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The Unforgivable Films of 2016

You know how the Razzie Awards are given out the day before the Oscars? Well, on this site, the day before I list my favorite films of the year, we have the Unforgivables.

What does it mean to call a film Unforgivable? For me, it’s not just that the film was bad. In fact, the film might have even been perfectly entertaining or even liked by a lot of people. It’s the fact that the film is so unholy and so despicable to you personally that it actually makes you angry that it exists as you watch it. That’s the only criterion. It’s not about quality. It’s about, “I fucking hated this movie and now let me tell you how mad I am.”

This list began in 2010, when I watched the movie The Switch (the one with Jason Bateman, Jennifer Aniston and the jizz cup) on an unassuming Thursday night in August. I got about fifty minutes into the film before I physically had to stop watching it in order to write to all my friends and tell them why they shouldn’t see the movie. And it was funny. Because nothing is more amusing than an unbridled spew of invective. So I posted it here, and a tradition was born.

This will be the seventh time I have posted an Unforgivables list, and I have become exceedingly efficient at it.

Previous “winners,” aside from The Switch, have been Just Go With It, Big Miracle, Identity Thief, Heaven Is For Real and Vacation.

The rules for the Unforgivables list are singular: in order to be considered Unforgivable, the movie must make me angry as I watch it. I could have enjoyed the movie just fine. This is not a list of what I consider the ‘worst” movies of the year, just a list of the ones that pissed me off the most.

It doesn’t have to be emotional anger. It can be an intellectual anger. I could get mad at how a film is such a derivative piece of shit that plays of the notion that if you throw enough money and CGI at a movie, an audience will go see it just because. I could get mad at the fact that an actor or a franchise or a genre has gotten so lazy that they’re not even trying anymore. I could just hate the fucking thing. It doesn’t matter if I gave a movie 4 stars or 0 stars. If it made me angry, it qualifies. It’s not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.

The other two guidelines I use are: 1) movies we knew were gonna be shitty all along don’t automatically count, and 2) no sequels.

I don’t call them rules because I break them all the time if need be. I had The Amazing Spider-Man 2 and Dumb and Dumber To on my Unforgivables list two years ago. There were other factors there that overrode the fact that they were sequels.

The other guideline, however, about movies we knew would be terrible going in, I do try to adhere to. Because we all knew what we were getting with Gods of Egypt. Automatically putting that on your list of the worst films of the year is neither interesting nor is it being honest. You’re simply going along with what “the narrative” thought was one of the biggest pieces of shit of the year. You don’t honestly feel that way. (Plus, I don’t think Gods of Egypt was all that bad. Wasn’t great, but it certainly didn’t make me angry. Disappointed for all that money they wasted, but not angry.)

Put it this way — if you hold out hope that something “could” be good even though it looks terrible, that counts. My guideline only applies to those “come on, buddy” movies that you knew from the jump would be shitty. Like Seventh Son, I Frankenstein, Gods of Egypt. You knew what you were getting there. Other movies, you held out hope. Like Tarzan. “It looks terrible, but maybe?” That kind of movie is exactly what this list was made for.

I’ve gotten a lot more mellow over the past five years. I’m much more willing to let a terrible movie go off into the wilderness quietly rather than chase after it, firing buckshot at it. The angry ranting certainly isn’t going to be as spirited as it was back in the early days. Back then it was all about how much I hated the movie. Now the things that make me angry are much more systemic.

Last year, Pixels made the list because it represented lazy filmmaking that was done for all the wrong reasons. Fantastic Four made the list because something like that shouldn’t have been allowed to happen, given everything they had to work with. Those are the things that make me angry now. But you can always count on the old standbys: terrible comedies made by stars trying to skate on the formulas that worked for them fifteen years ago (Adam Sandler, Reese Witherspoon, Cameron Diaz), movies that do stupid world-building shit in place of a plot (basically any blockbuster nowadays), the token film that no one’s ever heard of that made me irrationally mad (Little Boy, Ass Backwards, LOL), and Melissa McCarthy movies.

This year, we had no shortage of contenders. The entire summer was just a minefield of one disaster after another. Every single sequel that came out either underperformed quality-wise or at the box office (or both) or was something or looked like a giant piece of shit going in.

Most years, I try to play my cards close to the vest and not tip off what will or won’t be Unforgivable, because I do like to surprise people by not shitting on certain movies that seem like surefire choices while also including a film or two that you wouldn’t think at all would have made me angry. But this year it seems like it’s all about, “What am I gonna choose given this entire smorgasbord of options?”

From the franchise pool alone, I could make legitimate cases that Batman v. Superman, Civil War, Ninja Turtles, Star Trek and X-Men all belong on this list. And that’s before we get into the pseudo-franchises like Alice Through the Looking Glass, Ghostbusters, The Huntsman, Independence Day, Tarzan and Warcraft. I haven’t even gotten into the under $100 million crowd yet and I already have more than a full potential list here. Now the question becomes — which of these do you think made me really angry enough to put them here?

Well, I’ll tell you…

Here are my Unforgivable films of 2016:

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10. Suicide Squad

This one hurt. Surely, if anyone could salvage the disaster that was the D.C. Universe, it was David Ayer, right? Well, turns out, once you’re in the machine, not even someone with unique sensibilities can come out unscathed. Especially with an outfit as fucked up as this one. Holy shit, did this movie do everything wrong in the end.

If there was a cinematic equivalent of the word “compromise” this is it. It felt like everyone was attacking this from a different angle, and every hand and opinion that went into it only served to make it even more fucked up and misshapen and misguided. David Ayer put a visual stamp on it, that’s for sure. Then you had the stars. The minute Will Smith and Margot Robbie signed on, their characters became the focus of a movie that wasn’t supposed to feature those two characters as the leads. So now the team became Deadshot and Harley and everyone else. Then DC/Warners clearly exerted influence over it, controlling the story. Which is why what started out as “the Dirty Dozen with Superheroes” became “generic superhero plot #7, except everyone has tattoos.” And it’s clear the specter of the Batman v. Superman disaster is hanging over this, because due to that they deliberately tried to infuse “humor” in order to counteract a supposed “dark” tone. Throw all that together and you have a gumbo pot of disaster.

Ignoring the so-on-the-nose-it-might-as-well-be-a-Robert-Zemeckis-movie soundtrack choices, the opening two scenes of this movie introduce Deadshot and Harley Quinn. Why? Because Will Smith and Margot Robbie play them, and for no other reason. They’re not even good scenes, nor do they introduce us to the characters. It’s clear those scenes were meant to happen later and were brought up to make those two the “stars” of a movie where the purpose is for it to be an ensemble. Then the third scene is Viola Davis, which is the character equivalent of cutting across the 180 degree line — why do we go from “bad,” “bad” to “good”? This isn’t a three-hander of a movie. It makes no goddamn sense. And nobody has any idea what the fuck it’s supposed to be about. Where’s the context? You give us three scenes and introduce three characters and none of it really has anything to do with your movie. They’re there for external reasons, making your actual story secondary or even tertiary to the movie. How can you succeed with that kind of arbitrariness?

Then you have a scene where Viola Davis sits down and says she’s assembled a team. Why? No one knows. Because there’s metahumans. Okay. But why these people? It’s still never really explained. I can put a rational explanation on it, but that’s your job, not mine. We get introductions of the characters, which is fine. Though Will Smith’s seems compromised by a clear desire for his character to be redeemable (dad kills people for a living, but not Batman? Fuck that, kill Batman. She’ll get over it. Next time she needs school clothes money, she’ll remember why you did it), Margot Robbie’s is completely cut out (why would you not give her and the Joker more screen time?), not to mention that weird fucking scene with Common that makes no goddamn sense whatsoever. Then they go through the other characters and are like, “Ehh.” All I know about Boomerang is — Australian, and…? Diablo can start fires. Killer Croc is pretty much just a crocodile. And then Scarlet Witch, I mean Enchantress, another one in a long line of stupid white archaeologists who can’t help but open the creepy artifact. And Colonel Flag, who is there because he’s fucking the witch and has a wonky accent. And the rest… ehh, who gives a shit, we’ll deal with them later.

The whole thing is set up in a quick and stupid way, without any real backstories or reasons to root for the characters at all. I found myself wondering why they were even bothering for so much of it, and the one time I found myself engaged was when they all went to get drinks and we got some backstory. Why not put all that in the first act?

There are so many questions I could ask about why they did certain things or why they cut such corners on such big pieces of the plot. (Why would you leave the witch’s brother sitting on a goddamn shelf for her to just open? Why did you set all this crap up to just go for a standard “big blue cloud in the sky sucking things up into another dimension with generic CGI bad guys to kill” ending? What the fuck is Jared Leto doing? And so on and so on.)

There’s such interesting material here, and they waste ALL of it. How seriously fucked up would it have been if we didn’t know what the threat was for much of the movie and it was about these people having to learn how to be a team? You know, like the actual Dirty Dozen? The mission in The Dirty Dozen doesn’t happen until the last half hour. Imagine them going through this city, facing increasingly difficult (and stranger) threats, having to figure shit out as they go along, not die, keep the guys they want to kill alive and go complete an objective they aren’t even told about? How much better a reveal would it have been if it was set up properly and then you found out the entire purpose of them going in was to get Waller out and they weren’t even supposed to stop the threat? And then they actually go and stop it anyway, even though they were meant to go in and die. But don’t worry, I’m sure this way worked out better.

Can anyone really tell me what happened in the last hour of this movie? At all? It’s fucking chaos, makes no sense. The Joker is sold as the main attraction and he gets about ten minutes of screen time and disappears with about an hour to go in the movie. The generic CGI bad guys they are able to murder are actual possessed humans. So they’re basically just murdering civilians in this movie. Oh, and at least two of the big laughs the movie gets are about violence against women. And on top of all of that, they still haven’t lightened up the tone. Why so serious, DC? Why not focus on telling a goddamn good story first and then going from there, huh?

I thought this would salvage whatever the fuck Batman v. Superman was. This just made it worse. DC still has no idea how to build a universe, and are fucking it up every single step of the way with every chance they get. And now they’re gonna double down and fuck up the only good thing they had going for them according to the fan base (Wonder Woman). I don’t think I can take another eight movies of something this badly fucked up from the start.

This universe has my permission to die.

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9. Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates

This is my annual entry lamenting the state of film comedy. I hate everything about this movie, from the “bro” mentality right down to the assembly line raunchy comedy storyline that hits every cliche button along the way.

I’m in the unique/weird position of hearing the word of mouth about these movies before they even come out. So all throughout the process of this movie being made and released, I heard how this was one of the “best” scripts floating around town and how the movie was hilarious and how it was gonna be the best comedy of the year. And every instinct in your brain goes, “Really? Because this looks fucking awful.” And it makes you wonder if people actually believe this shit. Because at what point did anyone find anything about this movie funny? The worst part is when people you know go to see these movies and tell you how hilarious they were.

It has all the hallmarks of a comedy today — every character is stupid. No one does anything a human being would do in any situation, ever. Comedy typically comes from a person being put in a weird situation and reacting to it. Here, they manufacture a situation and have the characters just say whatever stupid shit they want. Plus I’m not sure where the comedy is supposed to come from. I’m guessing the assumption that the audience is stupid. This is basically two steps removed from Idiocracy and “Oww, My Balls!”

Take the opening scene of this movie. What’s his name — the one that’s not Zac Efron — is trying to sell a brand of tequila to a bar owner. The bar owner says he doesn’t need another brand of tequila. But Not Zac Efron says, “If I can sell this to a random person, will you buy it then?” He then proceeds to turn to Zac Efron, who is sitting at the bar, and do a sales pitch. The bar owner immediately says, “I know that’s your brother.” They continue with the pitch regardless. Even after the bar owner is like, “You’ve dated my niece” and things of that sort, proving that he unequivocally knows what they’re trying to do. Making it very clear they’re fucking idiots and this isn’t working. And they keep going, pretending like they have no idea what he’s talking about. I guess their continuing with this idiotic tactic is supposed to make them endearing to us?

Even worse, when he agrees to buy the tequila, he mentions they do this thing “every few weeks.” How am I supposed to find this funny when all I can think about is, “Why would you do the same thing every few weeks when he knows what you’re doing?” “Isn’t that the definition of insanity?” “How are you so stupid as to do the same thing over and over?” “Why is any of this funny?” He buys the alcohol to tell them to stop and their response is, “Our sales pitch totally worked!”

Mike and Dave need a fucking lobotomy.

To make it worse, the two of them are TERRIBLE people. You’re supposed to like these guys that are assholes, whose family tells them they’re assholes. That’s literally the second scene of the movie. Their family sits them down and says, “You guys are fuck ups and screw up every family event.” They then treat them to a video montage (I’m gonna ignore the fact that they have one) of these two doing horrible shit to their family at events. They set stuff on fire, cause major property damage, and almost kill people. I think this is a litmus test of whether or not I can respect someone’s taste in movies. I won’t begrudge someone who finds some of this stuff funny. Humor is subjective, and I get that. But there is no way anyone can tell me this is a good movie, or that everyone does or should find this movie funny. There’s no purpose to any of it. They took a fucking Craigslist ad and turned it into a movie.

Another case and point: the other two main characters, the girls, feature in a similar scene, where I wonder just how anyone can find it funny. They show up drunk to work and the manager pulls Anna Kendrick aside to yell at her. Aubrey Plaza comes over and he says, “You know how many times I’ve come in here and she is drunk off her fucking ass, dancing on the tables?” This is how Anna Kendrick responds:

“Only when Rihanna comes on, cause it’s my jam! I am a strong independent woman and I will get on a table and shake my shit to Ri-ri, cause it’s my right! America! Feminism.”

This line is spoken.

And you’re supposed to laugh because the words “Ri-Ri,” “America” and “feminism” were said. Because I sure as shit can’t make sense of any other reason why someone would say that line in any situation.

Every character in this movie is a fucking idiot. And the comedy is just so lo rent and generic. Characters get hit by cars and get up like it’s nothing. Someone gets hit in the face by a fucking ATV. Why? I don’t fucking know! All the side characters are either bland or complete one-dimensional stereotypes. Like the lesbian cousin. Plus the leads and the tone of the movie are so fucking douchey. You can feel the word “bro” hanging on the end of every sentence.

I wanted all of these characters to die. I’m not kidding about this. I hoped all of these characters would die horrible deaths and spare me from the rest of this movie. The only reason I had hope while watching this movie is because I believe in Darwinism and Survival of the Fittest. The best comedies are the smart ones. This comedy has a brain the size of a tangerine.

I wish they would stop making these. At this point the movies are disappointing me less than the people who like them. Speaking of which…

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8. Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping

Fucking hell. There’s always one comedy a year that everyone tells me is hilarious that gets good reviews that people tell me is one of the funniest things they saw all year that I just cannot fucking stand.

I was a fan of The Lonely Island’s first couple of music videos. “I’m on a Boat,” “Like a Boss,” even “Dick in a Box.” The Michael Bolton song was funny. “I Just Had Sex.” I enjoyed those songs. But typically the movies they make are not things I find funny. And when I found out this was a “spoof” (I will continue to put that word in quotations every time I use it during this entry to describe this movie), I got real nervous. Because no one anymore seems capable of making a legitimately good spoof movie.

This is alleged to “spoof” modern music stars, namely Justin Bieber, and what celebrity in 2016 is like. Which is exactly not the kind of movie I want to watch. Friends have defended this by saying it accurately represents the music industry today. Which — no it doesn’t. It represents the awfulness of celebrity culture surrounding musicians. But what does that matter anyway? I fucking hate celebrity culture and the music industry. That’s like saying, “I know you hate peas, but here are some really fucking good peas.” I don’t care. I hate peas, and I hated this movie.

I am offended by people calling this the Spinal Tap of the 2000s. I don’t love Spinal Tap, but at least that told a story and gave a shit about telling a story. This seems like a series of thinly-veiled cultural references mixed with a half-assed story, shitty songs and comedy that has nothing to do with anything.

Here’s an example: at the beginning of the movie, they mention how Connor was a really talented musician, even from a young age. Rather than let that be or show it in some realistic kind of way, they cut to a baby playing a fucking drum solo out of Wayne’s World. Why? To get a cheap laugh from a baby playing drums. They’re not building on any of the jokes, they’re settling for easy ones and throwing them away.

The scene where the band breaks up isn’t played for drama that ended up being funny. It’s played for stupid laughs. One of them fucking bites another one. They mention one of the band members ended up moving “to Japan to hunt dolphins. Like a dickhead.” They insert a photoshopped image of the dude about to kill a dolphin. As if we didn’t fucking get what they were saying. Why not just leave the line in there on its ownfor effect? It’s like they don’t believe in the line itself to be funny and have to overkill by giving it extra help. And why the dickhead part? People are responding to the inflection and not the words. There’s no comedy there, it’s purely how the words are set up. This is why people laugh at Dane Cook. It’s not that it’s funny, it’s that his inflection makes it funny and cues you when to laugh.

To me, this isn’t lambasting or reflecting the music industry of today. It’s the equivalent of a Friedberg and Seltzer movie. Which is also called a “spoof,” as this one is. In their movies, they parade out cultural references and expect you to laugh at the fact that they brought up something you recognize. I remember seeing whatever unholy piece of shit they birthed in 2008 — probably Disaster Movie, if memory serves — and watching them trot out someone dressed like Juno, who basically showed up and said, “Look at me, I’m a sarcastic pregnant teenager,” and did literally nothing else. That was the joke. “Hey, look! You guys know this character, and here she is, with us saying exactly what she is! Don’t we have her number!”

That’s what this movie is. Justin Bieber did something stupid at the Anne Frank house. So this character does something stupid at the Anne Frank house. Justin Bieber fell off a hoverboard. So does this character. Justin Bieber had a pet monkey or whatever. This character has a pet turtle. Macklemore made a terrible, on-the-nose song about gay people. This character makes a terrible, on-the-nose song about gay people. The fucking title is based on the Justin Bieber documentary that came out! None of this is played for anything except references to pop culture. I consider it an affront to comedy that people find this funny. This is precisely what YouTube humor is all about (don’t even get me started on that). Why is it biting or insightful that they mention this character makes YouTube videos every time he completes daily tasks, like eating a taco. These things aren’t funny just because you put them in your movie. They’re only made funny if they’re part of your story, and actually do something to make the character’s journey interesting.

Also, all the songs in this movie are terrible. They’re not parodying anything. They’re just songs. This is the same problem movies about stand up comics have. If the jokes don’t work, your movie doesn’t work. The songs don’t work. One of the songs literally has the lyric, “Now I’m in a cowboy hat / Now I’m in a cowboy hat / Now I’m in three cowboys hats.” What?

You can’t try to make the argument that the songs are deliberately awful. No, they’re not. And nothing is worse than hearing terrible songs and hearing real musicians (fictionally) claim that they’re masterpieces. The fucking “catchphrase” verse that’s in this movie is a piece of fucking garbage. Don’t even try to say I’m being too harsh on this movie, either. It’s garbage.

They introduce gags in this movie and then don’t pay them off. In the first five minutes they mention how he has a guy on the payroll there to stand next to him on red carpets to make him look taller. But they never use him again. He should show up in the background of every red carpet scene thereafter. That’s comedy. Stuff you introduce and then leave in the background and bring back later to make it even funnier. The fact that they didn’t even think to do that shows me these people were not really invested in any lasting form of comedy.

There are parts of this movie that could be funny (like putting the music in appliances the way U2 forced everyone to download that album of theirs), but they never execute it in any way that feels funny or interesting. It’s just played for dumb, forgettable humor. They build to an entire moment where the character ends up naked on stage, actually asking ten thousand people not to take pictures of his tucked in dick. (Why is it tucked in? Because apparently that makes the bit funny??)

You know a musical spoof movie that worked? Walk Hard. Why? Because you knew what movies it was referencing, and even when it wasn’t referencing specific movies, it was referencing tropes within a genre that everyone recognized, even if they couldn’t put their finger on a specific movie that utilized them. And the songs were funny! This movie doesn’t even do the songs right.

Also, for anyone wanting to tell me this accurately portrays the music industry — he makes a shitty album that everyone hates after selling 4 million copies of his first album, and it only sells 65,000 in the first week. Do you think that would ever happen today? Fuck no. That second album would do even better than the first one. It’s not the sales you worry about, it’s the critical reception and people saying, “Man, that fucking sucked.” They’ll still buy it. It’s the perception of it as a huge piece of shit that matters. Batman v. Superman is still one of the top ten highest grossing movies of the year, as is Suicide Squad. You see my point?

It was painful to have to watch this movie again. But I did it because so many people say they liked this movie I had to give it one more shot. But it continues to make me angry as I watch it. Actually physically angry. I really wish this movie would go away from my consciousness as soon as humanly possible and stay there. If there were an Eternal Sunshine procedure just for this movie, I would do it.

This is not a spoof movie. Go back and watch Airplane and the Naked Gun. This shit is embarrassing compared to that.

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7. Why Him?

Why Him?

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6. Bad Moms

We really do live in an age of terrible comedy. What is there to do? Endure, I guess.

I’m not sure I’m capable of putting into words just how much I hated this movie. This is, like the other three comedies on this list so far, another example of everything that is wrong with the genre today. Every single one of these “Bad” movies is a bastardization on Bad Santa, in a way, and each is worse than the last.

So rather than subject you to this movie as a whole, I’m simply gonna break down the opening voiceover of the movie (because of course it has a fucking voiceover at the beginning), since that’s exactly what is wrong with this movie in a nutshell.

“I’m Amy Mitchell, and I’m a Mom.”

I don’t care what your name is. Why are you defining your entire identity around being a mother? You were a person at one point who had hopes and dreams. Also, the minute a movie opens and you hear that as your opening line — you know you’re in trouble.

“I had my first kid when I was twenty years old, and I’ve been running late ever since.”

Is that shitty mom humor? Or… BAD mom humor? Wocka wocka woc–pleaseendmylifenowcantyouseethisisacryforhelp

“My days are filled with dropping the kids at school, then racing to work, where I have meeting after meeting, after meeting.”

You make it sound like you’re the only person in existence who has to do that. Why not do what my mother did some days? Carpools. Some days someone else brought us to school. Also, do buses not exist in this universe?

“I usually end up eating a shitty lunch at my desk.”

Is that supposed to make you relatable? Welcome to real fucking life, asshole.

“And I try to work out once a week. Ugh, why do I suck at Zumba?”

She doesn’t work out!! See, guys? She’s just like all of you other moms out there. She just happens to look like Mila Kunis.

Also, the fucking Zumba thing is so stupid, I’m not even going to dignify that with a response. Fuck you.

“Most days I race back to school for the kids’ plays, and poetry readings and class projects. Which I’m always late for.”

What kind of insane parent actually shows up for all of those things? Plays, sure. Poetry readings? Really? Class projects? What the fuck? They’re stating this as fact as though that’s a completely normal thing to do.

Also, “which I’m always late for.” Why does that matter? Pretty sure your kids are more embarrassed to see you there than to have you be late. When has a kid ever presented a project their parent was supposed to be there for without the parent actually there? They put them later in the presentation order. It’s a minor note, but that’s the kind of stuff that ruins any small amount of credibility a movie has.

“And then there’s PTA meetings, and volunteering, and parent-teacher conferences.”

The PTA? That’s a real thing? How often are there fucking PTA meetings? Aren’t they, maybe, once a week? And at night?

Volunteering? For what? Why is this all being glossed over? What insane parent does all of this? I bet those are the parents whose kids end up drug addicts and strippers. Or at the very least fucking hate their parents. You’re only upping the therapy bills for later on.

Parent-teacher conferences I know only happen twice a year. So I’m calling horse shit on that. That’s like counting doing your taxes as a serious burden on your daily schedule.

“Jesus, Ms. Wiggins fuckin’ hates me.”

There’s your obligatory “raunchiness” that is otherwise out of place and forced in there.

Also, why does Ms. Wiggins hate you? Are you fucking her husband? No teacher hates a parent unless they see too much of that parent.

“At least once a day I feel like the worst mom in the world, and I cry in my car.”

Is that… funny? Realistic? Relatable? Is there any reason that’s in there? They literally show her crying in her car here. Over the idea that she’s a shitty mother. There are no words. Just sounds, really. The only person who can come close to what I’m feeling right now is Captain James T. Kirk.

“Then I shuttle the kids to piano lessons, and soccer games, and dance classes and doctor’s appointments before my daily trip to the grocery store.” (This chick seems like she’s got it all figured out.)”

There are only two kids, first off. Why they have all these games and lessons on the same day is beyond me. Also, no child goes to the doctor that much. You’re conflating things to make it sound like this happens all the time.

Also, who goes to the grocery store every day? You know people generally buy shit once a week and then just have it in the house, right?

This is all fucking nonsense designed to make the middle class white woman’s life seem so hard.

I wonder how struggling, single mothers feel about this voiceover. I bet it’s similar to how I feel, but with way more reason.

“But I feel like I’m screwing up all the time.”

That sounds like some personal shit right there.

“Still, I love being a mom.”

Really? Because it sure as shit doesn’t sound like you do.

We then get a moment where she gives her kids stupid healthy lunches they don’t even want (“What’s peanut-free peanut butter?”) and hands her son a fucking project that she did for him! What kind of bullshit is that? Even if I got help on a project, there was no fucking way it was being done for me. This is some real white people shit.

“I work at a super hip coffee company. I love my job, but I’m 32-years-old and I’m the oldest person here by far. Most of these dudes just play ping pong all day.”

I don’t even care. This is all nonsense. This sounds like what married 40-somethings think kids are like today. They all don’t do work and have start-ups and do technology and think thirty-five is ancient.

“I live just outside of Chicago with my two kids, my dog, and my husband, Mike.”

You could have shown us all of that. Literally nothing in that sentence needed to be told to us out loud.

“He’s a successful mortgage broker, but sometimes he feels like my third child.”

… and then the voiceover just stops there. Because the movie couldn’t be bothered to at least wrap it up in any meaningful way. That tells you everything you need to know about this movie. Voiceover because they couldn’t think of any other way, one-dimensional stereotyped characters, raunchy comedy for no purpose whatsoever, and comedy that has zero thought put into it whatsoever.

This movie is so bad on so many levels. Fucking Dante would need to be guided through the comedic depths this movie plumbs. Even the small decisions make me want to punch unicorns. That the shit that annoyed me. The rest just pissed me off. I’d rather go scuba diving in a pool of lye than watch this movie again.

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5. Independence Day: Resurgence

The first Independence Day came out 20 years ago. They were supposed to make a sequel fifteen years ago. It dragged on, past the point where anyone ever wanted to see this get made. They went from an unnecessary sequel we’d have accepted to an unnecessary that was unwanted. This franchise lived long enough to see itself become the villain.

It’s not just that they made it that I have a problem with. I don’t really have a problem with the movie itself, either. I mean, I do, but not on a base level. I can watch it and think, “Well that wasn’t very good,” and be fine. There are other factors at play here, and that’s why this is on this list.

To start, you knew it wasn’t gonna get much better when they busted that “In less than an hour” speech less than a minute into the film. But hey, at least they brought the president back… only to kill him. Because that makes sense. That’s what you do now. Tron, Force Awakens, etc. You bring back your hero from the previous movie and then kill him, to make way for the younger generation that nobody cares about. It’s not just that they have to pass the torch, they have to set the previous holder on fire while they do it.

They also included a female president this time around, which is supposed to sound progressive… until you realize they completely cut her out of the movie and spend all the time with the previous president.

It also took them exactly four minutes to tell you Will Smith died, by the way. Which is another bad sign. When Will Smith, with the choices he’s made, won’t do your movie, what does that tell you?

Oh, and they cast a Hemsworth brother. I can’t even get into the macro things wrong with this movie when we’ve got so many red flags before Jeff Goldblum even gets on screen.

Not to mention they structure it like a 2016 action movie. There needs to be “stakes” in every scene and moments for the heroes to prove themselves and an action beat every ten minutes.

It’s okay though, because now we can get into why I hate this movie. After Hemsworth brother fixes some sort of problem by being cavalier and almost getting himself killed (all of this happens within the first six minutes of the movie, by the way), he goes back to base, where the base commander yells at him. Generic scene, yes. But the real problem with it: the nationality of the base commander.

I have no problem that the base commander is Chinese. But you can see the reason why he’s Chinese from a mile away. And it offends me. This is not colorblind casting. This is pandering to the Chinese marketplace. China pandering — or “panda”-ing,” as I will henceforth refer to it, is the new product placement.

We’re now entering an era where Hollywood is going to get the majority its money from China, and in return, is going to do things that make their movies play better in China. And since Chinese audiences really only respond to giant movies with explosions, aliens and robots in them, you’re going to see it in the bigger movies. So now every movie — and it’ll be obvious, the majority of the time — is going to try to “panda” to Chinese audiences in really obvious ways.

Take The Martian for example. That random cut to China helping us out? That wasn’t unintentional. This is going to become exactly like product placement. Or exposition. No one seems to know how to do it artfully, so it’s going to be forced down your throat in the most inelegant, lumbering way possible.

The base commander starts yelling in Chinese before speaking perfect English. If this were really colorblind casting, he’d have showed up and chewed our guy out without making a big deal out of the fact that he’s Chinese.

The only purpose of this is, “Look, Chinese and Americans working together! Chinese heroes! Someone you can root for in this American movie! Buy tickets!”

It’s weird how they tried to adhere to 2016 filmmaking norms when it’s clear how no one would give a shit about any of this.

Then they introduce Jeff Goldblum, who is being talked to in a car by a guy whose name he doesn’t know, despite the guy having tried to talk to him for miles of this African terrain. He literally asks the guy’s name purely so we could be told it… and promptly not listen because who gives a shit who this guy is.

I’m not even gonna pretend to understand whatever the fuck this plot is. I’m just gonna point out all the weird things I noticed while watching this movie:

  • They have a “Legacy” squadron. Which is basically their way of making sure you know this is Will Smith’s kid.
  • Vivica A. Fox used to be a stripper. Now she’s a doctor. She really was putting herself through school!
  • Also, Will Smith’s kid — father wasn’t around and his mother was a stripper. Take away the aliens and this kid is a statistic.
  • They didn’t even have the balls to leave the backstory between the two characters as spoken and acted. They literally had to show you the event
  • William Fichtner is in this. You could have sworn he was in the original, based on the kind of actors they cast in these things. But he actually wasn’t.
  • They brought back the Dee Snyder looking doctor. Because everybody remembers him. And now he exists purely to be comic relief. Great. Did we really need to pander to fans of the original that much?
  • I like that an African warlord is one of our main characters.
  • I actually like this Chinese pilot. If it weren’t so horribly set up and done for all the wrong reasons, I’d be down with how they use the Chinese actors in this movie.
  • Weird decision to recast the president’s daughter. I could see if it were an actress no longer working. But that was Mae Whitman in the original. Why not just bring her back? What was served by putting Maika Monroe in there?
  • I literally have no fucking clue what is going on in this movie. It’s really bad.
  • Pandering to the original again… Judd Hirsch. Peddling his meager contributions to the original. How fitting.
  • They show up to a giant crater with the remains of a spaceship in it, and Jeff Goldblum literally points to it and goes, “That’s it, that’s the crash site.” Yes, Jeff. We see it.
  • More original pandering. They trotted out Robert Loggia. And he’s dead!
  • The worst part about Robert Loggia is that he looks like he has no idea where he is. Why would you do that to him? Do people really remember that he was in that movie? It’s not like this is Star Wars, where people remember all the minor characters. Will Smith, Bill Pullman, Randy Quaid, Jeff Goldblum, Judd Hirsch and hair guy. That’s about it. and Vivica. I’ll give you Vivica. Am I missing anyone? No one even remembers the half-Mexican kid that’s Randy Quaid’s son. There’s no reason to trot out these side characters. You’re pretending your movie is that beloved. It’s not.
  • They literally brought the fucking speech up AGAIN.
  • 35 minutes for the spaceship to show up. The original didn’t waste any fucking time. This movie took an entire act to bring the aliens back. And did we get anything out of that act? No. No we did not.
  • They had to destroy more cities, didn’t they? Some franchises just want to watch the world burn.
  • It’s less interesting when the humans have weapons. It was so much better when we had Armageddon scenario of, “Oh, we’re fucked,” and they had to figure out a solution, and lucked into giving it a cold.
  • CGI makes disaster movies look like shit now. It doesn’t feel real. Remember when Vivica was trying to outrun the mass of cars? It felt like she could get killed. Here, it’s all so fake none of it feels dangerous.
  • Will’s kid disobeys a direct order to go find his mother. Who is clearly not gonna make it.
  • Oh, they killed Vivica. She’s Vivica A. Fucked.
  • Orphans, man.
  • They made it a point to keep the White House in tact this time. As if anyone gave a shit about that.
  • Oh great. Bill Pullman’s gonna get grabbed by alien tentacles again. It’s like no one has any new ideas. They just need to repeat the last ones.
  • Here’s an alien firing a gun. Being killed by an African warlord with a machete. What were we saying about racism again?
  • The subplot with the kids looking for their parents is actually not a bad idea.
  • Oh, no… they picked up Judd Hirsch. There’s a stupid subplot ahead.
  • This movie made a “no pants” joke.
  • “Are you saying we’re dead?” “Not necessarily. In ’96, we did this. So if we try the same thing, it might work again.” Honestly, there’s nothing more I need to say about this movie. That’s everything you need to know in a nutshell.

What a disgrace this movie was. You made a movie 15 years too late and basically repeated everything you did last time, while winking at the audience the entire time and panda-ing to the Chinese. There is absolutely zero reason for this movie to exist. Let’s just appreciate the original and pretend this never happened.

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4. The Boss

Another year, another shitty Melissa McCarthy movie.

She’s become a mainstay on this list by now. She can’t help but make terrible movies. Honestly, outside of Spy, she hasn’t made a single movie I’ve tolerated since Bridesmaids.

This movie is fucking ridiculous, from that opening scene where she has some weird business presentation wearing that awful suit (she looks like she’s wearing hockey pads!) and brings T-Pain into her bullshit. What the fuck is this?

Does anyone find these movies funny? I don’t even understand what the thought was that went into this? Female Ebeneezer Scrooge meets Trading Places? There’s nothing even remotely humorous about this movie. It’s soulless, and evil. There’s literally a fucking girl scout fight in the middle of this movie. Why? If I knew why, I’d probably be dead.

At this point, Melissa McCarthy movies need to prove to me that they aren’t Unforgivable. And I’m not sure if that’s even possible.

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3. Zoolander 2

You just couldn’t let me go, could you…

I didn’t want to make this Unforgivable. Not because of the no sequel rule, but because if I did, then I’d be forced to watch it again and talk about it. Watching this movie again would be like asking someone to testify in court against the person that murdered their parents. No one should have to recount such horrors. I was hoping to treat this movie the way you’d treat your best friend walking in on you jerking off — let’s pretend it never happened, silently acknowledge that we’re cool and never bring this up ever again. Just like we did fifteen years ago.

This movie is like childhood trauma. It haunts me. Not to condescend to people who have been the victims of childhood trauma. I want you to know how horrible this movie is to me and what this movie did to my senses when I saw it. This film is actively bad. In a way that makes you wonder if it was intentional. Which is impossible. Because no movie can ever be this deliberately bad. It’s like when someone smells really awful. You know it’s because they have no idea, not because they want to smell like that. And there’s really nothing you can do except avoid them and that others would do the same, and then maybe one day they’ll figure it out and do something to not smell like that.

For those thinking this “film” would assuredly be #1 on the list this year, you failed to take into account that everyone knew this was going to be a piece of shit. Even the people who like the original, who are their own, delicate snowflakes entitled to their own, unique opinions. We all went into this expecting garbage, and we got hot garbage. They made a sequel to a moderately successful cult movie 15 years later, added nothing new, and are basically rehashing all the same jokes. This is Dumb and Dumber To, but worse, because at least the first Dumb and Dumber was ACTUALLY FUNNY.

Full disclosure (in case it wasn’t very obvious any time it comes up), I openly despise the first movie. I have no doubt that a lot of people think it’s fine. I’m sure a lot of people think it’s perfectly funny. That movie is one of the films that laid the foundation for this list. I think it’s such an abomination and could not believe when I found out that people loved it. People I used to respect. It’s a style of comedy that just does not work for me. So the idea of a sequel to it is like asking a person to willingly get kidney stones again. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with this movie from the minute they announced it.

But, I am a man of honor. I will not say one thing and do another. Ben Stiller is a director I respect. Tropic Thunder is one of my favorite comedies of the past decade. He is part of my Directors List. So I made a point to watch this movie even though I truly would have rather been anally violated by a wild rhinoceros.

However, seeing it as a point of pride (and so I could say I hated it and actually have seen it) and making it Unforgivable are two different things. I’ve never not had a film go Unforgivable that wasn’t watched a second time. I do it mostly so I could refresh my memory of it and really watch it closely to come up with awful things to say about it, but honestly it’s also to give it just one more chance to prove that it’s not a blight upon humanity. In a way, it’s a point of respect for a film that I will go out of my way to watch the piece of shit just so I could shit talk it.

So I’d like to now make it known that I have refused to watch this movie for this article. That’s how much I hated it. The biggest insult I could give this movie wasn’t tearing its scenes to shreds, it’s not watching it again. Because movies exist to be watched. If I’m shitting all over a movie, I’m watching it. But to hate a movie so much that I don’t want to watch it ever again should tell you just how low this movie is on my scale.

There is nothing you can do, short of paying me a very unreasonable amount of money, to get me to put this movie on again willingly. I’d probably turn down sex if it meant not having to see or think about this movie again.

In a way, this was the film I hated most this year and is the most Unforgivable thing to come out of Hollywood in 2016. But it’s not fun to put this movie at #1, because my hatred for it wouldn’t even be funny. And I honestly am refusing to ever watch it again. Simply having it on the list is enough. I usually make my #1 a film that I can really tear into. The idea of the Unforgivables list is that it inspires humor with the hatred. This movie inspires pure hatred. The kind of hatred I don’t want to support. So I’m simply going to call this an unholy piece of shit that should never have been made and move on, and hope to never have to even think about this movie ever again in my entire life.

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2. I’m Not Ashamed

You should be. You should be very, very ashamed.

This is the movie the Unforgivables list deserves.

This is the first time in the history of this list that a film became Unforgivable based solely on its trailer. I saw the trailer for this movie and knew immediately there was no way the movie would not make this list. It was impossible.

Here is that trailer:

Since this movie showed up on my radar, I made it my mission to see it before the end of the year. I showed this trailer to everyone, and made sure they knew just how fucked up it looked. I did something I never do — I went out of my way to go see it in a THEATER. And believe me, the furthest I’ve gone to see a movie in a theater is like, fifteen minutes. Granted, I live in a town where literally any movie I want to see is within a three mile radius or a fifteen minute car ride, but still. This movie was not playing in many of the traditional theaters around town. Which surprised me. Because usually it’s tucked into one of them. But I had to go into the valley for this. Which was 30 minutes away. Not that far, but actually kind of a trek for a movie that I know is gonna be terrible just for the ability to shit all over it on the internet.

Whatever you want to say to me about what I’m about to say about this movie, know that I paid money to see this.

We all know about my feelings about religious films in general. Aside from a passing respect for how lucrative a market it is (what’s that P.T. Barnum quote?), I find the genre to be pandering, ridiculous, and not even remotely good filmmaking. Do yourself a favor and check out the trailer for a movie coming out in three weeks called The Resurrection of Gavin Stone. It’s insane. It looks like one of the most unwatchable movies ever made. And you know what? That’s fine. I can see that movie, not like it, and openly laugh at it and mock the people who see that and take it super seriously. But that’s one thing. Something like this particular movie… this is not okay.

A faith movie is one thing, but making a faith movie where the main subject is the girl that was killed during Columbine, and turning her into some kind of martyr for her faith should offend the religious crowd way more than it offends me. And it really fucking offends me.

The film begins with a disclaimer that they based it on the girl’s “writings.” Not on the truth. On her writings. But when has religion ever tried to gleam truth from people’s writings before? I can’t see how that might be dangerous at all.

Oh, and before I begin, know that when I saw this movie, I took all the notes I wrote down during the film and pasted them, as-is, here. All that was done to them is spelling changes from autocorrect, grammar fixes and the elongation of certain thoughts that I did not have time to fully write out because the movie was just non-stop one ridiculous thing after another.

This actually represents my initial reaction while watching the movie. Because I knew it would be this fucked up. Everything you’re about to read is essentially my experience watching this movie for the first (and likely only) time:

“I want to be a light,” she says. “But it feels so dark.” UGH. Fuck you and your high school problems.

This stupid voiceover is promptly followed by Columbine. I almost wish I didn’t know that going in. Because then I would have sat up and went, “Wait, what? What the fuck? It’s that kind of party?” And been both intrigued and horrified at the same time. I still don’t get how anyone thought this would be a good idea.

We see her painting as a child, smiling and coloring. Because how can you hate a child, they figure. Watch me, movie. Just fucking watch me.

Her room has about the same production value as American Sniper. You know, where it looks like they rented the house for the day and had to be out by 3:30 so Eastwood could play the back nine.

And now she’s sad because Daddy’s leaving. Oh, no! Divorce! How awful for you, middle class white girl. I thought you were supposed to trust in God’s plan.

Maybe God’s plan was for Dad to leave Mom for Mr. Jernigan the gym teacher.

Mom writing in a checkbook. Regular people things. See, they’re normal people, just like you and me. They have problems too! And God can’t balance a checkbook.

And now because Dad’s not there to provide, they’re gonna pray for what they need. Because that works. Pray in one hand, shit in the other. See which fills up first. I’m sure the bank is real sympathetic to your prayers for that mortgage payment.

One prays for gas money. The other prays for cute clothes and shit. I don’t think you guys get how this works. Is it supposed to be cute? Because to me, I’m looking at some stupid fucking people who don’t deserve to survive. God doesn’t just give you gas money. And the other half sounds like you don’t know the difference between God and Santa. I guess the only difference is, with one of those imaginary figures, some people still believe in them after the age of seven.

And now a montage where they shop at Goodwill. Because they’re poor! Get it?! The funny thing is, a bunch of 24-year-olds now only shop there. The montage is so offensively pandering, too.

Now we match cut from her as a child to her as a high schooler. Because I guess that was important for figuring out her trajectory as a person. Not once for the rest of this movie will her dad leaving have anything to do with who she is as a person, nor will her supposed poverty and thrift store wardrobe.

Uh oh, she’s got a crush on the actor kid! Oh man! And she didn’t get the lead in the play! Bummer. I guess her life is over now, amirite guys?

“We both love acting. He would be perfect for me.” Yes. That’s how it works. I am often at the bar, and when I ask a girl if she likes movies, and then she says she does, we immediately go home and fuck right then and there.

And her prettier (but not on the inside, clearly), more popular friend is going to “work magic” and get her a date with the actor guy who apparently doesn’t know she exists even though it seems like there’s only like 200 kids total in this school.

Is she gonna blow him?

Oh, and now she’s gonna sneak out to go on a date. Because apparently she’s not allowed on dates?

She just told her sister, “Please cover for me. This could be huge for me.” What, are you gonna fuck him for a part in a high school play? Does it really start that early? This could be huge for me… fuck you.

Oh, but she’s religious. So I guess that means only anal. The other side’s the God hole.

Christian music. Yeah. That’s what teenagers listen to.

And underage drinking and cigarette smoking! What would Jesus say about that? (“Get me a beer and a freshman”?)

I like how the other ones are drunk and making out on the other side of the pool, and her and the actor kid are just sitting there together, because apparently some form of magic was worked. I hope it involved a blood sacrifice and the placenta of a newborn wallaby.

And now he’s trying to talk smooth and pretend like they’re both artists.

“People like us… we have stories to tell.” Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

And now they’re quoting Macbeth. The most obvious fucking part, too. “Life’s but a walking shadow.” That’s what this movie is. Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

“You’re like, deep. Are you spiritual or something?” Yeah, because if you’re deep, you must be religious. He’s gonna go balls spiritual in her later tonight.

He’s spiritual. In case you were wondering. He likes to take on energy from the universe for his art. Pretty sure the universe is making the jerk-off motion right now and he’s taking that energy all over his stupid face.

They’re walking up the street, casually drinking in public. That’s apparently allowed. They’re in high school in Colorado, and it’s a religious movie, so it can’t be that late. Must be like, 10:30. There’s no way not a single person can hear five kids walking up the street making noise. The one cop car in town must be nearby too.

And of course mom is there to catch her, having snuck out. Because oh no!

“I prayed over pillows tonight.” A HA HA HA HA HA.

A HA HA HA that’s so fucking funny. Because that line is ridiculous. And also that means she comes into her children’s rooms each night and “prays” over them, even at age 16.

“What if something happened?” Fuck you. Columbine aside — what the fuck is really gonna happen?

And now she’s grounded for the entire summer. Which seems kinda harsh for a relatively nothing offense.

“You’re better than this.” Fuck you. And stop calling her Rachel Joy. No one is called by their middle name this much. You’re trying to turn her into more than she is.

As part of her grounding, she’s sent to Shreveport. AKA Purgatory.

Her cousin looks Amish. 

“What’s really going on? I just want to help.” “Well you can’t.” Watch out, Aaron Sorkin.

No cousin would say this. “I just want to help.” Why do you think there’s something wrong? She got punished for nothing and got sent to SHREVEPORT to live on a farm for the summer. I’d be depressed and sitting in a fucking barn, miserable, too.

“Sometimes I don’t know who I am.” Wait for it…

“I had to let God in.” Fuck you. She’s gonna GET religion? That’s the worst part. She could have just believe in God and been killed. Here, she got God and then was killed. So basically, religion killed this girl. That’s the message I’m taking way from this.

I’m also trying not to say fuck you at the end of every quote I pull from this movie, but it’s really difficult.

Though I definitely just thought of a good song title for an album: “Fuck Me Right in the God Hole.” I guess I got that going for me.

The worst part is that apparently this is what makes her religious. Apparently before this moment she was some sort of heathen child, who wanted nice clothes and to be liked and have a boyfriend and hang out with her friends after 7:30pm. And that’s apparently not allowed. So then they sent her so Shreveport (which I’m assuming is Middle American Saudi Arabia), where she finds religion. Because I guess what else are you gonna find there? Rickets and incest?

She had to go to a farm to find Jesus and then stare into the distance to think about it.

And now they’re converting her. Fuck this movie. Conversion scenes look a lot like what the Cambodians called “reeducation.”

Now she’s in church with everyone else, singing and praying all enthusiastically. No. No to all of this.

And big uplifting music as they pan up to Jesus. It offends me that this does it for some people.

She’s praying forgiveness. She didn’t DO anything!

“Use me to be a light to the world.” What? Like, actually? Because that sounds painful.

She found Jesus. (Was he in the sex dungeon?) Now she can have fun and stop being a moody teenager. And now her cousin can talk to her again, because she’s been indoctrinated.

Did you know that when you find Jesus you happily jump into a lake?

Pretty sure that’s also what you do when you take that joint medication that could cause anal fissures.

Through the transitive property, Jesus causes anal fissures.

Especially when put on screen.

“I know you’ve been thinking about a lot of things.” Ha. “I know you have the capacity for thought…”

“Sometimes you need to write down your thoughts.” Oh, so this is the big moment, right? This is where Anne Frank gets her diary?

“God, I’m sorry I doubted you.” YOU DIDN’T FUCKING DOUBT ANYTHING. That’s like suddenly, after having no opinion on 9/11, becoming a truther. And going, “I’m sorry I doubted that jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.” That’s not how it fucking works.

From now on I put all of my faith and trust in you.” Because that’s clearly what God wants. No, Rachel. Stop trusting in me, Rachel. Look the other way, Rachel. There are fucking cars coming. Stop making me take care of you. I have more important shit to do, Rachel.

Oh, and a boy with Down’s Syndrome. Because, you know, they let them wander the halls on their own and don’t cordon them off from the rest of the population and put them with the other developmentally disabled kids. And of course she’s nice to him and everyone else bullies him. Because haven’t you been to any school ever? That’s just what we do.

If the religion aspect doesn’t offend you, how about this scene? They immediately cut to a kid with Down’s Syndrome and you automatically know the next shot is going to be generic meathead football players bullying him. You already know it. And then they’re gonna talk about a big party at one of their houses this weekend, and invite all the other kids except our main character.

See, and I’m just guessing. As it all unfolds exactly as I said on screen as though I were shitting this out the way the writer did.

The actor guy doesn’t even notice her, still. Despite all that weird Macbeth shit and him jerking his auras or whatever off onto her in the pool. I’d have thought she’d have it locked after that.

“We’re working on it,” her friends say. How? How can you work on anything? “Hey, you know my friend Rachel? She wants to fuck you.” DONE. Aside from that, what the fuck else can you do? Maybe Rachel should man the fuck up and do something herself.

And now we meet the bullied kids who are gonna shoot up the school. Because we have to have that subplot. We can’t just have it come out of nowhere. I guess we have to build to the Columbine so it doesn’t turn into the Robert Pattinson movie that’s a generic drama and then 9/11 out of nowhere. Nobody wants to be the Columbine Out of Nowhere movie.

Goddamn, that’s elaborate bullying. They fucking took the kid, dumped an entire bottle of baby oil on the floor, and then slid him all the way across the hallway into a wall. How do the teachers let that one… slide? That’s a real safety hazard. And like, seriously actionable. There’s so many witnesses. How does the school do nothing about this? You can’t even say a bad word to kids nowadays without suspensions and petitions. They fucking threw him across the floor and fucked up all his clothes. And now anyone walking by is gonna slip all over the place. Somebody think of the janitor. And also, how this goes completely unpunished. But that janitor, man. It’s like 10am. He just got his weed ready.

“I thought it was gonna be different this year.” Because you’re religious now? Are you seriously that self-centered? Why would it be different? You seem like the kind of person who really believes in her New Year’s Resolution.

And now, Hitler. Because why not?

Oh, I get it. The kid who’s gonna kill people is overly interested in Hitler’s politics. Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right.

“I want to change the world.” She said to her gay Asian best friend. He’s not overtly stated as gay, but you know. They won’t say it, because homosexuality is a sin in the eyes of God. God hates fags, don’t you know. They can’t put one in one of those movies out in the open. So they gotta hide the truth.

Let’s also talk about how presumptuous that is, to think that she can change the world. This is why millennials are hated.

She also has a premonition about her own death. Great. Can’t she just be a good kid who dies? No, she has to fucking see it coming, as if she really is a goddamn martyr. Fuck this movie so hard.

She thinks she can start a “chain reaction.” She thinks this is some Pay it Forward shit. Gonna get knifed like Haley Joel Osment.

This is the most fake teacher I’ve ever seen.

“You know when you meet someone and in the first few minutes they’re like a soulmate?” Can I pray for this movie to be better? Is that how that works? Pretty sure I’m gonna end up in the same boat as the person who asked for gas money. And it might quite literally be a boat.

The Columbine kid thinks this is all hilarious. He’s the most reasonable one here. You know it’s bad when the person I side with in a movie is the one who shoots up the school.

Her actor crush corrected the fucking teacher and the teacher allowed it! Rachel was drawing and the teacher said, “Bitch, pay attention, this isn’t art class.” And the guy said, “Well technically we’re all artists (or some such shit), so this is art class.” Fuck you. A real teacher would have slapped him.

And now she’s cautioning her friend. About I guess rape or sex. Because apparently she made out with a different boy at the last party.The other girl said she’ll be fine. (She won’t be fine.) One of those two will be a consequence later, I’m sure. Chekov’s venial sin.

“You should try out for the female lead in my play,” the egotistical actor said. How generic. And rigged. Then he just leaves to go hang out with other women who’ll put out. And who apparently care about his play.

Stepdad is here. We’ve never met him before. And he’s tired and upset. Like a guy who got stuck with multiple daughters and a wife who’d rather pray over pillows than work. And now she’s flirting with him to get a car. Not sure what the point of this is. I guess, she wants a car, she’s normal? Or because that’s the car that’s gonna figure into the stupid ending and they want to give it emotional weight within the story. It’s terrible either way.

Their dad was supposed to see them and then cancelled at the last minute. As all absentee fathers do. That’s the crusher to their happiness in this scene. Everything was all happy, and then bam, Daddy doesn’t want you. What is this, the dishwasher scene? This ain’t Rachel Getting Married. This is Rachel Getting Shot.

Seriously, if she weren’t murdered, she’d probably have ended up a drug addicted stripper. Maybe all’s well that ends well.

Oh good, he’s reading Mein Kampf.

Now she’s gotta kick the crazy homeless lady out of work. One day I’ll be that crazy lady.

And a nice woman bought the lady something so she can stay warm. Oh, I see. She wanted to stand up to her boss and do a good deed in the eyes of the other absentee Father and didn’t have the strength to do it. Because homeless people are icky!

“I don’t understand why having to walk with God is so hard for me.” You know who didn’t say that? FDR. And he was fucking paralyzed.

She felt bad she didn’t help out that old lady. Who apparently they don’t know at all and will never be seen again, because this is just a surging metropolis of a city.

“From now on, when I have those little nudges, I’m going to listen.” I would so respect this movie if the murderer had the same shit going on in his head.

Now she’s going to Christian groups. So you’re not allowed to hang out with friends, but you can go to some weird ass AA meeting building and pray or some shit or whatever the fuck these people do.

Now she meets the “sketchy” guy, who doesn’t want to talk and only snuck in for free pizza. And she’s going to follow him outside. That always ends well.

Oh no. A smoking man! A woman! This is the shady part of town! Right outside your fucking youth center. That says a lot about religion, that right outside your fucking building are homeless people and you do nothing to help them.

And the guy’s homeless. Of course. But not creepy homeless. Just unfortunate homeless. Because real homeless, no no. Those are the ones we kick out of coffee shops. God can deal with them. I gotta pray me some dress shoes.

Now he’s gonna walk her home. “This isn’t a place for you.” What? What homeless person said that? What kind of fucked up shit is this? If a homeless 30 year old man offers to walk a 17 year old home, either a knife or a dick is being pulled in that scenario.

And she refuses to leave this “bad” part of town, which is literally on the other side of the tracks. It’s just homeless people. They’re not meth heads or anything. And apparently he’s all afraid that she won’t leave.

She tells him she wants a big brother. Which is so fucked up. “Wake the fuck up, homeless, guy, you’re my new big brother.”

She says she wants to give him something. *zip*

She follows him into a convenience store… while he goes to steal. Which is odd. You just stole some pizza. Also, you live like, right outside this store. Shouldn’t the clerk know you come in and steal by now? If a girl won’t leave you alone and you want to steal shit from a convenience store, wouldn’t you wait until you get rid of her before you went inside? Apparently no one in this movie has the capacity for rational thought.

But she’s going to pay for him, which is her good deed. This is so stupid.

“I can take care of myself.” “You can’t even buy your own food.” Bitch, that’s not what he said. Taking care of himself doesn’t mean paying for food. It means getting food. He’s more than capable of getting food. Snatch and run, y’all.

“It’s not for me.” It’s for me ma.

It actually is for his ma. She’s clearly some sort of drug addict. She barely eats. “She used to like pizza.” Because yeah, that’s how that works. Treat your drug-addicted mother like an aunt treats a kid they haven’t seen since they were six.

She invites him to come to the church event he was just at. He says no, because apparently no one pays any attention to anything that happened before this moment in the script.

She says she’ll stalk him, keep coming over here. Which is apparently a threat to him, and not her safety. This is such horse shit.

Oh, the friend is being beaten by her boyfriend. Or something. It’s not explicit. Seems that way, based on the haphazard set up.

“Is there anything I can pray for you about?” What???!! Are you fucking serious? Not, “How can I help?” How can I pray for you. As if that’s gonna solve her shit. Fuck this movie so goddamn hard.

And now the other kids are talking about who they’d kill. And trenchcoats. All the checklist items. Death list, check.

Uh oh. Violent videos games?!! The Devil’s recreation.

And now this idiot is going back to find the homeless guy. Who is apparently her “older brother.” She brings him food, and then invites him in yet again even though he’s already said he doesn’t want to.

“I’ll go play in traffic if you don’t.” Okay. Go play in traffic. I hate that you assume he has a moral code. This is also very childish. It’s like a child saying they’re gonna do something stupid if you don’t do what they want. The correct answer is, “Okay, go ahead.”

I also hate that he gives in and goes to the meeting. Because now I have to watch him get converted too.

“I hate physics. I have a test.” “We will pray for that.” Oh no. Fuck all of these people. This is literally a group where people get together and pray for their goddamn physics tests.

His mom is a heroin addict his dad’s in jail. And he’s living in an alley. “Are you okay?” Bitch, did you just hear that?

Six relatively good years.

Did this actually happen? All this stuff? I don’t care enough to look. But this is clearly embellished. And if it is fictional, then it’s awful writing. More than usual.

The gay Asian guy has a friend now. I guess we can’t also code him as gay, even though he clearly is.

His parents are separated. “I’ve been through that,” she says. Like she’s past it. This holier than thou bullshit. “Oh, my parents were separated. I was strong enough to get past it and am better than you.”

Yeah, sure. Meet a guy alone in a theater. That ends well. He’s gonna “teach her to audition.” Like Max Cady.

They repeat that stupid Macbeth shit. “It’s a depressed guy talking about death.” “Or life.” No. It’s death. And now a stupid acting montage where they get to know each other, even though they’ve been hanging out for like, weeks.

“I know you can do Better.” Fuck you. We should start a drinking game where we count the fuck you’s.

Uh oh. He’s gonna read her diary now. He’s gonna find out about her relationship with God. And be upset. But no — he thinks it’s good writing. Of course.

“I think we were meant to find each other. We both know the same pain.” Do I need to say it?

“It gives us an energy we can channel for our art.” This is so pretentious it should offend everyone.

Then they kiss after a really emotional scene. “Was that acting or was that real?” Fuck you. Seriously. 

And she gets the role. Shocker. “I heard he’s gonna rewrite the play for you.” Didn’t he already?

I’m confused as to how this worked. He wrote the play and apparently has complete creative control over all of this. He fucking told the teacher she was wrong and she said okay. Isn’t he making the decision as to who gets cast? Why did he need to practice with her? Are the teachers really casting the roles? Does that mean he might not get it? Can’t he just say “she has the part” and be done with it? And then the worst part — that now that she somehow got the part after whatever audition process there was, he, now, is going to rewrite the role for her. Couldn’t he have done it while they were practicing to help her get the role? I’m so confused.

“Maybe we’ll go to prom together.” That’s the end goal? Is this how religious people think kids think?

She got the homeless dude a scrapbook for Christmas. A journal. Not something that can help him. A journal. Any time he has a thought (which I should hope is fucking constantly), he can write it down and they can trade it back and forth. Or, just fucking speak to one another like you’re doing now.

Oh, she got the car for her birthday. I hope she fucks in this car and that’s why it’s relevant.

She’s dropping hints about prom to him. She asks him “what are we?” Well, considering you’ve kissed like once, not a whole lot. He feels “what we have is so good” he doesn’t want to put a label on it. AKA ‘I’m fucking someone else’.

“I don’t always think you can define things with words.” Well no, that’s the purpose of words. That’s some shit you say when you want to get her to shut up. “I think we should let it be what it is.” But neither of you know what it is. “A heart connection.” Oh just fucking kill her already.

“I can’t imagine connecting with anyone like we have.” Please just commit the murders.

She wants to take it to “the next level.” Which means what? Anal?

They kiss after that. So I’m not sure what “the next level” is. Going steady? Really? I also like how she said she wants to take it to the next level after he explicitly said “let’s not do that.”

“I pray I won’t drink this weekend.” What? Was she drinking every weekend before this? Maybe show that. This is a weird thing to have in there.

She’s moody. Won’t tell anyone what’s wrong with her. “I want to tap into something higher.” Like heroin?

Now the homeless guy is super religious. Because that’s how it works. You give them a place to stay and then all of a sudden God means something. What happened to his mother? Is she just dead? Does he not care to help her anymore?

“Pain, pain, go away. Come again another day. Because of you I’m led astray.” There are not enough words or gifs or images that could describe the amount of anger that is inside me at this moment. This is religious shit on top of bullshit moody high school girl shit on top of fucking COLUMBINE. How is this not the most offensive movie of 2016?

Uh oh. Dad found liquor in her car. “Maybe you should just quit the play.” What? The play is the problem? Also, one, how can you make her quit the play three days before? And two, wouldn’t you have seen that as the problem before now?

“You’re not even going to Break Thru.” Who cares? What, sitting around praying about physics like ten feet from where homeless (and apparently dangerous, according to how this movie portrayed them) is a safer thing to be doing than being at a fucking school? I like how the play is a bad thing for her to be doing, but apparently not for the other fifty kids involved in it. Nice little double standard you got going on there.

The homeless guy gives her dog tags. Because okay. They were his grandfather’s. “If it weren’t for you and Grandpa, I don’t know where I’d be.” Yeah you do.

He asks for the second time for her to bring the boyfriend to the prayer circle. After she already said he’s not into it. Do these people not listen to each other?! That stuff annoys the living fuck out of me. It’s like this script is just powering through, not paying any attention to what’s already there. It’s not even like they build around it. This is like, “Wanna come to this meeting?” “No.” “Why not?” “It’s not for me.” “I think you should come.” “Nah, my mom’s a heroin addict and I’m homeless. I got bigger problems.” “Yeah, wow, that sounds pretty awful. So… maybe you should come by the meeting. You’d like it.” Does that not pain anyone else as much as it pains me? This scene is more offensive to me than all of Warcraft.

Apparently actor guy doesn’t want to come because he’s “figuring things out.” I don’t think so. I think he knows and just isn’t interested. It’s like, “Do you want asparagus?” “Nah. I hate asparagus.” “That’s okay. You’re still figuring out what you like.” No, I just fucking hate asparagus.

“Is he kissing you while he figures things out?” Really? Is he really gonna be jealous now? Also, “kissing”? That’s the most compromising he can do? I’d worried he’d be finger banging her or something worse. You guys ever hear of an Angry Raccoon?

“Is he Christian?” No. He’s “really spiritual.” Which in this universe aren’t the same thing. Either you’re a Christian or you can just fucking burn. Another thing that makes these kind of religious people so annoying.

“For the first time, someone really wants me.” Sigh. “He makes me feel like I am someone.” Excuse me while I go jerk off now.

“I thought you wanted a Christian boyfriend.” A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

But seriously though.

And now the play.

I hope he’s fucking the teacher.

This play sucks.

I know it’s supposed to he bad, in that “high school bad” way. But this is actually bad.

I’d actually prefer it if the acting and writing of this play were the style of this entire movie.

Homeless guy can’t stand to see them kiss. For religious reasons, not jealousy. Because kissing a non-Christian is just not okay. Pretty soon, non-Christians are gonna have to wear patches, and then go into their own part of town.

And everyone gives a standing ovation, like this is some major fucking triumph. Maybe tone that shit down and have them give appreciative applause sitting down. Maybe pretend like this is remotely realistic. Just a thought.

The Down’s kid hugs her. Because of course. And now homeless guy is meeting boyfriend. “You must be Alex.” Yeah. You knew that. You just watched the entire fucking play.

And… he’s a dick to him. And… they’re dicks to each other.

“I’m not gonna let negative energy intrude on tonight.” I know he’s supposed to be a pretentious asshole, but what a fucking pretentious asshole.

Now she’s upset that they’re not exclusive. Maybe she should have figured that out sooner when it was readily apparent six months ago.

And… she’s a cunt to her friend who sleeps around. She better not 1) get pregnant 2) get beaten or 3) become a Christian.

Oh yeah. They goin’ to the bedroom. He go’n try and get it in. Wait, no. They’re making out by the washing machine. Dog food and shit all over the floor. Way to be smooth, guy. You could have gotten some, and instead you went for a handjob in front of Mr. Clean.

“I thought you wanted to take it to the next level.” “I meant a commitment.” With your mouth.

And of course he tells her to be in the moment and go with her feelings. Which means, “Let’s fuck.” But of course she won’t. Then she storms off, as one does.

But then she decides, “I have to find him before things get weird.” (As if they aren’t already.) Meaning, “So she can catch him with another girl.” Hooray, predictable writing!

Aww shit. He’s fucking her friend. Good. She deserved for that to happen. And he finds out she’s a Christian, which is apparently a dealbreaker. Even though he clearly knew about this months and months ago.

And she cries in her car. Which she apparently got back three days later from when it was taken away from her. Great logic. “You had alcohol in your car. That car is gone. And you can’t be in the play.” Three days later, she’s in the play and taking her car to a house party, with alcohol.

And now. Guns.

Oh, shit. Her and one of the Columbine guys are talking. Like in Heat.

He says God is a cultural construct. She says you have to see with your heart. I think they should both murder-suicide right now.

They find common ground. Which will be meaningless in exactly five minutes when he shoots her in the fucking face.

And now slutty friend confides her problems. Her parents hate each other.

Why is this movie two hours?

“It feels like I’m fading away. I don’t even want to live through the night.” I like how nothing we’ve seen shows anything remotely resembling the problems this diary is mentioning.

Oh. Is she gonna jump? Is this what we’re doing now?

It’s the Devil’s temptation! Please jump. Please. Do it. Do it. Do it.

“I’m drowning in my own lake of despair.” what

“The world you have created has lead to my death.” I AM DYING LAUGHING IN THIS MOVIE THEATER PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AND I DON’T CARE

This is basically a “fuck you, God” moment. Then she jumps. My kinda ending.

Oh, but the dog tags save her. Because okay. Some random old, dead guy I never met saved my life because I helped his grandson in some way that doesn’t make sense.

And now she’s off the ledge. Fuck!

“I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately.” Religion?

Now they’re gonna pray for her.

She got titties.

I guess we can thank God for those titties. God maketh the titties. (On the sixth day, at 2am, God said, “U up?”)

And now she’s letting God into her heart. Again? Didn’t she let him in like twice already?

Let God Into Your Heart But Me Into Your Pants.

I could write music if I wanted to.

And now she’s back on the building. But there’s color. So she’s happy. This is how filmmaking works, guys.

She hugs mom out of nowhere. Because okay.

Uh oh, she’s gone Full Christian. You never go Full Christian.

They’re making fun of her for it. As one should.

She’s upset about the actor guy. “The worst part was he didn’t know I was a Christian.” YES HE DID.

“You gotta be real.” Which is a thing they’ve been bringing up. How she needs to be herself and not some fake person when she’s in public. Which does not manifest itself in any way whatsoever because the writing is neither talented nor nuanced enough to pull this off. “I’m not gonna let that happen again.” Because you’re gonna get shot in the face soon.

And now her friends hate her. Because that’s how friends work. “We love you, we’re gonna be friends forever! … oh, but you got Jesus now? Fuck you!” Though it is funny, because their excuse for not liking her is because she’s so religious it’s fucking annoying, since that’s all she talks about now. Imagine a person who, all of a sudden changes one thing in their lives and from then on, refuses to talk about anything but that one thing. I completely understand why they hate her. Befriend a hardcore vegan. You’ll see why they have a point.

But it’s okay, since she befriends the poor girl who can only afford thrift shop clothes. Because that’s how that works. ‘I’m a Christian, so I make friends everywhere’. Never talked to this girl before, but now I gotta show how noble I am. C’mere, peasant, we’re friends now. I have mir to give.

Oh good. The Columbine kids also want to leave a lasting impression and start a chain reaction.

I think they win.

Then she does a book report on hands. Okay, Jewel.

And chain reactions. Some bullshit pay it forward religious shit. She starts talking about her faith. “I just wanted to he real with you guys and let you know who I am.” BITCH WE KNEW THIS ALREADY. We knew she was religious and now all of a sudden it’s like she’s coming out in front of all these people. This movie seemingly has no idea what we’ve seen already.

“Jesus gave his life to me and I will give my life to him.” Sooner than you know.

Oh, and now Columbine kids have a video. I remember this. The premise is they kill bullies. But with actual weapons. And then they get suspended, which is what sparks the killing spree. This is like when they wouldn’t let Hitler be a painter.

And now the black football player comes up and says, “I’ve been a Christian for a while now.” Which is the most fucked up thing you can say. Not like you were born that way. You just decided to. I’ve been a Christian for a while now… how offensive is that line? Like he’s out of the closet or something.

She tells him to look out for Down’s kid when she’s gone. As if she knows she’s gonna be gone. (Because remember, she’s a junior. There’s no other “gone” she could be referring to.)

And the Columbine kids are mad because she made the teacher stop the tape. Great. They threaten her and some shit in the run-of-the-mill ‘menacing stairwell meeting’. “You’re just like all the others.”

If you ever want to intimidate someone, a stairwell is a good place to do it. Bathrooms are not. You can’t take someone seriously in a bathroom. Because it’s like, “I’m gonna fucking kill you.” *flush* In a stairwell, it’s like, you can murder someone and no one will know for hours. Because everyone’s so lazy, no one takes the stairs. Remember Casino Royale? Bond fucking murders two guys in a stairwell and just hides the bodies like it’s nothing. I bet they still haven’t found them.

Also, let’s point out that if she weren’t religious, she wouldn’t have made such a stink to the teacher about being upset by that video, and the teacher wouldn’t have stopped it (well, she would have, but it wouldn’t seem so obviously like Rachel was the reason it was stopped), and they wouldn’t be mad at her, and she would have likely been spared in the end. So religion killed her, according to this movie.

Gay kid invited her to prom. Is prom usually in April?

How many kid are in this school? It looks like there are like fifty kids at this prom. It looks like you rented out a hall for a giant party and nobody showed up.

Of course the killers are there. Because even mass murderers gotta awkwardly dance to slow jams. You fucking bet this prom had some Edwin McCain going on.

She makes peace with actor guy. Because I guess they wanna make it the most unlike life they can possibly make it. No one ever settles all their business with people before they die. That’s what makes life life.

“They’re playing our song.” “We don’t have a song.” “I wish we did, though.” Just kill her, please.

STOP WITH THE MACBETH.

I like slutty chick.

“I think forgiveness is one of those things that can change the world.” How original.

“I’m so tired, Rachel. Of all of this. Of my life. I don’t even know why I’m here.” Because it’s prom. Oh, you meant like, existentially. Pretty sure the answer is handjobs.

“I want something like you have. You can handle the pain.” What pain?

Can we just stop and say — YOU’RE FUCKING WHITE.

“Come over next week and we’ll talk about it.” Why not talk about it now? What’s stopping you?

And she says she might even start going to Break Thru. Fucking great. Seriously can we just get on with the killing? This is somehow even more ridiculous than the rest of it.

“Why can’t I see my future?” She can’t see herself going to college or getting married or any of it. That’s the most offensive part of this. Is the idea that on top of all of this shit, the idea that she had a premonition of her own death. FUCK YOU SIDEWAYS WITH A LAWNMOWER.

“If God loves me so much why does he put my through so much pain?” You. Are. White. 

She invites Down’s kid on a date. Fuck this movie so much.

He’s been on dates before. With his mom. “I’m sorry I’m not your mom.” Just… gonna leave that one right there.

Black kid says hi to Down’s kid. Because pay it forward. And now all of a sudden the football team likes him. Because you know, they’re not really bad dudes. What horse shit. Pretty sure if you bully a kid all year and then one of your guys says hi to him one day, you’re just gonna let it slide and give the kid shit about it. Not all of a sudden embrace the kid. But that implies there’s any kind of depth or nuance to these characters. Which is a losing argument.

Oh good. Massacre time. “We’ll be heroes. Heil Hitler.” Had to throw that in, didn’t you?

“If only we would have asked the right questions.” I like that. Throw the guilt on the parents. That’s always good.

“All I want is for someone to walk with me down these halls of tragedy.” All right, chill, Dashboard Confessional.

Oh good. Columbine happened on the day Adolf Hitler was born. Way to tie that in, movie, in the most unskillful way possible.

Other gay kid wants to talk to her at lunch. About his parents. She’s a therapist now, apparently. Because when you’re religious, you’re the one who can solve people’s problems. Not, you know, the fucking school guidance counselor or an actual therapist.

She gives slutty friend a note to make amends. Which she tells her to read later. Convenient.

Now her final drawing. And slutty girl reads the letter after like, five minutes. Way to listen to your friend.

She turned down lunch with her friend to be a Christian. And it’s gonna get her killed. That’s what I’ve learned from this movie — always follow the whore.

His parents are getting divorced. Like they were months ago when we first met him.

“I don’t think God wastes anything. Not even the bad stuff.” Like, jizz?

You heard it here first, guys. God Eats Gizzard.

And… murder.

Titties.

“Where’s your God now?”

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This is the famous exchange. Where they ask her if she still believes in God and she says “you know I do” and then they shoot her. The question becomes would they have not killed her if she said no?

And now everyone’s putting flowers on her car. Because sure. This is the one actually passable shot in this movie. Only took 110 minutes.

“If I had that moment again I’d have said I loved you.” No you wouldn’t. 

Down’s kid can’t go on a date now. That’s the best way to get out of a date. Unexpected brutal death.

“Rachel never judged. She was what a Christian ought to be.” Dead?

“It’s me. Maudie. I miss you.” Are you talking to her car?

Yes. Let us gather around a beat up Acura. (And other shitty John Ford moments.)

Slutty girl found God. “Thank you for never giving up on me.” One more for the road — Fuck You.

Oh god. Sermon time. 

The homeless guy says, “I prayed God would send me someone that loved me.” No. You didn’t have God. This is false. If anything you wanted fucking pizza for your drug addict mother. Stop making shit up because it sounds better.

Drawing on the casket is a nice touch. Because, you know, she doodled, so that’s how we honor her. She liked to drink too, apparently. So maybe you guys should do that. I’m already way ahead of you.

Now Mom’s in her old room. Please do the Brokeback ending.

Her backpack. Does it have bullet holes in it?

IT DOES!

Aww… her journal. With all those suicidal thoughts in it that apparently don’t matter now and aren’t alarming at all.

And Mom sees her drawing on the back of the dresser for the first time ever, apparently. Even though the dresser HAS FUCKING WHEELS. And was in her room for 17 straight years without being swapped out.

Why does Mom have the same size hand as a nine-year-old?

The caption: “These hands belong to Rachel Joy Scott and will some day touch millions of people’s hearts.”

I just can’t get past the fact that they wanted to tell this story about a girl and her problems and then say, “Oh, but this is also the first girl who was killed during Columbine.” And then there’s the bullshit about her wanting to “start a chain reaction” and touch millions of people. You can’t have it all. And this is not even remotely about faith in the least, yet you want it to be about faith. This is a failure on so many levels, and I think people ought to see it just so it can do itself justice in its own awfulness.

In the most pure sense, this is the film that offended me the most this year. But it wasn’t the most Unforgivable movie of 2016. That title belongs to something else.

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You ready?

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I hope you are.

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And your number one Unforgivable movie of 2016 is…

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1. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice

We had to see this coming. I’ve been teasing this throughout the entire article. The only question was going to be how high on the list it was going to be. And now here we are.

No film more epitomizes the Unforgivables list than Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice.

Sure, I’m Not Ashamed inspired much more hatred than this did in terms of pure overall quality and plain, “Fuck that movie and everything it tried to do.” But this movie — every single second of this movie offended me. I’m Not Ashamed, I can think is ridiculous and forget about it. This movie stays with me. I’ll think about a moment from this movie and get angry about it. And now, because of this movie, I’ll have to live with this shitty universe and it’s shitty tone and Zack Snyder making all the shitty movies for the next five years. Which is why ultimately this is the most Unforgivable movie of 2016 for me.

The first thing I said when previewing this film was, “I had no faith in this to be good the minute Zack Snyder was directing. I have no faith in this to be good now that I’ve seen that trailer. I have no faith in this to be good now that I know what the full plot is.” I had no faith in this movie to be good.

Sometimes faith is rewarded.

Which, yes, is also part of the final monologue from The Dark Knight. There will be a lot of callbacks to that movie over the course of this entry, as there have been references to Batman movies all throughout the article. Because the one thing bad movies can’t help but do is remind you of better movies, and how you’d rather be watching them instead.

Also, the reason I haven’t referenced Superman throughout the article and only Batman — if Batman is in your movie, it’s a Batman movie. Nobody gives a shit about Superman. Don’t pretend. That’s how it is.

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Let me make this clear before I start — I don’t dislike this movie. Not on a pure entertainment level. You can watch this movie and enjoy it well enough. (Provided you turn off every impulse you have that requires you to think for a second. Which seems to be what they want you to do anyway.) That’s the one thing the studio always says when trying to control the spin when the reviews are shit for a movie of this size; “We don’t make films for the critics, we make them for the audience.” Sure. But there’s no dearth of entertainment value. There will be a $150 million movie coming out practically every week between late March and Thanksgiving. I can be moderately mindlessly entertained whenever I want. I can’t watch a good film any time I want. Not in a first-run movie theater. Just look at how bad this summer was.

So I don’t care that I could get through this more than some other pieces of shit this year. That still does not change the fact that this movie is a giant disaster from top to bottom. Just because only a hundred people died does not change the fact that it was still the fucking Bay of Pigs. And I know I’m piling on in a sense, but that’s with good reason. And I’m about to tell you why there’s good reason.

It feels as though this movie was made with all the wrong intentions, and then there were some people along the way who had good intentions, but that only made the whole thing even more muddled. The studio said, “Look at what Marvel is doing. We have beloved characters. We can do that.” Sure. But you tried to do it backwards. You tried throwing everything into one film and starting your universe that way. Which means you don’t give a fuck about the film you’re putting out there. This is just a vehicle to start your universe. You dated ten films before this one even came out. They had to put the kitchen sink in a movie that’s supposed to not only be a sequel to one film but reboot another. In a way, it’s not the film’s fault. But in another way, they did this to themselves, and now they have to deal with the repercussions.

As you can tell, I have a lot to say about this movie. To put things in perspective: I started writing this entry in April. There’s not been a year where I’ve even moderately considered this list before December.

There was a lot I had to say about this, and I’ve taken my time to make sure I said it all.

To begin, the title. Batman V. Superman. Fuck you. You’re stupid for calling your movie that. Not Batman vs. Superman. V. Superman. How pretentious is that bullshit? The only time they use the v. instead of vs. is in legal cases. Which is them saying these two are legally obligated to oppose one another. It’s a civil dispute and not a fight.

If they were fighting, it would be vs. Now it’s more Roe and Wade than Joe and the Volcano. Which is somewhat fitting, since they’re not even adversaries. They’re just intellectually opposed. And even then the only reason they fight is because they’ve been manipulated and forced into it.

I’m pretty sure the adversary in this movie is the audience. Or logic. Not Superman or Batman. But we’ll get to that later. Why talk in generalities when the entire film is garbage from top to bottom.

We haven’t even gotten to the subtitle, which is just awful too. It cancels out the entire first half of the title! Dawn of Justice. So, from them fighting, it’s gonna bring about the Justice League. Which even people like me, who’ve never read a comic book and never watched the animated show, know is a team that features both Superman and Batman on it.

So really what this title is saying is, these two are gonna fight each other… and then it’s gonna bring us into a bigger universe where they all team together. That would be like calling a Rocky movie, Rocky XVII: Tag Team. You want the fight, not the team up. Sure, eventually they’re gonna team up, but maybe let’s enjoy them fighting first. Rocky and Apollo weren’t friends until movie 3. This movie negated its entire premise before we even saw a fucking trailer for the goddamn thing.

I’m going to work my way through this entire film, because nearly every second of it defies logic. This is going to take a while, so get prepared for the movie that was so bad they literally had to put out an entire advertising campaign for the Blu-Ray in order to tell you, “No, no, that terrible version you saw in theaters… we’re giving you a completely different movie this time. And we promise it might even be coherent.”

I’m sure it will end well.

The film begins with fucking VOICEOVER. Why would you do that?!! And it’s also the funeral of Bruce Wayne’s parents, who apparently need to be killed every time we get a new director handling Batman. Burton did one, Schumacher did one, Nolan did one. Why do we need to bother? We get it. Parents died. I’d give them credit for not doing the flashback in their movie.

Adam West’s parents weren’t killed. Instead, we got this:

Which of those two scenes would you prefer this movie start with?

Why do we need voiceover? What does that accomplish? Oh, by the way, because I know no one really paid attention to it — WHAT THE FUCK DOES THE VOICEOVER EVEN MEAN?

“There was a time above, a time before. There were perfect things. Diamond absolutes. Things fall. Things on earth. And what falls is fallen.”

This is how you start a Batman movie??? What falls is fallen. What kind of bullshit slam poetry is this? The idea of voiceover is that a character is directly addressing the audience. If someone walked up to me and said, “There were perfect things. Diamond absolutes. Things fall. Things on earth,” I would punch them in the face.

What does this even mean, why are we getting this, what purpose does this serve for the plot? I’m going to basically ask this for every scene in the movie, but it’s good to get it out now.

Also, the Waynes are at a theater currently showing The Mask of Zorro, and the following week it’s gonna show Excalibur. How does that theater make any money? Today, a movie from 1940. Tomorrow, the year’s big smash! You know why the richest man in Gotham and his wife were able to be murdered outside this theater? Because no one’s fucking going to see any of the movies in it!

Maybe if this thing was showing Empire (I’m assuming this is 1981, and not a first run theater), there would be witnesses. Also, this tells you exactly the kind of movie we’re dealing with. Usually the Waynes died at the opera. But this version made it a movie theater. Less culture, more action. Totally fitting in the worst possible way.

Not to mention Bruce’s father looks like Jackie fucking Gleason. How sweet it is… getting murdered again in the opening of a film. Jeffrey Dean Morgan has no luck. If you need an actor to be murdered in the opening scene of your superhero movie, look no further.

There’s also a pearl necklace joke to be made with what happens to the mother (getting blasted in the face and all). The mother, whose name escapes me right now… I wonder if the movie will force it down our throats so badly by the end of it that I won’t ever forget it again.

The whole thing is also shot slo-mo, which makes me think Zack Snyder really likes jerking it to 200 fps. Honestly, knowing how he stages scenes, I’m surprised the whole thing wasn’t set to an on-the-nose song choice. “Hello dark knight, my old friend…”

Let’s also get enraged over the fact that the actress they cast as Martha Wayne is 34 and the guy playing Thomas Wayne is 50. No one’s mentioned that yet.

Also, maybe if you want it to mean something, maybe skip the pointless, unintelligible voiceover and then have the first word of the film be “Martha.” Just a thought. But I’m sure you guys made the right decision doing it your way.

All this slo-mo, Zack Snyder nonsense is intercut with young Bruce running into the forest during the funeral (or whatever the fuck this is. The entombing), because that’s just what the plot dictates. He apparently can’t handle it all, even though he’d have had days to process this. Surely by the time they’re being put in the vault, you’re not at the running away in denial stage. Maybe trees soothe him. I don’t fucking know. Maybe he’ll run into Joseph Kony in the woods and end all our troubles.

All this is so we can see him fall down the well, making every single person in the audience immediately think, “Why do we fall, Bruce?” Because what the fuck else are we supposed to think?

But it’s okay, because then a bunch of bats randomly show up and PICK THIS FUCKING CHILD OFF THE GROUND.

Wanna make me immediately not buy into your Batman movie? Have bats somehow levitate a person off the ground. What’s their next trick, histoplasmosis?

Right at this moment, I was irrevocably taken out of this movie and it never won me back. I don’t even care that he says it was all a dream and that’s what he thought happened. I was too busy shouting “Fuck you!” at the screen to hear it. Plus, after “what falls is fallen” I’m not exactly paying attention to the bullshit these people say. I’m checking to see if the snack bar sells cyanide below market value.

Why they don’t start with the following scene, of adult Bruce being choppered into Metropolis and driving through the city while the (shitty) finale of Man of Steel is happening just out of frame is beyond me. Because that I was invested in. Watching a dude on the ground as this giant battle that I didn’t care about then is going on elsewhere. There are legitimate human stakes here, which clearly Man of Steel could not have given a single fuck about. Plus, when the building falls and he goes into all the dust and sees the little orphan girl, you can then flash back to him and his parents. It would be understandable.

Or you know, maybe have that be a dream sequence and not that bullshit you put instead.

Anyway, during this clear 9/11 imagery that apparently makes everyone in theaters masturbate involuntarily while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, based on how many goddamn times movies seem to incorporate it, Bruce calls the random dude in his office who is totally meaningless and is like, “Get everyone out of the building right now.”

There are fucking skyscrapers falling down! Why were you not out of the building sooner?! There’s an alien ship floating, people are crashing THROUGH things and the entire city is literally coming down around you. Bruce saw that shit from the helicopter. How did you not have this idea sooner? Why is it required that the boss tell you to get the fuck out before you do? I guess everyone in this movie is as dumb as the people who made it think the audience is, so I guess that makes sense.

Also, they literally say, “The boss wants us out of the building.” Which is terrible writing. Making it clear it’s Bruce Wayne without saying it’s Bruce Wayne. I can’t even begin to get into the layers of how stupid that line and this exchange is because I’m gonna have a fucking aneurysm.

Plus, THE FUCKING DUDE STAYS IN THE BUILDING LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT. What is this, Titanic? Are you going down with the ship? What the fuck is that bullshit? (The guy’s name is Jack…) When Superman crashes into the building, we see that this guy the only one left, standing there like an asshole. This is his own goddamn fault all around.

Plus, as the building comes down, Bruce shouts “JACK!!!” like an asshole, conveniently ignoring ALL OF HIS OTHER EMPLOYEES WHO WERE ALSO IN THE BUILDING WHO DIED. This sequence is so horribly written and edited that it defies logic. And this was a scene I liked.

This sequence also lost points from me for having the dude pray as he died. Why did we need to see that? How does that make it any better or more relatable than him just looking horrified and then the building coming down? We don’t know this guy, so the praying only appeals to those who believe in that sort of thing. There’s no intellectual reason for adding that whatsoever. The fact that it’s there is a choice, and as a choice it only served to be weird and incomprehensible. Which makes it fit perfectly alongside all the other weird and incomprehensible choices this movie made.

Plus, why is he the only one we’re watching die? Who the fuck is he, anyway? I don’t care about him. We don’t see him before, and we’re never gonna see him again. We don’t even really see anyone else in the building. Why bother showing us the inside of the building at all? We can all assume stakes. Especially since it’s made clear the girl’s parents were up in the building when it fell. Let that be your clue that people were inside. (Though I have no idea what the fuck her deal is. Why was a child left alone at the bottom of a building while mom dies up above is beyond me.) This is all unnecessary and wastes time in a movie that could lose at least thirty minutes and still be just as shitty and incomprehensible.

Also, maybe don’t tell us this is Bruce Wayne. I mean, sure, we know it is, but maybe just have it be a regular dude trying to get to this building for whatever reason. Maybe his wife is in there. And then we get the shot at the end where it’s Wayne Enterprises, and you go, “Oh, I get it, this guy’s trying to save his employees.” The fact that we felt for this guy as a human before we had the moment of, “Oh, that’s Bruce Wayne. We like Bruce Wayne,” allows the two to meld together to get you on the character’s side. But sure, this was good storytelling.

Not to mention the fact that he goes into this wreckage as Bruce Wayne and not Batman, even though he just fucking HELICOPTERED IN. It’s not like he was on his way. Because that’s what Bruce Wayne does on a daily basis — attends board meetings. Pretty sure if you’re Batman, and two aliens are fighting up in the sky… you’re showing up as fucking Batman. It’s never once hinted that he’s retired in any form, so maybe this could have made sense if we knew what the fuck was going on with him during all this.

Oh, and the mean look Bruce sends up at Superman — that’s supposed to represent him not liking what he did here. As if that and the ominous scoring and track in on his face were supposed to mean something. Way to be subtle guys. You might have warned me first. I’d have lubed up.

They do give us a good “I can’t feel my legs!” here though. That was nice.

And there’s that hilarious moment where Bruce is walking through the dust and is like, “What the fuck is this horse doing here?”

WTF Horse

I could use more of that in movies. Imagine a team winning the championship game and everyone runs on the field and out of nowhere there’s just a horse walking by and someone is like, “What the fuck is this horse doing here?” Like that moment in The Good, the Bad and the Ugly where Eli Wallach is like, “What the fuck is a dog doing in this graveyard?”

More movies should have people wondering why horses are present. I was wondering why most of the actors were present in this movie.

Then we immediately flash forward to eighteen months later, because who cares about story continuity? Nah, let’s not see Batman’s distrust and dislike of this alien god fester. Let’s just skip past that and take it as a given later, despite no story development or real cause whatsoever.

“Why does Batman hate Superman?”

“Well, Superman destroyed his building and then Batman gave him an angry look. That’s filmmaking, son.”

And now two random kids in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Not anywhere specifically. Just… “somewhere.” This is the nicest looking scene in the entire film, and clearly Zack Snyder’s way of apologizing for draining all of the color out of Man of Steel. Before he gives you like, a dozen other things he should be apologizing for.

The kids find a Kryptonite rock. This scene goes on for way too long. All the scenes in this movie go on for way too long. When you start cutting to multiple locations around the world, your story is growing in scope way too much and you’re losing sight of what it’s supposed to be about. It’s Superman and Batman. When your plot starts continent jumping you’re getting needlessly complicated. Which is this movie in a nutshell. All this other bullshit going on is manipulating the situation to engineer the title.

Then Lois Lane goes to interview a terrorist. Because apparently you can just get access to do that. And because apparently our main characters just really don’t matter. Never once do we find out how she managed to get this scoop, if she Sean Penn’d it with some burner phones, or put in a couple of emails to the guy’s blog, or even whether or not she put this trip on the company expense account.

Her first question to the guy is, “Are you a terrorist, General?” Not even a hello or anything. Which what kind of fucking reporter are you? You know he’s a terrorist. Why did you get black bagged in order to meet him? Do you think Tom Hanks black bags reporters interviewing him for a story? (That was a rhetorical question. Of course Tom Hanks does that.)

What are you gonna get out of that question? “I’m not a terrorist. I consider myself a teacher.” This character seems to only exist to be saved by Superman.

Also, “I’m not a lady, I’m a journalist.” Fuck you. I agree with the sentiment and like that line in theory, but fuck you. You’re in the Middle fucking East. That’s like interviewing a rabbi and him going, “You’re not Jewish.” And you go, “I’m not a goyim, I’m a writer.” Dude, you’re at a bris. Know your fucking surroundings. You could be a journalist all you want, but they don’t castrate you for being a journalist in the Middle East. (Though she does now have to stay ten questions behind him.)

Also, to be fair, “I’m not a lady, I’m a journalist” — jihad a good response.

The rest of this scene makes zero goddamn sense whatsoever until much later. Luthor has people there in the camp for whatever reason and he sets shit up so Superman arrives. Did he know Lois was gonna be there? Do we even care? Whatever. It’s some bullshit scene that exists only to introduce Superman. Maybe don’t add the extra plot stuff on top of it and just have it be Lois being too headstrong for her own good and Superman having to come in and help. It’s confusing as shit as is.

Oh, and I guess they shoot a character named Jimmy Olsen in the head. Which is a fitting metaphor for what this movie does to anything people hold sacred in regard to these superheroes.

Also — “nah, don’t kill her. We just used her as a patsy. She knows nothing about this.” So they just kill him and leave her alone. What the fuck is that about? Why does that make a fuck-all of sense? “That guy we just outed as a spy says she’s all right. I think we should trust him.”

Maybe if Lois were some world renowned journalist, I could buy it. But world renowned journalists don’t have to barter for extra legroom, do they?

Then there’s senate hearings. Because man, when I think Batman and Superman, I think senate hearings. Who needs action when you can see the Commencement of the Daily Sessions? Just like Bob Kane imagined. 

This movie starts off as interesting as a colonoscopy. You pay your money, wind up asleep within five minutes and in the end you know that something’s been in your ass but can’t be quite sure what.

Apparently they’re saying that Superman shouldn’t act unilaterally and they’re upset about whatever just happened in Africa. Even though it seems like only terrorists were killed. By bullets. Not to mention a really hypocritical thing to say. If Superman unilaterally stopped the next 9/11 from happening, we wouldn’t be having these hearings.

Too bad Superman couldn’t unilaterally stop this movie from being made.

Let’s also appreciate the gall of America to tell an all-powerful alien who could kill everyone if he wanted to that he shouldn’t act without running it by them first. That might be the most realistic aspect of this entire movie.

“Let the record know that this committee holds him responsible.”

Oh, well slap my dick and call me Admiral Willie! You hold him responsible. That changes everything! Even the African woman in attendance (did they fly her out? What was that like for her? Going from Africa to first class and a nice D.C. hotel? Did she get extra legroom?) is like, “Bitch, he won’t answer to you.” And by now we realize these filmmakers don’t answer to us. They don’t give a shit about us. They already know they have you.

Then, rather than show Batman, the only person we care about, or Superman, the guy we’ll accept, we see Lois Lane, back home. Because apparently no one cares that she was there at the site of a major international incident where a member of the CIA was killed and there are questions surrounding Superman’s involvement that she can help answer or has to debrief her or anything. Nah. She can just go back to her apartment and chill. And apparently have absolutely no story to write whatsoever after all that. I bet Perry White loves that.

Oh, but it’s cool, because she finds a bullet in her notebook, meaning there’s now at least another fifteen minutes of her looking into that shit that we have to watch rather than see our heroes do stuff. And she conveniently hides the bullet from Clark because… I don’t know. Because I guess that’s what the plot necessitates. Don’t worry. It’s not like he has x-ray vision or anything.

She’s also naked in a bath for this entire scene, which is purely so teenagers and comic book nerds can jerk off. We all need something to jerk off to. Unfortunately what makes me erect is a coherent plot.

Though I will say, when I need to figure out what the deal is with a bullet that was in my notebook from when I was at a major terrorist execution by shadow contractor guys, I do it naked in the bath.

They try to put some emotional bullshit onto this scene, but nobody’s paying attention to that, because Amy Adams is naked for the entire thing. You can have all the relationship shit you want, but there’s no way we weren’t all watching this and going, “When she moves over to the edge of the tub you can almost see full boob.” That’s all I do in these scenes. Watch to see if the cameraman slips up and ends up capturing some nipple in the shot. Especially when the scenes suck as bad as the ones in this movie.

I wish I’d jerked off during this scene. I’d certainly have a lot more to show for it.

I also kept wondering how they showered in this apartment, with a freestanding tub, no shower head in sight, and no curtain anywhere. But who cares, right, because Superman about to get his Super Dick WET!

Which is apparently depicted by having his glasses (that he doesn’t even fucking NEED) thrown on the floor and be splashed with water. Move over, Alfred Hitchcock, there’s a new sexual imagery honcho in town.

I’d also like to point out that in this scene, Lois says they had senate hearings for what happened in Africa, and Superman says, “I don’t care. I don’t care what they’re saying.”

So Superman is a sociopath. And then he says he doesn’t care what happened because “the woman I love could have been blown up or shot.” So now we know he’s willing to let people die to save her. And even though she has severe doubts about his ability to be Superman despite being in love with her, it’s okay, because he gets her a flower.

Then we haphazardly cut to a Batman scene, because why the fuck not. A group of chimps throwing darts at a board could have edited this movie better than the maniac with a hatchet who cut this.

Batman is in a random house, probably for the gang bang, and the cops show up. And we follow the cops inside, because it’s not like one of our main characters is in the house or we know how he operates. Nah, let’s see the people we’ll never see again and use them as a point of view.

They also set Batman up like a fucking horror villain. It’s all ominous and shit. Motherfucker, WE KNOW WHO HE IS! Is Batman that scary that women would literally choose to remain in slavery than be on the loose in the same building as him? Weird, weird way to introduce the character.

Here’s a question: is he a vigilante, is he not a vigilante? We really don’t spend any time wondering how the Gotham police are reacting to this. Also, looks like he’s been operating as Batman the entire time. Shouldn’t he have come back as Batman because of Superman?

I’d have liked it way more if he was just a businessman, and then the Metropolis incident, coupled with the increase in Gotham crime, brought on by Superman now being in Metropolis (all the criminals are funneling here, as Superman doesn’t seem to give a shit about Gotham. Or apparently anywhere that isn’t Lois’s vagina), and the inherent danger of Superman and a series of things going on makes him unretire. But what do I know. Though maybe that’s what actually happened in the EIGHTEEN MONTHS YOU PEOPLE SKIPPED OVER FOR NO REASON.

Here’s another question — how come the cops show up right as Batman has gotten there? The cops go downstairs and Batman is still upstairs fucking up some guys. The cops ain’t moving that fast. They got the call a while ago. How could Batman take that long to clear this house? And who called it in? This is a rundown house in a seedy part of town. And not just any town — GOTHAM. No way the cops are rushing to get there so fast that Batman is still there taking care of his shit when they arrive. Not on a call. Maybe on a, “Hey, did you hear that, let’s check it out.” No way does that make any sense.

Also, the entire scene before Batman shows up takes way too long. I don’t care about the Thai hookers in the basement. Normally I would, because time is money, but I’ve got bigger fish to fry. Like that creepy ass moment where Batman is just hovering on the wall like he’s trying to take a shit in a gas station bathroom without touching the toilet seat. One of the worst looks I’ve ever seen Batman have, and I’ve seen him with nipples.

Then we casually find out that Batman is essentially having people murdered by branding them. It’s indirect murder, because once in prison, the brand means that these guys are sex traffickers and the lowest possible scum, so they invariably get killed in prison by other criminals, who I guess have some sort of moral code despite also being psychopaths. So pretty much you just brand anyone with a bat symbol and have them murdered in this town. But why dwell on that when we have actual plot lines that don’t make sense.

And of course Batman doesn’t seem to care about any of the other murderers and thieves that are hanging around Gotham. Just the sex traffickers who may or may not have some info on this one lead that tangentially involves something that might come in handy to hurt Superman one day. Pretty much all crime is left to happen while Batman is fucking around with Superman. Also kinda great that Metropolis and Gotham are a harbor away from one another, kinda like the boroughs, and yet… Batman just lets all crime in Metropolis exist. And vice versa for Superman. Though Gotham is clearly the crime state of the bunch, isn’t it?

Now we meet Alfred, played by Jeremy Irons, not getting nearly enough screen time. He seems to be an electronics genius who only wants Bruce to settle down and have some kids and speaks in platitudes. “Even you got too old to die young.” That’s the kind of line they put in just to exist, even though it had no bearing on a scene or anything.

Then Alfred does an actorly tongue twister into the microphone. What is he? Special ops or a thespian? Pick one, assholes. By the way, Alfred should not be left in the garage, working on Bat Lightning. You realize we never really see him outside of the Batcave, right? His role is about the size of a tangerine.

And now we introduce a Russian, because sure. That’s what we need, more secondary villains. And some stupid code phrase. Turning this movie into more of a generic thriller than I ever thought capable. He says something about a dirty bomb, but that’s clearly bullshit. Even Alfred seems to know it’s bullshit. But since none of this makes any fucking sense and I don’t care about any of it, we’re just kind of left clueless and waiting for shit to happen.

It’s then made explicitly clear that Batman is having people killed, for those who will try to argue that the brand doesn’t mean Batman is murdering people. “Everything’s changed,” Alfred says. A throwaway line. Because he then segues it into a teaser trailer monologue.

“Men fall from the sky. The gods hurl thunderbolts. Innocents die. That’s how it starts. The fever, the rage. The feeling of powerlessness. It turns good men cruel.”

What? What is happening right now? It’s like they had a shitty script where everything was explained in the most obvious way possible, and then they brought in a real writer to make it more heady and dramatic for the actors (Affleck), and that turned it into this shit. What the fuck is that line? What does that have to do with anything?

Superman eats organic eggs, by the way.

Oh, right Lex. Forgot about him. Lex Luthor in this movie is played by Jesse Eisenberg and a shitload of cocaine. The one thing I noticed on second viewing is that this is technically Lex Luthor Jr. So really you could just introduce another one and retcon the shit out of it.

I must also mention one line that irked the shit out of me so much I remembered it above almost all others in this movie. Eisenberg is telling a story about his father and says, “I think it was providence that his son… me…”

I know that was uncalled for, but that’s how I feel when I hear lines like that in movies.

Seriously, why? Why did we need that? We know who his son is, you just established that twice already within the previous twenty seconds. That’s the kind of thing that makes me want to set things on fire. And EVERY studio movie does it now.

The funny thing about this scene is that he’s giving all his secrets to the government and yet is gonna do what he wants (and is doing what he wants) anyway. This makes zero sense. Also, he needs an import license, but can only get one from Holly Hunter? Aren’t there other members in the government? She’s a fucking junior senator. I’m pretty sure you can get one from the military or someone else. Did anyone think this one through? He asked, utterly rhetorically.

Oh, and — there’s a bunch of radioactive material in the Indian Ocean that we can get and weaponize against Superman. She doesn’t want to grant the import license, yet… perfectly willing to leave it just sitting there for whomever to get? Guess it’s a good thing China doesn’t want to kill Superman, huh?

Then he talks about how there are probably more “metahumans” and yet doesn’t bother to show all the evidence that he has, or that, you know, Kryptonite is only for Superman. I’m not really sure what the purpose of any of this is.

There’s also stupid subplot with the crippled security guard. Which I do not give a single fuck about. He defaces a statue? Who the fuck cares? And then later he’s gonna blame Bruce for all this for whatever reason, even though he might not actually blame Bruce for this and it’s just Lex making it seem like — honestly, I’m just gonna move on before get the urge to step off this ledge.

Also, they say he’ll never walk again. There’s no way you’re telling me you can’t give him Lieutenant Dan legs. You’re Bruce fucking Wayne. You have a manservant who made you a costume that can basically fly. But it’s okay, it’s not like this movie can make any less sense. It’s not like we’re about to watch a billionaire force feed a jolly rancher into a senator’s mouth.

Jolly Rancher

I like that he can’t get an import license, but can get Zod’s body, full access to the ship and plays a weird jolly rancher power game with whoever the fuck this guy is (they never tell us, but I assume he’s senate or military).

Jolly Rancher Power Game, by the way, is not only my safe word, but is also the name of my second album.

Also, slow motion of Lex walking into the Kryptonian ship — why? What is with Zack Snyder and slow motion? Stop it! The movie is two and a half hours, we don’t need you to make it longer. As I watched this movie, I was very cognizant of the fact that a full hour could have been cut out and not much would have changed, except that maybe I’d have been less shitty about the whole thing.

Plus, he’s walking into the ship alone, with a briefcase. Any reason why? Either he knows way more than he should, or he’s the biggest fucking hipster in the world. Why are none of his people allowed onto this thing? Why do we never see his people? So he wouldn’t have to have them all murdered after they completed his nefarious experiments?

Then Bruce Wayne attends a Mandingo fight.

I mean, he does.

There’s that weird moment during the fight where he whispers to the one guy, apparently telling him just how to win the fight, which I guess the guy couldn’t do on his own? Batman the white savior. Twice now, if we’re keeping score.

And then he has this crazy proverb-off straight out of Ocean’s Twelve, which is apparently pretext for Bruce to clone the guy’s phone. I too, when secretly stealing the contents of other people’s phones, turn mine over for all to see while the screen says “Device cloning successful” in big, flashing letters.

There’s a real interesting scene here too, where the editor of a newspaper is like, “Ehh, who gives a shit about Batman. Write that bullshit about football. No one’s reading these papers anyway.” So on the one hand, he acknowledges the slow decay of long form print journalism and the rise of digital media, yet he still seems to care what’s put in these papers that no one is buying anyway.

“The American conscience died with Robert, Martin and John.”

Oh, well let’s break out the fucking Dion then. This apparently is the reason everyone in this movie is a fucking sociopath. 

But none of this scene really matters, because then we get a joke about Lois wanting extra legroom on a flight to DC. Who the hell needs extra legroom on a flight from New York to DC? That’s like 90 minutes tops. Not even your jokes make sense. You could say I’m overanalyzing. I say I’m paying attention to the only parts of this movie I’m interested in. Maybe Lois will accidentally board that Malaysian plane and make things more interesting.

Oh, and “recovered from the firefight in the desert.” Do we know she was there? Who knows, who doesn’t? Even the gimmes in this movie are hazy.

Now Lex and Holly Hunter are having a meeting at his home. Because I guess that’s how government business is conducted.

“The red capes are coming.”

How stupid is this dialogue? It all boils down to “more of these aliens are coming, and I’m being cryptic to set up a sequel.” That’s Jesse Eisenberg’s entire character in this movie. Plus cocaine.

Also, Holly Hunter, who doesn’t like Superman, doesn’t want him to be murdered. Because that makes sense and is expanded upon.

This is why we hate the government. “I’m not saying an all-powerful alien is a bad thing. I’m just saying, let’s talk about it first and figure out if this is the right thing to do or not.” I hate to speak against the logical ones, but she’s clearly a democrat. The democrats want to talk and not act and the Republicans are fucking crazy and have already nuked some shit.

And then Batman has nightmares. Because okay. I guess that’s the only way you can introduce those other villains. And make him seem more complex. Only problem is, none of his fucking nightmares make any sense. (Also, the script calls them Knightmares. Which, I think we can all agree — fuck you.) Random flying things hinting at other villains. Why would he know about them? Why would he be psychic like that? This is hurting my head. 

Oh, and Bruce has a lake house. And he’s fucked a random woman. But who cares, right? The film sure doesn’t. There’s even a throwaway line about him being an alcoholic. Which we don’t expand on at all. Or the fact that there’s clearly an interesting differing of philosophy between Bruce and Alfred, where Bruce would rather do things as Batman and Alfred reminds him to be more like Bruce. If only that were a major part of the movie that could lead to why he doesn’t kill Superman later…

The zip code for Lex’s house is Lake Placid, Florida, by the way. Way to get the small details accurate.

Bruce stares at the Batsuit like it means something. And we get a reference to a dead Robin and the Joker, which is shoehorned in there for no reason and means nothing because we’ve seen exactly none of this and have no idea what’s going on in this guy’s head. And then he passes by what seems to be Wayne Manor, which he hasn’t lived at in years? Maybe explain the shit you show us, or else it serves no purpose.

Now we have the dinner party scene. Where it makes no sense for Lex to know all about Clark being Superman and Bruce being Batman. But sure. And the fact that no one picks up on his obvious knowledge of who they are is also strange. Oh, and Wonder Woman is here. Because okay. And Superman has no idea who Bruce Wayne is at the start of the scene. And he’s a reporter. But apparently he just instinctually knows he’s Batman. As does Wonder Woman. Anyone else pick up on that? They just fucking know who he is.

Here’s where Lex is revealed to be insane and a narcissist, but who cares because Batman is doing shit. That speech he gives is so fucking crazy beyond the bounds of reason I don’t understand how everyone in that room doesn’t immediately know he’s the villain.

Superman is totally marginalized here as well. Oh, and I guess it’s so easy to hack into a dude’s secure server, because wires are just hanging there. The fact that I’m just rifling through problems and don’t even have the time nor the inclination to expand upon them says everything you need to know about this movie. There are so many problems I can’t even stop to make fun of them all. After a certain point it just gets sad.

Anyway, so Mercy knows Bruce is doing some sneaky shit but says nothing? Mercy, who was cast as Asian to get that China money. That’s a part of blockbusters today, pinpointing what element they deliberately put in there to get play in China. Mercy, by the way, also seems to know that Bruce is Batman. Why even have a fucking secret identity? And back to why she says nothing — you see a dude sneak downstairs and into your boss’s server room? And he pretends to be drunk and you’re just like, “Okay.”

Though I will give Affleck credit for what is clearly the ad-lib of, “I like those shoes.” That’ll be the one line from this movie I quote. My biggest problem with this scene is that not once but twice does he sneak downstairs and not one of the workers says anything.

“What’s your position on the Bat vigilante in Gotham?”

That’s subtle. And then Bruce talks against Superman, but doesn’t realize he’s talking to Superman. I’m not sure what the goal of this scene is. Did you think this was gonna be like Heat?

And then Eisenberg — “I love bringing people together.” Yes, he’s the one behind this. But why would this matter unless you knew who they are? I’m not sure what the purpose of this is except to give the audience a moment for these characters to be together under assumed identities and motivations. Luthor basically spells out that he knows Kent is Superman and that he’s the one behind this and yet we just kind of awkwardly cut to a wider shot as the moment ends and we move on as though it were an aberration.

This moment is actually the entire film in a nutshell. Theoretically we want to see this. But they just sort of throw everyone together without much real thought behind it, not even bothering to tie up the motivations to have any of it make sense, so the whole thing comes off as unintelligible and awkward, and we just kind of move on from it because, “Oh, it’s over now. I guess that just happened.”

And then Bruce gets to sneak downstairs again without anyone keeping tabs on him. Because I guess being caught once, pretending to be drunk and then clearly not being drunk in front of Luthor isn’t enough to make Mercy go, “Hey, you guys should probably watch him.” Or enough to have someone stationed downstairs to prevent the guests from sneaking into the server room.

Also kinda funny that the server room is next to the servers room, right?

Right?

And then Wonder Woman blatantly just steals Bruce’s server stealing shit. Because… she knew it was there? And then she just ghosts him. Well, it’s not like he’s the World’s Greatest Detective and can track her or anything.

And now Superman has to go save some people caught in the beginning of Spectre.

He saves a girl from a burning building when everyone else was gonna let her die and the senate is still like, “Well he could be dangerous.” Maybe just ask him point blank what his deal is and take him at his word. If someone’s on the planet who could murder everyone without much effort and he seemingly is living in peace among you and even helping save people, I probably wouldn’t consider him a threat, and definitely wouldn’t feel so bad just asking him what he’s doing. Because it’s not like you could stop him if he were dangerous.

And then that whole weird thing where he’s fucking a journalist. Maybe ask her about it.

Also, if you want people to tune out of your movie, have talking heads do news stories in the middle of your film. Why do we give a fuck what the media thinks about Superman?

And why does CLARK give a shit what they think? We watch him watching these news stories in disgust. That’s like reading your own reviews. I thought you said you didn’t care.

The montage itself looks nice, him pulling the ship and standing above the tsunami victims. The spaceship is a bit ehh, but the other parts are cool. Though I do wonder how that family painted the big ‘S’ on their roof in the middle of a giant flood. I know they digitally added a paint can there, but did these people really have the wherewithal to go and do that on the off chance that Superman would come save them? What does that say about God when the people were like, “Fuck that praying shit, bring on the man in the red underwear”?

Also, how the hell did Superman know about all these things? Did he just know the spaceship was going to explode before it did? And yet he didn’t see the wheelchair bomb coming…

Superman does know how to use Dropbox, though. So there’s that. And apparently the story on the football wasn’t published despite the game being days ago? And Perry somehow didn’t notice that his sports page was blank? And then Clark didn’t write about the Luthor benefit and instead was writing about Batman. How does this paper even function? Lois is going off to pursue leads in DC for three days and one of your reporters is ignoring two assignments to do whatever the fuck he wants. I’m starting to think that’s how this movie got made.

“Nobody cares about Clark Kent taking on the Batman.”

Especially not when it looks like this movie does.

And now Batman and Wonder Woman. Okay. They talk in codes about swords and shit and then we find out that Luthor has a naked picture she sent him or some such nonsense. It’s boring expositional tripe that I completely tuned out. They can’t even make the good scenes work. Scenes like this are like watching paint fuck.

Not to mention, the entire content of the scene is rendered moot three seconds after it ends. She tells him the stuff is military grade encrypted and gave it back to him since apparently she doesn’t know how to use the internet or find someone who can break it. Kinda weird you’d go through all that trouble to get the files (which, no you didn’t. Bruce went through all that trouble. You just kinda hung around and got lucky) and then, when you couldn’t hack them, you said, “Oh, well, I guess he doesn’t have it.”

That’s seemingly the content of the scene. The purpose is to get Batman and Wonder Woman to talk and set up the photo for later and also to get Bruce the drive back. But then, literally seconds after she says it was encrypted, we watch him fucking DECRYPT it. Doesn’t take that long. Though apparently long enough for another one of those stupid dream sequences.

I will admit though, that aside from not knowing what the fuck this whole thing is about, it looked good and had some nice action in it. Bruce is dreaming about getting the Kryptonite, and then he’s betrayed by some LexCorp people and then Superman soldiers murder the other soldiers, and then Batman is firing guns and murdering people, and then there are flying bugs. There’s almost a coherent element to this, and you could explain the flying bugs as just some crazy shit that happens in a dream sequence, but this is just so fucking nonsensical I can’t even try to put some sense onto it.

Let’s also mention the dream sequence WITHIN a dream sequence, that’s also something that happens in the future? Yeah, because that’s what your movie needs to make sense.

The Flash comes from the past (but only into Bruce’s dreams?) to say that Lois is “the key,” which is apparently something that will mean something later, but now is apparently there to make you think Lois’ death will make Superman a murderer? I can’t say it’s there to distract you from the fact that it’s Martha, even though we haven’t even fucking seen Martha yet.

Oh, but then, “Aww shit, I’m too soon.” Which, okay, sure, you fucked that up. But then you go forward with the message anyway?

“You’re right about him, you’ve always been right about him. Fear him. Find us. You have to find us.”

I’m not even gonna parse through what the fuck that means. Unless he’s like, “Oh shit, I’m too early. He’s still a xenophobic racist… Yeah man, hate that fucking alien. He’s a piece of shit. Oh, and when this is all over, you should get a team together.” That’s how I’m gonna interpret this. Because it’s easier than wondering just how much Drano to put in the Orange Juice to get that nice smooth feeling as it goes down.

And of course the files took exactly the length of time to decrypt as it took to have those two nightmares. Convenient. Then we find out the code name we’ve been using is actually the name of a ship. Which means that this must be coming next:

And now that the audience is caught up in all the bullshit, Alfred comes out with it. And Bruce admits that everything he’s doing is because he’s afraid of Superman. Which is fine. There’s relationship stuff with Bruce and Alfred that almost works. My real question is — so the Kryptonite is aboard the ship, which Bruce was tracking before Luthor met with the senators and asked for the import license. So if he was going to smuggle it in anyway what was the point of asking them? So he could piss in a jar?

“If there’s even a 1% chance Superman is our enemy, we must treat that as absolute certainty… but right now, he’s not our enemy.” Great logic there, Bruce.

“1% = 100%” — this movie

filmeditor christmas movies eye roll smh 1994

Based on this movie’s logic, I loved 100% of this movie.

“Twenty years in Gotham, Alfred. You’ve seen what promises are worth.”

Did Superman promise anything? Also, this hints at a backstory that I’d much rather be seeing now.

And there’s the stupid subplot about Amy Adams giving the bullet to Commander Lock. Because okay. My question is how she got that bullet on the flight to DC.

And now something is being imported at the docks that Batman is going to interrupt. Wonder where I’ve seen that before.

This sequence was the point in the film where I found myself going, “I wish this would end. I kinda want to walk out right now. I’m bored and I don’t care about any of this.” And when I don’t care about a scene with the Batmobile, there is a major problem with your movie.

There’s just wanton destruction in this scene. Batman kills people left and right. It’s like, rather than find ways to incapacitate them he just got bored and started killing them. The real problem with this scene is how inconsequential it is. He’s just gonna steal the fucking thing from LexCorp in like thirty minutes anyway. This is all to give us an action scene (of which we’ve had approximately none so far) and have our first showdown between Bats and Supes.

I did laugh though during the shot when Superman appears out of nowhere, and Batman is like, “What the fuck?”

Batman v. Superman

Thus begins one of the strangest encounters I’ve ever seen on screen.

[Superman rips the hood off the Batmobile and Batman stands up to face him]

“Next time they shine your light in the sky, don’t go to it. The bat is dead. Bury it. Consider this mercy.”

[Superman turns to walk away. Batman, feeling like an asshole and trying to get a word in edgewise–]

“Tell me–”

[Superman stops in his tracks, like, “Did this motherfucker just talk back to me?” He turns around, with that exact look on his face]

Batman v. Superman 2

“Do you bleed?”

[Superman, rather than dignify that with a response, flies away. Batman stares up at the sky for a good five seconds before realizing he never got to finish his sentence and sort of says to the air–]

“You will.”

So here’s how this seems to have gone down: Superman is tracking Batman. He knows it’s Bruce Wayne and can pretty much follow him at will. Check. He follows him to the docks, where apparently he doesn’t notice that a shitload of Kryptonite has just been imported into Gotham. Okay, sure. He then watches as Batman shows up and murders a bunch of guys and destroys a bunch of property and boats and stuff. He does nothing. I guess murder is okay to Superman, which we’ve pretty much established in this movie. As long as Lois is fine, let the animals lose their souls. And then he just kind of stands there as Bruce rounds a corner and lets him crash into him in order to make his point.

That part I’m fine with. That is what you’d do if you’re Superman. “You think you’re badass with your car and your gadgets? Motherfucker, I eat those. You cannot hurt me.” Completely get that.

But then he, with no prompting whatsoever — since Bruce doesn’t know this is Clark Kent at all. He has no idea what the fuck this guy knows of him or thinks about him — says, “You’re done now. No more Batman.” Which comes completely out of left field to him and the audience and to which Bruce rightly responds, “Fuck you.” Essentially.

He literally shows up like, “You know how the cops want your help with stuff? Well no, you’re done.” Which is weird in and of itself, because all he really saw was a picture of a dude who got killed in prison because he had the Bat brand. Which I’m guessing also had to be part of Lex’s plan. Have the guy murdered in prison so you could then send the photographs to Kent to get him to think Batman is dangerous, even though he somehow never sees Batman actually stop bad guys for real, and then also send those letters to Batman from Wheelchair Jimmy to make him pissed at Superman.

So the real question here is this — which guy that works for Luthor is the one who has to go out and buy stamps? They must make a fuck ton of Post Office visits. Who’d have thought a master plan would be so reliant on the U.S. Postal Service?

Anyway, Batman then drives home in his fucked up car (did no cops see this?), down the Bat Cave entrance in that lake house spot (which is cool, except the car is sparking and shit and there’s water going everywhere. That seems super dangerous), while the Kryptonite shows up to LexCorp. And the scene ends with an ominous shot of a tracking device, which is FUCKING POINTLESS BECAUSE BATMAN ALREADY KNEW LUTHOR WAS IMPORTING THE FUCKING THING. That’s like putting a GPS trace on a Best Buy truck and finding out it stopped at Best Buy. No fucking shit!

And then, press conferences. Just what I wanted.

“In a Democracy, good is a conversation, not a unilateral decision.”

What?

No seriously, what?

I also like how she “urges’ Superman to come to Capitol Hill. Because she can’t tell him to do shit. I wanna see the guy that serves Superman a subpoena.

And then Martha. Over an hour into the movie. If she were really that important, there would have been more of her. And less senate hearings.

I like how she’s telling her son he’s not really a killer and how she never wanted to give him over to the world. Straight Mrs. Bates shit. This is the real Making of a Murderer. The mother telling the sociopath, “No, it’s not you, they’re fucked up. You’re perfect! Now hand Mama her panties while I go dispose of that drifter in the icebox.”

And then she tells him, “Yeah, go ahead, be their hero and their Jesus, whatever they want. Or don’t. Because you don’t owe them a goddamn thing.” What? “Can Mary from some fish, Mama…” This is some serial killer shit right here.

And then we find out the bullet Lois found in her notebook (pause to remind everyone that means she physically went back to get her notebook from the ground amidst the dead Africans) was made by LexCorp. You know what the problem is there? The audience is way ahead of the characters. We already know what’s going on and some of the characters are still figuring it out. That’s bad writing. But who cares about that shit, it’s time for another Senate hearing!

Something tells me no real government building would allow a person to bring their own wheelchair into the place for the exact reason that happens in this movie. Pretty sure the chair either gets completely sniffed out by bomb detecting canines or they make him leave it outside and provide him with one. Just a hunch. Either that or security in this country is as lax as the logic in this film.

Here’s a question — people with no legs getting fitted for pants, do they get them specially made, or do the tailors go and cut the legs off and sew them up like a Buffalo Bill suit? Do you get a discount for basically getting half pants?

These are the things I’d rather think about than this movie.

Anyway, Luthor then confronts Senator Holly Hunter outside the room the hearings are going to be held in, because apparently she walks in the front door just like everyone else does and doesn’t have a side door to walk out of.

Also, side question — is this crippled guy actually sending the checks back to Bruce or is this Luthor fucking with him? You don’t know, do you? And that’s the problem with this movie. You have no fucking clue what is actually happening with any of it. And all you want is to see the flying guy fight the bat guy. Why can’t things just be simple?

Kinda fucked up that Superman’s mom has to keep working. You’d think he can find a way to not let that happen.

“Do you know the oldest lie in America, senator?”

No, you don’t look fat in that dress?

What would Donald Trump think of Superman?

Oh, I’m sorry, I’m supposed to be writing up how bad this movie is.

So Bruce gets these checks and asks his lackey why he hasn’t heard of this before right now, and the guy says, “I’ll get to the bottom of it.” And rather than get to the bottom of it, he comes back and says, “Another one came this morning.” That’s not an answer.

I’m not even gonna talk about how fucking crazy this senate scene is. Because I can tear it apart for days. Why does no one know what’s going on? Shouldn’t there be cameras everywhere? Did it just start when he showed up? Would they have started if he didn’t show up? What does everyone think is going on when the senator stops talking out of nowhere and looks all crazy for like thirty straight seconds before the room blows up? Seriously, if there are cameras everywhere and this is being broadcast to the world (and if it isn’t, why isn’t it?), shouldn’t they see that Superman had nothing to do with this? How did they get a jar of piss on the desk like that? Did he actually piss in a jar in the bathroom and hand it to someone to put on the desk? Who had that job? How does Holly Hunter manage to put it all together by a jar of piss and Luthor not being in the room? And how you would you know the wheelchair is the thing to explode?

I’m so confused.

Though the one thing I do like about this movie — every scene of devastation, there’s a horse!

Screen Shot 2016-07-31 at 9.33.39 PM

Anyway, rather than dwell on this moment, we cut to a break-in at LexCorp, where Batman has stolen the Kryptonite. Because apparently losing a security guard is the thing that tips Bruce over the edge into wanting to kill Superman. God, I hate this movie.

How would the police respond to Batman breaking into a building? I still don’t know where he stands in regard to the police. Do Gotham police cover for him? Because Metropolis police really should be considering him the primary suspect in a break-in that involved probable murders, based on the amount of bullets that were on the ground, and definite serious injuries, given how many people were wheeled out on those spinal boards.

Oh, but then we show the news that says the security guard is the bomber. So Superman is not a threat whatsoever now? I’m so fucking confused. We basically eliminated all that government shit and now the whole thing is simply about Lex and Batman and Superman. You can’t just throw away an entire plot line just because it suits you.

NONE OF YOUR CHARACTERS HAVE ANY MOTIVATION WHATSOEVER.

We then get a bullshit emotional Superman monologue that is meaningless, and a Lois monologue that is also meaningless. We’ve had no emotional stuff whatsoever. Seriously. He shows up, “I wanted to help. But it was stupid.” “It’s not stupid. It means something.” “Well maybe on my planet. But that blew up.” And then he flies away to go pout like it’s a Bryan Singer Superman movie. Fuck you, Clark.

And then here’s where the movie goes completely off whatever rails it was riding on. Lex is in the ship, and he assumes control or whatever, and then he creates an Abomination. Meanwhile Bruce does crossfit to train to fight Superman and we get our bullshit Justice League tie-in. I won’t even bring up all the questions there, because pretty much everyone else has asked them. (Though just one to start — did he actually carry Zod’s body in by himself?) Then there’s the weird scene where Kevin Costner shows up on a mountain and talks about a flood or some nonsense.

And now Batman has daddy issues. Just like we paid for.

“I’m older now than my father that ever was.”

Too bad this scene doesn’t mean anything. Because it should.

And then Lex kidnaps Martha. Because somehow he’s figured something out that. Honestly…

And now, the fight.

Somehow Luthor knew this would happen at this exact moment. That’s the most inexplicable part of this whole thing.

Only Lois Lane would get kidnapped while approaching her kidnapper. (Because white women often go up to the janitor to ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”)

Fun fact: it takes a full 43 seconds for the helicopter with Lois to circle and land on the roof of LexCorp.

Still kinda strange that Lex has like, no people around him during any of this.

Somehow he knows about her knowing about the bullet. I don’t get it. Not once have we proven that he’s a brilliant human being capable of understanding things that no one else can. So here it seems like plot conveniences that he just knows this stuff.

Then he pushes her off a building, which is a good idea in theory. But then he spins her around before he pushes her, and it just comes off as awkward.

And then Superman just knows she’s gonna be falling off that building and gets there instantaneously. But that’s something you expect with Captain Underpants.

“You came back. You came back for me.”

Fuck you.

And here’s where Luthor reveals his grand plan. He casually reveals that he knows Superman is Clark, and then spouts some random nonsense about God that I guess means Superman isn’t all powerful. He then says that he set up for Batman and him to fight. And that he was the one who “pushed” Batman’s feelings of distrust for Superman over the edge so he’d want to kill him.

So Luthor played on the jingoist inner feelings of a rich white guy in order to get him to do his bidding, which in essence means expelling an immigrant from the country. Sounds a lot like what happened outside of this movie too.

Can anyone explain why he wants Superman to fight Batman? No. No you cannot.

But he does make it rain naked pictures of Superman’s mother, so that’s something, I guess.

At which point Superman takes a play out of Batman’s book:

where-is-she

Then Luthor tells him if he doesn’t fight Batman, Martha dies. At which point Superman basically kneels before… not Zod.

Jesse Eisenberg should put a jolly rancher in his mouth now.

So now Martha is in the hands of the Russian gangsters (shouldn’t Superman know they probably have her at the docks?), the giant alien ship in the middle of the city is emitting electricity (shouldn’t everyone start evacuating and not standing there, watching it?), Wonder Woman is there (she looks nice), Lois is going back to work (shouldn’t Lex have had guys to, you know… kidnap her again once Superman put her on the ground?), and Superman tells Lois he’s gotta go kill Batman.

Meanwhile, while all this shit is going down and Bruce is setting up all his weaponry and standing in the rain to kill Superman, he finds the time to send Wonder Woman an email. Which is a scene I’d love to see. Just him waiting there in the night like an asshole, about thirty seconds of silence, and then, “Oh, shit.” He pulls out his phone and composes an email.

I also love that he has Wonder Woman’s email. What happens in like twenty years when she’s still the same age (all right, all right, all right) and he’s like, 70? He’ll be sending her emails like, “FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Superman Is a Really Chinese Agent!!!!!!!!”

The email he sends is also crazy. “I cracked that drive for you. I know you’re a couple hundred years old. So… what’s your deal?”

And then he sends her files of other superheroes, which is our obligatory world-building shit.

The Aquaman video is hilarious. It’s the underwater version of “Get off of my lawn!” Aquaman is the underwater Sean Penn. Beating up photographers.

Cyborg seems cool. Though it seems weird that you’d just have a torso of a dude you’re keeping alive. That’s pretty inhuman.

Oh but anyway, Batman is standing in the rain like an asshole. And Lois tells her boss (who tells her to go to the fucking giant ball of electricity that can kill them all) she’s fucking Superman. And now he gets her extra leg room. Because you’re goddamn right. “My boyfriend can kill you, you know.”

Okay, now here’s the fight that took 98 minutes to happen. And it’s almost as if the movie knows how fucking ridiculous that is.

here-we-are

It’s like when two people end up alone after all their friends engineered it so they could fuck, and then they gotta awkwardly be like, “Well… we’re alone now!”

Then Superman tries to talk reason to this irrational ball of hatred, and then Batman subjects him to the unbearable screeching of noise cannons. If ever there was an accurate representation of the internet in a single moment, this is it:

the-internet

Superman then says, “Don’t you understand? There’s no time.” And Batman says, “I understand!” and then Superman pushes him twenty feet away. What the fuck is that? He just agreed with you.

Also, this is an exact representation of the Idiot Plot. Where the entire thing could be solved if one character just fucking said what the situation is.

This is a bizarre fight. Superman’s like, “Motherfucker, I could have killed you already, just listen to me,” and Batman keeps throwing weapons at him.

Then he busts out the Kryptonite, which apparently makes Superman choke, which is weird? Shouldn’t it just make him mortal?

And then Batman taunts him like an asshole. Just fucking kill him. When you have to shoot, shoot, don’t talk. The whole thing continues to make Bruce Wayne look like an asshole. Never once does his side of the equation make sense.

There is a nice moment where Batman is punching Superman in the face and the punches get weaker and weaker, until Batman realizes, “Oh, shit.” And then Superman’s like, “Oh, yeah, you done fucked up royally now.” And then proceeds to not incapacitate him in any way. Shouldn’t he like, tie him up with pipes or something to force him to listen?

You know that moment in movies where a dog is coming to attack our hero and they have to quickly get their gun up to shoot the dog? That exact moment happens here with Batman, Superman and his Kryptonite shotgun.

kitchen-sink-1

And there’s the fucking kitchen sink.

kitchen-sink-2

If ever there was an accurate representation of what this movie does to its audience.

I like how Superman has that Kryptonite stink around him, like when your Sim doesn’t take a bath for four days.

Anyway, Batman then prepares to kill Superman

“I bet your parents taught you that you mean something. That you’re here for a reason. My parents taught me a different lesson.”

Pulling out is for suckers?

“Dying in the gutter.”

Oh, that’s not a bad lesson. I’ll teach that lesson one day.

Batman then plays the coolest version of tetherball ever.

“They told me the world only makes sense if you forced it to.”

Welcome to the DC Universe, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, but now the spear is out. And we get to the greatest moment in the history of cinema.

Lois choppers in at the exact right moment, knowing exactly where the two of them are. (I mean sure, she could have seen it, but still.) Batman is slowly coming over to kill Superman with a kryptonite spear.

“You were never a god. You were never ever a man.”

What was he then? Patchouli oil?

He then cuts Superman’s cheek with the spear, and proceeds to draw back for the final blow, when…

A lot has been made about this moment, and none of it is wrong. I can see where, in the early stages of planning out this fight, the idea that Batman and Superman’s mother has the same name, and there is some common ground there could have been an intellectually good idea. But holy shit, the way they went about it is openly laughable. Did you not laugh audibly when you saw this moment? Because I sure did.

It’s the fact that there’s no real context for Batman to hate Superman, and then he irrationally starts attacking him and plans on killing him despite Superman trying to reason with him (something he does not have to do), and then, out of nowhere, despite no reason getting through all this time, “What? Martha?”

The funniest moment is right when he hears the name Martha and goes, “What does that mean?”, and looks off to the side like, “Was that in the script? Is that really what we’re going with? Are we seriously ending this fight with the word ‘Martha’?”

martha

I will never not laugh when I see this moment. It’s so perfect. He’s as incredulous as I am. It gives me hope that Affleck was in on the joke.

And then he finds out Martha is also Clark’s mother’s name and stumbles around like a drunk for 15 seconds.

stumble

He looks like when they tell that one angry drunk at the party they’ve had too much and have to leave.

spear-chucker

Right, though?

And now everyone’s friends all of a sudden. Bruce leaves to go find Martha, despite her son literally having the ability to fly faster than the speed of both light and sound. And Clark goes to investigate the spaceship, where the media has gathered around like fucking morons. “Hey, you know that ship with immense powers we don’t understand that can kill us all? It’s emitting a lot of random electricity, so we should all go there and see what’s up.”

Granted, Superman does say, “Fuck you, you go to the ship. She’s my mother.” And then Batman says:

“I’ll make you a promise. Martha won’t die tonight.”

But she will get bat-kake’d.

Seriously though, she’s got ten minutes left before they kill her, and one of you guys can literally search the entire city in ten seconds.

Alfred’s tracked the Russian’s phone. How he knew it was the Russian is beyond me. He also told him to go exactly where they were last time. Did we need to hack a phone for that?

And then Lois throws away the Kryptonite spear, because we need stakes later and for no other reason.

Now Batman murders some people. He blows up multiple SUVs with at least three people around them caught in the blast. He then beats the shit out of a lot of guys in what feels like the only real “Batman” moment in the entire movie. The shot where he’s fighting the four dudes at once is legitimately pretty cool. Or when he punches the dude so hard his face hits the floor and his legs are still in the air. Or when he gets shot in the head at point blank range and nothing happens. This is the kind of shit we should have been seeing all movie.

Then there’s a weird Mexican standoff where the Russian guy threatens to kill Martha (which he’s being paid to do) if Batman doesn’t put down his weapon. So Batman murders him.

Every time they cut to Lois, all I can think is, “And here comes dumbass Lois Lane…”

And then he creates Doomsday, which he was gonna do all along. I guess the idea is to show Superman killing and then kill him in order to seem like the good guy?

Whatever, now we have giant CGI monster battle. It’s gonna get incoherent… well, more incoherent… from here on out.

Doomsday looks a lot like Abomination did in the Incredible Hulk movie.

The problem with Doomsday is that we don’t know exactly what his ends are. Just to fuck shit up? He sees the Superman statue and then realizes he’s the one to kill, but then assume he does that… what then?

And what did Jesse Eisenberg plan to do after that happened? Try to control this thing? Did anybody think this through? Apparently he was supposed to, since he planned this thing out all the way down to a jar of piss.

Then Wonder Woman walks off a plane to help them, even though… the plane was gonna take off despite alien creatures fighting in the skies around the area?

Superman then takes him into space so they can get nuked. I’m not gonna side one way or the other on that. I’m only gonna ask — so both of them get hit by a nuke… in space… and Superman stays floating out there and Doomsday falls all the way back to Earth and lands exactly on the island between Gotham and Metropolis?

Also, the best moment here is, “Projectile 1, impact, Striker’s Island, east of Metropolis.” And the other guy IMMEDIATELY jumps in with “That’s uninhabited!” I love how fucking quick they were to point out, “Don’t worry, nobody died this time!”

I’m also not sure how everyone knew immediately that Projectile 2 was Superman. When did they receive these distinctions? Who flipped that coin?

Then Doomsday grows horns. Because this isn’t even his final form. And the army, who should have known better from the start, realizes they can’t do anything to hurt this creature. How did you not realize that from the start? No fucking clue.

And then they realize the thing is Kryptonian, and only Kryptonite weapons can kill it.

“I’ve gotta get it to chase me. Back to the city. Back to the Kryptonite.”

What?

First off, the “back to the Kryptonite” is one of those audience marker lines that I hate. Second — why does it need to chase you? It’s not like you won’t be able to find it. Get the fucking Kryptonite without being chased by a monster trying to kill you and then go back to it. Why does having it chase you make any sense?

And now Superman is back. The sun bringing him back from a nuke strike is pretty cool. Not totally sure how the nuke hurt him to begin with (I’m guessing space had something to do with it), but I can go along with that.

Ben’s “oh shit” after he crashes is one of the pure moments in this movie that works. Not surprising most of the stuff that works is Affleck related.

Deus ex Amazon.

As overrated as it’s become by people looking to grasp onto anything passable in this movie, the Wonder Woman theme is pretty badass for the situation. Not entirely certain what kinds of powers she has, but now’s not the time to get into that.

I also like how casually Superman throws Doomsday into a power plant, as though we didn’t just learn that lesson with the nuke a minute ago. And Batman yet again reminds us that no civilians are around to be killed.

And here comes dumbass Lois Lane, about to drown herself like an idiot.

Then Wonder Woman gets her moment to square off against Doomsday. And it’s fine. As far as CGI monster battles go, it’s passable. And either fortunately or unfortunately, this is all intercut with Lois, needing once again to be saved by Superman. Because apparently she’s good for nothing else in this movie. Even Superman gives her a halfhearted “goddamnit, Lois” after he saves her and has to go get the spear for himself.

What I don’t get is how he almost dies getting the spear himself. It makes him mortal, not a fucking idiot. Does Kryptonite make you forget how to swim?

And then Lois throws the spear away like an idiot. Why the fuck do you think he went into the water? Just a casual dip before returning to SAVE THE GODDAMN WORLD?

I’m impressed that Wonder Woman is able to fight such battles in such a skimpy outfit. She must get a lot of scrapes. There’s also a weird moment where she gets thrown aside by the monster and smiles. Like, “Oh, I didn’t know you liked to get down like that.”

She also manages to cut off an arm, which grows back like nothing. Can Superman do that? Is that a thing? Regrowing limbs?

And then they stop the battle so Clark can say he loves Lois before going to sacrifice himself. This could be a tender moment… if the movie cared enough about the emotional stuff to set it up properly. You can’t just put a score underneath it and expect it to work.

And now the Golden Lasso thrown out like an afterthought. I guess this is ultimately better, instead of a big moment where they make a big deal of it. Here she just uses it because she has it. So sure, I’m fine with this.

Then Batman hits him with a PCP grenade and Supes flies the dagger into Doomsday’s chest. Was this drawn up? How’d you guys know when to run this play?

The worst part is, he stabbed Doomsday in the chest and then just hangs out there. Granted, it’s not that long, but if you stab something in the heart, you probably don’t need to stay there until it dies. Probably just assume it’ll get the job done or else you’re proper fucked.

Superman gets stabbed in the heart. But I think we can probably just throw him up in space and he’ll be okay. Then he drives the spear in further, which I guess is why he hung around? I don’t fucking know, let’s just get this goddamn thing over with.

Do we know why Doomsday emits electricity, or is it not worth asking about this close to the finish line?

So Superman is dead, and that football story is never gonna get written now.

Lois then shows up and sees Wonder Woman and has that half moment’s worth of, “Who the fuck is this?” Before she realizes the guy who just told her he was gonna go attempt a suicide mission actually died.

They drag it out, but pretty much just set up for the final shot of all of them standing over dead Superman. Too bad it’s too dark to really stand out as a good shot.

screen-shot-2016-12-30-at-11-39-59-am

Also had to find a way to throw that Jesus imagery in there, didn’t you?

And now they shave Lex’s head. Because… because he needs to end up bald to be Lex Luthor? Doesn’t quite work when you can see he’s got a legitimate full head of hair underneath.

They had to show you that Clark died too. Naturally.

The funeral for Clark in Smallville is interesting, since who the fuck is showing up? There’s all these cars outside. Whose are they? Just townspeople? Did Bruce Wayne pay people to show up at the funeral like Kirk Douglas in The Bad and the Beautiful?

And then there’s that weird moment of Martha giving Lois the wedding ring. Which is just utter nonsense. Ignoring the fact that the romantic angle was never played up at all — Clark mailed a ring to his mother in order to surprise Lois with a marriage proposal? When were they gonna go there? Was he just gonna fly her there at one point to propose? Why not just carry the fucking ring with you?

When he ends up alive, does the proposal still stand? How does that work? Does he have to actually ask her now? Does she just assume they’re engaged when he’s alive? Seems pretty shitty now that he’ll never get to officially propose to her.

Damn, old school Scottish funeral. Everyone’s getting plastered tonight.

They have this big funeral for Superman, but he’s gonna end up alive in the next movie. So do the taxpayers feel cheated about this big state funeral? Are they gonna have one of these every time Superman decides to fake die? Are they gonna treat Superman deaths like when my Uncle Jerry goes on a bender? “Oh, he’ll be all right in a few days.”

Also, is there actually a body there? Doesn’t seem so. So what did they put in the Superman casket? How did that go down? Did Bruce grave rob? I feel like Bruce grave robbed to make sure that went down. Because how the fuck did they put the real body in Ohio and get it away from the government?

They buried next to his father… who died during a tornado refusing help from his super son.

And here’s Bruce and Wonder Woman, setting up the next movie.

“I failed him. In life. I won’t fail him in death.”

You failed him? Motherfucker, you tried to KILL him. How did you fail him? It was your goddamn weapon that saved the world. How did you have anything to do with that? You failed on a lot of levels, but it certainly wasn’t him that you failed.

He asks her to help him find the others like him. Does Batman ever fuck Wonder Woman? That would be awesome, if these two fucked. Please set that up for the future.

She says, “Perhaps they don’t want to be found,” and Bruce is like, “They will, and they’ll fight.” Which is kinda fucked up. “Maybe these people don’t want their abilities to be known.” “Oh, don’t worry, they’ll be found out, and I’m gonna make them fight for me.” Bat-dingo.

“We have to stand together.”

“A hundred years ago, I walked away from mankind. From a century of horrors. Men made a world where standing together is impossible.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on a second. You walked away from mankind? Sure as shit looked like you were living just fine in there on those security feeds. You might want to clarify that statement. You may have walked away from helping mankind, but you sure as shit didn’t walk away from mankind. You know when you walk away from mankind? When you build an ice palace up in the North Pole and stay there most of the time.

“Men are still good.”

Let us all pause to appreciate the untruth to that statement.

“We fight, we kill, we betray one another, but we can rebuild.”

What? “Men are good. I mean, we fuck up everything, but we can fix it up after we fuck it up.” Not sure how that means what you said.

screen-shot-2016-12-30-at-11-54-51-am

Look at this asshole with his tinfoil candle.

“We can do better.”

Bruce says, right on time.

“We will. We have to.”

Uhh… okay.

Why are all these idiots standing outside mourning Superman? Y’all motherfuckers hated him like a week ago.

This is really big outpouring of grief. I haven’t seen something like this since…

lion-king-north-korea

Heartbreaking, you know?

screen-shot-2016-12-30-at-12-11-50-pm

Damn, I bet religion wishes it came up with that one.

(Though if they look around, isn’t a lot of stuff in ruins?)

Wait, what, we’re back to Bruce and Wonder Woman? Who edited this movie?

“The others like me, why did you say they’ll have to fight?”

butt-stuff

He actually says, “Just a feeling,” which at first I thought was a shitty nod to the audience like, “… because there’s a sequel being made.” But I realize this is actually meant to be related to his “knightmares,” and premonitions of some fucked up shit about to happen. Which is actually better for me, since it shows you how horribly rendered this whole movie was. They couldn’t even make that make sense.

Also Wonder Woman straight up walks away during this long ass look into the distance Bruce has. Ain’t nobody got time for your thousand yard bullshit.

And now Cokey McGee needs a sendoff. This moment is weird as balls. Batman makes the guards magically disappear and then goes to brand Eisenberg, but then decides not to for some reason. I’m guessing because he was as mystified by this next piece of bullshit as I was:

“But the bell’s already been rung. And they’ve heard it. Out in the dark, among the stars. Ding dong, the god is dead.”

What?

They’re referencing Darkseid, I’m told. Whatever.

The painting being flipped really seems to be a thing done only for the audience. Otherwise no one else will understand what that’s about. But sure, nice touch.

And Lois continues to stand over Clark’s grave… either that or we’re cutting back to something that happened before. The minute they hover on the grave, you already know where that final shot is going.

But holy shit, man. What an unwieldy mess this was. After all that, there’s really only one thing I can ask:

That about sums it up, doesn’t it?

What a fucking disaster from top to bottom. You have to admit that it’s kind of fitting that the best thing to come out of this movie are these two memes:

We began with sad Batman, and ended with sad Affleck. And the ones who suffered the most was everyone who had to sit through this piece of shit.

– – – – – – – – – –

11. Dirty Grandpa — I’m not gonna waste time dissecting this movie. It’s a piece of shit. We know it’s a piece of shit. We accept that it’s a piece of shit. The movie is predicated on gross out humor involving a grandfather. He jerks off, calls his grandson a pussy, fucks a 25-year-old and says stuff like “I’d rather let Queen Latifah shit in my mouth from a fucking hot air balloon.” There’s no point to any of this, and it’s actually the most embarrassing thing De Niro has ever done on screen. If this isn’t Unforgivable for the shitty comedy and unwatchable content, it certainly is for what it’s forced Robert De Niro to resort to in order to get work.

12. Norm of the North — Honestly, if I gave this more than a passing thought, I’d probably hate it. I just couldn’t find myself to muster enough anger to make this Unforgivable, even though it might have been one of the five or ten worst movies I saw this year. But I take solace in the fact that no one has seen this movie. The only reason you know about it is because people have made a show of including it on all their year-end “worst of” lists because critics shit all over it. But less than 30% of those people have even seen the movie. I’ve seen the movie. And trust me, it sucks. But as long as it’s just a piece of shit with no money behind it that’s ill-conceived and shabbily made, it doesn’t deserve to be Unforgivable. You know when it deserves to be Unforgivable? When a major studio is putting it out and it’s making hundreds of millions of dollars. This is just a terrible movie that we don’t need to bury since (presumably) somebody’s heart was in the right place. But it’s still terrible, so I have to put it somewhere. Bad is bad.

13. Mother’s Day — What a piece of shit. All these “holiday” movies are garbage. The entire main cast are people I do not like: Kate Hudson, Julia Roberts, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Aniston, Jason Sudeikis. Honestly the only people missing are Owen Wilson and Zach Galifianakis. I’ve got nothing to say about this except, garbage in, garbage out.

14. XOXO — This is everything I hate in a single movie: EDM/dance music, DJs, millennials, music festivals, and the themes of, “We’re young, and this is our time!” and “Music can change the world!” Fuck everything about this movie.

15. Masterminds — A movie written and directed by the guy who did Napoleon Dynamite, starring a cast of actors who get on my nerves. Big surprise this ended up here. Fortunately I didn’t work up enough hatred to put it on the top ten. That would have required me to talk more about it. This is just regular bad. The kind of bad we all recognize. So bad most people didn’t even bother to see it because they knew how bad it was without even looking. So rather than get angry, I saw this, hated it, and am moving on with my life. Any actual hatred I’d have worked up would have been manufactured. Let’s just stick with calling this a piece of shit never thinking about this movie again.

– – – – – – – – – –

16-25:

  • The Adderall Diaries
  • Allegiant
  • The Angry Birds Movie
  • Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Sword of Destiny
  • The Do-Over
  • Fifty Shades of Black
  • The Huntsman: Winter’s War
  • Miracles from Heaven
  • Mothers and Daughters
  • Ratchet & Clank

– – – – – – – – – –

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3 responses

  1. Now I am wondering if you are actually aware that Snyder kept going on and on in an interview about wanted a “heat scene” in the movie, but thinking that he couldn’t do it with both protagonists in masks because according to him you can’t do serious scenes with gravitas when people wear masks…..(who exactly thought that he would be a good fit for a Superhero movie????)

    December 30, 2016 at 4:12 pm

  2. BlueFox94

    From your thoughts on Popstar:
    “Friends have defended this by saying it accurately represents the music industry today. Which — no it doesn’t. It represents the awfulness of celebrity culture surrounding musicians. But what does that matter anyway? I fucking hate celebrity culture and the music industry. That’s like saying, ‘I know you hate peas, but here are some really fucking good peas.’ I don’t care. I hate peas, and I hated this movie.”

    =====
    Actually, those who tried to defend this film to you weren’t offering you the peas to end all peas, but rather something that shares your disdain for peas. But hey, thanks for at least considering that defense, because it reveals that you don’t the film for being what you hate. No, you hate the film because you hate being told what you already know without any new revelations attached whatsoever, which is completely understandable. And because the film (arguably) fails as a spoof film. Big differences.

    December 30, 2016 at 4:34 pm

  3. Lorelai Kilmore

    This is the best blog post I’ve read in a long time. Hilarious!

    October 5, 2017 at 5:36 pm

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