of course I just dropped it to fourth after being second the whole time. That’s last minute overthinking for you.

Of course when Hateful Eight wins, I’m just gonna forget I said that and go, “I was right the whole time.” That’s Oscar voting.

Winner: The Hateful Eight


He deserved one.

Thank god Quentin isn’t there to take all the thunder.

This is the ovation Stallone didn’t get.

And now Original Song. Let’s see if that was all for nothing.

Best Original Song

Winner: “Writing’s on the Wall,” from Spectre

I fucking KNEW IT. Of course they did. Of fucking course. I knew I had to put it on one ballot.

That’s what happens when you haven’t heard of four of the five nominees.

15 of 20 on mine / 13 of 20 on the smart ballot.

“No openly gay man has every won an Oscar.” I counted two off the top of my head. Do you not remember Graham Moore’s great speech last year when he won for Imitation Game? Or Dustin Lance Black when he won for Milk? He meant well, but come on.

And now the last two films.

“Oscar nominee Sacha Baron Cohen.” People forget that.

He’s actually doing a great job with this.

Olivia Wilde’s doing a good job laughing but keeping her composure.

“Now check out a movie about a room full of white people.”

Thank you for reminding me that House of Cards is just around the corner.

J.J. Abrams to do Best Director. Okay.

Best Director

Winner: Alejandro G. Inarritu, The Revenant

We’re on autopilot now.

Don’t fucking play him off. It’s not his fault you’re running over.

Good. Stop the music when he has something important to say.

They’re gonna do Actress first. Let Leo get his big applause before Best Picture. Makes sense.

Best Actress

Winner: Brie Larson, Room

Maybe don’t play Big Rock Candy Mountain on her way up to the stage.

She deserved this.


Okay, time to crown him.

Best Actor

Winner: Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant

18/23 on my ballot, 16/23 on smart ballot.

I feel like Leo tonight is gonna be like Jessica Chastain at the end of Zero Dark Thirty.

A HA HA HA they cut to the Native Americans when he started talking about climate change. They thought he was gonna go there. They had that shit ready. Then they had to get the camera ready to go to Biden.

Hell of a speech though, Leo.


Best Picture

Winner: Spotlight

Well that was a bloodbath for peoples’ ballots and for history.

I’ll figure out what this all means tomorrow. Right now, I’m gonna go get blackout drunk.


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