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The 2017 Film Release Calendar: October

Every January, I preview all the films that are scheduled to come out for the year. I go through the existing release calendar, month by month, and guess how much or how little I’m going to like each of the films.

The major benefit is that it allows me, come the end of the year, to see which movies ended up surprising me for better or for worse, or which ones I had wildly disproportionate expectations for. It also gives me a chance to know what’s coming out and what to look forward to.

I also take all the films that are filming or in post and theoretically able to come out that year and preview those too, along with all the films from the previous year(s) that have yet to come out that I’ve been tracking. In all, I end up previewing more films than pretty much anyone else, I’ve been told.

October

Blade Runner 2049

Thirty years after the events of the first film, a new blade runner, LAPD Officer K (Ryan Gosling), unearths a long-buried secret that has the potential to plunge what’s left of society into chaos. K’s discovery leads him on a quest to find Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford), a former LAPD blade runner who has been missing for 30 years.

So yeah. They’re making this. But hey, if you’re gonna make it, go big.

Denis Villeneuve, coming off Prisoners, Enemy, Sicario and Arrival, and Roger Deakins.

That’s all I need.

I’ll admit I don’t love the original movie. It’s great, and it’s a fantastic movie, but I was never in love with it the way some people are. I just never went there for that movie, and with all these movies with so many cuts — pick a version. But that aside — I’m excited for this.

Based on the talent involved — Ryan Gosling, Ford is back, Jared Leto, Dave Bautista, Robin Wright, Mackenzie Davis, Ana de Armas, Barkhad Abdi, Edward James Olmos is back — minimum 4 stars. I can’t assume anything higher, because I don’t love the original enough to go higher. But fuck, I hope I get 5 stars out of this. I’m not discounting it because the original isn’t in my 200 favorite movies of all time. I hope it’s great.

Kingsman The Golden Circle

When an attack on the Kingsman headquarters takes place and a new villain rises, Eggsy and Merlin are forced to work together with the American agency Statesman to save the world.

Liked the first one a lot, didn’t love it. People went a bit too crazy for it for my tastes. I was much more a Man from U.N.C.L.E. guy, personally. But, it was fun.

Colin Firth is back, despite (spoiler alert), though I guess you don’t need to spoiler alert with that sentence. They shoot him in the head. I’m not sorry. Watch a movie. Channing Tatum is in this, as are Jeff Bridges, Julianne Moore, Vinnie Jones, Halle Berry and Elton John. And the others are back, Taron Egerton and Mark Strong.

Should be fun, but the golden rule of sequels is a half-star drop or same level at best. So with that, 3.5 stars. Should be that simple.

My Little Pony

When a dark force threatens Ponyville and the Mane 6, they go on a journey to the end of Equestria to save their beloved home and they meet new friends and dangerous challenges along the way.

This is a thing that I completely missed. That weird thing where guys fuck the ponies, or whatever they do. I guess it’s because I don’t do drugs and watch cartoons?

2.5 stars. I just don’t care about this. I don’t care who’s in it, or what it’s about. If I get 3 stars (or even more, if that’s a universe that is even fathomable), I would be surprised.

2017 seems like it’s gonna be the year of “not for me.”

The Commuter

I hope this is just 90 minutes of a dude sitting on a train quietly, and people coming in and out, as he goes about his daily routine.

A businessman is caught up in a criminal conspiracy during his daily commute home.

Oh, it’s a Liam Neeson action movie. I guess that’s okay too.

3 stars.

I don’t really need to hear more than “Liam Neeson action movie” to know I’m getting a 3 star movie. It’s the guy who did Non-Stop and Unknown and Run All Night and the Shallows. He makes 3-star action movies.

Friday the 13th

The return of the legendary mass murderer Jason Voorhees in the new Friday the 13th.

They say they’re in prep on this. Not sure I fully believe that, but sure.

2.5 stars. Assume indifference, if I even see it altogether.

The Snowman

Detective Harry Hole investigates the disappearance of a woman whose pink scarf is found wrapped around an ominous-looking snowman.

They’re been trying to make this for years. I think Scorsese was theoretically attached to direct at one point, but I never bought that.

They got Tomas Alfredson, making his first movie since Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, and Michael Fassbender. If that’s not a trustworthy pair, then I don’t know what is.

4 stars. Gotta assume four here. Hell, I want 4.5 out of this.

Geostorm

As a man heads into space to prevent climate-controlling satellites from creating a storm of epic proportions, his brother discovers a plot to assassinate the president.

Oh, I remember this. The craziest plot synopsis ever. Directed by the guy who wrote Independence Day and Stargate and Godzilla. Basically a 90s movie made in 2017. I’m sure this will end well.

3 stars. Just because I assume it will be so insane — Gerard Butler stars in this, by the way. Have I mentioned that yet? — that it’ll be worthwhile.

Gerard Butler might stab that geostorm in the face

You can probably take out the “might.”

Insidious: Chapter 4

Oh good, a fourth one. To add to the other three that I have not seen.

2.5 stars, but unless I see the others first, I won’t see this.

Same Kind of Different as Me

International art dealer Ron Hall must befriend a dangerous homeless man in order to save his struggling marriage to his wife, a woman whose dreams will lead all three of them on the journey of their lives.

What?

First time director. Greg Kinnear, Renee Zellweger, Jon Voight, Djimon Hounsou. Uhhh, this seems generic.

3 stars. Oh, no, never mind. Saw a trailer. 2.5 stars.

might be able to get 3 out of this, but… that trailer, though. This is a “faith” movie with a better cast than usual.

Still Greg Kinnear though.

The Mountain Between Us

A pair survive a plane crash in the mountains where they are forced to trust each other and find safety while badly injured.

Directed by the guy who did Paradise Now and Omar and starring Idris Elba and Kate Winslet.

I mean… okay.

3.5 stars. I hope I get more. This sounds pretty awesome.

The War with Grandpa

Upset that he has to share the room he loves with his grandfather, Peter decides to declare war in an attempt to get it back.

No. I reject this already because I can guess who’s directing this, how the tone is gonna be, all of that. No all around.

Director created SpongeBob… okay, maybe not exactly what I was expecting. He directed Muppets from Space, Max Keeble’s Big Move, Alvin and the Chipmunks and Hop. Jesus. Oh, and the Grumpy Cat movie. In case you needed to put an auteur stamp on all those movies.

Robert De Niro plays Grandpa, because of fucking course he does. Christopher Walken is in it. Is it weird that I hope he’s the grandson?

3 stars. Only because of Walken and De Niro. But I’m not happy about it.

Cloverfield

A shocking discovery forces a team of astronauts aboard a space station to fight for survival while their reality has been altered.

Elizabeth Debicki, Gugu-Mbatha Raw, Daniel Bruhl, Chris O’Dowd, David Oyelowo and Ziyi Zhang. I like the cast.

It’s another Cloverfield movie, but I’m hoping they learned from the previous film to make it more contained thriller and less — monsters. So 3.5 stars. I’ll be okay if it doesn’t hit that.

Saw: Legacy

Pretty sure I haven’t seen anything past the first one. Definitely not planning to start now.

2.5 stars. For the cause. I won’t see this.

So many skips this year.

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One response

  1. chinoiserie

    My Little Pony is a fun fantasy/sitcom type cartoon that people like because it is good. There are wierdos in every fandom but they are a minority, like furries in Zootopia fandom, it is just strange to people that men can actually like girls animated show so people just assume all the men who watch it are gay who fuck the ponies or whatever you said and the show can’t actually be worth watching. Hopefully the film is good it looks promising so far but doupt it will be quite as good as Disney films so people who don’t watch the show probably wont care.

    January 27, 2017 at 2:32 pm

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