Ranking Bond: Spectre (2015), Part IV

In what was a precursor to Fun with Franchises and as a lead up to the release of Skyfall in 2012, Colin and I did a series called Ranking Bond. We watched all the movies in the franchise wrote them up and ranked how we liked them. We did it as a movie a day, which is absolutely insane. Though it did make me realize we could get more out of splitting each movie into parts, and how much fun the two of us riffing on films can be, and thus Fun with Franchises was born.

But, since Bond movies keep coming out, we keep going back to the franchise. Because we love it. We did articles for Skyfall when that film got released on Blu-Ray, and now we’re doing Spectre.

Here is Part IV of Spectre:

Spectre - Title Card

We begin on a train.

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From Russia with Love.


There’s no way this train is a thing. You guys. It’s an actual thing. I hate heat, but I want to ride this train. I want to go to the desert. Someone give me travel money. This is so cool. Apparently, some rich Swiss guy found out that there was an unused track across the Moroccan desert and since he likes trains, he bought it and started this railway. This guy sounds like my kind of guy. Most rich people use their money incorrectly, but I think this deserves applause.

I was in the theater going, “Come on. The plane stunt earlier was farfetched, but who’s going to believe that there’s a luxury sleeper train across the most barren strip of desert in North Africa? This is gratuitous, even for Bond.” AND IT’S REAL YOU GUYS.

This is a use of money I approve of. The only thing cooler would be if the train was purely for people to hang out and party for a week.

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Very from Russia with Love.

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Women on trains. Very Bond.

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“Pick it up.”

“I hate guns.”

He’s not asking you to use it.

“I promised him I’d protect you. The first thing to do is to teach you how to protect yourself.”

Oh, good. So we’re not recreating dad’s final moments. Though that’s where this was going.

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“What if I shoot you by mistake?”

“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

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“Sig 226. Front sight, rear sight, hammer.”

I’ve never used a gun, but I understand what the different parts are. Are there people that out of touch that they won’t figure this out if shown a gun? I want nothing to do with guns, but I could figure one out if presented with it. Why are we watching this?

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“You just point it. You squeeze the trigger, you try not to close your eyes. Please. Try it.”

So this lesson is, “This is a gun. There are parts to it. They have names. You take it, you point it, you shoot it. And don’t be a little bitch about it.”

Great. Way to fill out two and a half hours.

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She’s very often sleeveless, I’m noticing.

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He’s sexually aroused.

“I don’t have to teach you anything, do I?”

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“A man once came to our house to kill my father. He didn’t know I was upstairs playing in my bedroom. Or that papa kept a Beretta 9mm under the sink with the bleach. That’s why I hate guns.”


I hate guns too, but that’s sexy as all hell. Wonder how much she had to practice that, or if she’s still in practice from shooting Frederick Zoller.

Not her. She was one of the daughters in the farmhouse at the beginning.

Also, this is why this scene exists. Bullshit gun lesson just so she can be shown as knowing what she’s doing and get bullshit exposition that really has no place in the movie.

This actually fits with Olga Kurylenko more than her.

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“I think we’ll skip hand to hand combat.”


Also, no sex joke here?

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They’re gonna fuck.

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I want to go on a long train ride.


This is something I’m probably going to save up for and do. Just before moving back from Japan, I tried to plan an overnight trip on one of the sleeper cars that Japan Rail still operates. And they’re pretty sweet. But it turned out that you had to book a month in advance and I messed it up. But you can still do a lot of trips around the world, even though there are way fewer than there used to be.

I’ve heard that a lot of American trips are awful because the trains aren’t taken care of and it smells like crap. But it might be good to take one of the trips in Alaska or to do a Darjeeling Limited kinda deal. Actually, I just stopped to look at what there might be and spent 20 minutes browsing luxury rail tours of India. Some of these packages are like $15,000 for a week.

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I imagine Ralph Fiennes doing this in real life. Sitting in a dimly lit room full of paintings and leather booths, sipping brown liquor. Isn’t that what we all want? This, by the way, is London’s oldest restaurant, Rules.

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And he’s been waiting for them all alone for who knows how long. Boy, are the English patient.

And here they are, to tell him how these are indeed some strange days.

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“Sorry to interrupt your supper but we have some news.”


I also like how he looks back as if someone’s gonna be tailing them.

Look at this fucking place. You could shoot Sollozzo and a cop here and get away with it.

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They’ve tracked Bond to North Africa.

Why did you cut to her when you said that?

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Kinda You Only Live Twice, with the volcano.

“Every known map registers it as empty desert.”

“Known” maps. Why not just say maps? Also, what are we seeing then? Is this now a known map?

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“We can’t help him.”

Do they even know what he’s doing? Wasn’t he rogue up until like three days ago? Did you all of a sudden realize that there’s evil shit going on?

“But sir, we know where he’s heading.”

Couldn’t you have helped him before that? I don’t see how that changed anything he said.

“C is watching everything we do. We’re only handing them more information.”


“C’s being…well, a C-word.”

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“Sir, we can’t just desert Bond.”

You’re not deserting him. Technically you were never there with him.

“We have to. We only make him weaker.”

If they can track him, so can others.

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“Delete all the smart blood files. Everything. He’s on his own.”


You delete the smart blood files, so now it’s just junk floating around in his veins, probably giving him cancer.

Please, all those martinis will flush that shit out in three months.

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Well, you guys can get dinner now, I guess.

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This shot. This is a gorgeous shot, and it also sort of reminds me of the Quantum credit sequence.

For those who really like this shot and don’t know movies, there’s a movie that exists called Lawrence of Arabia. You probably won’t be disappointed.

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The dining car is probably what made me so skeptical about this train. It’s one thing that it exists, but to expect us to believe that there are multiple couples in fancy evening wear on this jaunt across the desert in a train is going a bit too far. I’d buy it if it was Bond and Madeleine plus a few fat tourists in cargo shorts.

White tux. Colin knows better than I do. What? Goldfinger? Others?


Well, it’s basically the Goldfinger (and by parody, Temple of Doom) tux, but with a few key changes. First of all, it’s not the 60s, so the shirt isn’t satin and there are two buttons on the jacket instead of one. This ain’t the Don Draper look. It is a peak lapel, his tie is black, and there’s a red carnation on the left side. All that matches.

But beyond the Bond connection, this is also something of a callback to Casablanca, in which Bogart wore a white tux jacket with a shawl lapel and a black tie. And we’re in Morocco. The costume designer said she was thinking Bond and Bogart, so this is a pretty perfect choice.

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Casino Royale. To get it out of the way.

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Most guys don’t stand up for a lady anymore. I’d stand up for that. I’m standing up for that right now.

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“You shouldn’t stare.”

He kills people.

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“Well you shouldn’t look like that.”

Solid response.


She’s changed her tune. “Oh, word? You think I’m hot? I’m good with that. Anyway, dinner. What looks good?”

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“May I get you an aperitif?”

“I’m not sure. It gets me into trouble. Makes me do crazy things.”

Like pass out in a hotel room while an assassin searches for your father’s secret room?

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“Well we can’t have that.”

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“So I’ll have a vodka martini. Dirty.”

Gimme a little bit of dat brine.


I like this. Formal attire, flirting over cocktails – this is why we like Bond. There can be violence AND this.

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“Make that two.”


He’s having a dirty martini, which means he’s starting to compromise for her already. I feel like these are mostly things that you have to get a taste for, actively. Of course he likes this kind of liquor, but is she the type to sit at home drinking stuff like this bit by bit so she can go out and look cool? Bond girls can’t order appletinis.

Nobody should order appletinis.

Also, just going to say this — women, if your drink is a vodka cranberry, we have nothing to talk about.

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“I have a question.”

“What’s that?”

“Why, given every other possible option, does a man choose the life of a paid assassin?”

It pays.

Also, “every other possible option”? He’s an orphan. And he wasn’t given powers.

“Well, it was either that or the priesthood.”

“I’m serious. Is this really what you want? Living in the shadows. Hunting, being hunted. Always looking behind you.”

It’s funny because Hinx is about to come from behind him in a second.

Also, this scene is so obvious it falls flat.

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“Always alone.”

“But I’m not alone.”

“Answer the question.”

“I’m not sure I ever had a choice.”

This is supposed to be Bond and Vesper but it’s not nearly as good. They don’t have the chemistry.

“Anyway, I don’t stop to think about it.”

“What would happen if you did?”

Then he would think about it.

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Butt stuff.



“I don’t know.”

Riveting dialogue.

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Framing booze.

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“You know I think you’re wrong.”

“I am?”

“We always have a choice.”


Skewered? Oh, we aren’t there yet.

We’re never gonna get there.

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“I’ll drink to that.”

What won’t you drink to?


Oh, you’d drink to…pick a thing.

He’s drinking to having a choice. As he subtly lowers her ability to make a choice an hour from now.

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Reflection of a bad guy coming! Goldfinger opening sequence!

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What this tells me is that alcohol saves lives.

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Goddamn, man, that was alcohol!

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She probably should have seen him coming, rather than Bond having to catch it in the reflection. She’s met Hinx before.

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What is everyone else in this car doing?

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So are there no stewards to try to intervene?

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All of a sudden, everyone’s gone. They were all just here a few minutes ago, so I’m not sure what happened there.

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Goddamn, Hinx!



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And now she’s out of the scene.

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Clearly meant to be the Red Grant fight in From Russia with Love. In case that wasn’t obvious.


I love a fight on an overnight train. From Russia With Love is so clearly the best Bond movie. The Spy Who Loved Me is also good.

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Strange how no one gives a shit this is happening.

How do they respond to people showing up? We’ll never know.

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He eats those.

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This is like watching the later Mike Tyson fights.


I like that Dave Bautista is basically Daniel Craig from Casino Royale. He was so impossibly ripped in that movie.

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These are the part of these films we basically stop having things to say.

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Well, I guess that’s a choice.

Also, who is this person in the background?

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I like that he doesn’t care that he’s on fire.

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This is just destruction. And I would not be that nonchalant at my jacket on fire. An on-fire jacket is my idea of a pause button.

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More stabbing people with ice picks.

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This is great. He just nopes the hell out and runs into the kitchen. “That ice pick did nothing, but maybe this pot of string beans’ll stop him.”

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Fuck you, string beans!

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Love the look of annoyance on his face.


“Argh! I detest string beans!”

Collared greens or GTFO

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That’s the face you make holding a shiv in the prison yard.

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This fight isn’t going super well.

For us or Bond.

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Damn, getting ready to throw him off like he’s a hobo.

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How or when did Hinx get on the train? Was he just waiting until Bond was at dinner? Because that train never stopped at any point we were watching. So either he boarded it in the middle of nowhere while it was moving, or he was on the train and waiting for that exact moment to strike.

What happened to people putting spiders into the room while they’re sleeping?

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So, the whole dining car and all of its staff were cleared out, and now there’s gunfire…who’s driving this train? Is it under SPECTRE control? No, because it continues and they get off later, so…who’s driving this train who never seems to care about the gunfire and doesn’t notice all the missing staff and passengers?

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Or maybe wait there with the gun, because you know where he is.

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She says she hates guns, presumably never having used them since she was a kid, yet she sure looks like she’s had some training with them.

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I’d have trouble popping out from behind cardboard boxes. This dude just exploded out of wooden crates. Props to the crate explosion.

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If you ever wondered what it sounds like when your love interest hits a metal wall.

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Barrels. Just like Jaws.

Oh, wait…


Wait, those are kegs! You’re gonna need those!

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That line was ADR’d. It doesn’t match his lips. Which is exactly why I had trouble deciphering what he was saying in the theater. It looks like ‘shit.’ It sounds like a cross between ‘shit’ and ‘shoot.’


GREAT line. He’s silent like Jaws, but he knows what’s going on. Also, that must be death, to be snapped by the neck like that.

But it’s confusing, because he survived a crazy car crash and explosion before. So we’re not really quite sure.

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I guess that kills him, because we never see him again.

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“What do we do now?”

She asks, just begging for the editor to finish the joke.


BETTER line. They know what we want, and they give it to us.

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Hey, we almost just died, we just broke this train in half and caused thousands of dirhams worth of damage, let’s fuck!

Weird how no one on the train is questioning them about that and are just gonna let them do this.



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Also, here’s your theme song in the score. I’m pretty sure after this something else is gonna be on the wall.

Semen. Is what I’m getting at.

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Though, I’m remembering that he only had one sip of that martini before Hinx showed up. Barely any drinking in this movie.

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This is really awkward. Like two inexperienced teenagers.

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Everyone wants Moroccan train sex.

Moroccan Train Sex is the name of my band.

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She looks like she’s 16 here. And it’s unsettling.


Not to a Japanese audience.

Glass on the field.

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Nice musical cut.

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Ah, Bolivia.


Bolivia. You know you’re thinking it.

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“This might be a long wait.”

What exactly are you waiting for?

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“Are you having second thoughts?”

“Too late now.”

That doesn’t answer the question.

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Is the plan to just hang out here? Desert quickie?

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What is that tie made of?


It’s a knit tie. If I found the right one in the Tom Ford catalogue, it’s Mulberry silk. $250. Also just noticed that he doesn’t have a pocket square for this outfit, which is different.

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Why would you wear white in the desert?


Isn’t her real last name actually White? Or was his a code name? And isn’t white the coolest color? I thought it was good to wear white in a desert.

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“What’s that?”

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Well that’s not a suspicious pose at all.

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“That is a 1948 Rolls Royce Silver Wraith.”

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That looks like the car they picked up Michael in after he killed Sollozzo.


This is a slightly older version of the same model that Kerim Bey had in From Russia With Love. Dudley Moore also had one of these in Arthur. Not sure what the car was in The Godfather but I don’t think it was a Rolls. They were just Caddys and Packards and stuff in that. But I could be wrong.

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That’s… racist.


I want to know how this guy got that job.

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Look at me. I am the chauffeur now.


That line. That. Line.

People don’t realize we basically write these articles for each other.

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More shots of vehicles traveling through vast expanses of open landscape.

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“I’m scared, James.”

Too late now.

Also what the fuck have you to be scared about? A dude just tried to murder you on a train. And a nice car ride and being invited to champagne is what scares you?

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Also, you’re a bit ashy there.

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What, was this supposed to be him opening up or something? This relationship does not work at all.

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This is kind of a letdown, as lairs go.


If you have to have a desert lair, let it be a crater lair. And mostly underground.

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What’s the water bill like here?

Also, this reminds me of that place in Minas Tirith. You know, where steward boy ran off of on fire.

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Oh good. I was worried there’d be dummies and they were gonna drop a hydrogen bomb on this place and Bond was gonna hide in a fridge.

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Better wash that car, like NOW.

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“Good afternoon Mr. Bond, Dr. Swann. I want you to know how excited we all are to finally meet you.”

I guess there’s some subtlety in that line. As if they were just watching them all before this.

“Well, it’s a pleasure to be here.”

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“Your host invites you both to rest, relax and join him for drinks at four.”

“Tell our host we won’t be late.”


Showing up at the bad guy’s place with a hot woman and being invited to dine – straight out of Dr. No. If you’re a Bond person, you can accurately predict how this goes: stylish quarters with doors that lock from the outside, perhaps a tour, some socializing, and a confrontation. 

Indeed. However “our host”? Just fucking say his name. We all know who it is.

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Just one more thing, Columbo.



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Seriously, it’s not like this is a huge place, and it’s super hot here. So he’s probably like, “Do I REALLY have to wear this every day?” And they’re like, “Yes, Adam, check your contract. What a dick, right?”

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“You be careful with that.”

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Is that the only brown person we’ve seen in the movie so far, outside of Moneypenny and the South Africans? Out of focus, in the background?

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If designing villain lairs was a real job I’d be in architecture school right the hell now.

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He looks so tired and bored with this franchise.

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Doctor John Holliday.

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There are clothes laid out for them, too. Her dress is sleeveless – I wonder if that’s also a Dr. No callback.

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Is this supposed to be psychological? And it worked?

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The desert also feels a lot like Diamonds Are Forever, but at this point Bond’s been everywhere. Everywhere but Tulsa.

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“This is a very special place.”

Looks like the Goldfinger satellite.

“He has requested you enter it alone.”


Keeping with the Craig era’s trend of weirdo European assistants.

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“Perhaps later.”


This poor jerk had to dress up, pour champagne and hold it there in the baking heat for two randos who then decided they didn’t want it. That’s when you quit.

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About the only reference they could get in there.


Little trivia for you – that’s the meteor from Joe Dirt.

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I wanna get drunk and go to the planetarium.

That’s pretty much everything I aspire to do.


Like, think of a better day than that. You get drunk, then go to a planetarium and witness the cosmos. The only way that gets better is if it’s a premium planetarium and they serve booze there. You guys remember that game, The Magic School Bus Explores the Solar System?

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“I see we’re meant to be impressed.”

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“Touch it. You can touch it if you want.”

That’s how all of my drinks meetings start.


More conversations should begin this way.

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“Do you know what it is?”

An angry rock shit?

“It’s a meteorite.”

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“The Kartenhoff, the oldest in human possession. The very meteorite which made this crater.”

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“Think about it: so many years up there, alone, silent. Building momentum until it chose to make its mark on Earth.”

This is a metaphor, you see.

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“A huge unstoppable force.”

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“Except it did stop, didn’t it?”

He loves cutting through metaphors.

“Right here.”

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“I can’t tell you how much I’ve been looking forward to this. All of us here together. A reunion.”

What a standard Bond-villain progression. Metaphors, sarcastic remark, this.


This is a vaguely Dr. No outfit, too. Blofeld did the dark mandarin collar coat in OHMSS but Dr. No wore it exclusively. I think this is really just the Savalas callback, but this whole ensemble is way more Asian than his was.

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“I’m so glad you came too, dear Madeline. You were just a girl when I saw you first. I came to your home once, to see your father.”


I love Christoph Waltz. I’d love him to make some comment about how he was the one who put her through school.

This is making it seem like he’s the one she shot.

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“I don’t remember that.”

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“But I do.”

That’s not creepy at all.

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Was there a time lock on that? Did they know how long this was gonna take?

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“What is this place?”


This shot is sorta Skyfall, as they’re walking into Silva’s lair.

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Nehru jacket.



Bond gets to be chill here. “You know how many lair tours I’ve had at this point? I got an offer to write a column for Lairs Quarterly as a side gig. That’d be like…well, it’d be exactly four pieces a year. Point is, your lair doesn’t astound me.”

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“Information is all.”

Weird cut.

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“For example, you must know by now that the double-o program is officially dead.”

Gee, I wonder if C is a bad guy.

“Which leads me to speculate exactly why you came.”


Christoph Waltz is a genius at doing dialogue in scenes that can end in someone’s death.

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“So James, why did you come?”

The answer is, “I was finished.”

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“I came here to kill you.”

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“And I thought you came here to die.”

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“Well it’s all a matter of perspective.”

That’s about as witty as he gets in this movie.

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“Speaking of perspective…”

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What are the benefits of a job like this?


I’m pretty sure this is a direct callback to Drax’s base of operations in Moonraker. Look at the setup.

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“Is this live?”

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“The French have a saying. It’s the fate of glass to break. Well, maybe it’s the fate of spies to just disappear. But with any luck, we leave something behind.”


Why are they all clapping at their own layoff party?

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He seems to care about the people and the job he’s been ignoring for months now.

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The glances are great.

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“That’s touching. Don’t you think?”

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“Well, James, it looks like you’re all alone.”

“Not much more than a voyeur, are you? Too scared to join in?”

“I don’t think you quite understand.”

“No I think I do. You set cities on fire and watch innocent people burn so you can convince governments to join an intelligence network you paid for. Not that complicated.”


Someone had to make everything that’s on all of those screens, and sometimes I think I’m the only one who looks at them all individually. Most of the time (I’m looking your way, Marvel), large operations rooms full of computers look ridiculous when you look at computer screens one at a time.

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“I’m guessing your little friend C, he’s one of your disciples.”

Tomorrow Never Dies.

“You could say that.”


None of these people have families, I guess. I hope their benefits are good. This place probably has a movie theater, huh?

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“And what does he get out of it?”

“Nothing. He’s a visionary like me.”

“Visionaries. Psychiatric wards are full of them.”

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“Whereas you couldn’t see what’s right in front of you. You came across me so many times and yet you never saw me. Le Chiffre, Greene, Silva.”


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“All dead.”

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“That’s right. A nice pattern developed. You interfered in my world, I destroyed yours. Or did you think it was a coincidence all the women in your life ended up dead?”


Debatable. He destroyed a lot of James’ life, but he still hasn’t killed him.

Also, Olga is still alive.

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“Vesper Lynd, for example. She was the big one. Has he told you about her?”

He hasn’t, and then you don’t. So… what are we doing here?

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“And then of course, your beloved M.”

The… other one.

Spectre - 1438

“Gone forever.”


That must hurt, to hear that all the other chicks he banged (and Judi) ended up dead. Ah, Judi. The one that got away…to the cemetery.

Spectre - 1439

“Me. It was all me, James. It’s always been me. The author of all your pain.”

Spectre - 1440

“You’re a brave woman, my dear.”

Spectre - 1441

Spectre - 1442

“Now I understand why my father lost his mind.”

Spectre - 1443

“He didn’t lose his mind, he was just weak. But at least he understood what he was up against. You see, they fail to comprehend the crucial fact that a terrible event can lead to something wonderful.”

Spectre - 1444

”Since you mention your father, I’ll show you.”

Spectre - 1445

Spectre - 1446

Spectre - 1447

Spectre - 1448

“No, no, no, no, turn this off.”

Why would he listen to you?

Also, what exactly is so wrong about this?

Spectre - 1449

Also, is he saying that her father’s death led to something wonderful because now she’s going to fuck James Bond?

Spectre - 1450

“This is important.”

Spectre - 1451

“I said turn it off!”

Spectre - 1452


Spectre - 1453

Well now don’t you feel like an asshole.

Spectre - 1454

“I want you to understand something.”

Spectre - 1455

“Madeline, look at me.”

I am the Blofeld now.

Spectre - 1456

“Don’t look at him, Madeline. Look at me.”

This is that scene where the two sides try to call the puppy to come to them.


Does he not want her to see it because it’s when her dad shoots himself? She has no reason to be upset with what’s said, because Bond was pretty up front about that.

Spectre - 1457

I’m so very confused as to what exactly is happening here. This is the third or fourth time I’ve seen this and I still can’t make heads or tails of it.

Spectre - 1458

Good time for the “kite dancing in a hurricane” line to come back.

What if he called him a kike dancing in a hurricane?

Good tagline for Gentleman’s Agreement.

Spectre - 1459

“The things that bring people together. Out of horror, beauty.”


Is this where Christoph Waltz brings the blue shit but also makes her wait for the cream?

Spectre - 1460

Spectre - 1461

Spectre - 1462

And that’s the end of the movie!

Spectre - 1463

We’ve all been there.


This washed out, overexposed filter is just like Casino Royale. Blurry, too. But if we’re fair, this isn’t nearly the first time this sort of thing has happened to James. This was every morning for those few months in Turkey at the beginning of Skyfall.

Spectre - 1464

Spectre - 1465

These fuckin’ iguanas.


Note to self: get a gecko.

Spectre - 1466

Spectre - 1467

They could have played like he wasn’t Blofeld until this point. Maybe the Nehru jacket was just a coincidence. But this is the real point where you know who he is, and you know what’s coming. And that makes it exciting. Because the rest of the scene… not that interesting.

Spectre - 1468

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.

Spectre - 1469

Spectre - 1470

Blofeld doesn’t wear socks.

“James and I were both present recently when a man was deprived of his eyes. And the most astonishing thing happened. Didn’t you notice?”


I like that the woman is never tied up. They know she ain’t going anywhere.

Spectre - 1471

Reaction shots.

Also, what’s with the camel toe he’s got going on?

Spectre - 1472

“He wasn’t there anymore. He’d gone even though he was still alive.”

Well, he died like three seconds after that.

“So this brief moment when between life and death there was nobody inside there was nobody inside his skull.”


This is one of the most chilling moments of dialogue in Bond history and it’s sinister and terrifying and I hope you all appreciate that despite all of this movie’s foibles, there are moments like this to make up for them.

Spectre - 1473

That face.

“Most odd.”

Spectre - 1474

“So James. I’m going to penetrate—”

Great thing to say while that machine is doing its thing.

“Into where you are. To the inside of your head.”


Christoph Waltz Made A Date Rape Machine

Spectre - 1475

Oh hey, the one gadget we got!

How has that not accidentally been triggered before this?

Spectre - 1476

“The first probe will play with your sight, your hearing and your balance. Just with the subtlest of manipulations.”


This is kind of a fascinating brand of torture. There’s something about Bond that makes you feel like death would be okay, but it would be totally unacceptable for him to be handicapped or incapacitated in any way. Blind Bond doesn’t work. Stumbly Bond doesn’t work. Gimpy Bond definitely doesn’t work.

Spectre - 1477

“Oh, get on with it, then. Nothing can be as painful as listening to you talk.”

Spectre - 1478

“All right. Let’s begin.”

I kinda like that. “Okay, don’t want me to monologue? Fuck you.”

Spectre - 1479

Spectre - 1480

Spectre - 1481

Spectre - 1482

Spectre - 1483

Maybe now isn’t the best time to look at her tits, cameraman.


But why not, though?

Spectre - 1484

Or up her skirt.


But why not, though?

Spectre - 1485

Spectre - 1486

So he’s just gonna get a drill in his skull and be totally fine in about three minutes. Just gonna throw that out there now.


So what’d that do, exactly? Can he not taste caviar now, or something like that?

Spectre - 1487

Spectre - 1488

Spectre - 1489

Spectre - 1490

Nice little blood drop.

Spectre - 1491

Now would be a good time for a sarcastic comment.

You got a fuckin’ drill hole in your neck.

Spectre - 1492

“Why are you doing this?”

Because he can.

Spectre - 1493

Spectre - 1494

Spectre - 1495

“You probably know that James here lost his parents when he was young. But did you know that it was my father that helped him through this difficult time?”


This goes too far. I don’t like this inclusion of random family ties, or that Bond happens to be the best secret agent in the world who grew up with the greatest supervillain in the world. That’s not a bingo.

Spectre - 1496

“Over the course of two winters, he taught him to ski, to climb, and hunt. He soothed the wounds of the poor little blue-eyed orphan.”

Orphans shouldn’t be given powers. Being given licenses to kill – negotiable.

Spectre - 1497

“Asked me to treat him as a brother. My little brother. They formed quite an attachment.”

Spectre - 1498

“So, you killed him.”

Rather than killing the outsider.

Never really explained why he was a little psycho. Just… was.

Spectre - 1499

“Yes I did.”

That face.

Spectre - 1500

“You know what happens when a cuckoo hatches inside another bird’s nest?”


Watches are cool, and I always tell myself I’m going to get into them, but the only ones I want are like $6,000 and at that point you start thinking about what else you can get. Like, I’d wear a Dora the Explorer watch if I could spend the other $5,995 on a decent Porsche 944.

Spectre - 1501

“Yes, it forces the other eggs out.”

“Yes. This cuckoo made me realize my father’s life had to end.”



She’s knowledgeable about cuckoos, probably because she reads Birding Quarterly. I heard about the cuckoo thing on an etymology podcast, of all places, because this whole thing about forcing the other eggs out and forcing parents to raise a child that isn’t theirs is the origin of ‘cuckold.’

Spectre - 1502

“In a way, he’s responsible for the path I took. So thank you, cuckoo.”


I want gifs and sound clips of everything Christoph Waltz has ever said. I bet he could make ordering a panini sound sinister.

Spectre - 1503

Spectre - 1504

Spectre - 1505

“Do you know any other bird calls, Franz?”

Spectre - 1506

And here’s when you know it’s coming.

Spectre - 1507

Hello, pussy.


Sup, Pussy?

Spectre - 1508

“Hello, pussy.”

Oh, that’s right! He says it!

Goldfinger again.

Spectre - 1509

“Franz Oberhauser died twenty years ago, James. In an avalanche alongside his father.”

Spectre - 1510

“The man you’re talking to now, the man inside your head—”

Spectre - 1511

“Is Ernst Stavro Blofeld.”

“Catchy name.”

“My mother’s bloodline.”

Spectre - 1512

“If the needle finds the correct spot in the fusiform gyrus, you’ll recognize no one. Of course the faces of your women are interchangeable, aren’t they, James?”


Oh, so I guess they covered this. He says, “If the needle finds the right spot.” So we’re led to believe that he gives it a try and the needle doesn’t get the right spot this first go.

Spectre - 1513

That’s an interesting reaction there.

“You won’t know who she is. Just another passing face on your way to the grave.”


Still, a pretty perfect torture for him, when you think about it. He’ll be eternally alone, like the guy on Arrested Development with face blindness.

Spectre - 1514

Kiss that pussy.

Spectre - 1515

“He dies not knowing who you are.”

That’s fine. What could she possibly mean to him?

Spectre - 1516

“The daughter of an assassin. The only one who could have understood him. Shame.”

The only one? Really?


That looks like a terrible jacket for a cat owner.

Does the cat die in the fire? I feel like no one’s asked that question.


We’re all thinking it.

Spectre - 1517

Spectre - 1518

Gee, is that an Omega?

Spectre - 1519


Spectre - 1520

Spectre - 1521

Spectre - 1522

Spectre - 1523

Spectre - 1524

Spectre - 1525

“I love you.”

Did anyone else laugh out loud the first time they heard this? Because I did.



“I love you.” “That’s cool. Who you is?”

The way you know he’s still okay is if she says “I love you” and he says “Get the fuck out of my apartment right now.”

Spectre - 1526

Spectre - 1527

Spectre - 1528

“Do those blue eyes still recognize you?”

Spectre - 1529

If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be White.

Spectre - 1530

“I’d recognize you anywhere.”


That’s exactly what he’d say if he didn’t recognize her anymore.

And wait for her to fill in her name.

Spectre - 1531

Yeah, yeah, fine. “I love you”? What the fuck? Where in the chemistry has that even been hinted at? Because he grabbed her hand once?

Spectre - 1532

“The watch.”

Spectre - 1533

Spectre - 1534

Spectre - 1535

Spectre - 1536

“One minute.”

Spectre - 1537

Spectre - 1538

“Did he say something?”

“Tempus fugit.”


Tempus fugit, bitches. I think the first instance of Latin in Bond was before meeting Blofeld in OHMSS, when the genealogist shows Bond his family crest. Orbis non suficit – of course you all know what that means.

“Bitches Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks.”

Spectre - 1539


Spectre - 1540

“Tempus fugit.”

Spectre - 1541

Spectre - 1542

“I said – doesn’t time fly?”

Spectre - 1543

Spectre - 1544

Spectre - 1545

That’s a great face for someone about to get blowed up.

Spectre - 1546

Spectre - 1547

Wanna know how he got that scar?

Spectre - 1548

Spectre - 1549


Oh wow, they kinda put the scar in here.

Spectre - 1550

Sure, that just happened to unlock.

Spectre - 1551

Spectre - 1552

What, so that’s the only balance issues you’re having?


I guess he drilled into Bond’s brain stem and did…zero damage. I credit alcohol. A lot.

Spectre - 1553

Stop this.

Spectre - 1554

You left your gun.


You changed your sherrrt, Mr. Bond.

Spectre - 1555

Spectre - 1556

A HA HA HA HA that guy’s a putz.

Spectre - 1557

Spectre - 1558

Spectre - 1559

Spectre - 1560

I love how he just hits people from a hundred yards away.


Seriously though, he just had a drill in his brain stem and he took out those two guys with two bullets each. Remember in the last movie, when he couldn’t hit the target he was walking towards at close range?

Spectre - 1561

Spectre - 1562

Spectre - 1563

Spectre - 1564

Spectre - 1565

He knows when to get a new weapon.

Spectre - 1566

Also, total Quantum.

Spectre - 1567

Spectre - 1568

Spectre - 1569

Spectre - 1570

Are these looks supposed to mean something?

Spectre - 1571

Spectre - 1572

Spectre - 1573


Explosion, and then the score changes. Good score on this one.

Spectre - 1574

Spectre - 1575

Spectre - 1576

Spectre - 1577

Spectre - 1578


Henchmen on an ATV? That’s asking for it. Four wheels, no brains.

Spectre - 1579

Spectre - 1580

Spectre - 1581

These shots are spectacular.


I swear you can’t be that good in a Bond video game with auto aim on.

Spectre - 1582

Spectre - 1583

Spectre - 1584

Spectre - 1585

Spectre - 1586


JESUS. And he doesn’t stop to teabag ANY of them.

Spectre - 1587

Spectre - 1588

“Let’s go home.”

Spectre - 1589

Spectre - 1590

Spectre - 1591

Spectre - 1592

Spectre - 1593

That’ll show up on a map.


Also, that meteorite is fucked.

Spectre - 1594

Spectre - 1595

So all those people and computers are dead now.

Spectre - 1596


And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the largest explosion in the history of movies. They got into the Guinness Book for that one.

Spectre - 1597

“It’s not over yet.”

They could have left the “go home” line as the end, but we have a whole act to go, so they added this one.

Spectre - 1598

Spectre - 1599

Spectre - 1600

What’s the flight time from here to London? Can you do it all without refueling?

Spectre - 1601

Spectre - 1602

Also why it’s not over. Those two cars driving away down there.

Spectre - 1603

But Part IV is over.

– – – – – – – – –

See the other parts here:

Spectre, Part I

Spectre, Part II

Spectre Part III

Spectre Part V


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