Fun with Franchises

This is the page where you can find everything that has to do with our fun with Franchises series.

Fun with Franchises is basically my friend Colin and I watching a bunch of franchise movies and cracking jokes about them as we watch them and starting the same types of discussions we’d have if we were just sitting and watching them in person. (And to be clear, we’re only doing it because we love these movies. It’s all for parody, and none of this is meant to be taken seriously. All respect and everything to everyone who made these movies.)

Honestly the most fun about all of this for me was picking some random thing from each article that made me laugh and making it the subtitle for each part of the films. Especially when you look at this list and either try to figure out what the hell it was in reference to or when you know exactly what we’re referring to.

Anyway, here’s Fun with Franchises:

Harry Potter

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s/Philosopher’s Stone

Part I – Voldemort: What a Cunt He Was

Part II – Way to Say Slytherin Like an Asshole, Maggie Smith

Part III – That Would Have Made a Nice Christmas Card… If You Weren’t Murdered

Part IV – Sorry You Almost Died, Here’s Some Milk Duds

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Part I – Dobby Unchained

Part II – Scat Man Thomas

Part III – What If Spiders Start Coming Through the Whomping Willow’s Dick Hole?

Part IV – Ten Years Under the Stairs Will Do That to a Person

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Part I – That Maid Just Got Hurricaned in the Face

Part II – Humphrey Boggart

Part III – Dat Pub Ho Dat Err’Body Know

Part IV – Then a Dog Shows Up and Drags Ron Into a Tree Vagina

Part V – Look at the Size of That Pumpkin Dick

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Part I – Ugh, Poor People. Trying to Have Pride

Part II – You’re Telling Me Some Wizards Don’t Like a Little Light Crucio During Sex?

Part III – Was That Racist? I Wanna Feel Like That Was Racist

Part IV – Saudi A-lake-ia


Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Part I – How About Morphing Into Something That Sucks My Dick More Often?

Part II – The Face of Evil Often Comes With a Kitty Broach

Part III – What the Fuck Is Limbo Mist?

Part IV – Do Bitches Actually Love Handlebars?

Part V – Try Not to Make Any Prophecies on the Way to the Parking Lot

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Part I – He Looks Like the Kinda Guy Who Has a Roofie Guy

Part II – Orphans Should Never Be Given Powers

Part III – Some Random Is Gonna Get Hatefucked Tonight

Part IV – You Just Looked Like a Motherfucker That Likes Pineapple

Part V – Why Not Just Do It in Dumbledore’s Mouth?

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1

Part I – Does It Erase Her Mom’s C-Section Scar?

Part II – Good Cop/Bad Cop/Neutral Cop/Elf

Part III – Winter’s Coming and That Tree Should Be More Bundled Up

Part IV – Not the Dirigible Plums!

Part V – Spare the Gob, Spoil the Child

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

Part I – Squibmalion

Part II – Isn’t It Weird That the Elder Wand Has Knuckles?

Part III – Well That Boat’s No Good

Part IV – Ghosts Can’t Give You Handys

Part V – Magic Doesn’t Put Your Parents Back Together

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

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Star Wars

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

Part I – I Love How This Movie Begins With Two Robots Stealing a Car

Part II – Proto-Call Me Maybe

Part III – And Not a Single ‘Woo Hoo’ Was Said

Part IV – This Place Is the Towering Inferno of Space Stations

Part V – How Come They Didn’t Give It a Cold First?

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Part I – I’m Glad My Food Doesn’t Cut Off My Arm When I’m Ready to Eat It

Part II – Maybe One of Those Asteroids Is Leia’s Father

Part III – I Don’t Like Things That Secrete Jizz on My Windshield

Part IV – Bring on the Wookiee Cookie!

Part V – It Ain’t Cheating If He’s in Stasis

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Part I – You’ve Really Made It When You Have an Entourage That Partakes in Your Evil Laughter

Part II – Exposition Is Always Made Better When Spoken by a Giant Lobster

Part III – I Hate All of This

Part IV – Ack-bar, You Make My Day-ay-ayyy!!!

Part V – Somebody Needs to Windex That Helmet

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Part I – So Many Racist Aliens So Far

Part II – This Level of Writing Is Usually Reserved for Adam Sandler Movies

Part III – What the Fuck, George?

Part IV – Shut the Fuck Up, Jar Jar

Part V – You Kind of Have to Drink to Make It Through This Movie

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Part I – This Movie Is an Ouroboros of Awful

Part II – Mr. Binks Goes to Coruscant

Part III – “‘Hey… Your Mom’s Dead. Want Some Blue Shit?’”

Part IV – This Movie Is Kind of Like The African Queen. Only Shitty.

Part V – Does a Marriage Count If Your Witnesses Are Droids?

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Part I – I Think He Has DRAIDS

Part II – Who Wants to Mix Genes With Something That Disagrees With You?

Part III – Please Have Her Give Him a Handy Like Amy Adams and Philip Seymour Hoffman

Part IV – I Kinda Just Want the Subtitle to Be Samuel L. Jackson’s Face

Part V – Why Does Everything I Choke Leave Me?

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

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The Lord of the Rings

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Part I — I Want to Pour My Cruelty and Malice Into Something

Part II — The Hobknoblin

Part III — Sean Bean Just Got AIDS

Part IV — What About a Dwarf’s Salad?

Part V — It’s The Searchers, Just with Midgets Instead of Natalie Wood

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Part I — That’s How You Get Orc-Raped

Part II — “I Will Draw You, Saruman, Like One of My French Girls”

Part III — Fuck Arguments, Drink Mead

Part IV — Hobbits: The Puerto Ricans of Middle Earth

Part V — This Is Why You Can’t Blame Godzilla For Any of the Shit He Did

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Part I — The Days of Wine and Ringses

Part II — Gotta Be Weird to See Your Daughter’s Vajeen Around Some Dude’s Neck

Part III — I Really Want to Make a Polio Joke Right Now

Part IV — America

Part V — Ugh. Peasants Clapping.

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

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The Twilight “Saga”


Part I — So Many Shots of Deer Asshole

Part II — This Wasn’t Nominated for Adapted Screenplay? They Got ROBBED

Part III — This Is the Easiest Movie Drinking Game Ever

Part IV — I’m Actually Concerned That This Film Was Made

Part V — I’m Team Everyone Die in a Fire

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Part I — Hello Biceps, Goodbye Integrity

Part II — This Is Why White Women Suck

Part III — Don’t You Have Homework?

Part IV — What the Fuck Is This Hormonal Sea of Religious Platitudes

Part V — Michael Sheen Wants a Sip of Your Vajay-jay

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Part I — Don’t You Bring Robert Frost Into Your Bullshit

Part II — The Vampire in the Volvo

Part III — Cunta Kinte

Part IV — And That’s How This Plot Continues

Part V — You Couldn’t Find Bullshit Like This on a Cattle Ranch

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1

Part I — “In My Moment of Weakness, I Was Batman”

Part II — But Treasure Cove Was Amazing

Part III — And You Thought This Franchise Couldn’t Get Any Better

Part IV — Fear Leads to Anger. Anger Leads to Hate. Hate Leads to Sparkling

Part V — You Know You Can’t Jizz on a Baby, Right?

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Part I — All the Shitty Has Built to This

Part II — Why Did They Think It Was a Good Idea to Call This a Saga?

Part III — Is This Where We’re At?

Part IV — This Is Stupid

Part V — Why Haven’t They All Died in a Fire?

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

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Pirates of the Caribbean

The Curse of the Black Pearl

Part I — You Know What Must Have Been Awesome? Not the 1740s

Part II — Stop Talking Like a Trollop

Part III — Bananas and Monkey Bitches

Part IV — I Love Watching People’s True Loves Explode

Part V — That’s a Great Way to Accept Your Fate. Covered in Jewels

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Dead Man’s Chest

Part I — Momma Said This Was My Magic Coffin

Part II — Cannibullshit

Part III — Hat People Problems or: Bill Nighy’s About to Ink

Part IV — That’s Like, Super Unhygienic

Part V — Christopher Reef

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

At World’s End

Part I — Singaporean Toilet Water

Part II — “I’m Doing Reasonably Well, as Facial Hair Goes”

Part III — Waxy Chandelier and the Temp Hos

Part IV — A POV Porno But With Boats

Part V — There’s So Much AIDS in Franchises

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

On Stranger Tides

Part I — Gotta Get Them Vittles

Part II — Okay

Part III — Hold My Machete, Tree

Part IV — Go Home and Get Your Fucking Prayer Box

Part V — Shoo, Bitch, Get Out the Way

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

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The Matrix

The Matrix

Part I — $2,000 Whiter Than Usual

Part II — I Hate That He’s Jesus

Part III — What Is This Fuck Doing?

Part IV — Sniffing Bitches and Taunting Unconscious People

Part V — I’m Not One of Those Weirdos Who Knows About Leather

Part VI — Just Go Ahead, Jump Into a Guy

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

The Matrix Reloaded

Part I — Ha Ha, You Got Cockblocked By Being the Messiah

Part II — Less Bullshit, More Hugo Weaving

Part III — Serve the Plessy

Part IV — Squiddledee and Squiddledum

Part V — Am I Rooting for the Robots Now?

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

The Matrix Revolutions

Part I — The Tiny Indian Girl Became Hugo Weaving

Part II — I Often Think About Wires Too in My Spare Time

Part III — Tiananmen Squid

Part IV — This Is Why We Shouldn’t Be Allowed Deities

Part V — The Motherfucker Who Found Jesus

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

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Indiana Jones

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Part I — I Like Stalactites

Part II — Goddamnit Kids, Shut Up and Drink This Wine

Part III — Oh Brown Child, You’ve Really Done It This Time

Part IV — I Know When to Kill My Problems

Part V — God Can See the Call Sheet

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Part I — Uncompromisingly 80s

Part II — Yes, I Have Performed Intercourse on Several Notable Occasions

Part III — The Chuck E. Cheese of Death Cults

Part IV — Norma Rae Dawn Chong

Part V — Ah… Colonialism or: I Do Love This Indian Guy

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Part I — Portugalavanting

Part II — The Doody Decimal System

Part III — When Did Nazi Pussy Become Reprehensible?

Part IV — Shloppy Sheconds

Part V — A God Dick to the Nazi Hole

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Part I — Don’t You Have Money?

Part II — Maya Angelou & Malcolm Xcavation

Part III — The Goddamn Russians Are Still Dancing

Part IV — Right in the Comrade-Maker

Part V — What’s the Ugha for ‘I Hate This Movie?’

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

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The Marvel Universe

Iron Man

Part I — Going Into a War Zone Good and Tight

Part II — Is This How You Liaise?

Part III — Just When I Thought Wrongful Termination Couldn’t Be Romantic

Part IV — Jeff Bridges Made a Date Rape Machine

Part V — The Chino Syndrome: Fueled by Hatred and Pajamas

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

The Incredible Hulk

Part I — Hulk Trying Real Hard to Be the Shepherd

Part II — It Hulkened One Night

Part III — Outcroppings Are Pretty Much the Go-To for Fugitive Monsters

Part IV — This Movie Is a Shit Frankenstein

Part V — Even Hulk Understands Squalay

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Iron Man 2

Part I — He Shouldn’t Have to Be Doing Any Large-Scale Smithy Work

Part II — Hi, I’m Tony Stark and I Have Diabeetus

Part III — So Much Disregard for Glass

Part IV — Bullshitium

Part V — Earth Is Having a Bad Semester

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts


Part I — John Jacob Jotunheimer Schmidt

Part II — Aww… His Name Really IS Your Name Too!

Part III — Someone’s Gotta Tell the Peasants About the Ruler Coma

Part IV — I Don’t Understand Your Norse Code

Part V — Don’t You Talk About My Earth Bitch

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Captain America: The First Avenger

Part I — Nazis: Awful People, Great Vacation Homes

Part II — Stanley Tucci’s Making the Face Again

Part III — Dames Love It When You Punch Hitler in the Face in Their City

Part IV — Hitler’s Still Murdering Jews. But I Guess Someone Else Is On That?

Part V — This Movie Is Like Tally Ho Christmas

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

The Avengers

Part I — The Space-Rape Cometh or: Fucking Bureaucracy

Part II — Take Your Time, I’m Here All Week

Part III — A Surprisingly Unsatisfying Stabbed Face

Part IV — I Don’t Like Villains Who Don’t Have Drinks

Part V — How Jizz-Soaked Can Nerd Undies Get?

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Iron Man 3

Part I — Randomly Disabled and Otherwise Kinda Gross

Part II — I Want to Have Holograms of Unconscious Friends

Part III — A Collection of Asshole Sidekicks

Part IV — Like Home Alone, But in Reverse and With Several Offenses Worthy of Indictment

Part V — An Orgy of Laziness

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Thor: The Dark World

Part I — Is Your Journey Really Necessary?

Part II — Just Because the Beauty You Seek Is Titties Doesn’t Mean You Can’t See the Universe

Part III — “Hey, My Wife’s Dead, Can I Borrow Your Boat?

Part IV — There Are Too Many Shoes in This Rock Vagina

Part V — By the Way, I Condone None of This

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Part I — A Hero Is Never Too Busy For Pussy

Part II — Like Ocean’s Eleven, But With a Dead Black Guy Instead of a Fountain

Part III — A Storied History in Jersey

Part IV — … Actually, Never Mind

Part V — This Is Why I Never Work for Places That Kill People

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Guardians of the Galaxy

Part I — I Know A Little About How Colors Work

Part II — Staring at a Blank Wall Like a Jackass

Part III — What Key Lime Children Would They Make?

Part IV — It’s Always Funny When People Stand Around While Their Friend Does Murder

Part V — That’s One Way of Ensuring Everyone Is At Least Mortally Wounded

Our Favorite Images

Final Thoughts

Fun with Franchises Extra:

Marvel: Ranking the Films

Marvel: Ranking the Heroes

Marvel: Ranking the Villains

Marvel: Ranking the Characters (Part I)

Marvel: Ranking the Characters (Part II)

Marvel: Ranking the Action Sequences (Part I)

Marvel: Ranking the Action Sequences (Part II)

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More articles (and franchises) to be added as they go up.

11 responses

  1. Pingback: 10 Excuses we give ourselves to procrastinate | Frankie Ramdayal's hub

  2. Lol this is funny. Star Wars deserves some of the bashing tho, although I have to say I liked all of them, of course some more than others…looking at you phantom menace…

    November 23, 2014 at 11:02 pm

  3. Rushy

    I love this series to high heaven. There’s no better way to watch a movie than with two omnipresent drunk a**holes with no sense of social politeness. And in the case of Twilight, I don’t even have to watch the movie.

    September 12, 2015 at 5:56 am

  4. Rushy

    But looking back, there is one thing I forgot to talk about… in one of these articles, Mike mentioned that he wasn’t a big fan of TV shows, since they are basically episodes and episodes of following the same characters as opposed to the many stories films can provide.
    And yet you watch Bond movie after Bond movie, which after 24 entries is longer in length than many shows ever get. Ah, the smell of hypocrisy in the morning… :D

    November 2, 2015 at 2:59 am

    • Film, however, stands alone much more easily than TV episodes, which can easily de-evolve into filler episodes if the show-runners don’t take their stories seriously.

      February 15, 2016 at 1:32 am

  5. LB

    PLEASE do the hobbit trilogy… I personally didn’t like it much and I’d love to see you guys critique it!

    December 26, 2015 at 6:37 pm

  6. 1st Lt Hand

    When are you guys doing your next series? I miss reading these while working out in the missile field.

    May 22, 2016 at 1:51 am

  7. Foxx

    Please reply, when you’ll be doing the next franchise? Alien would have been really good choice.
    Also, if you ever gonna pick standalone movies for your articles, i would’ve highly recommended Snyder’s Watchmen.

    January 14, 2017 at 2:23 pm

  8. linuxs

    Goddamn, almost two years have passed. Come on guys, there’s so many franchises out there that you could have fun with (i’m looking at you, Dark Knight).

    March 14, 2017 at 4:16 pm

  9. Flynn Sullivan

    Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge. Get onto it.

    May 31, 2017 at 4:10 pm

  10. This is never getting finished, is it?

    March 9, 2022 at 2:50 pm

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