Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007), Part I — “Singaporean Toilet Water”

Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we start At World’s End.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the first part of At World’s End:

We start this one cold:

With that.

What’s noose?

Colin:

What’s in a noose? A neck by any other rope would break just as fast.

I approve of this shot anytime it’s not an American flag.

Colin:

I like when the color washes out like this. It’s blue, but it looks white or silvery. And it reminds me of the shot of the American flag at the cemetery in Saving Private Ryan. It’s an American flag, but it was a good shot. I have a love-hate relationship with flags, I guess.

Is “flag hag” a thing? Can we make it one?

And even more when that happens.

This could be Django and you’d never know.

Colin:

Opening on a noose. And a flag. And manacled feet. This is some shit out of Les Mis.

Start pouring, everybody.

Why is the black lady the only one we can make out?

Colin:

But really, I can’t help but be taken aback how dark this is from the very beginning. It’s a Disney movie, for shit’s sake. I always think about parlay jokes and goofy faces when this franchise gets mentioned. Nope.

And why is that lady wearing clown makeup in the back?

And the guy holding his rifle like a dick down there. It’s for fighting and for fun.

(Also — “dark from the very beginning.” Ha.)

Colin:

I will never say that and not mean it at least two ways.

Is that Gandalf?

Look at that fucking beard!

But man… are they hanging all these people? I guess the only thing to say is… Au, schwitz, man!

That was my offensive humor for the day.

I guess I could use a shower now.

Colin:

That’s a pretty big gallows. Like a stretch gallows with a TV and a minibar.

This is all some bullshit. Basically Beckett is killing bitches.

Colin:

That’s a LOT of people being executed. JEEZ.

How about a game of Musical Noose?

I guess she won’t make it back for the 9:30 show.

They suspend their right to assembly, right to habeas corpus, legal council, right to trial by jury.

But not their right to a short drop and a sudden stop.

I want a lever in my house with which to do things.

Colin:

My brother used to have a fake toggle switch on the dashboard of one of his old cars (a 1988 Crown Victoria Interceptor plain clothes police car) labeled “LASER.” Which was always a great conversation starter. Just let people notice. “Defroster, AM/FM…la…ser?”

But I definitely have a short list of things that are going to go in my baller ass pad one day. I’m totally making a secret room behind a bookshelf, and it won’t be secret at all. I’ll just take people down there during parties. It’ll be the entrance to my manly study down some steps. It’ll be where I keep the good booze. Cause of course I’ll have good booze.

That’s definitely what it’s for. Booze, and bringing people. Just take them to talk. And you’ll be sitting there with snifters and a full row of bookshelves in those big, old-fashioned armchairs.

The right people never get rich.

I like that their legs are shackled. Because where the fuck are they going?

And now you have to take those off.

Colin:

I like how they’re doing this. “The right to blah blah blah? Fuck you.” *DANGLY FEET*

Nice camera placement.

Lotsa bitches be getting hanged.

Colin:

There’s no getting around it — this movie starts with like 30 hangings in rapid succession. Am I the only person struck by this? That’s like 28 more hangings than Capote. I bet if you were to do a study, this movie would have the highest peak level of hangings per minute.

And this is DISNEY!

Look – the hangman’s salary.

Colin:

That’s…a lot of shoes. What do they do with those?

That… would actually be a great image. If they had a western or pirate cemetery that was just pairs of boots instead of gravestones.

Imagine a giant plot of land with just pairs of boots that were each person’s.

Bring out your dead!

By the way – all those people were convicted of either being pirates or being associated with pirates.

It looks like they just raided Tortuga.

Colin:

There are a LOT of women here, too. How were these people rounded up? How could a mid-18th century Caribbean colony continue to function with such a blow to the population? Those were the days when there was A cooper or A blacksmith. They must be executing a bunch of useful tradesmen, and it’s not like they’ve got hundreds of everything to go around. What if you’re hanging all the brewers? You’ll probably want a drink at some point to stop seeing the faces of all those murdered people, but no drink for you cause you murdered all the brewers.

I also like how it’s anyone who has associated with a pirate. So it’s — “Oh, you know a pirate came and bought a drink at your bar when you were off? DEAD.”

They’ll all be suspended by the neck until dead.

It’s always until they’re dead. Why is it never “until it hurts”? Or, “Until you cum”?

Colin:

In David Carradine’s case, it was all three.

For some reason, I just imagined an alternate universe, where the technological revolution happened, and we were still hanging people, and all the hangmen became out of work because of automated hanging levers.

Imagine that dude, at home, not knowing what to do, driving his family crazy, burning the pancakes, wearing that outfit all the time, drinking too much.

Things like this are why I never got into the Ivy league.

Ha ha. They’re gonna hang a child.

Colin:

A KID? Oh COME ON. Really, right now? We’re going to witness the hanging of a CHILD? Is someone gonna rescue this kid, or is this movie about to cross a whole bunch of lines?

“Shall I describe it to you, or would you like me to find you a box?”

Scarface.

And now he starts singing. As you do.

And we start tracking in on him.

Sun spotlight!

This could be Les Mis and you wouldn’t know.

It’s Gavroche.

(… and, drink.)

Colin:

And he’s singing. This really is some Les Mis shit.

I like how the hangman just walks past him without a look like, “Is this motherfucker singing?”

What if he just smacked him upside the head right now?

A HA HA THEY FOUND HIM A BOX

Colin:

Gimli could’ve used a barrel like that at Helm’s Deep, actually.

(Not planned. Drink again.)

It’s also amazing how they all live basically on water and none of them are clean.

Colin:

I do love that there are stone stairs going up the stone wall in the background. I love it when stone walls have stairs running parallel to the top, and with no railing. Like in Helm’s Deep. This is also why I had a huge boner for the Chand Baori location used in in The Fall and The Dark Knight Rises. Cause it’s nothing but stone walls and stone steps. How great is that place? In fact, how great was EVERY location in The Fall? But I know that Chand Baori is a place I need to visit before I die.

So… is there a rule that if you survive the hanging they have to let you go? Because there should be that rule.

Oh, and he’s singing too. I guess it’s a spiritual.

Colin:

What song is this? This is extremely Les Mis now.

This is a great idea for a musical number, though. And then the nooses can bounce up and down and shit and they can have this great song and dance number and then at the end they can all just be dead and hanging there.

I’m a visionary people. Pay attention with those bifocals.

Colin:

You just keep thinkin’, Mike. That’s what you’re good at.

Everybody be fucking singing.

They open in Leavenworth Saturday night.

Colin:

Think there’s a chance that’s the same beard they gave to Bill Nighy for his five seconds of humanity?

You think that’s Liam Neeson behind that beard?

What if they gave Liam Neeson that beard and he had to find his family?

I’d watch the fuck out of that movie.

She took a ~~rally~~ pirate course.

Colin:

Oh NO.

She’s about to have a funny strangle.

Why are you backing away? You have guns!

“Lord Beckett – they’ve started to sing.”

Yes, motherfucker, we know. They’re right fucking behind you.

Colin:

They’ve started to sing? Fucking really.

“Finally.”

Is the implication that he was just hanging people until they sung? What the fuck? Were they aware of this? Maybe they’d have just sang if you asked them.

“Never shall we die.”

Uhh… I hate to be the one to tell you the bad news…

Hangman don’t give a fuck. Hangman gotta get his boots.

He died.

Colin:

This coin looks vaguely Asian. And I’m a good judge of things that appear vaguely Asian. Or even more Asian than that.

I bet you could buy some rum with that.

Somebody pick it up.

Is that supposed to be the world?

Because I hate to tell you guys…

Well that’s a nice little port.

I guess it’s a… Singaport.

Colin:

THIS IMAGE

Is this the Nung?

Colin:

This looks like Vietnam. Definitely Southeast Asia. Looks NICE.

Is this? With that fucking hat? This could have been like four different movies so far and you wouldn’t know the difference.

Colin:

And this is definitely Asia. The stilts and the hat give it away. I guess it could be Singapore?

That was a British colony.

I like how there’s a random goat noise over this. More random goat noises.

Colin:

OOOOOOH. YEAHHHHH.

That ain’t no shifty Chinaman, that’s Keira Knightley.

(Which should be one of the reveals in every Scooby Doo episode.)

Hey… hey guys… this isn’t East India.

And the Caribbean isn’t West India.

Man, you guys suck at geography.

I’m also curious to know if that’s her singing or if they dubbed her over, Marni Nixon-style.

Colin:

Wait, that’s Keira singing? It’s definitely not her voice. I can guarantee that isn’t her voice.

It could be. She has sang before in movies. Have you seen The Edge of Love? (It’s a trick question. Nobody saw that movie except me and three other people.) She has a full-on song in that. And she was auditioning to play Eliza Doolittle in that My Fair Lady remake that never went anywhere. The one that was written by Emma Thompson. She was gonna do it, and Stephen Daldry was gonna direct. But then she pulled out because it never went anywhere, then Carey Mulligan took over, and now it’s still pretty much dead. I just remember hearing that maybe Hugh Laurie was gonna play Professor Higgins and practically nutting in my pants with excitement.

But yeah, Keira has sang before and has the capacity to sing. And she’s doing that John Carney movie now, where she may or may not be singing.

Also, she made Silk.

Remember Silk, Colin? With that fine-ass Japanese chick?

Colin:

God DAMN, do I remember that. That was a movie where it was setting him up to be unfaithful to Keira, and I’m thinking, “WHO THE FUCK WOULD CHEAT ON KEIRA KNIGHTLEY?” and then Sei Ashina made her appearance and I was all, “Never mind.” That was amazing. She was hot as HELL in that movie. And only 22 when they made it in 2006. Standing in that hot spring all naked and shit. Daaaaaamn I gotta watch that again soon.

I remember nothing about that movie except that hot spring scene and Keira Knightley working out her American accent.

Do you guys not notice that the singing woman in the boat is not Chinese?

I am amused by the point of her jaw juxtaposing the point of her hat.

I like places like this, with low, wooden bridges and boats like that.

How much did you think that hat cost?

I bet that’s not the latest fashion in London.

Fireworks.

Oh yeah. This is China.

Also, this could still be Beasts of the Southern Wild and you’d never know.

Colin:

I like the image of the child (or just a small Asian) running over the bridge in front of the fireworks.

Beasts of the Middle Kingdom.

Old lady chopping the heads off of fish. This is China.

Colin:

Fish heads. Pai Mei’s getting some good din-din tonight.

Oh, this is good.

Have your drinks ready, people.

LOVE this dock. I love places like this, where you can just pull up in a boat and there are some steps and the back door of a house is just there.

I see that storm drain.

Wormtongue taught me how to take those out.

Right, though?

Colin:

That was so much better. I love looking at these images.

I’m such a dick.

Colin:

OH FUCK YOU

Okay, I’m back. For those of you just joining us, I have this thing where, when I’ve been reminded about the opening sequence of Quantum of Solace, I have to watch it from the first image to when “Another Way to Die” comes on. It’s about 4 minutes and 12 seconds. And so Mike likes to throw me a curveball for when I’m editing, just as a time waster. It’s the perfect chase sequence. I love it. But I don’t always want to watch it while I’m in the middle of things. I wish I was joking, but I just took the time to watch it.

Still singing.

Apparently no on catches that she’s speaking English.

Oh, good. The Chinaman knows the words too.

Colin:

This Asian dude’s tone deaf.

You just sent a white woman down a dark alley in Chinatown.

This’ll end well.

Why is this so enjoyable to me?

Colin:

AHHHHH along with needing to watch that opening sequence, I also REALLY hate the Pale Man.

“Dangerous song to be singing.”

They are Flaming Dragon.

Colin:

Also, this is Reggie Lee again! He was the Dutchman pirate from Dead Man’s Chest whose head was a shell that kept coming off his body. Are they just recycling Asians in different roles?

I think they just liked him and figured they’d give him another role. They shot these two back to back. So I figure either they liked him and kept him on, or they pulled a Tarantino and went, “Fuck it, someone pulled out, you do it.”

He’s basically like, “Don’t be singing that song if you don’t know what it means. Especially if you’re a woman. Who is alone. Look, strumpet, we’re gonna rape you. You know it, we know it, it’s gonna happen – let’s just make this quick.”

Colin:

Is this gonna be a lape?

“What makes you think she’s alone?”

He’s here for the gangbang.

Colin:

How is it that he does this AGAIN? The last movie ended with Barbossa coming down the stairs for a perfectly timed reveal. And now we’re five minutes into this movie and it’s happening AGAIN.

At least they don’t explain why he’s back.

Most franchises would throw in a line explaining that he was brought back from the dead within the first three minutes.

Colin:

And for that matter, why aren’t they together? They came together, no doubt. So why is Barbossa coming down from these steps and Keira coming up this channel all by her lonesome?

You’re gonna let a white woman roam free around Singapore?

Also, maybe Barbossa had to set up the plepalations with his crew.

“You protect her?”

Hey, buddy on the right… how about keeping your eyes on?

Colin:

I’m hoping this is indeed Singapore, cause otherwise it’d be weird for them to speak English.

Although, even then…this is the 1740s, and Singapore wasn’t opened by the East India Company til 1819. Don’t you like that I know this? The East Asian Studies major helps with useless information occasionally.

“What makes you think I need protecting?”

“Your master’s expecting us.”

Why does she look so turned on?

“And an unexpected death would cast a slight pall upon our meeting.”

I like that look.

“Fine.” Like she was completely ready to cut this motherfucker.

They’re all hiding from whitey.

I like the lighting.

I like how they’re just patrolling places. Why have they randomly taken over this place?

This is Apocalypse Now.

Holy shit, though.

Colin:

Are they wearing coconut hats? Wow.

How the fuck did the midget not drown?

And what happened to Cotton’s parrot?

And which one of them was smart enough to engineer those things?

Can you really see anything that way?

Colin:

How does this work? She’s doing the disguise thing to get around in plain sight, but what organ grinder woman is out at this time of night? Who’s around? What’s she up to? Probably no good. Isn’t there probably a curfew? I don’t get how these soldiers are running by her and thinking, “Yup, everything here is normal.”

There are certain people who get free passes during high security, curfew societies.

I’d be one of those people.

Ah, you brought the voodoo lady too. Fits right in around Mainland China.

Colin:

I see dem nasty teeth. That’s Naomie Harris. Still like her better as Moneypenny.

There’s the parrot. Indigenous to these parts.

A HA HA HA the monkey is an organ grinder.

“Have you heard anything from Will?”

“I trust Turner to acquire the charts and you to remember your place in the presence of Captain Sao Feng.”

Will went to get charts? Well there’s only one place he’s gonna get all of that — Chinagon Alley.

“He’s much like myself, but absent my merciful nature and sense of fair play.”

Colin:

I love that Geoffrey Rush is back. Barbossa’s so awesome.

That’s one of my deciding factors as to why I like this movie better than Dead Man’s Chest.

Less Geoffrey Rush = More Cannibullshit

Colin:

Oh, if this guy makes Barbossa look nice, he’ll be fun, too.

Of course there’s a secret knock.

I was kind of hoping it’d be the first nine notes of “I’m Turning Japanese.”

Look at his fucking haircut.

Looks like Xiaofan turned on the red light.

Colin:

Asian bitches.

Get it? He has to crawl but the midget can just crouch.

The one time.

They be turning in their weapons.

“You think because she is a woman we would not suspect her of treachery?”

Actually, I’d suspect her most of all.

Colin:

Is she gonna have to take off her clothes?

“Well, when you put it that way…”

“Remove… please.”

Colin:

Oh. OH.

Colin:

Goddamn.

Colin:

A BOMB? Hell yeah.

Colin:

Oh HELL yeah!

Colin:

AND BARBOSSA WANTS A LOOK AT WHERE SHE GOT THAT HAND CANNON FROM

“Remove.”

“Please.”

Colin:

CORRECT SIR

Still hoping a rudder and a lot of sails pop out.

Colin:

Aw yeah he want a look at this white bitch.

Colin:

Every time I see an image from that movie, I imagine Louis CK on stage dancing around, singing, “Cunt! Cunt, cunt, cunt!”

Of course a fearsome pirate hangs out in a bathhouse. Anywhere else would just be uncivilized.

Colin:

And now we walk through this place and enjoy how weird and Asian it is.

Yes… send a white woman in here.

Uhh… that’s normal.

Colin:

What’s with this universe and people turning into weird gross shit? These guys never come back, nor do they serve any purpose here. You’re just supposed to see them, go, “That’s gross. There’s some other sorts of magic going on here,” and move on!

Colin:

I like how the lower right side of this tattoo is a racist cartoon gagging.

Of course you have two fine bitches waiting on you. Fine Asian bitches must be had two at a time.

Colin:

This guy has two Asian female attendants. I approve.

I want to be introduced to people whilst in this pose.

Hey kids – it’s Pai Mei.

Colin:

This was Chow Yun Fat? I didn’t know that! That’s awesome!

“Captain Barbossa.”

“Bow, bitch.”

Colin:

Finding out later that they’re both pirate lords makes this feel weird in retrospect. At the Brethren Court, everyone’s pretty shitty to everyone else. No bowing, no courtesies. I know Barbossa needs favors from Sao Feng, but you’d expect Feng to be like, “Cut to the chase, what are you here for?” I guess he just enjoys the phony lip service.

He’s in the man’s house. Gotta pay him respects when he can have you killed and never found.

Chow Yun-Fat is pleased with your bowing.

The boy has a sense of propriety.

“Welcome to Singapore.”

Wait… this is Singapore?

Now we can’t say “Clearly you’ve never been to Singapore” anymore.

Also – pretty sure that was all just China we saw back there.

Colin:

Oh, so it was Singapore. But the dates are off. And back in the day, it was all sorta China anyway. But Singapore’s the main port in the area. Makes sense.

Sniffin’ them panties. Gotta get them before that vending machine smell runs out.

“More steam.”

Yeah… you get more steam.

This is how my shower works, too.

Colin:

This is such an obvious Spirited Away reference. The wooden tablets and the boiler room below.

Holy shit look at this fucking guy.

You could use this guy’s stomach like a fucking tauntaun.

Colin:

That’s a lotta dude.

Colin:

He want dat purple stuff.

He knows Barbossa is looking for some shit. A ship and a crew.

Colin:

A proposal? He doesn’t look like the marrying type. And why should he be?

“Isn’t that a coincidence…”

“Because you happen to have a ship and a crew you don’t need?”

I like yo sarcasm.

“No… that’s not it…”

That handkerchief is tied to his pinky, by the way.

It’s because a thief just tried to steal those maps.

Colin:

It’s his most revered uncle. That’s right, Jackie Chan Adventures.

Way to not be suspicious.

Colin:

Someone broke into a temple and tried to steal that thing that belongs to him? I hope it’s the Green Destiny. If it isn’t the Green Destiny, I’m gonna be disappointed.

“The route to the farthest gate.”

Colin:

Disappointed.

And he just fucking tosses them over his shoulder.

This is why you have people.

Colin:

There are, indeed, many reasons for having people.

He’s like, “Wouldn’t it be fucked up if you were also trying to go to the very ends of the world, the way this guy wanted to when he tried to steal my maps?”

“It would strain credulity at that.”

Colin:

Why is it that people in movies who obviously learned English as a second (or third, or fourth) language always have weird accents and eccentric grammar and stuff, but then they don’t bat an eye when someone uses the word ‘incredulity?’ I’ve met plenty of Americans who would have gone, “Wait, wait — incre-what-a-what?” But Chow Yun Fat’s character and his goofy accent are like, “Ah yes. Incredulity. Bet you can’t believe I know what that word means.”

Look at that nod. This is why you have people.

I also like the implication that he was being held underwater this entire time.

Aww… just like when we first met him.

Colin:

I want to see every part of this shit. He’s getting water tortured and drowned and shit. By Asians. That’s the worst. That was when I was 100 percent sold on Tropic Thunder and got past it being a big, popular comedy. They were using water torture on Ben Stiller. Want me to like your movie? Include footage of Ben Stiller being tortured by Asians.

Or Elijah Wood being stabbed.

“This is the thief. Is his face familiar to you?”

Colin:

There’s something very funny about this image to me. Chow Yun Fat’s making a sassy face.

“No – no – what? No!”

“Then I guess he has no further need for it.”

Aww… just like you did to him in the first movie.

Colin:

The average girl (or person, for that matter) would make a sound before someone rammed a giant stake into a man’s jugular right in front of everyone. I’d make a sound. Doesn’t mean I know the guy.

I wouldn’t.

That slow head turn is nice.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

Colin:

Words like ‘hospitality’ are only ever on the table when Asians are involved.

“I assure you, I had no idea…”

“That he would get caught!”

Colin:

Rush Hour 2.

I like how he’s holding her back. She wants to beat his ass.

Crazy eyes.

He wants to know why they want to go to Davy Jones’ Locker.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Colin:

See, I was expecting something entirely different.

Which one of those would be more likely to be in a bathhouse?

Actually, it’s probably a tie.

“The song has been sung.”

That’s a thing?

“The time is upon us. We must convene the Brethren Court. As one of the nine pirate lords, you must honor the call.”

Colin:

I guess since Orlando Bloom is still winded and coughing up Singaporean toilet water, they had to farm out some of the more overt expository dialogue to Rush. I was still expecting Bloom to sputter from the corner, still in agony, “…but you’re one of the…nine pirate lords! Sworn…sworn to answer the…call…” Which would have been hilarious, cause once they get to the point where they acknowledge that he’s really nothing more than a Greek chorus that holds a sword occasionally, we can have fun.

Singaporean Toilet Water.

“More steam.”

“More steam!”

Colin:

All of this. All of this is racist as fuck.

Look at that double take. “Damnit, daddy, I already told ‘em.”

Yeah, that’s right, you look ashamed. You brought dishonor upon your family again.

Colin:

“Don’t MAKE me have to tell you three times.”

That was a midget hitting a dude over the head with a shovel and breaking out.

That’s comedy.

Colin:

A midget just hit an overweight, half-naked Asian dude over the head with a coal shovel. Yup, that checks most of the boxes.

These bitches know how to stand there and wait.

“It seems the only way a pirate can turn profit anymore is by betraying other pirates.”

Colin:

Who’s betraying who? Chow Yun Fat’s gonna go to capture them and then the good guys (guess I can’t really call them the Pearl’s crew anymore, huh?) will jump them? It’s amazing how we’re REALLY down to this core group. At least in the first one there were extras. This is like…Mission Impossible.

“Look – it’s Elizabeth.”

Colin:

He’s looking up her Asian clothes? Awww yeah.

He can see your cunt.

“What good is the Brethren Court? What can any of us do?”

“You can fight!”

“You are Sao Feng, the pirate lord of Singapore.”

Is he? I wasn’t sure.

“Would you have our era come to an end on your watch?”

I like how she’s a pirate now.

Colin:

“Aw, that’s nasty, you’re nasty!”

“The most notorious pirates from around the world are uniting against our enemy, and yet you sit here, cowering in your bath water!”

Colin:

Nothing like a woman to shame a powerful man. That always does it. It’s always the delicate looking girl. The most blatant bit was at the end of Transformers 3, when the girlfriend (Megan Fox 2.0? Whatever her name was.) goes to shame Megatron into fighting Sentinel Prime. How does Megatron not squash her?

Her name was Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.

Naturally the word “white” is in her name, because only a white woman would talk like that to a Transformer and expect nothing to happen to her.

Colin:

That Huntington-Whiteley Privilege.

“Elizabeth Swann… there is more to you than meets the eyes.”

Colin:

WAIT HE JUST SAID THERE’S MORE TO HER THAN MEETS THE EYE HOLY SHIT I WROTE THE TRANSFORMERS THING BEFORE I HEARD THAT LINE

“And the eye does not go wanting.”

“But I cannot help but notice – you have failed to answer my question.”

What is it he’s seeking in the Locker?

Colin:

Look like she got some ass in this outfit.

I like that point Sao Feng does.

“You — your turn to answer me now.”

“Jack Sparrow.”

Oh, Colin’s gonna like that reaction.

Colin:

OH MY GOD. They just simultaneously giggled with the single hand and everything. Holy SHIT this is heavy-handed.

And that one.

Colin:

I love this shot the most cause you see the one on his left caught it, but the one on his right is still having a giggle and hasn’t seen him making his glare of silence at her. Asia’s a tough place to live, man.

“He’s one of the pirate lords.”

A HA HA the only time he speaks is when exposition is needed.

Colin:

And now Bloom finally does step in with his exposition, but it’s not funny at all. It’s serious. As always.

He’s so angry he wants to spit.

“The only reason I would want Jack Sparrow returned from the land of the dead is so I can send him back myself.”

“Jack Sparrow holds one of the nine pieces of eight. He failed to pass it along to a successor before he died. So we must go and get him back.”

Colin:

There are nine pieces of eight? I’m just gonna…let that be whatever it is. I’m sure that makes sense to someone.

“So… you admit you have deceived me.”

“Sao Feng, I assure you our intentions are strictly honorable.”

Colin:

Swords though the floor? And they were ready for that shit? How about shooting the bad guys through the floorboards?

This reaction.

“Drop your weapons. Or I kill the man.”

Colin:

He goes for the guy whose tattoo was shown in a previous shot to be obviously fake. Of course, it might also have been a tip-off that he was the only guy left in the room who hadn’t pulled a sword out when ordered.

“Kill him. He’s not our man.”

Colin:

Barbossa tells him to kill the dude, and Chow Yun Fat’s like, “Whaaaaaaaaaat?” Which is weird, because that’s exactly what they’d try to do if he WAS their man, too…so you’d think Chow Yun Fat would immediately call their bluff. The only reason he doesn’t is so we can have Orlando Bloom set up the most obvious ambush since Little Big Horn.

“If he’s not with you – and he’s not with us – who’s he with?”

The East India Trading Company. Bitches!

Watch this guy get WIPED OUT on this door:

That fucker goes DOWN.

Colin:

Melee. Lotta brawls in these movies.

Nice diaper shot, though.

Underwears.

This face.

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT HOW SHE BENDS

Colin:

The Asian chicks do martial arts. Uh huh. These outfits of theirs look more like slutty Halloween costumes that any authentic Asian garb. For which I am grateful.

These chicks are fucking awesome.

AND THEY GOT TITTIES TO BOOT

OH HOLY MOTHER OF GOOD LOOK AT THOSE THINGS

Doesn’t it look like they’re in crosshairs in this shot?

But who cares? LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING THINGS!

Colin:

Don’t gotta tell me.

This guy.

Colin:

This dude, from the last movie? The one who was knifing bitches for Beckett? How is HE here?

I find it hard to believe when major characters are ever in the same place at the same time on the other side of the world in a universe where it takes months to get anywhere.

NO WHY’D YOU HAVE TO KILL THE HOT KUNG FU CHICK

This is Orlando Bloom’s fault.

He should have taken the bullet.

She just got fucking Leo’d.

Colin:

You just shot a fine Asian girl in the head. Pretty sure Dante had a whole hell just for that.

North Korea?

FIENDISH DOCTOR WU… YOU DONE FUCKED UP NOW!!!

(Also, titties.)

MIDGET LIGHTING THINGS

Colin:

More midgets doing stuff.

Colin:

How do you get to a point where you’re ALL standing on the other side of a room and letting trained soldiers aim their clumsy, ranged weapons at you?

Colin:

MIDGET used FISSURE! It’s super effective!

And his accuracy is way lowered, too.

Not because of Double Team. Just… cause of God.

Keira’s good at the frightened o-face.

I love explosion shots.

Especially when there’s a good DP behind them.

Snatch and run, y’all!

(Also, is the guy back there selling peanuts?)

“Outta my way, Lotus Blossom!”

GET SOME!

I love people shooting two guns on the run.

Colin:

Gibbs could only look cooler here if he was also somehow drinking.

RUM HELMET!

Oh, this’ll end well.

Colin:

THE MIDGET FLEW BACKWARDS YOU GUYS

She ain’t got no clothes on under that robe.

Colin:

What a bizarre bazaar this is.

LET ME IN!

Maybe not the best time to Sparta kick somebody.

Look at all that leg.

What are you, waltzing with him, Orlando? What the fuck are you doing?

That was a lot of work for an armbar. And you didn’t even stab him.

That’s how you get rid of a motherfucker.

Colin:

I never understand how characters manage to get under their attackers and launch them over railings and shit. But it’s awesome.

That would probably blind you.

That was a lot of bullets for one guy.

Soon.

I like the formation they have. First row makes ready, kneels, second row shoots.

Colin:

“Make ready!” What is that? Why is that part of the list of commands? I was “ready” the second motherfuckers started trying to kill me. In fact, “fire” should be the only command, so as to keep the rhythm and maintain a barrage. But “make ready?” Which one of these guys is gonna be like, “TIME OUT! My shoe’s untied,” and then expect the rest of the rank to follow his lead?

That’s why Mel Gibson won the Revolutionary War.

Love me some explosion shots.

Colin:

I assume that every music box is a bomb. Anything that has moving parts and somehow makes noises ends up being unpleasant in some sort of bursting way.

Especially cars in parking lots outside of dining halls.

Especially those.

That’s a great shot. Rise up into the frame, watch as your explosive trap detonates, lower back out of frame.

Plus, she’s still right there. Which is even funnier. She’s just crouching there still.

Colin:

That wasn’t creepy. And this hat isn’t really helping. This is a battle between dudes in East India Company uniforms and EVERYONE else. It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white (or Asian) — they’re gonna shoot at your big-ass dumb hat.

GODDAMNIT HE JUST KILLED THE OTHER ASIAN CHICK

Colin:

You shot the OTHER Asian chick? The fuck is wrong with you?

I called that shit from just the legs, too. How could you not know it was her?

Seriously, though… what a waste of titties.

It’s pretty coincidental that the East India Trading Company finds him the day Will shows up in Singapore.

“If you want to make a deal with Beckett, you need what I offer.”

Colin:

Oh, interesting. They’re cutting a deal, and this dude’s listening in. See? Even this little thing makes this movie work more than a lot of other movies. Enemies who are boring, one-dimensional and just choose to attack at predictable parts of the movie are a waste of time. This guy could probably have killed both of them, but he’s just heard something that’s making him think twice. Which tells you two things — one, that he’s not a mindless killing machine like a lot of other henchmen, and two, that he’s enough of a baller to take the risk, knowing that he’ll be able to keep tabs on them and take them out later if he has to.

“You cross Barbossa, you’re willing to cross Jack Sparrow – why should I expect any better?”

“I need the Black Pearl to free my father.”

Oh god, this shit again? Yawn.

Colin:

He abandoned you and then fucked up by having principles on a pirate ship. Let him go.

“You’re helping me to get it.”

Oh, this’ll end well. Monkey with a firecracker.

Of course there’s a fireworks factory.

Colin:

Good thing the Orient is just littered with fireworks warehouses.

Gotta get one last stab in before the explosion.

Colin:

Gandalf’s gonna make you do so many dishes for this shit.

“Thank you, Jack.”

He said that exactly how he said it in the first movie.

Colin:

How did he know the monkey did it?

Colin:

THE MONKEY HAS A TINY HAT YOU GUYS WHAT IF THEY MADE HIM SMOKE IT’D BE PERFECT

He’s got the charts and a ship and a crew.

Colin:

This is really all he’s good for. Has Orlando Bloom quit acting yet? Nah, I’m sure he’d have told us.

I like how they’re just sailing away from a port on fire.

I like it when people are going away from things that are on fire because of them.

“There’s no place left for Sao Feng to cower. Do you think he will honor the call?”

“I cannot say. There’s an evil on these seas. That even the most staunch and bloodthirsty pirates are going to feel.”

Colin:

Is this racist? I wanna feel like this is racist.

She didn’t answer the question at all.

Colin:

Davy’s back. Oh, he’s gonna be talking to Beckett, right? Cause Beckett runs him now.

Colin:

Oh, I guess it’s Beckett’s enemies. Why doesn’t he call the Kraken to do it? Is it healing? Does the Kraken get sick leave? Is there a VA Hospital for Krakens?

Colin:

If the Flying Dutchman never puts in anywhere, how does it get provisions? Looks like the cannons are all pretty custom, too. And they just demolish ships and let them sink. Where are they getting cannonballs for their fucking GATTLING cannon?

Shifty-Ass A-rab.

Colin:

YES. The map with little units on it! I love this so much. I want a table like this so badly. That one in Attack of the Clones made me so fucking happy.

“Piece of eight. Nine of them, you say?”

Colin:

Yes, please explain why there are nine pieces of eight.

They don’t know what that is, and they hope it’s not something that can help take them down, even with the Dutchman at the head of their armada.

Colin:

Ah, and this is where the henchman gets some of his depth removed, or at least…altered. He’s one of those guys who’s calculating and cool in the field, but then sucks up at HQ. Beckett’s leaving nothing uncovered. Which, again — strategist.

The best part about this for me is that there are like 4 guys in uniform in the looking at volumes of shit and consulting this enormous globe with brass fittings. Planning a war. I love scenes of war planning. More shit like that. And you know that was their job for this scene. Beckett and his henchman are having a conversation that 95 percent of the audience is going to zero in on.

But, “You guys are standing in the background doing war planning shit. You, open that book and pretend you’re reading logistical manifests. You two, focus on the globe. Be sure to point at the Tropic of Capricorn at least once.” This is just one of those scenes where I’m infinitely more interested in what’s happening as a throwaway in the background than I am with the primary dialogue.

Oh, and Norrington is back in the fold.

Colin:

Norrington’s back, obviously. Admiral, this time. I hope he still retains a drinking problem, or harbors some guilt about what he did. If he just goes back to being Norrington from the first movie….boring. They also shouldn’t Vader it — like, he goes over to Beckett, works for him for the whole time and comes around at the end. That would suck.

And he’s pretty much working for Beckett, too.

Signing execution orders.

One of them’s probably his own.

Colin:

Has Jonathan Pryce been volumizing that wig? It’s really full.

“The Brethren are facing extinction. All that remains is for them to decide where they make their final stand.”

Colin:

That’s a sword case. He got his helmet sword back? Wait, so was what I mentioned in the last movie correct? That primary antagonists are gonna end up with this sword in every movie? Beckett’s waiting for him to open the case and pick up the sword, just twirling the coin and looking impatient. This is good. It’s like, “Yes, yes, it IS that necklace you’ve wanted for months. Can we skip to the part where you’re sucking my dick?”

Can it be here? I’d like it to be here.

Colin:

Mmm. I like cold places.

Witch’s Tit:

Do you, now?

Colin:

Look at that hunk of junk.

(But shots, right? Like, yeah.)

Jesus christ, this looks fucking great.

This part was always the best part of Frankenstein anyhow.

That and Edgar Winter’s drum fills.

Colin:

Shivering monkey. But the breath almost makes it look like he’s smoking, so I’ll allow it.

Still wearing clothes, though.

He thinks he’s people.

And these guys. Complaining.

Colin:

Nobody gets that covered in ice particles and sits there complaining about it.

“Why don’t that Obeah woman bring back Jack the way she did Barbossa?”

“Because Barbossa was only dead.”

“Jack Sparrow is taken – body and soul – to a place not of death, but of punishment. The worst fate a person can bring upon himself. Stretching on forever. That’s what awaits at Davy Jones’ Locker.”

Colin:

PUT SOME SLEEVES ON WOMAN

I like that the guy in the back never moves once.

Colin:

This is ridiculous.

But it looks fucking amazing. Look at that fucking iceberg. That’s beautiful.

Well that toe’s no good.

Colin:

Oh, COME ON! Tell me why this dude is on deck barefoot, letting his entire foot get frostbitten?

You should probably take a shift below before getting frostbite. Or, you know…shoes. Lt. Dan is losing his fucking mind right now.

Well that last sentence had some layers to it.

How long is this journey taking, by the way?

Sounds like a lyric.

Colin:

Thanks for reading that for us, Orlando. I sometimes forget how letters work. Making sounds and all that.

“Ever gazed upon the green flash, Master Gibbs?”

Colin:

Like, how about some closed-toed shoes, Keira? And Gibbs, you might consider rolling down your sleeves. And drinking for warmth.

“I reckon I seen my fair share. Happens on occasion, the last glimpse of sunset a green flash shoots up into the sky. Some go their whole lives without seeing it, some claim to have seen it who ain’t. Some say –”

“It signals when a soul comes back to this world, from the dead.”

I love Gibbs. “How dare you interrupt my ~~kung fu~~ exposition.

“Trust me, Mr. Turner, it’s not getting to the land of the dead that’s the problem – it’s getting back.”

I’ve figured out Geoffrey Rush’s trick for Barbossa. Split your sentence in two as such — and at the end of the second half, tilt your head up, make your eyes really wide and really enunciate that last word.

Colin:

Still…shots.

What’s best about this is how it’s just realistic enough to work, but you also know that this is all fake. I love when you can tell something is a movie set, but it looks so good it doesn’t matter.

Colin:

The fuck is this? The Fortress of Solitude?

“Bloody hell, there’s nothing left.”

“Jones is a loose cannon, sir.”

I want to be known as a loose cannon.

“Fetch the chest.”

“And the govnuh? He’s been asking questions about the heart.”

“Does he know?”

“Then perhaps his usefulness has run its course.”

Colin:

So they’re gonna kill the governor? Have fun with that.

Cutler Beckett:

I will! Thank you.

He ain’t so jolly no more.

So what are they gonna do? Throw him overboard?

They never actually do mention how they dispatch Pryce. They just say he “died at sea.”

I’m assuming they Fredo him.

How do you get a pipe organ onto a ship?

Colin:

Oh, is it like when the heart is close he gets sad?

Shouldn’t those tears be ink?

Colin:

Clearly you’ve never been to Okinawa.

How great would it be if that tentacle went out of frame and you just heard him start furiously masturbating with that tear?

Right, though?

I know they do this a bunch, but I’m still a sucker for these shots.

Colin:

These two. Yup. Franchise.

Jones wants the heart off his ship. Beckett is leaving it there so he does what he’s told.

(“It leads the ship against the pirates. It does this whenever it’s told.”)

Colin:

They’re just holding the chest. The Dutchman’s crew could just grab it back and fuck up these assholes.

This is why you need ninjas.

Colin:

They have their own midget!

Reggie Lee is back, too.

And what the fuck is that thing above the midget?

“The Dutchman sails as its captain commands.”

I love that the midget is just below frame. That’s so hilarious to me that you can see his head but nothing else.

Midgets should always be framed this way.

Grown folks is talking.

“And its captain is to sail it as commanded.”

“I would have thought you learned that when I ordered you to kill your pet.”

Colin:

He killed the Kraken? So that’s how they just slip in that bit of exposition. REAL subtle.

If you’re Jones, don’t you call his bluff? Like, “Go ahead, kill me. You know this shit doesn’t end, right?”

Does he really not wanna die that much?

“This is no longer your world, Jones. The immaterial has become immaterial.”

Colin:

I can’t decide whether I like this line or not. Like, I think I do, cause it’s a fun way of presenting the concept, and it uses a word that isn’t so common in English these days. But then, it also seems like a line that a writer could have just thrown in for dramatic effect without worrying too much about meaning or context. And it reminds me too much of his “Currency is the currency of the realm” line from Dead Man’s Chest. So maybe the verdict is that I’m not overly fond of the line. Either way, it’s making me think, which is better than nothing.

Hey, remember how Jones can just materialize anywhere he wants on this ship? Can’t he just sneak up underneath these fucks at night, trip them up, then take the heart back?

Colin:

Ew, bloody.

Super unhygienic.

Colin:

HOLY SHIT SHOTS THOUGH

Goddamn, son. This might even be better than the snow.

This might be my favorite shot in the franchise.

Colin:

This is like Malick. Or Life of Pi. This looks really good, and I have a shitty copy.

Colin:

So I guess they’re just going over the edge? It seems surreal, and that water has to go somewhere. So…what the hell?

Apparently they went from the Caribbean to the arctic to space.

He still thinks she loves Jack.

“How long do we continue not talking?”

“Once we rescue Jack, everything will be fine.”

That’ll allay suspicion.

“Then we rescue Jack.”

It’s funny how they’re still soulmates or whatever, and they’re trying to make us think that they won’t end up together in the end.

♫ “Somewhere, out there…” ♫

“For what we want most…”

Goddamn. Just sneak up on a motherfucker, don’t you?

Colin:

Naomie Harris looks like Rain Man.

“There is a cost that must be paid in the end.”

Tree fiddy?

“Barbossa – ahead.”

“Aye – we’re good and lost now.”

“For certain, you have to be lost to find the places can’t be found. Elseways, everyone’d know where it was.”

“We’re gaining speed!”

“To stations!”

Why is everybody listening to him? He’s not the captain.

“Nay, belay that. Let her run straight and true.”

Strong and straight?

“You’ve doomed us all.”

“Don’t be so unkind. You may not survive to pass this way again.”

“And these’d be the last friendly words you’ll hear.”

Those are friendly?

Yes, that’ll work.

Bloom has them drop anchor.

Yup… still going over.

That’s my kind of captain. Laughing as he goes over a waterfall.

Colin:

Rush laughing. Yup.

And that’s the end of the movie!

Oh, wait, it’s actually extended. There’s a bunch of weird noises and shit, that sound like they’re from the ride. Circus music, and the “dead men tell no tales” echo.

Colin:

And now we get a bunch of random lines all at once in what sounds like the pirate version of the end of a Sgt. Pepper track.

Of course we open in white.

That’s how we always open.

At a train station.

Pretty sure all franchises have an open on white from a cut to black.

Nose.

Colin:

Wow, I really thought that was the horizon. But it’s not. And now Depp’s nose is just sniffing forward. This is great.

Oh, what a lovely tea party.

Colin:

So there’s more than one of him. And he shot the other. Oh, I like this.

“My peanut.”

Colin:

They’re just going all out with the goofy on this. And I like it.

I love it when we have the exact opposite reactions to things.

Well… not exactly opposite, but they’re not similar.

Colin:

Mike’s actually convinced me on this issue for the rest of the movie, but I do love it in this scene, for reasons which I will get into during Final Thoughts.

“Slag and braces!”

“Aye, captain!”

Colin:

What is this, Being Johnny Depp?

So this is weird.

Colin:

Was that a Johnny Depp CHICKEN?

Colin:

Why is there a regular goat? Is this Johnny Depp a goat? Or does he just wanna fuck the goat?

Pretty sure this is an Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid reference all rolled into one.

“Mr. Sparrow –”

“Aye, captain.”

Colin:

This is actually pretty cool. And he calls the other Depp “Mr. Sparrow.”

“What say you about the condition of this tack line?”

He says it’s an abomination, and the other guy says, “Perhaps if you gave a man another chance.”

Colin:

This shit is actually pretty fucking awesome. This is the shit a lesser actor couldn’t do.

Really? It’s just him doing Sparrow like eight different ways.

Also, that tattoo has a quote on it from something written in the 1940s.

“That sort of thinking got us into this mess.”

I have nothing to say bout any of this.

“We lost speed, and therefore time.”

“It will all have to be redone. All of it.”

Aww… he’s hallucinating.

But he does use the word “feculent,” which I’m a big fan of.

“Gentlemen – I wash my hands of this weirdness.”

Colin:

And the ship’s up on this salt flat or whatever. This looks really awesome. I love surreal places.

This place looks great. And I like this part of it. But the stuff on the ship is just so stupid to me. I get that he’s in the Locker, but the hallucinations don’t work for me because they go back to them later. If it were just here, I could go along with it. But they go back to it, and that’s what kills it. Plus it’s so childish.

“Why, why would he do that? Because he’s a lummox, isn’t he? Well, we shall throw a magnificent garden party, and you’re not invited.”

Colin:

I wanna say that. “Well, we shall have a magnificent garden party, and you’re not invited!”

Colin:

That really is the one cool thing we were able to take from that aberration of a franchise.

Artifice.

Colin:

The zoom on the rock. They’re going all out to make this fucking WEIRD. I was lukewarm on this movie until now, but now I’m into it.

Colin:

“Shoo.” Seriously, I love this whole part of the movie. And shots for days.

Just like I do with my women.

Colin:

That’s been my relationships with some objects and people. Say its name, lick it, wince, throw it away.

Colin:

Oh, I’m trippin off acid.

“Now we’re being followed by rocks. Never had that before.”

Crabs watching people do things.

A reality show.

Colin:

This crab thinks you’re a moron.

Colin:

I like that as a shot. This is like something Pixar would do.

Colin:

Now this freaks me out. That’s a lot of rock crabs. I can deal with a rock lobster, but this many rock crabs can be dangerous.

Visual callback.

Colin:

These images…wow.

This part I like better because there’s no dialogue. The stuff on the ship really kills it for me. It makes sense, but I still can’t come around on it because they keep using it.

Is this Omaha Beach?

Colin:

And….D-Day.

“This truly is a god-forsaken place.”

New Jersey?

“He’s here.”

“Hmm.”

Colin:

Monkeys don’t like rock crabs. Such is known.

“Witty Jack is closer than you think.”

Colin:

Looks like Naomie Harris… has crabs.

Aww… visual redemption.

Colin:

So he got out of that place and onto the sand. And there’s a breeze here, too. But a nice callback to the first movie.

So, the assumption here is that he’d have gotten out on his own, right? His mind is so weird that he’d have found a way to get out. The Locker is supposed to be that endless desert thing, but he managed to imagine a way to get him onto the water. So them showing up to help him is basically pointless.

Good job.

“Slap me thrice and hand me to me momma, it’s Jack!”

THIS SHOT.

I keep telling you people, but are you paying attention?

Oh, right… you killed him.

Love this shot. I love people’s feet walking on the beach like this.

“Mr. Gibbs – I thought so. I expect you’re about to account for your actions, then.”

“There’s been a perpetual and virulent lack of discipline upon my vessel, why?”

“Sir – you’re in Davy Jones’ Locker.”

“I know that.”

Colin:

He’s lost it.

“Jack Sparrow.”

Ah – Hector! It’s been too long. Hasn’t it?”

Colin:

Hector. I like that he calls him that.

“Aye, Isla de Muerta, remember? You shot me.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Tia Dalma!”

“You add an agreeable sense of macabre to any delirium.”

Colin:

That’s a way to get on any chick’s good side. Tell her she adds macabre to any situation. Well, then…maybe it’d work with her. And we have to remember that Depp’s in a lot of Tim Burton movies.

“He thinks we’re a hallucination.”

“William, tell me something – have you come because you need my help to save a certain distressing damsel, or rather – damsel in distress? Either one.”

“No.”

“Well then you wouldn’t be here, would you? So you can’t be here.”

“QED, you’re not really here!”

Colin:

He’s doing this to what he presumes are hallucinations. If I was hallucinating people and knew it, I’d just look at them. Like when House thought he was done with the Amber hallucinations and then she showed up at the bar again. That was great.