This article has gotten so much more difficult for me to write over the past couple of years. It was easy when I was 22 and could get up a good, deep hatred for a movie I thought was inferior. But as the years have gone on (this is the tenth Unforgivables list, can you believe it?), the amount of films I was truly angry about each year grew to be less and less. At this point, I’d have a hard time even telling you 50% of the stuff I listed over the past three years. Because now, what makes me angry is more esoteric. Sure, bad stuff gets made, but usually I’m mad because they spent $200 million on something that was never going to be good, or the same tired actors are making the same tired comedies over and over. I find that, most of the time, I just don’t care when something is bad anymore. And really, the thing that drove this article wasn’t listing all the worst films (I never really did that and there are already dozens of people who do), it was the fun gotten out of all the shit I would come up with in my anger toward a movie. But now, when the anger’s gone, what’s left?
I think what I’m saying is that this is going to be the last Unforgivables list I write up for this site. I’m going to retire it. I like it, I think it’s provided some great stuff over the years (the Batman v. Superman rant remains one of my favorite things I’ve done), but I think it’s run its course. I may continue with some version of this in the future, or I may just move onto something new that I haven’t even thought of yet. But for now, I think it’s time we put this old girl out to pasture, and go out a year too early than three years too late. (Though arguably if I consider Batman v. Superman the peak, this does technically count as three years too late. So maybe let’s just stick with the ‘on my own terms’ angle of this retirement.)
Of course, now that I said that, next year is gonna be full of awful movies and I’m gonna regret having done this. But that’s the beauty of it… who says I can’t come out of retirement if I want?
Anyway, let’s saddle up this pony one last time and go see what fresh garbage the year has given us. (more…)
This is the Bruce Wayne to my Batman. Or the Batman to my Bruce Wayne. Depending which side of the schizophrenia you think is the normal one.
Always on the final day of the year, I post my Top Ten list. But, the day before, we post this. The Razzies to my Oscars, the Hugo to my Bart, the bear to my Leonardo DiCaprio. This is the Unforgivables list. The list of films that I fucking hated this year.
This is the 9th Annual Unforgivables list. The tradition began when I saw the movie The Switch in 2010 (Bateman, Aniston, jizz cup) and got so mad while watching it I wrote up a Jerry Maguire memo to tell them how awful it was and how they should never see it. And it went over so well, I decided to start doing it every year. Other previous ‘winners’ since The Switch have been Just Go With It (2011), Big Miracle (2012), Identity Thief (2013), Heaven Is For Real (2014), Vacation (2015), Batman v. Superman (2016) and most recently, The Emoji Movie (2017).
This year is an interesting year in that I wasn’t overly in love with most movies. I liked a lot of stuff, but there was nothing I had really strong feelings for. And, now that I watch so much stuff each year, my feelings often tend to fall toward the middle with a lot of things. I don’t hate things as much as I used to. Of course, every year by Thanksgiving I tell myself I can’t come up with a top ten list or an Unforgivables list, and yet every year, we manage. But this year I was interested to see where the hatred would lay, since in recent years I’ve moved away from the obvious Adam Sandler/Melissa McCarthy movies at the top and gone more toward studio stuff with no soul. I’ve started going into these lists by wiping the slate clean. Doesn’t matter what I rated something, doesn’t matter what I previously thought of something. If I feel it should be on, it’s on. (more…)
I think you guys know what this is by now. The tens of you who read this look forward to this day, don’t you?
On December 31st every year, I post my Top Ten list. On December 30th, however, it’s something else entirely. If the Top Ten list is the Oscars of this site, the Unforgivables list is the Razzies. Or the Indie Spirit Awards. Rather than wearing tuxes and being all formal, we’re all getting shit-faced in a tent somewhere, ranting about how our childhoods were ruined and how Adam Sandler is a piece of shit now.
I always like to begin with two notes. First, this list began in 2010, when I saw the movie The Switch (Bateman, Aniston, jizz cup) and was so angry at what I was watching that I stopped the movie to write up an angry rant about it, which was so well-received that it became tradition. This is the 8th Annual Unforgivables List. Previous ‘winners’ (on top of The Switch, of course) include: Batman v. Superman (2016), Vacation (2015), Heaven Is For Real (2014), Identity Thief (2013), Big Miracle (2012) and Just Go With It (2011).
And second, for what you’re all sure are the stringent criteria for inclusion on this list — one thing. Just one thing. The movie has to make me angry while I watch it. That’s it. I could enjoy the movie. But if it pisses me off, it’s a contender. Last year, Suicide Squad made the list. I was fine with it. I even enjoyed small parts of it. But it made me angry on a bunch of different levels (not to mention it being post-Batman v. Superman, which made me so angry I began writing up its Unforgivable entry in April. Which you can check out here, because it may be some of my best work), so it made it on.
Oh, the other ‘rules’, I guess you can call them: 1) no sequels, and 2) no films we all knew would be shitty to begin with. So as much as you all wanna assume Monster Trucks was gonna make it on (and yes, that was this year. I know it was a while ago), that’s not what this is about. (more…)
You know how the Razzie Awards are given out the day before the Oscars? Well, on this site, the day before I list my favorite films of the year, we have the Unforgivables.
What does it mean to call a film Unforgivable? For me, it’s not just that the film was bad. In fact, the film might have even been perfectly entertaining or even liked by a lot of people. It’s the fact that the film is so unholy and so despicable to you personally that it actually makes you angry that it exists as you watch it. That’s the only criterion. It’s not about quality. It’s about, “I fucking hated this movie and now let me tell you how mad I am.”
This list began in 2010, when I watched the movie The Switch (the one with Jason Bateman, Jennifer Aniston and the jizz cup) on an unassuming Thursday night in August. I got about fifty minutes into the film before I physically had to stop watching it in order to write to all my friends and tell them why they shouldn’t see the movie. And it was funny. Because nothing is more amusing than an unbridled spew of invective. So I posted it here, and a tradition was born.
This will be the seventh time I have posted an Unforgivables list, and I have become exceedingly efficient at it. (more…)
For every yang, there is a ying. If I can pick my favorite films from a year, I can most certainly pick my least favorite.
The Unforgivables List began in 2010. I watched the movie The Switch (Jason Bateman, Jennifer Aniston and the jizz cup), and I got maybe 40 minutes into it before I got so irrationally angry that I had to stop and tell all of my friends they should avoid the movie like raw meat from the floor of a dive bar in Mexico. They thought what I wrote was funny. So I put it up on here, along with tirades against other movies that made me angry from that year. And then it became a thing I do.
This will be the sixth Unforgivables list. Previous “winners” (along with The Switch) have been Just Go With It, Big Miracle, Identity Thief and Heaven Is For Real. (more…)
I’m a big fan of symmetry. Tomorrow, I’ll be listing my favorite films of the year. Today is the 2014 Unforgivables list.
The Unforgivables List began in 2010. I saw the movie The Switch (the movie with Jason Bateman, Jennifer Aniston and the jizz cup), and it made me so irrationally angry that I actually had to pause the movie and write an angry rant about it to my friends, warning them to never watch the movie. It went over well. So I decided to make it a thing.
This will be my fifth Unforgivables list. The previous “winners” (after The Switch), were Just Go With It, Big Miracle and Identity Thief. Which means that every year, the movie that pissed me off the most starred either: Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston, Jason Bateman or Drew Barrymore. Just to give you something to look forward to.
The rules for the Unforgivables list are as follows: 1) Regardless of what I rated the film, it needs to have made me angry upon watching it. At this point, that’s pretty much it. I generally try not to feature something I knew going in would be terrible (like, say, I Frankenstein), but sometimes they’re just so bad I can’t help myself. I also generally try not to include sequels, but in this day and age, it’s hard to maintain that rule. So really the only rule is that the film has to piss me off in some way. And there are always enough of those.
Here are the Unforgivable films of 2014: (more…)
It’s time to go over the shit. The darkest before the dawn. That moment you scrub all the crusted stuff off the plate with the brillo pad before you can give it that nice wash to make it clean. Because before I can go over the best films of the year, I have to go over the worst.
It’s time for the Unforgivables list.
The Unforgivables list started pretty unintentionally. Over the summer of 2010, I was home from college, just starting my Oscar Quest, and generally being a lazy individual. I was filling time watching all the 2010 movies I’d missed and had sat down to watch a movie called The Switch. (It’s the movie where Jason Bateman spills Jennifer Aniston’s artificial insemination jizz and fills the cup up himself and fathers her child. You know, like Citizen Kane.) And while watching that movie, I got so unbelievably mad that I had to pause the movie and send an angry message to all of my friends, warning them to never watch the movie. And it turned into a pretty hilarious angry rant, which became legend among my friends. (You can read the rant, as well as all my Unforgivables lists here.) Fast forward to six months later, I’m starting the blog and I figure I might as well begin it with a list of my favorite films of the previous year. And then I was quickly asked by a friend, “Are you gonna berate the shitty ones, too?”
Which is what I did. My first article was a top ten list, and my second article was an Unforgivables list. I got to reuse that Switch rant, and come up with a few more. And since then, it’s become an annual tradition for me, berating a bunch of movies that made me angry but comically exaggerating my hatred for them. It’s led to some pretty amusing little rants. (more…)