Ranking All the Netflix Original Movies (101-150)
The governing principle behind this website has always been, “Well, I did this, so I might as well document it.”
I think we’ve established by now that I watch ostensibly everything that matters each year (in terms of American feature releases). And that now includes an ever-increasing number of Netflix movies. I think they put out something like 60 movies last year. And, as is my credo, if I’m watching them all, why not document it?
This isn’t a definitive ranking by any stretch. It’s a combination of how much I liked the movies mixed with how well I think they personify the “brand” of the Netflix Original, whatever that is. Mostly I just wanna recommend some cool stuff to you that you may be overlooking. Because the way the Netflix model works is, unless it hits the zeitgeist like Bird Box or The Kissing Booth, it just gets absorbed into the ether and after two weeks (if not immediately), people forget about them and never get around to watching them even if they thought they looked interesting. They just fall away under the pile of newer, shinier toys. So hopefully, with my doing this, maybe it’ll get some eyeballs on some of the really cool stuff that’s there.
I will also say (because it has to be said) — it’s vague as to what constitutes a Netflix Original film. I generally use Wikipedia as a guide, because Netflix has never put out an official list, and it’s impossible to use their site to figure it out. But also, some of the stuff on Wikipedia’s list are foreign films no one in America has heard of, and some other stuff that we all clearly think of as a Netflix movie isn’t. Here’s one: Annihilation. Netflix movie or not? It was released day-and-date everywhere in the world except the U.S., where it played in theaters for over a month before going on Netflix. Hard to see that as a proper Netflix Original. Though by that rationale, Roma wouldn’t count, because they released it into theaters first. But that was clearly for Oscar purposes. It was always meant to be on the platform. It’s all up for debate, so I just kinda went with what made sense. So the rules are my own and I’ve decided what I think counts. The point is: shut up and let’s just celebrate the cool movies that are here. Cool? Cool.
(Note: I’m only planning to update these articles every few months. The next update is gonna be as we approach 175 movies.)
This is the biggest abomination Netflix has ever put out. That may well change, eventually. That is, there may be a bigger abomination they put out. But it doesn’t change the fact that this movie is an abomination. The fact that the title is a hashtag is bad enough. But the fact that it’s a movie that celebrates social media (even while criticizing it) is something I can never get over.
The plot is basically Mean Girls but with Snapchat. Regular smart girl without many friends is taken in by the cool girl who is a social media star because the cool girl’s ex-boyfriend takes an interest in her. So she becomes her friend to get back at him/try to win him back, meanwhile the regular girl loses sight of who she is and starts to become as obsessed with her digital image and likes and all that crap.
No one in the movie is a real human being, the while the lead actress does what she can and does seem almost like a real person, nothing can overcome the atrocious values inherent in this movie. I will never actively say a movie should never be seen, but this movie really does stand for everything I hate.
149. The Ridiculous 6
Adam Sandler is no stranger to the bottom of a list like this. And I think we all recognize that he stopped trying right around 2007. The only even halfway decent movies he’s made since then are ones with top level directors. Everything else is just him hanging out with his friends with no care for quality whatsoever. And this, the first of his initial six-picture deal with Netflix, is the most egregious thing he’s come out with since *looks at notes* the movie that came out before this. Jesus.
As you can tell, the title is a play on The Magnificent Seven. Sandler plays a gunfighter raised by Native Americans who finds out he has five brothers. So he sets out to find his brothers so they can go out and find their father. But holy shit. There are things happening in this movie that are… lowest common denominator is the ceiling this movie is striving to reach. There’s a recurring bit about Rob Schneider’s donkey having explosive diarrhea. Taylor Lautner plays the most overt and offensive mentally-challenged person stereotype I may have ever seen put on screen. There’s literally a scene where he gets blown by the donkey. It’s absolutely insane.
The thing about these Sandler movies… there’s no pretense of plot anymore the majority of the time. It’s literally just a series of scenes the actors think are funny. And apparently there are still people who agree with them, otherwise why would we all still be subjected to them? But I think you all know this. I think we all acknowledge how awful this movie is. I could have just left this entry as a simple sigh and we’d have understood.
Before #RealityHigh, this was the most abominable movie Netflix had put out. Fortunately, no hashtag, but the title is essentially text-speak. And the plot — it revolves around a group of characters who attend an outdoor music festival. Basically Love Actually at Coachella. Yeah. See what I mean?
The problem with movies like this is that its basic philosophy for the characters is, “We’re 22. This is our time!” I don’t want a movie whose basic premise makes me go, “Fuck you.” Or the idea that one person can make a song that can change the world. Or like, “If I can just get my music into the hands of this famous person, I know my life will change.” There’s a lot of “fuck you’s” in this movie. Mostly to the audience. But a lot were me saying it back to the screen. Definitely one of the more soulless outputs of the platform.
147. Step Sisters
So my main gripe with movies like this is when every character is heightened in the name of comedy that absolutely no person or situation in this movie resembles any kind of reality. So you’re basically asking everyone to go along with these caricatures and assuming they will care and laugh at what’s going on. My response to movies like that is usually: no.
It’s about an overachieving black student who has ambitions and is basically forced by the dean into rehabilitating a white sorority by helping them learn to step dance. So already we’re on racially sensitive ground. But the notion that not only does she have to do this because it will get her into the law school she wants to go to (patently illegal), but they have to win the competition, you’re basically watching every moment of this movie wondering how any of these people could possibly exist in real life and how half of them haven’t died already because they’re so stupid.
Chances are, when you get me talking about the worst of Netflix, and it’s not the obvious Adam Sandler-type stuff, I’m gonna mention this, the hashtag movie and the music festival movie. I can almost guarantee you those will be my answers when asked on the spot. And hey, not all of them can be good. This is just one of the absolute worst.
146. Father of the Year
Did you think a movie starring David Spade was gonna be particularly good?
Here’s the premise: he’s basically Joe Dirt. White trash dude living in a trailer park. His son shows up one day and is like, “My friend says he dad can probably beat you up.” So Spade decides to prove that he can beat up the other dad, and alleged comedy ensues. It’s awful. The worst part about this movie is that they try to put a real story in between the Spade “comedy” bits.
It’s a Happy Madison movie. And I think we all have evidence to know these generally are not good. To quote another movie, they gave you all the clues. You should know what this is without having to subject yourself to it.
145. Malibu Rescue
This is a Nickelodeon channel movie masquerading as a Netflix movie. The comedy is dumb and meant for seven-year-olds, and there’s literally nothing of value in this unless you’re seven. And even then… kinda questionable.
The only reason this is so high on the list is because the other ones are overly objectionable. This one is just bad and for kids. The others aren’t for anyone with brain cells.
Every time a certain type of movie hits, there’s a flood of copycats that come out in the ensuing years. The Netflix distribution model has ensured that the copycats will continue finding a home even after the fad has long since past. It’s like Multiplicity. Clone after clone, getting worse and worse each time. Only, rather than clone the original, we’re cloning the copycats that weren’t very good to begin with.
Here’s the premise: woman is going to Spain on a business trip. Her two friends decide to join to go party. They decide to go to Ibiza for the weekend for debauchery. Shit happens. You’ve seen variations of this coming out the past few years, so you know what you’re getting. It’s one of those movies where every character who isn’t the lead is so over the top that they’re not even a human being, and the whole thing just infuriates your storytelling instincts, because it feels over-developed to the point of trying to sell itself to whatever market they think is out there.
This is the kind of movie that lowers the bar for everything else.
143. You Get Me
Another example in the “crazy white girl” genre. And, as we must say for all of these… just watch Fatal Attraction.
It stars Bella Thorne, who apparently is making a career out of shitty straight-to-VOD genre thrillers. It’s a plot you’ve seen a hundred times — guy sleeps with a new girl while broken up with his girlfriend, then gets back together with the girlfriend. Only the new girl doesn’t want that to happen… and psycho stalking, etc, happens.
There’s nothing new here, nothing of substance, and you could probably get more emotional performances out of the first tree you ran into outside. It’s the kind of movie you can see in its entirety from the log line, and one that I can’t fathom why you’d waste your time with.
It’s like if you took the plot of You’re Next, but made it a shitty thriller. A bunch of brothers show up to visit their dying mother, and then a bunch of masked attackers show up and they have to defend themselves. Only whereas You’re Next had an element of humor and fun to it and was actually engaging… this is just boring as shit.
Sometimes the worst crime a movie can commit is not simply being terrible… it’s being almost competent and so boring that you wonder why they even bothered. This is one of those movies where you wonder who would find it interesting, because there’s literally nothing to keep your attention throughout it.
You’ll notice a pattern in the films at this point on the list — bad/boring genre films. This is the “psychiatrist loses their shit” thriller. “Am I crazy or is my psycho patient trying to kill me?”
The less said about a movie like this, the better. There’s really nothing of value here at all. It’s like one of the unpopped popcorn kernels in the bottom of the bag. Let’s spend our time on the good stuff.
140. The Open House
This is a thriller without the thrills. One of those “is our house haunted, or is that weird dude who keeps showing up doing this to us” movies.
The problem is, none of it is interesting or engaging, despite the film ending in a different place than you’d expect from a movie like this. Or maybe it’s just so bad at doing what it’s trying to do that it’s completely in line with a movie like this and it just feels different because the movie’s so boring.
The current 3.3 rating on IMDB should tell you all you need to know about this one.
Blumhouse produced this. And yes, this is a family dog movie. And holy shit, it is bad.
Think of a movie trying to be like an early 90s family movie. Okay, now picture them making it today. And now picture them making it badly. And then drop it a couple of levels into, “Oh my god, what happened here?” That’s about where this movie is at.
It’s not that a company that primarily produces horror movies made this. Anyone can make a bad movie. But this… what was the purpose of this, exactly? Granted, if this were put out on Nickelodeon as a feature, I wouldn’t have questioned it. But this was like, actually put out as a real thing on Netflix. And it’s… I feel like one would get more out of a teeth cleaning than this movie.
138. Walk. Ride. Rodeo.
This is as close you can get to a faith-based sports movie without being overly religious. Or overly a sports movie, I guess.
It’s about a young rodeo rider who gets in a bad accident that paralyzes her. The title comes from what she said her goals were after her diagnosis. So it’s your generic sports movie of… bad accident, getting mad about the situation for a while, then bucking up and working toward a comeback.
It’s… you’ve seen the story a bunch. It’s made with almost no budget, the writing is generic for even generic standards, and it’s got that Netflix look, which just cheapens the whole thing. This feels like it should have been put out on Lifetime instead of here.
137. The True Memoirs of an International Assassin
Not the worst setup for a comedy: author writes a spy novel called “The Memoirs of an International Assassin.” His publisher won’t put it out because fiction doesn’t sell. So he puts the word “True” in the title, pretending it’s an autobiography. Of course, sales skyrocket. Only now, some real people start to take his fiction and think, “That sounds a lot like (insert event/killing/etc here),” and now want him dead.
Not terrible, right? Of course, you can see how that could end up very generic. But also… to take that premise and then cast Kevin James… you kinda know what you’re getting from the jump there, don’t you? Kevin James is one of those rarified actors who has literally never made a good movie. The only semi-decent one he was in also happened to star Will Smith. He’s like the anti-John Cazale.
Also, this was directed by the director of Kick-Ass 2 and Truth or Dare, so there’s that too.
136. Sandy Wexler
What a strange movie. First off, this might be the one Adam Sandler movie that’s come out that nobody knows. I haven’t heard anyone talking about this, even to say how bad it is. But also… here’s a movie that’s not a comedy, and not a drama.
It starts like a Woody Allen movie or something. And then it spends its first 70 minutes telling a story… and you get to what you assume is the end of act two. Things are sad, and then it’ll all work out in the next 20 minutes. Only the movie then goes on FOR ANOTHER HOUR. It’s insane. It just drags and drags and drags. And I’m not quite sure what they were going for.
This is also perhaps the epitome of a modern day Adam Sandler movie. Which is — he’s not making them for you. He’s doing it to amuse himself and hang out with his friends. He plays a talent agent that’s basically a pastiche of his actual manager.
There are better bad movies to waste your time with than this.
135. I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House
This is an interesting one. In that… it’s trying something. But I found it terribly boring. It’s a gothic horror film without the horror. It’s just kind of slow, and meditative, and boring.
The director (Oz Perkins, son of Anthony, who had a really solid debut with The Blackcoat’s Daughter) seemingly had a vision for how this turned out. It just… somehow never got there. It fell so flat to me that I figured I must have missed something or that maybe I wasn’t meant to get it. But I think most people feel the same way about this.
It just… doesn’t really work. It’s admirable in some technical qualities, but there’s not a whole lot you’re gonna get from this in the way of entertainment value.
134. The Last Summer
I feel bad putting this over some of the ones below it. It’s a very bad, very overly serious teen movie. One of those, “This is our last summer before college, we need to make it count” movies. Fortunately it’s not about how the whole world is ahead of them because they’re young. But it is very much one of those movies that’s serious about its subplots. How the dumbest shit becomes the biggest deal.
One of the main subplots is this budding relationship. But the dude realizes that his father is having an affair with the girl’s (single) mother. He’s tortured by this. Naturally. And then, later, when the girl finds out, she’s furious. And you watch this and it’s like, “It’s not that big a deal?” Also, why do you not question what this fact did to your boyfriend, since technically your mother was being taken advantage of by a scumbag. This dude has to live with the scumbag and what it means for his own mother. That’s the kind of shit that happens in this movie. It’s almost like what a high school student things high drama is. Think about what the biggest element of drama was in the stuff you wrote in high school. It’s kinda like this.
So I guess what I’m saying is… it’s competently made and all that, but none of the stuff feels remotely real or worthwhile. That’s mainly what this section of the list is. I wouldn’t tell you to not watch it, but I’ll also tell you that there’s really not much there and that you could do much better. This one in particular feels like it more closely straddles the line into being straight up bad.
It looks good on paper. Michael Pena, Lizzie Kaplan, and the director was coming off a very impressive debut with Hounds of Love (a very underrated Australian kidnapping thriller). It’s one of those movies — aliens come down and a guy has to protect his family. Only… the movie takes an insane twist by the midway point, where you wonder why you even care about these people or anything that’s going on.
That’s what this movie is — you’re kinda invested, but not really, and then they pull the rug out from under you and you’re wondering what the hell is going on and if you do or should bother trying to figure out any of it. I ultimately landed on, no, no you should not. It’s watchable, but given the fact that Netflix seems to stick to certain types of genre films, there are better ‘invasion’ movies on this list alone.
132. The Do-Over
This was an Adam Sandler movie I came out going, “Wow, I can’t believe I didn’t hate that.” Wouldn’t have guessed that. I guess it’s more of a David Spade movie, now that I think about it. Not that it makes it any better.
Basically the premise is, two dudes meet up at a reunion and realize they hate their lives. So they decide to fake their own deaths and start over. Only, the two people whose identities they assume… well, as you can see by the picture, they weren’t the best of people.
Mostly what I was struck with by this movie is that it wasn’t as shitty as I come to assume all Adam Sandler movies are. Sure, the jokes are stupid, but they’re closer to being passable here than they are in all the other movies. This one actually has a plot. You can get engaged for portions of this. It’s one of the more watchable comedies he’s made in a decade. That said, it’s hard for me to straight up recommend this. You gotta keep things in context. There’s way better stuff out there to spend time on.
So this movie is if The Game were about Scientology.
But it’s also literally The Game. Adam Goldberg is the Sean Penn character, and as you watch the beginning of this movie, you can’t help but think, “This is The Game.” Only yeah, with a crazy religion at its center. So he goes on this retreat thing, which turns into this fucked up experience that feels like a weird trap, but since we’ve all seen The Game, we know where it’s going, especially since there are religious overtones, so you can literally pinpoint the ending as early as you care to spend time thinking about it. Which, in a movie like this, is for most of it, since there isn’t a terrible amount of stuff that holds your attention.
This is perfectly decent, as far as a watch goes. In the early days, I’d have said, “Sure, why not? Not great, but you can get through it.” Now, there are literally a hundred movies you could watch above this. So keep that in mind.
130. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: Sword of Destiny
This was, I think, the second ever Netflix Original movie. After Beasts of No Nation. Feels like so long ago, doesn’t it?
They made a sequel 15 years after the fact, which isn’t great. And then they didn’t bring back the director, who was really the only thing that made the original work as well as it did. Granted, the director was the fight coordinator of the original, so that’s something.
I guess if you really like these kinds of movies you can give it a shot. But there’s nothing particularly worthwhile here, not as compared to the original.
What a fucking crazy movie this is.
Here’s the premise: kid gets shot while running away from bad guys. He has his phone in his hand, so the bullet, while hitting the phone first, causes fragments of his phone to lodge into his head. And then… he gets superpowers. Basically his brain has the functional capacity of a cell phone. So it’s kind of like Transcendence meets Lucy, but if it were sponsored by Apple.
This premise would have been rejected from an ad campaign.
It’s competent, and the premise is nuts, but it’s not the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Though I’m not sure why you would spend your time on this.
Florence Pugh and her brother perform fake paranormal visits in people’s allegedly haunted houses. It’s a scam, but of course, in this house, it starts to seem all too real.
I like her a lot, and there’s almost enough to be entertained here, but in the end it’s just another generic thriller. Unless you really love this genre, I’d recommend everyone just go see Lady Macbeth instead. There’s much better Florence out there.
127. Next Gen
This is the off-brand version of Big Hero 6. Fine if you need to entertain a child, but outside of that (and possibly even still), just watch Big Hero 6.
126. Murder Mystery
To give some background on this… in 2012, Charlize Theron was gonna star in this and John Madden was gonna direct. And here we are, with an Adam Sandler Netflix movie. There’s a plot here. Just no comedy. So you’re left with a totally bland movie that meanders along with no real laughs, thrills or interest.
Of all the Adam Sandler Netflix movies, this is one of the least worst ones, but the bar is so low, that’s just my way of saying that it’s almost watchable enough that you don’t care rather than openly hating it.
125. Nappily Ever After
“How Stella Cut Her Hair Off.”
It’s about a woman finding herself after cutting off all her hair. Culturally, I get it. I understand everything they were trying to do with this movie. Did I love it? Not particularly.
This is one of those where I would say… don’t necessarily go by my opinion of it. Though aside from the good stuff, I did feel like a lot of the writing and the performances were wildly over the top, and that never helps ground me to a movie.
Still, this is one where, you’ll know if this sounds like it’s for you. If it doesn’t sound like it’s for you, then yeah, you can probably skip it. Though also don’t expect it to be much more than okay.
124. The Holiday Calendar
Part of Netflix’s Christmas rom-com universe. Woman gets an enchanted advent calendar, where each of the things inside it start to come true. It’s so stupid.
But you know what? Stupid isn’t the worst thing in the world, and this is the kind of movie that you can just put on and watch with your brain shut off. Granted, most of the stuff in this realm (which is really starting to borrow from the Hallmark model, isn’t it?) is more watchable than this. This one was generic bordering on not-good for me.
Still, the idea of this weird shared Christmas universe is amusing to me. So even as bad as some of the entries are, the fact that it exists does make me chuckle.
123. The Week Of
Perhaps the best Adam Sandler can do nowadays. This almost comes across as watchable.
Basically, his daughter and Chris Rock’s son are getting married. And both families are staying in the same house. Comic situations ensue. And there’s tensions because Sandler doesn’t have much money and Rock does, but Sandler feels the father of the bride should pay for the wedding, so he keeps trying to pay for it (while also being cheap) while Rock says, “Let me just write a check.”
There’s stuff there that would add up to a decent enough movie with different people behind it. But instead of a Sundance movie, it’s an Adam Sandler movie. At this point, you know what that means, sight unseen.
122. Wine Country
Amy Poehler got her friends together to make a movie where they all hang out and drink wine. Which is a totally admirable thing to do. Adam Sandler does stuff like this all the time. And, like Adam Sandler movies… this doesn’t add up to much of anything except people who like each other hanging out.
It’s your standard indie comedy — friends get together for a weekend, everyone has their own shit going on, it all bubbles to the surface… you know how that goes. Sundance/Tribeca/SXSW puts these out every year. This just happens to have a lot of people you’ve seen on SNL and other things. So I guess that will make it more palatable to some that they get to see Tina Fey and Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph instead of alt comedians that you hear on podcasts and in the occasional comic relief role in Bruce Willis VOD movies.
I feel like this is a movie that should go on Netflix, since it’s clearly targeted to middle-aged women, but as an overall movie, it’s pretty bland.
Okay, so I don’t know what the hell this was. Daryl Hannah (yes, that Daryl Hannah) directed a western that stars Neil Young and his band.
It’s not really a western, though. It’s a strange compilation of scenes around western tropes that feels like something they’d have made to promote an album back in the 80s. It doesn’t amount to a whole lot, but then the second half (and it’s only 70 minutes, so you’ll get there quickly) is just a straight up concert film with Neil Young songs. Which is awesome.
As a movie, I can’t recommend it. As a weird, whatever the hell this is experience, I say give it a shot. It’s not good, but it’s so unique that it’s worth having in your bag of, “You know what weird ass movie I saw?”, that you can bring up to people.
And also, it’s got some great musical performances in it. So you can do as I did, fold your laundry and listen to Neil Young. There are worse things you can find on Netflix.
120. El Camino Christmas
Yes, that is Tim Allen holding a beer and talking to a cardboard cutout of a woman in a bikini.
Not the best movie in the world, but it is sort of a single location movie that takes place over a single day. So that makes it more interesting to me than most stuff.
Premise is: Dude comes to a small town to find the father he never met. He starts getting harassed by a douchebag cop. Through a series of plot contrivances, the guy ends up in a liquor store, involved in a hostage situation. It’s meant to be a comedy. Series of errors and all of a sudden dude looks like he’s holding all these people hostage and is in a shootout with police. Allen plays a local drunk, who, as you can imagine through the Law of Economy of Characters, ends up being more important to the plot than just the comic relief.
It’s perfectly watchable, and it all takes place on Christmas. Nothing too great here. I saw it for Tim Allen. Mostly you watch this and wonder what this could have been if someone like Shane Black wrote it and it came out in 1998.
One of Netflix’s many “Groundhog Day but with…” movies. This one is “Groundhog Day, but with a wedding.” Marlon Wayans keeps waking up on the morning of his wedding, naked and in an elevator in a hotel that’s not his. And basically he has to get to the altar in just the right way in order to break the time loop.
It’s not terrible. But it’s also not good. It’s totally watchable, and the concept makes it at least something you can get through. Though the problem with this as a “Groundhog Day” movie is more about — as he repeats the day, all these pieces come in, and in the end, he has to put the pieces together in just the right way for everything to work out. Groundhog Day — it’s more nihilist and is just about the absurdity and sadness of this fate. It’s about self-discovery more than a tidy plot. So that’s what keeps this from being something particularly worthwhile.
But as far as a throwaway movies goes, something with the “Groundhog Day” plot is far from the worst you could do.
118. The Titan
Oh look, Sam Worthington is playing another variation of an Avatar character.
That’s really all this is about. Astronauts take part in some experiments. Most of them die. The one that doesn’t turns into that thing. And it’s about him slowly turning into the thing. Like The Fly, meets Dr. Manhattan.
Pretty all around standard, as Netflix movies go. Not great, not terrible, totally watchable, and pretty forgettable.
117. Christmas Inheritance
This was the first of the Netflix Christmas movies. At the moment, it’s not connected to this universe thing they’ve created. So it’s like the Edward Norton Incredible Hulk. Early and forgotten, but helped lay the groundwork.
This is also basically a Hallmark movie. But all of these Netflix Christmas movies are. It’s about a city girl who has to go back to her small town home. Of course there she’s gonna find love and want to stay… you know how these movies go.
This is like all the others — if you’re predisposed to liking them, you’ll like it just fine. It’s one of the weaker ones, so I wouldn’t go out of my way to see it, but this is comfort food to most people. You know what you’re getting.
Ghost soldiers. That’s really all this is. Soldiers fighting ghosts. (Black Hawk Undead?)
It’s whatever. If rom coms are comfort food for some, this is comfort food for people who like these kinds of movies.
115. Sand Castle
It’s one of those Jarhead type movies about a young soldier in Iraq. I’m not quite sure what it’s going for.
One of those movies that has fallen into the abyss and with good reason — there’s not much real reason to recommend it and not much to get out of it.
This is in that realm of “it’s just fine,” so there’s nothing really to say about it, good or bad.
114. The Siege of Jadotville
Another army movie. Siege movie, so at least it has that going for it.
Just kind of non-stop action, and period action, so it’s got that. Otherwise it’s just okay. Worth it if you’ll watch any kind of war movie. Otherwise pretty skippable.
113. Sierra Burgess Is a Loser
This is Cyrano de Bergerac (look at the title) set in high school.
Unpopular smart girl has a crush on a hot guy, and teams up with the pretty girl to woo him. She’s the voice and the pretty girl is the face. And they use social media to make it happen.
It’s… I didn’t like it too much, just because the plotting feels lazy and it doesn’t follow much logic, but you know, if you like high school movies, you might be okay with this.
112. Burning Sands
It’s about fraternity hazing. A bit too dour and serious, but overall a decent movie. One of those “watch it if it seems interesting to you, but otherwise you’re fine” kind of movies.
111. The Cloverfield Paradox
Does anyone really enjoy this Cloverfield universe? I think this movie may have made everyone realize that.
It’s got a hell of a cast… but really it’s just about bad shit happening in space. Alien, Life… all that shit. Only this one deals with alternate realities and stuff. It’s got a whole lot of stuff going on, none of which amounts to anything interesting.
You can get through it because it’s of a certain production quality that it’s just watchable, but I don’t know why anyone would go out of their way for this, unless it’s for the cast.
110. The Perfect Date
This is like, the quintessential rom com storyline. And for that, I am not downgrading it. Also the main character has the quintessential rom com name. Brooks Rattigan? That’s so on-the-nose it’s disgusting. You’re either the lead in a rom com or the villain in The Great Mouse Detective.
Anyway… premise is… dude is trying to save up money for college, so he develops an app on a whim where he will be (insert title here). He will show up as whoever you want him to be for a date. So it’s like prostitution without the sex. Want someone to go to a renaissance fair? He’ll do it, and he’ll commit. And so on and so forth. Of course, along the way, he’s falling in love for real, and there’s all that… it’s pure rom com.
I thought, going in, and in the first five minutes, I was gonna hate it. Ultimately it won me over and was perfectly fine. I feel like if you really love rom coms, then you’re most likely to get something out of this. I’m not sure it’s a particularly good movie, but if you’re the type who will eat up anything in this genre, I think it’s fine.
It’s Groundhog Day but with time travel.
Basically a time travel machine is in the garage, and a husband and wife wake up in bed minutes before they get killed. So they have to keep going through this to figure out how not to get killed and stop the loop.
It’s totally watchable, but nothing special.
108. A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding
The sequel. the first one was surprisingly okay. This one was… surprisingly average? The Netflix Christmas Universe (X-Masverse? Holi-Date Movies? … P.S. how is there not one of these called The Holidate yet?) is in full swing by this one, to the point where they rushed to put this out a year after the first one came out.
It’s a continuation, like The Princess Diaries 2… of course there has to be a wedding. And then a baby for the third one.
These movies are paint by numbers, and you know what you’re getting all around. I expect them all to be dog shit going in, but this one was actually not half bad. So there’s that.
107. When We First Met
Another Groundhog Day ripoff. Adam Devine is friend-zoned and is in love with her, even though she’s about to get married to someone else. Though through the magic of a magical photo booth (how millennial), he can relive the night they met (Halloween, naturally) and maybe change the future to one he prefers. Of course, each time the night goes different, the future changes to something else, and yada yada yada… you can guess where everything goes.
The Groundhog Day plot generally makes all these movies watchable, but it also prevents them from being particularly good. This seems to be for people who don’t know Groundhog Day exists. Because for everyone else, they’re probably thinking, “Why am I not just watching that instead?”
106. The Legacy of a Whitetail Deer Hunter
This is a Jody Hill movie. After Eastbound and Down, and Observe and Report, you’d expect it to be great, and hilarious. This, just kinda falls flat. There’s no real comedy in it, and it just kinda hums along for 80 minutes without a purpose.
Josh Brolin is a famous hunter who puts out videos (like Steve Zissou, but for killing deer), and wants to reconnect with his son, who grew up with iPhones and stuff. So he takes him out on his first hunt, thinking it’ll be a great video. Of course, the kid doesn’t give a shit and things go wrong… you know the drill.
I wish I could say this was worthwhile, but it just… doesn’t come together. You’ll get through it, but at the end you won’t really know what you got out of it or remember much of anything that happens.
105. Handsome: A Netflix Mystery Movie
It’s a throwback detective story, except built around the talents of Jeff Garlin. It kinda works. It’s only 80 minutes, so it flies.
Doesn’t amount to a whole of a lot, but there are interesting people in it, and this came out at the time when there were only like 30 Netflix movies, so it felt a bit more momentous than it would if it came out now.
Otherwise, it’s a decent enough diversion if you decide you wanna go there.
104. The Kindergarten Teacher
This is part of the increasing trend of festival movies that end up on Netflix. Which… is probably the only way people would ever go and actually see this.
Maggie Gyllenhaal plays a teacher who is a failed poet. She finds that her student randomly makes beautiful poems out of nowhere (sure) and decides she wants to hone his talent. But of course it’s all part of a self-serving need, and things just go weird from there. It’s very indie, and not particularly interesting.
This is one of those movies where, it’s just kind of average. Which means there’s a very narrow window of people who will want to seek this out and actually really like it.
103. The Angel
Based on the true story of the son-in-law of Nassar and advisor to Sadat who was secretly also an Israeli spy.
This is a thriller where… it’s like all those other historical thrillers that come out… if you’re interested in the history or like political thrillers you’ll get something out of it. If you don’t really care, it’s just kind of a capable movie that totally works if you want to spend the time with it.
102. The Outsider
Jared Leto joins the Yakuza. That’s it. That’s the film.
The movie is about an American that joins the Yakuza, so it’s not like they cast an American in place of a Japanese person. But also, the movie doesn’t tell an interesting enough story to make you feel like it was worth telling over some other Yakuza movie.
It’s perfectly watchable, but… kinda gets boring the deeper in he gets. The early stuff, in the Japanese prison, is interesting, and the initial Yakuza stuff is fine, but once he starts ascending and goes all Last Samurai with the head guy’s daughter, it loses almost all interest.
This is about as average as it gets for a Netflix movie.
101. The Silence
If you like post-apocalyptic thrillers, you’ll get something out of this. It’s not Bird Box, and it’s got issues, but it’s totally watchable.
Basically, some primordial bats or something get let out and start murdering everyone. They’re blind (because they’ve lived in caves, and operate on sound) and it’s kind of Quiet Place-y. So A Quiet Place meets The Birds. So this family (whose daughter is deaf, also like A Quiet Place) has to survive. So it’s part road movie, part The Mist, where once people start figuring out how to get by, some overly fucked up religious group shows up.
It’s derivative as hell, but I honestly expect that out of your run-of-the-mill Netflix movie. Mostly it’s just watchable. And it’s got Stanley Tucci, which makes it just a bit more worthwhile.
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