Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Mans Chest (2006), Part I — “Momma Said This Was My Magic Coffin”

Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we start Dead Man’s Chest.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the first part of Dead Man’s Chest:

You know what it do.

Colin:

I see water and I imagine Kristen Stewart drowning.

#UpdatedLouisArmstrongLyrics

It’s raining.

Colin:

Slow motion, tea cups, rain. Is this trying to be that scene from Hero where they fight and the old blind dude’s playing the zither? Think you got it like Zhang Yimou?

Only if they raise the red lantern.

Though that rain is falling like a bunch of… flying daggers.

Colin:

Normally, I wouldn’t give a shit, but that sheet music was handwritten by some poor asshole and now it’s being ruined. You might leave your sheet music out in the rain now, but back then it was painstakingly written on a pool table by a feverish man who then died.

So I guess that composer is now… Wolf-gone.

Colin:

And his music is all… Soil-ieri’d.

He won’t… be Bach.

Colin:

He couldn’t… Handel the Caribbean.

It must have been rough… Vivaldi tropical storms.

Colin:

Yeah, I can’t imagine having to write music while at… Debu-sea. 

And now all of that sheet music is falling… Rachmaninoff the table.

Colin:

We should make a Liszt of all our puns.

It’s raining TITTIES!

Looks like someone’s been keeping… abreast, of the weather.

Sad Keira.

Colin:

Hmm. She doesn’t look so good. What happened?

Hopefully not something auto-immune.

HORSE IN A BOAT!

Colin:

Horses on little boats. Weird.

Glorious image.

Colin:

Is this gonna be a D-Day thing?

Wouldn’t it be weird if he were playing Keira Knightley and none of us noticed?

I guess it’s two if by sea.

Colin:

Oh shit, this dude’s even got the cloak like Mozart’s pappy.

This looks vaguely Sister Ruth.

This’ll end well.

But look at this — this looks kind of like… Breaking Swann.

Colin:

It’s kinda funny to me that the East India Trading company is like the main antagonist in this franchise. The legitimate company that’s trying to stop pirates from stealing their shit. And that’s somehow backwards. You can say that the pirates are the good guys, but at some point, they need to steal some shit for them to BE pirates.

Although, if we’re far, the East India Company effectively ruled the entire Indian subcontinent for a century. So yeah…I dunno. They were assholes.

Yeah… I Dunno. They Were Assholes.

Looks like their plan has just been… unveiled.

At least the donkey didn’t start walking automatically.

But what happened to Mr. Brown? Is he dead? Alcohol poisoning? Or did they just send him to Tortuga with some bitches to live out the rest of his days? I vote for that.

Colin:

Actually, I bet he’s just out pregaming the wedding somewhere.

Has it been this long since I’ve seen this movie? I don’t remember this opening with this stuff at all.

(P.S. Nice shot.)

Looks like someone… Will, be facing charges.

So were they getting married or something?

Colin:

That’s what this is, huh? They were gonna get married? Why isn’t she in white? And the East India Company is coming back to get Orlando and hang him? Wasn’t he granted clemency by the Governor? I guess maybe this is for springing Depp at the end of the film AFTER the clemency was granted.

She’s probably not wearing white because she was wearing it all last film. And, while she’s technically a virgin down there, I don’t think she’s pure… you know… morally… or whatever. Since she sided with pirates.

Honestly, I don’t know. Probably because the costume looked nice and there’d be too many nipples if she wore white (/ the costume’d get too destroyed too easily).

“Will…” she says, breathily.

What happened to meaningful opening lines?

“Why is this happening?”

“I don’t know.”

Boom. Kafka.

“You look beautiful.”

She’s Keira Knightley.

“I think it’s bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding.”

Well, what would you prefer, tradition, or seeing your man as he’s hauled off to jail?

Colin:

It’s bad luck for you to reference a wedding that obviously. Just let it happen.

Looks like in this wedding, the bride will be the… something blue.

(Though actually, I think the po-po might count for that on this one.)

Jonathan Pryce shall not pass.

“Stand your men down at once!”

Colin:

This is the “I’m a cunt” scene. Pryce yells at him and he just continues looking at the shitty wedding fiasco.

You think that was the same band they hired for Norrington’s soiree?

“Governer Weatherby Swann, it’s been too long.”

“Cutler Beckett?”

“It’s Lord now, actually.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was this week’s edition of Dick in the Ass subtlety.

Brought to you by Astroglide.

“Lord or not, you have no reason or authority to arrest this man.”

“In fact, I do.”

Well, that clears that up, then.

Colin:

So they are here to arrest him.

Which is funny, since they’re the East India Trading Company, and Pryce is here on orders from the king. This would be like the NRA getting its head elected Vice President and him going around shooting people.

Colin:

It really was a weird set-up in those days. The East India Company really did run whole countries.

He’s got a warrant.

How he knows about all the other shit, I have no idea.

“This warrant is for Elizabeth Swann.”

“Oh, is it? How annoying, my mistake. Arrest her.”

A HA HA HA HA.

Colin:

Oh, that’s GOOD. “This shit is for my DAUGHTER’S ARREST!” “Oh, word. I was getting to that.”

“A ha! Here’s the one for William Turner.”

“And I have another one for a Mr. James Norrington. Is he present?”

Colin:

And Norrington, too? I take it they’re pissed he let the Pearl go. And worked with pirates and shit.

“What are the charges?”

Well, in a storm like this, I’d say the charges are… electrons.

Norrington resigned several months ago.

“I don’t believe that was the answer to the question I asked.”

What a dick. I like him.

Colin:

And he’s more blatantly dickish than Norrington was. Norrington was dickish out of duty. You can tell this guy just loves it, and that’s probably been a contributing factor in his success.

Keira rolls out some legalese on them. She wants to know what the charges are.

They helped out Jack, essentially.

Colin:

Yeah, they broke Jack out. That shit doesn’t fly. I don’t see how Elizabeth is in on it. She did the fainting thing, but that was only with Pryce and Davenport.

The official charges are “conspiring to set free a man convicted of crimes against the crown and Empire and condemned to death, for which the punishment, regrettably, is also death.”

Colin:

Don’t you love that? When someone says something is “regrettable” when they clearly don’t find it regrettable?

“Perhaps you remember a certain pirate named Jack Sparrow.”

“Captain!”

Ooh, they both said it. That’s funny.

“Captain Jack Sparrow.”

Colin:

They shouldn’t be this fond of Depp. It seemed like at the end of the last movie, they were still sort of like, “You’re a fucking weirdo, Jack.” But now they’re getting all caught up on the ‘captain’ thing? Doesn’t fit.

“Captain Jack Sparrow. Yes, I thought you might.”

“Fifteen men on the dead man’s chest – Yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum!”

Nice to see you too, Gibbs.

Colin:

And here we are on the Pearl. And Gibbs is singing! Is he drinking?

Well that’s rhetorical.

Colin:

HE’S DRINKING!

Laugh! BOOZE.

Though if he chugged it, I’d be happier. Still, this is how you do it.

Oh no. It’s them.

Nice location.

Colin:

The fuck is THIS place? This is some Lord of the Rings shit.

The Bridge of Khazad-Depp.

Tuesday.

… Aye.

Colin:

Did we really need that, Disney? Did we need to see a dude getting his eyeball eaten by a bird?

But on that note…”Keep an eye out for ya, Stingray!” “Yeah, SEE YA!”

This is how Clash of the Titans started.

That also had a kraken.

Colin:

I’m amazed they even put them in coffins. Unless they’re special and they take you somewhere. “Momma said it was my magic coffin.”

Momma Said This Was My Magic Coffin

Was this part of the ride?

Can it be?

That would be a fun trick for David Blaine to try to pull off.

Colin:

TAP TAP TAP TAP BOOM

That was great. Fuck that bird.

Looks like that raven is… nevermore.

Captain Jack Sparrow.

He’s just giving that coffin… a little kick start.

“Not quite according to plan.”

“Complications arose, ensued, were overcome.”

The three-act structure.

“You got what you went in for, then?”

Apparently the crew ain’t happy. Isla de la Muerta was “reclaimed by the sea,” (repo’d, no doubt), quite coincidentally, at that. They thought he’d bring something worth money. Something a little more… “shiny.”

Colin:

See, this is what I’m talking about. They aren’t getting paid. Gotta pay your motherfuckers. Buccaneers and scallywaggers and what have you.

“Shiny.”

“Is that how you feel then? That dear old Jack is not serving your best interests as captain?”

“Walk the plank!”

“What did the bird say?!”

“Do not blame the bird. Show us what is on that piece of cloth there.”

UNDEAD MONKEY OUT OF NOWHERE!

Colin:

Wait, the monkey’s back? Why is it still a skeleton monkey? The curse was lifted during the last movie.

It’s probably a different curse. The monkey typically hangs out on the ship, so it’s probably something to do with the ship.

Or they just decided, “… meh.”

It’s probably option 2.

Colin:

I looked into it and apparently it’s because after the credits in the first movie, they show the monkey stealing another piece of gold.

YOINK!

“It’s a key.”

“Much more better. It is a drawing of a key.”

Colin:

A drawing of a key. They’re gonna kill him.

It’s weird how he’s responsible for this ship and just doesn’t care about the well-being of his crew at all.

I guess he’s not much of a… Union Jack.

Looks like a drawing of a penis.

Colin:

Wait, I’m still a little confused as to where he just busted out of in this coffin. What was that place and why did he know to sneak in there to steal this? DId they KNOW he was alive in that coffin when they tossed it?

I guess he found someone in prison who knew, and snuck into the coffin to escape.

But I guess it’s just one of those things you’re not supposed to think about because it’s amusing.

“Gentlemen… what do keys do?”

“Keys… unlock… things?”

So whatever it opens is valuable. So they’re gonna set out to find whatever it unlocks.

“No.”

“If we don’t have the key, we can’t open whatever it is that we don’t have that it unlocks. So what purpose would be served in finding whatever need be unlocked, which we don’t have, without first having found the key what unlocks it?”

Colin:

He’s trying to two-time them. This is how mutinies happen, you dolt. It’s not gonna be treasure. You know it’s not gonna be treasure. This is like if Pokemon were real and you had to explain to all the Pokemon you had with you that you were dragging them around so you could catch a Dunsparce that you’d then never use only to have it in the Pokedex. And they’re all, “Motherfucker, the hell is a POKEDEX?”

Captain Jack Spearow.

“So – we’re going after this key!”

“You’re not making any sense at all.”

But do they have a heading?

Colin:

Nice closeup of a nice prop.

People really do underestimate the benefit of a good prop, don’t they?

Jack’s been acting weird(er) lately.

“And mark my words, what bodes ill for Jack Sparrow bodes ill for us all.”

Sploosh.

Colin:

Yeah, holy balls.

I want one of these on my wall.

Moreover, I want a guy who comes in to make one of these on my wall.

Colin:

I’m kinda fascinated by cartography. Maps are mostly the shit. Mostly.

Maybe this is what the key is for.

Huh? Huh?

Map humor!

Colin:

When you say that someone doesn’t need to be in their handcuffs, the moment is kinda ruined when you don’t then unlock them yourself using the Force. Beckett, you ain’t no Palpatine.

I love this office. I want my house to look like this.

Booze.

Colin:

But he drinks, so there’s a mark he’s got over Palpatine. Let’s get down to booziness.

Unlimited Rum.

“The East India Trading Company has need of your services.”

(Subtle rear projection. I approve.)

THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT.

He wants him to act as an agent in a deal involving Jack.

“How do you know him?”

Colin:

John Daniels?

“We’ve had dealings in the past. And we’ve each left our mark on the other.”

Colin:

He keeps that brand in the fire? I doubt it, so he must be about to brand Orlando.

“What mark did he leave on you?”

It’s on his dick. I bet it’s on his dick.

Colin:

There’s a British guy who tried to win a Mini Cooper appreciation contest by getting the word “MINI” tattooed on his dick. Which…great word to put on your dick, moron.

He wants Will to recover “a certain property” that is in Jack’s possession.

BALTIC AVENUE, BITCHES!

He’s gonna trade him a railroad and some cash for it and then he’ll have a… monopoly, of the sea.

And he finishes the glass!

Colin:

He just threw back that drink like William Powell. You start fast, slow down for a second in the middle, and then throw the whole thing back.

That’s how you do it, get it up, savor that first taste, and then boom — booze time, bitches.

Nice box. I want an engraved box like that with some sort of coat of arms on it. Especially if it’s my own coat of arms.

Colin:

My family has a coat of arms. Lots of white, blue and silver. Gold acorns to demonstrate antiquity and shit. But meh.

He’s gonna offer Jack a full pardon.

More contracts like this.

Colin:

I like that it’s leather-bound. But who took the time to write this shit up?

Certainly not Johannes Gutenberg.

“Somehow I doubt Jack will consider employment the same as being free.”

Colin:

Orlando Bloom’s just being shitty now. How can they act like this isn’t an amazing deal? They’re gonna pardon him for all the shit he’s stolen and all the people he’s killed — cause again, if he hasn’t killed people, he’s not a pirate — and then PAY him to work for them, probably on his own boat. That’s seriously generous. And Bloom’s like, “Fuck you guys.”

“Jack Sparrow is a dying breed. The world is changing shrinking. I feel it in the water. The blank edges of the map filled in. Jack must find his place in the new world or perish.”

Colin:

What is this, a Western? I’m pretty sure there’s enough ocean for you to chill out in, so I don’t see why Depp has to be a “dying breed.” There are still successful pirates TODAY.

“Not unlike you, Mr. Turner.”

So Will figures Beckett wants the Pearl.

“A ship? Hardly. The item in question is considerably smaller and far more valuable. Something Sparrow keeps on his person at all times. A compass.”

“Bring back that compass, or there’s no deal.”

Colin:

Oh, he want dat compass. But doesn’t it take you to Isle de Muerta? Is that all he wants?

Colin:

And here’s Marlon Brand-o.

“Why is the rum always gone?”

Colin:

They had to bring back that line.

“Oh… that’s why.”

So naturally, go and get more.

GPOY

“Time’s run out, Jack.”

Colin:

Oh fuck. Who dis?

“Bootstrap.”

The spitting image of Orlando Bloom.

Colin:

Stellan Skarsgard! Everyone’s favorite Scandinavian. Who plays everything.

“You look good, Jack.”

Colin:

I’m not loving how his face is all covered in barnacles and shit.

“Is this a dream?”

“No.”

“I thought not. If it were, there’d be rum.”

Where did he have that?

“You got the Pearl back, I see.”

“I had some help in retrieving the Pearl, by the way. Your son.”

“William?”

Exposition runs in the family, I see.

I like how booze is the answer to questions in this franchise.

Colin:

People call booze a problem when it is, by chemical definition… a solution.

“He ended up a pirate after all.”

Yes he did. It looks like this cat… is in the cradle.

“And to what do I owe the pleasure of your carbuncle?”

Carbuncle.

Good word.

You guys know what a carbuncle is? Look it up. You’ll have a good time.

“He sent me.”

(“God?”)

(“No, stupid, someone that actually exists.”)

“Who?”

“C’mon, buddy.”

Davy Jones.

“Ah… so it’s you, then.”

As if it wasn’t him before?

Dude gave you rum.

He gave you rum.

“He shanghaied you into service, then?”

Anyway, Bootstrap tells how how he died, which we already knew. And says how, while he was dying, he said he’d take whatever way out he could find. Which was working for Davy Jones. (Which, naturally, they don’t tell us about fully until later.)

Colin:

Although, you gotta wonder what his status is now. Cause he couldn’t die when he was sent to the depths. Just stuck there, not dying. Because of the curse. But then he joined the crew and the curse has since been lifted. So what’s the deal? Are the crew members immortal? We see that the ship goes underwater and they’re all cool with that. But is that an immediate change when you join the crew? Will is TECHNICALLY a crew member later on…so what’s the deal there? They conveniently don’t go underwater while he’s on board, but COULD he? And when he deserts, is he just not a crew member anymore? I guess he technically never signed the contract, but he was counting as one of the 100 souls, and they were all being press-ganged. So…what?

How does he jerk off?

Why is he eating little shellfish, again? Isn’t he technically dead or whatever? I get what they were going for, but does he even need to eat? Is this just for effect? It’s details like this that make me like this movie less.

But booze really is the answer to everything.

“It’s funny what a man will do to forestall final judgment.”

“You made a deal with him too, Jack. He raised the Pearl from the depths for you. Thirteen years you’ve been captain.”

I like how they slip long stories in there without another word.

“Raised the Pearl back from the depths.”

They never tell you how the Pearl got to the depths, which in itself is practically a half a movie. But he raised it for him, which is also interesting, since he must have known the Pearl can outrun the Dutchman. Which brings up further questions — how’d Depp find Jones to make this deal? (I mean, we find out pretty much how (probably) later, but still.) Why would he make this deal? There’s a lot of stuff there that goes unsaid without another word, and I like that.

“Technically –”

“You won’t be able to talk yourself out of this.”

Same deal as him. One soul, bound to crew 100 years, or else the Locker.

“Jones’s terrible leviathan will find you.”

Ex-po-sit-ion!

Colin:

Oh shit the Kraken! I know he said ‘Leviathan’ but fuck that. I’m calling it a Kraken.

“And drag the Pearl back to the depths, and you along with it.”

Colin:

So this may sound stupid, but…all these issues are sea-related. I know where Davy Jones and his Kraken ain’t getting you no matter what. Ohio. Move to Ohio.

“Any idea when Jones might release said terrible beastie?”

“I already told you, Jack. The time is up.”

My question is — is Jones aware of this? Did he send Bootstrap? Is Bootstrap here on his own to warn Depp? Does Jones know about Sparrow’s history with Bootstrap and is he sending him as a warning? Shouldn’t Depp be willing to go, presumably, since he made the deal in the first place? Shouldn’t Jones come himself to collect? This is all very confusing to me. I’m not understanding the logic of this.

Colin:

Right. This black spot is from Treasure Island. It means DEATH. And the Kraken’s coming for him. So it’s already coming. Why wouldn’t he get to meet Jones and formally join the crew?

What the fuck is wrong with your hand?

Did he just give him the Monster?

Sean Bean Just Got AIDS

And now Bootstrap is Swayze.

I’m telling you. He just got the Monster.

And then he wakes up the crew and tells them to get to work.

It’s pretty fucked up that they just have to listen to him.

Do you think they have a curfew? Were they all in bed by 8 o’clock and he just woke them up at 11:30? What if they were all shitfaced? How can you expect a man to crew if he’s still drunk? I can’t even make it to a toilet when I’m drunk without stumbling and almost falling. How the fuck are these guys gonna secure a mast head or whatever?

Colin:

This is why I only take jobs that require talking and typing. Those are my two skills that sometimes IMPROVE with booze. That and MarioKart Wii.

Jack tells Gibbs to go to “land.”

Colin:

Looks like that’s where they’re headed.

Also, since we find out later that Jones can step on land once a decade — can’t he just go there and throw Depp into the water?

Would he even waste his one trip on that?

What has he used all his previous trips on?

Has he used them?

Can they build up like vacation time?

Maybe he’s been working for the past 100 years and is building up time to go somewhere.

But, saying he has used them — on what?

Are there hookers that will fuck him?

Does he even have a penis anymore?

How does he jerk off?

I am fascinated by all of this.

Colin:

And I’m thinking of the technical aspects of it. He can only set foot on land once in a decade…so what if he gets off the boat and into a palanquin? What if he actually sets foot on land and never sets foot OFF land again. They’re not giving him a time limit.

He’s freaking out.

UNDEAD MONKEY OUT OF NOWHERE!

Fuck yo hat.

And then they all rush to go get it.

Colin:

Is the monkey trying to fuck them all? Oh, maybe he’s trying to throw them OFF course by leaving the hat.

Hatters gonna hat, man.

“No, no! Leave it!”

“Rum.”

The answer to everything.

“For the love of mother and child, Jack, what’s coming after us?”

“Nothing.”

“Wilson!”

What ever did happen to Wilson?

I bet he got picked up by some other dude and there’s a whole other story that happened.

Probably some French guy.

But it still must have been weird, Wilson having to watch Tom Hanks masturbate in that cave all the time.

You think Tom Hanks jizzed on Wilson just for fun sometimes?

Like, “HA HA I JUST JIZZED ON YOU!” And then he spent the ten minutes after that crying and apologizing and washing it off?

I bet he did.

That’s what happens when you jizz on a volleyball. Turns out.

Colin:

I have to work with this, you guys. And just like the dudes on the Flying Dutchman, the more time I spend working on this blog, the more fucked up I feel myself becoming.

Weird how the hat is heading right for that ship and hasn’t sank or anything.

Guess which guy I’d be.

Colin:

“A hat in the water! Score!”

-Nobody ever

They don’t speak English. So we know they’re dead.

Colin:

Dumbasses. “I got a hat! [Shit hat people say]”

Why are they all covered in dirt. Motherfucker you work in the OCEAN!

Colin:

They sound Eastern European. And in Hollywood, Eastern Europeans are ALWAYS grubby.

Colin:

Y’all are fucked.

Look at his shorts.

Colin:

I like that it didn’t pop out of the water and fuck them up. This was all from underwater. That Kraken drank their milkshake ship.

“Jack’s compass? What does Beckett want with that?”

So… how does this work? Why are they allowed visitors? Has Pryce bribed this guy? Is this just allowed? What’s to stop him from breaking her out?

I guess he doesn’t have any… leverage.

Colin:

Seriously, though. These cells look old. Older than the ones Depp was in. And this is the same jail. So Will COULD bust her out with leverage. Unless we’re to believe that the cells that Depp was held in were the only ones Will helped to build, and that they were build to a lower specification than the older cells. I’ll go with that story. That Will showed up and craftsmanship went out the window.

He’s gonna get it, and then the charges against them will be dropped.

Does anyone ever follow through on their promises? Any time someone says, “I won’t kill you if you do this for me” — do they ever not go to kill them? Just once I want to see the movie where it’s like, “I did it.” “Oh, well great, you’re free to go. I hope you have a good weekend, and I’ll send you guys a Christmas card and see how you’re doing.”

Do pirates have Christmas?

I guess it’d be all frankincense and Myrrrrgghhh!

“No, we must find our own avenues to secure your freedom.”

Yeah, like maybe ORIENTAL AVENUE!

Because… that Chinese guy had a lot of bombs.

And because it’s past Baltic and Mediterranean, which…

Is there a pirate monopoly? There should be.

Like, a real one.

But there is a Pirates of the Caribbean Monopoly.

It basically goes in the order of the trilogy.

This jail is the Baltic Avenue of the board.

The Blacksmith Shop is Mediterranean.

All the ships are the railroads.

Isla de Muerta is Marvin Gardens.

Tortuga is Illinois Avenue.

And yet Isla Cruces, which we won’t see til the end of this movie is only New York Avenue.

Who figured these out? Thought went into this.

Why is the Kraken not part of it?

Is that one of the game pieces?

Holy shit, I’d buy that if the Kraken were a game piece.

Nah… it’s just Davy Jones, the heart, the locket, the Liar’s Dice cup, a cannon, and Jack’s hat.

That sucks.

I’d totally have played as the Kraken.

Also, wait — holy shit, I just realized…

Every single franchise has its own Monopoly game.

Yeah, this is happening.

We’re stopping the article right now.

This is happening.

Harry Potter Monopoly:

Mediterranean Avenue is Borgin and Burkes.

Knockturn Alley is Baltic Avenue.

The first tax is the Gringotts Banking Fee, which is clever. And the four houses are the railroads, which also works.

The blues are Privet Drive, The Burrow and Hagrid’s Hut. Azkaban is jail, which is perfect.

The purples are Hog’s Head, The Leaky Cauldron and Ollivander’s. Booze, booze, wands. The Portkey is the Electric Company, which is weak. Why not the Floo Network or something?

The oranges are Platform 9 ¾, The Shrieking Shack and Number 12 Grimmauld Palace.

“Free Flying.” Ha ha kiss my dick.

The reds are the Room of Requirement, the Forbidden Forest and the Chamber of Secrets. Which make sense as a grouping.

The yellows are the Great Hall, the Quidditch Pitch, and Dumbledore’s Office. That’s cool.

The Firebolt is the Water Works, which is also stupid.

The greens are St. Mungo’s (do people even know what that is?), Diagon Alley (really? It’s like, right next to Knockturn, and Knockturn is the cheap… actually that makes sense) and Hogsmeade.

Also, naturally, the railroads are ranked in the order of house importance, so Gryffindor is Short Line, Hufflepuff is Reading, Slytherin is B & O and Ravenclaw is Pennsylvania.

Oh, and the blues are The Ministry of Magic and Hogwarts. Which is weird, since the yellows are all places in Hogwarts.

It’s also weird that Gringotts isn’t there, but I guess they’re technically the bank, aren’t they?

And the pieces are — a broom, Hedwig, The Burrows, the Golden Snitch, the Hogwarts Express… and Fluffy.

All of which I like. Except the Burrows.

But anyway, that’s that Monopoly.

Onto Star Wars.

There are a couple of versions of that, but I’m gonna go with one that’s a full franchise one, just for kicks.

I like that the two card spots are ones for Sith and Jedi. That’s cool. Looks like the Jedi are Community Chest and the Sith are Chance. Appropriate.

The dark purples are Mos Eisley and Mos Espa. The first tax is the trade blockade. The four railroads appear to be different ships — the Super Star Destroyer, the Republic something or other ship (I can’t get a good picture quality of this game board), another Star Destroyer and something else. Colin will have a better time figuring this out than I will.

The blues are Dagobah, Endor and Bespin.

The light purples are Hoth, Dantooine, and Yavin 4.

The Death Star is the Electric Company, which is amusing.

The oranges are Kashyyyk, Mustafar ad Utapau. (Utapau? Really?)

The reds are Kessel, Sullust (what the fuck?) and Ord Mantell. (They weren’t even trying, were they?)

The yellows are Geonosis, Kamino and Naboo. And Death Star 2 is the Water Works.

The greens are Mon Calamari, Corellia and Alderaan.

And the blues are the Jedi Temple and the Senate.

That’s dumb.

And the pieces are the characters.

DUMB.

They had better things to work with and they still fucked up.

Onto Lord of the Rings. Which — YES. Show me THAT shit.

The dark purple ones are Bag End and Farmer Maggot’s. I guess we’re going in order, which is cool. It makes sense. It is a pretty cyclical franchise.

The four railroads are four different steeds — Bill the Pony, Asfaloth (which is the Elf horse that is Arwen’s, but not in the books), Brego (Aragorn’s horse), and Shadowfax. YEAH SHADOWFAX NIGGA!

The light blues are Buckleberry Ferry, Weathertop and Bree. Too bad Bree isn’t Oriental.

The light purples are Rivendell, the Ford of Bruinen, which I can only assume is where Arwen went all Imhotep on the Nazgul, and Caradhras.

And — holy shit this is amazing — the utilities are the wizard’s staffs. THE HOBKNOBLIN HAS ITS OWN MONOPOLY PROPERTY!

Naturally the Hobknoblin is the Water Works.

The oranges are Lothlorien, the Falls of Rauros (that’s where they dumped Sean Bean, isn’t it?), and the Mines of Moria.

The reds are Helm’s Deep, the Gap of Rohan, and Edoras. Which is awesome.

The yellows are Westfold, Fangorn Forest, and Isengard.

HOLY SHIT PLEASE HAVE ONE OF THE CHANCE CARDS BE “TAKE THE HOBBITS TO ISENGARD.”

The greens are Osgiliath, Pelennor Fields and Minas Tirith.

And the blues are Barad-Dur and Mount Doom.

That’s awesome. Big fan of that board.

And now… Twilight.

Is there even one?

No, there isn’t.

And it does’t deserve one.

Moving on.

Colin:

I have nothing to add, other than that I own bitches at Monopoly. Econ major. What can I say? But yeah, the Harry Potter one sucks, and there are multiple versions of Star Wars (two of which I’ve played), and Lord of the Rings…I haven’t played, but it sounds pretty great.

(Oh, by the way — Jonathan Pryce says they must use other “avenues” to secure Elizabeth’s release.)

“Is that a lack of faith in Jack, or in me?”

Colin:

Yeah, that’s right, buddy. Mouth off to the governor. See how that goes.

“Where’s that dog with the keys?”

Has anyone stopped to ask why the dog has the keys?

WHAT KIND OF GOVERNOR ARE YOU? You leave a half-drowned child in the care of another child and leave a dog in care of ALL THE KEYS TO THE PRISON!

Why isn’t there that deleted scene? Him leaving for a ball or something and not being able to lock his house because the dog who carries his keys is off licking his balls somewhere?

“I have faith in you. Both of you.”

What about your father? No faith in him? He’s standing right there.

“Where will you find him?”

Probably at a saloon.

It’s funny how close this world actually is to the western. The last of the real outlaws stays out in the wild, sleeping in tents and shit, and the last of the real pirates stays on the sea even though shit’s all industrialized and whatever.

Tortuga, of course.

Colin:

He’s going to Tortuga? I guess there’s a reason for that. Although if I was captain of the Black Pearl, I’d never make berth in Tortuga. Everyone’d be trying to take that boat.

Remember when everyone was scared shitless of the Pearl?

It must be some sort of joke by now, right?

And then they get into some flirty talk. He says he’ll come back and marry her. If she’ll still have him.

“If it weren’t for these bars, I’d have you already.”

Colin:

Ain’t but a wall fulla glory holes.

Orlando Bloom’s penis. AKA The Rock Hammer.

Salvation lies within.

Colin:

They’re really repeating gags all over the place, aren’t they?

I bet she would have him, though.

When they’re married, she’ll have him… knightley.

“I’ll wait for you.”

“Keep a weather eye on the horizon.”

That’s how you do it. Say something smooth and just peace.

Not as smooth when you see him peacing like that.

Then we have a montage of people telling Will about Jack.

Colin:

So this is gonna be his searching montage. I suppose he’ll come across some jawas in a sandcrawler at sunset.

“Heard he was dead.”

“Singapore.”

“Jack Sparrow?”

“When you find him – you give him a message.”

Colin:

They’re really repeating gags all over the place, aren’t they?

At least they gave us titties.

Also, they must be riddled with syphilis.

This motherfucker’s like, “No idea about Jack, but there’s this island – great salted pork. The ship’s there. So you got that.”

Whatever happened to the giant black guy from the last movie?

He was fun.

But Jamaicans are fun too.

Colin:

This is where Dominic Greene’s place is gonna be in like 270 years.

Ever think about that? Who was in your place 270 years earlier?

I fucking love these shots.

Jamaican men are always the most helpful.

He don’t trust this shifty bombaclot, though.

He refuses to row him any closer.

Colin:

Fuck this French dude.

I like how he just dives without any consideration as to whether he’s going to capsize this boat or not.

Awesome shot, though, with the Pearl just sitting here.

Pretty funny how the natives won’t go near it.

You guys must get sick all the time, the amount of wet clothing you wear for hours on end.

Colin:

So much of it’s leather, too. Wearing wet leather has to suck.

“To the window!”

Oh, now THIS is a glorious shot.

“Don’t eat me.”

Colin:

Don’t eat me? Wait, let me guess. The reason the French dude wouldn’t go the whole way is cause this is a cannibal island and Cotton’s bird is saying this cause everyone else has been.

Note: Colin doesn’t remember this film at all.

I really enjoy Orlando Bloom’s looks of confusion.

You fucking moron.

Colin:

My rule (learned this from Return of the Jedi) is that you never touch things in the jungle. It’s a trap.

Especially girls. You never touch that girl, especially in the jungle.

But that is true. The one rule we all learned from Return of the Jedi is that it is, in fact, a trap.

(Ha ha… lobster trap. It’s a trap. Admiral Ackbar was a giant lobster.)

(I’m… I am shitfaced, you guys.)

Wouldn’t it be funny if, instead of a trap being sprung, the tree just came to life and ate him?

And Davy Jones was furiously masturbating over in the corner?

Colin:

YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT

BECAUSE WHAT IF TREES ATE PEOPLE?!!!

Seriously, his looks of confusion are really amusing to me.

Doo doo cloud.

Also, right there, I’d have stabbed this motherfucker in the face.

Colin:

But REALLY though? How are there a bunch of natives waiting for other random people to show up RIGHT here? They caught the whole crew. Is it now these guys’ job to sit here for another week just waiting for someone else to show?

Colin:

How obvious was that?

Yeah, keep doing that. That’ll work.

Half his organs must be shut down. Look at this fuck.

Is that Tilda Swinton?

Colin:

Too clean.

Dart in the neck.

These are actually the Misty Mountains, though, aren’t they?

Well I guess this is more like Machu… P-eat-you.”

Colin:

They really are Ewoks.

Better break out the Kali ma’rinade.

Though we’ve really lost track of what this franchise is about.

It’s more like the Temple of Dumb.

(No… no scream. This is important.)

He’d have been played by Donald Meek.

(Anyone who got that thought it was hilarious.)

Colin:

I did and was Pleasance-ly surprised.

There aren’t ever any fat cannibals, are there?

Colin:

Not for long.

Colin:

I like this. Oh, I like this. Sup, eyeball boy?

“Jack?”

And then he starts talking in a made up language.

I always wonder if they can actually understand him or not. Because it seems like he’s making a mockery of their language, but on the other hand, they pick up certain words. Like, when it’s time for a joke, like in a second, or when it’s something important.

See?

Colin:

More reused jokes. The eunuch thing is getting old.

Equinsu ocha.

Colin:

They have a lotta shit in their face, and it bothers me.

It’s funny to think that all they do all day is fix makeup and pray to whatever the fuck.

“Jack – the compass, that’s all I need. Elizabeth is in danger.”

“We were arrested for trying to help you.”

I’m not even gonna pretend to know what’s going on here.

I think he said “shikaka.”

“Save me.”

Colin:

What? He seems to have shit in control. Is it like, he’s their god, but they won’t let him leave and threaten to kill him or something? Aw, man. Remember The Man Who Would Be King? Never let them see you bleed.

This would be a nice shot if there weren’t rapists in the next cell.

Where were these people earlier?

Did they round up some drunks overnight or something?

Did they move her to a different cell?

He’s gotten her out.

He’s arranged passage for her to England.

Colin:

So she’s headed to England? Sounds like a plan. Get some shopping in, enjoy the rain.

How much do you think that cost?

But, I guess you can’t put a… Pryce, on family.

I love when people shoot jails from this angle.

Colin:

Lotta good jail angles in the beginning of The Blues Brothers. 

God DAMN, son.

Colin:

That’s it for me. I’m done for the day.

Is that a nipple?

Colin:

GOOOOLLLLLY.

I will never not hear that being said by Cate Blanchett as Katharine Hepburn.

Beckett has only promised one pardon, and that’s to Jack.

(Yeah… we knew that before. You agreed to help him.)

He’s gonna send her out and maybe get a fair trial for Will if he comes back.

“A fair trial for Will ends in a hanging.”

“Then there is nothing left for you here.”

That’s not true.

There’s probably some good surf and turf.

Colin:

I think I must be the only person who doesn’t like mixing different types of food. Like….beef and seafood at the same time? Nope.

Really? You had a horse and carriage take her twenty feet?

Colin:

Oh, this guy isn’t responding and is standing perfectly still. He’s dead and being propped up.

A ha. You been caught.

Colin:

Fuck, I didn’t realize he was being propped up by a KNIFE.

“Evening govnah. Shame that.”

“He was carrying this. It’s to the king.”

“It’s from you.”

She ain’t in there.

Weird how she jumped out in about four seconds, even though the jail is RIGHT there.

“Where is she?”

Colin:

“Elizabeth!” “Where is she?” “Who?” That takes balls to try some shit like that.

You better start calling him Benoit, because that shit took BALLS.

I miss lanterns. I want a lantern, just so I can hold it like that.

More lanterns.

This is like Trunchbull with the chocolates.

This bitch never puts anything back correctly. The box, the rug — who taught her tradecraft?

“No doubt you’ve discovered that loyalty is no longer the currency of the realm, as your father believes.”

“Then what is?”

“I’m afraid currency is the currency of the realm.”

Colin:

I like this. People who have realistic views of things and laugh at your attempts to put some code to things. Loyalty means everything? Not like CASH, bitches. I don’t really love how capitalist it sounds, but I also dislike the idea of loyalty above all. As long as it isn’t Ayn Rand, I’m willing to consider it.

That last sentence is most of our sexual preferences as well.

“I expect, then, that we can come to some sort of understanding.”

She’s here to negotiate.

“I’m listening.”

“I’m listening intently.”

Colin:

He’s listening intently.

Does that make Davy Jones a Polynesian Pearl Diver?

(And we’re certainly not sparing the rum, either.)

She says the compass won’t do him any good.

Because he’s not the governor’s daw-ter!

She’s been to Isla de Muerta. The treasure isn’t worth it.

I guess she doesn’t know the island is gone.

It was made by those who are dead, and the dead keep it.

He is amused. She thinks he’s after treasure.

Colin:

The woman holding a gun to a man’s chest in the darkness and the map centered on northwest Africa is all making me think of Casablanca.

It would be pretty fucked up if she shot him and stained that map.

You spend all that time making that map, and what happens if a tropical storm just blows in here?

Good thing the Pearl isn’t evil anymore, since that thing would have been fucking gone.

“You think the compass leads only to Isla de Muerta, so you hope to save me from an evil fate.”

Colin:

Oh, so it doesn’t only go to Isle de Muerta. The plot thickens.

“I care not for cursed Aztec gold.”

I like when someone knows more shit than people expect. “You think I was after this? Artifice.”

Colin:

ARTIFICE!

“There’s more than one chest of value in these waters.”

I know. Look at all the titties we’ve seen already!

“So perhaps you may wish to enhance your offer.”

That works.

The funny thing is — she didn’t enhance the offer at all.

“These letters of mark, they are signed by the king.”

But they don’t mean anything until he signs and seals them.

“Consider into your calculations that you robbed me of my wedding night.”

Imprison her for treason – meh, all right. Send her fiancé off to help you without promising him pardon – not a problem. But deprive her of the dick – Unforgivable.

Colin:

Yeah, so he robbed you of her wedding night. And? Oh…part of this deal is that she has to fuck him?

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Deprived of the D.

“So I did.”

Apparently that is greater than currency.

Dick > Currency.

“A marriage interrupted.”

“Or fate intervenes.”

That’s badass. His ring is the seal.

Colin:

They all rocked that back in the day. I want that.

“You’re making great efforts to ensure Jack Sparrow’s freedom.”

This is only for Jack. These papers. For Will —

“I’ll still want that compass. Consider that in your calculations.”

And don’t forget to carry the 1.

I’m a ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost.

And this is where we’ll END PART I.

– – – – – – – – – –

Tomorrow is Part II, and bullshit cannibal stuff.

(See the rest of the Fun with Franchises articles here.)