Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003), Part V — “That’s a Great Way to Accept Your Fate. Covered in Jewels”

Today we continue with another entry in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. Part V.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the fifth and final part of The Curse of the Black Pearl:

We begin Part V on the Black Pearl.

Pretty sure that’s not cleaning that floor.

Colin:

You’re cleaning up a prison and being taunted by a bird. You’ve come a long way.

But then we get a whole exposition scene about Bootstrap Bill Turner. He never liked what they did to Jack, so he sent off a piece of the treasure to Will. (I’m assuming this is after they figured out the curse and tried to get it back, otherwise that wouldn’t be such a big deal at all.)

Colin:

Of course Will’s dad has to be the only pirate that wasn’t a shithead.

So they strapped a cannon to Bootstrap’s bootstraps, and dumped him overboard.

Colin:

Seems like a waste of a cannon. Cannons were hard to come by.

Also, wouldn’t the cannon just rip the bootstraps off and go into the sea? It seems like not only would you waste the cannon, but it wouldn’t take him down with it. Unless you tied him entirely to the cannon, which would really negate the wordplay of your story.

“Of course it was only after that we realized we needed his blood to lift the curse.”

(And I think about this.)

“Now that’s what you call ironic.”

Somebody call Alanis.

Colin:

I like Geoffrey Rush, and he has disdain for these two. So I don’t know if I have more disdain for them cause Geoffrey Rush does, or if I like Geoffrey Rush more because he also has disdain for them. Possibly both. Let’s go with both.

But this is the shot that’ll be shown in an “In Memoriam” slideshow should these actors both die around the same time.

I actually do that now. When I see old actors in something when they were younger. I go, “That’s an In Memorium clip.”

By the way — Abe Vigoda — still alive.

Jack’s gonna go in and help them ambush the crew.

Colin:

That’s a shitty commander. The sort who just thinks aloud all the time to nobody in particular. Keep that shit to yourself, man.

Jack says he’ll go in there, lure them out and they’ll kill them. He asks what Norrington has to lose.

“Nothing I’d lament being rid of.”

Colin:

Is that a jab at Depp? Aw. That’s not nice.

“There’s still a slight risk to those aboard the Dauntless, which includes the future Mrs. Commodore.”

“This is Jack Sparrow’s doing!”

She tries to explain the curse and all, but, she sounds like an idiot.

Colin:

First of all, she does sound like a fucking crazy person. But secondly, he’s being a dick. That little eyebrow action with the chuckle is gonna get him into a world of trouble. You wanna get ahead in life? Don’t antagonize your boss’ wife. I hope you like middle management, cause that’s your LIFE now.

Colin:

He’s rowing this boat with fantastic self-satisfaction.

Colin:

I like that. This is sort of like the cave from You Only Live Twice.

Or so it seems.

The cave is actually shaped like Donald Duck’s asshole.

Or even a deer’s asshole.

(And you thought that would never come up again, didja?)

No mistakes this time. They’re gonna “spill it all.” Just to be sure.

Colin:

They are correct. I’d drip this motherfucker dry. Just to be sure.

It’ll rust the hell out of that gold, though.

“Jack!”

“It’s not possible.”

“Not probable.”

Colin:

This is such a money moment. You always love that moment when the cool character’s supposed to be dead and he just shows up again. Like Indiana Jones. “I’m like a bad penny. I always turn up.”

“Where’s Elizabeth?”

“She’s safe, just like I promised. She’s all set to marry Norrington, just like she promised, and you get to die for her just like you promised.”

“So we’re all men of our word, really.”

“Except for Elizabeth, who is, in fact, a woman.”

“Shut up. You’re next.”

Colin:

“The FUCK is this guy talking about?”

“You don’t want to be doing that.”

“No, I really think I do.”

“Your funeral.”

Colin:

“Please just cut to the chase. I can’t take your bullshit anymore.” What an eye roll.

“Why don’t I want to be doing it?”

“Well because –“

“Because the HMS Dauntless – pride of the Royal Navy – is floating just offshore, waiting for you.”

Colin:

This is a weird universe where England runs everything, and the Royal Navy is just fucking everywhere.

They go over the plan. They’re not doing what Jack suggested. Why?

Colin:

This goon has such a goofy accent. “Chickens go in, pies come out.”

“Because it was Mr. Sparrow who said it.”

Colin:

“Morons. I’ve got morons on my team.”

And he tells them to kill the Brits.

“And there you are with two ships. The makings of your very own fleet.”

“Of course you’ll take the grandest as your flagship, and who’s to argue?”

“But what of the Pearl?”

Colin:

The Dauntless is pretty sweet, but I’d take the Pearl in a second. Speed matters more in these naval altercations. Does no one remember the Battle of Gravelines? Or the Battle of Cyzicus? Does ANYONE read naval history? You know I Alfred Thayer Mahan-dle my shit.

That was nerdy beyond all conception.

But, if you’re Barbossa — don’t you take the Dauntless precisely because you won’t have to go into battle with it? If you have the Pearl, then that’s your general ship. And you get to chill in the nice houses. You get to be General Cornwallis while Colonel Tavington is going and stabbing bitches.

“Name me captain. I’ll sail under your colors, give you ten percent of me plunder, and you get to introduce yourself as Commodore Barbossa.”

Colin:

This is a great deal. You go out, take this big, bad ship to add to your already awesome ship, and then become a pirate COMMODORE with your own fleet and vassals and shit. I think yes. Vessels and vassals.

“Savvy?”

“I suppose in exchange you want me not to kill the whelp.”

“No, no, no, by all means, kill the whelp.”

So my country can be free?

“Just not yet.”

“Wait to lift the curse until the opportune moment.”

“For instance –”

“After you’ve killed Norrington’s men.”

“Every.”

“Last.”

“One.”

Colin:

That’s a pretty creepy hand gesture. I wanna learn how to palm shit.

”You’ve been planning this from the beginning. Ever since you learned my name.”

“Yeah.”

“I want fifty percent of your plunder.”

“Fifteen.”

“Forty.”

“Twenty-five.”

“I’ll buy you the hat.”

Colin:

Throw in the bullshit condition before he’s got a chance to say 35 percent. Like that extra 10 percent he was about to demand wouldn’t get him a baller hat.

“All hands to the boats!”

“Gents – take a walk.”

Colin:

He calls them “gents” a lot. And gents they are not.

“Not to the boats?”

Colin:

I’ve never held a torch before and I want that to change.

Colin:

Oh, something special for these two.

Weird how the moonlight shows up at the exact right moments.

(P.S. The moon really did hit them just right.)

Colin:

This is the kind of seabed that you’re cool with. I’m from New England, so when I think of the seabed, it’s all rocky, slimy and covered in nasty (but delicious) shelled creatures. This is just clean and sandy. I can deal with that.

Colin:

This image. This is the image from this movie, honestly. And I’ve said it before — there need to be more images of ranks advancing. It’s awesome. But this is the shot that Eclipse stole as the vampire army showed up in the Forks area by way of a lake.

Like, blatantly so, too.

Colin:

That CGI isn’t quite there, is it? Eh, oh well.

This is one of those touches that, in a lesser film (and also here), make you go, “Really? Did we need this?”

His liver is so fucked.

Colin:

House really ruined us. A lot of things really ruined us. We were ruined to begin with.

You can tell we were long-since ruined the day when all we did for like an hour was search for people deliberately ingesting ipecac and vomiting on video, and everyone else thought it was disgusting and left, and we were like, “What the fuck are you talking about? It’s hilarious!”

Colin:

This is…just like Troy. If by “just” you mean “nothing.”

Of course this is happening now.

“Even a good decision made for the wrong reasons, can be a wrong decision.”

Colin:

Even a good decision, if made for the wrong reasons, can be a bad decision? Does that mean you’re NOT proud of her? Cause you just told her you couldn’t tell her how proud of her you were.

Colin:

Y’all are fucked.

Colin:

Where’d that teeny boat come from? I don’t see where it was tied up.

Colin:

There’s no image of it, but when this guy goes down, you see his legs and that he’s wearing spats. And there should be more spats in the world.

Well that’s a throat.

Colin:

This is all making noise, by the way. That was a full-grown man hitting a wooden deck and the butt of his musket making an audible thud. Plus, they’re all making bone noises on wood. Whatever bone sounds like on wood.

Colin:

There you go. You two fucked it up again.

Colin:

I like yo boobies, statue.

“I must admit, Jack… I thought I had you figured. But it turns out, you’re a hard man to predict.”

“Me, I’m just dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly.”

Colin:

Look at that. A skull with a crown. And another random jumble of plunder. With pearls, of course, cause otherwise you don’t know it’s valuable.

“It’s the honest ones you want to watch out for. Because you can never predict when they’re going to do something incredibly–”

“– stupid.”

Colin:

I’d have just spent a bunch of time chilling right here. This seemed like a pretty arbitrary way for him to betray Barbossa. Just hang out being buddies for a while. The battle’s still happening.

“You’re off the edge of the map, mate. Here there be monsters.”

Colin:

And then an awesome riff.

And here comes dumbass Elizabeth Swann.

Colin:

I’m real sick of your shit, monkey.

Colin:

Where is this cake from? Where is this fruit and stuff from? They just had a battle and then came here straightaway! And they’re not baking on this ship.

Colin:

Monkeys falling down, monkeys smoking, monkeys laughing at people…these are all hilarious things. Invariably.

Colin:

THIS is when you noticed? You need the BELL to alert you to trouble? It’s not that far away and there’s a full on BATTLE raging on this motherfucker.

Colin:

STAB YO DUMB BELL RINGIN ASS

Colin:

He’s scared, but not scared enough that you’re taking his weave.

Colin:

Norrington’s all, “Acquire a measure of it! Acquire a measure of it!” Because you know, Charles does not partake in the mounting of surf boards.

Colin:

This is like in A Bridge Too Far when they’re crossing the river under heavy artillery fire and Robert Redford’s saying Hail Marys.

“You can’t beat me, Jack.”

Colin:

Yeah, we all saw where this was going when he palmed the thing.

“That’s interesting.”

“Couldn’t resist, mate.”

Colin:

I can’t tell if all his gold teeth are silver now. That’d be kind of a cool switch.

The one thing I never got was – so does the stab not go through when they’re “dead” like that? Does it heal quicker? Because Rush dies with bullet later on. So does the bald dude not die from being shot earlier? How does that work?

Colin:

This bit where Barbossa’s falling down the stairs and he goes from normal to skeleton a few times quickly — you can tell that they tried to make this look like not a huge deal, but to them it was kind of a huge deal.

Colin:

This hand is looking to rip your dick off. Throw that shit out the fucking window.

Colin:

Don’t lean back on a chest that’s shaking and covered in candles while you’re wearing an enormous, powdered wig. For fuck’s sake, man, you look like a public service announcement slideshow from OSHA.

Colin:

Why are they still even fighting? Neither of them can die.

“So what now, Jack Sparrow? It’ll be two immortals, locked in an epic battle until Judgment Day and trumpets sound?”

“Or you could surrender.”

Colin:

Jack’s supposed to be the worst swordsman. Barbossa and Norrington are evenly matched and Will’s the best.

Just like Home Alone.

Colin:

That’s a shot of many bones falling in the water.

She thinks they’re gonna go save Jack and Will.

Pirates code.

“You’re pirates. Hang the code and hang the rules. They’re more like guidelines anyway.”

“Bloody pirates…”

Colin:

Hahaha silly bitch, they don’t care about your piece of ass.

And you think they’re gonna listen to her. And that doesn’t happen at all.

“They’re stealing our ship!”

“Bloody pirates!”

I like how that gets thrown around by pirates to pirates.

Colin:

How are there still British soldiers to kill at this point? These guys are almost as efficient at killing British soldiers than George Washington.

Colin:

Hint: cut those ropes.

Colin:

Yeah, that eye matters.

Colin:

I hope you both die.

Ethan Edwards:

That’ll be the day.

Colin:

(His Ward is his Bond.)

Colin:

Also, don’t yell before combat. That’s saying, “I’m right here! Kill me first!”

LOOK WHO’S BACK!

YES!

“Where the fuck did he come from?”

Oh, great. Now it’s everyone beat the Chinaman day.

She even says, “Do you like pain? Try wearing a corset.”

Colin:

Ah….the awful girl power line. I really do hate these lines. “I am no man! AHH!” That bullshit. This is the sort of thing that actually limits her to her gender more so than if she’d showed up and been like, “KE KAH!”

“Whose side is Jack on?”

“At the moment?”

Colin:

This whole time they’re watching the Depp-Rush fight, the other pirates are in the background doing nothing special. Cause that’s how conflict works.

“No fair.”

Colin:

This is called walk the fuck back into the light. Also, how does being inside a human body not put out a fuse?

Goddamn, that’s COLD BLOODED!

That works?

Colin:

Oh they shootin’.

Her negro didn’t turn on.

Colin:

I’m sure there’s a good reason for that.

“Ten years you carry that pistol and now you waste your shot.”

“He didn’t waste it.”

Drip drip drip.

Colin:

He shoots, yes. But the curse isn’t lifted for a second after this. So how long does it take for them to heal up? If they take a bullet in their cursed state but out of the moonlight, it stays in them but doesn’t kill them? How long does it take to get fixed? Cause Barbossa shot the other dude as a test earlier, and that wasn’t TOO long ago. But now the curse is lifted and we see he’s cool.

“I feel… cold.”

He had that randomly in his hand?

Colin:

Aw. All he wanted was an apple.

What was that little track in for? Confirmed kill?

Colin:

That’s some blood right there. That must suck for him, only finding out that the curse is lifted cause he’s about to die.

Colin:

Yeah, I bet that hand looks gross…although it would’ve looked and smelled like that in the cabinet anyway because we all know that cabinets are moonlight proof.

“Parlay?”

Colin:

They’re all gonna be hung anyway, no?

“The ship is ours, gentleman.”

Who can pass up a good “Huzzah!”

Colin:

Huzzah, bitches.

A HA HA. He’s so out of tune it’s great.

Colin:

Pryce is such a tool. I love it.

Nice shot.

Colin:

How do they know shit’s okay on The Dauntless? They should be rushing back to help. This is one of those — the action ends favorable in two different locations and the winners don’t immediately head to the other location to check up on shit.

And now there’s this bullshit to take care of.

It’s gonna happen.

Only –

Colin:

I don’t trust women back then to not have fuzzy mustaches or weird body hair.

“Your fiancée will be wanting to know you’re safe.”

And then she flees.

It’s like Safari Zona.

Wild Keira Fled!

She’s kind of like a Chansey.

But only if that Chansey wanted to fuck you.

“If you were waiting for the opportune moment – that was it.”

“Now I’d be much obliged if you’d drop me off my ship.”

“I’m sorry, Jack.”

“They done what’s right by them. You can’t expect more than that.”

Colin:

That’s a great way to accept your fate. Covered in jewels.

Colin:

You bought to get hung.

“Jack Sparrow –”

“Captain! CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow.”

“This is wrong.”

Then they go over his crimes.

Colin:

Oh shit. I haven’t seen this movie since like 2004. And at that time, I hadn’t seen The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Well, I had, but I didn’t love it and care about it the way I do now. I completely forgot that’s what this scene is.

One of which is “impersonating a cleric of the Church of England.”

“Oh yeah…”

Colin:

“Haha oh man, I forgot about that shit, that was hilarious.” And now I’m trying to imagine him pretending to be a priest, and all I’m getting is Nicolas Cage in a frock.

Colin:

That is indeed how you react to Nicolas Cage in a frock.

Colin:

Cotton’s bird. That shit’s going down.

“Governor Swann… Commodore… Elizabeth.”

I should have told you every day from the moment I met you – I love you.”

Colin:

“Hey man. Wanna hang?” “Ah, I’m all tied up at the moment.”

help me you guys

When in doubt – faint.

Colin:

The girl who cried autoerotic self asphyxiation?

Colin:

Someone’s got a pimp cane. Someone’s awesome.

Colin:

That is a VERY good trick.

Colin:

“What’s this all abo– oh, you may be my daughter, but you’re a cunt. You got that from your mother. She’s dead.”

Colin:

HIT YA WITHCHA OWN PIMP!

CLOTHESLINE!

TRIP UP!

Whatever that one was!

Do a barrel roll!

Colin:

This is all pretty heavily choreographed. Like, a Rush Hour 2 level of choreographed.

“I thought we might have to endure some manner of ill-conceived escape attempt.”

“But not from you.”

Governor Swann apparently granted clemency, and now he’s throwing in his lot with Jack, “a pirate.”

Colin:

Clemency. That’s a funny word.

And why did Norrington’s sword go from left shoulder to right shoulder? This is a continuity error I can’t understand. Some things, sure. But you’d think Bloom would remember which side of his neck a sword — even a prop sword — was being held. “That pointy thing was on the left side of my neck in the last shot.” “Are you sure?” “Pretty sure.”

“And a good man!”

Colin:

“ME! I’M GOOD!”

“If all I have learned here is that the hangman will earn two pairs of boots instead of one, so be it. At least my conscience will be clear.”

Colin:

That guy kills people and gets paid in boots? What a shit job.

“You forget your place, Turner.”

“It’s right here, between you and Jack.”

“As is mine.”

I like how he says to put their guns down, as if they’ll accidentally shoot her in the fucking face.

“So this is where your heart truly lies, then?”

“It is.”

He should be like, “Whatever. You already said yes, bitch. Now get ready to have some kids and die in childbirth!”

In all fairness, you’re like, twice her age.

Colin:

He might be ready to accept this shit, but she offered herself as collateral for him going after Will. So she still owes him. I think it’s gotta be a blowjob in the carriage. Once a month til one of them dies.

“Well – I’m actually feeling rather good about this.”

“I think we’ve all arrived at a very special place, eh? Spiritually, eciominically, grammatically.”

Colin:

Grammatically.

“I want you to know that I was rooting for you, mate.”

“Elizabeth –”

Colin:

Now that I think of it, she’s pretty dolled up for a public execution.

“It would never have worked between us, darling.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Will –”

“Nice hat.”

Colin:

That’s an awful hat.

“This is the day that you will always remember as the day—”

Colin:

Look at Norrington. That’s sloped down, and those are slippery stones and you’re wearing funny little leather shoes with buckles.

“Idiot – he has nowhere to go but back to the noose.”

“What’s your plan of action? Sir?”

“Perhaps on the rare occasion, pursuing the right course demands an act of piracy. Piracy itself can be the right course.”

Colin:

Oh, I’m not into this last word of wisdom from Pryce. He should have left it.

“Mr. Turner –“

Colin:

Titties.

“I will accept the consequences of my actions.”

Colin:

He even has to narrate his own shit.

She has a lot of neck.

“This is a beautiful sword. I would expect the man who made it to show the same care and devotion to every aspect of his life.”

Colin:

Why would you expect that? If I was that into swordcraft, the rest of my life would be a fucking mess. My bathroom would be a disaster, I’d never cook for myself…someone who puts that sort of time and energy into one thing is kind of a mess.

“What about Sparrow?”

“Oh, I think we can afford to give him one day’s head start.”

Colin:

This young guy’s gonna get your job, Norry.

“So, this is the path you’ve chosen? After all – he is a blacksmith.”

“No – he’s a pirate.”

That’s how you write a fucking movie. Save that shit ‘til the very end.

Colin:

Oh, yeah right. A second ago, you were ready to hang this kid, and now you’re letting your barely legal 18th century daughter choose to be with him? And then you WALK AWAY as they MAKE OUT on a precipice that she’s fallen off of before? Yeah, I call bullshit.

Oh, that’s creepy. You pan out too far, and you have to see dad awkwardly watching.

Colin:

And now look at this shot. This is Pryce walking away like he ain’t shit. I’m just the governor. I guess my daughter just decided to be with a low-life criminal, so I’ll just walk away as they make out after he roughed up a public execution. That makes sense. He even stops to look back like, “Is this really how it’s gonna go? Really? Yeah? Okay. I’ll keep going.”