Ranking Bond: Spectre (2015), Part III
In what was a precursor to Fun with Franchises and as a lead up to the release of Skyfall in 2012, Colin and I did a series called Ranking Bond. We watched all the movies in the franchise wrote them up and ranked how we liked them. We did it as a movie a day, which is absolutely insane. Though it did make me realize we could get more out of splitting each movie into parts, and how much fun the two of us riffing on films can be, and thus Fun with Franchises was born.
But, since Bond movies keep coming out, we keep going back to the franchise. Because we love it. We did articles for Skyfall when that film got released on Blu-Ray, and now we’re doing Spectre.
Here is Part III of Spectre:
We begin in Tokyo. But not really, because there are no exterior shots. They’re just telling us this is Tokyo.
Hey, wait, I lived there til recently. Can I just say how glad I am that they didn’t do it at dusk, with Mt. Fuji in the background? Cause here’s a little secret for all of you – you can’t ACTUALLY see Mt. Fuji from Tokyo, and even when you can (from high up in skyscrapers), it’s very far off.
“Do not let them tell you we need less surveillance. We need more.”
I don’t care about this speech. This completely kills plot momentum.
Sort of like the earlier discussion between Bond and Tanner, this seems out of place. He’s giving an extremely basic outline of the plan, focusing on exposition more than persuasion. The stuff he’s saying is what got all these people on planes to Tokyo in the first place. It’s not like they’re just finding out right now what the plan is for the first time and then voting.
Like the US and China would share intelligence data! Like China would share intel with ANYONE, for that matter. I know this movie is supposed to be a response to Edward Snowden and the age of surveillance, but the whole program they’re talking about is kind of silly in its scope.
“There was an industrial explosion in Tunisia, so now China and America and seven other countries are going to pool their intelligence data to lock down terrorism.” And it’s so cute how England is supposed to be leading the charge, because it’s a Bond movie.
That lady is on Facebook.
I like looking at peoples’ inboxes in movies.
He’s got a lot of messages from someone I’m going to assume is Mary Worth.
I like how it says “inaugural meeting.” As if they don’t even think they’d get this shit passed in one go.
So he randomly just got that news alert? And M didn’t?
I thought someone was sending it to him. But it’s also hilarious that this is happening at night in Tokyo, which would make it the following morning or potentially early afternoon in Italy. So there was a “street race” at like 1am that nobody really witnessed and the cops didn’t show up to, and now Tanner’s finding out from the BBC, which would probably be the 12th agency to cover this story IF IT COVERED THIS STORY AT ALL.
The BBC typically covers stories like David Cameron visiting a foreign country, or Manchester United winning a game. They’re less likely to publish something about a single car accident in another country. And if you’ve ever driven in Italy, you know that there aren’t enough reporters in the WORLD to cover car accidents in Rome.
Good for you, South Africa.
So much for a secret ballot.
“The vote is 8-1 in favor. However, as you know—”
Well I guess we can stop that sentence right there, since they know already.
Why does he look nervous? It’s not like he’s gonna get fired for this? And it’s not like he’s totally covering for Bond, since he’s about to text him.
DO YOU GUYS EVER WRITE IN ALL CAPS CAUSE I DO SOMETIMES
You think MI6 has email chains? Like, “FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: URGENT”
“Please tell me 007 is in London.”
“I’ll just take a look now, sir.”
“Because if he isn’t, you’re in deep shit.”
I love that their first instinct wasn’t to track the car instead of the guy’s BLOOD. Also, don’t they think 009 has the car? Cause Q wouldn’t have told them that Bond had stolen it, because then they’d be all over him. Why did they see the car and think Bond was missing? Why wasn’t Tanner like, “Fucking 009. He’s gonna do so many clinic hours paying for this.” Dunno why 009 is House in this scenario, but you get why I’m confused about how Tanner traced this to Bond.
Aren’t they tracking his blood? I feel like they saw the car crashed, figured it was Bond’s doing, and are now asking Q to track the blood.
Still not sure why they didn’t assume it was 009. He should be catching shit for this.
Also, did he not see this and connect it to Bond? He should at least have figured it out.
“You’ve got precisely ten seconds.”
Pretty nice monitor, possibly the sorriest stand you could put it on. That looks like a surgeon’s cart sourced from an abandoned Siberian TB sanitarium.
I like how it says “Agent 007,” as if they all have the smart blood tracking.
“I have him, sir. He appears to be in Chelsea.”
Q’s a good guy, and that’s consistent with older Bond movies. Sticking his neck out for 007.
“Well, I want eyes on him when I get back, understood?”
Okay then, but how do you explain the fucking car in the river?
“Bond’s in Chelsea.” “Okay, so how’d the car get in the river?”
Did 009 get reamed for this?
Correct answer would have been, “Chelsea? Who’s she?”
That would have been a final line in one of the Moore/Brosnan films.
Why are we getting title cards for places we already know?
It’s a little early for snow. Day of the Dead is Halloween plus two days, then give it a few days for him to get back and a few til the funeral, and that was the day before this. So it’s like November 10th if we’re being really generous. Skiing doesn’t start in that area til December, but I guess we’ll just be REALLY generous because it looks nice.
He’s in a boat and that shot is Deakins as all hell.
This dude really likes living on lakes, though this one isn’t quite as nice as Lake Como.
I want this house.
I can’t wait til we’re awesome rich people.
You also never see Bond picking up clothing anywhere between scenes. Packing shirts and taking the tags off new sweaters. Doing laundry so he has enough clean underwear.
Bond in cold, dark houses is kind of a thing in these last two movies.
Crows are a sign of death. Get it?
What’s his plan, exactly? See when Spectre is gonna show up and assume they won’t know he’s watching them from downstairs?
I need to get this shit going. Though, always make sure you line your secret doors so light isn’t creeping out underneath. That’s just lazy, man.
You gotta do the double door thing, like M.
That’s gonna be my setup. Just monitors everywhere and empty bags of tortilla chips strewn all over.
“Do me a favor, make it quick.”
“Upstairs, Mr. White.”
Don’t add the “Mr. White.” Now you’re just adding exposition for the sake of it. We just heard who you were coming for in the last scene.
You beat me to it. Unnecessary.
This scene is a highlight of the film.
“I always knew death would wear a familiar face. But not yours.”
Weird how Bond ends up with his daughter, though.
I guess that’s kinda On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
Also why I thought she was gonna get SHOT IN THE FACE.
Weird how Draco never went after Blofeld for that. Just kind of let his daughter die unavenged.
“To what do I owe this pleasure, Mr. Bond?”
“I was at a meeting recently, and your name came up.”
“I’m flattered London is still talking about me.”
“It wasn’t MI6. It was Rome. Your team, not mine.”
I feel like they’re the kind of organization that doesn’t have a set base. Saying Rome shouldn’t mean shit.
“Last month I found thallium in my cell phone.”
“It’s done its job. I have a few weeks. Maybe less.”
This is a little confusing. I guess they put a piece of thallium inside his cell phone? But it’s not radioactive, and you need to inhale it or touch it to be poisoned by it, so if it’s in the phone, I’m not sure how that works. Furthermore, there’s an antidote for it (Prussian blue) that’s readily available just about anywhere in the world. If you want to kill someone and have access to their phone, you can probably get close enough to put one in their ear instead.
The other thing is — when did they put this in his phone? Like, weeks ago, or did they come and put it in his phone and assume it would work? Why would you then send someone to kill him if you already did the thallium thing? Is this Sciarra’s fault? Was he half-assing his duties?
“So, here we are, Mr. Bond. Two dead men enjoying the evening.”
Good line. Two dead men enjoying the evening.
“What did you do?”
“I disobeyed him. I followed him as far as I could. He changed.”
“Oh, I see. You grew a conscience.”
Why aren’t specifics brought up? Because he had to do some wild shit to not follow him past the shit he already did in the first couple movies.
“Our game is our game. But this – women, children –”
It’s funny that he only feels bad now about this stuff, when two movies ago they were prepared to let plenty of Bolivian women and children die of thirst.
“Well, the thallium would suggest that he doesn’t like you very much anymore. And clearly the feeling is mutual. So why don’t you tell me how to find him again?”
“Tell me where he is.”
“He’s sitting at your desk, he’s kissing your lover, he’s eating supper with your family.”
Bond doesn’t have two of those things.
“You’re protecting someone. Your wife.”
“She left long ago.”
Your sister and your daughter! Of course it’s a daughter. With Bond, it can never be a son. With daughters, he can sleep with them and protect them and all that, and that’s happened in a bunch of movies. But remember what happened when he met Kerim Bey’s son in From Russia with Love? “Your dad’s dead. I need a ride.” Seriously, let’s think about this for a second.
Honey Ryder was on Crab Key because her father was killed. Daughter. Domino Derval was the younger sister of the guy Largo killed. Little sister, which counts because if it’d been a little brother, none of it would have worked. Tracy di Vicenzo, the daughter of the former criminal, who’s pretty much the basis for this Spectre relationship. Daughter. Melina Havelock, daughter of a couple murdered by a henchman. Daughter. Stacey Sutton, daughter and granddaughter of the owners of Sutton Oil, taken over by a maniacal Chris Walken. Elektra King, daughter of an oil magnate who…she blew up. Camille Montes, daughter of a couple murdered by General Medrano. And he sleeps with all of them (right?) except for Camille.
Sons, it’s all ordering coffee and telling them their fathers are dead.
It’s weird that he makes this jump that he’s protecting someone. Also, he could have just told him everything without involving his daughter. This actually endangers her way more. They only find her because of Bond. The only thing Madeline gets out of this is some dick. And maybe a little closure.
“You won’t find her. She is clever. She is smarter than me. She knows how to hide.”
SHE’S USING THE SAME NAME.
Blofeld knows her name. If he wanted to find her, he would have.
“I can protect her if you tell me where he is. I can keep her alive.”
Crazy how this organization, any time one of its members leaves or fucks up, they kill their entire family to prevent people from finding out and yet no one has ever caught onto this.
“You have my word.”
“Your word? The word of an assassin?”
“That’s my word.”
“Seriously. I want to sleep with your daughter enough that I’ll give you my gun.” And he hasn’t even seen a picture yet.
Your gun’s gonna get dusty.
I like Jesper. The Danes have been good for Bond, especially Mads Mikkelsen. Which – if you haven’t already, watch Flame and Citron, which stars him and another guy as operatives in the Danish Resistance during WWII. Intense.
Did White expect him to react?
“Do it. I already seen everything but Jesus no way.”
“L’Americain. You save her, she can lead you to L’Americain. She knows L’Americain.”
Want someone to remember something, three times.
Also, she’s about to know some L’Americain.
“Try the Hoffler Klinik.”
“You’re a kite dancing in a hurricane, Mr. Bond.”
That’s the kind of line you know they wrote for the trailer.
There’s a fine line between dancing and HOLY SHIT SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THIS HURRICANE.
If this wasn’t so serious, they’d leave it on the wide shot for a few seconds and then cut to Jesper’s mouth wide open. Like Slate, when Bond kills him in the hotel in Port au Prince. That was comedy gold.
We should also take a second to appreciate what a solid character Mr. White has been. The limited screen time actually helps him in this case, and being stretched out over three films makes us feel like we knew him and could trust him, even though he and Bond were not always direct adversaries. Aside from the very end of Casino and the beginning of Quantum, they never really crossed paths. And I like that.
Weird how that’s his exact ring size too.
And you loot the body.
White really didn’t give a damn. Neither does Bond. Fingerprints, ballistics, everything. It’s clue town up in here.
What could possibly be in that wallet?
I hope he doesn’t want to fuck her from that photo.
“I can’t deny I’m impressed. You got HMG to cough up for all this.”
Her Majesty’s Government? Are we really abbreviating that?
“Good god, the government couldn’t afford this kind of facility. No, it was benefactors, mostly from the private sector.”
You know, like Blofeld. Hint hint. Weird how no one questions that line. Like, “Oh yeah, rich people gave us money for this.” And why? I bet Rupert Murdoch was in on it! He seems like he’d be Spectre.
Private benefactors built a new public-sector surveillance center. Yeah, I buy that. That’s the kind of thing on the front page of every newspaper in the free world when it comes to light. Like if the NSA data centers were constructed and paid for by Halliburton. Are you kidding? And oh yes. Murdoch would be ALL over this.
Seems like a lot of steps when you could just have a high tech elevator.
They go over some technical shit. Mostly, bad. “George Owell’s worst nightmare.”
“My commiserations on losing the Nine Eyes vote. Must have been a blow.”
“Not really. Only a matter of time before the South Africans see the light.”
Was that racist? I wanna feel like that was racist.
“Yeah, those South Africans really gave us the full-Nelson Mandela on that vote, eh?” Thanks, I’m here all week.
Also, that’s twice now about “seeing the light.” Seriously guys. Telegraph it less.
“You know what they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day.”
South Africa might have been.
“Day and a half, maybe.”
Why are we seeing this?
“Look, Max, I know surveillance is a fact of life. It’s how you use the information that concerns me, and who is using it.”
“This is what we need to do to keep the people safe.”
This is not an answer.
Ed Snowden should be thrilled that his legacy is being used to advocate violent vigilantism by former imperialist powers.
“The double-o program is prehistoric.”
He’s responding to actual questions with stupid talking points. That’s politician shit. Or athletes that give terrible interviews. We don’t like that.
“Come on, M, you can’t really tell me that one man in the field could compete with all of this. Running around with his license to kill.”
See, if this was his only angle, I’d be fine with it. If Blofeld somehow took this over and his blind eye and devotion to this was his downfall, fine. But this is so fucking obvious.
“Have you ever had to kill a man, Max? Have you?”
It’s a good point. But on the other hand, wouldn’t the surveillance only tell you who to send the double-os after? I’m not really sure why both can’t exist.
“To pull that trigger, you have to be sure. Yes, you investigate, analyze, assess, target. And then you have to look him in the eye.”
Not always. Sometimes you’re strangling them from behind with a garrote.
Get it? He can’t do it.
“And you make the call. And all the drones, bugs, cameras, transcripts, all the surveillance in the world can’t tell you what to do next. A license to kill is also a license not to kill.”
In case you didn’t know how this movie was going to end.
Also, surveillance isn’t a license to — where the fuck are we? What is going on?
“I didn’t want to have to do this. But it looks like you still can’t control your agents.”
Gee, I wonder if he’s evil.
And he cuts it off right before Oberhauser.
“So maybe there’s something to be said for total surveillance after all.”
The real question is, why didn’t you tell M about this in the first place?
“You watch MI6 agents?”
“We watch everyone.”
“We know which trees the Queen’s corgis took pisses on this morning.”
Yeah, but what about the trees she pisses on?
Did the crows know he was dying? Or did that just work out for them?
What would Madeline feel worse about? Seeing her father kill himself or seeing that his body was just left there for crows to pick at?
The hat’s a nice touch for Dave Bautista. He’s really doing well with the whole acting thing.
This shows him as a smart henchman. Rather than act rashly, he sent this shit to Blofeld to use.
Clinic straight out of OHMSS. The movie where Bond fell in love and fought Blofeld.
Plane flying by the camera like that over snowy mountains is pretty GoldenEye, you must admit, but this location is clearly a callback to the Piz Gloria from OHMSS.
HAHA JAMES BOND FLYING COACH
I like the single row seating. This is some Indiana Jones shit.
This place is actually a restaurant called Ice Q and I really want to go.
This score is really reminiscent of the one from Skyfall. A lot of the transitional scenes like this have the same rhythm and vibe as they did then. This part sounds a lot like the car trip from the airport in Shanghai.
Was he the only passenger going to this clinic? What happened to the rest of the flight?
How many people go skiing and decide, “You know… I really need therapy”?
Seriously, Europe. Your furniture game is on point.
I kinda want to go hang out in Ikea for a while one of these weeks.
Is there a waiting room? How is this clinic organized? Are there other doctors? Seems like they didn’t quite think this space through.
“Please take a seat. I’ll be with you in just a moment.”
Sup, Madmoiselle Betty?
No doctor would talk into their recorder about another patient in front of another patient. No matter what language it’s in.
“My name is Dr. Madeline Swan. Our job today is to analyze your needs.”
Her name is Madeleine Swann, which is a reference to Proust’s In Search of Lost Time. The first installment features a character named Swann, and the narrator’s accidental recollection of past events from eating a madeleine. We’ve come a long way from Plenty O’Toole and Pussy Galore.
Not gonna lie… kinda miss those days.
Strawberry Fields was the closest we’ve come in this franchise, and even then they didn’t explicitly call her that.
“Both psychological and physical.”
“Sounds pretty straightforward.”
“I hope you don’t mind. The view can be distracting.”
“I hadn’t noticed.”
Note to self: that office.
You only closed one shade.
“I see you filled out most of the paperwork.”
Yes. That’s what you do.
“Just a few questions to complete your evaluation.”
So, he didn’t finish filling out the paperwork, is what this is.
“Do you exercise?”
“When I have to.”
“Do you consider your employment to be psychologically stressful?”
I love this speed dating thing. Psych evals are basically speed dating where you don’t have to ask the other person about them.
“How much alcohol do you consume?”
He consumes too much alcohol but so far in this movie he hasn’t had a drop. We’re more than an hour in.
“Some broader questions. As a child would you say you were close to your parents?”
“My parents died when I was young.”
“Really? How old?”
“Old enough to remember.”
He’s actually answering these questions. Connery would have grabbed her ass already and Dalton would be sobbing. This is the Goldilocks of sexually-charged psych evals.
They veer a bit too much into actual psychoanalysis here for my taste. They should have kept it at light flirting.
“How, if I may ask?”
“It was a climbing accident.”
Lotta people die in climbing accidents with him.
“So who brought you up?”
“Someone else. Humor me – how does one train at Oxford and the Sorbonne, become a consultant, spent two years with Medecins Sans Frontieres and end up here?”
Way to be evasive.
“Forgive me but anyone might think you’re hiding from something.”
“You’re paying a lot of money to be here, Mr. Bond. Who’s asking the questions?”
This is either poorly written or poorly acted. I can’t tell which.
“I see you left this final question blank. What is your occupation?”
General anxiety level: 2/10. Do you feel scared? 2/10. Are you regretful? 2/10. General temper/mood: 6/10. See, this is where you’d expect them to do something like Anxiety: 0; Scared: 0; Regretful: 7. Kind of glad they didn’t.
“Well, that’s not the sort of thing that looks good on a form.”
“And why is that?”
“I kill people.”
Great answer. Would have been funny it they’d cut back to him and he’d said, “For money.”
“Small world, eh?”
“Where is he?”
“Your father’s dead. Two days ago.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I was there.”
“Did you kill him?”
“I didn’t have to. He did it himself.”
He’s exercising enormous restraint in not just spilling the beans about how it went down, and that’s why he’s James Bond and I’m just a schmuck.
“And you came all the way just to tell me this? That my father’s dead?”
“I came to tell you that your life is in danger and I need your help.”
“I made a deal with him to protect you.”
I have nothing to say about any of this. It’s just kind of… happening.
“You’re lying. Why would he trust you?”
“Because he knew that I needed something in return.”
“And what was that?”
To fuck her.
“To find L’Americain.”
“This interview is over. You have ten minutes to leave the building, then I’m calling security.”
He paid all that money, though.
Not exactly the place for a sleeveless blouse, huh? How is that place warm at all without fogging up the glass?
“Thank you, Dr. Swann.”
Does that make her White-Swann?
YAY A BAR!
Yeah, you angrily close that mechanical shade!
“Can I get you something, sir?”
A less creepy bartender, perhaps
“Vodka martini. Shaken, not stirred.”
“I’m sorry, we don’t serve alcohol.”
“I’m really starting to love this place.”
He said the line! That’s the first time Craig has actually ordered one like that! But this asshole has to tell us they don’t serve booze, which…come on. He hasn’t had a drink for the whole movie.
“He’ll have the proleptic digestive enzyme shake.”
Why not just get him the explosive diarrhea? Will probably save him $16.
“If you’ve come for the car, I’ve parked it at the bottom of the Tiber.”
Q wears sweaters.
“Well, not to worry, 007, it was only a three million pound prototype.”
Oh, don’t talk about that car anymore now that you’ve wrecked it. It really kills me that destroying cars is such a staple of the franchise.
“Why are you here, Q?”
“Oh, I just fancied a break, to be honest. I’ve been a tad stressed at work recently. What, with C’s people crawling all over us and the fact that M wants my balls for Christmas decorations.”
I like that they have a sort of relationship as collaborators. MI6 is more of a team effort these days, and I have no problem with that. It’s the 21st century, everyone’s connected and technology and databases have to play a role. It’s only natural that this kind of dynamic would occur.
“Get to the point.”
“The point, 007 is that Franz Oberhauser is dead. Dead and buried. And unless you come back with me right now, my career, and Moneypenny’s, will go the same way. Do you understand? All hell is breaking loose out there and here you–”
“I saw him.”
“You thought you saw him. We’ve been through the records. He died in an avalanche with his father twenty years ago.”
“Yes, I know that, but I saw him.”
“He’s not someone I’ll ever forget.”
“So, you have a lead?”
“I have a name. L’Americain.”
“Well that narrows it down.”
Put that into google. How crazy can it be?
“Look, 007, time’s up. My whole career is on the line here. Either you come back in and do this through proper channels or I go directly to M.”
And say what? That you kept Bond being in another country a secret, but it’s all Bond’s fault because he was gonna kill your cats?
“Do one more thing for me. Then you’re out.”
“Find out what you can from this.”
Wait, does she have doors on both sides of her office? How did they surround her like that?
How did he not clock that at all?
How does no one know this is happening?
“I really, really hate you right now.”
“Thank you, Q.”
“Where are you staying?”
No respect for security.
“The Pevsner. Room 12.”
One proleptic digestive enzyme shake.
“Do me a favor, will you? Throw that down the toilet. Cut out the middle man.”
I guess the bar is just complementary? He didn’t pay.
Does no one else see this?
Looks like you’re gonna need new security guys.
He talks to guards like they’re dogs. I love him.
That other guy’s face.
I like how you can abduct a white woman in the Alps and no one says SHIT.
In many ways, this is the Thailand of Europe.
Great security you guys got here.
That’s a pretty sweet Range Rover. It’s the Sport SVR, which has the same engine that was in the C-X75 earlier. 550 horsepower from a supercharged V8. It scoots.
HOW DO YOU FUCK THIS UP???
Do they have a medical facility here? They must, since there are skiers about. But how quickly can they get to this guy? Or does he just bleed out because he’s Spectre and can’t answer why he was there?
They never show us what happens to henchmen like this. Does he quietly leave with his wife? Or does he show up to work with a cast on his leg for the next three months?
That’s a lot of jizz on that car.
Where did you get those goggles?
The best part about a moment like this is that he just walks off out of frame and we all are left to assume there’s some sort of vehicle there just waiting for him to use.
“Hey. I’m just gonna whip out my laptop on this ski lift.”
The other guy looks like he’s gonna whip out something else.
Does the number 7 have significance? I’m reading into everything in this movie.
Oh, right. 007.
We’ve all had this guy staring at us on public transportation.
So his laptop just has that.
Never know when you gotta go a tox screen on the way to work.
Well those gloves are pretty useless for keeping your hands warm.
Dive out. Worth a try, right?
Pretty cool that they all turn their lights on as they enter the tunnel.
“What do you want?”
Psychiatric counseling, clearly.
Why would you kidnap her if you’re just gonna inject her and kill her?
I’d expect that to be more of a sedative. Get her away quietly and then figure things out.
“What are you doing?”
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THEY’RE DOING
OH SHIT PLANE OUTTA NOWHERE
Oh good, now he’s dead.
That’s a great reaction.
YES. Stab this guy in the heart and Dave Bautista’s like, “No.” It’s great how during the later Brosnan years, this would have been Vinnie Jones.
Well that’s menacing as shit.
Great faces out of her in this scene.
Does no one drive here?
In many ways, this is the Thailand of Europe.
I like how amused he is by Bond.
This is pretty amazing, because that’s a BN-2 Islander, which has a minimum controllable speed of 45 miles per hour. This is possible. I was watching this in the theater, going, “There’s no way that thing isn’t stalling out.” But it’s totally doable. Though, if I were them, I’d just hit the brakes and drive really slowly.
Do you think they have any Grey Poupon?
Why not just follow them?
Does Avis have a bulletproof car option?
Look at that fucking hand cannon.
That gun is called the Arsenal Firearms 2011 Dueller Prismatic. I don’t know anything about guns and I don’t particularly like them, but I enjoy that this is like something out of a Resident Evil game.
He’s really stopped trying in this one, hasn’t he?
Close up on the gloves.
“Yeah, that’s right, bitch.”
And now back to the part that doesn’t matter at all.
It would be so easy to cut this movie down to two hours.
Crazy how you can do all that on a laptop in four minutes.
How do you run an autopsy on a piece of metal?
So did they put everybody’s blood into that ring, or how does that work?
Why does it have all their DNA on it? And why JUST theirs? Was this part of some creepy sex ritual at SPECTRE?
You’ve never jerked off in a circle over a bunch of silver rings?
In many ways, this is the Thailand of Europe.
That looks like Conan O’Brien as a European sex offender.
This is actually David Fincher, European sex offender.
Crenshaw is hard right now.
Look at this fucking lady.
“You win this round…”
He looks like when mom and dad won’t stop for ice cream on the way home.
Do they know how to get around here or is this all programmed into a GPS?
Where are they going, exactly?
This is easily the weakest part of this movie, which makes sense, because the DC-3 scene was the weakest part of Quantum of Solace. There’s no way any of this is happening in a civilian aircraft with no weapons.
At what part do they jump out in a life raft and survive?
Q is basically the Short Round of this movie.
Yes, that’ll work.
I’m almost nostalgic for movies where people miss all the time. Where bullets are inaccurate as shit and actually landing a shot means something.
From the Austrian Andy Sandberg.
More facial expressions.
Always something explosive.
Good thing she wasn’t in that SUV.
So he makes one crash and then pulls up? This is a very poor plan you have.
I’m a ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost
I just thought of a great Q the music joke that I could have used back during the “New York New York” part.
Oh, I’m sorry, am I supposed to care about any of this? Q isn’t supposed to be in the field.
When you really gotta fart but you don’t wanna make noise.
All of this: no.
What are they gonna do with all that lumber?
Well that’s probably not good.
This is kinda like the ski chase in For Your Eyes Only, mixed with Living Daylights. We’ll get to the Living Daylights portion in a minute.
This is pretty much what happens in those Pixar movies when no one’s looking.
That’s my relationship with most women.
Look, kids, it’s George C. Scott!
Because you’re worth it.
but you ain’t got no wings lt. dan
Well that plane’s no good.
I like it when a chase descends into an unsuspecting town.
There’s your Living Daylights moment.
If only there was an apparatus that stopped cars at a moment’s notice…
They triggered that a second too early.
That’s all death. Just death to everyone.
He got murdered with his seatbelt on.
Wait, what? You try to open the door and it’s locked so you just leave it? THE WINDOW IS DOWN!
“Don’t touch me!”
She says, after he saves her.
“Hey, you need to take a breath. Calm down. You’re in shock.”
You almost got a woman killed. Don’t apologize. Dig deeper. Grab her and start yelling.
This is a weird, rape-y moment.
“Get away from me! Did it cross your mind that you lead them to me?”
“I haven’t got time for this.”
See? Rape-y as hell.
“You need to tell me everything you know about L’Americain.”
While the dead guy is still chilling in the car back there.
“Go to hell!”
“I gave your father my word.”
What about your bow? And your axe?
And that stops you? He said that in the clinic.
Did they shoot this on the same set as the fort from The Revenant? What’s with the palisades, Europe? Is this hamlet defending itself from Vercingetorix?
“And why should I trust you?”
He got the Magic Dick.
“Because my father did?”
You know who else was the daughter of a criminal who was rescued by Bond and then kinda hated him for a while? Tracy. You have to see why I thought she’d be dead in a car at the end of this movie.
“Because right now, Doctor Swann—”
There’s no one to hear you scream?
“I’m your best chance of staying alive.”
Is Keira Knightley one of her ancestors?
Hinx is alive. In case you wondered why we cut back to this.
I also like how we never saw her acquiesce to going with him. We just assumed she’ll succumb to his wants.
They’re trying to make him like Jaws. Meets Oddjob, in that he doesn’t speak.
This is why we check pulses and finish jobs. You could totally just slit everyone’s throats with shards of glass just to be on the safe side. Which, tell me you wouldn’t watch that scene.
I would be that guy in the action movie.
“What the fuck are you doing, Mike??!!!”
*I look up from slitting a dude’s throat, covered in blood, eight more bodies already finished around me* “What?”
I like how he opens the door that much as if that’s gonna keep anyone not Bond out. That’s like four times as much as you need to kick that motherfucker open.
What’s with that look? “We’re gonna fuck. You’re gonna watch.”
“Bond, we need to talk. Alone.”
I am always a fan of this type of exchange.
“What have you got?”
“I owe you an apology, 007. You are onto something.”
You might have started with that.
“Oberhauser is still alive. The ring proves it.”
I like the little Patrice picture down there, as if we even remember who he is.
Also, does the ring prove it? And why did you not trust Bond? It’s not like he hasn’t been right every other time.
“They’re all part of one organization.”
“And you know who links them all?”
As if we didn’t know it was Blofeld.
Nice little graphic there, putting it over the octopus. More things should be explained with octopuses. And yes, I did say “octopuses,” because I refuse to use a Latin pluralization with a Greek word.
(He means Octopussy.)
“This organization, do you know what it’s called?”
Also, the GOP.
But we do? Get it? Get it?
“Its name is Spectre.”
Are you allowed to know that?
“How does she know that?”
My thoughts exactly.
“Because my father was part of it.”
They don’t explain the SPECTRE name here. It’s originally an acronym for “Special Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion.”
The two definitions for the word are:
1. a ghost; phantom; apparition
Which they’re clearly using it to mean. “You came across me so many times,” etc.
2. a mental image of something unpleasant or menacing
Which is kind of how the audience felt after seeing this movie.
So it works plurally.
“And I think you ought to see this.”
What if he put on hardcore Swedish porn right now?
Is that not mildly suspicious to anyone anywhere? Even M?
How stupid do they think the South Africans are? They’re the only vote against a worldwide intelligence network, and suddenly there’s a terrorist attack. Put it this way: if a group of insurance agents showed up at your door trying to sell you a policy on fire damage, and the day after you refused to enroll, your place burned to the ground under mysterious circumstances, you’d have a pretty good idea of what was going on.
South Africa’s having a bad year, between this and Avengers. And you know… being South Africa.
Also, I want all things to happen “under mysterious circumstances.”
I want to announce the birth of my child as happening under mysterious circumstances.
“Q, go back to London. M’s gonna need your help. And keep tracking me.”
“Bond, you have to find L’Americain. He’s our only link to Oberhauser.”
“It’s not a person.”
“It’s a place.”
I’ve been here enough in movies to know that shit without a title card.
Every time we see Morocco in a movie, someone is selling rugs.
Goddamn. I mean. Goddamn. And a doctor, too. Goddamn.
Now, does White own the room, or are they just hoping it’s available at the moment?
It’s Morocco. This place is empty 95 percent of the time and it makes no difference. The employees all have side gigs at the local Blue Parrot franchises.
Some pretty good travel in this one, you must admit.
And this is where you fuck.
What if that’s what it was for? A dying man’s wish to see his daughter have some grandkids?
“Funny, I shot your dad once…and then he shot himself, but it was with my gun. What? No, I told you, we’re not going mountain climbing together, ever.”
I hope he fucks her in the back seat once, and looks over at the trunk and goes, “You know, that’s funny…”
This is exactly what By the Sea was, by the way.
This could be a Terrence Malick film.
“This is where they spent their wedding night.”
So, this is where my parents fucked a lot.
A HA HA HA that face.
“They came back every year. Then they brought me with them too.”
So that’s how it is in their family.
“He kept coming back, even after the divorce.”
“Well then, I’m sorry.”
Giving the place that old The Who treatment.
“What is it?”
Technically an evil organization trying to murder her is also her inheritance.
Is Mom already dead? Mom never gets mentioned in this movie.
An hour and 19 minutes in, and Bond finally gets a drink! Finally!
“You don’t know what you’re missing.”
Oh, and she’s already drinking. Daddy issues plus wine equals aw yeah
Get it? He also does not know what he is missing.
“Here’s to your father.”
First drink, then toast, so you can drink more.
“I promised myself I would never be hurt by that man again. I cut off all contact. I didn’t want anything to do with him or his sick life. And then with his dying breath, he sends me you.”
Which honestly is a good set up for a romance. For Bond. That’s usually how it happens.
He shouldn’t have been dead at all, since he was poisoned with something that kills slowly and has an antidote. He was just lazy. “Meh. I’ll get the antidote, but I wanna finish Mad Men first. What’s gonna happen with Betty?”
There’s Bond in almost a nutshell. Her, him, the bottle. Add a gun and there’s the superfecta.
“You shouldn’t be so hard on him. The man I just met should have been dead weeks ago. The only reason his heart was still beating was you.”
That’s kind of a dumb line.
“I’ll mourn my father in my own time, Mr. Bond.”
“And now, I’m going to bed.”
That’s one way to go to bed.
How drunk are you?
This is exactly the type of situation he likes, unfortunately.
“Don’t think for one moment that this is where I fall into your arms.”
You already fell into his arms. You mean fucking.
Oh no. She don’t want it, but…
“Seeking solace for my dead daddy.”
I guess this is okay. She is supposed to be a shrink.
He likes a challenge.
“You sit there. Keep watch. That’s what you’re good at.”
“Come anywhere near me, and I’ll kill you.”
“I don’t doubt it.”
I like her. She’s feisty. And drunk.
What’s with the hands on the stomach? Don’t you know the international female body language handbook says that’s only for when you’re pregnant or shot in the gut?
Pregnant Or Shot In The Gut
…which could be the same thing, given interpretation.
Which reminds me… not a lot of Assassination Attempt or Sex in the Craig films.
Because it’s either neither or both. Like here and with Monica.
So he tore apart the room, and found nothing. So he just sits here and gets drunk until either something reveals itself or someone comes to kill him?
“Look, there are two of you.”
As my brother pointed out, this line is from Apocalypse Now: Redux. “There are two of you, don’t you see? One that kills and one that loves.” French chick, protagonist. Same setup.
And a drunk guy punching a wall in a hotel room.
“Two Jameses. Lucky me.”
Oh, you’re into that sort of thing?
He’s looking at her like, “What would it be like to have a threesome with her and another me?”
What if she just started furiously masturbating right now?
“To liars… and killers. Everywhere.”
What if she started furiously masturbating while saying that?
Tulsa. How’s that for a Bond location? What’s the last place on Earth James Bond would turn up in one of his movies? Provo? Tulsa? Des Moines?
Deus ex mousica
“Who sent you?”
I honestly lost it in the theater. This is Craig all over. He gets drunk to the point of absurdity, and they get to do stuff like this. No other Bond drank like THIS. That’s why I hate Roger Moore’s Bond. That terrible joie de vivre he exhibited in everything. I love that Craig drinks like this and how you can see the naked escapism in his face. And now he’s pointing a gun at a mouse. This is the best.
Reaction shots are the key to comedy.
“Who are you working for?”
How does one build that without the owners noticing?
How did she get out of her dress?
DON’T WASTE THE BOOZE
Whoa, man, you get water for that. Don’t drizzle booze in the mouse hole.
What’s that gonna cost when you check out?
Let us all realize just how much power the Kool Aid Man really has.
Casino Royale Craig would have either run through this wall or just flexed it apart.
Damn, sweetness. You changed.
White Is the Warmest Color.
My house has to have at least three of these places.
How does this work? Was this originally part of the suite? If we assume that this place was here before White showed up for the first time, it’s most likely that he just handed them a wad of cash and told them that part of their suite was going to be his secret room forever.
Why wouldn’t he hide out here instead of in Austria? At least die in the hotel room that means something to you. I guess cause they don’t have surveillance there. Both cool locations, though.
God damn. Look at what the doctor is in.
That’ll help the daddy issues.
He must have put her through medical school with his dirty money. She thinks he’s a dick, but you know who else is a dick? Student loans.
You know she like the PhD.
I like that there are automatic weapons just chilling on the walls. I bet the housekeepers never accidentally walk in despite the do not disturb in this room.
Here’s a question — how does White get into this room? Seems like it was just behind the wall. Did he have to break and rebuild the wall every time he came here?
Vesper’s tape. Again, the rules of Bond have changed, which is why we really can’t judge the Craig films in the same way as we used to.
No tape on Bond’s “investigation” though, huh? Where he had his balls smashed in by a giant metal thing and Le Chiffre got shot in the head.
“What is it?”
I like how he answers that while barely looking.
“Your father was scanning for a particular satellite phone. He was looking for someone.”
What the hell kind of computer is that? A Tandy? I named my Tandy Jessica.
“He was looking for him. And he sent me here to finish the job.”
And yet… didn’t really want to until the daughter was brought up.
This movie has quite a few logic problems, doesn’t it?
“I’m coming with you.”
“No you’re not.”
Look at her and tell me you don’t want her to come along. C’mon, buddy.
“I like you alive.”
I like a lot of things, but any port in a storm, man.
“I can look after myself.”
“That’s beside the point.”
“I may not be coming back.”
Kind of a deep line for a Bond movie, but also part glossed over and inconsequential here, because you never really feel like he’s in danger.
“I know. But I want to understand what happened to my father.”
There’s a difference between finding out and understanding.
“So, where’s he going?”
Well that solves that puzzle.
Way to be old, England.
He looks like he’s gonna walk in and punch him in the face.
“What’s going on?”
“The meeting was brought forward, did you not get the message?”
Gotta Dumbledore that shit, man. Show up three hours early. Get it together, Voldie.
“South Africans on board, I take it?”
M didn’t get a call, which means now you’ve pissed of Ralph Fiennes. The world must be colossally stupid if they didn’t pick up on what just happened. A single terrorist attack just happened in the one country that was opposed to the new surveillance plan. Yeah. Genius.
“Nine Eyes is now officially sanctioned. The new system goes live in less than 72 hours. It’s a major step forward.”
In what universe would that happen? “Yeah, this complex security plan we’ve only talked about is approved. So we’re gonna run it in three days, without any other country looking at it or testing it out first.” Does only England get to use it? Shouldn’t everyone else get a tutorial or something? Maybe three days isn’t enough time to mount this thing.
“Look, they’ve asked me to head the new committee.”
Why would you ask the biggest zealot to run the thing? Shouldn’t you ask the one who’s either most against or indifferent to make sure it gets used properly?
“I should tell you that I’ve spoken with the home secretary. And in light of the new information I’ve given him, he’s decided to close down the double-o program with immediate effect.”
British guys sound weird.
What does one have to do with the other? “I’ve been asked to run the committee. Oh, and also, I talked to our boss. And he’s gonna have you fired. One could have happened without the other.
“You don’t know what you’re doing.”
“It’s not personal. It’s the future. And you’re not.”
“You’re a cocky little bastard, aren’t you?”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“This isn’t over yet.”
It’s not over, but it is the END OF PART III.
– – – – – – – – –
See the other parts here: