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Mike’s Movie Reviews

2018: The Year in Reviews (Part II)

It’s the second batch of reviews, guys.

I’ve been gone for most of the summer, recharging my batteries after the pile of shit that was the first 60% of this year. Which really means that I’ve been laying low and watching so many movies it’s disgusting when you put a number to it. (Which I will: Blade Runner 2049, last October, was my 5,000th new movie since I graduated college. As of Tuesday, I’ve crossed 5,800. I was also at 100 movies for 2018 in April’s reviews article. Now I’m at 260. I started this year seven weeks late and I’m currently seven weeks ahead of last year’s pace. Go figure.)

In terms of 2018 as a movie year, it’s pretty much been a giant dumpster fire. I’ve hated every year of the past few pretty much up through this point (since almost all the good movies come out between September and December), but this year in particular has a very special kind of diarrhetic quality to it that makes it stick out. I can’t think of a weaker year in the last ten.

To put a finer point on it: while I disliked previous years through the summer, last year I’d already banked what would become two top ten films and three 11-20 films. 2016, I had four top ten films and two 11-20 films. 2015, three top ten films… you get the point. This year, there’s only one film I’d even consider letting near my top ten, and if it does end up making it, it would be pretty historic (more on that later). At best, everything else I’ve liked so far is at best tier two in any other year.

So, yeah, spoiler alert, this year sucks, and my thoughts on most things are pretty much, “It’s just fine” or “I don’t care.” There’s so little that stands out, the final quarter of the year better be really good, otherwise we’re looking at the weakest overall year in almost thirty.

But hey, at least you can all read what I thought about Book Club, right? (more…)

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2018: The Year in Reviews (Part I)

This has been a weird year so far. January and February were two of the strangest months of my life, and as such, I didn’t even start watching movies until late February. The first movie from 2018 I saw was Black Panther… and that was in its second weekend. I didn’t get going on everything else until after the Oscars. So everything you’re about to see is stuff that was all watched in the last eight weeks.

Last year at this time, I’d watched 96 movies. And that number started (as it usually does) around the end of January. I was five weeks behind this year. I originally put that in here to explain to you why the total this year is way lower than it was last year. But no. I hit 100 movies yesterday. Go figure.

Anyway, here’s the first batch of films I’ve seen so far from this year. We’ll check back after August for the next batch. (more…)


Five Word Film Reviews (2017)

This article has become a real treat to write every year. This year, I knew I’d wait until the last minute and not have anything, so I pushed it to Oscar weekend instead of early January, so that way I could wait even longer until the last minute and rush to get it all done over like, four days. (It helps to know oneself really well.)

You remember that famous Hemingway six word short story? Well, this is me doing that for movie reviews. I came up with the idea after writing a review for the Vanessa Hudgens movie Gimme Shelter (which I’m sure you all saw). I wrote some joke and said, “There’s your five word film review for this one.” And the idea took. This whole site is ideas that took. (Too bad shutting the fuck up won’t take with me, amirite, guys???)

Notable examples of five word film reviews from last year, to give you an idea of what we’re going for: Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk — Could’ve Used a Longer Walk; Suicide Squad — RIP D.C. Universe (2016-2016); Finding Dory — Maybe Just Stop Losing Fish; Snowden — The Government Watches You Masturbate; Bridget Jones’s Baby — What Happened to Her Diary?; The Dressmaker — High Plains Drifter with Backstitching; Paterson — More Like Adam BUS Driver!; Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice — HA HA HA HA… Martha.

I think you get the idea. It’s a fun exercise to try. And of course, me being me, I try it 400 times.

Here are five word film reviews of the movies I saw in 2017: (more…)


2017: The Year in Reviews (The Films That Didn’t Get Released)

We’ve gone over everything that came out (almost all of which I saw, in case I hadn’t mentioned). Now we’re gonna go over what didn’t.

This list is populated predominantly with indies that weren’t given release dates, many of which will end up on VOD at some point over the next year, films I’ve been tracking for over a year that still haven’t come out, or movies that got pushed into the new year, probably because of quality issues. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, in some cases. Because it allows me to reevaluate. I can decide if I want to keep paying attention to it or drop it altogether.

These are all movies that either had dates and got moved, or are ones I talked about back in January that still haven’t come out. I’ll remind you what each film is about, tell you what the status of it is, and decide whether or not I want to continue paying attention to it for next year’s Film Release Calendar.

Here are the films of 2017 that didn’t get released: (more…)


2017: The Year in Reviews (December)

If we’re comparing the movie year to the sports year, and the Oscars are the championship game and Oscar season is the playoffs, then what we’re getting into is the end of the season. We’re playing out last game, and we’re about to start giving out MVP awards and taking stock of how everything went.

Each year, at the start of the year, I preview everything I can that’s scheduled to come out (and even a bunch of stuff that isn’t scheduled yet). In doing so, I guess what I’m going to eventually rate that movie when I see it. So now, at the end of the year, as we recap everything that came out, we see how I did. Plus, also, I see everything, so this also can be used for people to see if something they didn’t see or know about during the year is worthwhile.

I’ve been posting reviews articles throughout the year (Part III was yesterday) that capture my thoughts as we go along. Don’t want you guys to think I’m trying to cheat these things. What I do in these articles is post what I thought I would think back in January, along with my actual reviews from seeing the films, and then a final rating, after having had time to digest the film for a period of time.

I turn it into a game to see how accurately I can guess ratings for all the movies a year in advance (I’m gonna see everything anyway. Gotta make it interesting somehow), but mostly it serves as a way to give a complete picture of my feelings about each movie I see.

And finally, December. (more…)


2017: The Year in Reviews (November)

If we’re comparing the movie year to the sports year, and the Oscars are the championship game and Oscar season is the playoffs, then what we’re getting into is the end of the season. We’re playing out last game, and we’re about to start giving out MVP awards and taking stock of how everything went.

Each year, at the start of the year, I preview everything I can that’s scheduled to come out (and even a bunch of stuff that isn’t scheduled yet). In doing so, I guess what I’m going to eventually rate that movie when I see it. So now, at the end of the year, as we recap everything that came out, we see how I did. Plus, also, I see everything, so this also can be used for people to see if something they didn’t see or know about during the year is worthwhile.

I’ve been posting reviews articles throughout the year (Part III was yesterday) that capture my thoughts as we go along. Don’t want you guys to think I’m trying to cheat these things. What I do in these articles is post what I thought I would think back in January, along with my actual reviews from seeing the films, and then a final rating, after having had time to digest the film for a period of time.

I turn it into a game to see how accurately I can guess ratings for all the movies a year in advance (I’m gonna see everything anyway. Gotta make it interesting somehow), but mostly it serves as a way to give a complete picture of my feelings about each movie I see.

Home stretch. We’re up to November. (more…)


2017: The Year in Reviews (October)

If we’re comparing the movie year to the sports year, and the Oscars are the championship game and Oscar season is the playoffs, then what we’re getting into is the end of the season. We’re playing out last game, and we’re about to start giving out MVP awards and taking stock of how everything went.

Each year, at the start of the year, I preview everything I can that’s scheduled to come out (and even a bunch of stuff that isn’t scheduled yet). In doing so, I guess what I’m going to eventually rate that movie when I see it. So now, at the end of the year, as we recap everything that came out, we see how I did. Plus, also, I see everything, so this also can be used for people to see if something they didn’t see or know about during the year is worthwhile.

I’ve been posting reviews articles throughout the year (Part III was yesterday) that capture my thoughts as we go along. Don’t want you guys to think I’m trying to cheat these things. What I do in these articles is post what I thought I would think back in January, along with my actual reviews from seeing the films, and then a final rating, after having had time to digest the film for a period of time.

I turn it into a game to see how accurately I can guess ratings for all the movies a year in advance (I’m gonna see everything anyway. Gotta make it interesting somehow), but mostly it serves as a way to give a complete picture of my feelings about each movie I see.

On to October.
(more…)