Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Thor: The Dark World (2013), Part I — “Is Your Journey Really Necessary?”

We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Thor: The Dark World.

Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.

We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.

We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.

Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.

Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the first part of Thor: The Dark World.

“Long before the birth of light, there was darkness.”

They’re telling us this over darkness. Didn’t they do that last time?

Also, fucking really. Before light there was darkness. No shit, asshole.

Colin:

Hey, another movie that starts with a voiceover. I’m gonna go slit my throat.

Another shitty opening shot.

“And from that darkness came the Dark Elves.”

And right there is where you lost me.

Dark elves? No thank you.

Also, what’s with the terrible naming of things. Dark elves. Frost giants. It’s like, “Take a mythical creature, and then a Pokemon type, and you’ve got a Thor bad guy race.” The stripper name of bad guys. I can’t wait for the ghost centaurs.

Colin:

Would there be dragon dragons? But seriously, they’re really just taking shit from World of Warcraft, aren’t they? Or maybe you could make the case that World of Warcraft is taking shit from Marvel comics. Either way, fantasy has like 5 character types.

And none of them are three-dimensional.

“Millennia ago, the most ruthless of their kind, Malekith-”

His name is Malekith, and he’s an elf. Did you guys even think about what you were going to put on the screen?

Colin:

Why’s he so mad? Did Nicolas Cage break one of your carpentry projects?

And that, children, is how it got burned.

“Sought to transform our universe back into one of eternal night.”

Because why not? Everyone needs some kind of bullshit stupid plan.

Colin:

What’s with the multiverse shit? Is this Magic: The Gathering?

Is there a sequel game called Magic: The Exodus?

Or Magic: Get the Fuck Out of Here?

Based on the subtitle, your milkshake isn’t the only thing that brings all the boys to the yard.

(And card rhymes with yard, so for all you nerds out there, have at those lyrics.)

“Such power was possible through the power of the Aether.”

Blood?

“An ancient force.”

Oh. Looks like blood.

“Of infinite destruction.”

Looks like CGI blood. But if you say so.

Colin:

Another ancient force of infinite destruction. I’m sorry, why is ancient stuff always more destructive? Why are ancient evils always scarier? You know in real life, ancient evil is a short, hairy guy with a stick. But fantasy loves ancient evil, so it’s always Balrogs and Aether and bullshit.

Weird how they sort of know it’s an infinity stone, but aren’t treating it like an infinity stone. It kind of has a double life going on, where it’s part of this bullshit story, but also part of another bullshit story that’s to come.

Also kinda weird that this one infinity stone can destroy worlds, yet Thanos wants them all. So he can… super destroy worlds, I guess.

So how does one bottle that?

It’s a shitty 300.

Colin:

It’s terrible how many movies that line applies to. Zack Snyder really unleashed the whack-en when he made that.

I have such problems with that movie. Not as a movie. It’s fine, and it’s fun. I just mean — what that movie represents to people, and how overrated it is by people. It’s weird how Sin City really led us down that path, but 300 is the one that stands out as the benchmark.

Elvish bullshit.

Colin:

Apparently ancient black people were involved with this evil. So we’re clear: infinite evil, but excellent career mobility for black people.

Still haven’t seen any Space Mexicans, though. I bet they’re super persecuted. Which is a real shame.

Asgard would probably do pretty well for itself if they turned that thing into a regular laser that just killed the guys without them having to show up on their shitty planets.

All right. Elves with blasters.

Colin:

More historic battles. For shit’s sake, can we start these movies with something original for a change?

Not to be racist — but they all look alike. Are those really elaborate costumes, like Stormtroopers? Or do they all just look like that? Because that’s gotta pose a problems for their lady elves.

Also, why don’t we see the lady elves? Where are they?

That’s the weird thing about these ancient races that hide for years, swearing revenge. You never see the women. Why can’t Marvel have a badass female villain for a change?

But aside from that much lengthier argument, how has this race survived all this time without women? Are they just going along with the plan? Are they steadying the men and keeping them from doing shit like this most of the time? Are they just chilling back on the home planet? Because that’s total pillage bait.

This is some awful storytelling.

But I actually kind of like a few of these shots.

Not like, for a shots list. Just, in theory.

Colin:

I still don’t get why they don’t just leave the bi-frost on. This is potentially the end of the universe. Just blow this place up. 

“The noble armies of Asgard, led by my father, King Bor-“

Neils?

“Waged a mighty war.”

Neils Bor waged a mighty war. Soon to be succeeded by his grandson Thor.

Space Dr. Seuss.

Your war looks shitty.

“Against these creatures.”

Would have never guessed. I thought it would have been against drugs.

The Space War on Drugs.

Nobody cares when your battle is this CG.

Colin:

Are these evil elves? Is there a dark Legolas?

Hey… you guys have some sort of guns.

That you apparently don’t ever use again in later wars.

Is that Neils Bor?

Did you know what Neils Bohr and Scooby Doo have in common?

They’re both Great Danes.

Colin:

He looks like the Radagast of Asgardian kings. That’s the dorkiest thing I’ll say this week.

I’m honestly more interested in the guy behind him. Who is either wearing a horribly caricature Richard Nixon mask, or is Rowan Atkinson with a giant fake nose.

What kind of work do you have to put into a beard like that?

“Send in the Kursed.”

Colin:

K really is the funniest letter. Was this not supposed to be funny?

Send in the klowns, it might as well be.

Killer Kursed from Outer Space.

Are you really just standing there?

Did you just get a text?

Is that the Kursed? Are you gonna throw rocks at them?

Okay, so that’s a thing.

“Every rose has its thorn…”

“Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song…”

“Every rose has its thorn”

SPACE GUITAR SOLO

All… right.

Colin:

Okay, he just turned into a Balrog.

I’ll say this now, because it’s gonna be a recurring theme during this movie — I don’t like that, with just about everything that happens, I can go, “This is (something out of another movie.” When your plot is derived from a dozen other movies and you can spot that stuff instantaneously while watching, and all of your action is utterly pointless and cancels itself out within minutes of it happening, I can’t be okay with your movie.

This is our first shot of this thing in action.

Great work, guys. Great job keeping us aware of what’s going on.

Colin:

Bosses don’t always have to be super badasses at everything, you know.

“As the nine worlds converged above him-”

Where is this happening? Why is this happening?

It seems like you want to unleash the Aether. But it also looks like you’re on your home planet. Are you not? If not, then where are you? As we’ll find out later, the Convergence is a good time to unleash a weapon of mass destruction, because you can accomplish a lot without having to go anywhere. But who are you shooting at? How does Asgard know about this? Is there another Idris Elba who saw this happening? Seems like the ideal situation would be to unleash this thing without anyone knowing what you’re doing. But whatever. This is all prologue. I guess I should save my giant plot hole problems for the actual movie.

“Malekith could at last unleash the Aether.”

Where does he keep that thing?

Really don’t like a movie that requires backstory for us to get into.

This has happened twice now.

Remember Iron Man? No backstory. Just whiskey in the desert.

Colin:

Lots of great movies begin with booze in a desert. And end that way, too.

“But Asgard ripped the weapon from his grasp.”

Which it could have done at any point, really.

I still don’t know if that’s a chest plate or his actual chest.

Look at this samurai looking motherfucker.

No idea what’s happening. I’m bringing back a line from Twilight, which is — you kind of have to drink to make it through this movie.

Colin:

I hate that it’s taken for granted that leaders just boss anything. Maybe make it appear difficult? Cause otherwise, why are you even showing us these guys getting slaughtered? We know he’s a bad guy.

“Without it, the dark elves fell.”

Is he gonna scream now? It looks like he’s gonna scream.

Colin:

Why does taking that stuff away ruin everyone? Can this be slightly less like Sauron and the ring?

That would mean it would be less derivative and more original. I don’t think Marvel knows how to do that.

That looked like a finishing move.

At this point you might as well have a Terminator come and step on his skull. Because I’ve seen just about everything else referenced so far.

Oh, he’s not gonna scream. He’s gonna kill himself.

“With the battle all but lost-”

Colin:

Seems evil, but he put a black man in a position of authority, so he can’t be all bad.

“Malekith sacrificed his own people in a desperate attempt to lay waste to Asgard’s army.”

All right, close second.

“Their deaths mean our survival. This war is far from over.”

Of course. This is pre-title card.

This feels like a Zack Snyder shot. Could have been interesting. Guy walking away from widescreen explosions. But the digital nature of it just ruins it. Plus it’s out of focus.

“Malekith was vanquished, and the Aether was no more.”

That’s not true. It was taken from them. It still exists somewhere.

Colin:

The Aether was not no more. You don’t tell us this unless there’s gonna be more Aether later. And didn’t they just take it away?

“Or so we were led to believe.”

See?

Colin:

Oh. “So we thought.” No, you just buried it.

“Sire, the Aether, shall we destroy it?”

Why the fuck would you say anything other than yes?

“If only we could. But its power is too great.”

So at what point in there were you led to believe anything?

Colin:

Yeah, this is just a bad voiceover script, and it’s Anthony Hopkins, which again — should be a punishable offense.

“Bury it deep.”

Yeah. Sounds like a great plan.

“Somewhere no one will ever find it.”

Colin:

Really? Bury the evil? Never heard of that one before. I hate comic book stories.

Cut to modern day America.

Colin:

And now title card, because hey guys this is the terrible movie you’re about to watch!

Do we ever see the Dark World? Is this it? Because it’s a subtitle, but I’m not really sure what it means for anything. At least the other subtitles point to specific storylines. This one’s just kind of there.

Meanwhile, back to shit that’s actually interesting.

Colin:

don’t make a slavery joke don’t make a slavery joke

Can’t he just illusion himself out of those chains? I’m not sure how that works, but we probably should.

Colin:

Can’t believe I’m going to a Star Wars prequel, but they should have done one of these shots here for effect. 

Did they redesign this set?

Or is the lighting just more shitty?

“Loki.”

That’s her only job in these movies.

Colin:

See, you say that, but…

“Hello, mother. Have I made you proud?”

Colin:

Something I still haven’t figured out…Loki only just turned evil in the last movie, but that old children’s book had him labeled as the God of Mischief from WAY back.

I think that’s how this works. He does some shit, they put him in chains, he gets out, they forget, and we just go in circles. Because who remembers some shit that happened centuries ago?

“Please don’t make this worse.”

“Define worse.”

“Enough.”

“I will speak to the prisoner alone.”

So only the woman leaves?

Colin:

I think it’s sort of like how in The Great Gatsby, the servants are treated like wallpaper. Her being the only one excused here shows some respect. The rest of these soldiers ain’t shit.

So do they like, sign NDAs or what? Because I’m sure the peasants talk.

That little shackle kick he does is great. He’s gonna be the only thing worthwhile about this movie.

Colin:

And just enough to put this movie over the other movie I have in contention for last place.

And I said that before the laugh. This motherfucker is great.

“I really don’t see what all the fuss is about.”

I just tried to kill some people. What’s the big deal?

“Do you really not feel the gravity of your crimes? Wherever you go, there is war, ruin and death.”

Earth doesn’t count. Wherever humans go, that’s what happens.

Also… wherever he goes. He doesn’t go anywhere! That’s what happens when Thor goes places too. How big a sample size are we basing this on?

“I went down to Midgard to rule the people of Earth as a benevolent God.”

That takes balls, to lie in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

“Just like you.”

“We are not gods. We’re born, we live, we die. Just as humans do.”

When? What is your life span relative to humans? This has never been explained. Also, how come you had a stroke and don’t sound like Kirk Douglas?

Colin:

He’s had four strokes. The Kirk Douglas voice is not something that’s acquired. It’s something that’s earned.

This movie’s gonna make me earn the Kirk Douglas voice.

Do you think he goes into Kirk Douglas sleep?

Speaking of which, as of exactly tomorrow, Kirk Douglas will be 98 1/2 years old. That’s more interesting to me than anything that happens in this movie.

“Give or take five thousand years.”

What?! Something was actually explained? Well that’s a first.

Colin:

I still don’t get it from Lord of the Rings either. Do they age normally to adulthood, or are they children for like 1000 years? Because I don’t know if I could spend 100 years changing diapers. 

This is why you have people.

You think Odin was anywhere near those infants? He was banging Space Asians the whole time while Rene Russo stood there and looked at her children and said their names every few minutes out loud, to no one in particular.

“All this because Loki desires a throne.”

Just give him a fucking throne, then.

Colin:

They’re only sorta kinda explaining what the hell he was trying to do in The Avengers.

“It is my birthright.”

It is.

“Your birthright?”

Wow, he really hit that T.

“Was to die!”

Well, technically, yeah.

Give or take five thousand years.

“As a child.”

No, don’t think that’s true either. Pretty sure that was just circumstance. Nature vs. nurture, buddy. Learn the difference.

Colin:

More of Anthony Hopkins yelling, please. He didn’t speak enough in the first movie, and I really hope he has more lines in this to keep me from losing my mind.

“Cast out onto a frozen rock.”

You keep going on this one. Pretty sure that’s not true either. Wasn’t he in a church or some such shit? Would someone really have found this baby and went, “That’s a shame,” and then put him on an iceberg to float away? Is that what you do with babies you find? Because I’ve been doing it all wrong.

“If I had not taken you in, you would not be here now, to hate me.”

This is the best line in the movie.

This is a perfect line.

So at least we have that.

Colin:

I can’t wait to have a son to have issues with.

“If I am for the axe, then for mercy’s sake, just swing it.”

There you go. Spare me the bullshit, just do it if you’re gonna do it.

“It’s not that I don’t love our little talks, it’s just – I don’t love them.”

He’s great.

“Frigga is the only reason you’re alive and you will never see her again.”

Frigga? Really?

Colin:

Frigga…is that mom? So he’s gonna spend the next 5000 years in chains instead of them killing him now? Does he get a magazine? Does he get anything? Can he talk to his projections?

Why is she the only reason? He took him in. Why does she feel more toward him than Odin does? Why did she only have one kid? Did she become barren? Is Odin’s seed a scorched earth kind of deal?

Colin::

Flaming Dragon actually sounds like one of the weird Nine Realm races.

And why is he never gonna see her again? “Your mother is the reason you’re gonna live, but I won’t let you see her anymore.” Did he want to see her? Is this a punishment?

“You’ll spend the rest of your days in the dungeon.”

Considering this dude knows ways out of the place that no one else knows, I highly doubt that.

Also, can’t he transport himself or whatever?

Colin:

What’s the toilet situation? Is there a shower?

“And what of Thor?”

Interesting. I thought he was hurt. He scoffs.

“You’ll make that witless oaf king while I rot in chains?”

“Thor must strive to undo the damage you have done. He will bring order to the nine realms and then yes, he will be king.”

So, to get this straight, Thor was minutes away from becoming king until that shit with the frost giants went down. And then Odin was like, “Well, you’re not king just yet. You got some shit to learn.” And then he learned it. And then apparently he didn’t become king after that. And then months went by, and then The Avengers went down, and Thor just kind of showed up and did that. And now he’s still not king, and apparently his kingship is being delayed until he cleans up whatever shit Loki did. Or is Odin talking about what Loki did from the first movie? Seems like he’s talking about The Avengers. Which – what’s to clean up? That’s Earth business. Not Asgard business. Why isn’t he king? Why are you hanging onto the throne, Odin?

Colin:

I think it’s still the first movie’s stuff. The bi-frost was destroyed and the realms all went nuts cause the Asgardians weren’t around. So then they got it fixed and now they have to clean up all that shit.

Yeah, but while they were fixing it, he couldn’t become king then? It’s not like they fixed it in four days. He proved himself worthy of the throne, and then they just sort of sat there while they rebuilt the space bridge, and then he went off to fight on Earth and is now restoring order. I know Earth is having a bad semester, but we have no gauge of what the time difference was here.

Oh boy, Space Rohan is being attacked. Where’s the woman sending her kids off on the horse?

Colin:

Where’s Space Miranda Otto and Space Karl Urban?

He’s drawing her like one of his Space French girls.

Are those jelly beans?

A HA HA HA HA you did not give a shit at all with that name, did you?

Colin:

Vanaheim. What a shitty realm you have.

Colin:

So they’re good guys who go around policing and protecting the rest of the Nine Realms. It’s great how Marvel decided Asgard is just Space America.

I like that somehow they knew the space bridge got broken and just started rioting after that. Were there regularly scheduled checkpoints? Were they taking tribute from them like the mob? “You better have my fucking money by Tuesday or I’m gonna burn your realm to the ground”? How did you guys know Asgard couldn’t get here anymore? Also, if you need to constantly surveil the nine realms to prevent this shit from happening, is it even worth it? What is this, the Space Middle East?

Chick on a horse.

Who, if you look closely, could be Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Hey, the hot chick is back. What was her name again?

Hold on… I’ll remember this.

Something like shiv.

Colin:

“SHIV.” Foreshadowing! And not of someone getting stabbed, either.

Sif. That’s what it is.

The name that sounds more like a hot female elf than a Thor warrior.

Her chest plate has titties on it.

Colin:

Does yours not?

“Twenty one! Twenty two!”

What? Is that not Gimli?

I honestly am never gonna remember his name. So I won’t even try.

Colin:

This shot makes it look like he has crazy hair. 

Bazooka? What the fuck, guys?

I imagine this is what Mongolia is like every day.

Colin:

Oh god, they’re Asian and they have yurts. So this is Space America liberating Space Mongolia from weird rocket launcher dudes who I assume are just taken from The Fifth Element.

“Bitch, get your hands off of me.”

Colin:

This is the work that Asians get in Hollywood.

What the fuck are these things?

Colin:

It doesn’t matter, to us, the story, or the people telling it.

But the question needs to be asked. This is the kind of shit people just allow to happen. That’s not okay.

You picked a convenient place to land.

What, just because you’re Thor means you get to show up late? People are dying.

Colin:

Light, hammer, action.

Hey, a non-CGI face. Those are rare these days.

How did that not kill her?

I bet whoever wrote that was erect as fuck at the time.

Are you guys just ignoring the woman between you?

What’s that thing way in the back? Is that what Space Asia calls a monument?

That’s a neat trick. Only seems to work on the bad guys, huh?

“I’ve got this completely under control.”

Except for the guy about to shoot you in the face twenty seconds ago.

Colin:

That’s always what they say. I’m sick of this in franchises. Someone saves someone else’s life, and the retort is, “I was handling that.” No. No you weren’t. I want to see those people murdered so we can see what happens when you think battles are funny and it turns out they’re not.

“Is that why everything’s on fire?”

Isn’t that what you do?

Colin:

This face is everything that’s wrong with how Marvel views violence.

Terry Tate, Asgard Linebacker.

Colin:

He was originally first in line for Heimdall, but Idris Elba has a great agent.

So glad we haven’t seen moustache douchebag and Asian irrelevant yet.

Colin:

Give it a minute.

Also, I’m pretty sure I’ve been referred to as “white irrelevant.”

What’s with all the fucking dirt?

I normally like dirt flying into frame, but I don’t get why there’s so much of it here.

Did moustache douchebag shave off his moustache? The answer is no. They just recast the fuck. Good. I didn’t like him.

Whoa. Asian guy is doing shit now. He was only the medic last movie.

He does look similar enough to where no one would notice.

Colin:

They should really have less fun massacring tribal aliens.

Colin:

Is that Greedo?

Let’s see if he shoots first.

Anyway, they win.

Is that what those things shoot? I thought it was lasers. Spears are cooler.

“You’re welcome.”

Now bang her.

Colin:

See? This shit. Why the shit do we need all these moments of people saving each other’s lives? This ain’t Lord of the Rings. You don’t get to do all the playful stuff and not have real characters.

And then he gets shot in the chest anyway.

Why someone would shoot him in the armor and not in the head is beyond me.

“Motherfu…”

WHAT’S WITH THE FUCKING DIRT?!!

I’m cool with it, because it feels less CGI than usual, but where is it coming from and why is there so much of it?

Good luck getting all that dirt out from under your clothes. How often do you guys bathe?

Colin:

Too bad she hasn’t realized the tactical advantage of a projectile weapon.

Well you took a while to get here.

“All yours.”

Colin:

I would love to see that thing jizz pebbles.

Do you not?

“Hello.”

That is about all you can say.

They always have to step forward and yell.

Colin:

This is kinda like Troy, with the Achilles v Boagrius fight. Still, it’s strange that the prince would lower himself to this. Prince wouldn’t lower himself to this.

“I accept your surrender.”

Ha. I made a funny. Let us enjoy this moment of joviality.

Colin:

How do they not know him? The implication is that the realms are only now in chaos because the bi-frost broke and Asgard was out of the picture for like a few months. 

Colin:

What’s he gonna do? This guy looks like a rock/ground dual type. Thunder ain’t working.

“Anyone else?”

Colin:

Seriously, way too much fun with murder. And the ‘anyone else’ is right out of Troy.

Colin:

That is an unbridled sex look.

The only reason it’s unbridled is because Thor’s got his Earth bitch.

Well shit, that was easy.

It seems like these guys were looting, and aware they couldn’t really win, so they were just having fun with it. It’s like both sides knew how this was gonna go, and it was more sport than anything. Or maybe that’s just cause it’s Marvel and there are no real stakes to anything that happens.

“Perhaps next time we should start with the big one.”

Oh, shut the fuck up and go back to Die Another Day.

Colin:

I’d like to point out that this guy has a thing for sequels. His first feature film appearance was in Big Momma’s House 2, and he also had a role in Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.

For those not sure who that is, by the way, that’s the guy who played Chuck on TV and was the voice of not-Rapunzel in Tangled.

Not that anyone cares about this character.

Yes, let us smile at children. For this is what we do during bad movies.

Colin:

Sometimes the children look at the sky and smile.

Gotta get them jelly beans.

“Where do we go next?”

To fuck bitches and drink mead. Where do we always go?

“Hogun, the peace is nearly won.”

Brother.

“Across the nine relms.”

What peace? Why wasn’t there peace? Seems like things were fine outside of Loki starting shit with Frost Giants and Loki fucking with Earth. Not sure why there isn’t peace already.

Colin:

Their explanation is that Team Asgard: Realm Police were stuck at home because the bi-frost was broken and all the crazies started shit.

Yeah, but that’s small shit. There’s no way there’s perfect peace all the time.

“You should stay here, be with your people, where your heart is.”

His people are Asians?

He’s from Vanaheim?

Colin:

Oh, so it WAS a warrior exchange program! He’s from Space Asia.

“Asgard can wait.”

For what?

“You have my thanks.”

What? He’s like, “Stay with your people, we almost won.” And you’re like, “Yeah, cool.” That’s not how being a warrior works.

Also, you have my sword. And my bow. And my axe.

Colin:

I love that we’ve reached that point. “What the fuck? Also, [Lord of the Rings reference.]”

Shitty Predator handshake.

“As you have mine.”

Are we getting him out of the movie so we don’t have to kill him?

They’re gonna kill someone. Top money’s on Rene Russo, because she didn’t die last movie. He’d have been my second choice. Now all the odds swing over to her.

Colin:

This isn’t the worst shot in the world (in the realm?), but they still did bad, blurry CGI and too much light on the actors. And it’s bad digital.

And of course the cinematographer and director worked together previously on Game of Thrones. That show needs to stop encroaching. How about Game of Stay the Hell Out of Movies?

“Heimdall, when you’re ready.”

Yup, just take me. Leave everyone else behind.

Also, you got that shit fixed right quick, didn’t you?

Colin:

So it’s all fixed, the bi-frost. No time for Natalie, though.

Does anyone get to come and go? Is there tourism for the Asgardians? Considering that they can travel instantly anywhere at no apparent cost, you’d think that regular, hardworking Asgardians would be allowed to come and go. What if there was an old, white widow who used the bi-frost all the time and Heimdall was actually Hokedall and it became Driving Miss Space Daisy?

IS THERE A SPACE PIGGLY WIGGLY?

Colin:

Only about 105 minutes to go.

So the rest of the warriors are just left there?

FUCKING REALLY?! We know where the hell it is.

Colin:

Thanks for the title card. At this point, we all really needed to know where this was.

Asgard has crows now?

Is that because people said it was too CGI and sterile last movie?

So you made CGI birds?

Idiots.

Colin:

The fuck? Is this Dinotopia or Naboo or Rivendell or WHAT?

Oh look, trees.

Colin:

“Mushrooms!” is the inflection I read that in.

Seriously, what is going on?

Colin:

Fantasy movies and waterfalls. Always with the goddamn waterfalls. Every single fantasy movie you watch will have at least 10 waterfalls.

Anthony Hopkins and a bird.

People training. AKA, “See, guys, this isn’t all computer generated!”

Anthony Hopkins waving goodbye to a bird.

“Is Vanaheim secure?”

“As are Nornheim and Ria.”

These are names of places.

Also, secure from what? You told us about elves, and then Thor was cleaning up a mess that has nothing to do with anything we’ve been told. My main gripe against this movie is that none of it matters, and you can see why already. Shit’s just happening and we don’t know why.

“Our work would have gone much more quickly with you at the fore.”

No it wouldn’t have. He’s old as fuck. If your leader talks to birds, he ain’t helping you in battle.

“You must think I’m a piece of bread that needs to be buttered so heavily.”

Colin:

Frigga might have something to say about that.

Frigga doesn’t want anyone else to have that Odin butter.

“That was not my intent.”

“For the first time since Bifrost was destroyed the nine realms are at peace.”

What? So the Bifrost is destroyed and shit goes downhill? Why? Riots? People somehow knew Asgard couldn’t get there and it got crazy?

Okay, sure. Let’s lease that for the moment.

How the fuck did they manage to fix it? How can they beam down? Maybe explain that.

Colin:

Yeah, I think it just takes fixing and in that time, shit went haywire. 

“They’re well-reminded of our strength, and you have earned their respect and my gratitude.”

How quickly did they forget Asgard’s strength? I feel like if there are gods that can come down and fuck your day up at any time, you wouldn’t forget about that.

“Thank you.”

Colin:

So things with Dad are good, which means we need to have another problem.

I kinda hope Thor hits his head and gets amnesia and settles down with Sif for ten years and forgets about Natalie.

“Nothing out of order except your confused and distracted heart.”

“This isn’t about Jane Foster, father.”

Yeah, it is.

“Human lives are fleeting, they’re nothing.”

Yeah, but he did say it wasn’t about her. But continue to hammer that point home.

Colin:

Oh, dude, forget about Natalie. Shave your beard and she’ll be dead before it grows back.

“You’d be better served by what lies in front of you.”

Ha ha. He just told his son to bang that chick.

And I agree with him.

Why is everyone more logical than Thor?

He should totally bang her. Natalie Portman went to Harvard. But this chick looks like she went to the Harvard of fucking.

Colin:

She went to the University of South Florida?

See?

“I’m telling you this not as the All-Father, but as your father.”

So that’s what, not an order, just advice?

I could tell you to bang her, but I’ll just tell you to bang her.

“You’re ready.”

Ready to fuck!

Colin:

His suit’s so tight!

“The time has come for you to take the throne.”

Are we really setting this up like last movie? “Time to be king… oh, some shit’s going down, I guess we’ll have to wait.”

“Embrace and celebrate what you have won. Join your warriors. Eat and drink. Revel in their celebration. At least pretend to enjoy yourself.”

Seriously. Stop being such a little bitch and go get FUCKED UP.

Colin:

And mostly, sow them royal oats. You know Odin has sex with his bathers.

I’m sorry, I was picturing someone actually sewing the royal oats.

But yes. Odin has performed intercourse on several notable occasions.

Is he really gonna pout for this entire movie?

Why can’t he go see her, exactly? The Bifrost works again, and there’s peace. Go get wasted and then go see her tomorrow. Did you promise Odin you wouldn’t see her or something? I don’t understand.

You’re welcome, ladies.

Colin:

Pretend to enjoy yourself and MUSCLES

So this is how he bathes? Not even in a giant bath with wenches to clean his royal hammer.

No purpose at all. Just for the ladies.

“Somewhere, out there…”

“Beneath the pale moonlight…”

An Asgardian Tale: Thor Goes West.

Are these peasant’s quarters? Because it looks like you’re just trying to be more like Game of Thrones.

I like the lighting.

Colin:

This guy looks like he’s gotten laid in the vomitorium before. And don’t tell me that the ancient Romans didn’t actually purge themselves in vomitoria — I know the history. But this ain’t Rome, and I’m saying that they DO throw up during meals and that this guy has done the dirt in the throw up room.

“Another!”

Colin:

Why is this little girl on his lap? Did she hold her nose when he burped? Are we supposed to remember this as a callback to when Thor smashes the coffee mug?

Colin:

I’m really getting the Gladiator vibes from after the first battle when they’re all feasting and Commodus is introducing him to the senators.

If this is how they celebrate, what do the peasants do?

Holy shit, what are you wearing?

Who’s this asshole with the white hair?

“There was a time when you would celebrate for weeks.”

“I remember you celebrating the Battle of Haragon so much that you nearly started a second.”

“Well the first was so much fun.”

Aww…she wants to bang him.

Colin:

No, we don’t have fun during battles. Battles are death and mutilation and you should be ashamed of your drunken warmongering.

“Take a drink with me. Surely the All-Father could have no further task for you tonight.”

Oh, but he does. If only you knew what that task was.

“No, this is one I serve myself.”

“It does not go unnoticed that you disappear each night.”

To jerk off?

“There are nine realms. The future King of Asgard must focus on more than one.”

Apparently not. Shit seems to go down on that one more than most.

Colin:

See, he needs to focus on multiple realms, yes – but Earth is having a REALLY bad semester.

“I thank you for your sword and for your counsel, good lady Sif.”

And for the handy you’re gonna give me in the bathroom later.

“Fuck. I just blew it. Completely blew it.”

Some random is gonna get hatefucked tonight.

Colin:

In Mike’s parlance, some random is going to get sobfucked tonight. (We win.)

REALLY? I can see the fucking clock!

Colin:

Rubenesque Benjamin, I think it’s called?

That’s the classy way to say it. I just call it Pee-Wee’s Big Clock.

Something’s gonna blow up.

That’s the only thing that happens in random shots like this.

Colin:

This is the angle we got at the beginning of Wolf of Wall Street, before all the martinis get ordered and the blow gets snorted.

That is also acceptable.

Oh. It’s Natalie Portman.

At the Ox.

Colin:

And look, it’s Michael Fassbender from A Dangerous Method.

Looking like she’s gonna either kill or hatefuck this guy.

Colin:

She’s on a date because he hasn’t taken 5 minutes since The Avengers to come back and say hi.

Is that Chris O’Dowd?

Does he know what movie he’s in?

Look at that motherfucker in the back.

That’s like if Clive Owen were a Jewish accountant during the Holocaust.

Colin:

Like I was saying…

Smooth.

“Hi.”

That is Chris O’Dowd.

“So what’s the story with you?”

“Why does there have to be a story? There is no story.”

“You spent the first ten minutes of our date hiding behind a menu that has three choices on it. It’s either chicken, vegetarian or fish, Jane. I think there’s a story, and I’m thinking the story involves a guy.”

Colin:

Is this guy sticking around? Is Thor going to get jealous? Is this going to be Agent Carter and the fondue bullshit all over again?

Why does the menu only have three choices on it?

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

“It’s complicated.”

“Is he still around?”

“No, he went away.”

“I’ve been there. The going away – it’s hard. I was seeing a woman, and she took a job in New York.”

Oh, well maybe she’s dead.

Though apparently nobody died during that invasion, so probably not.

Reaction shots.

“Eventually the distance killed it. And the fact that she, uhh – she kept sleeping with other dudes.”

“No!”

“Oh, so many.”

Colin:

Oh, so many obvious reaction shots.

“Hi. Could we get some wine, please?”

“Sure. Love some.”

Colin:

What part of her looks like a waitress?

People are just dumb. The key is doing what that person would do. I get that shit in supermarkets all the time. I’m walking around, looking for something, and I have the habit of looking at people rather than avoiding eye contact at all costs like most people (people in stores act like we’re all looking for porno and this is all on the down-low. Which is exactly why I make sure to make eye contact with everyone and smile at them). And just by doing that, no matter what I’m wearing, people will stop me and go, “Do you work here?” I guess that’s where we’re at as a society. “This person smiled at me. They must want to help me. Because regular people would never be nice like that.”

“Richard, this is Darcy.”

Colin:

Darcy? She was a short-term intern who was getting college credit! Why is she in LONDON?

“What are you doing here?”

My question exactly. You served no purpose in the first movie, so they brought you BACK?

“Oh. Hello.”

“So, I show up to work at the lab/your mom’s house.”

In London?

“Fully expecting you to be moping around in your pajamas, eating ice cream-”

Is that just a thing that all women do?

“And obsessing about-”

“You know who.”

Voldemort?

“But you’re not! You’re wearing lady clothes, you even showered, didn’t you? You smell good.”

Colin:

Yeah, try to paint that picture of Natalie Portman as a sloppy mess who stinks. We’re all buying whatever you’re selling.

“Is there a point to all this? Because there really needs to be a point to all this.”

The answer is no. There is no point to anything that’s happening right now, or will happen over the next 95 minutes.

“You know that scientific equipment you don’t look at anymore? You might want to start looking at it again.”

“This is the reason we came all the way out here.”

Not the plot? Because I think it’s the plot.

“It’s malfunctioning.”

“That’s what I said.”

So just bang it on the fucking table. That’ll fix it.

“That’s what I did!”

“I thought you would do something a little more scientific.”

I haven’t seen her do anything scientific in two movies.

“I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Doesn’t look like nothing. Looks kind of like the readings Erik was rambling about.”

Erik, the man who was mind-controlled and now no one talks about it?

Flattering shot.

“Our friend Erik. Kinda went banana balls.”

“He’s not interested. I’m not interested. Time for you to go now.”

Colin:

Strangely, her feelings mirror my own.

Sure. Smile. Be a dick to your employee and then smile like you didn’t just act like a huge cunt.

“Okay.”

“Short but sweet.”

“She needs help.”

“I think I’m gonna have the sea bass.”

“Sea bass. Yeah, sea bass is good.”

“Sea bass, sea bass sea bass…”

Really?

“Jane, maybe you should stop saying sea bass and go after your friend.”

Colin:

Why are we so good to women?

“This was so fun.”

No, don’t say that. Say I’m sorry. Now you look worse.

“I’ll just stay here and say sea bass alone.”

If you were smooth, you’d hit on the actual waitress.

Was she really just waiting in the car during this date?

“And I hate you.”

“What? I said he was cute.”

“Just shut up and drive.”

What was the purpose of that shot?

Colin:

Taking up two seconds of this movie that would be 17 minutes long if you cut the bullshit from it?

Holy shit. That’s the tagline to the entire movie.

Is Your Journey Really Necessary?

Colin:

That’s Carlisle Cullen’s old car. If you got that reference, you either read our articles very closely, or I probably wouldn’t get along with you.

You might as well go the full nine (realms) and put ‘London’ under all of these shots.

Because I’m not sure where we are right now.

“You need to take the next left.”

That face.

“Who’s he?”

“He’s my intern.”

“You have an intern?”

“Yeah.”

Your intern has an intern. Strange way to date, but okay.

Why hasn’t any movie done that? Like, old school Hollywood. In the racist days. Have a slave have their own slave. Because that’s the kind of humor we’re dealing with now anyway.

“Hello, Dr. Foster. It’s a great honor to be working with you.”

Colin:

She has an intern because we need a steady stream of inconsequential but annoying characters to be strewn along our path to disappointment.

“Oh, take a right.”

Don’t you know these streets?

“I have totally mastered driving in London.”

Colin:

She should be arrested and ejected from this movie.

“Hi, Erik, it’s me.”

I know you went crazy during the last movie and all, but I wasn’t there for that, and they seemed to hit you on the head pretty hard, so, I need your advice.

“Again.”

Why again? If he didn’t get the previous messages, pretty sure he isn’t gonna get this one and go, “Oh, Jane! Haven’t heard from you in a while!”

“Where are you?”

Probably in an asylum. Or jail. You aided an alien fugitive attempt to take over the human race.

And then Loki.

Apparently he told her to come to London because he was onto something. And then vanished.

But then her mom lives here. So I don’t fucking know.

Found him.

Tuesday.

Colin:

Well I’ve never done that. At Stonehenge.

Stonehenge is basically like the Europa CFA.

This face.

Can we talk about how random a cut this is? She asks where he is… wouldn’t you cut to the event, and not the news broadcast of the event?

Colin:

Especially because we SEE IT LATER ON TV. This is supposed to be a reveal for some of the characters later, and they show us now! WHY?

Especially since you could have started with the looney bin shot, which might have made that even slightly effective instead of obvious, and built up to the reveal of what got him there, which would have been funnier. Plus, the simple explanation of why he’s there, “I had a god in my head,” would have worked just fine.

Also, does no one know he was part of the New York thing?

“Come on, this is exciting.”

“Look, the intern is excited.”

“Ian.”

“Do you want the phase meter?”

“No.”

“Bring the phase meter.”

Colin:

Why are we so good to women?

Is this not strange to anyone else?

“How do I change the ringtone on this thing?”

How did that get to be the ringtone in the first place?

And how do you not know how to change it? It’s a fucking smart phone.

Colin:

She’s a scientist who, later in this movie, creates wormholes. And she can’t change her ringtone. Although, I don’t think the song they chose was so bad.

“An astrophysicist with three degrees should be able to change her own ringtone.”

Why did you call her?

Also, they didn’t have to give her the third degree.

“Why are you calling me?”

Logic? Again? What’s going on?

I’m not giving them credit, though, because you created a ridiculous situation and then pointed out that it’s ridiculous. We’re still left with the fact that this is happening.

Is Your Journey Really Necessary?

“I didn’t want to shout.”

That’s the reasoning.

Colin:

Shut the fuck up, Darcy.

“Intern said it’s this way.”

Yeah, you could have walked and she could have followed you.

Or, the lead scientist could have taken the device that showed you exactly where to go.

Pointlessness.

Why are those containers positioned like that? Other Stonehenge?

Birds.

And crackheads.

“I am not getting stabbed in the name of science.”

What will you get stabbed in the name of?

Colin:

This is another callback to the first movie. It’s cute how they expect us to fan out and recognize that stuff in the theater. 

Uh oh. It’s the po-po. I didn’t do it.

“It’s okay, we’re Americans.”

All the more reason to stab you.

“Is that supposed to make them like us?”

Whoa. Logic?

Oh hey, little Mexican kids.

“Oh, they’re kids.”

Yeah, your chances of being stabbed just doubled.

You can’t reason with kids.

Also, the way you just said “Oh, they’re kids,” sounded like you’re the motherhood alarm in your ovaries just went off.

“Are you the police?”

Do they look like the police? Jesus, kids, get better at recognizing authority.

Colin:

If someone asks you if you’re the police, you tell them yes.

“No, we’re scientists. Well, I am.”

Wow. That was cunty.

“We’re geniuses. Well, I’m a genius. These are my asshole friends. They didn’t go to Harvard.”

Colin:

“Well, she goes to the Harvard of being annoying.” Which, coincidentally, is also the University of South Florida.

Go Bulls!

“Thanks.”

Exactly. Fuck her.

“We just found it.”

“Can you show us?”

This could go very wrong.

What’s that about? Why is he the leader?

Great. They found a cement truck. This is children in a nutshell. “Look at this, look at this!” “Great, Tabitha. It’s a rock.”

Is this gonna turn into Optimus Prime?

Also, only in England is a cement company named Norman Emerson and Sons.

Oh… kay.

Colin:

I’m so checked out of this movie. It’s like they’re chasing weird science that’s easily explained by Asgardians, unless this turns out to be related to the Aether, in which case they should have buried it deeper.

She won an Oscar.

“That doesn’t seem right?”

Why are you here?

Okay, so that’s happening. Maybe you don’t stay here if that shit is happening.

“Where’d it go?”

YOU’RE the fucking scientist!

Colin:

What if it’s like Nightcrawler’s teleportation through the Brimstone Dimension and the bottle is having a super bad time?

Great, so it just does that a bunch of times.

Colin:

Do none of them understand that this is a really unsafe place to be and that you could easily stumble upon a worse place?

I think we get how it works.

“What happened?”

Why are you speaking?

“Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don’t.”

Well you’re a regular fucking Descartes, aren’t you?

Colin:

At that age Descartes was still on the playground, stuck at, “I think I am, but what am I?”

“I wanna throw something. Jane, give me your shoe.”

This is the shit that annoys me most in movies. Dumb characters who say stupid shit for the sake of comic relief but use no logic whatsoever. This comes back to horrible writing. Because she should be turning to the intern and saying to give her his shoe. Because that’s his job. The whole exchange is dumb, but at least put some thought into it.

“I haven’t seen readings like this since –”

“New Mexico?”

Since I fucked that homeless man behind the Wimpy.

“Don’t touch anything!”

“Give me your shoe.”

Fuck you.

YOU’RE A SCIENTIST

Those were the keys to the car.

“Were those the car keys?”

Real convenient she has this science meter to tell her where to go.

Colin:

Shit’s beeping fast and the leaves are rustling. No good will come of this. This movie’s BORING.

White women…

Classic horror hallway scene.

You’re an idiot.

Welcome to Bullshit Land!

Colin:

She just got sucked into something and I’m not really paying attention.

Conveniently led her to where the plot needed her to be.

Colin:

So there are wormholes because the convergence is coming, but this one happens to be in her area and leads precisely to the Aether. What?

This is plot convenience of the first degree.

Colin:

Yeah, put your fingers in that. It’s also too dark for me to be able to tell what the shit is going on, so I’m just going to assume it’s stupid.

Natalie Portman just got AIDS.

Colin:

Did Natalie just get AIDS?

What the fuck is going on right now?

Also, is this buried? It doesn’t look buried.

Was this part of the plan? Let’s give Thor’s girlfriend AIDS?

Can this camera pan any slower?

Oh, hey, it’s this asshole.

Apparently he has AIDS-dar. Whenever someone gets AIDS, he wakes up.

Colin:

Not kidding you guys, when I asked Mike where to end my notes for Part I, he told me, “Natalie gets AIDS and the villain wakes up like he has AIDS radar.” That’s how we get things done.

Colin:

So their ultimate power was destroyed during an ancient battle and they’ve been waiting all this time in space to get revenge. It’s like Lord of the Rings had a shit baby with Prometheus and Star Trek.

END PART I.

Only IV more parts to go, guys!

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part II, and the Frigga saga.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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