Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Mans Chest (2006), Part II — “Cannibullshit”

Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we start Dead Man’s Chest. Part II.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the second part of Dead Man’s Chest:

We begin Part II with these two.

Oh, right. First the lens flare.

Colin:

Gotta get your flare-on.

Sacco and Vanzetti? I forget what their names are. Were we ever told them?

Colin:

Not these two again. They got out?

That’s gonna be said about me one day. I’m gonna show up somewhere, and someone’s gonna ask, “You got out?”

You know you can’t read.

They escaped from prison.

Colin:

Ah, that’s why Pryce couldn’t find the dog.

Apparently this one got the religion.

That won’t last long.

Colin:

But it’s already lasted long enough.

He doesn’t want to steal a ship. They’re not immortal, so he wants to save their souls.

“You know you can’t read.”

YES!

“It’s the Bible, you get credit for trying.”

Yeah, okay. Tell the fundamentalists about “no child left behind.”

Colin:

They showed up at this island? So are they gonna be part of the gang now?

This is totally how you’d get to Jurassic Park back in the day.

TALLY HO!

“Must have seen a catfish.”

Colin:

You’re both gross.

Colin:

Some seafarers you are. Even I know about this shit.

Colin:

They look like the gross, white, pirate version of Gnarls Barkley.

Equinsu ocha.

Colin:

Are those TOES? Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding. That’s disgusting. How is this Disney?

That’s a big fucking toe, too.

So this is happening.

Colin:

This is why I don’t fucks wit tribal motherfuckers.

Kind of a diversion from a plot.

I don’t even have puns for this.

Because this is ridiculous.

How long did it take to fasten those? Did they make them all stand still as they tied it together?

It seems impossible to get them in there and get it made at the same time without someone running off.

So Jack is the chief, but only stays that way as long as he acts like a chief. They think he’s a god in human form. So they’ll roast and eat him when it’s done, to “release him” from his human form.

Those cages are made from the rest of the crew.

All of my puns right now are… bone dry.

Look at these fuckers. Why is this happening?

He tells them to make the fire bigger.

So there IS a fat cannibal!

Colin:

Why don’t they just eat this fatass?

Look at Mola Ram down at the bottom, there.

Just dive into the fucking water. Look how nice that shit is.

Or… run there.

I… honestly have nothing to say here.

Paprika.

This is an interesting moment, since he doesn’t really know what’s going on ashore.

“Oh, bugger.”

Colin:

Well, this is awkward.

Well now he just… riks.

Where did cannibals learn how to tie knots?

This seems fun.

This is stupid as all get out, but at least it looks good.

Colin:

I was just about to say. This is dumb as fuck, but what a view.

“Come on, men! It’ll take all of us to crew the Black Pearl!”

First — shouldn’t he just be saying “the Pearl”? Why must all his blatant exposition also sound like exposition?

“Actually, you wouldn’t need everyone. ‘Bout six would do.”

Second – why is this even being said? Out loud? Shouldn’t he realize it, say it to the guys in his ball, and they work to get up faster? Why tip them off as well?

Best face ever.

“Oh, dear.”

I like how he looks over at Gibbs, like, “Yeah… that’s a pretty accurate calculation.”

“CLIMB!”

So now they’re racing.

Third – why would you do this? Do you not trust each other that much? Isn’t it better to have more people to take on the cannibal savages? Why would you only want six people? To leave the rest to be eaten? This pretty much seems like an all or nothing scenario. I don’t see why you only need half of you to survive. You get up top, and if the other’s make it, they make it. If not, they don’t. I don’t see why a race becomes necessary outside of stakes raising. At least if you’re gonna raise the stakes, make it relevant and don’t just do it to do it. Classic sequel mistake.

Colin:

Yeah, I didn’t get this at all. Just get up together, get to the Pearl and get that shit out. This seems like the ones who get to the top first are gonna cut the other ones down or something. Why are they fighting?

Uh oh. There’s a guy. I guess it’s now the Bridge on the River… Kwai-et.

Colin:

This bridge is WAY the fuck up in the air next to water and sheer cliff faces, which is like a prescription for strong winds. How is this thing not flipping all over the fucking place? How’d they make it in the first place? Was it like how they extended the first line over Niagara Falls using a kite?

Colin:

I do want to do that, though. Tell my boys to keep going with that shifty-ass wave.

Colin:

This is why you always make sure the line running down to your hanging cages are less than half as long as the span.

Fourth – why would you audibly freak out if there’s a snake? Why does everyone freak out? Wouldn’t you sort of go, holy shit, and then throw it? Maybe you make a noise, but you don’t scream like a fucking bitch.

Fifth – really? A snake? At that exact moment? Come on, now. This shit only works when everything works. And this doesn’t work.

Colin:

Snake. Red, black, yellow, black, red. Not poisonous.

Colin:

What is wrong with your FACE? Who’s trying to fuck that?

I wouldn’t.

Not by the stick in his chinny-chin-chin.

Sixth – isn’t it convenient that all the important characters were in the same cage?

Colin:

Damn good thing our core crew members were all put in the same cage for some weird reason.

They’ll be fine.

Colin:

What’s with these cartoonishly ridiculous drops and precipices and stuff?

That’s why you don’t hang your food over an abyss.

Faces.

Yeah, sure, bring fire onto a bridge like that.

Let me guess… ‘white devil, white devil’?

Colin:

I really do lack respect for tribes like this. And it’s not a racial thing at all. It’s like…stop spending your lives performing religious rituals and shit. The Aztecs wasted time and people on human sacrifice…and that all worked out well.

Literally replace that with any religion and it still stands.

“Well go on, go get them.”

Colin:

Like I always say — you’re about to kill someone and another person shows up to distract you, so you KILL the person first and then figure out what’s up.

Well, now you’re at the top, but you’re still in the ball.

It’s time to work some of your… Orlando Magic.

Pretty sure you’d catch fire from that.

Pretty sure.

How come you don’t leave some people behind, either? This dude has already run away once.

Look how fucking easy he broke out of those ropes, too.

I’ve never actually figured out… what is that stick thing he keeps on his head?

Colin:

Natives need to stop chasing people like this.

How are those skulls keeping that thing together?

What kind of cannibal architect do they have?

And naturally it starts rolling.

I guess they won’t be… gathering any moss.

There’s no way that midget isn’t killed.

Look at Gibbs. Gibbs has a death wish.

There’s no way you’re not all instantly killed in that thing.

Yeah, that’s… death.

Colin:

Oh yeah fucking right. They’re all injured as hell, or this cage breaks immediately.

Colin:

Always with the midget jokes. But this is one I’m okay with them repeating.

What I don’t get is how he keeps going from one top village to the other. Isn’t there some way DOWN the fucking mountain? Why not take that?

Colin:

This kid. This is the image. Cannibalism.

Wouldn’t it be great if he slapped him in the face with that stick?

You can’t just steal silverware from a cannibal like that.

Colin:

Not unless you’re a badass.

This face.

Who fucks these people?

How do any of them fuck?

How do any of them not eat each other?

I’m confused right now.

His tongue looks like a pair of titties.

Run and stab them in the chest. That would be awesome.

Colin:

That was surprisingly accurate.

Colin:

Wipe yourself off. You got jizz on your face.

Are these fuckers still rolling?

I’ve lost interest.

So that breaks you out of it but the first one didn’t?

Colin:

What do we really have to say about this whole sequence?

Nothing.

And I have no problem with that.

There is no way not one of them is accidentally killed right now.

You’re throwing fruit at him? You’re CANNIBALS!

I appreciate a visual gag, but come on, now.

Colin:

Now this is just ridiculous.

Colin:

Isn’t this bamboo?

Also, that happened.

That’s… a decapitation.

And then they say some random shit.

Fun shot.

Colin:

It’s an interesting image, I’ll give them that.

How is he not dead from all of this, though?

Also, now they have to go fix all of those bridges.

Weird how they were built exactly on top of one another like that.

Just… absolute death.

Interesting angle.

Colin:

I really have nothing to say about all this.

MIDGET RUNNING!

I like shots of this.

Also, how the fuck did you get that thing in the water with just the two of you?

“We’ve done it for you! Knowing you’d be coming back!”

“Make ready to sail, boys!”

This moment is funny to me. Because Gibbs shows up and is like, “Good work.” Even though they’ve been in jail this whole time and have just magically shown up at the location of the Pearl. And Gibbs doesn’t consider this at all and is just like, “Great job, helping us out.” And meanwhile they’re stealing the ship and immediately go right back to bitch position, as part of the crew. And even when he’s like, “We did this because we knew you guys’d be back!” Gibbs completely ignores him. This is comedy.

Colin:

Sort of reminds me of A Hard Day’s Night when the cops are all chasing the Beatles around London and they keep running by as the guy’s trying to steal a car. And then finally, as he’s hotwiring it, a cop gets in and tells him to give chase. And the guy just lifts his collar and pulls his hat down and starts to drive, like, “Yeah…this is my car.”

“What about Jack? I won’t leave without him!”

First off – this is their ship. You’re an interloper here. Second – remember the big deal they made about the code last movie? You think because they came back once, they’ll just wait for him?

Colin:

“Start the plane, Chuck!”

Colin:

“START THE PLANE, CHUCK!” That’s exactly what this is.

“Time to go.”

Third – what the fuck is that about? You say you won’t leave and are now all of a sudden like, “Peace”?

Also – what the fuck is that line? That’s awful. You’re telling me there’s no alternate take where he said something better than that? That delivery is awful. And that line is awful. I feel like I saw an alternate line he said in a trailer or something that was much better than this. “Time to go” is such a terrible line, and his delivery is even worse. It completely kills the moment.

This shot is fun, though.

“Alas, my children. This is the day that you shall remember as the day that you almost—”

“…Captain Jack Sparrow.”

Colin:

Repeated that joke, too.That’s what this movie is.

Colin:

“FOUL! IS THIS REF BLIND?!” Is what it looks like they’re all saying. But this is actually like the end of Where the Wild Things Are.

Why would you chase the dog? That’s hardly a meal.

But whatever, we’re done with this shit.

(Also, didn’t Life Aquatic do the exact same gag?)

Gibbs wants to go out to sea and put as much distance between them and that island as possible. Jack says yes, only if they stick to the shallows as much as possible.

“I have every faith in your reconciliatory navigation skills, Master Gibbs.”

I want to have reconciliatory navigation skills.

“Now where is that monkey, I want to shoot something.”

Colin:

Okay, so I assume this is where the plot all unfolds, now that we’re done with the cannibullshit.

Colin:

You’re gonna spit on that and then put it in your face? Are you kidding me?

“Jack – Elizabeth is in danger.”

“Have you considered keeping a more watchful eye on her? Maybe lock her up somewhere?”

“She is locked up, in a prison, bound to hang for helping you.”

“There comes a time when one must take responsibility for one’s mistakes.”

“I need that compass of yours, Jack.”

“Mr. Gibbs – we have a need to travel upriver.”

“By need, do you mean a trifling need, a fleeting, as in, say, a passing fancy?”

“No, a resolute and unyielding need.”

“What we need to do is make sail for Port Royal with all haste.”

“William – I shall trade to you the compass if you will help me find this.”

“You want me to find this.”

“No – you want you to find this.”

Colin:

Yup. Plot unfolding.

“Because the finding of this finds you incapacitorially finding and/or locating in your discovery the detecting of a way to save your dolly belle, oh – what’s her face? Savvy?”

“This is going to save Elizabeth?”

“How much do you know about Davy Jones?”

~~“All there is.”~~

~~“A lot. I’m a huge Monkees fan.”~~

“Not much.”

“Yeah – it’s gonna save Elizabeth.”

Colin:

They’re literally five minutes out from that goofy adventure they just had. Why is it that nobody in a movie ever goes, “That was some SHIT we just did. Fuck.”

Colin:

Well there’s an interesting tableau.

Gibbs is the best at random facial reactions.

NICE SHOT.

Shots.

“What’s all this?”

“If you both fancy the dress, you’ll just have to share and wear it one after the other.”

Colin:

Quite the little tea party we’re having here.

They say the ship is haunted. There’s a female presence amongst them.

“All the men, they can feel it.”

This boat is pretty small. They must notice it by some point, right?

How do they piss? How does she piss?

Colin:

Disney females don’t piss. Or shit. Or fart.

What, you mean Snow White never walked out of that cottage like, “Goddamn, son. Don’t go in there for the next ten minutes!”?

“The ghost of a lady, widowed before her marriage, I figure it. Searching for her husband, lost at sea.”

“A virgin, too, likely as not.”

Why did we need that?

Reaction shots.

“And that bodes ill by all accounts.”

Colin:

She’s Ballad of Little Jo’ing.

Keira’s on the sea. Looks like she ain’t just no… land ho.

One wants to throw the dress overboard. The other one says it’ll piss the spirit off. They need to figure out what it needs and get it back to her.

The captain calls them a pair of superstitious goats and says all it means is that there’s a stowaway on board.

“Oh, and uhh – she’s probably naked.”

Colin:

That’ll get the kids laughing. “Oooh! A naked chick!”

How does no one not notice her? Does nobody talk to one another? Are they all idiots?

Colin:

Oh, I thought “upriver” was a euphemism. But I guess they really are going upriver.

Colin:

Anyplace where creepy children have enough free time to sit by the river and stare ominously at you…I’m not interested.

Coin:

I bet it’s Bellsprout all up in here.

“Why is Jack afraid of the open ocean?”

EXPOSITION TIME!

Fortunately, Gibbs is great at exposition, so it doesn’t matter.

“There’s a beast does the bidding of Davy Jones. A fearsome creature with giant tentacles that suction your face clean off, and drag an entire ship down the crushing darkness.”

Lana Turner?

“The Kraken.”

Colin:

It IS called the Kraken! Good good.

MIDGET WITH A BIG GUN!

But apparently the key will spare Jack that fate. He wants the answer bad enough to go to “her.”

Colin:

When we meet “her” there’s nothing scary or dangerous about her. So I assume he just doesn’t like visiting.

“Tia Dalma and I go way back. Thick as thieves we are. Were. Have been.”

I don’t get why they show us these lines. It slowly deteriorates his character.

“I’ll watch your back.”

“It’s me front I’m worried about.”

“Mind the boat.”

Colin:

That bird just peaced and left a mute in charge of the boat. So I’m sure things will go wrong and he’ll be unable to say shit about it.

“Jack Sparrow!”

What does she do all day?

Well she’s… racist.

Colin:

It’s weird seeing Naomie Harris do this, cause I’m much more used to her from Skyfall.

I had the exact opposite reaction. I’m used to her from this, so I was watching, going, “Come on! Just give me one ‘Davy Jones’!”

“You have a touch of destiny about you, William Turner.”

Does she mean dysentery?

A touch of dysentery?

That would be the name of my Oregon Trail movie.

A Touch of Dysentery.

“You know me?”

“You want to know me?”

“There’ll be no knowing here.”

“I thought I knew you.”

“What service may I do you?”

She also demands payment, which Jack brought.

“Look –”

“An undead monkey.”

Colin:

Still confused as to why the monkey is still undead. (Apparently there was a scene at the end of Black Pearl after the credits where the monkey steals another gold piece and gets recursed.)

“Top that.”

“The payment is fair.”

Colin:

But she likes the idea of an undead monkey.

“The compass you bartered from me – it cannot lead you to this?”

How exactly did he barter it?

Also – nice visuals here, with the hat.

“Aye – Jack Sparrow does not know what he wants.”

They wanna know what’s inside the chest.

“You know of Davy Jones?”

Colin:

See, this is Solitaire in a few decades when she ain’t hot anymore. And you’re just left with a woman you don’t wanna fuck who’s into a lot of voodoo shit.

But man — when she was hot…

Apparently he ran afoul of that which vexes all men.

Colin:

COMMITMENT AMIRITE GUYS AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

“What vexes all men?”

“What indeed?”

“The sea!”

“Sums!”

“The dichotomy of good and evil.”

Colin:

Usin’ big words. You know you can’t read. Who knows the word ‘dichotomy’ but can’t read?

“A woman.”

“It was a woman he fell in love with.”

“No, no, I heard it was the sea he fell in love with.”

“Same story, different versions.”

It was a woman as changing and as untamable as the sea.

The pain he felt was too much.

So what did he put in the chest?

“Him heart.”

Colin:

Okay, so we get the BS story about his heart and all that. When do we get to meet the Kraken?

“Literally, or figuratively?”

How could he figuratively do it?

Also — THIS HEART IS COLD!!!!

“The key – he keep with him at all times.”

Does he keep it inside his… dead man’s chest?

“You knew this?”

“I did not. I didn’t know where the key was. And now we do. And all we need to do is climb aboard the Flying Dutchman, grab the key and you go back to Port Royal and save your bonnie lass.”

“Let me see your hand.”

Colin:

I don’t see why he shows her. I’d have been like, “Bitch nah!”

That’s the perfect “How dare you spit on my floor” face.

Colin:

Superstitious people make me uncomfortable.

So… is he stealing this because she made him show her his hand or because he could?

Also, does this ever come back later, or does he just steal it for the sake of stealing it?

Because that could also be a repeated joke.

“Davy Jones cannot make port, cannot step on land but once every ten years.”

Oh, I thought she meant he couldn’t make wine more than once a decade.

“Land is where you are safe, Jack Sparrow.”

“And so you will carry land with you.”

“Dirt?”

“This is a jar of dirt.”

Colin:

Dirt. A jar of dirt. Is this like Insta-Land, or something?

Is that special dirt?

Can’t he find dirt anywhere?

Where did she get that dirt?

“Yes.”

“Is the jar of dirt going to help?”

“If you don’t want it, give it back.”

“No.”

“Then it helps.”

Colin:

I like that. I’m always upset when people give up shit too fast. He might think it’s useless, but he’s holding onto it cause it’s his. Good.

“It seems we have a need to find the Flying Dutchman.”

Graphic match!

Colin:

I do really like that.

“That’s the Flying Dutchman?”

“She doesn’t look like much.”

“Neither do you. Do not underestimate her.”

“So what’s your plan, then?”

“I row over, search the ship until I find your bloody key.”

“And if there are crewmen?”

“I cut down anyone in my path.”

“I like it. Simple, easy to remember.”

Colin:

Good plan.

“If you do happen to get captured, just tell him Jack Sparrow sent you to settle his debt. Might save your life.”

“Douse the lamps.”

Colin:

This dude doesn’t know the fuck he’s doin’.

Colin:

Face/Off

Colin:

Kraken?! Aw, Dutchman.

Holy shit he just fucking CLOCKED HIM.

Colin:

Face/Punch

Colin:

That’s a VERY good trick.

Colin:

I hate how underwater-looking these guys are.

FYI, he just disemboweled a guy and fish came out.

But uh oh. It looks like the tide has… Turner’d.

Now there’s a shot.

Colin:

Why are they all like this? Weren’t they people? Why are they all amphibians now?

“Five men still alive.”

Colin:

He has eyes in the normal place AND in the hammerhead place? weird.

“Do you feel dead?”

“I can offer you an escape.”

“Don’t listen to him.”

Colin:

This Christian is gonna get murdered. Go. Go to your god. Have fun.

“Do you not fear death?”

“I’ll take my chances, sir.”

“To the depths.”

Colin:

I’m glad they don’t immediately turn this guy into some weird fish hybrid all of a sudden.

“Life is cruel.”

“Why should the afterlife be any different?”

Colin:

Is that voice…Bill Nighy? Was this Bill Nighy? Holy crap.

He offers them a chance. 100 years on the crew to postpone the judgment.

Colin:

What’s the point? You’re not gonna CHANGE the judgment and your life will be a living hell anyway.

Naturally, they agree.

“You are neither dead nor dying. What is your purpose here?”

“Jack Sparrow sent me to settle his debt.”

“Did he now? I’m sorely tempted to accept that offer.”

I like when idiots are sent into things not knowing what’s going on.

He literally is a tool right now.

Colin:

Jack, you’re an asshole.

“Oh.”

Colin:

Oh, he’s a quick one. Goku taught him instant transmission?

“You have a debt to pay.”

“You’ve been captain of the Black Pearl for 13 years. That was our agreement.”

“Technically I was only captain for two years, then I was viciously mutinied upon.”

“Then you were a poor captain, but a captain nonetheless.”

“Have you not introduced yourself all these years as Captain Jack Sparrow?”

It’s messed up how little I have to say about all of this.

Probably because of that giant, unnecessary detour we took.

“You have my payment. One soul to serve on your ship is already over there.”

“One soul is not equal to another.”

“A ha! So we’ve established that my proposal is sound in principle, now we’re just haggling over price.”

“Price?”

I love that little popping sound he makes after he says that.

Colin:

I just really don’t like looking at any of them.

“Just how many souls do you think my soul is worth?”

Colin:

They’re bartering for souls now? If Jack’s is worth that much, shouldn’t other people be worth more? Sucks that Bloom’s gotta stay, but that’s totally not happening. I bet they either reach a different agreement at the end or Stellan pulls some Vader shit and fucks up Davy Jones to save his son.