Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003), Part IV — “I Love Watching People’s True Loves Explode”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. Part IV.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin (whose blog is TokyoRemix.com. Fuck yeah, promotion!), who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the fourth part of The Curse of the Black Pearl:

We begin Part IV on the open sea.

Colin:

Seriously, with these shots. Damn. Looks nice as hell.

“What sort of man trades a man life for a ship?”

“A pirate.”

“You said you gave Barbossa my name as yours. Why?”

Colin:

Dude, don’t ask questions. This chick is pretending to have your last name. Roll with that. She’s looking to make that lie a truth.

She want the D.

“Don’t stop.”

Colin:

Don’t stop WHAT?

Don’t stop bandaging her hand because she just had a fucking rusty knife cut into it.

That was easy.

Oh… right, I forgot. This is this kind of movie. We have to wait until the end.

Colin:

We like where this is going — oh, oh…oh.

“It’s yours.”

“I thought I’d lost it the day they rescued me.”

You know what it is?

And how do you not know exactly what the situation is right now?

“It was a gift from my father.”

Realizations!

“Why did you take it?”

Colin:

Thanks for the exposition that we didn’t need. Now how about not sounding like a douchebag when you ask her why she took it.

“Because I was afraid that you were a pirate.”

“It wasn’t your blood they needed.”

Please end the scene right here. I know it won’t. But you really should.

Colin:

Nobody wants a woman’s blood. That sure doesn’t stop them.

“It was my father’s blood. My blood.”

Yes, thank you.

Colin:

This is another Aragorn thing. I don’t even have the same blood TYPE as my father, let alone the same blood.

”KHAN!!!”

“The blood of a pirate.”

“I’m so sorry, please forgive me.”

*zip*

Or slam your hand down on the table. I guess that works too.

Colin:

“WAHH I’M HAVING IDENTITY ISSUES SO PUSSY ISN’T ON MY AGENDA RIGHT NOW!” I oughta smack the ever loving shit out of you.

“So you expect to leave me standing on some beach with nothing but a name and your word it’s the one I need and watch you sail away on my ship.”

Colin:

Yet again, standing on a beach isn’t a problem for someone who can walk or swim indefinitely underwater.

“No, I expect to leave you standing on some beach with absolutely no name at all –“

“Watching me sail away on my ship, and then I’ll shout the name back to you.”

Colin:

I love that. “Oh, you’re complaining about these terms, motherfucker? Cause they get worse.”

That still leaves him with the problem of him standing on a beach with his word that it’s the name he needs.

“Of the two of us, I’m the one who hasn’t committed mutiny. Therefore, my word is the one we’ll be trusting.”

Colin:

He can hold that mutiny over Barbossa forever. They can be best friends and roommates in the future and it’ll still be, “Hey Jack, it’s your turn to take out the trash.” “Oh, yeah, I was thinking about that. And remember that time you stole my subordinates and my livelihood and then left me to die?”

“Although, I guess I should be thanking you, because, in fact, if you hadn’t betrayed me and left me to die, I would have an equal share in that curse, same as you.”

“Funny old world, isn’t it?”

Colin:

Why do they have fresh apples all the time? They don’t eat, and they’re sailing places for days and weeks at a time.

Colin:

“I oughta hit this motherfucker with a rock.”

But uh oh – they’re catching up.

“What say we run up a flag of truce, I scurry over to the Interceptor, and I negotiate the return of your medallion, eh? What say you to that?”

“Now Jack, that’s exactly the attitude that lost you the Pearl. People are easy to search when they’re dead.”

Colin:

Unless the battle almost sinks the ship and the medallion gets lost in the fray. Which is entirely possible.

“Lock him in the brig.”

There’s a shot.

Colin:

That’s a pretty intense moment from Barbossa. He’s just staring at this apple for a few seconds. “I wanna eat you, but I can’t. You think you’re better than me? Fuck you, apple, I still have power over you. How you like salt water? There you go.”

“This is the fastest ship on the Caribbean.”

“You can tell them that after they’ve caught us.”

They’re gonna try to lose them on the shoals.

Colin:

It’s nice that they set up this plan to head for the shoals before shit goes awry. Twilight would just skip this altogether and make shit go wrong from the start.

That really was the worst franchise I’ve ever seen.

But you have seen it.

“There’s a leak.”

Is that a glory hole for a ship?

Colin:

Those aren’t really gonna work at their current angle.

Why was Roger so jolly?

Colin:

He had nothing but funny bones.

Colin:

Shit, those oars look badass. 41’s down there rowing like a motherfucker.

Colin:

I want an aura of mist and dark clouds that follows me.

So they’re just gonna load the guns with anything they have left.

Colin:

Seriously, they should have been dumping the cutlery and random shit before they dumped the CANNONBALLS.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

Colin:

That flask isn’t gonna hurt anyone. And look at McNally’s face. He’s bummed. You just took the man’s flask. That’s fucked up. He’s gonna need that.

“Lower the anchor on the right side.”

“Certainly has the element of surprise.”

“You’re daft, lady. You both are!”

“Daft like Jack.”

Colin:

So she’s crazy, but the fact that she’s crazy in such a way that reminds you of another crazy person makes it okay?

“Good… good.”

Colin:

Where do you buy monkey clothes? Where DID you buy monkey clothes back then?

Even more pertinent — who dressed that monkey? And how did it allow itself to be dressed? Usually, if you touch a monkey, it freaks out.

Colin:

That is a gutsy maneuver. I guess that’s as close as you can get to a handbrake turn in a boat.

And of course Barbossa knows the term for it. Clubhauling. That’s a great word. I want that word to mean other shit.

This is great. Just yelling at each other from the passing little portholes.

You know what the problem with this is? Only one of you can be killed.

Colin:

What do they hope to accomplish in this stand? Again, the whole ‘they can’t die’ thing really ruins the action of it all.

“Stop blowing holes in my ship!”

This shot amuses me, because I think about how they got it, which is — “All right, you two look into the camera and give mean faces, and we’ll track back.” And they literally called action, they made mean faces, and the camera pulled back for about four seconds, and they called cut.

Oh, nice. Okay, I approve, then. You’re off the hook, shorty.

Colin:

Correct. Booze.

Colin:

Ah. And only after realizing there was no booze does he see that the cell door is now open. Cause let’s be real — it’s better to be drunk in a cell than sober outside. Depending on the circumstances. Like if the outside is a battle and the booze isn’t gin.

Is there a brand or a drink called “Gin-ny Weasley”?

Tit grab.

There’s a fun moment where Zoe Saldana’s like, “Well, they just want the girl, so if we give her up, they’ll leave us alone.”

Colin:

How Avatarded are you? They’re not gonna stop this whole thing if you give up Keira.

Colin:

“I don’t move for shit, and that’s why I’m captain.”

Colin:

Yeah, that’ll get everyone’s attention. During a fucking naval battle.

“Thanks very much.”

Colin:

This is the part where for action’s sake, people need to be getting wiped out, but the pirates can’t die and the main crew on The Interceptor won’t die cause we’ve met them. Mr. Cotton and all of them, they won’t die. So who’s dying? Who’s getting thrown into the water? All the crew members we didn’t meet, I guess?

”Jack!”

“Bloody empty.”

Colin:

The flask is empty and of everything right now, THAT’S the bad news.

That would be my reaction to that as well.

A ha. You got bested by a monkey.

And now you’re gonna drown with that stupid goatee.

“That’s not very nice.”

Colin:

That’s really all they can hope to do in this scenario. Kick the cursed pirates overboard.

“Where’s the medallion?”

“Wretch!”

“A ha. Where is the William?”

Colin:

She was gonna smack him. He’s too good for that. Women are too smacky these days.

He’s fine.

Colin:

Now you’re gonna drown as your girl gets raped. That’s gotta be a good feeling.

Colin:

squirrel monkey

“Why thank you, Jack.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Not you, we named the monkey Jack.”

Colin:

This monkey has good smile timing. Monkeys are awesome.

Great way to light gunpowder.

Colin:

That looks like ze quick fuse.

Colin:

That shit got Michael Bay’ed.

Colin:

“WILL!” This is this franchise’s “RACHEL! RACHEL!” I love watching people’s true loves explode.

“Welcome back, Miss. You took advantage of our hospitality last time. It holds fair now you return the favor.”

This reminds me of that great shot in Ocean’s Eleven, where the hotel is exploding behind Don Cheadle and he’s watching it on the television.

Colin:

This is bullshit. They’re not even grabbing her in the good parts.

“Barbossa!”

Oh—kay.

Maybe a little explanation as to how he got out.

Colin:

Aw, the douche is back.

“Will.”

FYI, I cut out at least a dozen instances so far where all they do is say or shout each other’s names.

Someone should seriously make a tally of this.

Because I’ll do it.

Colin:

This pirate next to Keira has exactly the right idea. His left eye closes halfway and he’s ready to cap this fool.

“She goes free.”

“You’ve only got one shot. And we can’t die.”

Colin:

That’s a pretty good answer. “You ain’t shit, and we can’t die. Your turn.”

“Don’t do anything stupid.”

“You can’t.”

Colin:

Are you noticing how the smoldering remains of The Interceptor are now on the wrong side of the ship? Barbossa was standing on the side Will is on now when it blew up and he threw Keira to the guys on the other side of the ship. Now all of a sudden, the wreck is on the other side.

“I can.”

“Like that.”

“Who are you?”

Colin:

“Who the fuck are you? Why should I give a shit?” A just question, my liege.

“No one! Distant cousin of my aunt’s second nephew twice removed.”

“Lovely singing voice, though. Eunuch!”

Colin:

Eunuch! Everyone loves a eunuch joke. I wonder if kids watching this knew that he was accusing Orlando Bloom of having been castrated.

“My name is Will Turner. My father was Bootstrap Bill Turner.”

“On my word, do as I say, or I’ll pull this trigger, and be lost to Davy Jones’ Locker.”

“Name your terms, Mr. Turner.”

He pretty much can ask for anything right now. How much you wanna bet he fucks it up?

“Elizabeth goes free!”

“Yes, we know that one. Anything else?”

“And the crew. The crew are not to be harmed.”

Colin:

You know what this is. SAY SOMETHING.

“Agreed.”

Best way to agree to anything, really.

“Barbossa you lying bastard!”

Colin:

Keira went through this before. You’d think she’d have been like, “Make him do all this other bullshit, too!” She should have seen this coming.

“Don’t dare impune me honor, boy. I agreed she’d go free, but it was you who failed to specify when or where.”

Colin:

Geoffrey Rush’s “when or whe-he-here!” is also making a run for best delivery.

“Though it does seem a shame to lose something so fine, don’t it lads?”

“So I’ll be having that dress back before you go.”

“I always liked you.”

Colin:

DMX!

Colin:

Yeah! Gilligan this ho!

Colin:

These guys do creepy way too well for a kids’ movie.

Can we talk about how that guy’s goatee is tattooed on?

“Too long!”

Colin:

Tension builds, and then the bo’sun decides that he’s had enough of her shit.

“I really rather hoped we were past all this.”

“Jack… Jack! Did you not notice?”

“That be the same little island we made you governor of on our last little trip.”

“I did notice.”

“Perhaps you’ll be able to conjure up another miraculous escape. But I doubt it.”

“Last time you left me a pistol with one shot.”

“By the powers, you’re right. Where be Jack’s pistol?”

“Seeing as there’s two of us, a gentleman would give us a pair of pistols.”

“It’ll be one pistol, as before. And you can be the gentleman, and shoot the lady, and starve to death yourself.”

Colin:

There’s fish like crazy around here. You’re telling me you’d starve? You could spear-fish.

Colin:

This is where I’d be out of a pistol. They throw it in the water, and my hands are tied? Yeah, that shit’s gone for good.

“That’s the second time I’ve had to watch that man sail away on my ship.”

Colin:

Nice island. Maybe not to be marooned on. Gimme some Ginger and Maryann and we’ll talk.

This is doubly amusing to me.

No one else knows why, but… I do.

“But you were marooned on this island before, weren’t you? So we can escape the same way you did then.”

Colin:

How does she know he was marooned here? She was in the water, swimming here by the time they revealed that.

“To what point and purpose, young missy? Unless you have a rudder and a lot of sails hidden in that bodice –”

“Unlikely.”

Colin:

I’d like to find out whether or not she has a rudder and a lot of sails hidden in that bodice.

“Young Mr. Turner will be dead long before you can reach him.”

“But you’re Captain Jack Sparrow.”

“You vanished from under the eyes of seven agents of the East India Company.”

How do you know that?

Colin:

She has a guy.

“You sacked Nassau port without even firing a shot.”

“Are you the pirate I’ve read about or not?”

“How did you escape last time?”

Colin:

That scab’s getting bigger.

Ha ha. The Voldemort thing.

Colin:

I assume you mean when he’s talking to Neville. Cause that was great.

“Last time, I was here a grand total of three days. All right?”

“Last time, the rum runners used this island as a cache, and came by and I was able to barter passage off.”

What I love about this moment is how you can see the water in his eyes. It’s actually painful to him to destroy the great image people have of him. This is actually a huge character moment for him, being on this island again, and it’s something the later films don’t do very well at all. It’s things like this that got him the Best Actor nomination.

“From the looks of things, they’ve long since been out of business. We probably have your bloody friend Norrington to thank for that.”

Rum.

“So that’s it, then? That’s the secret grand adventure of the infamous Jack Sparrow? You spent three days lying on a beach drinking rum?”

Colin:

Rum. That’ll mess you up.

“Welcome to the Caribbean, love.”

Colin:

How obviously trailer tag can you get?

Colin:

She really shouldn’t be pissed. Sometimes people get lucky. That doesn’t mean he didn’t sack Nassau without firing a shot. He still did all that other badass stuff.

That’s really the only way to do this. Get drunk around a fire and sing “Yo Ho, a Pirate’s Life for Me.”

Colin:

Drunkenness.

“Really bad eggs!”

“When I get the Pearl back, I’m gonna teach it to the whole crew.”

“Then you’ll positively the most fearsome pirate in the Spanish Main.”

“Not just the Spanish Main, love. The entire ocean. The entire world.”

Colin:

He might not end up being the most fearsome pirate in the whole ocean, cause at this point he already knows about Davy Jones.

Yeah, but he’s shithoused. He can say what he wants.

“That’s what a ship is, you know. It’s not just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails – that’s what a ship needs. But what a ship is – what the Black Pearl really is –”

“Is freedom.”

Great character stuff here. And they’re doing it entirely the right way.

“Jack – it must be really terrible for you to be trapped on this island.”

One two three four FIF!

I never touched that girl.

Colin:

He sure did.

“Mr. Sparrow – I’m not entirely sure that I’ve had enough rum to allow that kind of talk.”

“I know exactly what you mean, love.”

Colin:

OH HE’S A MUSTACHE TWIRLER BITCH GET OUTTA THERE

Motion to start calling picking up chicks at a bar, “Roping a couple of sea turtles.”

You know… for when you’re clubhauling.

“To freedom!”

“To the Black Pearl.”

I like that little moment of suspicion there.

Colin:

What, has she been dumping it the whole time? There’s no way she’s kept up with him.

Colin:

Great image. GREAT image.

“No!”

“No! Not good!”

“What are you doing? You’ve burned all the food. The shade. The rum!”

Colin:

He’s right, though. The food, the shade…these are important things. Then again, she has a point.

“Yes, the rum is gone.”

“Why is the rum gone?!”

“One, because it is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels.”

Colin:

Stop being such a fucking Puritan.

“Two – that signal is over a thousand feet high. The entire Royal Navy is out looking for me. Do you really think that there is even the slightest chance that they won’t see it?”

“But why is the rum gone?”

“You give it one hour, maybe two. Keep a weather eye open and you’ll see white sails on that horizon.”

Colin:

I think this is my favorite image of this scene. Cause it’s a cross between utter panic and a genuine fear of what you might do to someone else. There’s so much in this pose, it’s great.

That reaction is amazing.

Colin:

CO. RECT. “If I had a rock, I would bust yo head!”

“It must have been terrible for you, Jack! It must have been terrible! WELL IT BLOODY IS NOW!”

“There’ll be no living with her after this.”

Colin:

When you’re actually sort of on the right side of an argument and then out of nowhere the wrong side ends up being right — whether or not it’s a fluke, that shit hurts.

She wants to go save Will. They ain’t doing shit.

Colin:

Not a fan of your doily bib.

“The boy’s fate is regrettable. But then so is his decision to engage in piracy.”

Colin:

Spoken like a true politician.

“To rescue me! To prevent anything from happening to me.”

You got ash on yo forehead.

“If I may be so bold as to inject my professional opinions –”

I like when people start sentences with “If I may be so bold,” because they already are.

He says the Pearl was messed up after the battle. It’s not likely it’ll be making good time.

“Think about it – the Black Pearl. The last real pirate threat in the Caribbean, mate. How can you pass that up, right?”

“By remembering that I serve others, Mr. Sparrow. Not only myself.”

Colin:

It’s always funny when tightlaced bastards get upset when someone invades their bubble.

“Commodore, I beg you. Please do this. For me. As a wedding gift.”

Colin:

She’s playing everyone in this movie. She’s a fucking con artist. And using her sexuality multiple times too. That’s fucked up.

Colin:

Where’s that guy going? Is it really necessary he go up there right now?

“A wedding. I love weddings. Drinks all around!”

“I know.”

“Mr. Sparrow – you will accompany these fine men to the helm and provide us with a bearing to Isla de Muerta. You will then spend the rest of the voyage contemplating all possible meanings of the phrase ’silent as the grave.’ Do I make myself clear?”

Colin:

HAHAHAHA he thinks they’re fine men

“Inescapably.”

And that is inescapably the END OF PART IV.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part V, and hopefully the rum’ll come back.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)

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