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Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003), Part I — “You Know What Must Have Been Awesome? Not the 1740s”

Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we start The Curse of the Black Pearl.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the first part of The Curse of the Black Pearl:

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New franchise!

disney-logo

You may have heard of these guys.

Fun story – I originally saw this movie on vacation at a drive-in movie theater in Lake George. We found out they had a drive-in and decided to go, and this happened to be playing, so we saw it. And I wasn’t particularly interested in seeing it, but I watched it and went, “Holy shit, this is actually really good.”

And it just so happened that, three years later, we were on vacation in the exact same place and saw Dead Man’s Chest in the exact same drive-in.

I thought that was pretty cool.

I also remember the other movies that were playing there at the time. The way they did it was – first show, second shot. One at like, 8, and the other at 10:30. So Pirates was our first movie, and the second showing was either Terminator 3 or 2 Fast 2 Furious. And whichever one wasn’t on our screen was playing on the second screen. I forget what the other movies was on the bill.

But I thought it was funny that I just so happened to see two of the movies of this franchise at a drive-in, of all places.

And I saw the other two at midnight showings.

I want to go to a drive-in, though. Let’s go to a drive-in.

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Isn’t it weird that Scorsese opened Shutter Island exactly the same way seven years later?

Colin:

Ghost ships are freaky. I used to read stories about ships that got lost in the Bermuda Triangle or the Arctic Ocean or something, and there were always weird ass reports of people seeing ghost ships like 200 years later or whatever. Although, possibly the creepiest is when in like WWII or even during peacetime training exercises, entire squadrons would go missing and never be found anywhere. And then like 15 years later, there’s a random report of a ghost squadron of planes that had been decommissioned years ago. But I don’t believe in conspiracies or supernatural stuff. Like ghosts, or souls. (I love how that bothers people.)

I mean, for a completely different purpose, but still.

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 “Yo, ho, yo, ho/ A pirate’s life for me/ Drink up me hearties, yo, ho…” 

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“We kidnap and ravage and don’t give a hoot.”

Wait, what? A child is singing this?

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I also like the “Drink up me hearties, yo ho” refrain, since it’s almost something you shout at someone. “Drink up me hearties, you ho!”

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“Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.”

Colin:

“Yo, ho” also turned out to be a shitty pickup line if you’re not a rapper.

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There’s only one way to describe this shot, and it’s “Rape.”

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Goddamn, and that was even before the hand showed up.

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You don’t let a little girl on a boat like this with all this semen.

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Freeze frame, cut to black. Sarah McLachlan song plays.

Colin:

Oh NO.

I HATE Sarah McLachlan songs.

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“Cursed pirates sail these waters.”

Colin:

If you’re a creepy, grizzly older dude, you really shouldn’t grab young girls by the shoulder. In fact, most people should never grab young girls by the shoulder. I’m just getting to that age where surprising a pre-teen girl by touching her has gone from seriously frowned upon to potential felony.

I love the phrase “seriously frowned upon.” It always makes me think of that doctor in Black Dynamite.

Colin:

This guy would look so much cooler with the original Ambrose Burnside sideburns, with the mustache connecting the two sides. Hell, what am I saying? Almost any man in a period piece (and some women) would look cooler with that type of of facial hair.

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“You don’t wanna bring them down on us, do ya?”

Umm… that does it? Singing a song?

Colin:

You know what’s cool about this? Kevin McNally played one of the officers on the bridge of HMS Ranger, the submarine that got swallowed up by the Liparus at the beginning of The Spy Who Loved Me. It was even a speaking part.

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”Mr. Gibbs, that’ll do.”

Colin:

Those were the days. When rum flowed like water, horse theft was punishable by death, and manhandling a young girl in front of your boss got you a “That will do.”

Jesus, her father looks like Captain fucking Hook.

That’s Lieutenant Norrington, by the way.

“She was singing about pirates!”

What the fuck do you want her to sing about?

♫ “Sucking on my titties like you wanted me…” ♫

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“Bad luck to be singing about pirates mired in this unnatural fog. Mark my words.”

A ha. That’s funny. I like that they called it out. Like in an old 50s movie when they’re sitting in a fake car that’s clearly got rear projection behind it, and they go, “Look at all this traffic!”

Colin:

I enjoy it when British guys go overboard with the goofy mariner accent.

“Consider them marked.”

Colin:

Jack Davenport does douche REALLY well.

What a great tagline if he ever starts a feminine hygiene company.

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“Bad luck to be having a woman on board, too. Even a miniature one.”

Colin:

This is already making my day. Can you believe we’re doing this shit? Remember Twilight? Cause I sure don’t. I almost gave myself alcohol poisoning forgetting it all.

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Right there, he becomes a likable character. Foreboding statement, BOOZE.

Pretty much anything that ends in booze is all right by me.

Colin:

AND A SWIG FROM THE FLASK! Yes. This is why I have to like sailors and maritime culture no matter what. I was never into boats or sailing, but my older brothers both were, and my eldest brother went to Maine Maritime Academy for college to become a professional sailor. Other than all the drinking they did at school, it was a big part of the curriculum as well.

One of the projects he did was to plan a yacht charter and have the itinerary and manifest. And it was like, “Day 4, Breakfast: Mimosas. Food available if requested. Following breakfast, passengers will disembark to the island in the tender (provided with ice wine and sandwiches) while the crew puts into port to restock the champagne complement.” And that was a legit project for school. Learning to be a floating party planner.

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“I think it’d be rather exciting to fuck two men at the same time to meet a pirate.”

Colin:

Children who take that tone and begin sentences with, “I think…” — don’t.

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That’s how you respond to a child saying stupid things. “Ha ha ha – no.”

“Think again, Miss Swann.”

A HA HA I totally forgot that was her last name.

I’m so glad we get to redeem that last name right now.

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“Vile and dissolute creatures, the lot of them.”

Colin:

So this guy’s a pretty strict disciplinarian. Wants to lock up all the pirates. What do you wanna bet he’s shacked up with some dominatrix?

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“I intend to see to it that any man who flies under a pirate flag or wears a pirate brand gets what he deserves.”

Booty?

“A short drop and a sudden stop.”

Colin:

I like things that rhyme. More things that rhyme.

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A HA HA I totally forgot this was in the movie. That’s great.

Colin:

That’s a pose. Sometimes I make this face at kids on the train, just because I can.

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That’s her father. Jonathan Pryce. Yeah, boy.

Colin:

It’s strange to see Jonathon Pryce in this sort of costume. I’m still hearing the theme from Brazil and imagining him do racist kung-fu pantomime at Michelle Yeoh. That’s how I want to be remembered by someone someday.

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He’s concerned about the impact such a subject will have on his daughter.

“Actually, I find it all fascinating.”

“Yes, that’s what concerns me.”

Colin:

All the same, it’s pretty amazing to me that that she acts shocked at the idea of hanging. Isn’t this supposed to be like…the 18th century? And she’s coming from England? She must have seen people die by the bushel. Those were the days when you needed both hands to count the people you’d seen die or killed in the past WEEK. Nobody couldn’t see thestrals back in the day.

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She want that purple stuff.

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Yeah, this’ll end well.

Colin:

Parasols are dumb. Japanese women use parasols and regular umbrellas on bright days. Which..really?

Really?

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The shot of the parasol spinning around by the bow of the ship would make a good gif, though.

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Colin:

People floating on things: there was enough room for Leo on there, too.

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“Look, a boy! There’s a boy in the water!”

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Typical white woman pose.

“Look – something!” And then stand and watch and do nothing as everyone else goes and does it.

Fucking white women.

Colin:

Mike had to point this out. I just accept it as a matter of course.

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And there’s that.

Colin:

That’s a fire. That would make a considerable glow with the fog. I don’t see how they got this close without noticing it. Good thing it wasn’t an iceberg.

“Unnatural” fog, remember? Dramatic license to ignore logic.

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“Pirates.”

This is like Edward. (Sorry, still shaking it out of my system like bad booze.) “It’s the Volturi!”

“Everyone’s thinking it. I’m just saying it.”

Colin:

Is it gonna be Puerto Ricans? Racist.

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And Governor Swann is like, “There’s no proof of that, it was probably an accident.”

Sure it was.

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Paranormal Sea Activity.

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“Elizabeth, I want you to accompany the boy. This may set up a plot point later and you may end up fucking him one day.”

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“He’ll be in your charge.”

What? Why would you put an eight year old in charge of someone else? What kind of fucking governor are you?

“You – donkey. Watch that pier. Make sure no one gets on it.”

Colin:

So she’s too young to hear about punishing criminals, but she’s old and competent enough to be in charge of the care of this boy who’s on the verge of death? I think he has a movie illness. One of those nondescript conditions that has no symptoms other than passing out or whatever, and no specific remedy. So taking care of him is probably going to be putting him in bed with some dry clothes. It’s like how Mike pointed out — based on movies from the 30s and 40s, all you need to deliver a baby is some hot water and lots of blankets.

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I like how that’s all his job is – stand there with a knee up.

Colin:

I really like this image. Anything that’s burning in the dark like that…I always get Gone With the Wind vibes.

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Yes, passed out people often have their hand like that.

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Lotta “I want that purple stuff” looks in this one so far.

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Colin:

“Taking care” of someone who’s just been pulled out of the water unconscious usually doesn’t start with caressing their hair, you stupid child.

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OH SHIT IT’S ALIVE SHOOT HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE

Colin:

He almost just lost his fucking life. That’s some shit you try when you’re looking for a knife through your windpipe.

He looks like he’s been got by a body snatcher.

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Is it possible to evacuate your bowels inside a corset, or does that just break a couple of ribs?

“You’re okay. My name’s Elizabeth Swann.”

Why the fuck is that reassuring? What name value does that name have at all? Unless you’re Batman, it’s not going to matter.

Colin:

“It’s okay, I’m Elizabeth Swann.” What the fuck is THAT line? Maybe it’s the delivery. It’s like, “Oh, you thought you were in danger? It’s okay, cause I’m Elizabeth Swann.” He should have been like, “Bitch, AND what?”

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“Bitch, I might be.”

“Will Turner.”

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Try to dole out the exposition a little subtler next time. My asshole is bleeding.

Colin:

Sometimes I worry that people who happen upon this blog randomly are shocked by what gets said. And then I remember that people who read regularly may still be shocked at what gets said.

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“I’m watching over you, Will.”

I’d say something about that line (for example, how stupid it is), but she is, quite literally, watching over him right now.

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“Oh, good…”

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Pass out.

I often like to make sure people are watching over me before I pass out.

Aw, hell, who am I kidding, I usually just pass out next to a toilet and then I find out the next day people made sure I wasn’t dead.

But seriously, this is just like Leia. “Oh my god, I fell off a speeder, I have head injuries. Wait… let me just raise my head… oh yeah, the other guy died, I’m good… uhghgh.” And then they pass out.

Colin:

I’ve never had that. If I’m ever passing out, it’s for a good enough reason that I can’t take a second to be conscious.

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This is pretty illegal, even if you’re the governor’s daughter.

Just ask the Duke Lacrosse team.

Or the Duke any team.

Or any fraternity.

Or pretty much any group of bros where beer and collars are involved.

Colin:

But white women get away with this shit.

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Oh, she just was looking at that.

Looks pretty safe. These things generally aren’t supernatural in any way. I’m sure it’s fine.

Colin:

Maybe it’s a talisman. Remember Jackie Chan Adventures? I got the incantation ready in case some shit goes down. I hope El Toro Fuerte shows up.

Yu Mo Gui Gwai Fai Di Zao.

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“You’re a a pirate!”

WELL NO FUCKING SHIT.

Colin:

Jesus, you can just spring Buscemi on a motherfucker like that.

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“Has he said anything?”

Yeah, he gave us his name, address, his business here, and gave me a baller ass recipe for a cheese spread.

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Well that’s not suspicious at all.

Colin:

Children who spin around and put their hands behind their backs are retarded. Almost as retarded as the adults who see this and make nothing of it.

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“His name’s William Turner. That’s all I found out.”

The fact that you had to specify that’s all you found out is suspicious as hell. Pretty sure if you just said that, it’s more than they were expecting.

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“Take him below.”

What happened to, “He’ll be in your charge”?

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What is this, The Fellowship of the Ring? What’s with the camera movements?

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Is she gonna sing “Somewhere Out There?”

Or maybe more appropriately, “When You’re Alone”?

How’s THAT for a childhood callback?

Colin:

At that age, I only knew the bonus Greenday track off Dookie.

Same theme.

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Don’t worry, Elizabeth, someday you’ll get titties.

Colin:

Yeah… about that…

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What if she got hit by a car right now?

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How is she the only one who sees this, by the way?

Colin:

Those sails shouldn’t work very well.

And how come they’re leaving that ship alone?

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What is this, The Shining?

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Come sail with us, Elizabeth. Forever, and ever, and ever.

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Graphic match!

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Oh yeah, Elizabeth grew into Keira Knightley.

Colin:

So they cut to her opening her eyes as Keira. But when did she open her eyes as a kid? Was the ship gone?

But look at how trademark Keira that is. She always has her lips slightly parted, cause it’s sexiful.

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And they pumped up those titties too.

Colin:

I see you got rid of your freckles, too. Mm. After Kristen Stewart, Keira is…

Mm.

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I want a secret compartment to my drawers.

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The dust circle is a nice touch.

Colin:

It’s hidden, and it looks like it’s pretty dusty, so are we to assume it’s been hidden there for a really long time? Of course, these were the days when you bought furniture made to spec, and there’s no way she was the one making or buying it, so wouldn’t Jonathon Pryce know all about this hiding spot? I can’t believe she’d be the only one. Maybe she’s sworn the maids to secrecy.

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The fact that she has a flower makes this whole thing seem fake and out of place.

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Does this mean she can’t die?

I wonder how that played out in the ten years we didn’t see.

Colin:

I don’t think that’s the case, though. Cause she didn’t steal it from the chest. It’s only those who take it from the chest that can’t die. They were spending them like crazy back in the day, but we don’t hear about random tavern keepers sharing in the curse. So she shouldn’t be cursed during all this time.

So what if you trained animals to take the gold out of the chest? Is that not a perfect crime?

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Guess she’s never taken any moonlight strolls with gentlemen callers.

Colin:

You know what must have been awesome? Not the 1740s.

Yeah and she’s definitely not cursed cause they can’t even eat. 

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Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Destiny.

Or her father.

Wouldn’t that be funny to do to someone, though?

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Justice.”

And then you get them in a choke hold.

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Colin:

“Are you decent?” “Eh, I’m okay. Nothing to write home about.”

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Tally ho!

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Colin:

She responds the way you would if someone knocked on the door while you were getting oral. Not at ALL a complaint.

That made me think of Oral-B, and how that name is basically the hepatitis of hygiene brands.

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I like how getting dressed involves giving us a nice cleavage shot.

Colin:

TI-TTAYS

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Right, like there’s any place to hide in there.

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I also like how he knocks on the door and waits to come in.

He’s not a real parent.

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I was gonna make a joke about how this is how we all are when sunlight hits us, but goddamn, she looks GOOD.

Good as hell.

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Hey… hey guys…

It’s not that obvious…. But… guess what that is.

Colin:

Hey, window. CGI much?

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AND NOW WE GET TO SEE IT FOR REAL! FUCK YEAH, REAR PROJECTION!

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He got her a present.

Is it suffrage?

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What is it, a fucking clown car dress? When does it end?

“May I inquire as to the occasion?”

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This is the proper reaction. “I don’t know nothin’ bout nothin’.”

“Has a father a need of an occasion to dote upon his daughter?”

Well played.

Colin:

Did they have cardboard boxes back then? What’s this box made of?

Peasants.

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It worked.

Maid in the back hates this spoiled bitch.

Colin:

And look at that painting. It’s all, “Say WHAT?!”

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That could be J-Park out there and you’d barely know outside of the pirate ship.

Colin:

Pryce is amazing. Cause you can see him playing her dad, but also being himself. He gives her the dress and then says, “Go on,” in the chipper voice, telling her to try it on. But then he lingers on her for like a second too long and makes that face like, “Yeah. Put that shit on REAL slow. Dat’s right. Dat’s how Daddy like it.” Which is exactly what we’d all be doing in that situation. This is a welcome break of character.

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I like how he won’t enter the room while she’s sleeping but has no problem standing there while she gets naked.

But anyway, he hopes she’ll wear the dress to the ceremony.

He’s no longer Captain Norrington.

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Say what now?

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“Commodore Norrington.”

He took such glee in saying that.

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How long must it have taken to fuck in this thing?

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Colin:

That’s the sound of Keira Knightley getting oral from a homeless guy.

Is the most common thing I say when my phone rings.

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“Goddamn, bitch, what are you doing?”

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Now there’s a shot.

“I’m told its the latest fashion in London.”

Who wants the “latest” anything? Most of the new shit that comes out sucks. Then again, I live in a culture where “YOLO” exists, so, honestly… I’ll take the corset.

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“Well women in London must have learned not to breathe.”

Colin:

Wait, so he got this shit from London, which would be at least a month away at this point — so that’s a month for his ORDER to get there and a month for it to get back here, plus however long it took for them to make the dress. And he has it ready for the day of the promotion, which means this day is a long time coming. This is why previous centuries sucked. There’s a ceremony that he wants his daughter to look hot at, so he has to prep for that at least two months in advance.

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Don’t push in what’s left.

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Rack focus!

Look at this fuck.

Colin:

Who’s this butler schmuck?

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Colin:

I never got how their leggings (or whatever those are) clung to their legs so tightly. They’re like spandex or elastic or something. But there’s no way that’s true.

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Goddamnit, Orlando, this is why we can’t have nice things!

Colin:

Way to go, breaking the house. This place has the build quality of a Bluthe Companie Modele Estayte.

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There you go. Always stash shit.

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He brought the stuff.

“I have your order.”

Gimli:

And MY axe!

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A sword.

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I wish I had a guy who made swords for me.

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Look at all those fucking frills. How did men wear this shit?

Colin:

I love Pryce’s sigh here. That, “Look at this. Man, oh man, this is some next-level shit” sigh. The other time someone sighed exactly like that is at the beginning of The Last Crusade when Marcus unwraps the Cross of Coronado and sees it for the first time. Go back and watch that. It’s exactly the same gasp/sigh and it’s perfect.

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“If I may.”

AKA, “Whatchu know bout some swords?”

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Once again, exposition.

Colin:

The blade is folded steel? He says that like there’s another way to make a decent sword. Some katana have over a million layers and the highest quality ones use varying carbon levels of steel in a special configuration for strength and suppleness. You think you Hattori Hanzo or something? Shut the hell up.

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Apparently it’s perfectly balanced. I didn’t catch the rest because I now tune out when I hear Orlando Bloom deliver exposition.

Colin:

The tang is nearly the full width of the blade…which means the handle is heavy? I guess that’s why the sword is perfectly balanced, with the handle weighing as much as the blade itself.

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And then this happens.

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The guvnah passes along his compliments to “your master.”

Is he a slave or something? What’s that about?

DOES ORLANDO BLOOM WORK FOR WATTO???

IS THERE GONNA BE A DINGHY RACE?!!!

Colin:

Sebulba WAS a bit Caribbean.

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And then he flinches and is like, “A craftsman is always pleased to hear his work is appreciated.”

So based on what we know later, presumably he’s either upset that the drunk blacksmith is getting the credit, or happy that he’s getting the credit, since he’s the one who made the sword. I assume it’s the latter.

Colin:

Ah, so Orlando makes everything, but his deadbeat master takes all the credit.

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Keira.

This looks like a painting.

Colin:

Whoa, it really does. This looks good.

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“God DAMN, son. She filled out.”

Colin:

Keira showed up and Pryce did the gasp/sigh again.

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“I had a dream about you last night.”

Attention women – don’t start a conversation like this.

Colin:

This is always one of those things that you get excited to hear from a hot chick. And then she goes, “Yeah! You were in a lobster costume. Behind the counter at the McDonald’s we used to meet my dad at to pick up his child support checks. I wonder what that means! LOL BUHBYE!” And then you remember how much you hate that girl.

Jonathan Pryce is awkward as shit.

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She’s like, “It was the day we met. Do you remember?”

He should be like, “No, bitch, I was half dead and almost drowned. Loss of consciousness will do that to you.”

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But he’s like, “How could I forget, Miss Swann?”

She should make him recount it to her. Because I bet his side is way different from hers.

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“Will, how many times must I ask you to call me Elizabeth?”

This line annoys me. I’ve read way too many AWFUL scripts to recognize this line as a sign of awful writing.

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“At least once more, Miss Swann.”

He does kind of handle it like a G, though. Too bad manners are on top of the badassness of that retort.

“As always.”

Well that killed it.

Way to go, Orlando Bloom. You’ve already ruined yourself.

Colin:

Aw, that’s nice. She wants to be buddies, but he recognizes her as aristocracy and knows that he’s shit. Maybe if he had a slightly more convincing goatee.

And her father’s like, “See that? He has a sense of propriety.”

Colin:

That’s fantastic. Someone participates in their own socio-economic subjugation and that’s called “having a sense of propriety.” You’re a blacksmith’s apprentice. You can’t sleep in the big house.

Not unless you wanna burn the sheets.

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“Dear Mr. Turner…”

Colin:

“Errr! I’m ever so miffed that you declined my invitation to temporarily disregard societal norms in the presence of an authority figure!” #18thCenturyProblems

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“Good day…”

Jesus.

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“Elizabeth…”

Colin:

Man, does he sound gay.

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You know… it’s not great writing, but it’s effective blockbuster writing. That is to say, in terms of the story that no one gives a shit about, they do a decent job of setting it up. You need to have this story to make the Depp story work. The young person love story is the backbone to all of these movies. So even though they do the generic “How many times must I tell you to call me by my first name” thing, this is something that goes back to all the movies of this sort. So I can’t be too picky with it, since they are carrying on a noble tradition.

Plus it only takes up like 8 minutes here. It could have been 15.

Colin:

That’s the positive. This movie moves right along. Probably because there’s no dinghy race.

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I love how much this all looks like a backlot. It’s pretty funny how the first entry of this franchise is the one with all the personality, because you can tell they used real sets and locations and stuff, and the budget limitations actually help it, like Fellowship. Whereas later on, you’re like, “CG, CG… more CG…”

Colin:

Yeah, this looks nice. Plantation houses are pretty sweet, except for the memory that goes with them. Although this place looks more like a bank than a plantation house.

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Colin:

Weren’t those the days, though? They all just leave Orlando standing there alone in their house. Since he’s not quite a “person” and therefore doesn’t merit any concern. I was fascinated by that while watching The Great Gatsby — they’re eating dinner and discussing shit, and there are just like 10 servants standing right over their shoulders. It’s one thing to see that in a movie set on a plantation in the 1850s, or something. But the 1920s is recent enough that it was a bit weird.

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Oh yeah. Here we go.

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This is one of the greatest introductions to a character ever, right here.

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Jack Sparrow.

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Captain Jack Sparrow.

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And the tally ho!

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Colin:

I love these angles and this lighting on him. He’s in the crow’s nest. He’s a badass pirate. He’s…he’s…he’s in a tiny fucking pirate ship. The fact that they don’t acknowledge it with a change in the music or anything makes it all that much better. The epic music just keeps going, as if the movie is saying, “What? Oh, what, you thought it was gonna be bigger? Why?” It’s the same thing we get with Daffy Duck, who’s probably my favorite Looney Tunes character. He strikes a good pose, but it all falls to pieces when you zoom out.

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Colin:

Should probably be bailing a bit quicker.

What a beautiful introduction. Not even a word and we already know who this guy is.

Colin:

The shitty, second-rate pi-rate who’s actually a first-rate pi-rate.

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Colin:

Salute the dead. Sorry, pals. That is fucked up, though. They just left skeletons to hang there. Although, once there’s nothing but a skeleton left, what’s holding all those bones together?

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Colin:

That’s the same goat from Hobbiton. Little known fact.

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Colin:

AND A BUCKET

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Colin:

Again, with this angle. It looks great for a second and then pulls back to show you some funny shit. I like when they do a slow reveal like that, downplaying the comedic effect.

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And the score never winks at us, either. It stays epic throughout.

Colin:

This score is the SHIT.

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And he hits the ground running, which is also great.

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Oh jesus, he has a little black boy with him.

Colin:

Who’s this bean counter, and what’s he doing with this little black boy?

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“Hold up there, you.”

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‘It’s a shilling to tie up your boat at the dock.”

Colin:

A shilling. What’s that, like a credit? Or a rupee? I can’t keep these fictional currencies straight.

I think it’s from that Canastada place they made up in the last franchise.

“And I shall need to know your name.”

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Colin:

Well that boat’s no good.

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“What do you say to three shillings –”

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Colin:

This is the sort of shot where you expect to see a bunch of producers’ names or whatever.

I want to meet the producer whose name is Fancy.

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“And we forget the name?”

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Colin:

I’m against bribery unless someone pays me to be for it.

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This black kid is the Kingsley Shacklebolt of this franchise. “He’s got style.”

Whenever you want your character to seem like a badass, have a black person be impressed with them.

Colin:

This tiny black kid proves once again that reaction shots are the key to comedy.

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“Welcome to Port Royal, Mr. Smith.”

Colin:

And this asshole proves once again that old white men are the shiftiest motherfuckers around.

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And he just made money on the transaction.

Colin:

I love the jingle-jangle. It’s a purse. It’s got cash. You just take it, without jingling it to attract attention. There could be 1 coin in there, and you’re still taking it. But somehow, the jingle-jangle makes it.

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This place is great. This is a real old school fort. Just stone, generic courtyard, a gallows, probably a cell or two, a mess hall, and quarters.

Colin:

This is in Cali.

Are they renting?

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There’s something about places that remind you of the fragility of civilization that appeal to me. Westerns, colonial America, shit like this, the Middle Ages. I love this stuff.

Colin:

Fife and drum. Eeesh. Pretty dull stuff. Unless you’re using it for effect the way they did over the Sand Creek Massacre in Little Big Man. That shit haunted me.

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This old bitch don’t like her titties being on display.

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But you ain’t got no titties, Lieutenant Swann.

Colin:

I like her look down. “Yeah, my titties are NICE.”

Also, holy shit, look at that creepy fuck in the back.

He wants a shot at that old bitch.

(Also, that other guy looks like Adam Carolla in a wig.)

Colin:

Dumb hats are dumb.

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That’s why these films are the best. If any of this is CGI, it’s practical CGI, set against real elements. This is why CGI works.

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Goddamn, this looks nice.

Colin:

I’ve played too much Grand Theft Auto to not imagine jumping a motorcycle off that dock.

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Colin:

The Interceptor! That’s a real ship, too. It’s a tall ship out of DC.

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Oh, this shit is so great, visually.

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Stone walls. I love stone walls. They make compositions like this look good. You can throw color in front of them and that shit pops.

See?

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To the window!

Colin:

Ceremonies are good for absolutely nothing. This has got me thinking again about Mike’s wedding idea from Twilight. Tell people to show up and then have the wedding without them. Just make it a party. The only thing is that there are people out there who really need to be there for the CEREMONY. Mostly weepy women in their 50s and 60s. They’d be upset. If they had to choose between watching someone exchange vows and chilling with that person at their wedding after party, they’d choose the vows. Ugh.

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She looks like she has to fart.

Colin:

I remember watching the video commentary for this years ago, and Jack Davenport was chuckling about how he practiced that sword move for a solid 3 days to get it JUST right, and how they shot it several times, and everyone was all really impressed at how perfectly he did it. And then in editing, they only used a shot where he’s out of focus, and the camera’s on Keira being hot and…hot.

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Colin:

He walks like a fucking goofball. It’s awesome. I really hope Keith Richards appreciates all this.

I bet he would… if he could get any… satisfaction.

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“This dock is off limits to civilians.”

Colin:

Can you IMAGINE wearing those uniforms in the Caribbean? It’s gotta be like 90 degrees, and that’s gotta be wool. They’ve got the right idea, sitting there chilling.

I feel you.

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“I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t know. If I see one, I shall inform you immediately.”

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Facial expressions.

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Redcoats.

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“Apparently there’s some sort of high-toned and fancy to-do up at the fort, eh?”

Colin:

This happens in movies a lot. Especially Disney movies. There’s always a Tweedle-Dee and a Tweedle-Dum. This movie has TWO pairs.

I’m looking at the people in the boats in the background and wondering what they do all day.

And that got me to thinking about what it would be like to take a girl out in a boat and fuck her.

It must be uncomfortable. Fucking in a little boat like that. But it might be better than the beach, with all that… sand.

Then it made me think about how much you couldn’t fuck back in the day because of manners and shit.

You know what must have been awesome? Not the 1740s.

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“How could it be that two upstanding gentleman such as yourselves did not merit an invitation?”

Colin:

I love people walking around, clearly conning whomever they’re talking to.

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“Someone has to make sure this dock stays off-limits to civilians.”

Why the fuck would you rather be up there than here? Here you get to chill with your boy. Up there you gotta be all formal and shit. Can’t make any racist jokes in front of the admirals. They’re drinking sparkling fire water up there. Here, we got some beer chilling in lobster traps. I’d take that job any day.

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“Seems to me that a ship like that makes this one a bit superfluous, really.”

Colin:

By the way, this is how smart kids can learn interesting language. I don’t know how people don’t pick up more, but movies use plenty of tricky words and lingo specific to certain periods and places. This movie’s for kids, and they just got the word “superfluous.” And then Depp says the Black Pearl is “nigh uncatchable.” If you’re paying attention, you get what “nigh” means, and if you internalize that, there’s a word. Decent movies can teach you so much vocabulary and so many awesome phrases. But most people are probably watching Twilight, which only really makes me think of other four-letter words.

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And then he’s like, “That one is great, sure, but ain’t no ship gonna match this one for speed.”

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“I’ve heard of one, that’s supposed to be very fast, nigh uncatchable.”

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“The Black Pearl.”

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“There’s no real ship that can match the Interceptor.”

“The Black Pearl is a real ship.”

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“No it’s not.”

“Yes it is, I’ve seen it.”

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Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Colin:

Is it not hilarious that Christopher Walken was considered for this role and that it was offered to De Niro?

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Colin:

I do like that they reversed the usual role stereotype here. The larger, fatter one is also the more reasonable one. He seems smarter. Since pretty much forever, the pudgy one is almost always the stupider of the two stupid guys.

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“You’ve seen a ship with black sails, that’s crewed by the damned and captained by a man so evil that Hell itself spat him back out?”

All the time.

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Look at that face!

“No. But I have seen a ship with black sails.”

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Colin:

I want his retort of “OOH!” to be a gif. He makes a good face expressing a feeling of, “Well is that right, fuckstick?”

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Slunk!

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These two are pretty enjoyable.

Mostly what they’re saying is redundant. But they’re enjoyable.

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“Like I said, there’s no real – ”

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Colin:

Classic misdirection.

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“I’m sorry, it’s just – it’s such a pretty boat.”

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“Ship.”

Colin:

He calls it a boat and then acted like he dropped an n-bomb.

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“What’s your name?”

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“Smith. Or Smithy, if you like.”

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“What’s your purpose in Port Royal, Mr. Smith?”

“Yeah, and no lies.”

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“Well, then, I confess. It is my intention to commandeer one of these ships, pick up a crew in Tortuga, raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer my weasely black guts out.”

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“I said no lies!”

“I think he’s telling the truth.”

“If he were telling the truth, he wouldn’t have told us.”

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“Unless of course he knew you wouldn’t believe the truth, even if he told it to you.”

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Colin:

Morons are easy to deal with in movies.

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Colin:

Ugh. They have a mini orchestra. Are they gonna play the Song of Storms, or what?

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I like how he says “May I have a moment,” and their immediate response is to walk to the edge of the fort, up on the edge, right where there’s a hundred foot drop.

Colin:

No, you may not “have” a moment. My moments are my own. You want one, you’re gonna pay for that shit.

I love this set, though.

Colin:

It’s fun how they start this pan from below, so that all you see are the real set pieces and not a bunch of CGI.

“You look lovely, Elizabeth.”

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This face.

Colin:

“You look lovely.” “Cut the foreplay.”

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She really looks like she has to shit, and it’s hilarious.

Colin:

She’s still getting worked on by that homeless guy.

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He’s trying to propose to her.

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“I can’t breathe.”

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“Yes, I’m a bit nervous myself.”

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Colin:

Who lets a chick fall off a cliff while they’re proposing to her?

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“…and then they made me their chief.”

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Colin:

I love every part of this. They just cut back to him and he’s got these guys in the palm of his hand. He’s just regaling them with tales of his exploits and shit. Forrest Gumping that shit. And they make the perfect framing for the chick falling out of the sky. This is a hilarious image.

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“Elizabeth?”

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^ ^ ^ ^ ^

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“OPTIMUS!!!!”

Colin:

“OPTIMUS!”

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Colin:

This is where you can really see how British they are. This guy says, “The rocks! Sir, it’s a miracle SHE missed them!” Who throws in that ‘sir’ when they’re trying to speak as quickly as possible? Only the British.

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“Will you be saving her, then?”

Colin:

He doesn’t know what fell in the water. None of them were looking. Unless he heard Norrington yell her name. That’s probably it.

Logic.

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“Pride of the King’s navy, you are.”

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“Do not lose this.”

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THE TALLY HOS ARE BACK!

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Colin:

Nice dive.

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Colin:

Why’s she still wearing that? Is it cause she had it on when they put her corset on and then never got to take it off? I’d be interesting if that was what was making it so tight. Those extra few millimeters really would have helped.

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It’s really like this was meant to be in 3D.

Also, I like that there’s so many logic jumps here that we don’t even bother to think about it.

How does the coin know to cast a radar signal, pinpointing its exact location? Why does the coin want to be found?

One coin to rule them all. One coin to bind them.

Why did the gods put homing devices on the coins when they cursed them?

How is the Pearl able to detect that this is a signal from the coin and know exactly where it’s coming from? Is there an aftershock?

But really, my point here is — isn’t it nice that all of these questions are there to be asked and yet we don’t ask them or even think about them because the movie is so goddamn fun and who wants to fuck up a good thing?

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Colin:

That’s the thing about skinny chicks. Not buoyant.

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Colin:

This is nice with the fishies.

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The coin controls the weather, too. By the way.

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“Not breathing!”

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Colin:

This is where the movie could have gotten hot and didn’t.

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Colin:

She woke up REAL quick after he cut the corset off. Is that how that works? She was out for quite a long time. Did she get some brain damage, or what?

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“I never would have thought of that.”

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“Clearly you’ve never been to Sinagpore.”

Colin:

I can’t speak to what things were like in the 1740s, but Singapore is currently one of the most sexless nations in the world. I know plenty of Singaporeans, and not too many of them are the swinging type. It’s still a good line.

This line was good… in spite of Singapore.

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“Where did you get that?”

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They don’t like his kind ’round here.

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Colin:

He clearly just rescued her. Why would they even have their swords out? What’s this all about?

He made them miss the hors ‘douevres.

How dare you make a naval man miss his amuse bouches.

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Colin:

This is one of those examples of societal ideas trumping logic. Her corset is off, but that’s the thing that was slamming her titties together and making them look all amazing. And that’s all that was removed. So now it’s just embarrassing cause she’s only in her UNDERGARMENTS! Even though they’re not more revealing than anything else. This is the classic case that always pissed me off because of how illogical it is. Girls wear TINY bikinis with thongs to the beach. They’ll show EVERYTHING. But you accidentally walk in on a girl in her bra and panties? They act like it’s 9/11 all over again.

He’s talking, of course, of September 11, 1541, when Santiago was destroyed by Michimalonco.

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“Shoot him!”

Colin:

Seriously? SHOOT him because he took off her corset?

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“Father – ”

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“Do you really intend to kill my rescuer?”

He should be like, “Yeah.” Like when they asked the Joker if he thought he could steal from them and walk away.

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Colin:

Bit apprehensive about that handshake. I’m like that with some handshakes, too. Like anyone who says, “Put ‘er there, pal.” Don’t. Don’t put ‘er there.

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“Had a brush with the East India Trading Company, did you? Pirate?”

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“Hang him.”

Colin:

What if Gary Oldman was in this movie? What if Gary Oldman was in EVERY movie?

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Colin:

Isn’t it weird that he has the brand and wasn’t hung before. How does that work? If you’re able to brand him, and just being a pirate is a hangable offense, wouldn’t you…hang him?

He’s fucking dressed like a pirate, too.

This is some Homeport Security shit.

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“Well, well – Jack Sparrow, isn’t it?”

Colin:

Back in the day when motherfuckers couldn’t read, you had a hammer and anvil on the blacksmith’s sign, and a tankard on the bar sign. I wonder what was out in front of the brothel. But he’s got a sparrow tattoo cause…who knows how to spell “Sparrow?”

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Captain Jack Sparrow.”

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“Well I don’t see your ship. Captain.”

Colin:

This is the perfect opportunity for a Forrest Gump, “That’s my boat” moment.

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“I’m in the market, as it were.”

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“He said he’d come to commandeer one.”

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“I told you he was telling the truth. These are his, sir.”

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“No additional shots, nor powder.”

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“A compass that doesn’t point north.”

Colin:

Oh! He said your compass ain’t shit! Yo momma bought you that, you gonna take that shit, son?!

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“And I half-expected it to be made of wood.”

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“You are without a doubt the worst pirate I’ve ever heard of.”

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“But you have heard of me.”

Colin:

It’s nice to tell authority figures to fuck themselves when you know you’re in for some shit.

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“Ahhh.”

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“Commodore, I really must protest. Pirate or not, this man saved my life.”

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“One good deed is not enough to redeem a man of a lifetime of wickedness.”

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“Though it seems enough to condemn him.”

Colin:

Some nice wordplay in this movie. “Though it seems enough to condemn him.” Kids get this? I know it’s not hard, but it’s kinda high paced.

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“Finally.”

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Nipple.

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‘I knew you’d warm up to me.”

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“Commadore Norrington, my effects, please.”

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“And my hat.”

Colin:

“And my hat!”

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Colin:

Is he negotiating with a terrorist? That’s why England eventually lost to America. Never negotiate with terrorists.