Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003), Part III — “Bananas and Monkey Bitches”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. Part III.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the third part of The Curse of the Black Pearl:

We begin Part III in Tortuga.

These are always my favorite locations — the little coves inside what seems to be nothing but rock.

There’s a place like this in Final Fantasy VII, that’s in this rounded area and has a waterfall, and there’s a cave where you learn some shit. But I always loved that location. And this is exactly the same thing. Huge fan.

And I’m about to be an even bigger fan of this place, because…

Love me some western archetypes on top of pirate ones.

Colin:

This is one of those places that can’t exist. Where do they get provisions? Why do the British not show up and clear it out? They must know where this place is.

Probably because most of the Brits are about law and order and fair trials, and this is a place where they’ll just be shot in the streets.

Plus, who wants to shut down such a good time?

You know there’s a couple of high-ranking Brits who come get with some of the prostitutes on this place.

That’s why this movie works.

Colin:

I love this one guy who’s getting this chick’s dress put over his head. Cause what’s so exciting about that? But he fucking loves it. I bet he’s wasted.

“More importantly, it is indeed a sad life that has never breathed deep this sweet, proliferous bouquet that is Tortuga , savvy? What do you think?”

“It’ll linger.”

Colin:

Look at how much tit that is. That’s like…too much tit.

Is there such a thing?

GPOY

Colin:

GPOY

“I tell you, mate. If every town in the world were like this one, no man would ever feel unwanted.”

“Scarlet!”

Colin:

“Scarlett!” With the cane. This is perfect.

“Not sure I deserved that.”

“Giselle.”

Colin:

Sounds like a cross between a shaving razor and an antelope.

“Who was she?”

“What?”

“I may have deserved that.”

Colin:

Are these chicks really the jealous type?

He’s Captain Jack Sparrow.

Also GPOY.

The R. Kelly story.

That’ll be me. Drunkenly passed out in a barn, waving a knife at anyone who wakes me up.

Colin:

I only chuckle because he’s using the future tense in hopes of convincing you he’s never been there.

Technically I haven’t. Because it was a Nativity and was more of an enclosure than a barn.

The rest was the same, though.

“Curse you for breathing, you slack-jawed idiot! Mother’s love! Jack! You should know better to wake a man when he’s sleeping. It’s bad luck.”

Colin:

Slack-jawed idiot. I must remember that one.

Why is it bad luck, by the way?

Because you’ll get stabbed?

Or another reason?

If it’s another reason, I kind of want to know what it is.

“Ah, but I know how to counter it.”

“The man who did the waking buys the man who was sleeping a drink. And the man who was sleeping drinks it while listening to a proposition from the man who did the waking.”

So booze is the cure to bad luck.

Booze is the cure for everything.

“Aye. That’ll about do it.”

See?

“Blast, I’m already awake!”

Colin:

You can’t wake a man when he’s awake.

Morpheus:

You think that’s air you’re breathing now?

“That was for the smell.”

“All right, fair enough.”

Colin:

Like, this place. How does this place do BUSINESS? Are these guys paying for shit? Is this the only place where piracy and thievery is off limits?

What do they pay on glass and cutlery? They must go through shit like crazy. They must keep a carpenter on tap to fix all the barstools they break.

“Keep a sharp eye.”

“Now, what’s the nature of this venturing of yours?”

Colin:

You know what the best part of this is? McNally GREW that facial hair. Figured it’d save him time during makeup. So those sideburns are all him. That’s amazing. I couldn’t do that.

I wish I had a reason to just grow my facial hair like that.

I mean, I still could, but a reason would be nice.

For once.

“I’m going after the Black Pearl. I know where it’s going to be, and I’m going to take it.”

“What makes you think Barbossa will give up his ship to you?”

Don’t you know the story? Why are you calling it Barbossa’s ship? Because he’s an actual captain? What if some random guy was at the helm of the ship? Would he then be its captain? How does this work?

“Let’s just say it’s a matter of leverage.”

Colin:

Oh my god this chick ooohh nooooo

“That is the child of Bootstrap Bill Turner.”

“His only child.”

“Is he now?”

“Leverage, says you. I think I feel a change in the wind, says I.”

That’s awesome. I want to phrase sentences like that.

“I’ll find us a crew. There’s bound to be some sailors on this rock as crazy as you.”

“One can only hope.”

“Take what you can.”

“Give nothing back!”

Colin:

Is that how pirates say ‘cheers’?

Clink. BOOZE.

Colin:

There’s a song that would be better than the Saliva original. “Clink Clink Booze.”

The first half of that statement applies to all of their songs.

Colin:

These ships always look like they’re going pretty fast. I guess they’d top out around 10 miles per hour. There’s a good clip.

“You’ll be dining with the captain. And he requests you wear this.”

“Well you may tell the captain that I am disinclined to acquiesce to his request.”

“He said you’d say that. He also said if that be the case then you’ll be dining with the crew. And you’ll be naked.”

Colin:

Barbossa knew what she’d say well in advance because Geoffrey Rush knows cunts.

“Fine.”

What was that? “Fine. Don’t be naked.”

Jesus. Now that’s a meal.

Colin:

This all looks particularly gross.

Colin:

And this pig is curled up and staring at you as though it were waking up from a nap. Roasted and covered in strange berries.

Just like Lana Turner.

“There’s no need to stand on ceremony. No need to impress. You must be hungry.”

Oh yeah. That’s how you eat dinner.

Oh, I get it. He can’t eat solid food anymore because he’s a ghost, so he’s enjoying being able to see her do that.

Colin:

He likes the way you eat, bitch.

Still, that’s awesome. I love it when people get enjoyment from other people’s indulgence. Remember at the beginning of The Big Sleep when Bogie goes into the greenhouse to meet with General Sternwood and learn about the case? And Sternwood’s old and infirm, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to really eat or drink stuff, so he has his butler pour Bogie a bunch of brandy. And Bogie just DOWNS it, which Sternwood loves. “I enjoyed your drink as much as you did, sir!”

Colin:

Keira had to do this scene like 20 times, and the meat was all cold and clammy. Which is gross.

“Try the wine.”

Colin:

This is the way we pour the wine, pour the wine, pour the wine, this is the way we pour the wine to come off like a creep.

That’s my kind of woman.

“And the apples.”

Holy shit, this might be my favorite shot in the movie.

“It’s poisoned.”

Colin:

Is she realizing this because of the Snow White thing? Like, as a Disney damsel she’s learned that lesson?

I think it’s just he’s being really creepy. Imagine someone offered you an apple and was staring at you as you ate it. Your first instinct as you went to eat it would be, “…you jizzed on it, didn’t you?”

Colin:

So it’s just the face? I dunno, he’s been creepy the whole time, but only once he offers up an apple does she start to notice.

Colin:

And the monkey thinks so too! Bad dates, monkey. Bad dates.

“There would be no sense to be killing you, Miss Turner.”

“Then release me. You have your trinket, I’m of no further value to you.”

“You don’t know what this is, do you?”

“It’s a pirate medallion.”

“This is Aztec gold. One of 882 identical pieces they delivered in a stone chest to Cortes himself. Blood money to paid to stem the slaughter he reaped upon all of his armies.”

Colin:

Cortes needs his own HBO miniseries. If there isn’t one already. I have trouble keeping them all straight. But he had a baller-ass story, and what a brutal conquest. Plus, he had a child out of wedlock with the daughter of one of the Aztec emperors he executed, and she ended up being widowed 4 times before her 18th birthday. This stuff writes itself.

“But the greed of Cortes was insatiable. So the heathen gods placed upon a the gold a terrible curse.”

Colin:

This is something I never get in movies like this. They’ll talk about ancient gods placing curses on shit, and it turns out to be true. So are those the right gods to follow in this universe? Seems to me that unless the curse was totally fake — and it isn’t in this case — it sort of blows Christianity and all other religions out of the water. How can a universe have multiple and legitimate belief systems that all claim to be the only show in town?

“Any mortal that removes but a single piece from that stone chest shall be punished for eternity.”

What I like about all of this is – they’re not necessarily horrible people. I mean, yes, they do rape and pillage and kill, but here, they’re just trying not to be cursed. They thought it was bullshit, and it turns out, it wasn’t. I like when franchises are able to do this. Have someone be the antagonist only to reveal – oh, they’re not actually that bad. And then they’re able to swing back and forth between friendly and not, depending on the situation.

Colin:

What I like about this is — Barbossa’s first name is Hector. HECTOR! Can you believe it? Someone named Hector, you guys.

“I hardly believe in ghost stories anymore, Captain Barbossa.”

“Aye, that’s exactly what I thought when we were first told the tale. Buried on an island of the dead that cannot be found except by those who know where it is.”

Colin:

Rush is awesome. I think it’s the way he’s whispering. Far cry from talking to B-B-B-Bertie.

So they found it, and they “took ‘em!”

Colin:

I loved this delivery. “There be the chest. Inside be the gold.”

They spent them all on drink and food and “pleasurable company.”

And they realized that they couldn’t eat, drink or fuck anymore.

Colin:

“All the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust.” I dunno. Have you tried a twelvesome?

They’re practically apostible to have.

Colin:

Also, why is it that they only began realizing this slowly? When Depp steals the coin later, the curse happens immediately.

Colin:

The captive guest puts a dinner knife under their napkin. We goin’ Dr. No up in here?

Colin:

Stop biting the coin, monkey. That’s been all over the place.

“There is one way we can break our curse.”

Colin:

This monkey’s really getting off on this. I wonder if this is a speech Barbossa’s given before. Or is this all new.

“All the scattered pieces of the Aztec gold must be restored, and the blood repaid.”

This sounds like a setup for Legends of the Hidden Temple.

“Thanks to you, we have the final piece.”

Which is really something interesting to be glossing over. How the fuck did they manage to get all the other 881 pieces? Where? How did they figure this out? How was none of it destroyed?

How many whores did they kill?

Colin:

I don’t know how they figured out how to lift the curse. Is it written down there? The incantation he uses later is English — is it necessary? Cause I don’t think Depp uses it when he does his thing. That must be it, right? Barbossa’s just being theatrical, and it’s not a real incantation.

“And the blood to be repaid?”

“That’s why there’s no sense to be killing you. Yet.”

“Apple?”

HA HA. That was awesome. “How about a Fresca?”

Colin:

Oh shit, Fresca. That’s a thing. You guys remember Surge? That shit was insane.

“ARRGGHHH!”

Colin:

THIS FACE

Colin:

Why is that always the face? People who are TRYING to stab the other person and then succeed always seem to make this face, especially women. Like, you’re trying to stab them, and when you succeed in doing so, it becomes, “Don’t panic, I’m getting the first aid kit!” I’d be smiling a psychotic smile right now. A crazy person smile.

Colin:

Nice. That’s how a man does. Stabbed in the chest, not a sound.

“I’m curious. After killing me, what is it you’re planning on doing next?”

Great line.

Really great line.

Does it really take this many people to crew a ship?

Colin:

Never liked this scene. Just a lot of bad CGI with the pirates all going too far with the menacing thing. It’s not necessary.

Why the fuck was that randomly there?

It’s like this was meant to be in 3D.

This is just a montage of Keira Knightley looking into the camera and screaming.

Colin:

This CGI is not great.

Well that’s… probably not good.

Also… would that do that to him in his human form? Pretty sure it wouldn’t.

Colin:

That’s the weird thing. It seems that in the moonlight, they are just bones. That their flesh disappears. Cause later on, those dudes fall into the water in a LOT of pieces.

“God DAMN!”

Yes, hide behind some stairs. No one will find you.

MONKEY OUT OF NOWHERE!

Even the monkey’s cursed.

Colin:

What about this monkey? What did the monkey spend gold on? I didn’t even know he got a cut. How many bananas and monkey bitches did his share get him?

“Gonna need bout tree fiddy.”

Colin:

And wait a second. They’re all cursed, but if all the other pieces are returned, wouldn’t the guys who originally took them be uncursed? Apparently, they’re only uncursed when ALL the pieces are returned, but then what was the start of the curse? Were they cursed as a group, including the monkey, the moment a single piece was stolen?

“The moonlight shows us for what we really are. We are not among the living and so we cannot die. But neither are we dead.”

What I don’t get is why they wasted this revelation earlier in the jail cell. They should have cut away from it and have had this be the reveal. Because then, if you cut away from it, and Depp goes, “So there is a curse,” you don’t really know what he’s talking about, and then she stabs him and he’s not dead, you go, “Well fuck, that’s weird.” And then you see the ghosts and it’s actually a revelation. Here, it’s not as big because we saw it happen earlier.

Colin:

Death Star.

SEE, PEOPLE?! I make things better.

Though that Death Star one was a legitimate Stir Friday moment.

“For too long I’ve been parched of thirst, unable to quench it. Too long I’ve been starving to death and haven’t died.”

“Too long have you watched my sister. Too long have you haunted her steps.”

“I feel nothing. Not the wind on my face, nor the wave of the sea.”

“And the first summer strawberries with cream.”

“Nor the warmth of a woman’s flesh.”

“You best start believing in ghost stories, Miss Turner.”

“You’re in one.”

BOOZE.

Booze makes any supernatural leap okay.

Colin:

“Booze makes any _____________ okay.”

I like the shot and all, but… that is all hitting the floor.

Colin:

Noooo you wasted booze by pouring it into your ribs and then wasted the rest by throwing it at a door nooooo why

Let us laugh.

Colin:

Laughs out of nowhere are always welcome.

“What are you looking at? Back to work.”

You got purple on you.

She looks like she’s just been molested by her father.

And this is the crew that Gibbs got assembled.

Colin:

Time to meet the crew. Obviously they have to be a bunch of weirdo misfits. Otherwise they aren’t lovable.

Mr. Cotton.

Colin:

You know he’s getting picked.

He’s a mute. Got his tongue cut out. The bird talks for him.

Colin:

Oh, it’s one of those fucking Ellen Jamesians.

I will always enjoy references to that movie.

Colin:

I still do this tongue thing. Girls dig it.

And the bird says “wind in the sail.”

Colin:

You’re talking to a bird.

“Mostly we figure that means yes.”

Colin:

Orlando Bloom’s face here is the first thing he’s done that I’ve really approved of. “Well, that’s…the answer we were looking for, I suppose.”

Colin:

And here we have a chick really failing at the whole Mulan approach.

“Annamaria.”

Colin:

And would you look at that! Zoe Saldana. And she’s the right color. If you’re not a racist.

“I suppose you didn’t deserve that one either.”

“No, that one I deserved.”

“You stole my boat.”

Colin:

Stole her boat? Commandeered. Nautical term.

“Actually…”

“Borrowed. Borrowed without permission. With every intention of bringing it back to you.”

“You’ll get another one.”

“I will.”

“A better one.”

“A better one!”

Colin:

It’s funny how Bloom suggests that the replacement will be better, and Depp’s got that reaction of, “Who taught this motherfucker how to scam a bitch? Well done, kid.”

There was a great scamming story from the summer after high school. I was with a bunch of my friends in my friend Dean’s minivan, and we were all headed to his family’s lake house (my whiteness is showing, isn’t it?). I think it was Senior Skip Day. Anyway, we pulled into a McDonald’s on the way and ordered a bunch of food. For whatever reason, they asked us to park and said they were gonna bring the food out. When they did, it looked like they’d shorted the order, even though they hadn’t. The chick ran inside and brought out a double cheeseburger and handed it to Dean through the window. Knowing we’d put one over on her, we all busted out laughing and she got to stand there and watch Dean peel out of the parking lot in this white Dodge minivan, yelling out the window, “Bitch, you just got scammed!”

“That one.”

“What one?”

I love how he’s like, “That one? But I like that one.”

Colin:

“Oh, you motherfucker. You never make promises unless sex is on the table.”

Colin:

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

“Aye, that one!”

“It’s frightful bad luck to bring a woman aboard, sir.”

Colin:

It’s bad luck to have…large…women aboard, anyway. That whole ‘loose lips sink ships’ thing…you can never be too careful.

That is a weirdly sexual phrase to be using so often nowadays. “Loose lips sink ships.” Do we ever think about what lips they’re talking about?

“It’d be far worse not to have her.”

Which is a funny line, but also – didn’t he know she was a woman when he hired her?

Colin:

Don’t turn down a chick on board. She looks like she a FREAK, too. I bet she’s got some weird fetish.

It’s weird how she just disappears after the first movie. He gives her the Pearl, and she gives it back to him later, and then she’s just gone.

And they replace her, a strong female character, with a racist voodoo woman.

And I think about this.

Colin:

What are they looking at?

Colin:

This is death weather. This is some shit — you live through it, you’re a shrimp magnate.

In this scene, Will asks Gibbs how they’re gonna find an island that doesn’t exist with a compass that doesn’t point north. And Gibbs says, “But we’re not trying to find north, are we?”

Not unless the place you’re going is in that direction. In which case… you might be trying to find north.

Rape.

Is showing off titties part of the ritual?

Colin:

It should be.

Great shot.

Colin:

Oh, see…I thought it looked like the rock vagina from Half-Blood Prince.

Colin:

Why are they all lined up? Shouldn’t they be up front trying to spot whatever fucked up all these other boats?

Colin:

Oh hell no. I don’t fucks wit sharks.

Will asks how Jack got that compass. Gibbs has no idea. No one really knows about Jack before he showed up on Tortuga. Back when he was captain of the Black Pearl.

Colin:

I’ll never get tired of the ridiculous way McNally talks in this movie.

“What?”

GPOY

“He plays things close to the vest now. A hard learned lesson it was.”

They were sailing for Isla de Muerta and the Cortes gold, and on the third night, Jack’s first mate said everything is an equal share, including the treasure. So he told him the coordinates.

Colin:

Better that you give up the bearings than give out the nappy dugout.

And then they mutineed.

Colin:

More mutinies.

“They marooned Jack on an island and left him to die. But not before he’d gone mad with the heat.”

”So that’s the reason for all the –”

“Reason’s got nothing to do with it.”

Colin:

Actually, it was in the news — one of Fletcher Christian’s direct descendants just passed away. If the name isn’t immediately familiar, Fletcher Christian was the guy who led the mutiny on the Bounty, and ended up being played by Clark Gable, Marlon Brando and Mel Gibson in the movies about the event. The coolest part is that this descendent was homeys with a direct descendent of William Bligh, the captain of the Bounty.

I just want to say for the record — I just got upset, thinking about the people who did not recognize either of those two names, Christian or Bligh.

Is it weird that I have more respect for bronies than I do for people who are ignorant of historical names and events (and people who don’t know movies they should know)?

Granted, not much more respect, but a smidgen. Kind of like how you pity someone instead of hate them.

People who don’t know history — I hate them.

“When a pirate’s marooned, he’s given a pistol with a single shot. One shot – well that won’t do much good a-huntin’ or to be rescued. But after three weeks of a starving belly and thirst, that pistol starts to look real friendly.”

“But Jack – he escaped the island, and he still has that single shot. Oh, he won’t use it, though, save a one man – his mutinous first mate.”

“Barbossa.”

Mr. Exposition.

Colin:

See, I’m into this grizzly pirate dude telling the story of a guy being marooned. And then Orlando has to jump in. “Barbossa.” Thanks for the exposition, dickbrain. When it’s coming from an awesome pirate dude, I’ll take it. But not from you.

“How did Jack get off the island?”

“He waded out into the shallows, and he waited there, three days and three nights, til all manner of sea creatures came a-climbin’ into his presence. Then on the fourth morning, he roped himself a couple of sea turtles, lashed ‘em together, and made a raft.”

Orlando Bloom is interested.

“He roped a couple of sea turtles?”

“Aye, sea turtles.”

Colin:

Best delivery in the film. “Aye, sea turtles.”

“What did he use for rope?”

“Human hair. From my back.”

Colin:

He doesn’t look particularly hairy.

It’s PG-13. He can’t say pubes.

“What if the worst should happen?”

“Keep to the code.”

Now this is funny to me. Since – isn’t this their island? Isn’t this all their plunder? Why are they coming home and playing with it like they just got it?

Colin:

#swag

Oh, they actually called it swag, which now makes me feel less pleased with myself.

Me hold are bursting with swag.

The should lift it up with two sticks, just for fun.

“Once we’re acquit of the curse, we’ll be rich men. And you can buy an eye will actually fit. That’s made of glass.”

“Stop rubbing it!”

They are gay, right? That’s the joke here?

Oh yeah.

Colin:

These two are retards. I have no use for them. But by Twilight standards, they’re brilliant characters. So…yeah

Colin:

“….gay.”

Colin:

And then he ~~has the pointy ears~~ does a gay little wave. Nice.

Colin:

YEAH CRAB MIKE’S CRAB NAME CHARLES

“What code is Gibbs to keep to if the worst should happen?”

“Pirates code. Any man who falls behind – is left behind.”

Pirates would have hated the 107th Congress.

“No honor amongst thieves, is there?”

“You know, for your bleak outlook on pirates, you’re well on your way to becoming one.”

“Sprung a man from jail, commandeered a ship of the fleet, sailed with a buccaneer crew out of Tortuga –”

Colin:

This actually looks like a Disney World ride.

“And you’re completely obsessed with treasure.”

And the punchline here is supposed to be Will saying, “That’s not true! I am not obsessed with treasure.” Only Orlando Bloom says things with such conviction that you don’t even realize it’s meant to be funny.

Colin:

Is that the Cross of Coronado? Indiana Jones is gonna be looking for that in about 200 years.

“Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.”

Oz shot.

And then they recap almost all the exposition – except one. But that’ll come later.

Colin:

He’s getting them riled. What’s the purpose? What are they gonna do the second the curse is lifted? I’m confused about the necessity for this enthusiasm. He’s only setting them up for more disappointment when it doesn’t work. Leaders need to be more tactful. Especially when you yourself have led a successful mutiny against a captain before.

The gold of Cortes himself.

Colin:

It’s funny to me how Geoffrey Rush can’t say “Cortes” without following it with the word “himself.”

Colin:

The monkey always knows. Oh, Marion Ravenwood.

“Wait for the opportune moment.”

“When’s that? When it’s of greatest profit to you?”

Colin:

You’re being a real dick, Orlando.

“Let me as you something – have I ever given you reason not to trust me?”

“Do us a favor – I know it’s difficult for you. But please – stay here. And try not to do anything stupid.”

“You know the first thing I’m goin’ to do after the curse is lifted — eat a whole bushel of apples.”

Colin:

Look at that face. His mouth is saying ‘bushel of apples’ but his face is saying ‘drown in da pussy.’

This shot.

Not really sure why they’re chanting. I guess it’s a guy thing.

Colin:

A creepy, shitty guy thing. Who CHANTS? What do you chant? I wouldn’t chant for shit.

“Sorry, Jack. I’m not gonna be your leverage.”

“That’s it?”

“Waste not.”

Colin:

That’s nice. He’s thinking.

Colin:

That’s a great image. You know this would have been in 3D now.

“Did it work?”

“I don’t feel no different.”

“How do we tell?”

“You’re not dead.”

“No.”

“He shot me!”

Colin:

Shoot your subordinates. Think of what would happen if he’d died. Although, maybe they’d have been so happy about the curse being lifted that they wouldn’t have done anything.

Would that have been a hate crime?

“Was your father William Turner?”

“Are you the child of William Turner?”

“No.”

“Then where is his child? The child who sailed from England eight years ago. The child in whose veins flows the blood of William Turner? Where?!”

This film is pimp smacks and tally hos.

Colin:

BACKHAND THE SHIT OUT THIS BITCH!

I like how he backhanded her before she could answer. Which means he really didn’t care about the answer and just wanted to hit her.

Colin:

Wait, AND he dropped the coin with her? That seems overly negligent. I’d hold onto that shit, especially considering that they’d being looking for it for that long.

“You two.”

“You brought us the wrong person!”

“No! She had the medallion. She’s the proper age!”

Colin:

Why do you sound like Samwise Gamgee? I think it was the inflection on “proper”…Sean Astin has a particular way about pronouncing p words.

He made a p-romise, Mister Frodo.

Colin:

It’s pretty hard to imagine a scenario in which you wake up a girl with a hand over her mouth and it going well.

Colin:

This black guy playing the bo’sun (Isaac C. Singleton Jr) is a character actor in whatever sort of movies. And I want that to change. Cause look at his face when they suggest murdering Keira Knightley. That’s priceless. “YEAH!”

“Spill all her blood. Just to be sure.” He’s thorough. I like that.

And now they’re all about to mutiny against Barbossa.

“The only coward here dare challenge me, let him speak.”

Colin:

Now they’re about to mutiny again. The question is, what do they think they’re gonna accomplish? Why are they whipping out swords? What is the “challenge” gonna be? Cause they can’t die.

My question is — that chest is pretty big. Pretty sure 882 pieces aren’t gonna fill that whole chest up. Which means the inside of that chest only goes down about halfway at best. Which is really just a waste of a treasure chest.

“The medallion! She’s taken it!”

Colin:

That’s the nice thing about having such a powerful motivator as this curse. He’s the one who smacked her silly and dropped the coin (why does he refer to it as a medallion?) next to her on the ground, so it’s directly his fault that it’s now gone missing. But when he tells them to go get it, they just do because that means more to them than pointing out that it was his fault.

Colin:

“FIND THEM!” Yeah, this guy needs to be in more stuff. He’s got a brutality to his voice that I enjoy. And he backhanded the shit out of Keira Knightley. That looks good on a resume.

“The oars have gone missing. Find them!”

Colin:

“I am…fucked up.”

I love how concussions in this franchise ain’t shit. EVERYONE be getting hit in the face with oars.

Colin:

People are knocked out with surprising regularity in this franchise.

Orlando Bloom got hit in the fucking chin with a plank before and nothing happened. It’s pretty great how blatant a disregard pirates have for severe brain injuries.

Colin:

Well, that’s where the oars went. If they were really that desperate, they could just have a few guys push the boats by kicking.

“You’re supposed to be dead!”

“Am I not?”

Colin:

His lack of concern among dangerous people is spectacular. That’s what makes you like a character. If someone can be surrounded by people that could end him in a second, but decides to just talk to them like they ain’t shit…they’re okay in my book.

“Parleley.”

“Parlelellyleloooo, par le nee, partner, par… snip, parsley…”

“Parlay?”

“That’s the one! Parlay!”

“Parlay!”

Colin:

More comic relief with the morons.

“Damn to the depths whatever man that thought of parlay.”

“That would be the French.”

Colin:

This parlay bit was done way more extensively in ad-lib. They showed it in the deleted scenes. He talks about how they invented parlay and mayonnaise. Everyone cracked up.

“You’re not pirates?”

“Welcome aboard, Miss Elizabeth.”

Colin:

She’s on the boat, but she doesn’t quite recognize this guy from her youth. Why he’d be here, that is. Why she even remembers his name is beyond me.

“Hey, boy, where be Jack?”

“Jack? Jack Sparrow?”

“He fell behind.”

“Keep to the code.”

Colin:

Is there a moment in this franchise where someone says “fuck the code?” I really don’t know. I’ve only seen two or three of these, and I honestly can’t remember if it was two or three.

“How the blazes did you get off that island?”

“When you marooned me on that god-forsaken spit of land, you forgot one very important thing, mate.”

“I’m Captain Jack Sparrow.”

Colin:

I wanna get to that point where my name alone is explanation for whatever you bring up. “When you marooned me on that island, you forgot one thing, mate — I’m Captain Jack Sparrow.” This is like the rap lyric that I’ve always loved for the same reason. “Bodies bein’ found on Greenleaf / Wit they fuckin’ heads cut off / Motherfucker, I’m Dre.” As if one being Dre was a legitimate reason for there to be decapitated bodies in the vicinity. That’s crazy awesome to me.

“Well I won’t be making that mistake again.”