Five Word Film Reviews (2017)

This article has become a real treat to write every year. This year, I knew I’d wait until the last minute and not have anything, so I pushed it to Oscar weekend instead of early January, so that way I could wait even longer until the last minute and rush to get it all done over like, four days. (It helps to know oneself really well.)

You remember that famous Hemingway six word short story? Well, this is me doing that for movie reviews. I came up with the idea after writing a review for the Vanessa Hudgens movie Gimme Shelter (which I’m sure you all saw). I wrote some joke and said, “There’s your five word film review for this one.” And the idea took. This whole site is ideas that took. (Too bad shutting the fuck up won’t take with me, amirite, guys???)

Notable examples of five word film reviews from last year, to give you an idea of what we’re going for: Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk — Could’ve Used a Longer Walk; Suicide Squad — RIP D.C. Universe (2016-2016); Finding Dory — Maybe Just Stop Losing Fish; Snowden — The Government Watches You Masturbate; Bridget Jones’s Baby — What Happened to Her Diary?; The Dressmaker — High Plains Drifter with Backstitching; Paterson — More Like Adam BUS Driver!; Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice — HA HA HA HA… Martha.

I think you get the idea. It’s a fun exercise to try. And of course, me being me, I try it 400 times.

Here are five word film reviews of the movies I saw in 2017:

2016 + Unreleased Films:

Basmati Blues — White Woman Saves India… Great

Best F(r)riends — Tommy and Greg. Together Again.

The Big Bad Fox and Other Tales — From Ernest & Celestine Directors

Borg vs. McEnroe — vs. Alien vs. Predator vs.

Boys in the Trees — Weird Australian Coming-of-Ager

Brain on Fire — This Brain Is On FIRE!!!!!!

Ethel & Ernest — The Story of a Couple

Girl Asleep — Surrealism Meets Wes Anderson; Worthwhile

Hampstead — Brendan Gleeson/Diane Keaton Romance

The Humanity Bureau — Part of Cage’s IRS Tab

I Love You, Daddy — 2017’s Biggest Act of Hubris (or: Holy Shit, That ‘Sorry’ Moment)

The Insult — It’s Basically Asghar Farhadi-Lite

It’s Only the End of the World — AND I FEEL FINE!!! Wait…

Jasper Jones — Another Australian Coming-of-Ager

The Little Vampire — Yes, Just Like That One (or: With the Jerry Maguire Kid) (or: Only It’s Animated, And Shitty)

The Love Witch — Director Built All the Sets (or: Movie’s Just Okay, But Still)

The Man with the Iron Heart — Another Anthropoid Movie; Pretty Solid

Mary and the Witch’s Flower — Least It Wasn’t Her Tit (or: A Good, ‘Almost’ Ghibli Movie)

Moomins and the Winter Wonderland — *In Seinfeld Voice* Hello, Moomins

Newness — Romance in the Tinder Age

On Body and Soul — Romance at the Hungarian Slaughterhouse

Si j’etais un homme — French Woman Grows a Dick

The Son of Bigfoot — Meaning Bigfoot Fucked a Human

A Street Cat Named Bob — Meth Head Gets a Cat

Stratton — It’s About Boat Service Commandos!

Suddenly Seventeen — Fun Little Body Swap Variant

Who We Are Now — Star Showcase for Julianne Nicholson

Vier gegen die bank — Wolfgang Petersen Generic Heist Movie


Underworld: Blood Wars — They Made Five of These?

Arsenal — NICOLAS CAGE DID DEADFALL AGAIN (or: Seriously, It’s The Same Wig)

Coin Heist — Students Rob the U.S. Mint

Between Us — …Absolutely Nobody Saw This Movie

Bright Lights: Starring Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds — Unfortunately Good Timing For This

The Bye Bye Man — I Thought You Were Leaving

Monster Trucks — Monsters… In Trucks… Doing… Stuff

Mad Families — Porn Has Better Production Value

Sleepless — Title’s Inaccurate; Try Watching It

The Book of Love — Well, the Monotones Finally Know

Alone in Berlin — Parents Lose Son; Become Anti-Nazis

The Crash —  Remember Aaron Carter Beating Shaq?

Clinical — I Wonder If Shaq Does

The Resurrection of Gavin Stone — Should Have Just Killed Him (or: Save Him from This Movie)

Split — HE CREATED A FUCKING UNIVERSE! (or: Called That Shit Beforehand, Too) (or: But That Dubstep Scene, Though) (or: The Opposite of Ex Machina)

xXx: The Return of Xander Cage — He Never Left My Heart (or: Rock, Paper, Scissors, Grenade Launcher)

Detour — Cool Young Actors in This

Take the 10 — Never Willingly Take the 10

A Dog’s Purpose — 12 Lives a Slave Pet

Kung Fu Yoga — Jackie Chan + Bollywood + Yoga = WTF?

iBoy — Pretty Sure You’d Just Die

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter — Except They Leave It Open-Ended (or: This Franchise = Steadier Than Spider-Man)


Rings — So… The Ring, But Olympics? (Or: Never Saw It, No Idea)

The Space Between Us — The Fault in Our Mars

Collide — Generic Action, But with Stars

Two Lovers and a Bear — Was Hoping for More Bear

Imperial Dreams — Boeyga Does a Fine Job

War on Everyone — It’s Pure Anarchy on Screen

Fifty Shades Darker — Darker Than What, Though? Grey?

John Wick: Chapter Two — More Guns, More Headshots; KEANU!

The Lego Batman Movie — More Kiddie Lego Stuff; Average

Girlfriend’s Day — A Murder Mystery Valentine’s Movie

A United Kingdom — African King Takes White Wife

A Cure for Wellness — Interesting, But Overindulgent. Typical Verbinski.

Fist Fight — Ice Cube vs. Charlie Day

The Great Wall — Matt Damon Saves the Asians (or: Not Really, But Still Bad)

Lovesong — Riley Keough and Jena Malone (or: Only Saw It For Them)

Get Out — Guess Who’s Coming to DIE (or: GIVE ME THE KEYS, ROSE!) (or: America Is the Sunken Place)

Rock Dog — Better If You Don’t Know

Bitter Harvest — If You Liked Dr. Zhivago…

I Don’t Feel at Home in This World Anymore — What Do You Mean ‘Anymore’?


Logan — The ‘Unforgiven’ of Superhero Movies

Before I Fall — Groundhog Day, But for Millennials

The Shack — Grieving Guy Talks to God (or: Also Known as Being Crazy)

Wolves — Worth It for Michael Shannon

Table 19 — Extras at Misfit Table Bond

The Ottoman Lieutenant — Historical Romance No One Saw

Sword Art Online: Ordinal Scale — What the Fuck Is This?

The Last Word — Old Woman Writes Own Obituary

Raw — Vegetarian Develops Craving for Flesh (or: This Will Fuck You Up)

Kong: Skull Island — Is There a Mrs. Kong? (or: That’s the Sequel, Isn’t It?)

Personal Shopper — Kristen Stewart Can See Ghosts

Bunyan and Babe — I Promise… Not a Porno

Brimstone — Weird, Overly Long, Auteur(?) Western

The Other Half — Tatiana Maslany Plays Bipolar. Solid.

The Sense of an Ending — Wish This Movie Had One

Burning Sands — Spoiler: Fraternity Hazing Is Bad

The Chamber — VOD Version of Das Boot (or: But Like… Not That Good)

Beauty and the Beast — GET THE DAMN BAGUETTES, MARIE!!!!

The Belko Experiment — This is Basically Job Hunting

T2: Trainspotting — Choose to Watch This Movie

Song to Song — Terrence Malick’s Diminishing Returns III

Diedra & Laney Rob a Train — But What Is It ABOUT????

All Nighter — Dad, Ex Find Missing Girl

Power Rangers — “It’s Morphine Time!” — Powerless Ranger

Life — It’s Basically Just Shitty Alien

CHiPs — That’s British for French Fries (or: Or Just a Shitty Movie)

Wilson — At Least Woody’s Having Fun

Prevenge — Unborn Fetus Says to Kill (or: So Fucked Up… Must See)

The Most Hated Woman in America — They Made Ann Coulter’s Biopic?

Bokeh — The Most Hipster Apocalypse Ever

The Blackcoat’s Daughter — It’s Weird, But It’s Interesting (or: Anthony Perkins’ Son Directed This)

Ghost in the Shell — Hot Robot Looks Like Scarlett (or: No Idea What Plot Was)

The Boss Baby — Cookies Are For Closers, Man

Carrie Pilby — Big Fan of Bel Powley

The Zookeeper’s Wife — Essentially ‘We Saved the Jews’

Five Came Back — Ford, Stevens, Capra, Wyler, Huston (or: Go Watch This Documentary Immediately)

The Discovery — Robert Redford Discovers the Afterlife


The Case for Christ — I’m Arguing for the Prosecution (or: More Faith-Based Movie Nonsense)

Going in Style — More Watchable Than You’d Think

Colossal — Hathaway Can Control a Godzilla (or: Anne Hathaway Terrorizes the Koreans)

Smurfs: The Lost Village — There Are Three Smurf Movies (or: Somehow I’ve Seen All Three)

Salt and Fire — Werner Made a Weird One (or: Surprise, Surprise. Am I Right?)

We Don’t Belong Here — You Should Probably Leave, Then

The Ticket — Blind Man Sees, Becomes Dickhead

Win It All — Swanberg Movie with a Plot? (or: Gambling Addict Fucks Up Bad)

Aftermath — This Fucking Shit Actually Happened! (or: Quietly Solid Arnold Schwarzenegger Performance) (or: But Seriously, This Fucking Happened)

Mine — Armie Hammer Steps on Mine

Gifted — Captain America and the Prodigy (or: SHIELDING Her from Custody Battles)

The Assignment — Hitman Gets Dick Cut Off (or: No Joke, That’s the Plot) (or: Michelle Rodriguez Plays a Dude)

My Entire High School Sinking Into the Sea — Title Just About Explains It

Their Finest — Ragtag Crew Make Dunkirk Propaganda

The Fate of the Furious — Still Upset Its Not F8 (or: How’d You Fuck That Up?)

Sandy Wexler — It’s Getting Pretty Embarrassing, Sandler

Little Boxes — Remember Weeds? That Theme Song?

The Lost City of Z — Hunnam, the Wrath of God

Spark: A Space Tail — Shitty, But… That Pun Subtitle

Tommy’s Honour — Scottish Dude Played Golf Well

A Quiet Passion — For You Emily Dickinson Fans

Ozzy — Movie About Dogs in Prison (or: More Like ‘The Dogshank Redemption’!) (or: Or Maybe Escape from DOGcatraz!) (or: Okay, One More — MUTTnight Express!)

Free Fire — People in Warehouse with Guns (or: What More Do You Need?)

The Promise — The Armenian Genocide Was Bad (or: Just Saved You Two Hours)

Unforgettable — It’s Just Bad ‘Gone Girl’

Sand Castle — But Those Dog Puns, Though…

Tramps — One of Netflix’s Best Movies (or: Go Watch This; It’s Great)

The Circle — “Social Media Is Bad,” Essentially (or: No More TED Talks, Movies)

Small Crimes — Are They Ever Really Small?

Voice from the Stone — “Psst… Fuck You” — The Stone

Rodney King — Great Little One Man Show

How to Be a Latin Lover — Tip: Don’t Watch This Movie

Harold and Lillian: A Hollywood Love Story — This Doc Was Quite Adorable

LA 92 — LA Riots… 25 Years Later

Sleight — This Was (Insert Title Here)


Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 — So… Are We Still Groot? (or: A Bold and Interesting Sequel)

The Lovers — Coming of Middle Age Romance

Last Men in Aleppo — Basically a Longer ‘White Helmets’

The Dinner — Carnage, But at a Restaurant

Tracktown — Written, Directed by Track Star

Chuck — Chuck Wepner Biopic; Hidden Gem

Norman — Speaking of Hidden Gems… This (or: Richard Gere Being Great Again)

Handsome — A Weird Murder Mystery/Comedy (or: It Never Really Picks One)

3 Generations — Trans Kid Just Wants Operation

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword — Guy Ritchie Does Medieval…. Ehh

Lowriders — Well Meaning, But Possibly Demeaning

Snatched — Not Well Meaning, DEFINITELY Demeaning (or: Who’s Fucking Idea Was This?)

The Wall — Sniper (Insert Title Here) Sniper

Hounds of Love — Nice Little Australian Kidnapping Movie

Manifesto — Spoiler: Cate Blanchett Can Act

Paris Can Wait — “You Can Blow Me” — Paris

Wakefield — Bryan Cranston Ghosts His Family

Alien: Covenant — More Fassbender on Fassbender Action (or: Sexiest Recorder Scene in Movies)

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul — I Said It’s a JOURNAL!!!

Everything, Everything — This Was So Fucked Up (or: Kid Thinks She’s Sick, Isn’t) (or: Munchausen Syndrome, the Romantic Comedy)

Abacus: Small Enough to Jail — They Blamed It On Immigrants

Dirty Dancing — Oh, Holy Shit… This SUCKED

Baywatch — Can I Eternal Sunshine This?

The Red Maple Leaf — Bad Canadian Movie; Stacked Cast

Long Strange Trip — Four Hour Grateful Dead Documentary

War Machine — Admirable, But Misses the Tone

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales — Dead Franchises Have No Sequels


Wonder Woman — The Signature Film of 2017 (or: D.C. Universe’s Stay of Execution)

Captain Underpants — HOW DID HE GET PROMOTED???

Vincent-n-Roxxy — Oh Yeah…. This Was Weird

Dean — Least It’s Not Zach Braff

Band Aid — Struggling Couple Start a Band

Churchill — The Much Lesser Darkest Hour (or: With Brian Cox as Churchill)

CarGo — If Cars Had Down’s Syndrome

The Exception — Try a More Generic Title

It Comes at Night — …Mostly. (Boom! Aliens Joke, Sucka!)

The Mummy — Should’ve Brought Back Brendan Fraser!!! (or: This Is What You Get, Morons) (or: RIP Dark Universe (2017-2017)

Beatriz at Dinner — I Know, I Saw Instagram

Shimmer Lake — Crime Movie Told in Reverse

The Hunter’s Prayer — Hitman Trains a Young Girl

Megan Leavey — Soldier Wants Her Dog Back

The Hero — 100% A Seinfeld Episode Title

My Cousin Rachel — May’ve Killed Someone… But Hot (or: ‘Hot’ Usually Beats Out ‘Murderer’)

Once Upon a Time in Venice — Bruce Willis Finds His Dog

Cars 3 — Did We Need Another One?

Rough Night — More Like a Rough WATCH

All Eyez on Me — Tupac Deserves Better Than This

Score: A Film Music Documentary — Film Composers Are The Shit

47 Meters Down — White Women vs. Some Sharks

You Get Me — Now Get the Fuck Out

The Book of Henry — Worthwhile For INSANE Midpoint Twist (or: Seriously, What The Actual Fuck?)

Maudie — Sally Hawkins and Ethan Hawke (or: Need Anything More Than That?)

Transformers: The Last Knight — More Like “The Last Entry” (or: This Franchise Needs New Ideas)

The Beguiled — Repressed Chicks Wanna Fuck Colin (or: Bad Year for Mushroom Dishes)

The Big Sick — Best Rom Com in Years

Okja — Anyone Else Craving Bacon?

Despicable Me 3 — It’s Sill Not Despicable US

The Little Hours — Foul-Mouthed Nuns Do Crazy Shit

Baby Driver — Big Year for Baby Empowerment

Hired Gun — Great Doc About Session Musicians

Inconceivable — Hope the IRS Watches These (or: Make Nicolas Cage Great Again)

13 Minutes — Plot to Kill Hitler Backfires

The House — What Happened to Will Ferrell?


Spider-Man: Homecoming — Your Friendly Neighborhood Marvel Movie

A Ghost Story — Rooney Mara Eats a Pie (or: Which She’d Never Done Before) (or: How On Brand Is That?)

War for the Planet of the Apes — Impressive Finale to the Trilogy

Lady Macbeth — This Year’s Best Hidden Gem

City of Ghosts — Journalists Cover the Syrian War

To the Bone — Anorexics Try to Get Better

Wish Upon — Wish Upon What? Carrot Top? (or: When You Wish Upon Props)

Blind — One Step Above Lifetime Movie

Dunkirk — Nolan Makes His War Movie

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets — Okay, Look… I Liked It

Girls Trip — This Is Better Than Bridesmaids

Feed — Don’t Mind If I Do

Landline — Great Followup to Obvious Child

First Kill — Bruce Willis’s Second 2017 Paycheck

Chasing Coral — But… It Doesn’t Go Anywhere

Strange Weather — Mother Deals with Son’s Death

Brigsby Bear — The Sweetness of This Wins (or: One of 2017’s Pleasant Surprises)

Person to Person — Indie Hipster New York Ensemble

Menashe — Movie’s Entirely in Yiddish; Very A24

The Girl Without Hands — A Stunningly Gorgeous Animated Movie

The Incredible Jessica James — Jessica Williams Is Pretty Dope

The Last Face — Very Misguided Sean Penn Film

A Family Man — Gerard Butler Has Family Drama

The Emoji Movie — 💩 💩 💩 💩 💩

Atomic Blonde — Charlize Theron Kicks Some Ass


The Dark Tower — Steaming Pile of Aborted Franchise

Detroit — Incredibly Tense Algiers Motel Sequence

Kidnap — Don’t Take Halle Berry’s Kid

Fun Mom Dinner — Spoiler Alert: They’re Pretty Bland

Chronically Metropolitan — Titles: Often Great Pretension Meters

Columbus — About Architecture, Not Genocide Guy

Icarus —  Dope ‘Em If You Got’Em

Broken Mile — One Take Thriller; Just Okay

An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power — Spoiler Alert: We’re Still Fucked

Step — Doc About Step Dancing Team

Some Freaks — Offbeat Romance You’ve Never Seen

Wind River — Murder Investigation on the Reservation

Ingrid Goes West — She Should Hang with Fievel

Annabelle: Creation — This Still That Fucking Doll?

Good Time — Pattinson Has a Bad Night

Pilgrimage — Lotta Stars; No One Saw

The Only Living Boy in New York — A PAUL SIMON CINEMATIC UNIVERSE!

Planetarium — Natalie Portman: Fake French Psychic

In This Corner of the World — Imagine Michael Buffer Saying That

The Glass Castle — Somebody Go Get the Stones!

The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature — A+ on the Pun Subtitle

California Typewriter — I Want a Typewriter Now

Naked — Groundhog Day, But with Nudity

Dave Made a Maze — They Built a CARDBOARD MAZE!!!!!! (or: This Movie Makes Me Happy)

Gook — Really Solid Indie Directorial Debut

Logan Lucky — We’re Dealing with Science Here! (or: Ocean’s 7-11 Is Absolutely Perfect)

Lemon — This Movie Is a Lemon

Patti Cake$ — Aspiring Rapper Finds Her Way (or: One of 2017’s Underseen Gems)

Shot Caller — Quietly Solid Little Prison Movie

Marjorie Prime — A Hologram For the Family

The Hitman’s Bodyguard — Ryan Reynolds / Samuel L. Jackson (or: Really All You Need Though)

What Happened to Monday? — It… Became Tuesday at Midnight (or: I Know How Weeks Work)

Beach Rats — Only Need One Word: MoonWhite (or: Lotta Shirtless Dudes Staring Silently) (or: Could’ve Called It ‘Lingering Gays’)

Crown Heights — Nnamdi Asomugha’s in This. What?

Birth of the Dragon — Absolutely Terrible Bruce Lee Biopic

Deep — Off-Brand and Shitty Finding Nemo

Rememory — You Remember Dunston Checks In?

Bushwick — Hipsters vs. Seceding Special Forces

Killing Hasselhoff — Weird Choice for Bill O’Reilly

Unleashed — This Wasn’t Dunston Checks In

Leap! — Right Off a Fucking Bridge

Death Note — Who Even Uses Notebooks Anymore?


Tulip Fever — The Tulips Looked Good, Though

I Do… Until I Don’t — Let’s Watch Dunston Checks In

Little Evil — Guy’s Stepson Is the Antichrist


Viceroy’s House — Can Dunston Check Into It?

The Layover — Best Friends… Unless the Dick

Goon: Last of the Enforcers — Last of the Goon Sequels

Unlocked — My Cell Phone’s Recurring Nightmare

It — We All Float Down Here

Home Again — Reese and Three Hot Guys (or: Not a Stitch of Plot)

Gun Shy — First Camera Shy, Now This???

#RealityHigh — Fuck You. Hashtag Title? Really?

9/11 — Charlie Sheen Stops The Terrorists (or: Never Saw. That’s It, Right?)

Rebel in the Rye — Decent, But Underwhelming Salinger Biopic

Napping Princess — That’s My Kinda Disney Movie

The Unknown Girl — Those Dardennes Sure Seem Optimistic

Dayveon — Coming of Age Indie; Fair

The Limehouse Golem — Wish There Was a Golem

Smartass — Twelve Year Old Smokes Crack (or: That’s Really All I Remember)

Mother! — That Sink Is Not Braced!

Wetlands — Not the Carla Juri Film

American Vandal — Who Drew the Goddamn Dicks???

American Assassin — As Generic As Can Be

Vengeance: A Love Story — Nicolas Cage Murders Some Rapists (or: So Basically Just a Tuesday)

First They Killed My Father — Who Did They Kill Second? (or: Was It Gallagher? Hope Not)

Strong Island — Documentary Investigation of Brother’s Murder

The Wilde Wedding — Could’ve Used More Oscar Wilde

Brad’s Status — Brad Is a Fucking Asshole

Kingsman: The Golden Circle — More of the Same; Fun

The Lego Ninjago Movie — Can We Stop These Already?

Battle of the Sexes — Billie Jean King’s Great Story (or: Her Stuff > The Match)

Friend Request — Stop Using Facebook in Movies!

Loving Vincent — EVERY FRAME IS A PAINTING!!!! (or: No Joke. They’re All Paintings) (or: You Need to See This)

Killing Gunther — You’re Just Reaching Now, O’Reilly

Woodshock — *Kirsten Dunst Does Weed Once*

Stronger — Gyllenhaal, You Got New Legs!

Victoria and Abdul — What a Great Band Idea

Lucky — Harry Dean Stanton’s Final Role

Elizabeth Blue — Idea: Female Reservoir Dogs Reboot

Flatliners — Looks Like This Movie… Flatlined (or: *Puts on My Sunglasses* YYYYYEEEAAHHHHH!!!!)

Gerald’s Game — I Thought There’d Be Parcheesi

Our Souls at Night — What They Do at Night?

Top Cat Begins — To Watch Dunston Checks In?

Literally Right Before Aaron — Literally Right Before Aaron What? (or: Are We Shitting on Aaron?) (or: So, More Like Aaron BURN!!!)

Window Horses: The Poetic Persian Epiphany of Rosie Ming — Girl Attends Iranian Poetry Festival (or: You Know, That Old Yarn)

Mark Felt: The Man Who Brought Down the White House — The Man Behind the ‘Throat’ (or: Liam Neeson ‘Tells the Truth’)

American Made — Tom Cruise Runs Some Drugs


Blade Runner 2049 — Actually Worthy Sequel of Classic

The Mountain Between Us — A Molehill of a Movie

My Little Pony — Don’t Get This At All

The Florida Project — 2017’s Most Pure, Beautiful Film

Brawl in Cell Block 99 — AMAZING Vince Vaughn Prison Movie

Bad Grandmas — Why Are They All Bad? (or: Why’s Only Will Hunting Good?)

Faces Places — Agnes Varda Takes Some Pictures

Una — Essentially, Statutory Rape: The Aftermath

Walking Out — Ah, Yes, the Unk Biopic

Better Watch Out — Better Shut the Fuck Up

Marshall — This Wasn’t Particularly Thur-Good (*Rimshot*)

Goodbye, Christopher Robin — Winnie Poo Pooh’d His Life

Happy Death Day — Groundhog Day… But with Murder

The Meyerowitz Stories (New and Selected) — My Pretension Sense Is Tingling

The Babysitter — Babysitter Is Actually a Satanist (or: Hate It When That Happens)

The Secret Scripture — It’s The Book of Henry

The Foreigner — Old Jackie Chan… Still Great

78/52 — Breakdown of Psycho Shower Scene

Breathe — Polio Survivor Beats the Odds

Professor Marston and the Wonder Women — Empowering… and Kinky as Hell

The Snowman — A Failure on Every Level (or: Gave You All the Clues)

Geostorm — Gerard Butler Stabs the Weather

Geo-Disaster — The Generic Store Brand Geostorm

Only the Brave — Fighting Fires Usually Ends Badly

Same Kind of Different as Me — More Bullshit Faith-Based Nonsense

Boo 2! A Madea Halloween — Ah, Yes… The Saga Continues

Jungle — Harry Potter in the Amazon

Dealt — Blind Magician: GREAT at Cards

Bad Day for the Cut — A Badass Irish Revenge Thriller

1922 — Is That Dunston’s Room Number???

Tragedy Girls — Teenagers Kill for Blog Clicks (or: Honestly… I Kinda Get It)

Wheelman — Locke Meets Drive; Lotta Fun

The Killing of a Sacred Deer — You Gotta Taste Her Tart

Wonderstruck — Half Silent, Half Color Adventure (or: Admirable, But Doesn’t Quite Work)

B.P.M. — French Movie About AIDS Activists

A Silent Voice — Stop Bullying the Deaf Girl

The Bachelors — So Many Fucking Rose Ceremonies

One of Us — Doc About Hasidic Jews; Riveting

Jane — Goodall Documentary; Great Glass Score

The Square — The Art World Is Weird

Novitiate — Young Girl Joins a Cult (or: Nuns in Training: The Movie)

Amityville: The Awakening — Completely Put Me to Sleep

All I See Is You  The ‘Blake Lively’s Blind’ Movie

Crash Pad — Is It Open to Dunston?

Jigsaw — Would Rather Just Do Puzzles (or: How’s This Franchise Still Going?)

Suburbicon — Clooney Can’t Find a Tone (or: Twice in a Row Now)

The Heyday of the Insensitive Bastards — The Tagline to 2017 America


Thank You for Your Service — Those Five Work Pretty Well


Thor: Ragnarok — Enjoyable As Shit Thor Movie

A Bad Moms Christmas — We Get It… You Suck (or: Now Will You Stop This?)

Lady Bird — Feels Like All Our Childhoods

Last Flag Flying — Weird, Pseudo Last Detail Sequel (or: Linklater Still Makes It Work)

LBJ — Woody Harrelson Plays LBJ; Sold

Singularity — So Cusack’s Given Up Too?

Most Beautiful Island — Immigrant’s Odyssey To Get By

Gilbert — Great Doc on Gilbert Gottfried

Daddy’s Home 2 — Did He Come Home Again?

Murder on the Orient Express — Very Enjoyable; Better Than Reviews

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri — Martin McDonagh’s Version of America

O Matador — Portuguese Western; It’s On Netflix

Thumper — Should’ve Been a Bambi Spinoff

Mayhem — Better, More B-Movie Belko Experiment

The Breadwinner — Beautiful Animated Film; Must See

Thelma — Girl Gets Crush, Develops Powers

Pottersville — Michael Shannon Dresses As Bigfoot (or: It’s a Wonderful Furry Life)

Bitch — Housewife Snaps, Becomes Feral Animal

Roman J. Israel, Esq. — Denzel’s Best Performance in Years (or: Too Bad No One Saw)

Jim and Andy: The Great Beyond — Jim Carrey. Andy Kaufman. Amazing.

Justice League — They Think We’re Stupid, Right? (Or: How’d You Fail THIS Badly?)

Mudbound — Probably the Best Netflix Movie

A Christmas Prince — A Throwback, That’s For Sure

Mr. Roosevelt — A Very Hipster Indie Movie (or: Mr. Roosevelt Is a Cat) (or: See What I Mean? Hipster)

Almost Friends — Yeah, But They Fuck, So….

A Fantastic Woman — Trans Woman Loses Longtime Boyfriend

The Star — Faith Based Bullshit… Now Animated

Wonder — Sweet and Uplifting Beyond Words (or: Did NOT See That Coming)

Revolt — Ah… Yes… the Volt Reboot.

Sweet Virginia — Some Cool Actors in This

Bombshell: The Hedy Lamarr Story — She Basically Created Bluetooth Technology (or: And She Influenced Blazing Saddles) (or: I Mean, Talk About Range)

The Man Who Invented Christmas — Shakespeare in Love with Dickens (or: The Christopher Columbus of Christmas)

Hangman — I Really _ _ _ _ _ This Movie

Darkest Hour — Gary Oldman as Winston Churchill (or: That’s Really All You Need)

Call Me by Your Name — Elio and the Giant Peach (or: In the Mood for Armie) (Or: L A T E R)

Coco — It’s Almost Unfair Now, Pixar


The Disaster Artist — I Did Not Hit Her (or: You’re Tearing Me Apart, Lisa!) (or: I Definitely Have Breast Cancer) (or: Anyway, How’s Your Sex Life?) (or: I Did Naaaht. O’hai Mark)

Wonder Wheel — *Pulls Out Acoustic Guitar* Anyway….

The Tribes of Palos Verdes — White People Trail of Tears

Love, Beats, Rhymes — Eat Pray Love Beats Rhymes

Gangster Land — Complete Dog Shit B-Movie; Ignore

A Bad Idea Gone Wrong — Home Burglary Goes Comically Wrong

Loveless — Well This Was Fucking Bleak

The Shape of Water — Sally Fucks the Fish Man

I, Tonya — The Goodfellas of Figure Skating (or: It’s Honestly An Accurate Tagline) (or: So… You Two Fuck Yet?)

Foxtrot — Those First Twenty Minutes, Though…

The Pirates of Somalia — Let’s Make This a Franchise (or: Kinda Like Pirates, Je T’Aime)

Just Getting Started — Really? Looks Like You’re Done

Permanent — The Classier Version of Dry-Erase

Everything Beautiful Is Far Away — Like The Remote… and Nachos

Newspaperman: The Life and Times of Ben Bradlee — No Documentary Would’ve Done Justice

Cinderella the Cat — But Cats Don’t Wear Slippers!

Bullet Head — Basically Paycheck Central, This One

El Camino Christmas — Tim Allen Needed…. Home Improvements

November Criminals — And the Other Eleven Months?

Star Wars: The Last Jedi — Technically Chingachgook’s The Last Jedi

Ferdinand — This Is How WWI Started?

Christmas Inheritance — Hope It Wasn’t Huntington’s Disease

Birdboy: The Forgotten Children — Serious: Does He Become Birdman?

The Ballad of Lefty Brown — Bill Pullman Starring A24 Western

A Christmas Story Live — I Shot My Eyes Out

All the Money in the World — Good Movie Beneath the Publicity (or: Plummer’s Better Than Spacey Looked)

The Greatest Showman — *Looks Around* I Enjoyed It

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle — Most Fun Movie of 2017

Father Figures — (It’s Pretty Much Just) Yeesh

Downsizing — Matt Damon’s Career Gets Smaller

Pitch Perfect 3 — WE GET IT, YOU SING (or: Aca-Stop It Already With These)

The Leisure Seeker — It Definitely Takes a Turn

Bright — Crash, But Now with Orcs! (or: What Happened to David Ayer?)

Crooked House — Let’s Make It Crooked HOME (or: Sounds Like a Foundation Issue)

Happy End — Michael Haneke, Pure Laugh Riot

The Post — Freedom of the Motherfuckin’ Press (or: Freedom: It Dies in Darkness)

Hostiles — We’re All Savages… Got It (or: Scott Cooper’s Fourth Solid Movie)

Film Stars Don’t Die in Liverpool — A Gutter’s a Gutter, Man

Molly’s Game — Woman Builds a Poker Empire

Phantom Thread — Fussy Daniel Day-Lewis Absolutely Rules (or: Do You Have a Gun?) (or: The Interruption’s Staying Right Here) (or: Kiss Me Before I’m Sick)

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