Five Word Film Reviews (2018)

This went from a joke I made in a review once to something I do every year. I love doing this article. It got tough for a year when I forgot to work on it and had to scramble to do it in like, a week, but now that I moved it from top of January to just before the Oscars, it makes it way easier for me to not start writing them until the last minute and pull it off more easily.

The premise behind this is simple. You know the famous Hemingway six word short story? Well, I’m doing that for movies. Only with one less word. Some people say brevity is the soul of wit. I say fuck that.

Notable examples of five word film reviews from last year, to give you an idea of what we’re going for: The Shape of Water — Sally Fucks the Fish Man; xXx: The Return of Xander Cage — He Never Left My Heart; The Lost City of Z — Hunnam, the Wrath of God; The Space Between Us — The Fault in Our Mars; Moomins and the Winter Wonderland — *In Seinfeld Voice* Hello, Moomins; Call Me by Your Name — Elio and the Giant Peach; Woodshock — *Kirsten Dunst Does Weed Once*; Wonder Wheel — *Pulls Out Acoustic Guitar* Anyway….; The Emoji Movie — 💩 💩 💩 💩 💩

So yeah, those are nine examples. Now you’re about to get about 500 more. (Also, I know this has become a bit of a running joke with me. 2016 I forgot about it and had to write all my reviews in about ten days. Last year, I pushed the article later to prevent that, still forgot and had to write them all in two weeks. This year… totally forgot I had to do these until exactly two weeks ago. Yet somehow… finished it early! Eight days early! That’s called growth.)

Here are five word film reviews of the movies I saw in 2018:

2017 + Unreleased Films

Ana y Bruno — Very Weird Mexican Animated Film

Anchors Up — Incredibly Creepy, Seafaring CarGo Cousin

Animal Crackers — Good Premise; Z Grade Execution

Charming — Again, Good Premise. Too Cheap.

Climax — Gaspar Takes You to Hell

Communion — Foreign Doc; Not for Me

Dogman — Of Mice Bullies and Men

Dragged Across Concrete — Surprisingly, No One Actually Is (or: “I Will Dog Walk You”)

Eric Clapton: Life in 12 Bars — Music Bars. Not, Like, Alcoholism.

Euphoria — Is Not What This Creates

Everybody Knows — Asghar Farhadi Doing Asghar Farhadi

The Extraordinary Journey of the Fakir — It’s Basically a Kids Book

The Festival — Lowbrow Comedy Set at Glastonbury

Katie Says Goodbye — Katie Must Not Be Irish

King of Thieves — This Is Basically Ocean’s AARP

Ladies in Black — GALAXY DEFENDERS!! Oh, Wrong Movie.

Leo Da Vinci: Mission Mona Lisa — Yes, It’s an Origin Story

Mary Magdalene — Completely Misguided Waste of Time

Replicas — Keanu Makes a Robot Family

Ruben Brandt, Collector — Animated Movie Worth Checking Out

Sadie — Erotic Thriller (From Milan –> Minsk)

Swinging Safari — Australian Coming of Age Film

Tall Tales from the Magical Garden of the Antoon Krings — As Cheap as Animation Gets

Tito and the Birds — Gorgeously Animated, and Politically Timely

Yardie — Idris Elba’s Directorial Debut; Decent

You, Me and Him — British Lesbian Pregnancy Comedy… Seriously



Insidious: The Last Key — And Hopefully the Last Film?

Blame — Scarlet Letter in High School

The Commuter — Liam Neeson Hitchcock-ian Thriller; Decent

Paddington 2 — Paddington Goes to Prison. (Seriously) (or: Paddington in the Paddy Wagon) (or: In Prison, Marmalade’s a Lubricant)

Proud Mary — Taraji P. Henson Blaxploitation Movie

The Polka King — Polka Singer Starts Ponzi Scheme (or: Great Jack Black Performance Here)

Acts of Violence — For Sale: Bruce Willis. Always.

Abe & Phil’s Last Poker Game — Mahjong’s Still on the Table

Freak Show — Gay Kid Becomes Prom Queen

Created Equal — Woman Wants to Be Priest

12 Strong — Patriotic Movie About Afghan War (or: Can You See the Problem?)

Den of Thieves — Cops vs. Bank Robbers; Solid

Like Me — Committing Crimes for the ‘Gram

Small Town Crime — Cool John Hawkes B Movie

Step Sisters — Complete All Around Dog Shit

The Open House — Cheap, Shitty Netflix Horror Movie

Mom and Dad — Cage Tries to Kill Kids (or: So Just A Regular Monday)

Little Bitches — BFFs Deal with Impending Graduation

Maze Runner: The Death Cure — Definitely Not a Boredom Cure

A Futile and Stupid Gesture — The Title Is My Review

Have a Nice Day — Chinese Animated Tarantino Style Knockoff

Please Stand By — Autistic Girl Takes a Trip

The Clapper — Offbeat Romance with Fringe Characters



The Cloverfield Paradox — Can We Stop These Already?

Braven — Jason Momoa Lumberjack Movie; Fun

Winchester — Shitty Movie About Mystery House

Seeing Allred — “You’ve Got (All)Red on You”

The 15:17 to Paris — Truly Clint Eastwood’s Worst Film

Fifty Shades Freed — I’m Freed of This Franchise

Peter Rabbit — Wish It Weren’t Done CGI

When We First Met — Groundhog Day for a Relationship

Permission — Open Marriage Opens Up Issues

Golden Exits — Indie (As Pretentious) Woody Allen

Black Panther — Only Need Two: Wakanda Forever

Looking Glass — Nicolas Cage Watches You Masturbate

Early Man — Aardman’s Cavemen Playing Soccer Movie

Samson — What Happened to Billy Zane?

Nostalgia — I Long to Unsee This

Irreplaceable You — Woman Deals with Impending Death

The Scent of Rain and Lightning — Smells Like Toast and Burning

The Party — Political Celebration Becomes Emotional Chaos

Mad to Be Normal — Or Normal to Be Mad?

Annihilation — This Is Just Gay Stalker

Mute — If MTV Made Blade Runner

Beast of Burden — Harry Potter the Drug Mule

The Cured — Another “Zombies as Metaphor” Movie

Every Day — Interesting Idea; Shitty YA Execution

Half Magic — Heather Graham Makes a Movie

Game Night — Murder Mystery Party Becomes Real



Death Wish — Bruce Willis Kills Black People

Red Sparrow — Not a Natural Atomic Blonde

Gringo — Most White People Are Evil (or: Just a Good Life Lesson)

Con Man — The Gotti of Con Movies

Submission — The Blue Angel, in College

The Hurricane Heist — Features Zero Tropical Storm Thefts

The Strangers: Prey at Night — Send Your Thoughts and Preyers

A Wrinkle in Time — More a WASTE of Time

The Outsider — Jared Leto Joins the Yakuza

The Death of Stalin — It’s Veep in Soviet Russia

Thoroughbreds — Girls Plot to Kill Father

Love, Simon — A Coming of Out Story

Tomb Raider — They Do Raid a Tomb (or: Vikander Does a Good Job) (or: Almost Overcomes Video Game Curse)

7 Days in Entebbe — Worst Game Show Vacation Ever

Dear Dictator — My Pen Pal The Dictator

Journey’s End — World War I Trench Movie!

Benji — Blumhouse Made This. Crazy, Right?

The Forgiven — Not a New Testament Unforgiven

Flower — Girl Gives Lots of Blowjobs

Furlough — Guard Escorts Felon on Trip

The Feels — All the Feels, Zero Fucks

The Vanishing of Sidney Hall — Reeks of “First Ever Screenplay”

Welcome the Stranger — I’ll Greet Who I Want

Pacific Rim: Uprising — No del Toro, No Good

Midnight Sun — The Fault in Our Genome

Sherlock Gnomes — Pun Title, Can’t Hate It

Unsane — She’s Crazy. Or Is She?

Final Portrait — Geoffrey Rush Sculpts Armie Hammer

Roxanne Roxanne — 14 Year Old Female Rapper

Paradox — Weird Neil Young Concert… Thing

Isle of Dogs — Wes Becomes His Own Parody

I Kill Giants — A More Effective ‘Monster Calls’

Game Over, Man — It’s Idiots Doing Die Hard

Ismael’s Ghosts — He Gets His Own Ghosts?!!

The Last Movie Star — Burt Reynolds’ Last Great Performance

Acrimony — Tyler Perry Keeps Making Movies

Ready Player One — Charlie and the VR Factory

First Match — Girl Joins Boys Wrestling Team

The Titan — But Yet It’s Basically Avatar?

Finding Your Feet — But They’re Right THERE, Though!

Outside In — A Hokey Pokey Instructional Video

Happy Anniversary — “Happy Anniversary! Should We Divorce?”

Gemini — Assistant’s Boss Murdered… By Her?



A Quiet Place — Don’t Procreate During the Apocalypse

Jesus Christ Superstar Live — Pretty Top Notch Live Musical

Blockers — Parents Try Cockblocking Their Kids

Chappaquiddick — Is Really the Last Mohican

Sweet Country — Australian Western; With Sam Neill!

You Were Never Really Here — How My Alibis Usually Start

The Miracle Season — Sports Themes Outweigh Religious Bullshit

Spinning Man — Shitty Mystery With No Payoff

Lean on Pete — When You’re Not Strong!!!! Oh…

The Endless — The Trippiest Film of 2018 (or: From the Directors of Spring)

Where Is Kyra? — She’s Your Fucking Wife, Brent.

6 Balloons — *Count Voice* AH AH AH

Amateur — Spoiler: Youth Basketball Is Corrupt

Sun Dogs — Remember Snow Dogs? That Masterpiece?

Paterno — Pacino Plays Another Real Person

Andre the Giant — He’s All of Our Giant

Sgt. Stubby: An American Hero — And Everyone Remembers Him, Right?

Submergence — A Waste of Good Actors

Truth or Dare — Truth: This Movie Sucks Balls (or: Dare You Not to Watch)

Rampage — Plotless Game –> This. HOW?

10×10 — This Does Not Equal 💯

The Rider — Cowboy Deals with Head Injury

Pass Over — Spike Lee Directs a Play

Zama — Aguirre, the Wait for God

Come Sunday — Preacher Says There’s No Hell

Wildling — Feral Girl Integrates Into Society

Krystal — Boy Crushes on Alcoholic Stripper

An Ordinary Man — War Criminal in Witness Prosecution (or: Amazing Premise But Meh Execution)

Beirut — A Waste of Jon Hamm

Stephanie — Works for About Ten Minutes

I Feel Pretty — Neither Pretty, Witty nor Gay

Super Troopers 2 — About Fifteen Years Too Late (or: Why Make This Movie Meow?)

Kodachrome — This Is Just Hipster Nebraska

Traffik — Green Room with Black People

Dude — Where’s My Car? (Applause Break)

Le Redoubtable — That’s French for “The Redoubtable”

The Week Of — Adam Sandler’s “The Night Of” (or: A Whole Week of Eczema)

Candy Jar — Valedictorian Rivals Fall in Love

Backstabbing for Beginners — Step One: Grab the Knife

The House of Tomorrow — I Can’t Afford One Today

Disobedience — Lesbian Hasids; That Old Yarn

Kings — Daniel Craig, Halle Berry, Riots

Love & Bananas: An Elephant Story — This One Wasn’t Particularly Elephantastic

Duck Butter — Women Have Sex Every Hour

Adventures in Public School — Homeschooled Kid Goes to Public

Avengers: Infinity War — 



Tully — Motherhood Is Quite the Bitch (or: A Celebration of Mackenzie Davis)

Overboard — Why Would You Remake This?

Bad Samaritan — Home Invader Finds Kidnapped Woman

RBG — The Year’s Best Superhero Movie

Anon — Crime in a Transparent World

Manhunt — Sadly Not the Video Game

Most Likely to Murder — Rear Window But for Stoners

The Con Is On — Good God, Is This 1997?

Breaking In — It’s Basically “Black” Straw Dogs

Life of the Party — McCarthy’s Shitty Back to School

Terminal — What the Fuck WAS This?

The Kissing Booth — Girl Crushes on BFF’s Brother

Lu Over the Wall — Mermaid Joins a Rock Band?

Measure of a Man — In Tablespoons, Or Like… Mettle?

Revenge — The Revenant Meets Faster Pussycat (or: THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING AWESOME)

The Escape — Woman Suddenly Leaves Her Family

Mountain — Willem Dafoe Talks About Mountains (or: You Sold? Because I Am)

The Seagull — Great Cast, Not Particularly Interesting

Fahrenheit 451 — Dystopia in the Trump Era

Dark Crimes — Holy Fucking Shit, Jim Carrey

Deadpool 2 — They’re Back for More Money

Show Dogs — Miss Congeniality… But With Dogs

Cargo — Babysitter Search During Zombie Apocalypse

Book Club — Old Ladies Read Fifty Shades

First Reformed — It’s Just Boring Taxi Driver

On Chesil Beach — Wedding Night Goes Disastrously Wrong

How to Talk to Girls at Parties — A Trick Question. You Don’t.

Future World — Shitty, Off Brand Mad Max

In Darkness — Blind Woman in Hitchcockian Thriller

Ibiza — The Lowest Common Denominator Comedy

The Tale — Two Hours of Trauma Onscreen

King Lear — Anthony Hopkins Gets No Respect

Solo: A Star Wars Story — More Watering Down the Brand (or: Lando Fucked That Droid, Though)



Adrift — Shailene Woodley Lost at Sea

Action Point — Half Bad Movie, Half Jackass

Upgrade — B-Movie Six Million Dollar Man

Mary Shelley — Fuckin’ on Her Dad’s Grave

Social Animals — Woman Starts Dating Married Man

Best F(r)iends: Vol 2 — Tommy Wiseau’s A Beautiful Mind

Breath — Australian Surfers Come of Age

American Animals — A Heist Gone Horribly Wrong

A Kid Like Jake — That’s Not How Adoption Works

Ocean’s 8 — As Fun as the Others

Hotel Artemis — Hospital for Criminals Goes Haywire

Hereditary — The Secret Comedy of 2018 (or: *Insert Tongue Click Noise Here*)

Won’t You Be My Neighbor? — Mr. Rogers Is My Hero

211 — The Origin Story of 311 (or: The Greatest Band Ever Formed)

Alex Strangelove — Before He Got His Doctorate

Hearts Beat Loud — Dad, Daughter Start a Band

Nancy — Woman Thinks She Was Kidnapped (or: As a Child, Not… Yesterday)

Incredibles 2 — Where Are We on Capes?

Tag — Friends Play Never-Ending Game

Superfly — No Reason to Remake This

The Yellow Birds — Boring As Shit War Movie

Billy Boy — When Actors Write Their Films

Gotti — John-a Travolta Doin-a The Italian

Set It Up — Singlehandedly Revives the Rom Com

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom — How the Mighty Have Fallen

Damsel — Offbeat Western from ‘Kumiko’ Directors

The Catcher Was a Spy — … This Is a Perfect Example

Boundaries — Another ‘Estranged Family Road Trip’

Distorted — This is Christina Ricci Now?

Izzy Gets the Fuck Across Town — That’s Six… But Good Job

Ideal Home — Gay Couple Suddenly Become Parents

Leave No Trace — Dad, Daughter Live in Woods

Escape Plan 2: Hades — Who’s Designing All These Prisons?

Three Identical Strangers — Triplets Meet Another as Adults

Tau — Kidnapped in a Smart House

Calibre — Slow Burn Scottish Highlands Thriller

Game Changers — Documentary About Game Show Hosts

Woman Walks Ahead — Jessica Chastain Paints Sitting Bull

Sicario: Day of the Soldado — The Continuing Adventures of Drugs

Uncle Drew — Not Nearly Enough Basketball Scenes



Ant-Man and the Wasp — Go Small or Go Home

The First Purge — Yet Also the Fourth Purge

Sorry to Bother You — *White Voice* This Movie’s Lit (or: “Holla, Holla, Holla, Holla, Holla!”)

The Legacy of a Whitetail Deer Hunter — I Wish This Actually Worked

Fireworks — Would Have Preferred Actual Fireworks

White Fang — It’s Basically A Wolf’s Purpose

Whitney — Whitney Houston Sure Could Sing

Skyscraper — The Rock Takes Chinese Money (or: Die Hard Meets Towering Inferno) (or: 一大塊狗屎)

Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation — They Made Three of These

Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far on Foot — He’s in a Wheelcheer, Though

Eighth Grade — Being a Teenager in 2018

How It Ends — That’s a Very Long Spoiler

Siberia — Keanu Reeves Goes to Russia

Shock and Awe — This Was Shock and Awful (or: Couldn’t Pass Up the Joke)

Dark Money — The Political System Is Fucked

Poor Boy — Michael Shannon the Rodeo Clown

Robin Williams: Come Into My Mind — Brilliant Documentary About a Genius

The Equalizer 2 — Denzel Beats Up More People

Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again — Luigi Falling Down a Pipe

Unfriended: Dark Web — Did We Need Another One?

Blindspotting — Buddy Comedy and Racial Drama

Damascus Cover — It’s John Hurt’s Last Movie

McQueen — Alexander, Not Steve… or Steve.

The Keeping Hours — Dead Son’s Ghost Comes Back

Maquia: When the Promised Flower Blooms — Japanese Anime; It Was Fine

Father of the Year — Another Wonderful David Spade Vehicle

Duck Duck Goose — Great Title, Absolutely Terrible Execution

Broken Star — Shitty Meta Hollywood Actress Thriller

Zoe — Man Falls for His Robot

Extinction — But They’re All Robots Though?

Puzzle — Bored Housewife Joins Jigsaw Competitions

The Bleeding Edge — Don’t Put Metal Inside Yourself

Teen Titans Go! To the Movies — That Punctuation Mistake Haunts Me

Hot Summer Nights — Outcast Kid Starts Dealing Drugs

Mission: Impossible – Fallout — Franchise Just Keeps Getting Better



Christopher Robin — It’s Hook, But with Pooh

The Darkest Minds — More YA Nonsense; Just Stop

The Spy Who Dumped Me — Decent Premise; Result Is Shit

Never Goin’ Back — Inside Llewyn Davis with Dropouts

The Miseducation of Cameron Post — Gay Conversion Therapy Doesn’t Work

Like Father — Father and Daughter Vacation Together

Dog Days — Crash But With Dogs. Seriously.

The Meg — Jason Statham vs. a Shark

BlacKkKlansman — Black Officer Infiltrates the Klan

The Package — Kid Cuts His Dick Off

Hope Springs Eternal — Love the Concept; Movie… Ehh

A Prayer Before Dawn — Midnight Express But With Boxing (or: Thai Prisons… Not That Fun)

Slender Man — Stupid Meme Makes Stupid Movie

Madeline’s Madeline — Helena Howard Is Incredible Here (or: The Best Performance of 2018)

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society — Fuck Nazis, Read Books. Basically.

Summer of ’84 — Rear Window Meets Stranger Things

Crazy Rich Asians — Standard Rom Com… with Asians (or: We Need More of That)

Mile 22 — Berg and Wahlberg Create Mediocrity

Alpha — A Boy and His Wolf

Billionaire Boys Club — Ponzi Scheme Ends Pretty Badly

Juliet, Naked — Woman Befriends Boyfriend’s Musical Obsession

We the Animals — This Movie Feels Like Childhood

The Little Mermaid — A Complete Shitty Knockoff Version

Down a Dark Hall — The Basis for All Horror

The Wife — So Far, Yet Glenn Close

To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before — Netflix Bringing Back Rom Coms!

Blaze — Indie Biopic of Folk Musician

The Night Is Short, Walk on Girl — Girl Goes on a Bender (or: And It Is Fucking Glorious)

The Happytime Murders — Was Expecting More Puppet Jizz

Searching — The Best of this Gimmick

Papillon — Yet Another Absolutely Unnecessary Remake

A.X.L. — You Remember Toejam and Earl?

The After Party — Then It’s the Hotel Lobby?

Arizona — It’s Hard to do ‘Coen’

Blue Iguana — Throwback 90s Style Crime Movie

The Bookshop — It’s Chocolat But with Books

Crime + Punishment — About Continuing Illegal Ticket Quotas (or: But Also Like, Wimpy Serpico)

Minding the Gap — Kids Skateboard, Deal with Shit

Support the Girls — Waiting, But More Female Oriented

Reprisal — The Art of the Paycheck (or: Bruce Willis’ Current Career Model)

An Actor Prepares — Another “Estranged Dad” Road Trip

Blood Fest — Comedy Version of Hell Fest

Kin — Kid Finds an Alien Weapon

Boarding School — More Like BORING School!!! (Y’know…)

Destination Wedding — Keanu and Winona: Together Again (or: Not Quite The Philadelphia Story)

The Little Stranger — So Gothic Nothing Actually Happens

Operation Finale — About the Adolph Eichmann Capture



Peppermint — Jennifer Garner’s ‘Liam Neeson’ Movie

The Nun — I Can’t Stand Supernatural Horror

Sierra Burgess Is a Loser — Well That Seems Kinda Harsh

Next Gen — Low Rent Big Hero 6

Slice — Pizza, Werewolfs and Hell Portals

Paper Year — First Year of a Marriage

The Predator — This Really Did Not Work

White Boy Rick — Teenage Informant Sells Guns, Drugs

A Simple Favor — Soccer Mom’s Friend Goes Missing

Mandy — A Revenge Movie on Acid

Lizzie — Lizzie Borden: Lesbian Axe Murderer

Reversing Roe — Pro-Life People Are Fucking Evil

Armed — An Instruction Manuel for Limbs

Patient Zero — Only Worth It for Tucci

Final Score — Die Hard in a Stadium

The Children Act — Ugh… Child Actors. The Worst.

The Land of Steady Habits — You Mean Like, a Crackhouse? (Or: Bed Bath & Beyond… Worse)

The Angel — President’s Son Is a Spy

Where Hands Touch — Is This a Trick Question?

Life Itself — This Is Us…Toundingly Misguided

Fahrenheit 11/9 — That Title Sure Worked Out

Science Fair — This Documentary Appreciates Poster Boards

The House with a Clock in Its Walls — Does It Have a Moat?

Assassination Nation — Wait, This Wasn’t a Dream?

Collette — Keira Knightley as Feminist Author

The Sisters Brothers — Reilly. Phoenix. Gyllenhaal. Ahmed. Western.

I Think We’re Alone Now — He Said, Before Being Murdered

Nappily Ever After — Who Doesn’t Love Naps, Though?

Little Italy — Romeo, Juliet and Pizza Places (or: But It’s in Fucking CANADA!)

Bel Canto — Hostage Crisis Movie; Boring Argo

American Dresser — Old Men Go Ride Motorcycles

A Happening of Monumental Proportions — Judy Greer Directed This Movie

Love, Gilda — Who Doesn’t Love Gilda Rander?

Quincy — Quincy Jones Is a Badass

Jane Fonda in Five Acts — I Can’t Really Top That

Night School — Kevin Hart Gets a GED

Hell Fest — Fright Fest, But With Murder

Smallfoot — But Zendaya, Is She Meechee?

Hale County This Morning, This Evening — A Nice Montage of Life

Monsters and Men — What Happened to the Mice?

All About Nina — Mary Elizabeth Winstead Does Standup

Free Solo — Not a Star Wars Hashtag (or: Dude Free Climbed a Mountain!)

Cruise — Italian Boy Romances Jewish Girl

The Padre — Somehow Not a Baseball Biopic

Summer ’03 — That’s When Seabiscuit Came Out

The Samuel Projec— Better If You Don’t Know

Hold the Dark — Blue Ruin… Green Book… Wolves?

The Old Man & the Gun — *Chekhov Sits Forward* “Go On…” (or: Robert Redford’s Wonderful Curtain Call)



A Star Is Born — I’m Off the Deep End (or: Watch As I Dive In) (or: I’ll Never Meet the Ground) (or: Crash Through the Surface) (or: Where They Can’t Hurt Us) (or: Far from the Shallow Now) (or: Can’t Believe That Worked Out) (or: Incredible Adaptation of a Classic)

Venom — At Least Tom Hardy Tried

The Hate U Give — YA Movie About Police Brutality (or: Much More Mature Than Expected)

Ride — Shitty Collateral, But with Uber

Private Life — In Vitro Attempts Spur Crises

Studio 54 — Don’t We All Miss Drugs?

Bayou Caviar — Cuba Gooding Directs a Movie

Morning, Noon & Night — These Are Times of Day

Loving Pablo — About Pablo Escobar’s Reporter Mistress

Malevolent — Fake Paranormal Investigators Encounter Evil

22 July — Paul Greengrass Likes Terrorist Attacks

The Happy Prince — About Oscar Wilde’s Last Days

First Man — The Balls Neil Armstrong Had

Bad Times at the El Royale — It Was a (•_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■  (⌐■_■)… Bad Time.

Goosebumps: Haunted Halloween — More Kids Stuff; Perfectly Fine

Beautiful Boy — More Like Timothee Chala-METH!! Right? (or: Because His Character Does Meth)

The Laws of the Universe Part 1 — The Deuteronomy of Anime Movies

The Oath — Comedy in the Trump Era

The Kindergarten Teacher — Teacher Steals a Child’s Poems

Apostle — Awesome Colonial Thriller; Great Atmosphere

After Everything — Budding Romance Runs Into Cancer

MFKZ — You Remember Parappa The Rapper?

Better Start Running — When I’m Good and Ready

Halloween — Maybe Don’t Let Him Escape (or: Mike Myers Gets Me Too’d)

Mid90s — …It’s Skatey Bird. (It is.)

Can You Ever Forgive Me? — *Insert Fyre Fest Blowjob Guy*

What They Had — Solid; Fantastic Robert Forster Performance

Wildlife — The Effects of a Divorce

Thunder Road — Cop Slowly Starts to Unravel (or: Okay, Maybe Not So Slowly)

The Guilty — Single Location 911 Operator Thriller

Warning Shot — David Spade Plays a Gangster?

An Evening with Beverly Luff Linn — Fun If You Like Weird

Galveston — Dying Hitman Protects Teenage Hooker

Been So Long — It’s Been Twenty Minutes, Steve!

Air Strike — International Bruce Willis Paycheck Movie

Burning — Documentary About All My Cooking

Shirkers — Recollection of a Making Of

Johnny English Strikes Again — I Think He’s Struck Enough

Hunter Killer — Submarine Thriller; Sadly It’s Bad

Suspiria — That Fucking Third Act, Though



Bohemian Rhapsody — Is This the Real Life? (or: Mama, Just Killed a Man) (or: Another One Bites the Dust) (or: Crazy Little Thing Called Love) (or: It’s Fucking Queen, They Rule)

The Nutcracker and the Four Realms — How’d They End up Here?

Nobody’s Fool — Somebody Is a Fool Here

Unlovable — Indie About Sex/Love Addiction

Boy Erased — Conversion Therapy Still Doesn’t Work

The Other Side of the Wind — Most Elegant Fart Joke Ever

They’ll Love Me When I’m Dead — The Other Side of Welles

The Holiday Calendar — Terrible Magic Advent Calendar Romance

A Private War — Rosamund Pike and an Eyepatch

Bodied — Surprisingly Decent Rap Battle Movie

Latin History for Morons — “White People Suck” — All History

The Front Runner — Jason Reitman Is Back, Baby (or: Gary Hart Movie; Very Timely)

The Grinch — This Movie Stink… Stank… Stunk

The Girl in the Spider’s Web — Girl with the Dragon Caricature

Overlord — Down and Dirty War Movie

Outlaw King — Pseudo Braveheart Sequel; Cool Battles

Liz and the Blue Bird — …Yeah, Those Are Five Words

Pimp — Female Pimp Runs the Game

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald — He Doesn’t Commit Many Crimes (or: We’re Kinda Past the Creatures)

Widows — Widows Pull Off Husbands’ Heist

The Ballad of Buster Scruggs — A Coen Brothers Anthology Western (or: A Compilation of B Sides)

Green Book — I’m Amazed That This Worked

Instant Family — But Adoption Isn’t Instantaneous, Though

At Eternity’s Gate — Willem Dafoe, Vincent Van Gogh

The Long Dumb Road — Generic Indie Road Trip Fare


Cam — Camgirl Gets Replaced By Doppleganger

Speed Kills — Travolta’s Taking Paycheck Movies Now

Of Fathers and Sons — Portrait of Radical Islamist Family

55 Steps — Mental Patient Sues for Rights

On Happiness Road — China Tries Doing Studio Ghibli

Shoplifters — Beautiful Portrait of Shoplifting Misfits

Mobile Homes — Imogen Poots: Worst Mother Ever

The Christmas Chronicles — Amazing Kurt Russell Christmas Movie (or: The Gem You Haven’t Seen)

The Favourite — Corsets, Conniving and Cunnilingus

Creed II — Baby Creed vs. Baby Drago (or: “Daddy’s Being a Little Bitch”)

Ralph Breaks the Internet — Ralph Really Broke My Heart

Robin Hood — Totally Unnecessary, But Halfway Watchable

The Possession of Hannah Grace — Supernatural Horror in a Morgue

Mowgli — Not Your Father’s Jungle Book (or: There’s Murder in This Jungle)

Mirai — Boy Time Travels in Garden

Never Look Away — Guess What? I Looked Away

A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding — Just What the World Needed

Anna and the Apocalypse — Shaun of the Dead + Showtunes



Mary, Queen of Scots — More Like Queen of SCOTCH (or: I’ll Admit… I’m Hammered, Guys)

Ben Is Back — Drug Addicted Son Comes Home

Vox Lux — Natalie Portman The Pop Star (or: From Parkland to Pop Charts?)

The Mercy — Sailing Trip Goes Horribly Wrong

Tyrel — Only Black Guy Feels Awkward

Clara’s Ghost — First Ismael, Now Clara Too?!!

The Party’s Just Beginning — You Call That a Party?

Dumplin’ — Overweight Girl Enters Beauty Pageant

Mortal Engines — Mad Max But With Cities

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse — The Coolest Animation of 2018

The Mule — Is Clint Eastwood Even Acting?

Roma — This Is Alfonso Cuaron’s Masterpiece

If Beale Street Could Talk — “Fuck All Y’all” — Beale Street (or: The Underrated Masterpiece of 2018)

The House That Jack Built — He Builds It on Bodies (or: Because He’s a Serial Killer)

Springsteen on Broadway — The Boss at His Best

They Shall Not Grow Old — Incredible World War I Documentary

Capernaum — Lebanese Boy Divorces His Parents

Mary Poppins Returns — And She’s Out for Revenge

Aquaman — He Rides a Giant Kraken (or: And Julie Andrews Voices It!)

Bumblebee — A Girl and Her Car

Welcome to Marwen — Second Life But With Dolls

Bird Box — The Apocalypse Will Be Blindfolded

Cold War — An Absolutely Stunning Foreign Romance

Second Act — Comedy for Middle-Aged Women

Between Worlds — Cage Fucks His Wife’s Ghost (or: And Somehow That Makes Sense?)

Renegades — B-Movie Version of Three Kings

Holmes & Watson — A Huge Piece of Shit

Destroyer — Kidman Jerks Off Dying Dude (or: And Other Cop Stuff Too)

Stan and Ollie — Laurel And Hardy On Tour

Vice — How Dick Cheney Fucked America

On the Basis of Sex — Ruth Bader Ginsburg Is Boss

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