Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003), Part II — “Stop Talking Like a Trollop”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. Part II.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the second part of The Curse of the Black Pearl:

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We begin Part II at night.

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Reminds me of Apocalypse Now.

At the Do Lung Bridge. When they’re chilling in the foxhole and the lights are going out and coming back.

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In prison.

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Colin:

This dog looks dumb.

As the guys try to get the dog to give them the keys.

Why the dog has the keys is beyond me.

Colin:

This is also part of the ride.

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“You can keep doing that forever, the dog is never going to move.”

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Colin:

Did I tell you guys? I just realized after like 20 years that all my insecurities about my intelligence stem from the fact that when I was a toddler my dad used to sing that “Iko Iko” song from Rain Man to me all the time. Which is great, cause now I don’t have to drop money on therapy.

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“Well excuse us if we haven’t resigned ourselves to the gallows just yet.”

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Colin:

He’s right, but they’re more right. That’s why he smiles like that. “Oh, right. You like living.”

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Is that a thing? Did people just put burning coals in a piece of metal (which I’m sure burned and stained the shit out of blankets) next to a person’s feet?

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Also, titties.

Colin:

Is it me or does it seem dangerous putting red hot embers in a copper thing you’re gonna shove in by your fee holy god titties

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She’s had a trying day. She wasn’t ready for the proposal, even though she figured it was coming. But the maid would rather talk about the pirate.

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“Oh, yes, it was terrifying.” She said, clearly still turned on.

Colin:

I don’t get this. Is this supposed to be her demonstrating how she’s more afraid of shit like marriage than she is of pirates?

She’s gonna go joyriding in the next movie.

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But still — Norrington is a smart match for her.

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She says Norrington is “a fine match.” Clearly into it.

Colin:

A “smart match.” It cracks me up that this is still how marriage is approached in places like China and South Korea, where the parents will do investigations into someone’s finances to see if they’re a potential mate for their child. It’s a bit sad.

Isn’t it still okay to kill your spouse in those countries?

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“But that Will Turner… he’s a fine man too.”

HA HA she knows she wants the D.

Colin:

Why’s the maid getting all sultry now?

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“That is too bold.”

Colin:

Oh, she’s pulling the “Master” card. Or the “Trump” card. Like Donald Trump. He has a great relationship with the…help.

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Colin:

Stop talking like a trollop.

Stop Talking Like a Trollop.

Colin:

Actually, you do have to wonder why she’d bring up Orlando at a random time like this. What the fuck was that all about? Is it understood that he and Norrington are the only eligible bachelors in the whole town? Why else would he be included in this conversation? “While we’re on the topic of how amazing it’d be to marry a decorated naval officer, how hunky is that penniless tradesman’s apprentice?” Totally related.

I think because she knows she wants to bang him.

Everybody knows.

Before they walked through the goddamn door.

It’s like in Love Actually, when Alan Rickman is like, “Everyone knows you want to fuck Carl. Even Carl knows.”

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Am I the only one who thinks it would be hilarious if a thought bubble popped up now with a picture of a penis and a loud, booming voice just said, “DICK”?

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Colin:

Wind blew out a candle! That’d be ominous if the window wasn’t open and if wind wasn’t a naturally occurring phenomenon that exists everywhere in the world and is particularly common near shores.

Omi-nous-so sure.

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Saruman’s building an army.

Colin:

Why is he still working? They’re in the Caribbean, meaning they’re pretty close to the equator, and so the sun being down would mean that it’s pretty damn late here. Didn’t people like this go to sleep pretty early back in the day? Like, to bed at sundown and up at like 4am? Are they really backed up at the blacksmith shop that he needs to be working this late? Cause it seems like there are unsold weapons everywhere in this place and the boss man just drinks all day.

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Oh, this is the perfect set for a noir.

Colin:

This looks like Knockturn Alley.

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Isn’t it weird to think how much straw was around 250 years ago?

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Colin:

Awwwwww shiiiittttttt

Someone’s about to get a Black Pearl Necklace.

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GREAT SHOT.

Colin:

Noose. Nice.

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“What’s that?”

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“CANNON FIRE!”

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Colin:

He got this dude on the ground REAL fast. That’s how you get promoted. Shit goes down, protect your boss.

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“I know those guns.”

Colin:

Do you? I kinda wanna call bullshit. Is there a difference? And are all of those guns the same and yet somehow different from all other guns? But then, Clint Eastwood from a movie told me one time that every gun makes its own tune.

I love The Bridges of Madison County.

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“It’s the Pearl.”

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“The Black Pearl? I’ve heard stories.”

Well I don’t want to hear them.

Why are you just putting forth your opinion?

Who asked you.

Stop talking like a trollop.

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Apparently it doesn’t leave any survivors.

“No survivors? Then where do the stories come from, I wonder.”

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Colin:

More spatial stuff. It’s shooting up at the fort, and over at the other side of the town or whatever. And then when they cut to the Pearl up close, it’s firing at flat angles, and neither forward nor backward. Plus, the cannonballs are going way too fast.

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You’re in the asshole of the world, Captain!”

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Right, though?

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HOW WAS THAT NOT A WILHELM SCREAM?!

Colin:

Yeah, but we get one later in the movie at a more climactic point.

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How are none of these Wilhelm screams?

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This shot is glorious to me, because it’s making me think about this as a shot in a movie about World War II, and this being London, and an air raid is happening overhead.

Imagine that sequence — a silent air raid at 2 am on a quiet London night.

No score, just silence, planes, and explosions.

I’d watch the fuck out of that movie.

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SERIOUSLY NOT ONE GODDAMN WILHELM SCREAM?!!

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Look at this fucking kid.

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Colin:

Haha this stupid child

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Colin:

I don’t care for any of these people. Remember in The Patriot when the cannonballs were just ripping dudes apart?

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Colin:

This pirate looks like a bald Jim Breuer. Which isn’t good.

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Colin:

Fake eyes are gross. As is that noise. And here we have the pirate version of Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum.

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RANDOM CHINAMAN THROWING SMOKE BOMBS!

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Holy shit, that’s the best moment in this movie.

Colin:

That’s cool. They have a Crazy Harry. That’s exactly what this guy is.

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Holy shit, this looks like something out of Méliès. The Rape of the Chinaman.

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A HA HA HA

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“What the fuck?”

That is the proper reaction to seeing that.

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NO DON’T KILL THE CHINAMAN!

Colin:

Tomahawk? You think you Mel up in this bitch?

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False alarm. Not Chinese. And therefore okay.

If it’s not racist, he can die. If it’s racist, then he has to stick around.

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Yoink!

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I like how they’re raping and pillaging for fun. They’re here for the locket, but the rape and stuff is for enjoyment.

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This fucking place. Give me this set, and I can set an entire movie on just this set.

Shit, I can set two of them there.

Different ones.

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ALSO NOT A WILHELM SCREAM!

Goddamnit, give me one! That’s all I ask!

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He orders the governor to get inside to safety.

Colin:

Does he get to give the governor orders? I guess it’s a martial law thing.

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Colin:

How is she JUST NOW opening the window to see what’s up? Who waits that long? And look, now there’s homeys coming up the driveway, which is quite a ways from the action. She’s like Mike and fire alarms. Or me with earthquake alarms. Japanese cell phones sound an alarm before a sizable earthquake hits, usually about 10 seconds in advance. And I’m always like, “Shut the fuck up! I’m sleepin’.”

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People don’t rush property with torches anymore.

We’re missing that.

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WHY ARE YOU GOING TO ANSWER THE DOOR YOU FUCKING MORON

Colin:

Who’s this butler retard? Why would you think it was a good idea to open the door during a BATTLE? People are supposed to identify themselves first.

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“Hello, chum.”

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Colin:

Well there go the remains of his day.

If he survives, he’s gonna have a Forest Whitaker eye.

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Yes, that’s smart. Scream at the men who have home invaded.

Colin:

Yes, do that. Scream. That’ll solve things. I’m pretty sure that I’m not a boss when it comes to fights or melees or whatever, but one thing I do know is that when the shit goes down, I don’t make noises. I just move.

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Colin:

Jeez. He fell funny.

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“They’ve come to kidnap you. You’re the governor’s daughter.”

I’m pretty sure they’ve come to rape you more than anything.

They’re gonna invade her doody hole.

Colin:

The way this maid says, “You’re the governor’s DAW-TER!” is super creepy. It’s like she’s explaining it to Keira for the first time. Like she’s a prize or something. She might as well be saying, “You’re a flower in full bloom, and all the bees want a hit of that pussy nectar!”

I’m sorry, I am DRUNK. It’s been a long week at work, and so it’s taken me a whole Monday-Friday to get just this far in the film. So I got out tonight too late to go out, so I decided to stay home and give myself alcohol poisoning while watching Pirates of the Caribbean.

That’s actually a perfect evening.

Colin:

The enjoyable part is that my typing never gets worse. I can be blackout, but I’m still gonna punctuate everything properly.

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Colin:

Did we really need the three seconds they spend having Keira tell this stupid maid to save herself? Just be like, “Fuck you, I’m out!”

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Yeah, you’re gonna get raped.

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Stop screaming like a trollop.

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A HA HA that was awesome. Just one person being chased across the frame.

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NOW THAT’S A FUCKING TALLY HO!

Colin:

There was a tally ho. This big plantation-style house with the huge entryway is making me think about Jamie Foxx shooting up the place.

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That’s a proper tally ho!

This motherfucker wins the B+ Movie Blog award for Best Tally Ho in a Franchise Movie.

Look at that form.

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And he sticks the landing, and lands right in front of her.

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Colin:

This is what Disney rapists do. Lame, British versions of DMX barking.

HOLY SHIT LET’S WRITE A PIRATE MOVIE AND CAST DMX IN IT

WE DON’T EVEN HAVE TO CALL IT X MARKS THE SPOT THAT CAN JUST BE HIS SONG ON THE ALBUM

Colin:

You guys, we broke Mike.

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Colin:

Don’t you enjoy jumbles of plunder? Nobody ever has shit organized. It’s always someone with an armful of random stuff that looks vaguely valuable. And there always has to be something gold and at least a sting of pearls, cause that’s what’s recognizable in a blur. Otherwise, it could just be junk.

I want to call something Jumbles of Plunder.

Probably not my girlfriend, though.

She wouldn’t take kindly to it.

I wanna start a DOLLAR STORE and call it Jumbles of Plunder.

Holy shit, that’s a great idea.

Or maybe that’s just what I’ll call my testicles.

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Colin:

IN THE CHEST

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Colin:

Still, this doesn’t really work spatially. The guy gets hit, and that’s the distraction, but there’s still a guy blocking both of her escape routes.

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Did she just Sherlock that?

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Ha ha – you’re still just a white girl.

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Colin:

This is them being a legit comedy. Epic score, she goes for the sword…and the music stops as we laugh at her. We’re supposed to be laughing at her right here. When, statistically, she’s about 10 seconds from being raped. Just pointing that out.

Comedy = Tragedy + Time

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Colin:

I’ve noticed this in some large, colonial New England homes as well, but what’s going on above the mantel? It’s like there’s a frame there, but nothing in it. And you can sort of tell that it’s not a frame at all, but rather an embellishment in the wall — almost like a relief. But what’s that for? Are you supposed to put something there?

That’s where she pulled that sword thing from.

Though I still wonder why that was framed.

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“We know you’re here, Poppet.”

Colin:

Poppet’s a weird thing to call someone. Remember The Wild Thornberrys? Remember how Flea was the voice of Donnie? And Busta Rhymes was the Reptar Wagon? Yeah.

All of my movies will have Buster Rhymes being credited as the Reptar Wagon.

Also – Bruce Willis was the voice of their dog, too, in that crossover.

I think it was called Look Whose Kitchen Needs Renovating.

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“Come out, and we promise we won’t hurt you.”

“Really?”

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Of course! The carpet!

Not the fact that there’s NOWHERE ELSE TO FUCKING HIDE INSIDE THIS ROOM!

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Colin:

That’s some scary shit. Being in a closet while people outside are looking for you, and then they show up right in front and you’ve got no place to go.

How about you just give them the locket and be done with it?

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“’Ello Poppet.”

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“Parlay.”

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“What?”

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“Parlay. I Invoke the right of parlay. According to the Code of the Bretheren, set down by the pirates Morgan and Bartholomew, you have to take me to your captain.”

Colin:

She says this all very quickly. Like it was…rehearsed.

She practices it three hours a day, just in case she gets almost raped by some pirates.

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“I know the code.”

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“If an adversary demands parlay, you can do them no harm until the parlay is complete.”

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“She wants to be taken to the captain.”

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“And she’ll go without a fuss. We must honor the code.”

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“Really? That worked?”

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Orlando Bloom is fighting a guy outside a giant glass window.

Gee, I wonder how this’ll turn out.

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“Say goodbye!”

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“Goodbye.”

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I love how he manages to be there at the perfect spot at the perfect time to see her being led away.

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“Will.”

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“Elizabeth.”

Oh you gotta be fucking kidding me.

Colin:

Damsel in distress. How many movies use this trope?

Can someone make a tally of how many times they say each other’s names in this franchise?

I can’t guarantee my liver can handle it, but… I’m game.

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THE CHINAMAN IS BACK!

(I don’t care. I’m still calling him The Chinaman. Because if someone is gonna show up dressed like that, throwing fireworks in a movie — he’s a fucking Chinaman. Let’s be real here.)

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Colin:

Crazy Harry’s back. Aw, but his bomb didn’t go off. Dudley.

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HA HA HA WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

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HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING.

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That was the greatest character arc ever.

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This is like Harry. Passes out during a battle and wakes up without a fucking scratch.

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Colin:

I don’t get how that didn’t blow them all to smithereens. The rocks from the wall would have blasted in, wrecking all of them.

Sea turtles, mate.

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Colin:

I’m not sure if you can tell from these images, but this puff of smoke was a Mickey Mouse Easter egg.

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What the fuck is that shot about?

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So now he’s resorted to trying the dog.

It kind of works, since, what we find out later on, it’d make sense that he’d have some sort of in with it.

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“Come on you mangy…”

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“No! No no no!”

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“Well, well, well, look what we have here.”

Colin:

That’s a nice, “Well, well, well.”

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“Captain Jack Sparrow.”

Colin:

If I were him, I wouldn’t be sticking my arms out. Those arms dangling through the bars are just asking to be snapped. I don’t want anyone snapping my arms.

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“Last time I saw you, you were on a god forsaken island, shrinking into the distance. His fortunes haven’t improved much.”

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“Worry about your own fortunes, gentleman. The deepest circle of hell is reserved for traitors and mutineers.”

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“So there is a curse.”

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“That’s interesting.”

Colin:

Curse. Skeletons. Cool.

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“You know nothing of hell.”

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“That’s very interesting.”

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Colin:

That stupid moon. Making me think of Twilight.

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Colin:

That’s creepy. But I like when old ships have some weird carvings. That always makes them better. Or when REALLY old ships — Greek triremes and stuff — have the eyes painted on them. Cause what’s a trireme without eyes?

A trreme?

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Colin:

They’ve been firing constantly for like 20 minutes. How long can this bombardment go before they run out of ammo? Where do they GET ammo? Is there a Caribbean Ammu-Nation?

There’s a Caribbean Badman.

And definitely a Caribbean Shifty-Ass A-rab.

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The captain.

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Colin:

Everyone’s got something to hide except him.

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And his monkey.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 807

Goddamn.

I think I know what ate your baby.

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“She’s invoked the right of parlay with Captain Barbossa.”

“I am here to negotiate-“

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GODDAMN!

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“You will speak when spoken to.”

Colin:

THAT was a smack. I’m amazed she’s still standing.

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“And ye will not lay a hand unto those under the protection of parlay.”

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“Apologies, Miss.”

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“Captain Barbossa – I am here to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against Port Royal.”

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“Lotta log words in there, Miss. We’re not but humble pirates. What is it that you want?”

Colin:

Stop talking like that, Poindexter.

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“I want you to leave and never come back.”

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“I’m disinclined to acquiesce to your request.”

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“Means no.”

Colin:

Ooooh he spits words too, bitch! Whatcha got?

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 822

“Very well.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 823

Colin:

Wouldn’t they have searched her? Or is that under the “harming” thing?

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“I’ll drop it.”

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Colin:

Still confused as to why Jack didn’t take it. Or why she STILL had it on at the end of the day.

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“My holds are bursting with swag. That bit of shine matters to us… why?”

“My holds are bursting with swag.” Just waiting to become a meme.

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“It’s what you’ve been searching for. I recognize this ship. I saw it eight years ago on the crossing from England.”

So… wait… her and Will were both coming over from England at the same time? Him to find his father, as we find out later, and her and her father to take over governorship of Port Royal?

This franchise literally starts with a white guy and his daughter going to a new job.

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“Did you, now?”

… did… did you know that’s where Will was coming from too? Was that what you were attacking that day? The ship so you could get him? I don’t really get how this is helping you solve your puzzle.

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“Fine. Well if it is worthless, then I suppose there’s no point in me keeping it.”

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Reaction shots.

Colin:

Why DO they care? They’re not far out from the shore, so it’s not that deep. And we see later that they can walk underwater with no problem. Wouldn’t they hop in the water and pick it up? Or one of them could dive down after it while it was still sinking and catch it. I don’t see the trouble.

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“You have a name, missy?”

What if her name was Missy?

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“Elizabeth… Turner. I’m a maid in the governor’s household.”

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Reactions.

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“Miss TURNER…”

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“Bootstrap.”

Yes. Thank you. I don’t think you could have made it any more subtler.

Colin:

Bootstrap is a bad nickname. I don’t know why anyone would let themselves be called Bootstrap.

Bootstrap is a good name for a father who beats his children.

Colin:

Or just…Joe Jackson.

It’d be funny to have two Joe Jacksons with opposite ends of the shoe spectrum nicknames.

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“And how does a maid come to own a trinket such as that? Family heirloom?”

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“I didn’t steal it, if that’s what you mean.”

But you did. You did steal it.

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“Very well, you hand it over, we’ll put you a-town to our rudder, to n’er return.”

Colin:

She doesn’t negotiate well. I would be on the shore with all their shit before I gave it to the monkey to swim back to their ship with.

I don’t like the “ne’er return” part. Especially if it involves a rudder.

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I want a monkey I can hand things to.

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“Our bargain.”

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“You have to take me to shore!”

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“Your return to shore was not part of our negotiations, nor our agreement, so I must do nothing. And second, you must be a pirate for the pirate’s code to apply, and you’re not.”

Colin:

I’m glad he throws this in her face. Technicalities are awesome.

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“And third, the code is more what you’d call “guidelines” than actual rules.”

He reminds me of Ron Moody as Fagin.

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“Welcome aboard the Black Pearl, Miss Turner.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 860

Rape.

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Ah… Tuesday.

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Colin:

That’s exactly how I woke up this morning.

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Colin:

That girl sweeping up is young Elizabeth.

I wasn’t even paying attention. I was thinking how great rear projection is when done this way, in a small strip between buildings. I’m such a huge fan of that.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 864

The random transition movements in this film are really enjoyable. A body going this way, a dude chasing a woman across the screen that way – they really put effort into the shot choices.

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“They’ve taken her. They’ve taken Elizabeth!”

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“Remove this man.”

Which is pretty funny. Someone barges in and the other person, barely listening, is like “Remove him.”

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They don’t have any information to go on.

“That Jack Sparrow – he talked about the Black Pearl.”

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“Ask him where it is. Make a deal with him, he can lead us to it.”

And Norrington’s like, “They left him here, therefore they’re not his allies.”

Yes… but he could also then lead you to it more willingly, couldn’t he?

Colin:

“…ergo, they are not his allies.” What the hell does THAT have to do with it? I’m not China’s ally, but I can point it out on a map.

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“That’s not good enough!”

I wanna do that. Bang a machete down on the table and scream how something isn’t good enough.

Like, at a diner or something.

Colin:

Send shit back…in a diner.

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“Mr. Turner – you’re not a military man, you’re not a sailor. You’re a blacksmith. This is not the moment for rash actions.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 875

“Do not make the mistake of thinking you’re the only man here who cares for Elizabeth.”

It’s funny how Norrington is essentially a good dude, who is just kinda boring.

Colin:

Ooooh we ALL love Elizabeth! GAY.

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“You… Sparrow.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 878

Colin:

I’m this guy. I’ll be doing something weird until you show up, at which time I’ll lounge around somewhere and look relaxed.

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“You’re familiar with that ship, the Black Pearl?”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 880

“I’ve heard of it.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 881

“Where does it make birth?”

(Where does it make birth?)

“Where does it make birth? Have you not heard the stories?”

Colin:

….you do know that’s spelled ‘berth,’ right?

Huh?

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 882

“Captain Barbossa and his crew of miscreants, sail from the dreaded Isla de Muerta. It’s an island that cannot be found except by those who already know where it is.”

Colin:

That doesn’t make sense.

Does it make birth?

Colin:

Goddamnit.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 883

“The ship’s real enough, therefore its anchorage must be a real place. Where is it?”

Isn’t it in that Alastkta place?

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 884

“Why ask me?”

“Because you’re a pirate.”

“And you want to turn pirate yourself, eh?”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 885

“Never.”

Colin:

This man should be convicted for his conviction.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 886

“They took Miss Swann.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 887

“Oh, so it is that you found a girl!”

Coincidental that it’s the girl that Sparrow met too.

Probably because she’s the only one on the island.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 888

“Well if you’re intended to brave all, hasten to her rescue and so win fair lady’s heart, you’ll have to do it alone, mate. I see no profit in it for me.”

Colin:

I have all the power. You need my help. I’m already in the proper position for you to suck my dick.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 889

“I can get you out of here.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 890

“How’s that? the key’s run off.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 891

Colin:

Did we really need the hinge exposition, Legolas? Just say you built them and bust it open.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 892

“What’s your name?”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 893

“Will Turner.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 894

“That would be short for William, I imagine. Good, strong name. No doubt named for your father, eh?”

It would be weird if he were named for his mother.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 895

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“Yes.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 897

Colin:

I like it when people know things and Orlando Bloom doesn’t.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 898

“Well, Mr. Turner, I’ve changed me mind. If you spring me form this cell, I swear on pain of death, I shall take you to the Black Pearl, and your Bonnie Lass.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 899

“Do we have an accord?”

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“Hurry, someone will have heard that.”

“Not without my effects.”

Colin:

I’m gonna start referring to all my stuff as my “effects.”

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Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 906

Colin:

I really love it when there’s something framing the top of a shot.

I really love that we don’t have to say all that much about this one.

Big difference from the last eight movies.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 907

“We’re gonna steal the ship?”

“Commandeer. We’re gonna commandeer that ship. Nautical term.”

Colin:

Yes! Nautical term. You can put something in nautical terms and it’s TOTALLY okay. “You saying I got a fat ass?!” “No, I’m saying you got a lotta ballast in your aft tank. Nautical term.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 908

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 909

Colin:

This is the same song that was playing when he showed up at the docks in the first place, right? What is this, the “Jack Sparrow Mischief” song?

I want a “mischief” song.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 910

“One question about your business, boy. Or there’s no use going.”

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“This girl – how far are you willing to go to save her?”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 912

“I’d die for her.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 913

“Oh, good. No worries, then.”

Colin:

This is a mistake. You never tell someone how far you’d be willing to go to do anything. You never know who you might have to bluff.

“How far are you willing to go for her?”

“Spokane. Maybe Walla Walla.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 914

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Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 916

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 917

Colin:

This boat has legs. This is some weird shit that you might see in Yellow Submarine

Lieutenant Dan must feel horrible. Even the boats have legs.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 918

Colin:

This is a very cool image. I like a lot of the shots in this movie. They shot this well.

And you can tell — they cared about the shots. They didn’t just go, “Oh, well… scene’s starting, so… atmospherics.” I fucking hate that stuff. They actually took care to set up all of the shots in this movie. And it’s fucking gorgeous and well-written, too. Which is why I will continue to defend this movie as a perfect film forever.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 919

Colin:

Is this a thing? I wanna walk on the ocean floor. Never mind, no I don’t.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 920

“This is either madness or brilliance.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 921

“It’s remarkable how often those two traits coincide.”

Colin:

That’s not a lot of air. I don’t think I’d trust this. And the CO2 level is just constantly rising as you’re doing this. Nah, I’m really not cool with this. For that matter, why don’t they float?

There’s no way this actually works, but it looks cool.

I’d rather go along with something like this than a lot of the shit they do in most action movies.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 922

Well that trap’s no good.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 923

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 924

GOAT IN A BOAT!

Colin:

Hold on, that’s actually what that is, and NOTHING more. Why is that goat all alone in a tiny boat? Is this some bizarre punishment for the goat?

I think it’s because this is the day after the Pearl attack. So the goat just sort of ended up there and is floating and no one got around to getting it out of there.

What’s the goat thinking right now?

Probably that this situation is baaaaaaaad.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 925

Holy shit, that’s almost like the 40s. The only thing missing is a close up of the black kid and him giving the wide eyes.

Colin:

And then the shot of him snapping out of it cause he’s hooked a big ole catfish!

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 926

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 927

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 928

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 929

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 930

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 931

“Everyone stay calm, we are taking over this ship.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 932

“Aye! Avast!”

Colin:

Why would he say that? That’s just dumb. You sound dumb.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 933

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 934

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 935

“This ship cannot be crewed by two men. You’ll never make it out of the bay.”

Colin:

That’s partially why I’ve never been into boats as much. This thing needs more than two people just to get moving. Then again, you have the modern supertankers that are so long the crew use bikes to get around on deck, and those are often crewed by like 10 dudes.

That’s always been a thing for me. I want to be on one of those giant ships for like, a month. I’d totally go do that. Go on a supertanker, hang out on a giant boat, The Shining style, with like ten of us there, just chilling and finding shit to do. I’d do that shit in a second.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 936

“Son…I’m Captain Jack Sparrow!”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 937

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 938

“Savvy?”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 939

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 940

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 941

“Rash, Turner. Too rash. ”

True, but now his special attack is way higher.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 942

“He is without a doubt the worst Pirate I have ever seen.”

Colin:

Both of them are miffed, but the funniest part about this is that you know they’d make the same face if someone over-brewed the tea. And that’s why the British are a comical people.

That other guy looks like if Jean Claude Van Damme and Michael Cera had a baby with AIDS.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 943

“Here they come.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 944

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 945

That smile.

Colin:

They really did get this casting right. Bloom…eh. But of course, I don’t think you’re really supposed to like Will that much.

I think he does work in the later movies because he tones down the conviction. But, also, to be fair — Rings was his first movie. So he’s not really all that much of an actor. You can see by his choices that he knows his limitations and isn’t trying to play some mentally retarded gay painter or something. (Outside of Troy, of course.) So I don’t mind him. He’s got a really hot wife and made millions of dollars on movies like this.

Apparently they almost cast Heath Ledger here, too. It was between the two of them, and they went with Bloom because they figured the Rings recognition would help him.

And I’m glad for that, too, because what if Heath Ledger got this and never got to do Brokeback?

Colin:

Then he might still be alive?

Pirates of the Caribbean killed Heath Ledger.

They might say it was Mary Kate Olsen, but we know.

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The tally hos are back.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 948

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 949

Colin:

How are there always random ropes just hanging everywhere? What are these ropes attached to and why do they exist? Is it only for boarding? Are they ALWAYS there? It’s sorta like how in Spiderman or Batman, there’s ALWAYS something to web or grapple to. No matter what.

I think it’s for boarding and because they were planning on doing this.

But I see your point. This happens quite a bit. I always wondered why Spider-Man doesn’t shoot a web on a loose part of cement on a building and plummet to his death because there’s nothing to grab onto.

Or why they don’t show someone living on the 23rd floor and having to clean all the webs that are hanging outside their windows every morning. Because you have to figure the city is just littered with that shit.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 950

Colin:

Ah. A ruse.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 951

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 952

It’s funny when people steal a car. It’s funnier when they steal a ship, because — how the fuck do you let a ship be stolen?

Norrington should be fired for this.

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Colin:

Look at this douchebag trying to get back to the Interceptor. Why would you let go? And for that matter, the Dauntless is much taller than the Interceptor, so even if you did aim properly, it’d be like a 10 foot drop to a wooden deck. Who thinks that’s a good idea?

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 959

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 960

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 961

They’re about to fire on their own ship.

(P.S. It’s the magic hour.)

Colin:

I don’t know what “Long Nines” are, but I want some.

I am amused.

“I’d rather see her at the bottom of the ocean than in the hands of a pirate.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 962

Only… he’s disabled the rudder chain.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 963

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 964

Colin:

Would this little boat really get broken up like that? I guess it’d be broken if the viscosity and resistance of the water on the small boat was too great for it to just be pushed aside. But you’d think it’d just be like *dink* and get knocked to the side.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 965

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 966

Colin:

Failure pose.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 967

“That’s got to be the best pirate I’ve ever seen.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 968

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 969

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 970

Money shots of boats in water.

Colin:

Great shot, again. They better get rid of those flags before they get into port, though.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 971

Can never get enough of these.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 972

Will says some shit about his father. Says he knows Jack knew his father.

Colin:

How do you book passage to the Caribbean from England after you’ve been orphaned?

I got a guy.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 973

“I knew him. Probably one of the few who knew him as William Turner. Everyone else just called him Bootstrap, or Bootstrap Bill.”

Colin:

This scab on Depp’s jaw — that was a prank that he and his makeup artist thought up. It gets larger throughout the film. I kept noticing it and trying to figure out where it came from.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 974

“Good man. Good pirate.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 975

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 976

“I swear, you look just like him.”

That’ll be funny next movie.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 977

“It’s not true. He was a merchant sailor.”

Colin:

Orlando Bloom delivers a lot of his lines with a severity that just isn’t necessary.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 978

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“He was a bloody pirate, a scalawag.”

Colin:

Pirate words are funny.

Still surprised there isn’t a Pokémon named Scalawag.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 980

“My father was NOT a pirate.”

Colin:

Called yo pappy a criminal. This will not stand.

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“Put it away, son. It’s not worth you getting beat again.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 982

“You didn’t beat me. You ignored the rules of engagement. In a fair fight, I’d have killed you.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 983

“That’s not much incentive for me to fight fair then, is it?”

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Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 985

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 986

Colin:

AND BOOM GOES THE BOOM

Really, I think this movie is gonna be about me enjoying every time Orlando Bloom gets tricked or bested. Keira too, only I like looking at her.

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 987

“Now as long as you’re just hanging there, pay attention. The only rules that really matter are these.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 988

“What a man can do, and what a man can’t do.”

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“For instance, you can accept that your father was a pirate and a good man, or you can’t.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 990

“But pirate is in your blood, boy, so you’ll have to square with that some day.”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 991

“Now me, for example – I can let you drown. But I can’t bring this ship into Tortuga all by me onesy. Savvy. So–”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 992

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 993

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“Can you sail under the command of a pirate?”

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“Or can you not?”

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“Tortuga?”

Pirates of the Caribbean The Curse of the Black Pearl - 997

“Tortuga.”

I love how easily the film is breaking up the parts for us.

This is where we’ll END PART II.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part III, and fucking Tortuga.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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