Ranking Bond: Spectre (2015), Part II

In what was a precursor to Fun with Franchises and as a lead up to the release of Skyfall in 2012, Colin and I did a series called Ranking Bond. We watched all the movies in the franchise wrote them up and ranked how we liked them. We did it as a movie a day, which is absolutely insane. Though it did make me realize we could get more out of splitting each movie into parts, and how much fun the two of us riffing on films can be, and thus Fun with Franchises was born.

But, since Bond movies keep coming out, we keep going back to the franchise. Because we love it. We did articles for Skyfall when that film got released on Blu-Ray, and now we’re doing Spectre.

Here is Part II of Spectre:

Spectre - Title Card

We begin Part II with a giant ferris wheel.

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Ah, Tokyo.



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Where does she get her coffee in the morning? You think it’s a local shop or a gourmet place? Do you think she has flirty repartee barista?

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He’s gonna make everyone think he fucked her.

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Though I guess the ones he actually fucks don’t get gifts. They get murdered.

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“Thanks for fucking me. Here’s a phone so I can call you next time I wanna fuck.”


He got her a phone! You know, like a gift that turns out to be part of the favor she’s already doing for him.

What kind of phone is that? I can’t quite put my product placement on it…

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“What’s that?”

It’s a dildo. Tell him that. And then when he looks at you sideways, maintain your expression. Continue the gag until you’re dead. But only with that. And no other phone.

“Oh, it’s just something from an admirer.”

What kind of admirer gives you a cell phone?

Don’t they give you crotchless panties?

That’s what I did for all my favorite teachers.

“It’s not your birthday, is it?”

Every guy has been here.

“No, sir.”

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“That was last week.”


See, it’s these little moments.

What are the odds, though, that her birthday actually was last week in this universe? That, to me, feels a bit too coincidental.

Also because her birthday was like, three weeks after Judi was murdered and the entire program was getting shut down.

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009 is there for the DB10.


C’mon, buddy. 009 doesn’t get cool cars because he’s dumb and waits upstairs instead of taking his prize.

Where exactly is he? Waiting in the fucking boat like an asshole?

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And of course.


YES! Rack focus to a bottle of champagne! That’s a nice trade, and Bond is classy.

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“Oh shit.”

Why does everyone automatically have a cup of coffee in their hands?

I’ve never had a cup of coffee in my life. It can’t be everyone else that needs coffee in the morning.

I’m not okay with things in movies that get done because that’s the easiest way to explain things succinctly. They don’t even think about it. “Oh, it’s morning — put a coffee cup in their hand.” How about you put some thought into it and do something more original?

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Oh yeah.


St. Petersburg.

Remember the second Twilight movie?


I’m trying not to. I tried to be positive about the Porsche inclusion at the time, but now I see that they were merely bringing Porsche into their bullshit, just as they did to poor Robert Frost.

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So there are no lanes in Rome?


If there are, the Italians aren’t using them.

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I want to be in a city with all old buildings. But only like, some of the time.

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This car is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.

How did they explain this to 009? Not ready yet? Because he doesn’t know it was Bond. If he did, then they’d all be pissed at him.


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Here’s a question — what’s the drive time from London to Rome? Gotta be at least 15 hours. So he just made that drive? Did he stop anywhere? When did he leave? The car was stolen by about 9 o’clock in the morning. Theoretically he could have stolen it at midnight and made it to Rome by 4, 5 the next afternoon. But there was at least one day missing in between when Moneypenny came to his apartment and he got here. What happened? Did he stay at a bed and breakfast?

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Classic switches.

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Every film with Rome in it has to show you the Coliseum. Every one.

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Bond attending the funeral of a man he killed. Very Thunderball. Though I’m pretty sure Monica Bellucci isn’t gonna turn out to be a man in disguise.

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This shot coming down is the same one they used to show Judi with the coffins in Skyfall. I guess it’s just the Bond-at-funeral shot.

I like buildings with giant columns.

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How does it work when you’re a really rich criminal and fall to your death from a helicopter in Mexico as part of a global news story? Does that…do they cover that? Or do they just scrape you off the street in time for your funeral?

Open casket?

I don’t know how they cover any of Bond’s shit. Do they know he’s there? Do they not care? Do they disavow him? Someone has to have him on all this news footage. They have to know an agent was there. Do people call for his head? Do they not care? I assume Spectre can keep Sciarra out of the papers in some way. But there’s no way all this shit just isn’t covered.

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Leave it to an Italian to wear THOSE shoes to a funeral.

Criminals are very good about gathering for occasions. Operas, funerals. Their kids’ birthday parties must be off the fucking chain. Getting those Goodfellas envelopes.

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Isn’t there a better way to show up at the funeral than to auspiciously stand ten feet behind everyone else?

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Subtle rack focus toward Waltz.

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This shot is more about the sunglasses than the discovery.

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Dude must have insane peripheral vision.

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Convenient for the service to end right as he walked away.

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Deakins would have let that shot go another 5 seconds.

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Husband’s been in the ground five minutes. She’s single enough.


I love how Italians give zero attention to anything until everything looks awesome. Like an old Alfa Romeo. You’ll be on the side of the road in a cloud of smoke and a puddle of oil, but people will be staring because it looks so good.

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“I’m sorry for your loss.”

“You knew my husband?”

Something like that.

“All too briefly.”

“What do you do?”

“Life insurance.”

“A little late for that.”

Classic Bond flirting.


I want the blooper reel of all the times James Bond has attempted innuendo and the other person misses it. “I have a policy already. Are you that dick from MetLife who keeps calling the house? You came to my husband’s FUNERAL?”

“For your husband, yes. What about you?”

I’m torn about the use of those three words. The double meaning lessens the impact.

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“I hear the life expectancy of some widows can be very short.”

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“How can you talk like this? Can’t you see I’m grieving?”


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This is strange. She knows she’s about to get killed yet doesn’t care?

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I want to appreciate the fact that, rather than look at these guys, he stands there, casually puts his shades on, then watches Monica Bellucci walk away before turning around.

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Waves in extreme long shot are always funny.


That wave was Craig’s “CAT!” moment of this movie. I want that to be a gif that I can use for awkward moments.

Spectre Wave

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The rich Italian woman drives a Mercedes S Class? Not a Maserati Quattroporte? Even an Alfa Romeo or something.

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I want an Italian villa.

Just as long as Joaquin Phoenix doesn’t have my child raped and burned to death.


I don’t think that can be guaranteed regardless of where you live. Also, wasn’t that in Spain? Wasn’t he the Spaniard who Richard Harris says has never been to Rome, and only shows up there when he was a slave? Spanish villa is more like, “As long as Ben Kingsley doesn’t wig out on my patio and call my wife an ex porn star.”

Marcus Aurelius had a dream. That was unicorns with dicks for horns, riding around in wheelchairs singing doo wop.

I’m great with quotes.

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Is this where Gandalf is hiding inside the house?

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Lights, booze. That’s priorities. Let me see… so I can get to the booze unimpeded.


When your husband’s dead, you have to pour the blue shit for yourself.

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Pretty crazy how they’re just gonna murder her simply because they can’t trust she won’t say anything. And that no one’s gonna question why she got murdered three days after her husband got thrown out of a helicopter.

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If you know you’re gonna be killed, you get booze.


I caught a bit of Family Feud last week, and the question was what you would do if you knew you’d die the following day. Obviously, the survey said it was spend time with loved ones, but the first woman to respond said, “I would quit my job!” Steve Harvey’s like, “You don’t have to quit. You’re gonna stop going.” But the point is that my answer (booze) was in the top five responses. Cause of course.

Hookers and gin. Is the short version.

I may also arrange to fall to my death from a helicopter in Mexico. Because I can get everything done in the same place.

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Why are you hiding to murder this widow? Widows are not famed for their resistance to murder.

Or strange men who want to fuck them, as we’ll see.

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These doors were open the whole time, too. I hate how secure rich people feel these days. Remember the 80s?


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What are they waiting for?

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You already know.

Why’d they space out like that?


She’s ready for it, too. Monica Bellucci was such a good choice here. And for the record, she’s older than Bond girls from the Brosnan, Dalton AND Moore films (several from Brosnan, Talisa Soto from Dalton and Alison Doody from Moore) and she rocks it all the same. Bond woman is officially now a category, populated by Monica and Judi. 

Unrelated, but it still cracks me up that Doody’s bad girl partner in A View to a Kill was Papillon Soo Soo.

Does that mean I can get a nefarious blimp for $10?

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So what is she feeling right now? Is there a moment of being pissed off when you expect to die and then don’t?

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“What a lovely view.”

“You’re wasting your time. There are a hundred more that will come after me. All you buy me is five minutes.”

You can do a lot in five minutes.

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“Excellent. Time for a drink.”


“Life continues. Booze?”

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Why not drink what she was drinking before? I bet that was good shit.

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Remember her in the Matrix? Yeah, those was good times.


Was that champagne chilled already? A bottle of champagne in a metal bucket ice bath with rock salt chills in a matter of minutes, but not like TWO minutes. More like a half an hour. And she got home a second ago, meaning that’s either been sitting here for like 12 hours, since she left for the funeral, OR that he got back an hour or so early to scope out the place before the bad guys got here, got bored and decided to chill champagne.

If that’s true, you really have to fault the henchmen for showing up and not noticing the chilled champagne and wondering how it got there.

Fun champagne fact: there are an average of 58 million bubbles per bottle.

First off, why champagne? Are we toasting to the fact that she’s not dead? Toasting her husband’s death?

Second, that’s badass, to have the champagne ready for after you’ve killed the assassins who are gonna show up and are now getting ready to fuck the widow.

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“You killed him. Didn’t you? My husband.”

Who else would she be referring to? Biggie?

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“He was an assassin. Trust me, he won’t take it personally.”

Wouldn’t it be great to actually be assassinated? The list of people who’ve been assassinated isn’t very big. Most people just get straight up murdered or killed. The fact that it’s an assassination adds a certain je ne sais quoi to the whole thing.

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HEY! You don’t dump champagne!

Why’d he do that, exactly? It’s not like he’s gonna hit her.

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“You signed my death warrant. I was respected.”

“Loyal to a man you hated.”

That’s making a big assumption.

“He trusted my silence. With him gone, I’m a dead woman. I can trust nobody.”


What do you think she does for fun? What do Italian women do for fun? Remember Mathis’ girlfriend? She was fun. “I want your hands on my skin.” “Fuck that, I’m going to Bolivia. Even if it means I wind up dead in a dumpster.”

“I know the feeling well.”

You can put that without the quotes too. Referring to the dumpster part.

“Well, I can tell you that I don’t trust you.”

“Then you have impeccable instincts.”


She’s basically Solange, all grown up. If Solange had lived, this is what she’d be like. Remember how hot Caterina Murino is?

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“If you don’t leave now, we’ll die together.”

He just murdered those other two guys. Why would you assume he’s gonna lose?

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“I can think of worse ways to go.”

“Then you’re obviously crazy. Mr. –”

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“Bond. James Bond.”

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Yeah, sniffing bitches. We call that the Pantoliano.


We Call That The Pantoliano. You all remember The Matrix.

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Ever make a woman cum just by sniffing her?

“These people, if you just knew what they could do.”

With their little finger?

“The power they have.”

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“Did your husband ever mention The Pale King?”

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Oh shit, nice single tear.

“No. The organization. They hardly ever meet.”

What? “He ever mention this one dude?” “Nah, those people they never meet.” That wasn’t the question. This was a terrible transition.

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“But because of what happened to my husband, they meet tonight.”

Is he teasing her with sex to get her to talk? I’m not really sure what the purpose of this scene is.

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“To choose a replacement.”

No, for fucking bingo night. Why the fuck do you think they’re gonna meet?

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“The Palazzo Cardenza.”

Your mirror is dirty.


How do you know this?


This is a good way to get information. The question is, why does she know where they’re meeting and when? If the reason for the meeting is her husband’s death, and they want her dead, you’d think she’d be off their mailing list. This also doesn’t seem like the kind of organization to have a set protocol that she’d just know, which makes it that much weirder that she somehow found out their itinerary.

“Sounds like fun. I might drop by.”

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“He was obsessed. He spent more time with them than with me.”

“Then the man was a fool.”

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This entire scene felt unnecessary. Which is tough for me. Because that means Monica Bellucci’s entire part was unnecessary.

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Always write them a goodbye note.

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“I called an American friend of mine, Felix. He’ll contact his embassy, get you out of here. You’ll be safe.”


Now, why would you mention Felix like that and then not put him in the movie? With most things, that’s cool, but this makes you wonder if there was a scene with him in one of the earlier drafts of the script, and then he got cut for whatever reason. Also, I guess he can’t contact his own embassy because they can’t know where he is.

There wasn’t. They’re not gonna waste Felix unless they got shit for Jeffrey Wright to do.

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So was the note he just wrote for Felix?

On the stationary, too. I guess he found it.

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“Don’t go, James. If you go there, you’re crossing over into a place where there is no mercy.”

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“I have to go.”

Without someone to do surveillance or bug it or anything? Seems kinda arbitrary.

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But damn, that’s making it difficult.

Also, who sits like that?

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“Buona fortuna, Donna Lucia.”

All you buy me is five minutes. Cool, I’m gonna leave you for like forty while the Americans get someone here.

Not even that. “I called my American friend. He’s gonna get the embassy to come get you.” Yeah, like those assholes on the midnight to eight shift wanna come all the way out here to get some woman the asshole who outranks them and has a cushier job in America told them to get.

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Fun fact: no one drives on the roads in Italy at night.


Good shot with the trees. Cars being tracked from above always work well in film.

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They do a lot of panning to views in this movie.

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Do terrorist organizations have valet?

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SO many good cars in this place. These guys have some class. Multiple Ferraris, multiple Mercedes…but what excite me are the Porsche 959, the Bugatti EB110, the Lexus LFA in the background and the Jaguar C-X75 that Hinx is gonna drive in a little bit.

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How does rank work here? Do the guys outside know what the organization does? Do they get benefits? Do they work their way up the ladder? Is it just freelance work?


I bet it’s like the mob. The guys on the bottom know who they’re working for, but also report only to the guy directly above them. These are probably the local guys working for the dude in charge of Italy right now. And then Blofeld has his Imperial Guards or whatever.

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Does no one say anything about him being late? Wouldn’t you show up super early to this to see everyone else arrive?

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“Identify yourself, asshole.”

Who the fuck else is showing up to this?

“Uhh… I’m here for the gang bang.”

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“I’m Mickey Mouse. Who are you?”


They spend a lot of time in 00 training watching Disney films in various languages. Pretty good coverage for references while abroad.

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I like that they’re expecting him.


This is possibly the smartest henchman in the whole franchise. Not only did he recognize what the situation was, he also knew better than to try to stop Bond, and instead played it cool and used the opportunity to inform his bosses what was up. This guy is head and shoulders above most henchmen.

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Nice shot.

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We havin’ an Eyes Wide Shut party.

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This is exactly the same as watching the Senate. Overlooking a bunch of crooks talking about how badly they’re fucking people over.

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Very Thunderball.

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I know it’s not him, but doesn’t the guy on the left remind you of the guy in Casino Royale at the card game? Mr. Fukutu. The long white hair. Which – how great a name is Fukutu?


Okay, this Asian guy REALLY looks like Mr. Fukutu, the guy played in Casino Royale by an actor named Tom So, but his jaw seems different – could be the angle – and there’s facial hair now. And So isn’t credited, so it’s probably just coincidence.

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Maybe show up with a bomb or something.

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Whose house are they using for this? Did they have to make refreshments?

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Oh, also, for those paying attention, they just basically announced C as a villain, in case we didn’t already know.


Do they employ translators? It’s a constant refrain, but where do organizations like this get people to work for them? Not just henchmen who carry guns, either – like, translators, maids, all that. 

Who has to take the minutes for something like this?

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I bet a lot of pygmies died in the making of that table.

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I want giant doors like that from whence to enter.

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How does Blofeld go from ski instructor’s son to head of a criminal organization?


With his skis like french fries, not like pizza.

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Was he just chilling in the other room, waiting for Bond to show up?

Also, what’s this meeting? He’s there, but not in the meeting. So they’re going over shit, and he just jumps in whenever. Do people tell him about all the shit he missed?

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I want a guy whose job it is to move my microphone closer.


I want to see his W2.

Even Spectre has a Fonzworth.

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When did Blofeld become a dude who doesn’t even move his own microphone?

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It’s pretty great that SPECTRE is a more diverse employer than most Fortune 500 companies.

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“Don’t let me interrupt you.”


Christoph Waltz should just get a pension from the world.

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“Thank you for that filler exposition. Now for the reason we’re all here…”

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“The Pale King must be terminated.”

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He’s gonna make the journey.

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“My loyalty to this organization is total. I will protect it with my last breath.”

Well that’s suspect. No one asked you that. They asked you if you’re gonna go kill that motherfucker.

“There will be no more… amateurs. No more shows of weakness.”

Was that a show of weakness? Being thrown out of a helicopter? What exactly was Sciarra doing in Mexico City? Seems like all he did was go there in order to be killed by Bond. The other guy was blowing up the stadium. I guess he paid him?

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This is great.

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“Does anyone challenge Senor Guerra for this position?”


Why do we need to talk about challenging for the task of going to murder a feeble, old man riddled with cancer? Send literally anyone.

Why did he have to remind him to ask about challenging? Is this not a regular thing? Did he know a giant dude was gonna kill this guy?

Also, why is Hinx about to kill this guy, if not purely for the audience?

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Yeah, boy.

Let’s get it out of the way now – silent henchman. Odd Job.

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Guy on the right looks like if Paul Walker did a Fu Manchu movie.

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Drax the Destroyer. Actually, there’s been a Drax in Bond, now I think of it. And he wanted to destroy.

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“Welcome. State your credentials for succeeding Senor Sciarra.”

What if he started passing around his resume right now?

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No speaking. Just eye-gouging.

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“Hmm.” Is what this shot is.

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It’s fun thinking they had to get coverage of the eye gouging.

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I hope Pikachu is taking notes.

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Now, is the metal on his fingernails helpful in the gouging, or is it there for effect? Because it seems like he doesn’t really use that to actually gouge the guy’s eyes. It’s never really explained why it’s there and we never see it again after this

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And now he’s dead. Probably could have just done that, but then it wouldn’t have been as effective.

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He wanna get fucked.

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Cleanliness. Next to cleanness.

Read a dictionary, people.

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This introduction runs too long. This scene runs too long. Speed that shit up, guys.


You gotta feel like they’d dislike that. I mean, the whole reason they’re here is that one of their dudes got killed and needs replacing, and now he’s just killed yet ANOTHER guy. As I’ve already discussed, acquiring new personnel can’t be easy for an organization like this.

You think they recruit out of college like the CIA? That would be a pretty cool movie. The kid who gets recruited by the secret men in black coats who are vague about everything. And they go through all this training that looks like CIA, and then you realize you’re working for a supervillain. That would be kinda awesome.

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This is how we graduate from the kids table in my family.

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“It’s funny. All that excitement in Mexico City rang a distant bell. And now, suddenly, this evening, it makes perfect sense.”

Weird how he started by being so mysterious and not talking, and now all of a sudden he’s talking directly to Bond. Wouldn’t it have been better if he was talking about random shit and then started addressing Bond out of nowhere? The whole thing feels too orchestrated this way.

Also, wouldn’t it have made sense before this? You had to know it was Bond. There was no way no one knows it was him. Also, you SAW him at the funeral. It should have made sense then.

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“Welcome, James. It’s been a long time.”


I hope Waltz knows how good he is.

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“And finally, here we are.”

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“What took you so long?”

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I do like this moment in theory, though. Though I like it if he’s unnerved about the general situation, and not that it’s because he just saw the dude he thought was dead is still alive.

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That’s scary, when someone’s talking to you without looking, and then they look.

It certainly cancels out the stupidity of the word cuckoo.

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It’s even creepier to me that no one else is moving or even acknowledging him.

Do they lose Spectre points if they look or something? What kind of weird church cult shit is this?

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“Ciao, Mickey Mouse.”

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I like that smile. He goes from completely unnerved to, “Oh, I know how to handle this. Throw the motherfucker off the balcony.”

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Ciao also means goodbye.

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Oh, smart henchman got involuntarily tally ho’ed onto that beautiful table.

He lives though. Because I think this franchise appreciates smart henchmen.

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That’s how you exit a room.

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I’m sure that wasn’t a couple hundred years old.

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Less graceful from that angle.

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Honestly, show him running through all the twists and turns of this place, and I’m cool with that instead of the car chase.

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Barrel roll!

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No one in Spectre drives a beat up Camry.


Is he parked next to a Mercedes SLR McLaren? Yes, he is. And just above its passenger side mirror is the Bugatti EB110, which is super cool and one of the rarest cars here. They made 139 of them in the early 90s.

Do you think some of them carpooled? Or Ubered here?

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I had a moment of, “Why’s he doing that?” until I realized this is a British made car and the drive is on the other side.

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Did no one think to fuck with his car while he was inside?

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Do license plates often have the name of the car on them?

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Somehow during all of this, only Hinx thought to get in a car and was the only one who actually did so. Seems like he’s the one who actually deserved his mission.

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I suppose it’s time to talk about Hinx’s Jaguar. The original car was the Jaguar C-X75, a concept car first shown at the Paris Auto Show in 2010. People went crazy over it because it had four electric motors to power the wheels, and the engines charging the batteries were actually diesel turbine engines. It was fast and green, but very expensive, so they had to change it for production.

They had developed an awesome Formula 1 style 1.6L four-cylinder turbo to power batteries for the production car, and then they folded the whole thing because it was going to be too expensive. They still had the cars hanging around, though, so they threw the 5.0L supercharged V8 from the F-Type R and the XJR into it and beefed up the frame to use it in this movie. What you’re hearing here sounds so much better than the original car would, because a V8 is just…better.

But this is slower than the other car, though still more than a match for the Aston Martin. So what you have is Bond in a DB10 (a non-production concept car made by Bond product placement company Aston Martin) being chased by Hinx in the C-X75 (a non-production concept car made by Bond product placement company Jaguar Land Rover). Conceptually, it’s great.

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Drifting on Roman cobbles. This is such a good place to have a night chase in a supercar. Which – if you like the idea of driving fast though a European city on film, check out the 1976 short film by Claude Lelouch, C’était un Rendez-vous. He mounted a camera on the front of a Mercedes 450SEL 6.9 and drove through Paris at high speeds at 5:30 am. The sound came from his Ferrari 275GTB, which explains why it’s so exciting to listen to even when he’s going slowly.

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I like the sleekness of the tail lights at night.

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… and pan to Rome. When out of other things to do, just do that.

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Does no one drive at night here?

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Is this in the rearview mirror? What’s the purpose of this? Psychological? It’s not like you’re in the Millennium Falcon and you need to target shit. The guns are doing all the work. You’re just flipping a switch.

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Well, it looks like that… backfired.

How much does Q hate all the other double-os? That shit wasn’t even loaded? 009 was THERE TO PICK UP THE CAR!


I’m glad there’s no ammo loaded. More chase, fewer gadgets. Still, 009 was there to pick it up and it should be good to go.

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Honestly, if I’m a cop, I’m just watching this chase, enjoying these cars doing what they’re meant to do.

Except the fire. I’d probably intervene at that point.

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Atmosphere was in the original DB5, right?

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They’re really going for laughs in this one, huh? Not necessarily an incorrect choice for Ol’ Blue Eyes. It’s “New York, New York,” by the way.

I’m curious what else they could have gone with there. It needs to be something instantly recognizable yet light enough to be funny. I like the choice of the timeless song over the stupid pop song. That’s what separates this franchise from the others.

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There’s a cheap way to make a convertible.



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Really? The ONE car on the road?

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Fuck you, bikes!


The thing that you don’t realize about most supercars is, they’re REALLY wide. This Jaguar is way too wide to be driving like this in the alleys of Rome.

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That’s a Seinfeld face.

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When you get a finger in the butt out of nowhere.

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What does this say about Fiats and the people who drive them?


I really wish they hadn’t done this thing with the Italian guy in the Fiat, because it’s like something that Roger Moore would have done.

Maybe that’s why they did it.

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There is no way you’re doing 76 with him pushing you like that. Also, you have a brake.


To be fair, 76kmh is only 47mph. And as long as he’s got the clutch in at this point, there’s more than enough oomph in the Aston to do that to a Fiat.

I forgot about the metric system. What’s with 99% of the world, not adhering to our standards? I mean, how selfish you gonna be, right?

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Two fingers in the butt.

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Fiats: Shitty drivers, good airbags.

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He just thinks of her in the middle of a car chase?

“Hey, remember that time you shot me?”

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Of course she’s just awake and doing work.

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“Listen, Moneypenny – Hamburg, Tunisia, Mexico City, they’re all linked.”


In the middle of a chase, he’s talking to Moneypenny about the case, because that’s badass and it splits action for us. This is how you keep action from getting too monotonous.

I like how he randomly remembers Hamburg and Tunisia even though they were part one one throwaway line.

I also like how Mexico City is in there even though that technically never happened and he’s the cause.

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“It’s one organization coordinating multiple attacks.”

“So she was right.”

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“Of course she was.”

How do you know? Maybe Marco Sciarra fucked her and left her at the altar. You don’t know that’s why she wanted him dead. If I die, I’m gonna leave the exact same video for my friends. And it’ll be some random person’s name on there.

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“Who is it?”

Aww, Moneypenny hatefucks a random!

“Oh, uhh, my boss, had his credit card stolen.”

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“Who was that?”

“No one.”

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“It’s just a friend.”

Don’t answer twice like that. It’s suspicious.

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“At this time of night?”


He’s jealous! See, this is why we love them. Lois Maxwell used to have dates and stuff, and Connery would be bummed. But that’s the way it goes.

Lois Maxwell didn’t look like Naomie Harris.

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“It’s called life, James. You should try it sometime.”

Do political assassinations get you a Life tile?

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Wait…he threw that champagne on the ground earlier…has he still not had any booze in this movie? Is that possible? We should really go back and do a check on how long into each movie it is before Bond drinks, because this might be a record.

Funnily enough, I randomly checked Dr. No, just because apparently all the movies are online in some form to just check like that — he has drinks in his hands multiple times early in the movie, but we don’t officially see him take a drink until about 42 minutes into the movie. So it’s not unheard of.

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“The Pale King. It looks like you’ve had dealings with him before.”

Yes, during my formative years… oh, right, not masturbation.

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“Of course, Mr. White!”

Wait, what? How did she figure out who it was? Are we just gonna gloss over that?


Oh, I thought she had done the digging he asked for and wasn’t supposed to contact him or didn’t know how until he called her. I just assumed she had this ready for when he called.

What a shitty job. Though a very Moneypenny situation to be in.

Still, though — she does the digging, finds Mr. White, and then never thinks to maybe seek Bond out about it? Even if it is because she doesn’t know how to get him, which is fair — why does she need the laptop? You can tell him Mr. White before you send the data over. He’s gonna know who it is.

It’s minor logic issues in a movie with larger logic issues, but still. This is what we’re here for.

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When did they take that picture?

Also, it’s funny that everyone knows exactly where this guy is, and yet he’s still alive.

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That face says it all.

“Hold that thought.”

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This is a very gentlemanly car chase.


Both in British sports cars, after all.

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Also, no cops to speak of anywhere.


It’s nice that nobody’s out right now in Rome at like 1 am.

Probably all passed out from the wine. Or fucking. I assume that’s what Rome is.

And why I’d like to be there.

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No, no – he wants you to hold it between your knees.

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“Still there?”

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That’s the epitome of Moneypenny. That line.

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“Run another name, will you? A man called Franz Oberhauser.”

Why did we need the “man called” part? She’s just running the name.

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Sounded like he was gonna say “he’s my brother” before that car cut him off.

Also, what is that now, two people out at 1am?

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“And check his files before and after his death.”

Are there gonna be files after his death? Wouldn’t you get everything when you run a search?

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“After his death, what are you talking about?”


Yeah, this feels clunky. We get that he means Oberhauser is supposed to be dead, but how would you check posthumous files? You just look him up and go, “Well, here are the files.” One would think.

Guess they mean known affiliates and stuff? See what crosslists with him? Makes no sense at all, just trying to rationalize it.

I’m guessing is to see if anything matches his M.O. more recently than the date he was supposed to have died. There was a better way to have written that line.

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Is this where the car turns invisible?


This shot. This glorious shot. Drifting on cobbles onto a thoroughfare. These guys can drive, and that Aston is beautiful. Still isn’t nearly as good as the Quantum of Solace chase, which is still my favorite car chase in Bond history.

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Car chases are so much easier without traffic.

Though that’s also why I appreciate the Bourne chases. They do that shit in public.

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In real life, don’t drive down stairs.

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So…this is basically where Audrey Hepburn went dancing.

But not where Donald Sutherland got stabbed by that creepy dwarf.

It’s important to know your landmarks.

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This is a nice shot.

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Cars like this moving at that speed could totally go up on the banking like that, though I’m amazed it’s smooth enough.

I have almost nothing to add to this car chase. It just — is.

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“Okay, Q, give me something.”

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Fire exhaust is pretty nice, huh? That’ll teach you to tailgate, soccer mom.

Lotta soccer moms in Jaguars?

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“That’s more like it.”

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There’s a shot (the fire engulfing the car, looking at the driver’s side window) that you could screenshot and almost nobody would be able to identify. It looks like nothing.

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That’s probably not super good for the car.

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Oh, but yeah, it ends.

Maybe turn around and drive back the other way before the fire goes away.

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Why the ejector seat? Why not just MORE exhaust? I mean, at this point, why not just slow down progressively and keep spewing fire on him? What’s he going to do? You’ll either blow up his car or he’ll have to back away. If it works even when you’re not moving, that seems like a great weapon. Or better yet, start backing into him with the fire fart.

At least that one works. Would suck if the roof didn’t pop off? Some Goose shit.

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Probably for the best. It wasn’t even field ready.


It was worth several million dollars.

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There are people over there. How does nobody see Hinx?

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Where did the seat end up?

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So no one’s on the road, but there are this many people on foot at this exact place at 1am?

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“Good evening.”


Stop smiling. You wrecked that car.

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Don’t leave that on the ground. That’s how they get your fingerprints.

That’s a lot of graffiti back there.

Also, is this dude a criminal? I feel like the people doing this job are criminals.

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So the dude whose apartment this isn’t is just sleeping and she didn’t kick him out?

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Look at young Christoph!

Does Bond not have access to this?

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Yup, that’s how that works.


Again, no translation software works like that. Or if it does, that’s incredible. “…preventing rescuers from mounting a search until first light the following day.” That’s pretty specific and idiomatic stuff for a direct translation.

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Please note that it translates it and keeps the formatting identical. The translated text is even in the original typeface and looks as though it has the same printed qualities. What? Nobody ever thinks through what gets shown on computer screens in movies. This should just spit out a PDF with the text reformatted and in Arial or something.

Also, these aren’t the files after his death.

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Young Christoph would have made a great Slytherin.


I thought he looked like Cormac McLaggen. I just dislike everyone but Ravenclaws. And Flitwick.

We’ll end Part II there. With one more comment that I appreciate the fact that the sub-headline to this article is “tragedy.”

– – – – – – – – –

See the other parts here:

Spectre, Part I

Spectre, Part III

Spectre Part IV

Spectre Part V


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