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Fun with Franchises: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Mans Chest (2006), Part III — “Hat People Problems or: Bill Nighy’s About to Ink”

Today we continue with another franchise in our Fun with Franchises series, Pirates of the Caribbean. Today we start Dead Man’s Chest. Part III.

In case you don’t know how this works — a while back, I decided to rank my favorite Disney movies and rank my favorite James Bond movies. And the Disney ones were mostly straight synopses and not too much fun, but when I got to Bond, I enlisted the help of my friend Colin, who knows everything about the Bond franchise that I do not, for those articles, and along the way, learned how to have fun with it. And, by the end of the Bond articles, we were having so much fun that I said, “Man, we have to do this again with other stuff.” Because I spent about a straight month and a half putting together those articles. That’s how much time and effort actually goes into something like that. And not once did it feel like work. It was so much fun that I knew, as long as we were doing it for comedy purposes and able to riff off of each other — we could do pretty much any film and it would work.

And very quickly, the first ones you come up with are the major franchises, because those are not only the most fun, but also the most universally known. Everyone’s gonna understand all the jokes we make (well… most of them. Some of them might be limited to three people) about them. So that’s what we’re doing. And if you’re gonna have fun with franchises, it wouldn’t be right if you didn’t franchise it. Also, just so we’re clear, this is all for parody. We’re just messing with them because we love them.

And that’s Fun with Franchises. Right now, we’re doing the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, and today is the third part of Dead Man’s Chest:

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We begin Part III on that other ship. With those guys. You know.

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The East India Trading Company is taxing everything.

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Tortuga is the only free port left in the waters. But he doesn’t want to go there, because it’s a pirate port.

Also weird how they still leave Tortuga alone.

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I’m a ghost ghost ghost ghost ghost.

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That dress should start doing the Thriller dance.

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“She wants you to do something.”

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Colin:

She’s actually doing some puppeteer crap?

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Start doing arm waves!

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“Over there! Look for a sign!”

Colin:

How do they not see the lines or look up to see her? Movie characters’ gullibility is always a big help.

It’s also weird how they completely ignore a lantern starting a fire on a SHIP MADE OF WOOD!

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Colin:

Morons. I’ve got morons on my team.

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“There it is! That’s the sign!”

“That’s seaweed.”

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“What’s that over there?”

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Colin:

Does she want to go to Tortuga cause that’s where Will went? Even though that was only the first stop on his searching montage?

And movies where hot chicks try to disguise themselves as men…seriously, guys? You’ve got no stubble, delicate hands and perfect skin. And them lips. Who do you really think you’re fooling in an era when all men were grizzly as fuck starting at age 17?

It’s actually pretty strange to think what her plan is. Is she gonna ask around about Will until she hears something? Ask about Jack like he did? Is she gonna barter passage and sail around until she finds someone?

Man, shit just works out for white women.

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Tortuga!

Colin:

It’s funny to me that ‘Tortuga’ is just ‘turtle’ in Spanish.

Well these people certainly aren’t… in their shell.

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Colin:

Once again, I can’t see how these musicians on Tortuga are getting paid. How do you make a living among pirates? They’re all shitfaced and yelling. They sure as hell ain’t throwing money down in your instrument cases.

Autobiography title: Shitfaced and Yelling.

Maybe they just got hired by the establishment. Or they’re just shithoused and are playing for fun.

Colin:

The only way I see this place working is if it’s run by the most fearsome pirates. In fact, that would have been the best way for the Black Pearl’s cursed crew to get plunder and get their shit back. They would have been the kings of Tortuga, running everything they wanted (Barbossa could have had his pirate fleet) since they couldn’t die. And in running business, all the coins would have made their way back somehow, or they could have sent dudes after them. Fucking pirate king.

That would be funny, if they went “proper.” This is why they should let us make TV shows of things.

Colin:

Seriously. We’d make TV REALLY good. People have been trying to convince me lately that TV is the thing to watch, and that movies are shit. And it’s true that TV has come up lately, while movies have sort of dropped off a bit. But…no.

The good-to-shit ratio is too low with TV. I’m sure Breaking Bad is the best show ever made like everyone says, but for every Breaking Bad there are like seven “Housewife” shows. Plus, who the fuck has the time to sit there and wait for shit to come out each week? I forget a lot of the time. And it’s not like they have one or two shows. They have like, ten. I don’t have that kind of time. I do shit. I work, I write shit. To me, TV is the epitome of either never getting anything done and just vegging out or just putting it on as junk food and vegging out. I see nothing positive that comes of TV. That’s why 90+% of my TV watching is done in bulk. Like movies. Because I watch it, I finish it, and I move the fuck on. You know how many shows I am currently watching on a week to week basis? Four. You know how many are currently airing regularly? Two. You know how many aren’t half-hour comedy series? One. And even that I’m not really into this season. I think that “TV is better than film” argument is total bullshit.

The only argument that can be made is — “There’s more auteur freedom on TV than in film.” I’ll give you that. You have more leeway to do something different and creative and make something great because these networks trust the people and the material. But again, there’s a lot of shit out there. You’re only dealing with like, what, five networks? HBO, Showtime, AMC, maybe F/X. And probably Netflix, now. There’s not much out there. It really comes down to the person making the show. And which are the ones people love? Breaking Bad. Mad Men. Sons of Anarchy. You know the common thread? A regular network wouldn’t make that fucking show. It’s the same as the studios. A lot of the best movies each year are either made by well-established directors we trust to pick good material or are independently financed and are just distributed by major studios. And yet, for every one of those, there are like five 2 Broke Girls and Two and a Half Men.

So lets hold off on that “TV is better than film” argument. Just because like three shows are better than studio movies does not an argument make.

Remember that line in The Social Network there are more people with genius IQs living in China than people of any kind living in the US? There’s a BIGGER FUCKING SAMPLE SIZE, you idiot! Of course there are. There are like one and a half BILLION people in China. Which is like five times the amount of people we have in the US. That also means there are the same number of functionally retarded and illiterate people there too. Just like the US and wars, I, too, have a perfect record at things I keep track of the statistics for and rhetoric of.

So that TV is better argument — pure bullshit. Pure bullshit. Anyone who says that is a complete idiot.

Not to mention — the format is so horrible. Every time people tell me a series is amazing and I try to watch it — I get like four episodes in and am like, “Half that episode was entirely bullshit.” I know some shows try to eliminate that, but there’s only so much plot you can advance in an hour or 40 minutes, and so many shows just take a week off and give you some amusing plotline. Like, “Oh… here’s the week Tony Soprano is going to strong-arm some principal into letting his kid into this private school even though his grades don’t merit it.” And it’s funny because they’re all trying to do this and it’s comically foiled. And here’s the week where this supporting character is going to get into a fight with his elderly neighbor about garbage cans, and that’s twenty minutes of the episode and is intercut with more important shit the main character is doing. I can’t take TV seriously when that happens. I want them to trim all the bullshit out. To me, that’s not character development, and that’s not making things better. It’s just spending more time with the characters.

The other thing is — as good as certain shows were — I’ve never watched a single episode of The West Wing (yet. Though people tell me I’ll like it. Since I seem to really enjoy the “lesser” Sorkin stuff), but, had I watched the entire series — what would I take from it? There’s probably — I’m gonna guess… 150 episodes. You’re telling me people who have seen that entire series remember all those episodes? You’re not gonna magically be able to recall every episode of the seasons in order, and recount what happened in all of them. You’re not even gonna be able to recount a general plot. Maybe for a bunch of them, you can. But after a certain point, it’s all just a blur, and you remember lines, and moments, and performances, and parts you really liked, but a lot of that stuff is all a blur. And yet — movies — it’s pretty easy to recall shit. I saw The Avengers once, and I barely even enjoyed it, but I can still recount the plot of that movie from start to finish with surprising accuracy. So what exactly are you taking away from all those episodes aside from the experience?

Plus — again — if you’re saying TV is better — how much of it do you watch? What do you watch? Where are your priorities? Since a lot of people who tell me this — they work in fucking movies. Which is like being a pastor by day and watching crazy S&M porn at night. Because you say it’s better, but how many movies do you watch? Because I watch a fuck ton of movies. When I’m actually doing that — I will clock about 100 movies a month. And I catch a lot of TV as I go about and such. I will bet you that I will give you a greater amount of amazing movies that came out in the past three years than you can find me TV shows that are better than them. And, not to mention, I can (and will) go back and watch these TV shows that are so-called “better” than movies. I can go back in five years and watch these shows. Why the fuck do I need to watch them now? So I can sit around and talk and have inane conversations with dickheads about them? “Oh my god, it was SO good!” You’re not having actual discussions about them. You’re just taking part in the zeitgeist, and are basically saying, “I watch this, do you watch this?” “Yes, I watch this too. Let us revel in the fact that we both watch this along with everyone else.” Fuck that.

Not to mention — in five years, a lot of these shows that people watch will still be on the air. Generally. They take a year to two years to put out a new season. You only get about ten weeks a year with them. Maybe thirteen if you’re lucky. Anything more than that means it’s a repetitive show like House, and you’re only watching it because you enjoy the character and enjoy the repetition. Which goes back to — what are you doing when you’re not watching TV? Because have you seen movies? There’s really good shit out there. Anyone making the argument that TV is better is a vacuous moron. I watch 200 movies a year, and you’re watching the same four good shows for five years. I’ll watch about 30 amazing movies every year, and you’ll watch the same four amazing shows over six years.

But go ahead. Tell me TV is better.

That was my rant for this week.

I will never not engage in this discussion, because I truly think people who side with TV in this argument are idiots. You’re gonna tell me Game of Thrones is some god-like show, meanwhile you have no idea about some of the amazing shit we made back in the 30s? You motherfuckers ain’t seen some of the shit that came out last year? Kiss my dick.

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“And what makes you think you’re worthy to crew the Black Pearl?”

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“Truth be told, I’ve never sailed a day in me life. I figure I should get out and see the world while I’m still young.”

Colin:

None of this makes sense. I love that he throws in the “while I’m young.”

Doesn’t he look like Sam Waterston?

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“You’ll do.”

Colin:

They’re taking all the assholes? Oh, right. I’d already forgotten about how they need 100 scumbags.

That’s a good name for something. 100 Scumbags.

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“My wife ran off with our dog. And I’m drunk for a month. I don’t give an assrat if I live or die.”

Colin:

The dog is what makes it.

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“Perfect.”

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“How are we going?”

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“Including those four, that gives us – four.”

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“And what’s your story?”

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“My story – it’s exactly the same as your story, just one chapter behind.”

Colin:

That’s Jack Davenport’s voice. Norrington’s on Tortuga?

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“I chased a man across the seven seas. The pursuit cost me my crew, my commission, and my life.”

Just once I want someone to say they sailed six out of the seven seas.

Also, why the fuck would you chase him so far? It’s the fucking Caribbean. Stay there and wait for him to come back.

That’s literally abandoning your job to go out and chase somebody. It’s like that moment where the cop resigns so he can go out chasing the serial killer without any rules, because this time… it’s personal. Only Norrington didn’t fucking resign. He just went out and chased him. What did he think was gonna happen?

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BOOZE.

Colin:

I love old bottles. They’re so cloudy and full of character.

This is one of my favorite lines on the entire blog.

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“Commodore?”

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“No not anymore, weren’t you listening?!”

Colin:

Oh, I like this. He’s back, and he’s…unkempt.

He’s no longer either a commodore or clean.

Or, actually, instead of either/or, I should have went with Neither… Norrington.

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“I nearly had you all off Tripoli. I would have, if not for the hurricane.”

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“Lord, you didn’t try to sail through it?”

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“So do I make your crew, or not?”

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“You haven’t said where you’re going. Somewhere nice?”

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FLIPPING TABLES!

Well it looks like the tables… are turned.

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“So am I worthy to sail under Captain Jack Sparrow?”

I don’t know, but I am pretty entertained.

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Colin:

HAHAHA yes i approve of this disguise

People don’t use this disguise enough.

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“Or should I just kill you now?”

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“You’re hired!”

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“Sorry.”

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“Old habits, and all that.”

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Colin:

Ah, a barfight erupts for the wrong reason and everyone knows which side they’re on. Or there are no sides. Either way, the band has their fight ditty lined up.

Pretty sure booze being spilled is always the right reason for a barfight.

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Best part about this shot? There’s a rape happening in the corner of the frame.

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And we pan right past it!

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“Time to go.”

Colin:

Time to go.

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These people are the best. The ones who are the reason shit starts and then quietly leave as everyone else starts fighting, and no one remembers them as the cause.

(I wonder why I like that person so much…)

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Love this angle.

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…and that just made it better.

Colin:

Something about this is very 80s to me. I think it’s because my dad’s house right after my parents divorced in like ’92 had a spot like this. A downstairs den with stairs going up to my lofted bedroom that looked down over the den. I loved that house. It was extremely 80s. I was able to recognize that even at the time, and my dad moved out before I turned six.

Plus the barfight is like, the staple of the 80s movie.

So I’m sure that helps.

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When did you learn how to sword fight?

Colin:

Elizabeth shows up…and she knows how to sword fight? The FUCK?

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Correct.

Colin:

I like Norrington wasted. This pleases me.

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Colin:

#HatPeopleProblems

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Double correct.

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“Thanks, mate.”

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“Carry on.”

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“Come on, then!”

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Hit that bitch wit a bottle.

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“I just wanted the pleasure of doing that myself!”

Colin:

Waster of booze.

And you sound nothing like a man.

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These people have the best parties.

Colin:

THESE are the the good ole days!

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I’m telling you — drinking goes much better when you have those cups.

I’m going to have all those kinds of cups at my house.

And you never have to worry about spilling shit or breaking a glass when you’re wasted. There’s something too delicate about glass and something too weak about Solo cups.

These really are the way to go.

Beer and Meet parties.

If I ever run for office, that’ll be the name of my party.

I’ll be like Teddy Roosevelt, only better.

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They just threw him right out the… commo-door.

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Does no one not notice the shifty looking motherfucker hanging out there?

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“James Norrington – what has the world done to you?”

Colin:

She feels she gets to be familiar with him like that because she was engaged to him at one point?

This franchise likes telling us people’s first names after the fact.

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Colin:

I…okay? How huge is this ship that it can have a cavernous hall just for an organ?

Try using that one on a fat chick.

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Colin:

And WHY is he playing it with his chin tentacles? The FUCK?

Your beard doesn’t play piano?

I have my chin tentacles run all my errands.

Colin:

I don’t have tentacles cause I’m not gross.

Give it five more years in Japan. You’ll see.

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Colin:

This whole ship is gross.

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What would it look like if he started stroking his beard?

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What if he started playing ragtime ditties?

♫ “Oh, you beautiful doll / You great big beautiful doll!” ♫

♫ “Hello, my baby / Hello, my honey / Hello, my ragtime gal” 

Come on, Davy Jones. Give us a little “Toot Toot Tootsie.”

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“Secure the mast anchor, Mr. Turner!”

Colin:

What are they even doing? Why is this necessary?

And they say “Mr. Turner,” so this has to be the daddy reveal.

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Why is he working? Isn’t he here as collateral?

Though I guess the assumption is that Jones is gonna keep him.

But what if Depp comes back with 100 scumbags? Does Will get to go free?

Then Jones will have… 99 scumbags, but a whelp ain’t one.

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Colin:

Yup. Way to fuck up the ship.

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Five lashes.

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“NNOOOOOO!!!”

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“I’ll take it all.”

Colin:

It’s weird how much Stellan Skarsgard in this getup looks like Wormtongue.

Really? I see Stellan Skarsgard with a starfish on his face.

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“Will you now? And what would prompt such an act of charity?”

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“He’s my son.”

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Nice laugh.

“What fortuitous circumstance be this.”

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“No.”

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If he doesn’t do it, the bosun will. And he knows how that’ll end.

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Well that’s a waste of a good shirt.

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His name is Toby.

Colin:

I guess the only way it could be worse is if his name were Tobey Maguire.

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Colin:

Bill Nighy looks like he’s about to ink.

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Colin:

The worst part is that he’s probably getting a bunch of salt water in those wounds now.

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Bootstrap tries to say he did it out of compassion. The bosun would have been much more sadistic.

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“One hundred years before the mast. Losing who you were, bit by bit.”

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Til you end up like that.

Colin:

This guy needs to not be like that.

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“Once you’ve signed an oath to the Dutchman, there’s no leaving it. Not until your debt is paid.”

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“I’ve sworn no oath.”

That is true. And yet he’s still working for them and has no desire to leave.

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He’s looking for the key.

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“The Dead Man’s Chest.”

Colin:

Oh, I know that voice! That’s the dude who played the Senate Magistrate in the HBO/BBC series Rome. John Boswall. Died in 2011 at 91. That’s a distinctive voice.

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He tells him to open the chest and stab the heart. The Dutchman needs a living heart. And if there’s no heart, there’s no captain, and if there’s no captain, there’s no one have the… key.

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Is he high?

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The captain has the key. But the chest?

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Thanks, buddy.

Colin:

The thing I don’t get is — why does this guy help them AT ALL? What does he stand to gain? Or why does he want Davy Jones to be killed?

I think he just has dementia.

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“Captain Sparrow?”

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“Come to join me crew, lad? Welcome aboard.”

Colin:

He can’t tell by her voice who she is?

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1162

“I’m here to find the man I love.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1163

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1164

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1165

“I’m deeply flattered, son, but my first and only love is the sea.”

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Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1167

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1168

Reaction shots are the key to comedy.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1169

“Meaning William Turner, Captain Sparrow.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1170

“Elizabeth.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1171

“Hide the rum.”

Colin:

We’re still repeating jokes?

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1172

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1173

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1174

“You know, those clothes do not flatter you at all. It should be a dress or nothing. I happen to have no dress in my cabin.”

Colin:

Not sure I even caught this. This is fun. More nudity.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1175

“Jack – I know Will came to find you, where is he?”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1176

“Darling, I am truly unhappy to have to tell you this, but, through and unfortunate and entirely unforeseeable series of circumstances, that have nothing whatsoever to do with me, poor Will has been press-ganged into Davy Jones’s crew.”

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“Oh please. The captain of the Flying Dutchman?”

Colin:

Norrington’s conversing pretty well for someone who’s been projectile vomiting.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1181

“You look bloody awful, what are you doing here?”

“You hired me. I can’t help it if your standards are lax.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1182

“You smell funny.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1183

“Jack.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1184

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1185

“All I want is to find Will.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1186

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1187

“Are you certain? Is that what you really want most?”

Colin:

Oh, I know what this is. “Is that what you really want most?” He was saying earlier that he knows what he wants as he looked at the compass. The compass points you to whatever you want, is that it? So he’s gonna make HER use it and that’ll tell him where the Dutchman is? I suppose he can either use that information to go towards it or go in the opposite direction.

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Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1189

“Because I would think you’d want to find a way to see Will most.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1190

“And you’d have a way of doing that?”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1191

“Well… there is a chest…”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1192

“Oh dear…”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1193

Great reaction.

I love Jack Davenport’s inclusion into this scene.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1194

“That contains the still-beating heart of Davy Jones.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1195

That’s awesome.

Colin:

You’d think she’d be like, “Hey, wait…those are the two guys that kidnapped me and called me ‘Poppet!” Did everyone forget that they murdered her butler in the last film?

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1196

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“And whoever possesses that chest has the leverage to command Jones to do whatever he or she wants.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1198

“Including saving brave William from his grim fate.”

Colin:

So he’s gonna set it up so that she wants what he wants and that’ll lead them to the chest, is that it?

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“You don’t actually believe him, do you?”

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“How do we find it?”

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“My compass is unique.”

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“Unique here having the meaning of broke?”

Colin:

This is the right kind of douchebag.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1207

“True enough – this compass does not point north.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1208

“It points to the thing you want most in this world.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1209

“Oh Jack…”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1210

“Are you telling the truth?”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1211

“Every word, love.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1212

“And what you want most in this world is to find the chest of Davy Jones, is it not?”

“To save Will.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1213

“By finding the chest of Davy Jones.”

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Colin:

AHAHAHA he opens that shit and runs. No interference.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1218

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“Mr. Gibbs – we have our heading.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1222

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“Welcome to the crew, former Commodore.”

Colin:

I would slap the shit out of these two assholes if I were Norrington.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1224

Colin:

Yeah! Cartography! More random pictures on maps.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1225

“There’s something to knowing the exact shape of the world and one’s place in it, don’t you agree?”

Colin:

There’s certainly something to knowing the way to begin a business conversation with a completely unrelated question.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1226

Holy shit. Jonathan Pryce has the Monster.

Colin:

Pryce is locked up? I wonder if the king knows about this bullshit.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1227

Beckett tells him that Elizabeth has just left Tortuga with Sparrow and Norrington.

Colin:

Is the sword going to be some sort of symbolic item? Like, the primary antagonist douchebag always ends up with it?

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1228

“Our ships are in pursuit. Justice will be dispensed by cannon aid and cutlass and all manner of remorseless pieces of metal. I’d personally find it distasteful to contemplate the horror facing all those on board.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1229

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He wants his authority as governor, his influence in London, and his loyalty to the East India Trading Company.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1231

“Every man has a price he will willingly accept, even for what he hopes never to sell.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1232

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He agrees.

Colin:

It’s hard to say which position it’s better to be in in real life. This makes it seem like it’s better to be a businessman who buys politicians than to be a politician yourself. But I’ve always subscribed to Brando’s idea in The Godfather, where he talks about Michael being a senator or something. That’s just better. Cause then you don’t have to do shit. You just reap the benefits and vote ‘yea’ or ‘nay’ on shit. And even if you don’t deliver on promises, they just stop funding you, and you lose the election. Which is called retirement.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1234

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Dice game!

Colin:

What if they just stopped in the middle of this movie and did gambling for like 45 minutes? Like Casino Royale. “You changed your shirt, Mr. Turner. I hope our little game isn’t causing you to perspire.”

I guess in that scenario, Davy Jones would be wearing a… Chiffre robe.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1236

They’re wagering years.

(Which — doesn’t that keep you alive longer?)

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1237

“Wanna know how it’s played?”

Ah… like father like son. He’s gonna spout exposition too.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1238

“I understand. It’s a game of deception.”

A HA HA HE’S STILL GIVING THE EXPOSITION

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1239

“So any crew member can be challenged?”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1240

“I challenge Davy Jones.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1241

Colin:

I like this. All the sea creatures tense up and shit. That’s great.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1242

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1243

“I accept.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1244

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1245

Do they eat off of those tables?

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1246

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“The stakes?”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1249

“My soul. An eternity of servitude.”

Colin:

Oh, eternity? How does THAT work? After less than 100 years you’re gonna be stuck to the wall like that other dude. So…why do we need eternity? And for that matter, what’s the purpose of this ship? What are they DOING all this time? Just sailing around?

Plus.. he’s neither dead nor dying. So… does the deal wait until he dies? There’s a lot of fine print in this agreement. Might want to draw up some papers to figure out the details. I know a guy. Works at Abalone, Mollusk, Lamprey and Jonasberg.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1250

“No.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1251

“Against?”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1252

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Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1254

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“How do you know of the key?”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1256

“That’s not part of the game, is it?”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1257

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1258

That’s cool. “How do you know about some shit?” “Well that’s not part of the deal, is it?” And then you sit down without breaking eye contact.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1259

“You can still walk away.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1260

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His tentacle is holding a key.

That’s fucking weird.

Though, that’s pretty great if you’re shitfaced. Won’t have to worry about getting in your apartment.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1263

I want to keep things in my tentacle beard.

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What is wrong with your HAND?!

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1268

“What’s this?”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1269

“I’m in. Matching his wager.”

And here comes dumbass Bootstrap Bill.

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“Don’t do this.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1271

“The die is cast.”

So, basically they have a 66% chance of getting the key out of this.

How do you fuck that up?

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1272

“I bid three twos.”

Colin:

Okay, I don’t think I get the rules of this game, but it’s dice. So I’m just gonna hope seven comes up. “Seb’en! Seb’en! What you know ‘bout seven?” “Boy, you are the goddamn devil.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1273

“Four fours.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1274

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“Four fives.”

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“Six threes.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1278

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“Seven fives.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1281

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Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1284

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“Eight fives.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1286

“Welcome to the crew.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1287

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1288

“Twelve fives. Call me a liar. Or up the bet.”

Colin:

He ups to eight. He’s got him, no? Ah, pappy fucked it up. Really stellar, Stellan.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1289

“And be called a liar myself for my trouble?”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1290

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1291

“Bootstrap Bill, you’re a liar and you will spend an eternity on this ship.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1292

“Master Turner, feel free to go ashore.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1293

“The bettor next time will make port.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1294

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“Why did you do that?”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1297

“I couldn’t let you lose.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1298

“It was never about winning or losing.”

He just wanted to know where the key was.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1299

That’s how I’d be on watch too.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1300

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1301

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“Captain says I’m to relieve you.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1303

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Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1305

Colin:

Davy Jones’ disgusting, bulbous whatever on the back of his head reminds me of the Andross brain at the end of StarFox 64.

I think it’s a tumor.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1306

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1307

Do much writing, does he?

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1308

Colin:

I could go for some octopus. And in Japan, you’re never more than five minutes from octopus.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1309

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Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1318

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1319

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1320

Colin:

This whole scene had to be blurred in Japan. Look at this.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1321

Colin:

I don’t see how any of this works. Not to mention that at the last second there, the tentacle lets go of the key and then grabs an entirely different object. Which…there’s no reason for that unless the tentacle has eyes and a mind of its own.

I’ve stopped trying. I legit have nothing to say about this.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1322

This face is amusing, though.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1323

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1324

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1325

Colin:

So now he goes away in this little boat? Wouldn’t the Kraken be able to find this little boat and catch him?

That is a bit of a… kraken the armor.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1326

“Take this, too. When you get to land, stay there.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1327

“It was always in my blood to die at sea. It was not a fate I ever wanted for you.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1328

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1329

“It’s not a fate you had to choose for yourself either.”

How about take it and be grateful you little shit?

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1330

“I could say I did what I had to do when I left you to go pirating, but it would taste a lie to say it wasn’t what I wanted. You owe me nothing, Will.”

Colin:

That’s nice. Tell your son you wanted to desert him to be with a bunch of grungy dudes on a ship.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1331

“They’ll know you helped me.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1332

“What more can they do to me?”

I like that line.

But I’m sure they can think of something.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1333

“I take this with a promise. I’ll find a way to sever Jones’ hold on you. And not rest until this blade pierces his heart.”

He is too rash. Why the fuck would you take that extra step? Also, this dude just told you he didn’t give a shit about you and would rather have been pirating? Why go this far for him? How about, “I’ll find a way to not make things suck for you”?

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1334

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1335

“I will not abandon you.”

Like he abandoned you?

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1336

Colin:

Oh boo hoo. Heartfelt moment. Whatever.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1337

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1338

That’s how you clean a floor.

It’s funny that the ship gets clean more than they do.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1339

They tell Jack about Beckett.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1340

“He wants the chest.”

Colin:

So Beckett is also into getting Davy Jones’ chest? Why would he believe in it? How does he know about the compass? What does this chest do, other than house Davy Jones’ heart?

It has his porn stash.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1341

“Yes, he did say something about a chest.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1342

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1343

“If the company controls the chest, they controls the sea.”

Colin:

How does giving you the chest give you control of the seas?

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1344

“Might I inquire as to how you came by these?”

“Persuasion.”

“Friendly?”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1345

“Decidedly not.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1346

“Will strikes a deal for these and upholds it with honor, yet you are the one standing here with the prize.”

The subtext here is nice.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1347

“Full pardon. Commission as a privateer on behalf of England and the East India Trading Company.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1348

“As if I could be bought for such a low price.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1349

“Jack, the letters — give them back.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1350

“No. Persuade me.”

Please have her give him a handy like Amy Adams and Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1351

“You do know Will taught me how to handle a sword.”

Colin:

That’s all it is? “Will taught me how to use a sword.” Fuck you.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1352

“As I said… persuade me.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1353

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1354

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1355

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1356

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1357

The little chortle he makes here is great.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1358

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1359

“It’s a curious thing. There was a time when I would have given anything to have you look like that while thinking about me.”

I like how he’s still got all that mud on him.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1360

“I don’t know what you mean.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1361

“I think you do.”

“Oh, don’t be absurd, I trust him, that’s all.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1362

“So you never wondered how your latest fiancé ended up on the Flying Dutchman in the first place?”

Not to bring up old wounds, but… last franchise… maybe there was a better way to handle that third movie.

Colin:

It’s always cool when a tight ass goes through some shit and comes down to earth. “Oh, cut the shit, honey.”

And now she knows Jack’s a two-timing bastard. As if that was up for debate.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1363

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Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1365

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1366

She want the D.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1367

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1368

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1369

Colin:

This ship just doesn’t look as cool as the others.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1370

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1371

A HA HA. These fuckers are back.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1372

He tells them to go as fast as possible.

Colin:

And by the rules of Hollywood, Will gets picked up without a peep from the Kraken and it happens to be the ship Elizabeth stowed away on.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1373

“That dress – where did you get it?”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1374

“It was found aboard the ship. The crew thought it was a spirit bringing some omen of ill fate.”

But instead, it brought them to Tortuga, and they made a nice bit of money.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1375

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1376

A ship’s been spotted. Not flying any sails.

Colin:

He fucked them all, didn’t he?

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1377

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Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1379

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1380

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1381

“You will watch this.”

Colin:

Yup. They’re all boned. It’s either gonna be a naval battle, or Davy Jones is gonna call the Kraken.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1382

That’s a cool weapon to have.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1383

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1384

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1385

“The Kraken!”

Colin:

Let’s get Kraken.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1386

Colin:

Uh oh. Looks like this could go a bit Captains Courageous.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1387

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1388

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1389

“I’ve doomed us all.”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1390

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1391

“It’s the Flying Dutchman!”

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1392

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Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1395

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Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1397

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1398

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1399

Japan.

Colin:

Japan.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1400 Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1401

I enjoy Orlando Bloom’s looks of confusion.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1402

Colin:

Of course Will is up top though. Randomly.

Nice angle, though.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1403

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Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1407

Colin:

The tentacles can’t see you. I don’t get this at all.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1408

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1409

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1410

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1411

Destruction.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1412

Where does one get a Kraken?

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1413

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Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1415

Well that sail’s no good.

Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man's Chest - 1416</