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Five Word Film Reviews (2016 Edition)

One of my favorite traditions I’ve started on this site is coming up with these Five Word Film Reviews. It’s my version of the Six Word Short Story. I came up with one by accident, thought it was funny and said, “What if I did this for every movie this year?” And here we are.

Some examples of five word film reviews from last year, to give you an idea of what we’re going for: Beasts of No Nation — Child Soldier Sees Some Shit; The Danish Girl — Hawking Cuts His Dick Off; A Very Murray Christmas — And a Happy Bill Year; Spring — Before Sunrise with Squid Monsters; Everest — Climbing Mountains Usually Ends Badly; Rock the Kasbah — The Shareef Don’t Like It!; Terminator Genisys — Hasta La Vista, Terminator Franchise; Straight Outta Compton — Crazy Motherfucker Named Ice Cube.

I think you get the idea. It’s a fun exercise to try. And of course, me being me, I try it 400 times. And because this year I forgot to start working on it throughout the year, I had to come up with shit to say over like, two weeks. That was fun. The words “hot off the presses” are an understatement with this one.

Here are five word film reviews of the movies I saw in 2016:

2015 + Unreleased Films

The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared — Because It Was Twelve Stories

All Things Must Pass: The Rise and Fall of Tower Records — Working There Sounds Real Fun

Babysitting 2 — French Hangover; Lost in Brazil

The Bad Batch — Wonderfully Surreal Cannibal Love Story

Before I Wake — Don’t Put On This Movie

The Brand New Testament — Catherine Deneuve Fucks a Gorilla

The Bronx Bull — That Bad Raging Bull Sequel

The Connection — French French Connection. So… OHH!!!

Dad’s Army — Dad Needs a Marigold Hotel

Embrace of the Serpent — What a Great Porno Title

Family for Rent — Or: Take My Family, Please!

From Nowhere — Immigrant High Schoolers Seek Papers

Hitchcock/Truffaut — The Master Talking About Movies

James White — Worthwhile Indie That Nobody Saw

Janis: Little Girl Blue — A Piece of Janis’s Heart

Long Way North — Girl Travels to North Pole

Look Who’s Back — Spoiler: It’s Hitler. Hitler’s Back.

The Lure — Vampire Mermaid Musical. Not Kidding.

Mr. Pig — Danny Glover and a Pig

The Odyssey — Incredibly Bland Jacques Cousteau Biopic

The Search — Watch the Original Zinnemann Instead

Queen of the Desert — Surprisingly Weak Werner Herzog Movie

Trespass Against Us — Gypsy Criminal Really Wants Out

A War — Denmark’s Foreign Language Film Nominee

January

The Forest — Fortunately It Wasn’t Straight Horror (or: Still Not Very Good, Though)

Anesthesia — Ensemble, Slightly Pretentious N.Y. Indie

Diablo — High Plains Drifter, With Satan

Lamb — Adult Befriends an Underage Girl

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi — Surprisingly Not Shitty Bay Movie

Ride Along 2 — Maybe Stop Taking Him Along

Norm of the North — Pure Greatness; Move Over Pixar

Band of Robbers — Tom and Huck, Modern Day

Moonwalkers — Ron Weasley Fakes Moon Landing

The Benefactor — Average; And That’s a BeneFact! (or: No, I Don’t Have Shame)

The 5th Wave — The First Four Sucked Too

The Boy — Doll Has Gender Identity Preference?

Dirty Grandpa — Maybe… I Dunno… Bathe Him?

Exposed — The Most Boring Porno Ever

Fifty Shades of Black — FUCKING STOP IT WITH THESE

The Finest Hours — Generic Disney Coast Guard Drama

Jane Got a Gun — See Jane Get That Gun

Kung Fu Panda 3 —  They’re Really Still Making These?

Grease Live! — Best Choreographed TV Special Ever

February

The Choice — Stop Making Nicholas Sparks Movies

Hail, Caesar! — The Coens Do Classical Hollywood

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies — Title Pretty Much Covers It

Michael Jackson’s Journey from Motown to Off the Wall — Off the Wall Is Fire

Regression — Stupid Shit About Satanists… Maybe?

Misconduct — Generic Lawyer Thriller; Cable Watch

Deadpool — The Superhero That America Deserves

How to Be Single — Pretty Much Just… Do Nothing

Zoolander 2 — Fuck This Unholy Goddamn Franchise

11.22.63 — Started Strong, Then Lost Me

Touched with Fire — But Like… Sexually. Sexy Fire.

Race — Wasted Jesse Owens Biopic Opportunity

Tumbledown — Generic “Grieving Widow” Type Indie

Forsaken — Donald and Kiefer Sutherland Western

The Night Manager — le Carré Is Always Watchable

Risen — Morning Wood, But With Jesus

Eddie the Eagle — Everyone Loves a Talentless Underdog

Gods of Egypt — I Sure Miss The Mummy

A Country Called Home — I’ll Always Watch Imogen Poots

Standoff — Surprisingly Solid Little B Movie

The Mermaid — China Makes Very Different Movies

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Sword of Destiny — Embarrassing Sequel To a Masterpiece

Triple 9 — Another Disappointing John Hillcoat Effort

March

Knight of Cups — Terrence Malick Doing Terrence Malick

London Has Fallen — Gerard Butler Stabs More People (or: “They Should Have Brought More”)

Zootopia — Animal Racism Is Very Bad

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot — Taliban Shuffle Was Better Title

The Wave — Small Scale Norwegian Disaster Movie

Trapped — Douchebags Make Abortion Restriction Laws

Me Him Her — Max Landis Amuses Only Himself

The Brothers Grimsby — Sacha Baron Cohen’s Diminishing Returns

10 Cloverfield Lane — Contained Thriller Ruined By Aliens

The Young Messiah — Young Jeezy; Religious Movie Bullshit

Lolo — Julie Delpy’s Version of Cyrus

My Golden Days — Very Nice Little French Movie

The Program — Lance Armstrong Was a Dick

Remember — Most Hitchcock Movie of 2016 (or: See This Movie Real Soon)

Krisha — Wayward Aunt Fucks Up Thanksgiving

Creative Control — Gorgeously Shot; Complete Hipster Bait

Hello, My Name Is Doris — Sally Field Becomes a Hipster

Eye in the Sky — Drone Or Not to Drone

Pee-wee’s Big Holiday — Did He See Any Movies? (or: Did Anyone Get That Reference?)

Allegiant — Honestly, Why Even Finish It?

Miracles from Heaven — More of That Religious Bullshit

The Preppie Connection — Reverse Robin Hood with Drugs?

The Confirmation —  Taken, But with a Toolbox

The Bronze — Gymnast Says “Fuck” a Lot

Midnight Special — The Close Encounters of 2016

Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice — HA HA HA HA… Martha

Too Late — Noir Told in Single Takes

Get a Job — Get Off My Fucking Couch!

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 — Four Greek Weddings and a…

Born to Be Blue — Jazzmen Did A Lotta Drugs

I Saw the Light — OH MY GOD, IT BURNS! (or: A Mediocre Hank Williams Biopic)

April

The Dark Horse — Bipolar Chess Champ Teaches Kids

Miles Ahead — Respectable, Yet Not Fully Successful

Everybody Wants Some!! — I Fucking Love Richard Linklater

April and the Extraordinary World — I’ll Watch Anything Hand Drawn

Kill Your Friends — Marry Your Enemies, Fuck Everyone?

One More Time — We’re Gonna Celebrate — Daft Punk

The Boss — Melissa McCarthy Movies = My Joker

Hardcore Henry — Action Film Shot Entirely POV

Demolition — The White Guy Grieving Process

Louder Than Bombs — Generic Indie Family Drama Stuff

Mr. Right — Max Landis Romantic Comedy (Yeah…)

The Invitation — Hate When Friends Join Cults

Barbershop: The Next Cut — How’s This Not a Series?

Criminal — Ryan Reynolds LOVES High Concept

The Jungle Book — Forget About Your Worries And…

Colonia — Guys, Don’t Join a Cult

The Trust — Just OPEN IT! OPEN IT!

Green Room — Patrick Stewart Plays Professor 卍

I Am Wrath — What Were Your Parents Like?

The Adderall Diaries — Can They Fix My Computer? (Or: Absolutely No One Got That)

Sing Street — Feel Good Movie of 2016

The Huntsman: Winter’s War — Frozen, But With Child Slavery

Elvis & Nixon — Move Over, Bob And Bing…

Holidays — Boring Ensemble Seasonal Horror Anthology

A Hologram for the King — What Did the Queen Get? (or: Was It Lupus? Was It?)

The Meddler — Susan Sarandon’s Daughter Hates Her

Tale of Tales — Fucked Up Italian Fairy Tales

Precious Cargo — More Precious Than Hot Cheetos?

Nina — Will the Sequel Be ‘Pinta’?

Keanu — Key, Peele and a Cat

The Driftless Area — Great Cast, Really Boring Movie

Special Correspondents — Ricky Gervais Fakes a War

The Man Who Knew Infinity — Like, Knew It Biblically, Or…?

Ratchet & Clank — Anyone But Me Watch This?

Term Life — Directed by ‘Christmas Story’ Kid

The Family Fang — Walken Saw Your Titty Shots

Mother’s Day — More Holiday-Themed Movie Bullshit

May

Captain America: Civil War — Should’ve Been Set in 1865

A Bigger Splash *Fiennes Dancing to ‘Emotional Rescue’*

Being Charlie — Guy Gets His Shit Together

Mothers and Daughters — The Porno Version Is Better

Money Monster — This Needed a Paddy Chayefsky

The Darkness — Another ‘Vengeful Spirit’ Horror Movie

Last Days in the Desert — Jesus Should Have Done Peyote

High-Rise — Snowpiercer in a Tall Building

Love & Friendship —  Whit Stillman Doing Costume Drama

The Angry Birds Movie — Why Does This Exist? Honestly.

Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising — Not Worthless, As Sequels Go

OJ: Made in America — Possible Doc of the Decade

The Nice Guys — Shane Black Writes Great Movies

Maggie’s Plan — Waterloo Was a Bad Idea

Weiner — My Mayor Has a First…

The Do-Over — *Puts Shit Emoji Five Times*

Alice Through the Looking Glass — It’s Called a Monocle, Jeremy

X-Men: Apocalypse — The Destruction of a Franchise

June

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows — Headline: “Turtles Officially Come Out”

Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping — I Think You Should Stop

The Witness — Getting Closure on a Murder

Me Before You — Cute Woman Cares for Paraplegic (or: Quick Guess How It Ends)

Approaching the Unknown — One Man. Alone. In Space.

Urge — What I Do Every Weekend

Hitler’s Folly — About When He Bought Alaska

Blackway — Ray Liotta Is a Crazy Stalker (or: Oh, You Meant the Plot)

The Conjuring 2 — Couldn’t Conjure a Better Movie?

Now You See Me 2 — Suggestion: Sequel = ‘Now You Don’t’

Warcraft — Biggest Animated Movie of 2016

The Music of Strangers — More Like Yo Yo Ma-gnificent!

King Jack — Pretty Solid Coming-Of-Age

De Palma — Director Talks About His Movies (or: Sometimes It’s Just That Simple)

Genius — Overstuffed Weinstein Failed Oscar Bait

Central Intelligence — Tagline: Little Hart, Big Johnson (or: That’s Better Than the Movie)

Finding Dory — Maybe Just Stop Losing Fish

Raiders! The Story of the Greatest Fan Film Ever Made — Someone Should Swede This Movie

Tickled — 2016’s Most Fucked Up Documentary

Weiner-Dog — Best Tracking Shot of 2016

The Fundamentals of Caring — Shouldn’t It Just Be… Do?

Hunt for the Wilderpeople — The Cult Comedy of 2016

Eat That Question: Frank Zappa in His Own Words — Iconoclast Does What He Wants

Breaking a Monster — No, This Is Not Porn

The Phenom — Pitcher Stuck in His Head

Swiss Army Man — The Infamous “Farting Corpse” Movie

The Neon Demon — Refn: All Visuals, No Plot

Free State of Jones — McConaughey Helps Slaves; Solves Racism

The Duel — Woody Allen Is Killing Mexicans (or: Oh, I Meant Woody Harrelson) (or: I Guess Either Way, Really)

The Shallows — Blake Lively Vs. A Shark

Independence Day: Resurgence — Good Morning. In Less Than…

July

The BFG — For “Big Fucking Giant,” Right?

The Legend of Tarzan — Way Too Many Gorilla Fights

The Purge: Election Year — This Is Sadly Too Prescient

Life, Animated — This Movie Isn’t Animated Though

Our Kind of Traitor — So… a Goodfella of Treason?

Marauders — Another Bruce Willis Paycheck Movie

Dear Eleanor — BITCH YOU OWE ME MONEY

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates — Mike and Dave Need Lobotomies

The Secret Life of Pets — Less Knife Fights Than Expected

Captain Fantastic — Homeschooling, the Viggo Mortensen Way

Zero Days — See, What Had Happened Was…

Cell — The Happening, With Cell Phones

Fathers and Daughters — Daddy Issues Plus Extreme Melodrama

Ghostbusters — I Ain’t ‘Fraid-o No Ghost

The Infiltrator — Not About a Giant Dildo (or: Well, Then Count Me Out)

Undrafted — Meaningless Game with Huge Stakes

Equals — People Without Emotions Find Love (or: Starring Kristen Stewart. Get It?) (or: She Actually Stars In This)

Café Society — More Tired Woody Allen Stuff

Ice Age: Collision Course — How Is This Still Going?

The Childhood of a Leader — Papa! Let’s Murder Jews Today!

Lights Out — Accurate Title. I Fell Asleep.

Train to Busan — Korean Zombie Movie; Not Bad

Phantom Boy — Can His Spirit Jerk Off?

Rebirth — ‘The Game’, But with Scientology

Don’t Think Twice — Not Enough Gorilla Fights

Star Trek Beyond — The Valley of the Dolls?

Indignation — Jewish Boy Goes to College

Tallulah — Ellen Page Steals a Baby

Gleason — Football Player Gets ALS; Heartbreaking

Viral — Some Sort of Worm Invasion

Can We Take a Joke? — Well, Based on Election Results…

Hooligan Sparrow— China’s a Fucked Up Place

Nerve — ‘The Game’, But with iPhones

Equity — B-Movie Version of Margin Call

Bad Moms — Bad Moms. Even Worse Storytelling.

Jason Bourne — HOW’D YOU FUCK UP BOURNE?!!!

August

Suicide Squad — RIP D.C. Universe (2016-2016)

Nine Lives — Kevin Spacey Becomes Family Cat (or: And Christopher Walken; Just Cause)

Little Men — Boys Grow Up in Brooklyn

Five Nights in Maine — Is Four Nights Too Many

Pete’s Dragon — Aww Yeah. Bitches Love Dragons.

Florence Foster Jenkins — Meryl Streep Can’t Sing, Does (or: It’s Like Me with… Everything)

Sausage Party — Come For the Food Puns (or: Stay For the Food Orgy)

Anthropoid — Assassination Attempt Ends Very Badly

Joshy — Friends Cheer Up Depressed Guy

Hell or High Water — Sticking It to the Banks

Ben-Hur — Why Would You Remake This?

War Dogs — Bros Sell Guns to Government

Kubo and the Two Strings — Most Gorgeous Film of 2016

Morris from America — Black Kid Living in Germany

Lo and Behold, Reveries of the Connected World — Werner Herzog Talks About Computers

Imperium — Harry Potter vs. the Nazis

Spaceman — Baseball Player Really Liked Drugs

A Tale of Love and Darkness — Jewish Kid Remembers His Mom

Hands of Stone — Is That Legal in Boxing?

Don’t Breathe — That Will Kill Me, Karen

The Hollars — Dying Relative, Family Reunion Indie (or: Nothing You Haven’t Seen Before)

Complete Unknown — Essentially: “New Identity, Who Dis?”

Blood Father — Mel Gibson Kicks Some Ass

Kate Plays Christine — That’s Literally What This Is

XOXO — Millennial Hipster Music Festival Bullshit

The Intervention — Friends Tell Couple to Divorce

The Sea of Trees — The Equivalent of Taking Antidepressants

Southside with You — Barack & Michelle’s First Date

Mechanic: Resurrection — Jason Statham Kills More People (or: Oh, He’s Always Doing That)

September

The Light Between Oceans — Good, Old-Fashioned, Unabashed Melodrama

Morgan — It Should’ve Been Morgan Freeman (or: It Should Always Be Him)

Yoga Hosers — Canadian Girls Fight Nazi Sausages (or: No… Seriously… That’s the Plot)

Zoom — Not the Tim Allen Movie

White Girl — Lots of Cocaine, No Consequences

Kickboxer: Vengeance — Live Free or Kick Hard

Skiptrace — Jackie Chan Doing His Thing

The 9th Life of Louis Drax — So… Eight Relatively Good Lives?

Sully — Tom Hanks Lands a Plane

Other People — Brutally Personal Movie About Loss

Ithaca — Meg Ryan’s ‘Human Comedy’ Remake

The Disappointments Room — Lives Up to Its Title

When the Bough Breaks — Black ‘Hand That Rocks Cradle’

The Wild Life — Animated Robinson Crusoe with Animals

Kicks — Don’t Fuck with My Jordans

Blair Witch — Adam Wingard Ruins His Momentum (or: Why Would You Do This?)

31 — Weird Rob Zombie Horror Movie

Wild Oats — Old Lady Spends Insurance Check

The Beatles: Eight Days a Week — Those Boys Could write Music

Tanna — An Indigenous Romeo and Juliet

Mr. Church — It’s ‘Cooking for Miss Daisy’

Snowden — The Government Watches You Masturbate

Bridget Jones’s Baby — What Happened to Her Diary?

ARQ — Groundhog Day, But with Murder

I.T. — Fatal Attraction With Computers, Kinda

The Magnificent Seven — Unnecessary Remake of a Masterpiece

Storks — Storks Must Deliver a Baby

Queen of Katwe — African Girl Becomes Chess Champion

My Blind Brother — Disabled, and a Huge Asshole

The Dressmaker — High Plains Drifter with Backstitching

Deepwater Horizon — Patriots Day, But at Sea

Denial — Woman Must Prove Holocaust Happened

American Honey — Hipsters Sell Magazines. Somehow Captivating.

Masterminds — No. A Thousand Times No.

Flock of Dudes — Guy Divorces His Best Friends

Crisis in Six Scenes — Woody Allen Remakes American Pastoral

A Man Called Ove — Grumpy Old Man Makes Friends

Amanda Knox — Seattle Girl Murders Her Roommate(?)

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children — Burton’s Home for Bland Movies

October

The Birth of a Nation — Vanity Project That Got Overhyped

The Girl on the Train — The Train Needed Some Snakes

Voyage of Time — Tree of Life’s Sloppy Seconds

The Great Gilly Hopkins — Troublemaker Warms to New Family

The Siege of Jadotville — Not Bad for Netflix Fare

Late Bloomer — Guy Hits Puberty… at 30

13th — Cops Don’t Like Black People

Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life — Just Wait Until High School

Desierto — Crazy American Hunts Mexican Immigrants

Blue Jay — Beautifully Acted, Low Key Romance

The Accountant — What a Completely Ridiculous Premise (or: Can’t Wait For “The Actuary”)

Mascots — Christopher Guest Doing Christopher Guest

Good Kids — Overachievers Have Fun Before College

Max Steel — Is This Some Kinda Porno?

Little Sister — Goth Nun Movie We Needed

Christine — News Reporter Loses Her Shit

Miss Hokusai — Famous Painted Observed Through Daughter

Certain Women — Another “Meh” Kelly Reichardt Movie

American Pastoral — More Characters Named “The Swede”

First Girl I Loved — High School Lesbian Love Triangle

The Rocky Horror Picture Show — Doing The Time Warp Again

Trumpland — Remember When This Actually Happened?

Keeping Up With the Joneses — The Joneses Really Should Die

In a Valley of Violence — The Armed Man Is King?

I’m Not Ashamed — You Really Fucking Should Be

Sky Ladder — Do You Guys Remember Pogs?

Boo! A Madea Halloween — Does Madea Have Diabetes? Seriously.

Tower — People Like to Murder People

Fire at Sea — Documentary That Feels Like Narrative

The Young Pope — Can He BE Any Younger?

The Handmaiden — Mystery Thriller Plus Lesbian Stuff

Moonlight — Most Intimate Film of 2016 (or: Every N****r Is a Star)

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back — …To Making These Movies Again

Ouija: Origin of Evil — Did We Really Need This? (or: The First One’s The Origin!)

The Whole Truth — Is That This Movie Sucks

Into the Inferno — Herzog Goes Into a Volcano

Oasis: Supersonic — They Did So Many Drugs

Before the Flood — Spoiler Alert: We’re Pretty Fucked

I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House — I Am the Boring Film…

Inferno — Another Fucking Dan Brown Movie

November

Doctor Strange — Are We Done with Marvel? (or: I’d Like to Be Done)

Bleed for This — Charismatic Boxer Breaks Neck, Returns

Hacksaw Ridge — Pacifist Fights Without a Weapon (or: Mel Gibson Could Always Direct)

Army of One — Nicolas Cage Finds Bin Laden

The Eagle Huntress — This Is What Pokemon Is

The Ivory Game — Killing Elephants Is Pretty Bad

Trash Fire — There Goes That Autobiography Title

Trolls — Yeah… How ‘Bout… Hard Pass.

Loving — Interracial Couple Just Wants Peace

Arrival — Amy Adams Saves the World (or: And Also Does Something Awful) (or: You Wanna Make a Baby?)

Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk — Could’ve Used a Longer Walk

Bastille Day — Idris Elba Not Playing Bond

USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage — Jaws Monologue Becomes Cheap Thriller

Shut In — Yeesh. (And Four More Words.)

The True Memoirs of an International Assassin — Kevin James Is the Assassin (or: I Know… No One Tried)

Elle — French Woman Raped… Likes It

Dog Eat Dog — That’s… Pretty Sure That’s Cannibalism

Life on the Line — It’s About Telephone Line Repairmen (or: I’m Not Making That Up)

Nocturnal Animals — Jake Gyllenhaal Writes a Book (or: 2016’s Best Opening Credit Sequence)

Love Is All You Need? — Why Is This a Question?

Mercy — (Five Words That Mean Something)

The Edge of Seventeen —  Just Like the One-Winged…

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them — In My Pants! No… Wait…

Manchester by the Sea — Comedic Riot; Laugh a Minute (or: That Police Station Scene, Though)

Rules Don’t Apply — Seems the Editor Believed That

The Monster — Beautiful Horror About Motherhood, Addiction

Bad Santa 2 — The Sequel We Didn’t Need (or: Lemme Make You Some Sandwiches)

Moana — Can’t Believe It Wasn’t Racist (or: Might Be Better Than Frozen)

Miss Sloane — Jessica Chastain Fights Against Guns

Legends of the Hidden Temple — Nostalgia Is a Powerful Thing

Lion — Indian Boy Finds His Home

Allied — Wish This Were More Hitchcockian

December

Jackie — Natalie Portman Does an Accent (or: The Film’s Actually Quite Terrific)

La La Land — White Guy Singlehandedly Saves Jazz (or: Plus Some Singing and Dancing)

Incarnate — THIS SHOULD BE PROFESSOR XORCIST

Your Name — Anime Is Lost on Me

Man Down — And He Can’t Get Up!

The Eyes of My Mother — Well This Was Fuckig Unsettling

Office Christmas Party — Somehow I Didn’t Hate This

Spectral — Army Fights Against Ghostly Apparitions

Solace — Psychic Catches Psychic Serial Killer

Frank and Lola — Michael Shannon, Imogen Poots. Sold.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story — I Hate Sand. It’s Coarse… (or: Oh, You Meant This Movie?) (or: How You Doin’, CGI Tarkin?) (or: Nostalgia’s Strong with This One)

Collateral Beauty — More Saccharine Will Smith Nonsense

The Founder — Michael Keaton Makes McDonald’s Great

A Kind of Murder — We’re Splitting Hairs on Murder?

The Autopsy of Jane Doe — Don’t Cut Open Supernatural Corpses?

Neruda — Chilean Government Hates Communist Poet

Barry — Obama Smokes, Fucks White Chicks (or: He Fucked ‘The Witch’ Girl) (or: She Called Him Black Phillip?)

Why Him? — Why Why Why Why Why

Silence — Heart of Darkness with Priests

A Monster Calls — Think He’ll Leave a Voicemail?

Assassin’s Creed — Wait… But Where Was Rocky?

Passengers — Hot People Fuck in Space

Sing — Reality Competition Version of Zootopia

Julieta — Almodovar’s Not Really For Me

Patriots Day — Deepwater Horizon, But in Boston

20th Century Women — Disaffected Middle-Aged Woman Lives

Gold — McConaughey Gained Weight, You Guys (or: They Make Sure You Know)

Fences — Denzel and Viola Monologue Lots

Hidden Figures — Black Women Get Shit Done

Paterson — More Like Adam BUS Driver!

The Comedian — DeNiro Tries To Tell Jokes

I, Daniel Blake — Irish Guy Can’t Find Work

Toni Erdmann — Really Funny, and Really Touching (or: Funniest Naked Scene in Film)

The Red Turtle — You Ever Fuck a Turtle?

Live by Night — 30s Gangsters Are the Shit

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One response

  1. Wow, this was amazing! How long did it take to do?

    January 21, 2017 at 7:28 pm

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