Five Word Film Reviews (2019)

One of my (admittedly very few) good qualities is that I will make some dumb joke and it’ll be funny for a minute and then later on, I’ll think, “You know, what about that…” This article started as a joke. I made a bad joke while reviewing a movie at the movie’s expense and said, “There’s the five word film review of it. Take that, Hemingway!” And then, cut to a few months later, I think, “What if I tried to do that for all the movies?” And now this is the sixth year I’m doing it.

To give you an example of what I do with this, here are some five word reviews from last year: Bird Box — The Apocalypse Will Be Blindfolded; Creed II — Baby Creed vs. Baby Drago; Ready Player One — Charlie and the VR Factory; A Quiet Place — Don’t Procreate During the Apocalypse; The Grinch — This Movie Stink… Stank… Stunk; Red Sparrow — Not a Natural Atomic Blonde; The Wife — So Far, Yet Glenn Close; Incredibles 2 — Where Are We on Capes?; The Hurricane Heist — Features Zero Tropical Storm Thefts; Acts of Violence — For Sale: Bruce Willis. Always; Can You Ever Forgive Me? — *Insert Fyre Fest Blowjob Guy*; Studio 54 — Don’t We All Miss Drugs?; Summer ’03 — That’s When Seabiscuit Came Out; 6 Balloons — *Count Voice* AH AH AH!; Ralph Breaks the Internet — Ralph Really Broke My Heart; Bad Times at the El Royale — It Was a (•_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■  (⌐■_■)… Bad Time; Dude — Where’s My Car? (Applause Break); The Old Man & the Gun — *Chekhov Sits Forward* “Go On…”; Mary Poppins Returns — And She’s Out for Revenge.

And one more, just because I can’t believe I managed to get that far with it: A Star Is Born — I’m Off the Deep End (or: Watch As I Dive In) (or: I’ll Never Meet the Ground) (or: Crash Through the Surface) (or: Where They Can’t Hurt Us) (or: Far from the Shallow Now). So yeah, you get the idea.

Oh, and for those keeping track, I started working on these a month ago! So I didn’t wait til the last minute this time! I mean, sure, I wrote most of them in the past like, week, but still. Some responsibility was had.

Here are my five word film reviews of the films I saw in 2019:

2018 + Unreleased

Amundsen – Norwegian Explorer Biopic, Fuck Yeah!

Animals – The Moral: Never Stop Partying

Based on a True Story – And Yet, It’s Totally Fictional

The Boat – Man Trapped on Supernatural Boat

Children at Sea – New Band: “Raised by Dugongs”

City of Lies – Johnny Depp Solves Biggie’s Murder

A Good Woman Is Hard to Find – Single Mother Kills Drug Dealers

Fisherman’s Friends – Shanty-Singing Sailors Get Famous

Horrible Histories: The Movie – Roman History in Comedy Sketches

Les Misérables – ♫ Do You Hear the People… ♫

Pink Wall – 500 Indie Vignettes of Summer

Portrait of a Lady on Fire – A Documentary About Yeast Infections

A Rainy Day in New York – Woody Allen Thinks It’s 1979

Ride Like a Girl – Female Jockey Wins Australian Derby

Surprise – How Not to Do Cardiology

This Magnificent Cake – The Prequel to Marie Antoinette

Top End Wedding – Sounds Like a Reality Show

The Tower – Love Mixed Animation Style Films

Upin & Ipin: The Lone Gibbon Kris – Sounds Like Scottish Rambling, Right?

Weathering with You –  Boy Befriends Weather Changing Girl

The Wolf Hour – Naomi Watts Gets Really Paranoid



State Like Sleep – Nice Way of Saying ‘Coma’

Escape Room – What This Movie’s Theater Becomes

The Vanishing – The Lighthouse, But Less Weird

American Hangman – Probably What Trials Will Become

A Dog’s Way Home – Stop Making These Dog Movies

The Upside – American ‘Intouchables’ Remake’; It’s Decent

ReMastered: Massacre at the Stadium – About Victor Jara’s Political Assassination

Fyre – ‘Greatest Party That Never Happened’ (or: That Blowjob Scene Is Incredible)

Fyre Fraud – Everyone Should Be in Jail

The Last Laugh – Dreyfuss, Chase Road Trip Comedy

Ashes in the Snow – The Original Blade Runner Monologue

Against the Clock – Right. This Movie Fucking SUUUUCCKED.

Glass – Shyamalan Fucks Up His Momentum

Io – Last People on Earth Fuck

The Standoff at Sparrow Creek – Hitchcockian Single Location Militia Thriller

Close – Noomi Rapace Thriller, Not Glenn

Polar – Mads Mikkelsen Does John Wick

The Kid Who Would Be King – Throwback 90s Style Kid’s Movie

Serenity – Craziest Plot Twist of 2019 (or: It’s All a Video Game!!!)

Rent Live – Oh Yeah. This Was Respectable.



Velvet Buzzsaw – Pretentious Art Critics Get Murdered

Miss Bala – Unnecessary American Remake Everyone Ignored

Piercing – A B Movie Phantom Thread

Then Came You – Generically Fine Coming-of-Ager

Arctic – Mads Mikkelsen Survives the Arctic (or: Basically a Weekday for Him)

Cold Pursuit – Liam Neeson with Snow Plow

Berlin, I Love You – They’ve Really Killed This Franchise

High Flying Bird – What Soderbergh’s Moneyball Would’ve Been

To Dust – Hasid, Matthew Broderick Bury Pig

The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then the Bigfoot – Forgot What This Was About

ReMastered: The Two Killings of Sam Cooke – They Did Sam Cooke Dirty

Untogether – I Keep Hearing Three Amigos

The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part – Never Understood This Franchise’s Appeal

The Prodigy – Honestly Totally Forgot This Movie

What Men Want – Is It to Zigazig Ah?

Isn’t It Romantic – ‘Final Girls’, But Rom Com

Alita: Battle Angel – Pinocchio, But with a Robot (or: Female, So It’s Not Chappy)

Happy Death Day 2U – Here We Go Again… Again

Fighting with My Family – Unlikely Wrestler Becomes WWE Star

Trading Paint – John Travolta VOD Racecar Movie

Lords of Chaos – Norwegian Death Metal Dark Comedy

O.G. – Jeffrey Wright as Prison Lifer

Donnybrook – Is a Very Underutilized Word

Paddleton – Like a Knockoff Peruvian Bear

How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World – They Somehow Keep Finding Dragons



A Madea Family Funeral – Like, the Whole Family Died?

Greta – Isabelle Huppert Stalks Chloe Moretz

Apollo 11 – Absolutely Incredible Moon Landing Documentary

The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind – What’d He Do With It?

The Hole in the Ground – Like a Great Black Pit (or: What, No Sondheim Fans Here?)

Leaving Neverland – Hoop Dreams, But with Pedophilia

Among the Shadows – Shitty Lindsay Lohan Werewolf Movie

Captain Marvel –  First Female Superhero; Eleven Years

Gloria Bell – A Romance of Middle Age

The Kid – Vincent D’Onofrio Makes a Western

I’m Not Here – I’m Looking at You, Brian

Juanita – Alfre Got Her Groove Back

Walk. Ride. Rodeo. – Stream. Sleep. Forget. Move On.

Triple Frontier – Soldiers Rob a Drug Lord

Captive State –  Fighting Against the Alien Overlords

Wonder Park – Completely Forgettable Animated Kids Fare

Five Feet Apart – The Fault in Our Lungs

The Aftermath – Dated Post WWII Romantic Intrigue

The Hummingbird Project – Jesse Eisenberg Has a Plan

Nancy Drew and the Hidden Staircase – More Nancy Drew Movies, Please

Starfish – Can It Regrow a Plot?

The Mustang – Violent Convict Trains a Horse

Finding Steve McQueen – Did You Check ‘Hollywood Forever’?

Never Grow Old – Western. Nice Try, But Meh.

The Inventor: Out for Blood in Silicon Valley – But That Fake Voice, Though

Us – Horror Movie About Class Relations

Sunset – ‘Son of Saul’ Director’s Latest

Hotel Mumbai – The Worst Exotic Marigold Hotel (or: Because Terrorists Took It Over)

Out of Blue – And Into Black? Neil Young?

ReMastered: The Miami Showband Massacre – Irish Band Bombed During ‘Troubles’

The Dirt – Exceedingly Average Mötley Crüe Biopic

Junglee – Bollywood Is Not My Genre

The Chaperone – Lifetime Level Louise Brooks Biopic

The Highwaymen – Lawmen Catch Bonnie and Clyde

The Beach Bum – McConaughey Ambles Through Life

Dumbo – Tim Burton’s Cry for Help



The Best of Enemies – Black Mom Befriends Klan Leader

Pet Sematary – Don’t Let Illiterates Make Signs

Shazam! – Big, But with a Superhero

Peterloo – Mike Leigh Movie About Massacre

High Life – Juliette Binoche’s Space Fuck Machine

The Public – Really Nice Little Library Movie

Storm Boy – Little Boy Raises a Pelican (or: *Scarface Voice* Come on, Pelicans!)

Amazing Grace – Aretha: The Equivalent of Church

Unicorn Store – Hey Kids… Wanna Buy Unicorns?

The Wind – Woman Loses Mind on Frontier

The Haunting of Sharon Tate – This Movie Was 100% Unwatchable

Native Son – Adaptation of the Novel; Solid

Fosse/Verdon – Sam Rockwell. Michelle Williams. Greatness.

The Silence – Quiet Place, But for Netflix

The Man Who Killed Don Quixote – And Then The Bigfoot Next? (or: Can’t Believe Gilliam Finally Succeeded)

Missing Link – Sasquatch Wants to Find Family

Hellboy – A Reboot That Doesn’t Work

After – More Overly Serious YA Bullshit

Little – Literally, the Opposite of ‘Big’

Teen Spirit – Cinderella, But with American Idol

The Perfect Date – Is April 25th, Of Course (or: Because, You Know… Light Jacket)

Crypto – Why’s Kurt Russell in This?

Her Smell – Elizabeth Moss Has Many Breakdowns

Guava Island – More Like GUANO Island, Amirite?

Breakthrough – More Insulting Faith-Based Garbage

The Curse of La Llorona – *The Knack Voice* M-M-M-My Llorona!

Fast Color – Mother-Daughter Drama, with Superpowers

Little Woods – Sisters Survive However They Can

Be Natural: The Untold Story of Alice Guy-Blaché – The Overlooked Early Cinema Pioneer

Carmine Street Guitars – Greenwich Village Shop Makes Guitars

Stockholm – The Origin of the Syndrome

Stuck – At Least It Wasn’t 9/11

Under the Silver Lake – An LA Hipster Murder Mystery

Drunk Parents – They Aren’t Even Drunks, Though

Someone Great – Woman Gets Over a Breakup

Benjamin – Drug Intervention Goes Stupidly Wrong

Okko’s Inn – Orphaned Girl Trains as Innkeeper

Red Joan – Judi Dench as a Spy

JT LeRoy – Woman Poses as Fake Author

ReMastered: Devil at the Crossroads – Robert Johnson Selling His Soul

The White Crow – A Russian Ballet Dancer Defects

Avengers: Endgame – They Actually Stuck the Landing (or: “And I Am Iron Man”)



Long Shot – Secretary of State Romances Journalist (or: Surprisingly Sweet, Mature Rom Com)

The Intruder – Dennis Quaid Refuses to Leave

Uglydolls – A Real Piece of Shit

The Last Summer – Overdramatic Movie About High Schoolers

Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile – Ted Bundy, Not-Great Lawyer

Ask Dr. Ruth – But I’m Asking You, Brent

Knock Down the House – Women Start Changing Political Norms (or: Not a Moment Too Soon)

Detective Pikachu – It’s All About This Tweet:

The Hustle – Shitty Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Remake

Poms – Old Women Become Cheerleaders (Because…?)

The Biggest Little Farm – Basically ‘We Bought a Farm’ (or: Some Real White People Shit)

Tolkien – What You Tolkien ‘Bbout, Willis? (or: Are You Tolkien to Me?)

Wine Country – Comedians Nominally Make a Movie

Charlie Says – Like Simon Says, But Manson

Malibu Rescue – Rescue Me from This Movie

Life Like – Ever Wanna Fuck Your Robot?

American Exit – Dane Cook Stars in This

Good Sam – Reporter Searches for Samaritan’s Identity

All Creatures Here and Below – That Title Is Five Words

The Professor and the Madman – Gibson, Penn Create the Dictionary (or: That’s Seriously What It’s About)

John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum – Keanu Headshots Many More Randos

A Dog’s Journey – The Journey Is to Heaven (or: That’s Not Even a Joke)

The Sun Is Also a Star – The Fault in Our Passports (or: A Visa to Remember)

The Souvenir – Young Film Student’s Toxic Relationship

Slaughterhouse Rulez – Boarding School Overrun with Monsters

Trial by Fire – More ‘Trial BECAUSE of Fire’

ReMastered: The Lion’s Share – ‘Lion Sleeps Tonight’ Royalties Fraud

The Professor – Dying Man Gives Zero Fucks

See You Yesterday – Time Travel Movie with Message

We Have Always Lived in the Castle – But Where Is the Princess???

The Tomorrow Man – Survivalist and Hoarder Get Together

Echo in the Canyon – The Music of Laurel Canyon

Aladdin – Prince Ali, Redundant Is He

Brightburn – Origin Story of a Supervillain

Booksmart – Valedictorians Finally Decide to Party

The Perfection – 2019’s Best Thriller You’ve Missed

Rim of the World – Aliens Invade During Summer Camp

The Poison Rose – John Travolta as Noir Detective

Domino – De Palma Works For Fire (or: Say It Ain’t So, Brian)

Always Be My Maybe – Randall Park / Ali Wong Romance

Ma – The Autobiography of Jane Darwell

Godzilla: King of the Monsters – Too Many Monsters, No Plot

Rocketman – Elton John: The Jukebox Musical



Dark Phoenix – Ignominious End for the X-Men

The Secret Life of Pets 2 – Wasn’t Interested the First Time

Late Night – A Waste of Emma Thompson

The Last Black Man in San Francisco – Gentrification Is a Real Motherfucker

Pavarotti – The Portrait of a Tenor

I Am Mother – If HAL9000 Raised a Child

Pachamama – Kid Wants to Be Shaman

Funan – It’s an Animated ‘Killing Fields’

Framing John DeLorean – Weird Documentary with Fictional Scenes

The Black Godfather – Clarence Avant: Dude Knows Everyone

Rolling Thunder Revue – A Dylan Story by Martin Scorsese

Men in Black International – A Complete and Utter Fuckup

Shaft – Bad Mother (Shut Yo Mouth) (or: But I’m Talkin’ About Shaft)

American Woman – STAY AWAY FROM ME, YEAH! (or: Please, You Thought It Too)

The Dead Don’t Die – Zombie Movie by Jim Jarmusch

Murder Mystery – Sandler, Aniston, Murder, Intrigue (Well…)

Blue Note Records: Beyond the Notes – What Letting Creators Create Does

Daughter of the Wolf – Don’t Fuck with Gina Carano

Beats – Security Guard Helps Music Prodigy

The Edge of Democracy – Have They Politicized Lady Gaga? (or: The Political Turmoil of Brazil)

Toy Story 4 – The End of Woody’s Story (or: Some Toys Get Left Behind)

Child’s Play – We Really Didn’t Need This

Wild Rose – There’s No Place Like Glasgow (or: Scottish Woman Dreams of Nashville)

Anna – La Femme Nikita, But Different

Nightmare Cinema – This Movie Is My Nightmare

Burn Your Maps – Jacob Tremblay: Mongolian Goat Herder

Ophelia – The Female Perspective of Hamlet

Kursk – Bad Things Happen in Submarine

Killers Anonymous – Support Group for Contract Killers

Maiden – First Female Boating Race Captain (or: Begging to Be a Feature)

Annabelle Comes Home – With a Pack of Smokes?

Yesterday – Everyone Suddenly Forgets The Beatles



Spider-Man: Far from Home – Spider-Man Goes on Vacation (or: More Like a… Roamin’ Holiday)

Midsommar – Hereditary Director Does ‘Wicker Man’ (or: Don’t Piss on Ceremonial Trees) (or: A Metaphor for Bad Breakups) (or: But Seriously, the Tree Thing)

Escape Plan: The Extractors – They’ve Made Three of These!

My Days of Mercy – Opposite Sides of Protest Fuck

Marianne & Leonard: Words of Love – Leonard Cohen and His Muse

Stuber – Collateral, But as a Comedy

Crawl – I Mean… Gators Gonna Gate

The Art of Self Defense – Jesse Eisenberg Learns Some Karate

The Farewell – Don’t Tell Grandma She’s Dying (or: The Babysitter’s Totally Fine, Though)

Summer Night – Tell Me More, Tell Me… (or: Did You Get Very Far?) (or: Does He Have a Car?)

Point Blank – Just a Straight Action Movie

Secret Obsession – Lifetime Movie Quality Netflix Thriller

Above the Shadows – What Does That Even Mean?

Into the Ashes – Seriously, Are These Mad Libs?

Luz – Really Creepy Low Budget Thriller

Sword of Trust – Marc Maron Pawn Shop Comedy


Skin – White Supremacist Turns New Leaf

Astronaut – Richard Dreyfuss Goes to Space

The Great Hack – Facebook Helps Do Evil Things

Honeyland – The Trials of a Beekeeper

For Sama – Mother’s Letter to Her Daughter

The Mountain – Jeff Goldblum Gives People Lobotomies

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood – Quentin Tarantino’s Ode to Cinema

Woodstock: Three Days That Defined a Generation – My Generation’s Defined By Pokémon

Share – Social Media Post Reveals Assault

The Red Sea Diving Resort – Argo, But in a Hotel



Hobbs & Shaw – How’s Vin Feeling About This?

Luce – Honor Student Has Dark Side

The Nightingale – Irish Woman Gets Her Revenge (or: The Hidden Gem of 2019)

Them That Follow – A Nice Snake Cult Movie

Otherhood – Felicity Huffman: Best Mom Ever

Love Antosha – Doc About Anton Yelchin’s Life

A Score to Settle – Nic Cage Has (Insert Title) (or: Probably with the IRS, Though)

The Operative – Diane Kruger Becomes a Spy

Dora and the Lost City of Gold – This Was Surprisingly Okay

The Kitchen – Women Decide to Be Gangsters

The Art of Racing in the Rain – Pretty Much Just, “Don’t Slip”

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark – What If It’s Light Out?

Brian Banks – Convicted Footballer Fights for Innocence

After the Wedding – Is the Afterparty (Hotel Lobby) (or: It’s the Remix to Ignition)

The Peanut Butter Falcon – Guy Wants to Be Wrestler

Ode to Joy – Guy Faints When He’s Happy

Light of My Life – Casey Affleck: Defender of Women

Rocko’s Modern Life: Static Cling – Nostalgia That Warns Against Nostalgia

The Angry Birds Movie 2 – Did This Require a Sequel?

Adam – Feels Offensive to Trans People

One Child Nation – China Committed Low-Key Genocide

Aquarela – Just Awesome Shots of Water

The Banana Splits Movie – It’s a Horror Movie, Though

Blinded by the Light – Revved Up Like a Deuce (or: Basically ‘Bend It Like Springsteen’)

47 Meters Down: Uncaged – Maybe Go 20 Meters Down

Where’d You Go, Bernadette – You’re Not My Parole Officer

Good Boys – Superbad, But with Middle Schoolers

Driven – Conman Helps Bring Down DeLeorean

Sextuplets – Starring Marlon Wayans… And Marlon…

The Amazing Johnathan Documentary – A Documentary Befitting Its Subject

Hitsville: The Making of Motown – Great Music and Great Stories

Tigers Are Not Afraid – Pan’s Labyrinth for Drug Violence

American Factory – Chinese and Americans, Working Together

Ready or Not – The Most Dangerous Game Honeymoon

Angel Has Fallen – But There Wasn’t Face-Stabbing

Overcomer – I Certainly Overcame This Movie

Brittany Runs a Marathon – She Does Run a Marathon

Give Me Liberty – “Why Is Nobody Choosing Death?”

Jacob’s Ladder – WHO GAVE JACOB A LADDER?!!!

Hot Air – Conservative Host Cares for Niece

Vita and Virginia – Virginia Woolf Lesbian Romance Drama

Falling Inn Love – It’s All About the Title

Angel of Mine – Wasn’t That a Monica Song? (or: Fuck Yeah, 90s Music References!)

The Fanatic – Fred Durst Directs John Travolta (or: And the Results Are Magical)

Killerman – Criminal Gets Amnesia After Job

Official Secrets – Keira Knightley Does Some Whistleblowing

Ne Zha – I Don’t Understand Chinese Cinema

Don’t Let Go – Frequency, But with Cell Phones

Before You Know It – Surprisingly Charming New York Indie



It Chapter Two – There Goes The Good Will

Night Hunter – Cops Search for Kidnapping Pedophile

Ms. Purple – Korea Siblings Care for Father

Strange But True – Dead Guy’s Girlfriend Is Pregnant

Linda Ronstadt: The Sound of My Voice – Nobody Can Sing Like Linda

The Goldfinch – Extremely Boring and Incredibly Close

Hustlers – Wannabe Goodfellas Female Strippers Movie

Monos – Lord of the Militia Flies

The Sound of Silence – Hello Sundance, My Old Friend…

Tall Girl – But Short on Anything Interesting

3 Days with Dad – That’s Also Called ‘a Bender’

Another Day of Life – Reporter Covers War Zones; Animated

Freaks – My Favorite Discovery of 2019

Ad Astra – Heart of Darkness in Space

Rambo: Last Blood – How Much Was Even Left?

Downton Abbey – Countesses in Corsets Getting Caustic.

Diego Maradona – He Did Lots of Cocaine

Between Two Ferns: The Movie – Ferns Weren’t CGI, At Least

Running with the Devil – Cage and the Drug Trade

Corporate Animals – Team Building Exercise Goes Wrong

Villains –  Couple Breaks Into Wrong House

Promare – Anime Is Not My Genre

Zeroville – What The Fuck Was This?

Abominable – Zendaya Wasn’t Meechee; I’m Out

The Day Shall Come – Very Odd Tone, This One

The Death of Dick Long – The Cause of Death…  Wow

In the Shadow of the Moon – Really Great Procedural/Sci Fi

Pretenders – Uber Pretentious James Franco Movie (or: Is There Any Other Kind?)

10 Minutes Gone –  The Effort Bruce Puts In

Judy – Renée Zellweger Plays Judy Garland

The Laundromat – Soderbergh Attempts ‘The Big Short’



Joker – You’re Doing Marty, We Know

Lucy in the Sky – Space Movie with No Space

Pain and Glory – Aging Director Does Heroin, Reminisces

Primal: Tales of Savagery – Caveman and Dinosaur Buddy Story

Dilili in Paris – Little Girl Investigates Kidnappings (Naturally)

Low Tide – Summer Delinquents Find Some Treasure

Dolemite Is My Name – And Fucking Up Motherfuckers Is…

In the Tall Grass – Don’t Go Into the Cornfield

The Parts You Lose – Somehow Not an Amputation Comedy

Little Monsters – Lupita Nyong’o Fucks Up Zombies (or: Basically a Weekday for Her)

Gemini Man – Will Smith vs. Will Smith

The Addams Family – A Disgrace to This Property

Jexi – Her: The Bad Comedy Version

Parasite – Rich Family/Poor Family; Incredible

The King – King Timothee Does Some Shakespeare

El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie – Sequel/Wrapup to the Show

Fractured – Breakdown, But in a Hospital

Mary – Oldman on a Ghost Boat

Lucky Day – This Movie Thinks It’s 1997

Jay and Silent Bob Reboot – Clever Conceit; Not Half Bad

Zombieland: Double Tap – More Zombie Killing, More Fun

Maleficent: Mistress of Evil – A Sequel to a Remake (or: And They’re Both Really Shitty)

The Lighthouse – Why’d Ye Spill Yer Beans?

Jojo Rabbit – Boy’s Imaginary Friend Is Hitler

Greener Grass – The Weirdest Comedy of 2019

Eli – Sick Kid Might Not Be

Wounds – Bad Things Happen to Armie

Sweetheart – Cast Away, with a Monster

Kill Chain – Cage Pays That Tax Bill

The Kill Team – Soldier Decides Whether to Snitch

Rattlesnake – Pay It Forward, But Murder

The Cat and the Moon – Solid Debut for Alex Wolff

Farming – Nigerian Immigrant Joins Skinhead Gang

The Girl on the Third Floor – Horror Comedy About Toxic Masculinity

The Current War – Edison vs. Westinghouse: Electricity Battle

Frankie – Rich People in Nice Places

The Bronx, USA – Documentary All About Da Bronx

Countdown – Isn’t That Every App, Though?

Black and Blue – ‘Cop on the Run’ Thriller

Western Stars – Bruce Springsteen Sings His Album



Terminator: Dark Fate – Judgment Day Just Got Rescheduled

The Irishman – It’s Martin Scorsese’s Cheyenne Autumn (or: What Kind of a Fish?)

Motherless Brooklyn – Tourette’s Detective Solves Mentor’s Murder

Harriet – Harriet Tubman Really Deserved Better

Arctic Dogs – Terrible Z Grade Animated Movie

The Etruscan Smile – Dying Scot Visits His Son

The Apollo – The Importance of a Theater

American Son – Parents Search for Missing Son (or: Single Location Police Station Drama)

Holiday in the Wild – What Is This Hallmark Shit?

Paradise Hills – This Wasn’t an Acid Flashback?

Adopt a Highway – I’ll Adopt Whatever I Want

Undercover Brother 2 – I’ll Be Honest… I Laughed

The Little Mermaid Live – Unholy Abomination of an Event (or: It Was Barely Even Live!)

Marriage Story – First, Kill All the Lawyers (or: The Dissolution of a Marriage) (or: It’s Really a Divorce Story)

Doctor Sleep – Shining Sequel We Didn’t Need

Last Christmas – He Gave Her HIS Heart

Midway – About Twenty Years Too Late

Playing with Fire – Firefighters Must Deal with Kids

Honey Boy – Really Expensive Form of Therapy (or: He Plays His Own FATHER)

Primal – Nic Cage, Boat, Loose Jaguar

Let It Snow – YA Ensemble Netflix Christmas Movie

Cold Brook – William Fichtner Directed a Movie

Love Is Blind – She Keeps Knocking Into Stuff

Crown Vic – It’s Basically ‘Bad Training Day’

Lady and the Tramp – F. Murray Abraham’s In This! (or: Best Disney Remake of 2019)

Noelle – Elf But with Anna Kendrick

Charlie’s Angels – Well This Was a Mistake

Ford v Ferrari – v Predator v Joe v (or: It’s Really Shelby v Ford)

The Good Liar – Ian McKellen Cons Helen Mirren

Waves – 2019’s Most Emotional Cinematic Experience

The Report – Spoiler Alert: We Tortured People

Earthquake Bird – Alicia Vikander, Japan, Murder

Klaus – The Origin Story of Santa

Feast of the Seven Fishes – What Growing Up Italian’s Like

I Lost My Body – So… The Hand Is Speaking? (or: S’Also ‘I Lost My Hand’)

Frozen II – D’ya Wanna Build a Sequel?

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood – Tom Hanks Is Mr. Rogers (or: What More Do You Need?)

21 Bridges – THEY ADDED BRIDGES IN POST!!! (or: Original Title was 17 Bridges)

Dark Waters – DuPont Knowingly Fucking Poisoned Us

The Knight Before Christmas – I Deeply Respect the Pun

Age Out – Not About Leonardo DiCaprio’s Girlfriends

The Courier – Olga Kurylenko Kicks Some Ass

Hala – Pakistani Girl Comes of Age

Holiday Rush – DJ Gets Fired Before Christmas

White Snake – Snake Demon Loves Snake Hunter

The Two Popes – One Pope Goes One Way…

Queen & Slim – Bonnie/Clyde with a Message

Knives Out – A Good Old-Fashioned Whodunit



Playmobil: The Movie – ‘Playmobil: We’re Just Shitty Legos!’

The Aeronauts – Movies Need More Balloon Action

A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby – What Happens From January-November?

Daniel Isn’t Real – Imaginary Friend’s a Real Psychopath

A Million Little Pieces – Really Solid Little Rehab Movie

Grand Isle – Sometimes Cage Doesn’t Even Try

Trauma Center – Bruce Willis, Cashing Those Paychecks

In Fabric – Murderous Dress Keeps Offing People

Jumanji: The Next Level – We Really Needed This Sequel (or: The Rock Does Danny DeVito)

Black Christmas – The Zootopia of Slasher Movies

Richard Jewell – Security Guard Becomes Bombing Suspect

A Hidden Life – Terrence Malick Returns to Plots

Uncut Gems – This Is How I Win

Bombshell – Spoiler Alert: Fox News Sucks

Seberg – From Breathless to Black Panthers

The Death and Life of John F. Donovan – The F stands for Flibbertigibbet

6 Underground – 100% Michael Bay’s Wet Dream

Shaun the Sheep: Farmageddon – Pun Subtitle. I Can’t Hate.

Togo – A Diss Track Toward Balto

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker – How’s Last Jedi Looking Now?

Cats – The Stuff of Nightmare Fuel

She’s Missing – Friend Goes Missing During Rodeo (or: Hate It When That Happens)

Spies in Disguise – Only One’s in Disguise, Though

Little Women – Greta Gerwig Makes Another Masterpiece

Just Mercy – Lawyer Helps Death Row Prisoners

The Song of Names – Sadly, It’s Not The PokéRap (or: Electrode, Diglett, Nidoran, Mankey, Venusaur…)

Clemency – Death Row Warden’s Heavy Conscience

1917 – One Shot WWI Film; Stunning

– – – – – – – – – –

One response

  1. Really funny reviews here!

    I’m a fan of Bollywood, but just wondering what made you check out Junglee?

    February 7, 2020 at 7:03 pm

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