Fun with Franchises: The Marvel Universe – Thor: The Dark World (2013), Part II — “Just Cause the Beauty You Seek Is Titties Doesn’t Mean You Can’t See the Universe”
We continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series. This week’s film is Thor: The Dark World.
Fun with Franchises is a series born out of my friend Colin and I realizing how much fun it was for the two of us to watch the same movie separately and then share our reactions. We started by watching all of the James Bond movies, for the purposes of ranking them for the blog. I brought him in because he was much more of a Bond expert than I was at the time, and I felt his perspective would liven things up. He would be the color commentator to my play-by-play man.
We soon discovered that, by watching the movies separately and then putting everything we said together in the same place, hilarity ensued. We each brought in our own observations, not knowing what the other would say, and then reacted to what the other said. And we loved every minute of it.
We had so much fun, we figured we had to do it again. So we graduated from a single franchise, to all franchises. If you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Season 1 included the Harry Potter movies, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Twilight (which neither of us had seen before we watched them for the articles) and Pirates of the Caribbean. All of those articles can be read on the Fun with Franchises page.
Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them. (Well… Twilight…) We’re watching movies we enjoy and are simply having some fun with them.
Right now, we’re doing the Marvel Universe, and today is the second part of Thor: The Dark World.
We begin Part II with the climax of the previous movie negated out of nowhere.
So you just built that shit again? Making the entire ending of the last movie inconsequential?
Colin:
The last one is bad. Very bad. There’s a case to be made that this one is better.
Like Kenneth Branagh, I can’t.
Colin:
Did the helmet port lightning room get an upgrade? It’s looking spiffier, albeit no less CGI.
Is every shot of him from the same angle?
“You’re late.”
“And you’re black.”
Colin:
And I’ve already given up on this movie. Who’s next?
“Merriment can sometimes be a heavier burden than battle.”
What? “Sometimes the party life is too hard to handle.”
ARTIFICE.
“Then you’re doing one of them incorrectly.”
Yup. Guess which one.
“How are the stars?”
That felt like a dick comment. I’d have liked that line better if the dialogue around it was better.
“Still shining. From here I can see nine realms and ten trillion souls.”
Can you? How many of them are banging right now?
Colin:
Ten trillion? Did you count? Does that include animals? Do animals have souls? Because ten trillion is like…a lot more than Earth. And even a lot more than nine times (NINE TIMES) Earth. Even if we bumped Earth’s population by a lot, that’s still 1000 Earths.
So…I think you guys made up a number, or the rest of the realms are hugely overpopulated. Except two that we’ve seen are barren wastes and one is Space Mongolia. So unless there’s like one single realm with trillions upon trillions of people, I don’t get how that works. And if that’s the case, we should check out that realm. I hear things in these movies, and my mind can’t let them go.
I just looked it up. Here are the nine realms:
Asgard — not a trillion people.
Midgard — Earth. What are we now, six billion?
Jotunheim — basically barren. A lot of people were already killed in the last movie.
Svartalfheim — we’ll see this one later. Not a chance.
Vanaheim — even if it has Asgard numbers, still not anywhere near his alleged total.
Alfheim (seriously?) — home of the Light Elves. So, maybe they have some numbers we don’t know about?
Muspelheim — Fire Demon planet. (This is seriously a Pokemon/Fantasy stripper naming device.) They got a lot of those?
Nifleheim — Frost Trolls. (Frost giants, frost midgets. Light elves, dark elves.)
Helheim — realm of the dead.
Must be that last one.
But while we’re here, how fucking ridiculous are those names?
“Do you recall what I told you of the convergence?”
Yes, Dr. Exposition.
“Yes. The alignment of the worlds. It approaches, doesn’t it?”
Colin:
Of course this shit is about to happen again right now for the first time in EONS. Earth is having the worst possible semester ever.
“The universe hasn’t seen this marvel since before my watch began. Few can sense it, even fewer can see it. But while its effects can be dangerous, it is truly beautiful.”
Colin:
Wait, how does he know if it’s beautiful if it hasn’t happened yet? Man, it’s sure lucky for the bad guy that she found that stuff just in time for him to be able to use it again for the first time in ages. Funny how things work.
“I see nothing.”
“Or perhaps, that is not the beauty you seek.”
Or maybe he’s just an idiot.
Colin:
Yeah, man. Just cause the beauty you seek is titties doesn’t mean you can’t see the universe.
Just Cause the Beauty You Seek Is Titties Doesn’t Mean You Can’t See the Universe
“How is she?”
“She’s quite clever, your mortal. She doesn’t know it yet, but she studies the convergence as well.”
And the AIDS? Can you not see that?
“Even-”
Oh, there we go.
“What?”
“I can’t see her.”
Is it too dark?
Can you not see the AIDS place?
Also, isn’t that a bad idea, to bury something so deep that even your guy who can see everything can’t see it? I feel like that would be part of your security system.
Oh jesus.
Colin:
The fuck are you wearing? Is this stuff gonna somehow make her immortal?
Get some chapstick, Natalie.
Is she a vampire now?
By the way, this didn’t work for two other franchises. Why do you think this is a good idea? One of those franchise movies came out SIX MONTHS before this did!
Colin:
Annnnnnd she’s back because whatever, I guess. Does she remember the Space AIDS? Or maybe it’s only Space HIV. SHIV.
Tuesday.
Colin:
Why is there no homeless guy dumping in the corner? Or one of the bolder ones who’s ventured out of the corners.
Reaction bricks are the key to comedy.
“Where the hell were you?”
“Tell me you didn’t call the police.”
No, they just randomly showed up because they wanted to beat the shit out of some kids. Did you really just ask that?
Also, do the cops not care that the person they’re looking for just ran outside?
Colin:
Yeah, that’s crack police work, guys. Marvel extras are really more part of the set than anything else.
They’re arguing. It’s raining. They’re not getting wet.
Just pretend it’s all a bad dream.
“Jane, you were gone for five hours!”
“What?”
“That’s weird.”
You’re a scientist.
The fact that you didn’t realize this sooner is a major strike against you as a character.
Colin:
He’s here cause he couldn’t have come any other time. Did he really have to be partying that whole time instead of showing up to see her for the first time in however long? Did Heimdall tell him she was dating randos in London? And if Heimdall couldn’t see her, how did they know to point the bi-frost at this exact spot?
I like how, the rest of the time, he wants nothing to do with her. She’s just his Earth bitch, chilling where he left her, totally faithful. But then Heimdall can’t see her for five minutes, and all of a sudden he rushes there. I expect he’s about to run up to her and grab her, “Where were you? Were you fucking some guy?”
“Typical.”
“Jane.”
“Sorry, I just – needed to make sure you were real. It’s been a very strange day.”
Colin:
You don’t have to slap someone to make sure they’re real, you crazy bitch.
“I am.”
Is exactly what you’d say even if you were a hallucination. But sure.
“Where were you?!”
Colin:
Hey ladies – stop slapping us. It’s comical, but also unfounded. “Well, I had to slap you because you needed to know how serious this is to me.” Do that. Make excuses for domestic violence.
“Where were you? Heimdall cannot see you.”
Well that’s not coming off like a controlling boyfriend at all.
Colin:
Heimdall watches everyone have sex. That’s the real feat of his job. That he manages to keep his eyes on important stuff like bad guys.
And yet somehow, the thing that can destroy the universe? Hidden from him.
“I was right here where you left me.”
Aside from those five hours you can’t account for.
“I was waiting, and then I was crying, and then I went out looking for you – you said you were coming back.”
Went out for a pack of smokes six years ago.
Colin:
Fucking Iron Man 3 kid. He better not be back for anything.
Waiting and then crying? Really? And then looking for him. And then… apparently dating random dudes and… honestly how long has this been? This can’t be more than a year or two. There’s no way she can write to them. Treat it like prison. Have her leave her letters on a spot and Heimdall can beam them up.
The Bifrost was destroyed. There was chaos. They had to put down wars. (Oh, and the whole, my brother tried to take over your planet thing.)
“As excuses go, it’s not terrible.”
You’re a terrible person.
“But I saw you on TV. You were in New York!”
Did you not hear what he said? I mean sure, it makes no fucking sense whatsoever, but at least try to go with the bullshit logic.
“Jane, I fought to protect you from the dangers of my world, but I was wrong. I was a fool.”
You just changed the subject.
Colin:
Yeah, because he’s dealt with women before.
There you go. Here comes the moisture.
“But I believe that fate brought us together.”
And she hit you with her car.
“Jane, I don’t know where you were, or what happened, but I do know this –”
Wait, are you gonna forget about the whole “she disappeared” thing? That seems dumb.
Colin:
Maybe ask what just happened. Actually, he did ask her. I’m stroking out here. She just skipped over his massively important question about holes in time-space and slapped him. Twice.
“What?”
“I know.”
“You do?”
“Do what?”
“What?”
Colin:
This exchange is the metaphor for the whole movie. “What?” “Do what?” “Huh?” “Fuck it. Abs.”
“Hey – is this you?”
Why’d you wait this long to come over?
“Uhh, we’re kinda in the middle of something.”
“Uhh, I’m pretty sure we’re getting arrested.”
Are you? Because none of the police are looking your way. You can just walk away right now and be fine.
“Hold that thought.”
“Look at you. So muscly and everything. How’s space?”
Same question he asked Heimdall.
“Space is fine.”
Colin:
Is it? See, you say that, but I’m not super sure.
Compared to what I’ve seen on Earth in the Thor movies — I’ll take space. Even Space Mongolia. And even if it is in chaos.
“Are you Jane Foster?”
“Yes.”
You know, the one who was reported missing.
“You know this man?”
“He’s my intern.”
“My intern’s intern.”
“This is private property. And you’re trespassing. The lot of you.”
Two things — so you’re just gonna forget about the missing persons thing now that she’s here? And now it’s trespassing all of a sudden? And two — not even gonna comment on the intern’s intern part?
“You’ll have to come with me.”
Colin:
This just turned into a period piece.
Natalie Portman just killed police.
Colin:
Natalie Portman SHIVs a Constable.
HOW IS SHE GONNA GIVE HIM THE BLUE SHIT DOES THAT MEAN ITS GONNA BE PURPLE SHIT NOW
Colin:
He does want that purple stuff.
I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!
“Place your hands on your heads, step back.”
“This woman is unwell.”
“She’s dangerous.”
“So am I.”
“Hold onto me.”
“Holy shit.”
You’ve seen this before.
So I guess you can breathe in that.
How can you touch her?
I like abstract colors.
“We have to do that again.”
You should have space fucked.
“Hi.”
Colin:
How much funnier would it be if she saw Idris Elba and went, “BLACK GUY!” and was scared for a second?
“Welcome to Asgard.”
See that? You complain that he’s gone for so long, and now he’s brought you to meet his parents.
Colin:
Why hasn’t he done this before? It’d take him like 5 minutes to go down and get her and then bring her back to chill. She could join them for merrymaking or whatever. Bitches love joining you for merrymaking, as long as it doesn’t go too long.
They make it seem like his entire life for the last two months has been a string of fighting and partying. Which I’m okay with. If it was that. I’m sure they had weekends off somewhere. Or you could bring her to the party.
Oh yeah… that place.
Colin:
Svartalfheim? The shit kind of name is that? And can we please spend more than 10 seconds in a single realm before skipping around? This franchise has ADHD like nobody’s business.
“Look upon my legacy. I can barely remember a time before the light.”
Yeah, look at all those trillion people not here.
Brokeback Elvish.
He says he’s gonna fuck them up. The usual villain bullshit. We do not care.
Oh, and he’s gonna destroy the universe. Which is the goal of two villains in the Marvel Universe so far.
Colin:
You killed your own people without a moment’s hesitation and now that’s on Asgard? Also, once you end the universe, doesn’t that also have the effect of killing your people? Are we just throwing together random motivations and space villain tropes at this point?
So that shit is just there.
Colin:
By the way, this is Norway, just with a really heavy Instagram filter.
I put up a picture of Tonsberg on Instagram, but they blocked my account.
Okay. I guess this is a healing room. Or Space MRI.
Colin:
Why does that now look like her? Is that just a scan of her, or is it something they can manipulate? If you fed Natalie some orgasm cake, would it show up on the hologram?
It’s a live feed. Because we all know how great that is.
“This is not of Earth. What is it?”
“We do not know.”
Great answer.
“But she will not survive the amount of energy surging within her.”
Colin:
She’s going to die? But isn’t this the healing room we’ve heard so much about?
HA HA. “She’s gonna die.” And then she peaces.
“That’s a Quantum Field Generator, isn’t it?”
“It’s a Soul Forge.”
“Does a Soul Forge transfer molecular energy from one place to another?”
Can you be any more shitty?
“Yes.”
Colin:
Coincidentally also the answer to Mike’s question.
“Quantum Field Generator.”
Yes, we get it. You’re smart.
Colin:
Don’t tell them they’re wrong. They’re the ones with the technology that you don’t have. Just because they have a different Space English name for it doesn’t mean that they’re wrong. I like Soul Forge better.
Also, how are you ignoring the giant AIDS patch they found inside you?
Colin:
“My bitch can read.”
“My words are mere noises to you that you ignore them completely?”
“She is ill.”
“She is mortal. Illness is their defining trait.”
“I brought her here because we can help her.”
“She does not belong here in Asgard anymore than a goat belongs at a banquet table.”
Colin:
Anthony Hopkins called your bitch a goat.
“Did he just – who do you think you are?”
Colin:
And there she goes, acting the goat.
“I am Odin, king of Asgard. Protector of the nine realms.”
Colin:
That’s Anthony Hopkins. You need to check your tone, girl.
“Oh. Well I’m –”
“I know very well who you are. Jane Foster.”
“You told your dad about me?”
You’re a terrible person.
“Something is within her, Father. Something I have not seen—”
Colin:
There is something within her? I presume that Asgard also has coat hangers.
“Her world has its healers, they’re called doctors. Let them deal with it. Guards, take her back to Midgard.”
Colin:
So in The Avengers, he understands all this random stuff and Loki knows what a magazine is, but they have clever dialogue making fun of how we call our healers ‘doctors?’ This is what happens when the three people who wrote the first movie don’t write the group movie or the sequel. Three scripts, seven writers, and nobody worked on more than one thing.
I don’t even think it’s clever. “They’re called doctors.” Why did you need that? They have their own healers. Done. We can infer what he means.
Colin:
She repels bad people. Does she repel roaches, is my question.
“Jane are you all right?”
Why can you touch her?
Colin:
That’s gross. She’s gross.
Space Extremis.
“It’s impossible.”
What kind of heroin is that?
“The infection, it’s defending her.”
“No. It’s defending itself.”
I’m not really sure how this thing works. It was doing just fine outside of her, but then it randomly went inside her, and is now “defending itself”? They just throw shit out there, give you less than the bare minimum of explanation and expect you to go with it.
“Come with me.”
“There are relics that predate the universe itself.”
(Infinity Stones. Just for the people who are a step head of this movie. They’ll hit you over the head with them after this. Best to get used to it now.)
“What lies within her appears to be one of them.”
Colin:
Is this just the liquid version of a stone?
What’s the gas version of one of those things look like?
Oh good. We have Space fairy tales.
If this movie opened with a book opening like Disney, I’d be more okay with the stupid voiceover.
The Nine Realms aren’t eternal. And apparently there were the Dark Elves.
Colin:
I never get this. If the bad guys were ruling unopposed in a universe of darkness, how did anyone rise against them? There weren’t realms, so who was there to even rise up? And who beats them?
Elves Wide Shut.
Colin:
What would this genre be without Tolkien? It wouldn’t, is the answer.
The other relics are stones. This one is fluid. Because it needs to be.
It uses life force to create darkness.
Colin:
It seeks power from hosts? How is she strong enough to still be alive at this point? She’s a pretty pathetic life form.
Malekith wanted to use it to make more darkness.
Colin:
Is he gonna have to kill her to save the universe? Please let that happen.
Wow, good thing we had that prologue. So glad we got to hear that shit again.
Colin:
This is what Marvel’s gotten to with at least the last few movies. They tell you everything, then show all the characters figuring it out. I don’t know if it’s to make audiences feel smart, or out of fear that they might complain about being left in the dark about stuff.
But it’s cool. His father fucked shit up and raped a few people.
Colin:
A peace that’s lasted thousands of years? So basically, a blink of an eye. You think your story impresses Neil De Grasse Tyson?
“What happened?”
“Bitch, did you just talk to me?”
I hate it when mortal bitches talk to me.
He killed them all.
Colin:
(Of course!)
Oh, and they thought it was destroyed, but here it is.
And Odin responds to that with, “The Dark Elves are dead.”
Which is not an answer in the slightest.
“Does your book mention how to get it out of me?”
Too easy.
Colin:
Can’t they perform a Space C-Section?
Can you erase a Space C-Section scar?
“No. It does not.”
(It probably does, but it involves her death. So he doesn’t want to say it in front of his son. People get weirdly empathetic for no reason in bad movies.)
Colin:
They love doing the George Lucas thing of cutting to random planets for a minute.
Nosferatu!
Colin:
I’m gonna call it coincidental and generous at that.
These scenes serve no purpose. Villain scenes always suck.
Colin:
Except in Bond. Bond has the best villain scenes.
And he just stabbed him.
This is how Rain Man ended, right?
“You will become darkness.”
Colin:
He’s already kinda darkness, though.
Was that chilling inside him like Plavalaguna? I’m confused as to what’s happening right now.
I also don’t give a flying fuck about anything going on right now.
What if that were Anakin and Obi-Wan?
Colin:
I would be interested?
So he got himself captured just like that? Did Heimdall not see any of this?
Colin:
Yeah, you’d wonder why they didn’t tell Heimdall to look around for the “dead” elf dudes just in case.
Whoo, look at that lighting. Riveting.
This looks exactly like Area 51 from Independence Day.
Cool way to have a prison set up, though.
Colin:
He’s still wearing velvet. That’s cool. Guys can totally wear velvet.
“Odin continues to bring me new friends.”
He said, to no one in particular.
“How thoughtful.”
I thought he was never gonna see her again.
She got him books.
“Is that how I’m supposed to wile away eternity? Reading?”
Colin:
Loki’s cell is WAY better than my apartment. Even though this is Space Guantanamo.
“I’ve done everything in my power to make you comfortable, Loki.”
Well not everything…
Colin:
A bird? What if Loki became the Birdman of Alcatrasgard?
Very pleased with myself for that.
“Does Odin share your concern? Does Thor? It must be so inconvenient, them asking after me, day and night.”
“You know full well it was your actions that brought you here.”
Colin:
They’re still not really talking about the purpose of Loki’s plan from The Avengers. No discussion of his boss, and no discussion of why he might be even remotely justified in what he did.
“I was merely giving truth to the lie I’ve been fed my entire life, that I was born to be a king.”
“A true king admits his faults. What of the lives you took on Earth?”
Not Midgard? Be consistent.
“A mere handful compared to the lives that Odin has taken himself.”
“Your father –”
“HE’S NOT MY FATHER!”
Colin:
People who yell are childish.
“But am I not your mother?”
Same thing. No.
“You’re not.”
She isn’t.
“Always so perceptive about everyone but yourself.”
Colin:
Wait wait wait, so she IS his mother? Does that mean she had a thing with Laufey? She fucked the Jotun? Just the frosted tip? And so she’s also evil, or something? Is she bad?
SPACE WIFE SWAP!
Is he talking to himself? Is that what that was?
Colin:
Was it? Wait, what? No, I thought she was his mom cause she has the powers. Maybe she taught him the powers. They never say if these are learned powers or inherited powers. But it would seem that Loki is actually adopted. So I assume she taught him and that’s why he’s close to her.
Is this Naboo?
“When you came for me, you knew I was in trouble?”
This is Naboo, isn’t it?
Is there gonna be sand?
Colin:
Take a quick look at this and tell me this isn’t Naboo all over. Her and some space dude walking around a space lake with beautiful space European architecture. In the wide shots, this could be another Star Wars movie and you’d believe it.
(I love it when we do this. I really do. Nothing is better than us having the exact same reaction independently and months apart of one another.)
They brush over the whole, “I couldn’t see where you were” thing and get right into the Convergence.
“During this time, the borders between worlds become blurred.”
Apparently she found one of those points. Even though, isn’t that convergence thing happening later?
Once they pass out of alignment – nada.
That took 37 minutes.
“I like the way you explain things.”
Colin:
She likes abs. Let’s not make this any more complicated than it needs to be.
“I like your tits.”
“What’s gonna happen to me?
Butt stuff.
“I’ll find a way to save you, Jane.”
That’s comforting.
“Your father says-”
“My father doesn’t know everything.”
“Don’t let him hear you say that.”
She has more screen time. She’s dead.
Colin:
She’s had more lines in the past minute than she did in the entire first movie.
Yup. Now you met the mother too.
Colin:
Do you not curtsy or something? I feel like women have lost the sense of when it’s appropriate to curtsy. Like when I finish my drink.
How does he jerk off?
Colin:
One leg at a time, just like the rest of us.
Well of course, that’s how everyone does it. But the window is like, wide open. That’s Miggs territory. (Curious that Anthony Hopkins is also in this movie.) He must have to use the illusion to mask that. That would be fucked up, for the illusion to wear off and see Loki furiously masturbating inside his cell.
You look like you got lost in a tribal African mask exhibit.
Did you always look like that? Because you actually looked less ridiculous in the dark.
“Watch me stick this in my butt.”
“Oh yeah… that’s the stuff.”
“OH GOD THERE WAS STILL HOT SAUCE ON MY FINGERS”
Can’t he teleport out of that cell?
Colin:
Would they not have stripped him naked or found that thing before bringing him in?
He just spit fire.
You shall not pass.
Colin:
Looks like we got a code red in space Guantanamo. What if Odin was Jack Nicholson? That would be amazing.
Colin:
Wait, so is this the black guy from before? I really don’t understand what the shit is going on. How did they catch him and is he supposed to be disguised? Is this the form he took when they shoved the weird rock in the wound? Can anyone use those weird power rocks? Do the rocks get used up? Are there space rock junkies? Do the space police plant space rocks on space black people? I have so many questions.
My major question is singular: why did we need this?
These guards are useless.
Seems like a pointless forcefield if you can break it by throwing a guy through it.
This is a bad prison to be the nonviolent person in.
You know those scenes where people are in lockup and they’re like, “You gotta get me out of here. Everyone is so mean”? Well here, you can actually be in trouble. They don’t like you, they just throw you through the forcefield.
Only now do you do something?
Maybe don’t just stand there.
Maybe call the guy with the hammer.
Kinda weird how everything in the universe can be solved by him just putting his hammer on the person and walking away. And how that doesn’t happen like, all the time.
It’s also good he doesn’t sexually assault women. That could be really bad.
No backup plan? Not another forcefield that shows up in front if the first one is broken?
You guys deserve to be dead.
Colin:
I’m having difficulty describing my boredom in this moment.
So you got yourself caught with all your boys, and then you all got put in the same cell?
Colin:
What if he was just standing there, masturbating furiously?
Honestly, give me Playstation and internet, and I’m cool with this cell. Throw me in space prison any day.
You guys should both start masturbating furiously.
Does he know who he is? What is this moment?
Colin:
Nah, you can stay here, brah. We leave white people locked up for now. Can’t be trusted.
“You might want to take the stairs to the left.”
Colin:
Was that a tip so he can get revenge even though they’re not letting him out? Is that so they’ll trust him and let him out later?
Where do the stairs to the right go? Why are there only two sets of stairs out of this place?
“The prisons.”
“Loki.”
“Go.”
Top notch writing.
Colin:
“Ah yes, the prison horn. Something must be wrong.” The fuck? If you know the sound of the prison horn off the top of your head, you’re entirely too woke.
Colin:
Game of Thrones. Goddamn Game of Thrones.
People actually live here.
They really did get the memo from the first one.
And apparently nothing else.
Colin:
I mean, they sort of live here. Not really. We’ve seen a bunch of soldiers and maybe one or two peasants who were currently on furlough from their cheering duties.
They’re the designated newspeople. Someone’s gotta tell the peasants about the ruler comas. So they bring in like four of them, and sent them out to spread the word. And in return they get to feel less like peasants for a few minutes.
Really?
Pointless action.
And pointless dialogue over it.
Colin:
Loki’s just reading. These dicks. He wants a bird.
Why is he not masturbating furiously?
“Return to your cells and no further harm will come to you. You have my word.”
Why do they not listen to him? The minute he shows up, your escape is over.
PUNCH!
“Very well, you do not have my word.”
Colin:
Stop making jokes while fighting. It makes me think you’re not fighting as hard as you could be. If you make a single sarcastic remark, any dead friends are on you.
Colin:
Does Thor not fight the big guy? I really have no idea who any of these characters are or why we care. Like, seriously…we’re 40 minutes into this movie and I don’t even remember the names of the bad guys or understand what they’re trying to do. You have a VOICEOVER to do that for me, and I still don’t know what the shit is happening.
I like this guy in the background.
Masturbating furiously.
Odin gives orders.
Rene Russo isn’t taking him seriously.
Then they show up and he’s like, “All right, those are enough orders.”
Aww shit. Space bitch eyein’ up Earth bitch.
I can’t tell if this is efficient or awful storytelling, them showing she has feeling for Thor purely on visuals and never elaborating on it. Because you realize I’m more interested in this than anything else in this entire franchise, right?
Pointless dialogue. Sets up for Rene Russo dying.
Colin:
It’s weird to me when a woman spells it “Rene.”
Just take a guy’s knife. I’m sure he won’t need that.
“Listen to me. I need you to do everything I ask, no questions.”
Colin:
What’s Frigga going to do? Why do I feel like she’s evil? Is that wishful thinking?
“Yes, ma’am.”
What? Why would you agree to that?
Where’d you get the giant metal to build that? How many peasants died in the making of that?
“Did I leave my door unlocked?”
“SHIIIIIITTT!!!!”
CGI transition!
Tally ho!
Colin:
“Too much shit in this franchise is invisible,” I thought, before realizing that I had it backwards.
Colin:
Idris Elba is the shit right now. He can’t run for shit, but that was still badass. Invisible shit is useless. Which, is he born with this super vision, or are there ways of learning it? If not, are people born into this position?
So cloaking devices just stop working when they get stabbed?
Colin:
Wait, was that the special sword? Can any sword open the bi-frost?
For the record, I stop working when I get stabbed.
I stop working when I think about tacos.
Or pretty much anything.
There’s another one of those.
“Shit.”
Is exactly what that face is.
Is that an actual rock vagina?
What kind of weapon does he have that the ship goes down from a few sword thrusts?
I was gonna make a For Your Eyes Only joke here, but — Heimdall.
Colin:
How did that not destroy the bridge and the bi-frost?
This is that moment all of your badassness amounts to nothing.
Which makes it completely useless. Since why was only one ship going forward? I’m… not even gonna bother. Just get it over with.
Colin:
That’s a much larger ship. There’s always a bigger ship. Stupid Phantom Menace.
Colin:
Isn’t the bi-frost their best weapon and their most important infrastructure? You’d think they’d show up and immediately destroy that.
Why are you showing these guys? That’s the equivalent of cutting to the Stormtroopers driving the AT-ATs. Yeah, it’s something to cut to, but why do we give a fuck about them? Sometimes filmmaking is weird.
Really do not care.
Does anybody care about any of this?
Colin:
I’m getting another beer. I’ll be back.
Colin:
This reminded me of that moment in Return of the King when the orcs are launching huge pieces of building at Minas Tirith and there’s a low-angle shot of a tower as someone yells, “Look out!” and it goes all Scanners.
No, you jerks, it didn’t remind me of 9/11. The Avengers did that already.
Why would it remind you of 9/11? Was there a slushee machine? Oh, wait, that’s… you meant…
Colin:
They literally stole that weapon from a Cold War-era Soviet helicopter. I’d rather be watching that sort of thing. Cold War, helicopter gunships and stuff. It’d probably have to be Afghanistan in the early 80s, but whatever.
Colin:
Maybe make it a slightly better battle? Why do bad guys always have to be super competent? Can’t we have some Battle of Britain stuff way up in the sky? I’m actually less interested in dogfights when they happen so low to the ground.
Doesn’t it suck now that dogfighting scenes in movies can’t even be entertaining because you know they’re not actually doing it?
Did you fly lower just so you could hit that?
Colin:
This is extremely Star Wars/Star Trek. Those guys just got their first job shooting at something EVER. But yeah, I’d say that Alan Taylor’s experience directing episodes of Sex in the City is really paying off.
Only people getting fucked now are the audience.
Colin:
Flying Viking ships, although that looks weirdly like the Skyship Weatherlight, which makes me question the connections between this movie and Magic: The Gathering once again. It’s weird that I still remember that stuff from high school that well.
Colin:
Anyone else notice that these are almost the same sound effects as Star Wars speeders like the ones in the chase on Coruscant in Attack of the Clones? This high-pitched mechanical pulsing noise. Also similar to a lot of the pod racers. Oh man, I wanna play Podracer for N64 right now. What a great game.
Colin:
He must have had other swords kicking around. Good to have swords kicking around for when you need one.
It has that mode?
Colin:
Everyone has a Protego Maxima. This has happened now in how many franchises? Phantom Menace, Deathly Hallows, now this…and I know I’m missing something.
Phantom Menace had it. Guardians will for sure have it.
Great job. Great flying. You’re a real hero of your people.
Colin:
This is way too much like Star Wars for my liking. Like, the Star Wars Starfighter game, yet another one of the games that came out with the prequels that I loved. Man. Those movies were bad, but the games and the music were great.
I want all my hallways to have bodies laying there to step over.
Wait, how did he get all the way over there? He went from the prisons, all the way to the bridge, and then will get all the way back to the palace in a minute? What the fuck? Did they think no one would catch that?
Seriously, what’s happening? Is this where the stairs to the left led?
Still don’t care about any of this.
Yes, just stand there.
Colin:
Were these ships designed to destroy colonnades and porticos? Because its shape is really conducive to portico/colonnade destruction. Not super high up on the list of aerospace design concerns, but you know.
Colin:
Oh no, Space Minas Tirith is burning.
They just crash landed a ship inside your palace. Did you think it’s not set to blow?
Also, did that ship not get affected by hitting all that stuff? Because one sword took another one down.
Also, that was a lot of stuff that fell. How is the roof still standing?
Colin:
Science? That’s a good question, really. These are all good, valid questions.
You guys have more guards than this. Maybe mobilize them.
Oh, they’re coming out fighting. Nice.
GRENADE!
So that’s a thing.
Colin:
Was that a black hole grenade? Why not lead with that? Wouldn’t you lead with that? I have so many questions about how that works and where those dudes just went.
How’d you guys beat them last time? Do that.
Colin:
Are these the guards who never go out and fight? It feels like feudal Japan, where everyone just practiced martial arts and tea ceremonies every day but whenever there was a real fight they had issues cause the country was at peace for like 250 years.
Colin:
Why are there no scenes of him braiding his hair? Or does the black guy do it?
They crash landed a ship with the most important guy of all on there. That was ballsy.
Colin:
Was that just to be shitty? I didn’t even realize that was the throne. I’m just glad they didn’t try to make it some Game of Thrones Iron Throne or something. Still, that feels weird. “I’ve been asleep for thousands of years, but then my AIDS radar went off, so now I’ve busted into your palace to grenade your throne.” That logic follows.
That other guy put a dead guy through the forcefield. Maybe try to push the chair through it or something.
Oh, good. He has that thing.
Might have been useful about five minutes ago.
Colin:
Is that the king’s weapon? Cause Bor was using that earlier, and now it’s Odin’s thing. Is Thor going to stop using Mjolnir and take up the staff eventually? Everyone has a goddamn staff.
See? Now everyone’s dead.
“Frigga.”
Colin:
We had no idea this was coming!
He should have said, “Let’s go find two more.”
Colin:
So this time, the space-rape truly cometh. They’re really not super sensitive about this imagery, are they? Did anyone at Marvel think to maybe make their stuff slightly less….rape?
“Stand down, creature. And you may still survive this.”
I support shit talking your enemies.
“I have survived worse, woman.”
I’m confused. What have you survived? And what exactly is she saying will happen that is not as bad as what you’ve already survived?
“Who are you?”
“I am Malekith, and I will have what is mine.”
Colin:
Remind me to say that about EVERYTHING.
Out of context, this is a very nice shot.
Colin:
The action doesn’t translate well to shots, but with this crappy digital, it doesn’t look great while playing, either.
She can fight.
Colin:
Oh jam, lady, who told you you was a badass?
She can not.
Colin:
Was she hiding this during the first movie when they pimpsmacked her, or did she pick it up? Cause someone has some ‘splaining to do.
Colin:
Seriously, guys, slightly less rape-y next time. Turns out that some of your viewers aren’t huge on rape.
“You have taken something, child. Give it back.”
Not opposed to the hologram part. My only question is – how did she see him walk toward her and know to move back? Technically he was walking away from where she was. How was she able to see from the point of view of the hologram?
Colin:
I think it’s all Frigga messing with him. It’s not Natalie.
“Witch!”
Colin:
She has those witch powers, which makes me think she definitely is Loki’s mom. Which means she could have been doin’ the dirt with the Jotun. Can’t really blame Laufey, either. Ever tried to have sex with a Jotun? You know how cold a Jotunhymen is?
“Where is the Aether?”
“I’ll never tell you.”
Colin:
I thought his deal was that he could sense it. Because later on in the movie, that’s exactly how this works.
“I believe you.”
Colin:
Oh, ouch. Okay, now I feel bad cause she got murdered. Not like, super bad. But semi bad.
Colin:
He’s supposed to have a chance to scream “Rachel! RACHEL!” first.
That was a conveniently placed ship.
How did it catch them safely, by the way?
Colin:
The Plot abides.
Why was the cloaking device necessary? The hammer will still fuck that up. Are we cutting away to ignore the giant logic flaw?
Colin:
I don’t think the hammer got there in time.
It went into a wormhole, I think, was the thing. And I thought it just went invisible and was just chilling in Asgardian airspace.
(By the way, Asgardian Airspace is the name of my favorite soft rock band.)
Colin:
I was going to try to feel the tragedy, but mostly, I’m just impressed at his hammer throwing and how it came back like, “Meh, I gave it my best try.”
I also like how this guy came here for the Aether and now is just gonna peace after like four seconds of being thwarted.
Where IS Natalie, anyway? Seriously, where did you put her?
Colin:
Why wouldn’t you linger on the shot from up in the corner of the ceiling looking down at that angle?! What a better shot that was than everything else they’re giving us and it only lasted 2 seconds!
Don’t you miss the canting?
Do they make sagging titty chest plates for when they get older?
It’s all your fault, Natalie.
ALSO WERE YOU REALLY JUST CHILLING AROUND THE CORNER THAT WHOLE TIME?!!
Colin:
This could have been an image if it’d lasted for more than three tenths of a second.
Not even a good image. Just an image.
He’s gonna have to have so much sex with the wenches to get over this.
END PART II.
– – – – – – – – – –
Tomorrow is Part III, and uhh.. honestly I don’t even remember. Is there a musical number? I hope there’s a musical number.
(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)
B+ Movie Blog 
I like the image of Loki just sitting there reading a book.
June 9, 2015 at 3:15 pm