Oscars 2016: The 74th Golden Globe Awards
The Golden Globes were last night. Did anyone notice? Or was it all football and orgies for most of you?
These are the 74th Golden Globes. Which means that next year will be an anniversary. Where they will do absolutely nothing different and I will yet again hype myself up into thinking the show will be worth watching and then be bitterly disappointed in how boring it is and how it could only be fun if I were there and drinking with everyone in the room.
Anywho, I “live-blogged” the show, which basically meant I sat down and drank and made comments throughout, most of which were written down in some form. Either by me, or by someone else who told me it was funny and sent it to me in writing because I was too drunk to pay attention at that moment as I said it out loud while pouring another drink. This should make for a fun time.
Here is my recap of the Golden Globe Awards:
I turned on the coverage right at the end of the red carpet, where someone said, “I love a good slit.” So that was a good way to start.
We all love a good slit, don’t we?
They did the La La Land musical number, which was a wise choice. And they beat the Oscars to it. This is the first time they’ve had a decent opening to the show in… ever.
Also tells me La La Land is gonna win every award there is to win.
Did they trot out Nicole Kidman? Is that who that was?
Amy Adams. Sarah Paulson. Evan Rachel Wood. Rami Malek. The kids from Stranger Things? I didn’t catch half the people, honestly. But they’re making fun of their shows. Almost all of which I haven’t watched. So I have no idea what the fuck they were referring to. But I’m sure it was fine.
The Reynolds bit was nice. They have been getting drunk since 3, though.
I’ve only been getting drunk since 5, because it’s part of my game. Start drinking just as it’s about to start, and see if the show can hold my attention long enough to keep me from getting plastered before it ends.
The Timberlake bit was nice. Ish. Though honestly I approve of any major awards show being watched by millions of people that does something non-heteronormative.
Did we really have a false start to this show because the prompter is down?
Way to improvise, Jimmy. Why not just start laughing? Isn’t that what you do during live bits?
“One of the few places left where America still honors the popular vote.” Trying not to let the logic part of my brain say anything, because that is decent.
Crowd work already? Then what did you need the prompter for?
The Chris Rock bit was nice. I hope he wrote it.
Weird that they’re going more political than movies here. Especially since Jimmy Fallon is the least political talk show host there is.
What if Putin hacked the Oscars, though? What if Nine Lives gets nominated?
Quest Love DJ’ing? Okay.
Ryan Reynolds and Emma Stone. They better write good banter for these two. Always start off strong.
Or not. Weird choice, to just have them present the category.
Best Supporting Actor
Mahershala Ali, Moonlight
Jeff Bridges, Hell or High Water
Simon Helberg, Florence Foster Jenkins
Dev Patel, Lion
Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Nocturnal Animals
Winner: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Nocturnal Animals
Might we have a situation where the Globe winner isn’t nominated for the Oscar for the first time in forty years? SAG didn’t nominate him. This will be interesting.
This isn’t very fun so far at all. Do they have bits planned or something? Is that why? They’re racing through categories with absolutely no jokes whatsoever.
Best Actor in a TV Series — Drama
Rami Malek, Mr. Robot
Bob Odenkirk, Better Call Saul
Matthew Rhys, The Americans
Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan
Billy Bob Thornton, Goliath
Winner: Billy Bob Thornton, Goliath
We all love Billy Bob. I’m okay with this.
They clearly only voted for the actor and not the show, because who the fuck knows what show this is anyway?
You think maybe Amazon bribed them? That could be the case too. Let’s monitor this.
“These days, there’s a lot of really talented people.” Were there none in the old days?
Van Johnson reference!
This is a great acceptance speech.
This show is pretty terrible so fa… oh, Helen Mirren commercial.
I’m sorry, what was I saying?
Did that announcer just call Hugh Grant a Golden Globe winner already? Did they just spoil that category? Or is this a very poorly coordinated show?
People forget how good Hugh Grant is. He’s fucking great in that movie too.
Best Actress in a TV Series – Comedy/Musical
Rachel Bloom, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Sarah Jessica Parker, Divorce
Issa Rae, Insecure
Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin
Tracy Ellis Ross, Black-ish
Winner: Tracy Ellis Ross, Black-ish
Something tells me this is gonna be a good speech.
That Black-ish table looks like it’s the best table in the room.
The Golden Globes, more than any other awards show, have a real dedication to cutting to other people throwing shade at the winners. And I appreciate that.
This show is on ABC? Really? Had no idea.
Best TV Series – Musical/Comedy
Mozart in the Jungle
I guessed that. They like giving it to new shows.
He just thanked “black folks.” I approve of this.
I forget. Are all the Globe shows this boring or am I usually drunk by this time?
What if Eagle-Eye Cherry was President of the Hollywood Foreign Press?
The President of the Hollywood Foreign Press seems like a cool guy.
Vince Vaughn. He’s cool. He works when the material’s good. Very underrated though. One of those guys who could surprise and get an Oscar nomination for a dramatic performance one of these days.
Nicole Kidman’s got the boys out. Too bad she froze her face.
Best Actress in a Miniseries or TV Movie
Felicity Huffman, American Crime
Riley Keough, The Girlfriend Experience
Sarah Paulson, The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story
Charlotte Rampling, London Spy
Kerry Washington, Confirmation
Winner: Sarah Paulson, The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story
She better thank OJ.
I’ve seen her in interviews, though. She’s awesome. She might.
Awkward cut to David Schwimmer clapping.
Nice use of the word “inimitable.”
Cuba Gooding Jr. is drunk. Shocker.
She didn’t thank OJ.
Please make that joke, Reese.
Oh, come on! It was right there!
Best Miniseries or TV Movie
The Night Manager
The Night Of
The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story
Winner: The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story
WILL SOMEBODY THANK OJ?!!
Written statements are not fun.
Please, Scott or Larry, please run up and thank OJ.
Or Cuba. Cuba’s drunk. He’ll do it.
Nobody thanked OJ. You’re playing into the bit.
Please, one of the writers, I beg of you, give Fallon the line. It’s sitting right there!
Or even better, please tell me Chris Rock is there and gonna do it. Holy fuck, that’ll bring down the house.
(Note: Not Bringing Down the House, with Queen Latifah. That was a piece of shit.)
20th Century Women, an afterthought, but actually a quietly good movie.
Nice use of Devo in the montage.
There’s a Last Tycoon show? Like, based on the book?
Naomi Campbell is on a show? Okay. That’s cool.
Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Miniseries or TV Movie
Sterling K. Brown, The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story
Hugh Laurie, The Night Manager
John Lithgow, The Crown
Christian Slater, Mr. Robot
John Travolta, The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story
I hope Hugh Laurie was just putting bets down on who’d win when they cut to him. I’d totally do that.
Winner: Hugh Laurie, The Night Manager
Yeah, Hugh! They love his speeches.
“The last ever Golden Globes.” Nuclear holocaust joke!
“I don’t mean to be gloomy, it’s just that it has the words ‘Hollywood’ ‘Foreign’ and ‘Press’ in the title.” I love him.
Wait, why orchestration playing him off? YOU HAVE QUEST LOVE! Make him play “Let Me Clear My Throat” or some shit. Play something that makes you boogie off stage rather than talk.
And now Sofia Vergara stumbles through an overly written piece of English.
“An anal tradition.” Oh, I see. That’s the joke.
Who’s Miss Golden Globes this year? They should have a gay kid do it. That would really be inclusive and a nice fuck you to the alt-right.
Stallone’s daughters. Okay.
And now two music people. To do the music categories. Natch.
La La Land
Johann Johannson sounds like a fake name I’d make up at a herpes clinic.
Michael Vick knows what I’m talking about.
Winner: La La Land
Shocker. The musical wins.
This is one of those situations where if you’re betting, you get 20 cents for every dollar you bet. This shit was locked, even for HFP.
And now for Song. Let’s see this shitshow.
Is Lin Manuel there? That could change things. Since it looks like they’re all in on La La Land.
“Can’t Stop the Feeling,” from Trolls
“City of Stars,” from La La Land
“Faith,” from Sing
“Gold,” from Gold
“How Far I’ll Go,” from Moana
Winner: “City of Stars,” from La La Land
Yup. They’re all in on this one. This is gonna be a real awkward Oscar season.
“We have to calm down, we’re so nervous.” I love these guys.
This Kathy Bates commercial is amusing.
And now, John Legend. Because we can.
I hope he performs the La La Land song. That’s supposed to be the “sell out” song, but is fucking awesome. It’s like how the Devil part of “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” is the better part of the fiddle battle.
More fiddle battles in song.
This is a weird freestyle. Just introduce Michael Keaton.
Is this what Jimmy Fallon is doing instead of jokes? Awkward freestyling? What a white person thing to do.
Best Supporting Actress
Viola Davis, Fences
Naomie Harris, Moonlight
Nicole Kidman, Lion
Octavia Spencer, Hidden Figures
Michelle Williams, Manchester by the Sea
Winner: Viola Davis, Fences
She should roll to an easy win. Naomie Harris could provide some competition, but I doubt it. She’s overdue in everyone’s eyes.
“Remember the love” is a great thing to say to people.
That was a walk off speech. Good job, Viola. Drop that fuckin’ mic.
I LOVE THAT THEY PUT CUBA UP ON THE MIC.
Damn, Kristen Bell.
Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries or TV Movie
Olivia Colman, The Night Manager
Lena Heady, Game of Thrones
Chrissy Metz, This Is Us
Mandy Moore, This Is Us
Thandie Newton, Westworld
If Thandie wins, Cuba gonna grope the shit out of her.
Winner: Olivia Colman, The Night Manager
She wasn’t there, either. She ain’t winnin’ no more.
For those keeping score: Migos: 1 thanks, O.J., 0 thanks.
Yeah, bring out the little Lion boy. Awesome. He was great in that movie too.
He has no fucking clue what’s being said at all, does he?
No, he does not. And it’s utterly charming.
Jimmy Fallon is doing a terrible job at hosting.
Goldie Hawn is so high right now.
Unless this is a bit. The same kind of bit they’ve been playing on the whole time. Which isn’t particularly funny.
I’m not sure if the bit is supposed to be that people can’t read or the prompter sucks. Either way, your show isn’t working.
Best Actor – Musical/Comedy
Jonah Hill, War Dogs
Colin Farrell, The Lobster
Ryan Gosling, La La Land
Hugh Grant, Florence Foster Jenkins
Ryan Reynolds, Deadpool
Colin Farrell ain’t got time for your bullshit.
Jonah Hill looking thin this year. He got that Oprah fluctuation going.
Winner: Ryan Gosling, La La Land
Oh shit. This shit’s a done sweep. I’m gonna have to apologize for this movie for the next eight weeks now.
“Damien and Emma, this belongs to the three of us.” Don’t worry, they’re both gonna win soon enough.
That was a really beautiful speech, too.
Oh shit, Stevie Wonder is there. You think he liked The Red Turtle?
Oh, Felicity Jones.
Hell or High Water
La La Land
Manchester by the Sea
Nice. Say the winner in Spanish. This is what awards shows should be for the next four years. Subtly putting things the Trump crowd doesn’t like into awards shows without making overt notice of it.
Winner: La La Land
Oh NO. A musical never wins for a script!
I’m gonna start apologizing for this movie winning everything now.
Don’t waste the speech now, Damien. You’re gonna be back up there in an hour for Director.
Despicable Me 3? Did we really need to?
You waited this long to let banter happen?
This is good banter, but a little too late.
Might have been better to let Carell’s bit sit, but one-upping works too.
Best Animated Feature
Kubo and the Two Strings
My Life as a Zucchini
Obvious. Come on.
“We wanted to entertain kids but also speak to adults.” Like… every animated movie?
And now Jimmy Fallon to not tell jokes.
Oh shit, the dead people montage.
Not even the dead people montage. The Carrie and Debbie montage. So two dead people montages then?
That commercial just made it seem like the entire Founder movie is basically a conversation of, “McDonalds.” “You should franchise it.” “No.” “What?” “No.” “Yes!” And honestly, they’re not wrong.
There’s a game show called The Wall? That seems appropriate in this political climate.
And now Casey Affleck. Did he come from a hassidic jewelry store in Brooklyn?
Thor and Wonder Woman. Is this allowed?
Gal Gadot is a gorgeous woman.
Best Foreign Film
No cheering here. No one saw these movies.
Do we get Verhoeven? Maybe he’ll pull his dick out and liven up the joint.
Why are you not playing him off? You played off Hugh Laurie and not the fucking Foreign Language winner?
And now, after the rape movie… Trolls!
I don’t get it, was Fallon’s writing staff the ones who wrote this show? Were they hamstrung by the lack of a game to play with the nominees? Where are all the goddamn jokes?
Best Actor in a Miniseries or TV Movie
Riz Ahmed, The Night Of
Bryan Cranston, All the Way
Tom Hiddleston, The Night Manager
John Turturro, The Night Of
Courtney B. Vance, The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story
Winner: Tom Hiddleston, The Night Manager
That seemed obvious, after the other two.
How does Taylor Swift feel about this?
This story isn’t great. Vince Vaughn looks like he’s falling asl… oh, no, that’s just Vince Vaughn.
He just told a long story that sounded like he was complimenting his own work. That’s the epitome of this show right now. Too long, not interesting, and essentially patting itself on the back.
If they brought out Ricky Gervais right now, it would be like when Billy Crystal came out during the Franco/Hathaway debacle.
THAT’S your joke? Manchester blooper reel?
Even the camera men are falling asleep.
And now Jake Gyllenhaal. to introduce Deadpool. Because okay.
Oh, right, because they’re in that space movie together. That you didn’t announce at all.
And now Laura Dern.
Jon Hamm’s ad-lib was more entertaining than the written stuff they gave him. It wasn’t particularly funny, but that’s how bad the written stuff is.
Best Actress in a TV Series – Drama
Caitriona Balfe, Outlander
Claire Foy, The Crown
Keri Russell, The Americans
Winona Ryder, Stranger Things
Evan Rachel Wood, Westworld
Love the suit, Evan Rachel Wood.
Winner: Claire Foy, The Crown
Did I guess that? I think I might have. Sober me got one!
If you’re wearing several thousand dollars’ worth of designer clothing and jewelry, you don’t get to be surprised if you win.
We should all thank John Lithgow.
Best TV Series – Drama
Game Of Thrones
This Is Us
Winner: The Crown
The way they double up these categories, it makes the outcomes seem really obvious.
Peter Mogran did The Crown? He did The Queen and The Crown? He can make a living out of royalty word titles.
The best thing this show has given me was the ability to focus on my drinking instead of what’s going on.
And just in case you thought the show was running long… here’s a twenty minute tribute to Meryl Streep.
AKA every Golden Globes show.
There’s a McDonalds commercial using a bad cover version of a Cyndi Lauper song. That’s not a joke, just an observation.
Why does Meryl Streep in Viola Davis’s story sound like Prince on Chappelle’s Show?
“I can only imagine where you go, Meryl, when you disappear into a character.” New Jersey?
Right, put A Prairie Home Companion in the montage, as if anyone knows what the fuck that movie is.
Did you just play her on with ‘Mamma Mia’?
Meryl should just get up and say, “Man, fuck all y’all,” and then walk off. And who could argue?
She lost her voice in lamentation?
Meryl just showed us how she could out-prepare all of us. She’s got dossiers on everyone.
Meryl Streep 2020.
Colin Farrell must be having such a shit time, not being able to drink.
Denzel looks like he’s practices pretending to be awake for 20 years.
Meryl is the only one who could take down Trump and get away with it.
It’s a dicey proposition when you’re gonna quote Tommy Lee Jones.
“Perfumeries.” Good word.
And now Chris Pine. He’s really good looking. It’s almost unfair.
‘Almost’ because I am also really good looking.
And now the cast of Live by Night. It takes a fleet to announce Best Director? Why not just Affleck? You know, a winner in this category.
Damien Chazelle, La La Land
Tom Ford, Nocturnal Animals
Mel Gibson, Hacksaw Ridge
Barry Jenkins, Moonlight
Kenneth Lonergan, Manchester by the Sea
I’m honestly not even paying attention at this point. I’m so lost in my drunk.
Winner: Damien Chazelle, La La Land
Of course he won.
Also, I’m not kidding about this. I actually am fucking shit-faced right now.
We’re mentioning Chaplin now? I heard Chaplin somewhere in there.
Best Actor in a TV Series – Comedy
Anthony Anderson, Black-ish
Gael Garcia Bernal, Mozart in the Jungle
Donald Glover, Atlanta
Nick Nolte, Graves
Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent
Winner: Donald Glover, Atlanta
He’s gonna be Lando.
And now Matt Damon.
I feel like I may have missed stuff. I wasn’t paying attention for a while.
“Hello, everybody back at the bar.” It’s like he’s speaking into my soul.
Great, he’s making the joke we all made last year. The Martian not being a comedy. But it works. Because anything attempting humor at this point is okay.
Best Actress – Musical/Comedy
Annette Bening, 20th Century Women
Lily Collins, Rules Don’t Apply
Haley Steinfeld, Edge of Seventeen
Emma Stone, La La Land
Meryl Streep, Florence Foster Jenkins
And “newcomer” Meryl Streep.
Winner: Emma Stone, La La Land
I met her recently (I sound like such an asshole). She’s the best.
She really is the best, seriously. She deserved this. She deserves all the awards. I wouldn’t be upset if she won the Oscar.
And now Pierce Brosnan.
“Pierce Brosnan is Irish. This movie is Irish. There you go.” That’s the Golden Globes logic I know.
“Drive It Like You Stole It” is the underrated song of the year. It’s gonna be a shame when they don’t nominate this in favor of some bullshit animated song the big studios campaigned for. Like Sing or whatever.
What? An Einstein show? I bet the hairstylist for that one came in their pants when they heard about it.
Brad Pitt, executive producer of Moonlight, they said, to remind you that behind every great black film is a white man.
“Chastain and the Redmayne.” There are no words.
Nice dress, Chastain.
Best Picture – Musical/Comedy
20th Century Women
Florence Foster Jenkins
La La Land
Winner: La La Land
As if there were any doubt, based on how the rest of this show went.
If you take away the border states, Deadpool won in a landslide.
Did they say anything good in the speech? I was making another drink.
And now Brie Larson to give out Best Actor.
Best Actor – Drama
Casey Affleck, Manchester by the Sea
Joel Egerton, Loving
Andrew Garfield, Hacksaw Ridge
Viggo Mortensen, Captain Fantastic
Denzel Washington, Fences
Winner: Casey Affleck, Manchester by the Sea
Yup, yup, moving on.
Matt Damon passed on this? Damn.
DON’T PLAY OFF THE BEST ACTOR WINNER. MAKE BETTER TIME. You let Verhoeven speak as long as he wanted to.
“I remember years ago when Denzel was on stage.” Last year?
“He said ‘God is love’. And I agree. I guess.” Brilliant, Casey. Just brilliant.
There is a severe lack of Judi Dench at this awards show.
Meanwhile, Hepatitis C.
Oh yeah, Jimmy Fallon is still here.
Why hasn’t he played Lenin yet?
Best Actress – Drama
Amy Adams, Arrival
Jessica Chastain, Miss Sloane
Isabelle Huppert, Elle
Ruth Negga, Loving
Natalie Portman, Jackie
Winner: Isabelle Huppert, Elle
Well that was a bold choice.
That’ll make things interesting.
Big night for rape. From one survivor (bear) to another (human).
STOP PLAYING OFF THE GODDAMN WINNERS OF THE BIG AWARDS. They’re the ones that are supposed to get the time.
Oh shit. Carl Weathers and Sly? Okay.
Carl Weathers looks awesome for 70. And outside of the plastic surgery, so does Sly.
Best Picture – Drama
Hell or High Water
Manchester by the Sea
That feels like an afterthought. It’s like eating a shit ton of junk food and then going, “Look, broccoli.” Typical Hollywood move.
He just thanked Twitter and Instagram? Is this where we’re at?
Still nobody thanked OJ.
– – – – – – – – – –
So those are your Golden Globes.
Moonlight and La La Land are still the favorites to win. La La Land was always in the lead. This doesn’t change anything except the perception, which could, of course, swing everything in the other direction if they don’t like it. But since we haven’t even gotten PGA nominations or Oscar nominations, that doesn’t mean a whole lot.
Casey Affleck should be an easy Best Actor winner. Viola Davis should be an easy Supporting Actress winner.
Best Actress feels like it’s kind of open right now, but I’m not making any statements until I see where SAG goes. BAFTA still has to announce too, which I think is tomorrow.
Best Supporting Actor only gets interesting when the nominations come out. If Aaron Taylor-Johnson is nominated, then we’re talking. If he’s not, then we have an interesting statistic and we’re back to probably assuming Mahershala Ali is the favorite. SAG is gonna help a lot there too. That’s the only moderate surprise of the evening, and it’s probably because we’re so early in the process.
Anyway, let’s see what happens. Tomorrow is where it gets interesting. PGA and BAFTA and then all the other guilds (except Sound Editing. We’re always stuck flying blind on them.) The next week is gonna be spent figuring out what it means for Oscar nominations.