One of my (admittedly very few) good qualities is that I will make some dumb joke and it’ll be funny for a minute and then later on, I’ll think, “You know, what about that…” This article started as a joke. I made a bad joke while reviewing a movie at the movie’s expense and said, “There’s the five word film review of it. Take that, Hemingway!” And then, cut to a few months later, I think, “What if I tried to do that for all the movies?” And now this is the sixth year I’m doing it.
To give you an example of what I do with this, here are some five word reviews from last year: Bird Box — The Apocalypse Will Be Blindfolded; Creed II — Baby Creed vs. Baby Drago; Ready Player One — Charlie and the VR Factory; A Quiet Place — Don’t Procreate During the Apocalypse; The Grinch — This Movie Stink… Stank… Stunk; Red Sparrow — Not a Natural Atomic Blonde; The Wife — So Far, Yet Glenn Close; Incredibles 2 — Where Are We on Capes?; The Hurricane Heist — Features Zero Tropical Storm Thefts; Acts of Violence — For Sale: Bruce Willis. Always; Can You Ever Forgive Me? — *Insert Fyre Fest Blowjob Guy*; Studio 54 — Don’t We All Miss Drugs?; Summer ’03 — That’s When Seabiscuit Came Out; 6 Balloons — *Count Voice* AH AH AH!; Ralph Breaks the Internet — Ralph Really Broke My Heart; Bad Times at the El Royale — It Was a (•_•) ( •_•)>⌐■-■ (⌐■_■)… Bad Time; Dude — Where’s My Car? (Applause Break); The Old Man & the Gun — *Chekhov Sits Forward* “Go On…”; Mary Poppins Returns — And She’s Out for Revenge.
And one more, just because I can’t believe I managed to get that far with it: A Star Is Born — I’m Off the Deep End (or: Watch As I Dive In) (or: I’ll Never Meet the Ground) (or: Crash Through the Surface) (or: Where They Can’t Hurt Us) (or: Far from the Shallow Now). So yeah, you get the idea.
Oh, and for those keeping track, I started working on these a month ago! So I didn’t wait til the last minute this time! I mean, sure, I wrote most of them in the past like, week, but still. Some responsibility was had.
Here are my five word film reviews of the films I saw in 2019: (more…)
This went from a joke I made in a review once to something I do every year. I love doing this article. It got tough for a year when I forgot to work on it and had to scramble to do it in like, a week, but now that I moved it from top of January to just before the Oscars, it makes it way easier for me to not start writing them until the last minute and pull it off more easily.
The premise behind this is simple. You know the famous Hemingway six word short story? Well, I’m doing that for movies. Only with one less word. Some people say brevity is the soul of wit. I say fuck that.
Notable examples of five word film reviews from last year, to give you an idea of what we’re going for: The Shape of Water — Sally Fucks the Fish Man; xXx: The Return of Xander Cage — He Never Left My Heart; The Lost City of Z — Hunnam, the Wrath of God; The Space Between Us — The Fault in Our Mars; Moomins and the Winter Wonderland — *In Seinfeld Voice* Hello, Moomins; Call Me by Your Name — Elio and the Giant Peach; Woodshock — *Kirsten Dunst Does Weed Once*; Wonder Wheel — *Pulls Out Acoustic Guitar* Anyway….; The Emoji Movie — 💩 💩 💩 💩 💩
So yeah, those are nine examples. Now you’re about to get about 500 more. (Also, I know this has become a bit of a running joke with me. 2016 I forgot about it and had to write all my reviews in about ten days. Last year, I pushed the article later to prevent that, still forgot and had to write them all in two weeks. This year… totally forgot I had to do these until exactly two weeks ago. Yet somehow… finished it early! Eight days early! That’s called growth.)
Here are five word film reviews of the movies I saw in 2018: (more…)
This article has become a real treat to write every year. This year, I knew I’d wait until the last minute and not have anything, so I pushed it to Oscar weekend instead of early January, so that way I could wait even longer until the last minute and rush to get it all done over like, four days. (It helps to know oneself really well.)
You remember that famous Hemingway six word short story? Well, this is me doing that for movie reviews. I came up with the idea after writing a review for the Vanessa Hudgens movie Gimme Shelter (which I’m sure you all saw). I wrote some joke and said, “There’s your five word film review for this one.” And the idea took. This whole site is ideas that took. (Too bad shutting the fuck up won’t take with me, amirite, guys???)
Notable examples of five word film reviews from last year, to give you an idea of what we’re going for: Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk — Could’ve Used a Longer Walk; Suicide Squad — RIP D.C. Universe (2016-2016); Finding Dory — Maybe Just Stop Losing Fish; Snowden — The Government Watches You Masturbate; Bridget Jones’s Baby — What Happened to Her Diary?; The Dressmaker — High Plains Drifter with Backstitching; Paterson — More Like Adam BUS Driver!; Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice — HA HA HA HA… Martha.
I think you get the idea. It’s a fun exercise to try. And of course, me being me, I try it 400 times.
Here are five word film reviews of the movies I saw in 2017: (more…)
One of my favorite traditions I’ve started on this site is coming up with these Five Word Film Reviews. It’s my version of the Six Word Short Story. I came up with one by accident, thought it was funny and said, “What if I did this for every movie this year?” And here we are.
Some examples of five word film reviews from last year, to give you an idea of what we’re going for: Beasts of No Nation — Child Soldier Sees Some Shit; The Danish Girl — Hawking Cuts His Dick Off; A Very Murray Christmas — And a Happy Bill Year; Spring — Before Sunrise with Squid Monsters; Everest — Climbing Mountains Usually Ends Badly; Rock the Kasbah — The Shareef Don’t Like It!; Terminator Genisys — Hasta La Vista, Terminator Franchise; Straight Outta Compton — Crazy Motherfucker Named Ice Cube.
I think you get the idea. It’s a fun exercise to try. And of course, me being me, I try it 400 times. And because this year I forgot to start working on it throughout the year, I had to come up with shit to say over like, two weeks. That was fun. The words “hot off the presses” are an understatement with this one.
Here are five word film reviews of the movies I saw in 2016:
This became a new tradition last year. I thought up a funny review and realized it succinctly reviewed the movie and my feelings about it in five words. It reminded me of those six word short stories people do. So I decided to try it with every movie I saw. And here we are.
Some examples of five word film reviews from last year, to give you an idea of what we’re going for: Nightcrawler — If It Bleeds, It Leads; Whiplash — Blood, Sweat and Drum Sticks; Boyhood — Boy Grows Up on Film; Chef — Food as Metaphor for Movies; The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby — Father McKenzie: Still at Large; The Maze Runner — “Fuck You, Maze” — The Runner.
I think you get the idea. It’s a fun exercise to try. And of course, me being me, I try it 300 times. Here are five word film reviews of the movies I saw in 2015: (more…)
I got this idea during the year. I think it was when I wrote my review of Gimme Shelter. I won’t ruin it here, but as I wrote it, I realized it was a very succinct five word review of the movie. And then I thought, “I wonder if I could do that for every movie…” That’s how it starts with me. And now here we are.
Of course, not all of them are serious. In fact, I devolve into jokes pretty quickly. But they are a lot of fun to do. And they test your ability to be accurate and succinct. Or accurate, funny and succinct.
In case you don’t know what five word reviews are (which, it should be obvious), it stems from the six-word short story, and that famous tale that Ernest Hemingway bet everyone he was drinking with ten dollars he could write a short story in six words. And he wrote: “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” This is a movie version of that. Examples of five word movie reviews are: The Wizard of Oz — There’s No Place Like Home; Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? — Burton, Taylor Drink, and Argue; and one of my personal best: Atonement — This Cunt Ruined Our Lives.
I think you get the idea. It’s pretty simple. And I thought it would be fun to do them for the entire year that is 2014. Which of course will most likely make it a recurring feature here on the blog. So, without further delay, here are five word movie reviews of all the films I saw in 2014: (more…)