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Archive for December, 2017

Mike’s Top Ten Films of 2017

This is it, folks, the moment nobody has been waiting for. Here I am to do what absolutely nobody else on the entire internet has ever thought to do — tell you my ten favorite films of the year.

Every time I begin one of these lists I feel compelled to mention how strong or weak the year felt as a whole. This one felt pretty weak from the start. A month ago, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to finish a top ten list. I barely had ten films I felt comfortable labeling as my ten favorite. As it stands, I barely got to that finish line. But I probably say that every year.

What has happened in the previous few years is that, in trying to work my way into a list that works for the future, rather than how I feel this year, I overthink it and put on stuff that ends up coming off within a year. So this year, instead of trying to do that, I just listed the ten films I liked best. If all works out, they’ll continue being my ten favorites of the year. If not, oh well. (more…)

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Pic of the Day: “I don’t know much about women. I’ve been married for 28 years, you know.”


The Unforgivable Films of 2017

I think you guys know what this is by now. The tens of you who read this look forward to this day, don’t you?

On December 31st every year, I post my Top Ten list. On December 30th, however, it’s something else entirely. If the Top Ten list is the Oscars of this site, the Unforgivables list is the Razzies. Or the Indie Spirit Awards. Rather than wearing tuxes and being all formal, we’re all getting shit-faced in a tent somewhere, ranting about how our childhoods were ruined and how Adam Sandler is a piece of shit now.

I always like to begin with two notes. First, this list began in 2010, when I saw the movie The Switch (Bateman, Aniston, jizz cup) and was so angry at what I was watching that I stopped the movie to write up an angry rant about it, which was so well-received that it became tradition. This is the 8th Annual Unforgivables List. Previous ‘winners’ (on top of The Switch, of course) include: Batman v. Superman (2016), Vacation (2015), Heaven Is For Real (2014), Identity Thief (2013), Big Miracle (2012) and Just Go With It (2011).

And second, for what you’re all sure are the stringent criteria for inclusion on this list — one thing. Just one thing. The movie has to make me angry while I watch it. That’s it. I could enjoy the movie. But if it pisses me off, it’s a contender. Last year, Suicide Squad made the list. I was fine with it. I even enjoyed small parts of it. But it made me angry on a bunch of different levels (not to mention it being post-Batman v. Superman, which made me so angry I began writing up its Unforgivable entry in April. Which you can check out here, because it may be some of my best work), so it made it on.

Oh, the other ‘rules’, I guess you can call them: 1) no sequels, and 2) no films we all knew would be shitty to begin with. So as much as you all wanna assume Monster Trucks was gonna make it on (and yes, that was this year. I know it was a while ago), that’s not what this is about. (more…)


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Pic of the Day: “I will not fall into despair! I will keep myself hardy until freedom is opportune!”


2017: The Year in Reviews (The Wrap-Up)

We’ve got all the reviews, now let’s get to my favorite part — throwing it all together and seeing what it all means.

This is where I get to mess with percentages and see how right I was. I get to satisfy my weird fascination with numbers and my ever-present narcissism. Who doesn’t like that?

Here’s all the articles, for easy reference:

2017 Film Release Calendar

2017: The Year in Reviews

January

January

February

February

March

March

April

April

May

May

June

June

July

July

August

August

September

September

October

October

November

November

December

December

Films Without Release Dates (A-L)

Films Without Release Dates (M-Z)

2016 Holdovers

Unreleased Films

(more…)


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Pic of the Day: ♫ “Lots of chocolate for me to eat! / Lots of coal makin’ lots of heat / Warm face, warm hands, warm feet / Oh, wouldn’t it be loverly?”♫


2017: The Year in Reviews (The Films That Didn’t Get Released)

We’ve gone over everything that came out (almost all of which I saw, in case I hadn’t mentioned). Now we’re gonna go over what didn’t.

This list is populated predominantly with indies that weren’t given release dates, many of which will end up on VOD at some point over the next year, films I’ve been tracking for over a year that still haven’t come out, or movies that got pushed into the new year, probably because of quality issues. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, in some cases. Because it allows me to reevaluate. I can decide if I want to keep paying attention to it or drop it altogether.

These are all movies that either had dates and got moved, or are ones I talked about back in January that still haven’t come out. I’ll remind you what each film is about, tell you what the status of it is, and decide whether or not I want to continue paying attention to it for next year’s Film Release Calendar.

Here are the films of 2017 that didn’t get released: (more…)